Tag: Liam Neeson

When I first heard of The Lego Movie, sometime mid 2013, I will admit I thought it was stupid. I know Lego has been revamping itself pretty intensely for the last decade, being more than just a child’s toy. With so many themes, and now video games based on movies, it is no surprise they are making a movie based on a game.

When I first saw the trailer? I was immediately hooked. This became one of my most looking forward to movies in the first half of 2014. Shit, it was even done by the guys who did Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs and Clone High. Those guys know comedy and they also know their pop culture references. Combined with an idea that has stuck its fingers in most pop culture references over the last few decades, and you have the potential for a storm of success.

See! One of these guys is excited about the storm of success!

In this story, our hero is one Emmet Brickowoski (Chris Pratt), who lives in the city and does the same thing each and every day. He follows the instructions on the box, lives his happy life, and builds things. There is absolutely nothing unique or special about him. That is, until he meets Wyldstyle (Elizabeth Banks), who is about to turn his reality upside down and change his life forever!

She introduces him to the Master Builders, other Lego people who can see from the world around them and build creations quickly and without instructions. Like Vitruvius (Morgan Freeman). He also learns that President/Lord Business (Will Ferrell) is going to unleash some power called “The KRAGLE” on the population in a few days, destroying everyone’s way of life forever!

From a series of accidental circumstances, Emmet is being labeled the “Special” and all of their hopes to saving the day are coming down to him. He will also have the help of other Master Builders like…Batman! (Will Arnett), Benny the 1980s space guy (Charlie Day), Metal Beard a strange huge pirate (Nick Offerman), and Unikitty (Alison Brie). Also, a Good Cop / Bad Cop (Liam Neeson) is working for Lord Business to capture the builders on the war front.

Shit, there is a ton of cameos too, which I won’t tag on the bottom, but might as well mention here. They also have Channing Tatum as Superman and Jonah Hill as Green Lantern (because, 21 Jump Street), Cobie Smulders as Wonder Woman, Shaq as Shaq, Billy Dee Williams and Anthony Daniels reprising their roles as Lando Calrissian and C3P0, and Will Forte as Abraham Lincoln again. His first time as Abe was of course, Clone High.

But you don’t care about them. You all just care about Batman. Don’t you?

Wow. Just wow.

Easily, the first thing that should be talked about is the animation style. They went full out wild with this, wanting to insure that everything always A) looked like Legos, and B) looked like how Legos moved. [Editor’s note: Some contention as to whether or not LEGO is supposed to be pluralized by an S, given it’s company name. They might prefer ‘LEGO Bricks’ if you do multiple ones. Well, I say fuck that, we call them Legos in America]. So yes, the movie could be considered a bit choppy to get all the movements right, but that gave it charm and personality and made me giddy the entire time. Watching waves or an explosion, but noticing they are all still lego pieces is incredibly exciting.

It was also pretty hilarious. I love pop culture as much as the next guy, but I do think their humor relied far too heavily on the fact that they were using major properties, such as Batman. Batman was in this movie way longer than I would have imagined (longer than any other already existing property). Although he was funny too, they were all specifically Batman jokes, and rarely just joke jokes. Most of the main team had their quirks, but none were as trademarked as Batman.

I also feel like parts of the ending were a bit…forced. Shit went real different at the end, kind of ruining the pace for me. All of the sudden, bam, we got a lesson to learn from this movie. I think it went far too long and took away from the film a bit.

I still really like this movie though, just the slowed down ending and over reliance on specific characters is what disappointed me. It was hilarious, creative, and shit, the animation itself is almost worthy of 4 out of 4. Honestly, I have a hard time believing there might be an overall better animated film the rest of the year. But it still had some faults for me. Even if Everything Was Awesome.

The Nut Job has the honor of being the first animated movie of 2014, which also means it is both the worst and best animated movie of 2014 so far.

Bask in that position while you can, The Nut Job, because your time on top will fall. It will cascade downward into oblivion, becoming worse and worse as the year goes on, until May. At that point, Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return comes out, so it will take the last spot so that you will have some shoulders to climb on. There you will be the second worst until July, in which we see Planes: Fire & Rescue. Whether or not you end up better than the “third worst animated film of the year” is left up to debate. But as of right now, thinks are not looking good.

Seriously, those things on the right look like beavers without the tails?

Surly (Will Arnett) is a purple squirrel, and thank everything he isn’t fucking named Squirrel. I mean, it’s still close to it, but its not Squirrel. Hate lazy family films like that. He lives in the cities park, but he is on his own, with his mouse friend Buddy. He doesn’t believe in collecting food for winter with the rest of the animals. No he wants nuts for himself.

Well, after a freak accident, involving a flying nut cart, the park’s food supply gets burned up in a fire. They blame it on him, despite it not really being his fault either. So the leader of the park, Raccoon (Liam Neeson) wants to avoid a trial and holds a vote for banishment of Surly from the park forever. Also, what in the fuck. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Raccoon named Raccoon? Fuck that.

So Surly has a bad time in the city, but he runs into the holy grail of buildings. A nut shop, with nuts! He could live there forever! But he can’t do it alone. Thankfully, due to the food storage, Raccoon has sent out Andie (Katherine Heigl) and Grayson (Brendan Fraser), the Park Hero, to find more food, and they will help! Also there they bring in a mole, named mother fucking Mole (voiced by mother fucking Jeff Dunham, ugh), and some beaver or something. Definitely bigger rodents.

So yeah, breaking into a nut shop, like a classic bank heist movie. But while this is happening, the “owners” of the nut shop are actually working on robbing the bank across the street by digging under the streets. Mob boss, typical story, everything going nuts. Also, Maya Rudolph voices a dog named Precious.

There is so much wrong with this movie, I don’t know where to begin.

Alright, first, the animation. It isn’t the best quality of CGI in any sense. It has its moments, but mostly it feels like a very strange…video game feel to it? Like they had no heart in the animation and it was something that they had just lying around. I don’t even know how to describe it. It never felt great to me though.

The puns. I like puns. But there are only two groupings of puns here. Referring to things as “nuts!” over and over again. And the Mob Boss talking about how much he hates “rats.” They can be clever, but they both get overused to the point where it doesn’t matter anymore.

The idea of the plot is a good one, but it barely followed any part of the traditional heist movie format. All of the plot is through miscommunication and people being dicks to each other. I am a bit happy to hear Fraser say “Shut the FRONT DOOR” in a PG movie though. That was a bit surprising.

Movie is full of random other bullshit that I noticed. For instance, the bank is across the street from the park. We learn that early on, because that is why the nut cart is there, for surveillance. But also, the nut shop is across the street from the front of the bank too. Some how. What? Fuck you. Makes even less sense when they show the people going on a long journey to stumble upon it, when it should be visible from the park.

More inaccuracies. A dam gets blown up that leads to the city. Explosions, cracked walls, big danger. Doesn’t affect the city at all. The water goes in two directions, one down a lazy river to the park, the other goes down a HUGEEE waterfall where we assume people/animals died. Surly goes down the dangerous waterfall, yet somehow that brings him…back to the park also. Geographically inconsistant.

They have major plot points that are either obvious, or used in terrible unclever ways (re: everything related to the dog whistle).

It was a mess of a movie.

As a side note, people who forgive a movie for being lame might say “Hey, it’s a kids movie, you are being too hard on it!” Kids movie should not be an excuse for poor quality. Pixar proved that a long time ago. Unfortunately, the theater was packed when I saw this. Many families. So many kids. Rarely did any of them laugh. Yeah, a shitty kids movies that kids don’t even enjoy.

Turning popular board games into movies is not a new thing, it is just not too common. Hopefully the next one is some disaster film by Michael Bay, involving Hungry Hungry Hippos. But really, why not board game movies? I can only think of one of the top of my head, Clue, and Clue is amazing. So why not Battleship? Sure, it is basically two naval units firing randomly into the abyss to hit the other, because fuck your radar.

Can they turn that into a full fledged naval war movie? Or will they just cop out and throw in some Aliens?

Yep. Fucking Aliens. Never mind the Michael Bay thing. He’d just make the Hippos become aliens as well.

Back in the mid 2000s, NASA has discovered a “Plant-G” with similar situations for life compared to earth. It is just super far away. So they send a giant ass beacon to that planet, hoping for a response. About six years later in 2012, they get one. But first! Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is a local slacker in Hawaii, and his brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgård) is a Commander in the Navy. He does not approve. Especially when he flirts with the Admiral’s daughter, Sam (Brooklyn Decker).

He does what anyone would do in this situation. He joins the Navy from the pressure, and six years later finds himself as a Lieutenant! Yeah. Even better, he has been dating Sam, and now wants to marry her. Just has to ask the Admiral (Liam Neeson) for his blessing first. This has a lot of nothing to do with Battleships, so lets move on. Woo, navy games with other countries involved in Hawaii! Too bad the Aliens show up and confuse everyone. Four ships, to be exact, land into the ocean, with a fifth one breaking apart and crash landing into Hong Kong. Whoops.

When the ships go close to investigate, a force shield is brought down trapping only three ships in its grasps! One lead by Stone, one with Alex on it, and the other lead by Captain Yugi Nagata (Tadanobu Asano) of Japan. Due to certain circumstances (death), Alex also finds him the new Captain of the ship, and he has to figure out how to bring down the Alien threat, while his girlfriend, a man without legs, and a scientist try and stop the aliens from signaling home. Also, Rihanna is here, doing some stuff.

Doin’ some stuff on some computers, gettin’ her pew pew pew on.

So here is something cool. You are probably wondering how randomly firing into the ocean makes this movie eh? Well, turns out the Aliens turn off their Radar, so they kind of have to blind fire. Because it is by Hawaii, there are tsunami warning buoys throughout the ocean. They access that information, to try and determine where the Aliens are currently swimming by the rise in elevation of the tide at that point. Then they fire at the buoys to hit them. Thankfully they have short quick names like, B7, allowing the firing to become quicker and more easier.

Cheesy? Yes. But I like that they incorporated the game in some how.

But that is all I liked. This did basically feel and look like Transformers, if all the Transformers were giant machines that became sea dragons. Dialogue and plot was crap. Epic sea battles didn’t really happen. Mostly ships got destroyed, and one was able to survive and fight back. Slowly. The scenes on the island trying to stop the aliens on foot? Eh, wasn’t a fan of those either.

Basically, it was another mainstream action movie that I found boring. Can’t believe anyone would be surprised at this point!

Four years ago, when I first saw Taken, it was basically a mind blowing experience. Liam Neeson, being old, but kicking ass. All the ass. So much ass. Like, an absurd amount of dead bodies actually. Holy crap, he took out an entire mafia in France basically. He killed people with his cold heart alone, but just wanted to save his daughter and further awkwardanize their relationship.

But then I heard there would be a sequel, a Taken 2. Okay, fine, I liked the first one. As long as it just didn’t involve his daughter being dumb again, then it might work. Who doesn’t want to see more of Liam Neeson running around destroying everyone?

Well if anything, looks like his daughter gets to at least drive a car this time!

Remember all those people he killed? Well turns out, the fathers and brothers and other family members of them are kind of pissed off. Murad Krasniqi (Rade Serbedzija) is the father of the man who Bryan (Neeson) tortured with electricity and killed in the first film. After a large burial in their small Albanian village, they declare vengeance on the man who killed their family members. Just have to find him first.

Speaking of Bryan, well, he is still doing odd jobs and trying to get in with his old family. Turns out his wife (Famke Janssen) is no longer with her second husband. Score! Their daughter Kim (Maggie Grace) is probably 17 now, because she has failed her drivers test twice now. Parallel parking destroys her. Oh and she has a boyfriend.

But sad things happen! Their fancy fall vacation trip to China was canceled, because it was with the ex! Thankfully, Bryan has a job in Istanbul and invites them along to save their vacation! Woo, Istanbul! Land of a thousand lakes. So of course the Albanian’s show up and want to capture him and his whole family, return them to Albania, and kill him on their soil. The rest of the movie involves Bryan trying to protect both his wife and daughter, who are separated, while apparently taking out the last half of the men in that small Albanian village.

Remember. Like 17 or something in this film. Not 29 like the actress.

So how was Neeson as a bad ass now versus four years ago? Well, when I watch Taken, I kind of picture him like Batman. A Batman that kills. He has to use clues and whatever he can to get him to the next part of his journey, closer and closer to finding his daughter before she is unreachable and a sex slave. This time? Well, the bad guys come to him. So the whole thing takes place in Istanbul, which is a huge city yes, but a lot less expansive than the first film. Solving clues? Not really in this film. There is only two moments where he really uses his brain, the first time was awesome, the second time was just off of his memory.

So that is a decline from the first film. What about the action? I’d say that is mostly on par with the first one. Lot of hand to hand fighting, quick shot. Hey even a chase scene too, but this time with Maggie Grace driving the car. The mom character gets to be the mostly helpless captive this time, so there is that difference.

The problem with this movie is that it really doesn’t offer anything new. I went in kind of excited, but I felt like I was given a lot less on my plate compared to my first helping. Similar situations, yet a lot less. The first film did have quite a few “well that is convenient” moments, sure, but this one kind of amplifies that. They actually show zero transition from successfully saving his daughter with the US Embassy but being surrounded by people in guns, to being back on the streets for his wife. Tons of story line that seemed to be ignored, I guess to keep it around 90 minutes.

Taken 2 shouldn’t exist, but it should be followed up with a film called Taken It Easy, where Neeson finally gets to rejoin his family. Without awkwardness.

Hey look at that, here we are with 600 reviews for the Website. Pretty snazzy I must say.

Normally here is where I list my other milestone reviews, but fuck that, I realized just tagging them all as Milestone Review was a way easier idea. Because my best milestone review at 500 was Clash of the Titans, basically what this website ends up alluding to, I figured a nice tribute was to do its sequel, Wrath of the Titans for 600!

This bad boy will also spoil the whole thing, so that’s important, you know, if you actually care about this movie.

“I care about spoilers! Don’t let them know what becomes of me!”

Ten years after the death of the Kraken, Perseus (Sam Worthington) is just hanging out. He has a son, ten year old boy, but he is a widow because Io went out and died on him. Oh well, being a demi-god is rough I guess, but he don’t care. Not until his dad Zeus (Liam Neeson) shows up being all fucking morbid.

Apparently no one gives shits about the gods. This lack of devotion is causing their world to come undone. If no one cares about them, all they have created will cease to be. Tartarus (a afterlife prison) has its walls coming down and that can be bad! But Perseus has zero fucks to give.

“Yep, I checked the charts. We are lost, and no fucks at all around.”

But Zeus (who no longer has that bitch ass glow going on) goes to Tartarus, and brings with him Poseidon (Danny Huston), Hades (Ralph Fiennes), and his son Ares (Edgar Ramirez).

Turns out Hades is still pissed off from last time, and totally kills Poseidon and injures Zeus. Ares feels like now is a good time to betray his dad, and helps Hades! Since they are kicking ass, they decide to become immortal by draining Zeus of all his power and give it to Kronos, who Zeus defeated way long ago. Somehow this plan works, and can’t possibly fuck up.

Aww, he is just a magician clearly. Needs to work on his ninja escape dust though.

OH FUCK MONSTERS ROAM THE WORLD NOW. AND A CHIMERA COMES OUT OF NO WHERE AND ATTACKS PERSEUS.

Well, that was easy. Chimera are the bitches of the monster world.

Because Perseus has no idea whats up, he tries to ask his dad, but you know. Prisoner. Thankfully Poseidon, with his last breath tells Perseus what is up. Not good things of course. Gives him a cool trident though. Tells him to find his son Agenor (Toby Kebbell). Because his son can help him find Hephaestus (Bill Nighy). Why Hephaestus? Because he knows the way to Tartarus. Seems complicated. Oh well.

Why not go steal Agenor from Andromeda (Rosamund Pike). Easy enough, hell, she will join too and bring soldiers. Eventually they get to an island, where they are attacked by Cyclops!

“And I kill all the humans and eat them for dinner, right? Right?”

Turns out they eventually find Hephaestus. Crazy right? Well, they realize that the three weapons of Hades/Zeus/Poseidon can be combined to form a spear, and that is the only thing that can kill Kronos. Pretty weird, but alright. Looks like time to collect shit. Or just go to Tartarus and find the other two pieces just hanging out. I’m sure Ares won’t try to stop them and fuck some shit up.

Andromeda doesn’t like it when people jinx situations.

Minotaurs die, and look, Tartarus! That was overall pretty easy. Too bad Kronos is about to bust out and fuck up all the shit. The only saving grace is Zeus apologizing to Hades for putting him in the Underworld. Aww, shucks, that is all he really wanted an apology. Too bad Ares is still a bitch, and he totally kills Zeus, and everyone teleports out of the area because Kronos is scary.

But with 2/3 of the spear, Perseus prays to Ares to challenge him to a one on one fight, so he can get back Zeus’ thunderbolt. While this is going on, Kronos’ demonic army of Mikhai are ravaging the planes and generally kicking everyone in the army’s ass.

I think all those limbs give them an advantage. And being demons.

Thanks to using his son as bait, Perseus is able to eventually kill Ares. Kind of serious, but hey, whatever. At that same time, Hades decides to give up his immortality to revive his brother Zeus, and Zeus looks young and stylish. Too bad Hades is old. And both of them are now mortal. Oh well, still got cool powers. So they help drive back the demon army.

“Bitch, I’m fabulous!” – Zeus

Yadda yadda, spear is made. Zeus sacrifices himself again to save Hades, so he can slowly start to die. Perseus rides off into the sunset — wait no, that is Kronos, my bad. He rides off into Kronos and destroys him with a glowing spear. Yay the father of the gods is dead!

Too bad so are all the rest of the gods. Man, Zeus is about to die, Hades is now old and mortal, Poseidon is gone, Ares. Everyone left sucks. Apparently the time of the gods is over naturally, and now maybe demigods can rule the world? Perseus gets it on with Andromeda, and decides to train his son to be a fighter, you know, because they have to deal with their own problems, and the titans that are about to start rising up again, since they are no longer imprisoned.

If I was Kronos in this situation, I would have sprayed Perseus with magma. Yep. Sucks to suck Kronos.

So, I had some big complaints about the first movie. The action, all of it, I just found boring. The look of it all felt wrong. Way too much CGI, not enough realism. Shitty glow of the gods. Well this movie actually fixed a lot of my complaints.

Obviously, the gods don’t have that glow. Easy fix, now they look better.

Better CGI use? I’d say so. The battle with the chimera felt kind of cheesy, but less green screeny. Overall the movie was a lot less just “Always brown”, because the last film had tons of desert. So visually it was better.

Better action? I’d say so. The final fight between Perseus and Ares felt real, two powerful men slugging it out. None of the fights in this film were every “whole bunch of people versus things far too big for them” like the damn crabs in the last movie. A lot more close fights. The giant ass Kronos vs everyone isn’t a real fight either, since it is more of a “just die and stall until the spear is made” tactic, and not an actual battle they think they can win.

Despite the fact that I truly think this is a better movie than Clash, I still wasn’t entirely entertained. It improved though, and might be worth a watch. But when TNT starts to show it in the future, I know I won’t just sit back and watch.

Dubbed “one of the first great movies of 2012” by one of my friends, it took me quite awhile to watch The Grey. Not even sure why. I generally like Liam Neeson. Everyone loves Taken. I hated Unknown. I feel like I’d never give a movie of his a 2 out of 4, always in the extremes. Extremes are scary.

They are like a box of chocolates, and what not.

This journey aged him. Or that is just snow.

John Ottway (Liam Neeson) is a hunter, working for an oil drilling team. His job is to kill the wolves who get near the team. He is pretty good at it, kickass gun and all that. Well after they leave in the plane, their job done, fucking snow storm happens and they crash into the ground. Yep, that sucks. Lot of people die from the initial crash, leaving about 7-8 guys still alive and wondering what to do.

Initially the plan is to stay with the plane crash, the most likely place to be found for a rescue. But with all the bodies around, the wolves are attracted to the area, and they are way too out in the open to defend themselves properly (From the elements / wolves) and have no food source. So Ottway suggests they go to the woods, where they can better defend, prepare weapons and begin to look for civilization. One asshole doesn’t like the thought of Ottway as leader, Diaz (Frank Grillo) but they all reluctantly decide to do it, and bring the wallets of the dead with them.

The rest of the survivors, Dermot Mulroney, Dallas Roberts, Nonso Anozie, and Joe Anderson, also attempt to survive the elements, from sudden blizzards, jumping large heights, and just general wolf pack attacks testing their survival.

But when they are tested at every moment for survival, the true question is if anyone can make it out alive from the wilderness.

Sometimes you gotta tape broken bottles to your fist and just go to town.

Hey look a polarizing movie! Hooray!

Generally, most people like 98% of the movie. But hate the last scene. I can see why. Spoilers? It is one of those sudden go to black scenes. Just ends the movie, potentially before all the plot is “finished”. So if you hate those, then definitely stay away.

They did have a scene after the credits to help answer it, but still leaves it up for some interpretation. But still, the bleakness remains.

What we have in this movie is a group of men, all with flaws and bad back stories, yet all become potentially likable, even dick characters, as they bond together to fight for survival. Which is all this movie is about, by the way. People just trying to survive. Maybe they all do! But you know people are going to die. Could have easily went a more horror route with the wolves, but kept it to drama/action, making it more enjoyable for me.

Still some fear though. Those wolves be scary, yo.

Hooray! Review 500!

FIVE HUNDRED. That is actually significant. Kind of like the first review, or 100th. 500 is such a nice number, so I have to do my most speicalist review ever. I have to review the movie, that is a remake, of my websites name sake.

Clash Of The Titans came out in 2010, and was supposed to be a big event, after all, the original Clash of the Titans was still talked about at that point, and was a big event back then.

But even back then, everyone knew the original movie was kind of shitty. Bad special effects, plot, was just super silly. So of course the best idea ever would be to remake it with the SAME plot, but instead of bad special effects, we will very expensive bad CGI effects. WHAT A GREAT IDEA! Honestly, I thought the effects in the movie were so bad, I couldn’t tell the pictures between the two movies apart, so I might end up using some of the old one “accidentally”.

Hopefully by now you realized that my logo of “Watching shitty movies so you don’t have to” and relating it to Gorgons, is that if you watch bad movies, you might turn to stone. And I am saying Clash of the Titans is a bad movie.

Just ask Liam Neeson as Zeus. That is him right?

Blah blah blah, Hades (Ralph Fiennes) is a bad guy in this movie, because for some reason the ruler of the Underworld means bad person. Of course he was also “tricked” into ruling the Underworld by Zeus and Poseidon, so really any anger he has in those context seems justified.

Either he accepted the Underworld and is a decent god like the rest, or he was tricked in to there by his dick brothers, and thus wants to fuck things up from time to time. I don’t see how either makes him a bad dude. But hey, maybe there is a secret reason he is pissed off.

“Jizz! Jizz everywhere! Ahhh!!!”

Anyways, Baby Perseus (Sam Worthington) is found floating in a river, very Moses-esque, and raised by a different family. Eventually said family village gets fucked up, thanks to people not believing in the gods. Hmm, also Moses-esque. So everyone dies besides him, and he goes to another kingdom. They hate the gods there and are like, whatever. Even saying their daughter Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) is the hottest bitch in town.

More god interruptions, and apparently the Kraken will be summoned if Andromeda isn’t sacrificed by the next solar eclipse.

Also Perseus is the son of Zeus.

I’m sure he was stoked to hear the news.

So of course he gets imprisoned, where he meets Io (Gemma Arterton) who is immortal after not sexing up Poseidon (what?) and is forced to watch over his life and protect him. Sweet deal. She tells him his mom was a Queen who died, after she was impregnanted by Zeus. The King Acrisius (Jason Flemyng) tried to war against the gods, and that is how they punished him, so he sent them to see. Also he turned into a legit monster.

“What a monstrosity! Why won’t he shave!?”

Eventually he is freed to go find a way to stop a Kraken with a small army. While Hades makes Calibos (that monster “dad”) stronger, to kill Perseus. But first he must face other trials! Apollo (Luke Evans) tries to give Perseus a cool sword and Pegasus to help fight, but he refuses. Then Calibos comes and fucks some shit up, so they run, and of course they run straight into a giant scorpion.

I mean, of course.

Some Djinn save them, and cure their poison. They also let them know the only way to stop the Kraken is with Medusa’s head, a Gorgon. Bitch turns anything of flesh into stone if they look at her. Including the Kraken! So they decide to go to the Underworld, because where the hell else would she be? Zeus tries to stop them and make Perseus a god, thinking he wont want to kill them all if he has the power too. He refuses. Of course.

At least he gets a coin as a consolation prize!

So they go to the Underworld! Find the lair! Io can’t go in because she is a woman! (What?). Most of the crew dies, but thankfully Perseus survives and cuts off her head in a very unapologetic fashion. Kind of rude if you ask me. Could have just asked her to help stop the Kraken.

This looks strangely familiar.

But after that, the monster dude comes back! He totally kills Io. Fuck. But he is able to slay him, with the help of that sword, and turn him back to his normal human form. Still dies though. Perseus realizes his fate and that he needs to stop being so selfish, accept help, and fuck shit up. So he hops on Perseus (who was also just hanging around) and heads to save the day! If only someone had told him he’d need these things earlier.

“Fuck you Perseus! Who turns down a gift?”

So Kraken is about to be summoned, and the gods are weaker because people still aren’t respectin’ them. BUT WAIT. Turns out Hades also gets stronger from fear, and the Kraken is a scary ass beast. Guess who is the strongest god now? Hades can totally take over Mt. Olympus. Way to fuck up Zeus. What do you have to say for yourself?

“Oh my bad. I’m actually trying to audition for Twilight. Got distracted.”

So he rushes to the Kraken, who is taking out everything, and trying to eat Andromeda. After all, the sacrifice still needs to happen, for some reason. Getting the head to Kraken proves to be difficult. I also assume his hunger is pretty insatiable, given his large mouth, and large dorment period.

Bitches love Krakens.

But yes. Perseus eventually shows the Kraken his head. Stone. Saved the day. Somehow everything is back to normal. Perseus still says no to godhood, and no to king hood (Turning down Andromeda). He instead gets Io revived, and wants to just run away and do whatever he wants.

Yayyy.

So what is the problem with the movie besides its horrible special effects, its lame butchering of Greek Mythology, and its poor acting?

Which version of the Kraken is from the 80s? I have no fucking idea.

It is also super BORING. Gah. I hate boring movies. Well it depends. A drama that can be considered boring or slow usually has at least an emotional connection if you stick with it, or some character development. But Action movies that are boring? That pisses me off to no end. That is a special effects driven movie, and literally no effort seems to be put into any other aspect of it. It looks like an entire green screen explosion.

This movie makes the color green even look bad.

I have no idea what else to say, but thanks for reading the first 500, and here is to another 500!

Chloe was “voted” to be my next review, so the last thing I would hope to do is piss off my readers. Even though everyone who voted for this probably already saw it, and thus don’t really need a review on it. People are probably doing this to judge me, and make sure I think like they think! Ahh! Pressure!

Oh yes. Sorry. Back on topic.

Movie begins with Liam Neeson, being all college professor like. Apparently the kids love him, cause he is a swell guy. He has to deny going out to dinner with a few of the students, because it is his birthday, and he must fly home! But he misses his flight. Which is bad because his wife, Julianne Moore, had a big party planned for him. Oh well, its not like he was cheating on her right? Right?

Right?

Well out at dinner the next day, she runs into Amanda Seyfried, who is a call girl (named Chloe!!) of some sort. After a few other “moments”, Julianne is convinced Liam is cheating on her and has a thing for younger girls. After all, when men get older they get handsomer, and women just get “old”. So she hires Chloe to bump into Liam at a breakfast area, and see if he does anything. Well he does. He talks with her for a bit.

This enrages Julianne so she sends her off to do it again, to make sure. But not go too far with it! Well too far happens. Sexy time might happen. But the descriptions are pretty hot? Julianne both hates it, but gets turned on by it. Whaat. Good thing they don’t have a son or something, that would make all of this more awkward. Oh wait, Max Thieriot plays their teen angsty son, discovering sex for himself.

Don’t let that scarf fool you. He is cool, because he plays hockey in the movie.

So, there’s a lot of talk about sex, and actions involving sex in this movie. Also a lot more Julianna Moore boobage than I expected (which was actually nothing). All of the Seyfried boobage, except maybe once, was stunt doubled. Obviously if you hate sex, or talk about sex, you will hate this movie.

I kind of guessed where it was going, and it was pretty serious. But I didn’t expect everything that happened. The acting great for the two main female leads. Liam Neeson and the son weren’t as important to the crazy wife and the call girl. Both of which open up pretty emotionally.

The only thing I really don’t get his Neeson as a professor. I can’t tell what is going on with him. He has to fly a plane to get to his home at the beginning, so I assume he works far away. But throughout the movie he keeps having to go to class, meet with teachers, etc. And it seems like he is in walking or driving distance. I figured he could have been on a long break at first, but still having to work at break? Maybe he just flies in and out daily. Yeah. That makes more sense.

Damn it, Liam Neeson.

“What?” – Liam Neeson.

My original review of this movie was just the first four words. But I asked three people and one wanted me to elaborate.

Neeson’s wife (Laura Linney), a shoe designer, died. He finds out she may have been sleeping with anOther Man. He finds out it is Antonio Banderas in Milan. He goes to Milan. He stalks him, talks to him, finds out the truth. And that is about it.

Spoilers???

The movie is slow. I don’t care about any of the characters. Liam Neeson is just raging, but it leads to nothing. Eventual closer, that is it. It is super boring. 90 minutes was far too long for about 15 minutes of actual activity it seems. Just don’t watch this movie, because the emotion you will feel is anger.