Tag: Rob Mayes

John Dies At The End?

Shit. This is either some existentialist or Buddhist metaphor, or this movie is putting spoilers in the title!

Or maybe it is trolling me. What if John survives at the end, and I am all like “Oh shit, I didn’t see that coming!” and talk wildly about the twist ending. Kind of like when Kenny stopped dying every episode in South Park. Even stranger, I found out this movie was adapted from a book written by a senior editor at Cracked.com.

Ohhhh mannnn. I love cracked! Hell, I used to base my picture subtitles off of their website with hilarious jokes. Unfortunately now, I fill it mostly with all caps and nonsensical expletives, and sometimes just boringly describe the picture (like dry humor) that doesn’t translate well over the internet, and never really make people laugh at all.

HOLY FUCK THIS MAY BE THE CREEPIEST KITTEN DAMN THING I’VE SEEN.

Strange things are afoot in the world. Magic, demons, alternative dimensions, drugs, you name it. But really, maybe things are only strange for a certain select group of people, and the rest get to live their lives ignoring it.

David Wong (Chase Williamson) and his friend John (Rob Mayes) seem to have some sort of handle on the situation. After all, they have defeated demons, and gotten their friends out of trouble, and have seen some terribly messed up shit. But how did it all go down?

Arnie Blondestone (Paul Giamatti) is a reporter interested in this story David has to tell, so the way we see the events in the movie are based off of the descriptions of David, and interceded with conversations between him and the reporter.

Maybe it all began with some drugs? Not normal drugs. Drugs that messed with their perception of time and reality. Knowing what would come in the future, where things came from before, what happened to others, other hard to explain parallel timeline stuff. They even have some ties with Dr. Albert Marconi (Clancy Brown), a guy famous for the paranormal.

I don’t know why I am trying to explain the plot. It is very close to impossible. It also features Glynn Turman and Fabianne Therese.

Oh hey look, its Paul Giamatti smiling. He must be up to something sexy.

I feel like an asshole. I really do. What we have here, with John Dies At The End is one of the most bizarre, crazy, fucked up movies I have ever seen. It is a thrill ride, and there is really no way to predict anything that might happen during it. It will potentially confuse you, and not bother to explain things, just to make sure you are there for the experience and not hard hitting truths.

Yet, despite that, I just couldn’t get in to it.

Maybe because I was rushed when I was watching it, but to me, despite the great things you can say about it, I just didn’t love it in any measurable way.

And it really sucks to feel this way, because I really wanted to like the movie, on the name alone. I didn’t over hype it, I was just generally curious. The film is definitely not for everyone, and might be a bit better if you are also experiencing side effects, but for me, I just couldn’t jump on the fun wagon.

I can’t say I really heard much about The American Mall movie before. But from the looks of the cover, it was probably geared towards families, or something. Maybe some music involved.

I did not know it was an “MTV” movie, which has actually made a lot of decent films like Joe’s Apartment and Varsity Blues. But I think those films were more focused on appealing to large audiences, and also on the actual plot. They also weren’t made for TV movies, which although isn’t necessarily a death sentence for a movie, it does make its ability to succeed pretty damn hard.

But hey, its producers also did the High School Musical Trilogy, and 2/3 of them were tv movies!

Singing about commerce. They have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.

All of the events in this movie take place in the mall. Deal with it!

If there is one main character, it is Ally (Nina Dobrev), poor poor Ally. She sometimes wears shirts that say “Be The Change” on them, referring to an incorrect Gandhi quote, so you know she isn’t the smartest tool in the shed. But you know, big heart, big dreams. She wants to be a star some day, and even writes her own music. That is good that she likes music, since she works in the music store in the mall, run by her mom, Erin (Yassmin Alers), who released an album of her own! Like, 20 years ago, and it didn’t do good. But still, technically a former professional singer/songwriter.

Joey (Rob Mayes) also works at the mall, but as a janitor. He actually has a band, well, a make believe band. Complete with make believe fans. Along with three other young white male janitors, they pretend to be in a band and sing and dance, I guess during their breaks (I HOPE). Just you know, poor, no instruments and stuff.

Max (Al Sapienza) is super rich, owns lots of malls, but this one was his first. He has left his daughter in charge of it (I guess?), Madison (Autumn Reeser) and she might be a bit mean. She wants to open up her own store for the best designed clothes ever. OF ALL TIME. EXPENSIVE. But her dad she needs a way to set it apart. Apparently she gets the idea to do a fashion show to set it apart. Because clothing stores just don’t do that. But also a live performance.

Hey look, Joey and Ally are hitting it off. He even helped her finish the song she was working on and it is awesome. Madison hears Joey performing, wants him to do it (with her though) for the concert. It isn’t stealing, it is partially his. She will get some songwriting credit. And Madison will give Joey everything he wants, style, clothes, instruments for his band, and fame.

But can he pull the trigger and steal the song Ally wrote, who also wants to be a star, when he also has the hots for her? WHAT ABOUT THE FASHION SHOW? MAYBE SOME WOMEN IN DRESSES?

What’s that? You want a picture of a lot of women in identical black dresses in a mall? That is oddly specific, but here you go!

Ugh. So for whatever reason, I was actually excited to watch this movie. I mean, I like musicals, I like spending money. Fuck yes. But to me this movie was completely uninteresting. The songs were pretty much blah, and weren’t too good sound wise.

I think I enjoyed one and a half songs. Yes, that is it. But not even to large degrees. People felt super cliched, Madison character was just a mean stereotype (who only kind of turned it around, after shit was in her face. Not literal). Which is weird, because Autumn Reeser is the only “famous” person who was in this movie, just probably not at the time.

I think this movie cost me $1 to buy, and that may have been too much.