Tag: Kristen Stewart

This is the 250th movie review! Which means more Twilight action, and more pictures.

Twilight: Eclipse is the third movie/book, behind Twilight and Twilight: New Moon.

Let us start with the important things first!

Anna Kendrick is barely in this movie again. Why is she even agreeing to do this? She was in an early lunch scene, to show that they are still in school? Then Valedictorian speech at graduation, and quick hey lets party, at the after party.

Here is what appears to be a photo Kendrick leaving the set from a stalker. Probably did all of her scenes in one day, so this is rare.

So what happens in this movie? First off, it turns out that red head bitch from the first and second movie (who I thought died in the second movie!) isn’t dead yet and /still/ causing problems. Really? Not only that, but it took me awhile to realize it was the same one, because a different actress was brought in. (Further research had me find out that Twilight fans were mad at the change, thinking the new person couldn’t do it as good as the last person. You know, the character who I easily ignored in the first two movies. What?).

“I’m important, notice me!”

This movie also gave you all the back story you didn’t know you wanted. I think at least two vampires told their “and then I became a vampire” tales. Additionally, with the “Were”wolves, we got to hear a story about how they started to hate vampires.

A sexy story told over a sexy campfire.

But yeah! Turns out red headed chick is making a small army of “firstyear” vampires in order to kill Bella. She is super mad about things from awhile ago. Apparently first year vampires are the worst. They are all, rawr, and shit. So they are more dangerous than actual vampires that are badass? Weird. So Kristen Stewart doesn’t like that. Thankfully, both Edward Cullen and Jacob Black want to protect her, so they join forces to train how to kill vampires. Very weird thing to train a mortal enemy, but hey. It is BELLA guys.

No one even wears a red shirt for the training.

So yeah. In other dramatic news. Edward keeps asking Bella to marry him. She keeps saying “make me a vampire first”. It is like Paradise by the Dashboard Lights all over again, but a role reversal. Bella is all fine living her whole life with him, but doesn’t want to “marry young” or else she will be a slut, or pregnant, or something. Her mom did it, and she doesn’t want too. Does that mean Bella is willing to risk turning into a vampire and leaving Edward? Maybe. There is after all…Jacob!

Who she also loves. But not as much. So the point is moot. Doesn’t stop a hot (and weird) tent scene, where Jacob has to warm her up because it is cold, and Edward cannot. Thankfully, the bros bond over the moment.

This is not an actual scene from the movie. But if it was, that’d be fucked up.

But Jacob is a dick and says he will still fight over Bella until she makes up her mind. Oh well. Even gets an awesome kiss out of it, making Edward mad. Bella is a bitch, really. Eventually, red headed chick finds Bella. But Jacob/Edward kills her and save Bella. (She turns to stone at death? And it was a lot easier death than the guy from the first movie. Hell, all the vampires were. WTF?).

But then the weird group from the other movie show up late to fix the problem. Didn’t even realize it was Dakota Fanning from New Moon. Oh well, as far as I can tell, they still have little point. They enforce rules I guess? Probably the final villains.

How could I miss that?? She even has the same red eyes.

So the movie ends where I thought we were at the end of the second. With the red headed chick dead, and Bella choosing Edward. But this time agreeing to marry him, then sex, then vampirism. Weird order, but alright. I would definitely choose vampire before sex. I wouldn’t say Sex with Edward would cause problems, but man, if he is dead / has no blood flow, how can he get it up? Also, it would probably fuck up your child somehow.

Thankfully this movie didn’t have long boring parts like the second. But instead of half of it feeling like it didn’t need to exist, it felt like most of it didn’t need to exist. I think the next movie will start right where I thought the second one ended.

But I will be disappointed, because now that high school is over, they have no real ways to fit Anna Kendrick into any more screen time.

This is the 200th movie review of the site! The only other “big milestone” was 150, as 50 and 100 existed with the site launch already. Because damn it, I want to provide content. To match the theme from 150, this will be a picture heavy review.

Twilight: New Moon is the sequel to the movie Twilight, and hopefully it will answer all of the questions that the first movie failed to answer. Like. Why do Jacob and Edward hate each other?

Actually. That is about all I really cared about from the first movie.

“u mad bro?”

The movie begins with Kristen Stewart turning 18. Like you would assume, this makes her feel like an old lady, to the hundred some year old Edward who is stuck at 17. In a decade, their relationship will feel pretty pedo-tastic. So they have a party to ignore the future, but one vampire smells her paper cut and flips a shit.

“bro, u mad?”

Edward does the right thing then, and breaks up with her and moves the family to some other miserably dreary town. That is about the first 10 minutes. THE NEXT 35 MINUTES IS HORRIBLE BORING TIME. Seriously. I don’t know whats up, but the next half hour is mostly about her being sad. Eventually, she starts hanging out with Jacob, because her dad is threatening to move her back to cheery Phoenix, and guess what, she likes his adrenaline. She also probably likes that he keeps taking off his shirt to clean wounds. Oh yeah. But after 45 minutes of movie, we find out that Edward is haunting her as a ghost.

“Bellllaaaaaaaaaaaa. Belllaaaaaaa!!!” He is really just missing some rattling chains.

At this point, a little bit more happens but I am kinda mad. Just like a bro would be. (Third reference is a charm?). If I don’t see any werewolves before the first hour, I just don’t see the point. Long story short, I am disappointed. Instead I get to see them watch a movie called Face Punch and Jacob get all testosteroned up and mad at some other guy. He then promises to love Bella. Sounds familiar. At least he isn’t an immortal freak monster.

Speaking of freak monsters, at minute 62 we get to see big giant wolves in the forest! They are chasing the Jamaican vampire from the last movie who was friendly. Apparently there is consequences for the last movie, and now they want to kill Bella. Him and the weird red headed one. 65 minutes in Jacob does very impressive acrobatics. 70 minutes in? SOMEONE TURNING INTO A LARGE WOLF THING. Gah. So does Jacob. Wolf fight!

I am so glad the internet knows exactly what I want.

As a side note, I am usually upset when a werewolf is depicted as just a large wolf. Not like, a standing up wolf, but just a bigger regular wolf. Other movies seem to be doing that now too. So the next bit of movie is them protecting her from the last vampire who wants to kill her. Fine. But she wants Edward back. So she jumps off of a cliff to make the ghost upset. It works, his sister shows up, and is all, oh. You are alive. Cool.

Jacob is upset because he is now madly in love with Bella. So he is mad at the vampires. Either way. Somehow Edward finds out about all of this crap, and thinks Bella is dead. So he does the reasonable thing. He goes to Rome to have the vampire law makers kill him.

Shirtless, of course, as its the common theme.

So somehow after all this, the final conflict seems to be getting there fast enough to make sure he doesn’t get himself killed? They do this. The council doesn’t care. But thankfully love happens, and she agrees to turn into a vampire. So they spare him? Yay. Very easy ending. And, much like the last movie, the final “oh no conflict” seems to have come out of no where from the first 90 minutes of movie.

So they vote, yay, she can be a vampire. But first? More Edward and Jacob Angst. Bella tells Jacob that she wants Edward, (probably just wants to live forever) and to get away. The reason why they haven’t been killing each other (because werewolves only kill vampires? What?) is some treaty crap. It ends if they ever bite a human. Like Bella. Dun dun dun. And scene!

But here is another shirtless photo, to take on the road.

So, overall? This movie was way too long. The first hour could have been condensed a lot more. Instead of being about vampires, it seems like the first half was about nothing at all. Then some werewolf stuff. Then attempted suicide far away (Despite Edward not being in most of the movie). Then some quarrels. Then end. Like. I feel like they didn’t even want it to be full movie.

Minutes 70-95 seem to be a real ending to the first movie, but they also put filler in between it. This stuff needs to be shifted so that the first movie could have felt more complete. Maybe take the next hour of the third movie and put it on this one for a better experience? I don’t know. I won’t for another 50 reviews.

I think we can all also agree that Anna Kendrick‘s role was greatly diminished in this movie, much to my disappointment.

For some reason when I first saw this movie, I thought Yellow Wallpaper. Not sure why, since clearly those titles are far apart from each other. But this movie did seem familiar. Oh, Kristen Stewart is in it? Maybe that’s why. Given her incredibly talented acting resume, I should have immediately recognized it as one of her movies!

What? Hating on Kristen Stewart for the quick laugh? I wouldn’t do something like that.

The Yellow Handkerchief is more or less a story about weridos. William Hurt plays a man who has just been released from prison, and for “some reason” wants to travel to a different part of Louisiana. Kristin Stewart is a girl who feels like no one cares for her, and wants to get out of the town. Eddie Redmayne is actually a weird guy, with some weird social disorders I have to assume. Very forward, talks funny, and guess what? He has a car!

For various reasons they go on a small road trip through Louisiana, so that William can get to see his lost lover, Maria Bello, before he was in prison.

This movie has some good themes. Like acceptance! And uhh. Growing up. And uhh. Second chances. Yeah!

I was about to say three difference sentences about how each actor/actress did good in their role, but this one sentence should do that well enough.

I was also confused a few times during the movie. I couldn’t tell when it was set (the last five years), but it also made it seem like it was decades ago with the small and empty towns. Just didn’t know there was small town life like that anymore. Also, three different occasions it seemed like a woman got all upset over sex, and were about to claim rape. Despite you know, trying to have sex with the dude already. Very weird. Okay, two and a half times.

“Half a rape attempt? I can dig that.”

Pretty interesting movie, but also kinda slow. Good endings and lessons learned though. Wasn’t watered down with a lot of excessive violence or anything. Very simple.

Hooray Hooray Hooray! This is the 150th movie review on the site. This seems like a special occasion (more special than 100th Review) so I will include way too many pictures as a way of celebrating.

Twilight is a “vampire” themed Romance Drama thing (some people may call it a “Chick Flick” even) based off some book of the same name. So anything that the book tells me that the movie does not tell me I don’t know. Like I don’t know if Kristen Stewart is actually supposed to be so freakishly pale (which characters in the movie allude too. So probably).

If you glare long enough, you might be able to make out her face.

Cedric Diggory plays the main vampire role, and is super gross. Dude almost threw up when he first saw Bella. Not to mention his foster brothers/sisters, also all creepy and dating each other. Leaves him all alone. Girls want him, like Anna Kendrick, but he is too cool for them. They aren’t pale enough.

He also likes those Asian types.

Anyways, despite Cedric telling Bella that he is super predatoring her, and that she can’t help but fall under his charm, she still thinks she loves him. That is ridiculous.

“You are under an aura spell so I can kill you. But I wont.” “Fuck that, this is LOVE!”

After the long drawn out opening, after they all of the sudden love each other, the rest of the movie feels like it is just him slowly explaining to her what being a vampire in this world is like. They pick some place Oregon cause it is dreary as fuck, cloudy and rainy, so not much direct sunlight to make them shine. Also, I think about 4/5 of this movie takes place in the woods. They always run out to the damn woods. It got pretty annoying, cause the woods are cloudy/dreary too. No pretty scenery is in this movie at all.

Also, for some reason the clouds/fog make sexy shapes.

The ending felt super rushed. But before that. BASEBALL? WHAT? That was one of the strangest scenes ever in a movie. “Hey its thunderstorming so we can play baseball, if we time our swings with the thunder booms and do ridiculous super human strength stuff”. No one seemed to ever miss, making pitching stupid. Also I don’t think anyone scored a point.

WHAT? Baseball?!

After baseball, the ending began. Everything was super rushed. I just said that. All of the sudden, snarly mcsnarl vampire loner wanted to get Bella, and she had to run, because he wouldn’t stop. So they drive to Phoenix. And then confront him. Weird fight later. Bella almost dies. Cedric saves her. Go to prom. Dance. The end.

Yay prom.

NO ITS NOT REALLY THE END. Some random girl spied on them dancing? Also, I have no idea why Cedric hated Taylor Lautner so much. Maybe its because he isn’t really an Indian? Lautner seemed to hate him back though. They never explain why in this movie, which is just silly. What is there more movies coming? It probably has to do with his hair.

No wonder “Team Jacob” chants didn’t start with this movie.

Overall the movie was as cheesy as I thought it would be. I don’t see how anyone could “fall” for the Cedric Diggory character. Kristen Stewart was annoying as a longer. Whats up Anna Kendrick. Taylor Lautner creeped me out. Then more drawn out parts. Yeah.