Tag: Luke Evans

With The Raven we have a movie based on Poe’s works! Hooray! But not just his stories. This is actually a tale set in the “Real world” where someone is off murdering all these people based on the works of Poe. Even better.

I’ve seen weirder concepts for a killer to copycat. I am hoping one day there is a movie about a serial killer basing his kills off of classic Simpsons episodes. But then something else happened. Turns out this is a fictional account of the last few days of Edgar Allen Poe’s life. No one knows about what happened to him before his death, kind of just found him all drunk and dead. So why not have the actual Poe help solve a case about murders based on his book? Ehh, that’s not weird at all.

I hate how much I still think he looks like Matt Macfadyen. Mostly because its all in my head?

Alrighty then. Poe (John Cusack) likes to drink. No one cares about his work, and he is poor. Life is hard, and having a hard life leads to great stories apparently. Some people recognize his work, but I guess at this time, most people don’t care. We all know an artist becomes much more famous once they are dead!

But as you know, some murders go down. Apparently the crime scene looks like The Murders in the Rue Morgue, a story of Poes! Detective Fields (Luke Evans) realizes this and naturally questions Poe. He is all, what in the fucks, and appalled. So he gets brought in to help solve the case! This is good, because he is into the Emily (Alice Eve), but her father (Brendan Gleeson), captain of the force isn’t okay with that. Well, maybe helping out can get him on the good side!

But yeah, he doesn’t really help too much. Stuff keeps happening, based on the Pit and the Pendulum, The Tell-Tale Heart, and more stories I have never heard of. But will the pursuit of the truth in this case be the death of Poe?

Well, yes. That isn’t a spoiler. We know he is dead by the end mysteriously. Hopefully he at least gets an answer though.

I watched this movie and still have no real idea what is up with this scene.

Blah. I either had a weird taste in my mouth the whole time I watched this movie, or I just found the movie itself unappealing. I guess I was a bit turned off knowing that Poe was actually in the movie, rather than just a serial killer imitating Poe’s works later. Which yes, is my fault. But still. Definitely was put off, making it feel like they are cheapening the real tragedy that was Poe’s final days.

It might not help that I didn’t get most of the literary references. I think I have read three whole Poe stories in my life. I probably know more, from TV show allusions or whatever, I just couldn’t name them off the top of my head. But overall I thought the movie was a bit boring, and possibly a rushed piece of work that was trying to cash in…something. I don’t know. Not like there has been any other Poe show/movies that have come out recently. Kind of on its own.

Oh well, I got nothing.

Hooray! Review 500!

FIVE HUNDRED. That is actually significant. Kind of like the first review, or 100th. 500 is such a nice number, so I have to do my most speicalist review ever. I have to review the movie, that is a remake, of my websites name sake.

Clash Of The Titans came out in 2010, and was supposed to be a big event, after all, the original Clash of the Titans was still talked about at that point, and was a big event back then.

But even back then, everyone knew the original movie was kind of shitty. Bad special effects, plot, was just super silly. So of course the best idea ever would be to remake it with the SAME plot, but instead of bad special effects, we will very expensive bad CGI effects. WHAT A GREAT IDEA! Honestly, I thought the effects in the movie were so bad, I couldn’t tell the pictures between the two movies apart, so I might end up using some of the old one “accidentally”.

Hopefully by now you realized that my logo of “Watching shitty movies so you don’t have to” and relating it to Gorgons, is that if you watch bad movies, you might turn to stone. And I am saying Clash of the Titans is a bad movie.

Just ask Liam Neeson as Zeus. That is him right?

Blah blah blah, Hades (Ralph Fiennes) is a bad guy in this movie, because for some reason the ruler of the Underworld means bad person. Of course he was also “tricked” into ruling the Underworld by Zeus and Poseidon, so really any anger he has in those context seems justified.

Either he accepted the Underworld and is a decent god like the rest, or he was tricked in to there by his dick brothers, and thus wants to fuck things up from time to time. I don’t see how either makes him a bad dude. But hey, maybe there is a secret reason he is pissed off.

“Jizz! Jizz everywhere! Ahhh!!!”

Anyways, Baby Perseus (Sam Worthington) is found floating in a river, very Moses-esque, and raised by a different family. Eventually said family village gets fucked up, thanks to people not believing in the gods. Hmm, also Moses-esque. So everyone dies besides him, and he goes to another kingdom. They hate the gods there and are like, whatever. Even saying their daughter Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) is the hottest bitch in town.

More god interruptions, and apparently the Kraken will be summoned if Andromeda isn’t sacrificed by the next solar eclipse.

Also Perseus is the son of Zeus.

I’m sure he was stoked to hear the news.

So of course he gets imprisoned, where he meets Io (Gemma Arterton) who is immortal after not sexing up Poseidon (what?) and is forced to watch over his life and protect him. Sweet deal. She tells him his mom was a Queen who died, after she was impregnanted by Zeus. The King Acrisius (Jason Flemyng) tried to war against the gods, and that is how they punished him, so he sent them to see. Also he turned into a legit monster.

“What a monstrosity! Why won’t he shave!?”

Eventually he is freed to go find a way to stop a Kraken with a small army. While Hades makes Calibos (that monster “dad”) stronger, to kill Perseus. But first he must face other trials! Apollo (Luke Evans) tries to give Perseus a cool sword and Pegasus to help fight, but he refuses. Then Calibos comes and fucks some shit up, so they run, and of course they run straight into a giant scorpion.

I mean, of course.

Some Djinn save them, and cure their poison. They also let them know the only way to stop the Kraken is with Medusa’s head, a Gorgon. Bitch turns anything of flesh into stone if they look at her. Including the Kraken! So they decide to go to the Underworld, because where the hell else would she be? Zeus tries to stop them and make Perseus a god, thinking he wont want to kill them all if he has the power too. He refuses. Of course.

At least he gets a coin as a consolation prize!

So they go to the Underworld! Find the lair! Io can’t go in because she is a woman! (What?). Most of the crew dies, but thankfully Perseus survives and cuts off her head in a very unapologetic fashion. Kind of rude if you ask me. Could have just asked her to help stop the Kraken.

This looks strangely familiar.

But after that, the monster dude comes back! He totally kills Io. Fuck. But he is able to slay him, with the help of that sword, and turn him back to his normal human form. Still dies though. Perseus realizes his fate and that he needs to stop being so selfish, accept help, and fuck shit up. So he hops on Perseus (who was also just hanging around) and heads to save the day! If only someone had told him he’d need these things earlier.

“Fuck you Perseus! Who turns down a gift?”

So Kraken is about to be summoned, and the gods are weaker because people still aren’t respectin’ them. BUT WAIT. Turns out Hades also gets stronger from fear, and the Kraken is a scary ass beast. Guess who is the strongest god now? Hades can totally take over Mt. Olympus. Way to fuck up Zeus. What do you have to say for yourself?

“Oh my bad. I’m actually trying to audition for Twilight. Got distracted.”

So he rushes to the Kraken, who is taking out everything, and trying to eat Andromeda. After all, the sacrifice still needs to happen, for some reason. Getting the head to Kraken proves to be difficult. I also assume his hunger is pretty insatiable, given his large mouth, and large dorment period.

Bitches love Krakens.

But yes. Perseus eventually shows the Kraken his head. Stone. Saved the day. Somehow everything is back to normal. Perseus still says no to godhood, and no to king hood (Turning down Andromeda). He instead gets Io revived, and wants to just run away and do whatever he wants.

Yayyy.

So what is the problem with the movie besides its horrible special effects, its lame butchering of Greek Mythology, and its poor acting?

Which version of the Kraken is from the 80s? I have no fucking idea.

It is also super BORING. Gah. I hate boring movies. Well it depends. A drama that can be considered boring or slow usually has at least an emotional connection if you stick with it, or some character development. But Action movies that are boring? That pisses me off to no end. That is a special effects driven movie, and literally no effort seems to be put into any other aspect of it. It looks like an entire green screen explosion.

This movie makes the color green even look bad.

I have no idea what else to say, but thanks for reading the first 500, and here is to another 500!

What story is more cherished than The Three Musketeers?

Apparently a lot of them. You know how hard it was for me to find someone who knew the actual plot of The Three Musketeers book? I had never read it, nor have I really seen another movie with them in it. Maybe a wishbone episode, but I don’t remember it. I know I am not comparing the book to this new movie, but while watching it, I knew pretty certainly that some of the events in the movie could not have possibly been in the book.

After all, if they had been, that book might be a lot cooler.

This scene was one of the few that made me question if this was the actual story or not.

The story begins with the Three Musketeers trying to unlock Leonardo da Vinci’s secret tomb, where his most awesome invention blueprints were stored. Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Aramis (Luke Evans) and Porthos (Ray Stevenson) are all introduced (even with frozen framed name cards!), as is Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich). Each are shown their general personality, and how they prefer to conduct business and fight.

But after acquiring the plans for the warship…betrayal! In the form of the Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom). The Musketeer program is disbanded at that point. A year later, D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman, aka the Percy Jackson) is training with his father, a former musketeer. He dreams of going to Paris and becoming one himself, and so, you know, does that.

In Paris, he starts off on the wrong foot, pissing off Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen), captain of the Cardinal Richelieu’s (Christoph Waltz) guard. Despite barely escaping, while running through Paris, he also encounters each of the Musketeers, offends them too, and offers them each a duel an hour apart. Then he is like, oh shit, Musketeers.

They get arrested for illegal dueling, but because they took out 40 men in the process, the king (Freddie Fox) reinstates the Musketeers. Just in time. Because the Duke wants to go to war with France. So he arranges that love notes be found in the queen’s (Juno Temple) desk, that say she was having an affair with the duke, and had given him certain rare diamonds (which he has hence stolen). The king will be forced to execute his wife, and go to war, but because he is so young, the public wont like it, and reinstate someone else instead.

Unless the Musketeers can fix the day! Also there is a hot lady in waiting Constance (Gabriella Wilde) who totally wants D’Artagnan.

Lerman (center) looks like his head is out of place each scene with that hair.

How’d you like that summary? If you actually read the book, you’d notice obvious differences. I think Milady plays a way more important role in this movie, than the books. I think also the affair is real in the books (maybe here too? Could be argued). Also, warships.

This movie is also VERY colorful. The colors pop out, at first kind of distracted me (in the first throne room scene), but I got used to it and overall liked it.

Also, this movie reminded me of TONS of other movies. The movie did had an overall epic feel, similar to Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of The Black Pearl, and not just because of Orlando Bloom. If anything this movie succeeds because of everyone else. There was also a scene that was a clear homage to Mission Impossible. But instead of lasers, I assume just had to see trip wires that would ring bells, or something.

Did I mention warships?

If I had a big complaint, I would say they didn’t flesh out the three musketeers personality wise enough. They do a bit at the beginning, and some other moments, but this is clearly an action driven movie. I will say that all the musketeers, in my eyes, did a fantastic job, and the kid. Seriously, they all kicked some ass. I liked the steampunk like warships involved, and found it odd that I was so captivated by a movie that did so bad in the box office.

GUYS. WARSHIPS. GUYS.

Wooo. Another movie in theaters! I don’t like movies in theaters normally. People are there. Yuck. Similarly I tend to like movies way more than normal on a big screen, so I can’t necessarily think straight.

I am pretty sure though that after seeing Immortals the big screen factor didn’t come into play at all.

It hit me like a spear in the head.

The movie starts off with some fake Greek mythology, alright. Fine. Theseus, played by Henry Cavill, is pretty bad ass. That is him with the spear. Mickey Rourke, a King, wants to fuck everything up, find some bow, and release the Titans. With the help of a thief (Stephen Dorff) an Oracle (Freida Pinto) and occasional god tamperings (like Zeus / Luke Evans), they must try to stop the King before he releases the TItans. Or else everyone will die?

First off, for an action movie, there was a whole lot of not action. The main character himself didn’t seem to be that good. He could get the jump on a big group, kill some, and then bam. Get captured. He kept failing against big groups, it wasn’t funny. At least twice. The only amazing things he really did were two one on one fights. He even found the magical bow, and lost it almost instantly. The plot had a lot of holes in it, but if I told about them, it would provide more than one spoiler. But the bow? I guess just by saying it is magical or powerful, it can do anything? Sure it made its own energy bolts. But when he somehow sent arrows so quick four of them hit four targets at the same time. But later? These arrows make powerful explosions that go through stone walls. Way different properties out of nowhere.

So instead of action, they had the bad plot with bad acting. Because of the holes, I kept getting confused at what was going on. Confused may be a strong word, because it was simple. But still. You know.

I also didn’t find the visuals to be good at all. Everything just felt brown. I think a less realistic CGI or something might have helped the movie a bit. Which yeah doesn’t make any sense. The ending? Besides the confusion gained from the plot holes, it just didn’t make overall sense. I cannot tell if they are just trying to set up a sequel, or what.

It does feature some nice God on God action though. Even though this scene also was pretty stupid.