Tag: Horror

I really really am not qualified to review horror films. How are they supposed to be judged? I don’t know. I either tend to love or hate them. Doubt I have any 2 out of 4 horror films. What is average?

Basically, they either creep me out (scare me) or they bore me. Occasionally, I like some for their plot, but those are rare.

For V/H/S, I’d put it in the creepy column.

Her? Well, there is a fine line between hot and creepy apparently.

Alright, I might not actually be sure what the “actual” plot of the movie is. I think its about a group of asshole kids, who fuck shit up, and film it on their cameras for others to see. Also assault women, making “Reality porn”. Not the nicest bunch. Well, these asshole kids get hired to steal a video tape from someone, it is valuable. But maybe the video tape is actually a collection of other fucked up events happening, and potentially haunted itself?

Not actually sure. But the main film is spliced with five short stories (although, they are about as long as the main story too, which is just split up). I can’t even tag any people from them or really describe them without giving away too much. But the titles do a fair enough job on their own!

Tape 56.
Amateur Night.
Second Honeymoon.
Tuesday The 17th.
The Sick Thing That Happened To Emily When She Was Younger.
10/31/98.

You can make your own guesses with some of these. But there is a lot of themes present in the movie. Succubus. Woods. Ghost Hands. Cults. Ex Lovers. Zombies. Aliens. You name it.

I hope you tried to move the mouse in the picture.

Honestly, I found this terrifying. Not just because it involved such old technology (Kids won’t know what V/H/S tapes are!). It was interesting watching a movie about V/H/S tapes on Blu-Ray.

Not every short film is great. I didn’t really like the Emily one, or the main storyline that much. But Amateur Night was a great side story to start the films off right. It really was able to draw you in and then fuck with your mind some at the end, even if the end you saw coming (a little).

I think overall it was creatively done, even if there are things in it you have seen from other movies (as seen in picture 2 and Paranormal Activity 4). Having a different director for each short film keeps it fresh, and potentially interesting to watch multiple times.

3 out of 4

John Dies At The End?

Shit. This is either some existentialist or Buddhist metaphor, or this movie is putting spoilers in the title!

Or maybe it is trolling me. What if John survives at the end, and I am all like “Oh shit, I didn’t see that coming!” and talk wildly about the twist ending. Kind of like when Kenny stopped dying every episode in South Park. Even stranger, I found out this movie was adapted from a book written by a senior editor at Cracked.com.

Ohhhh mannnn. I love cracked! Hell, I used to base my picture subtitles off of their website with hilarious jokes. Unfortunately now, I fill it mostly with all caps and nonsensical expletives, and sometimes just boringly describe the picture (like dry humor) that doesn’t translate well over the internet, and never really make people laugh at all.

HOLY FUCK THIS MAY BE THE CREEPIEST KITTEN DAMN THING I’VE SEEN.

Strange things are afoot in the world. Magic, demons, alternative dimensions, drugs, you name it. But really, maybe things are only strange for a certain select group of people, and the rest get to live their lives ignoring it.

David Wong (Chase Williamson) and his friend John (Rob Mayes) seem to have some sort of handle on the situation. After all, they have defeated demons, and gotten their friends out of trouble, and have seen some terribly messed up shit. But how did it all go down?

Arnie Blondestone (Paul Giamatti) is a reporter interested in this story David has to tell, so the way we see the events in the movie are based off of the descriptions of David, and interceded with conversations between him and the reporter.

Maybe it all began with some drugs? Not normal drugs. Drugs that messed with their perception of time and reality. Knowing what would come in the future, where things came from before, what happened to others, other hard to explain parallel timeline stuff. They even have some ties with Dr. Albert Marconi (Clancy Brown), a guy famous for the paranormal.

I don’t know why I am trying to explain the plot. It is very close to impossible. It also features Glynn Turman and Fabianne Therese.

Oh hey look, its Paul Giamatti smiling. He must be up to something sexy.

I feel like an asshole. I really do. What we have here, with John Dies At The End is one of the most bizarre, crazy, fucked up movies I have ever seen. It is a thrill ride, and there is really no way to predict anything that might happen during it. It will potentially confuse you, and not bother to explain things, just to make sure you are there for the experience and not hard hitting truths.

Yet, despite that, I just couldn’t get in to it.

Maybe because I was rushed when I was watching it, but to me, despite the great things you can say about it, I just didn’t love it in any measurable way.

And it really sucks to feel this way, because I really wanted to like the movie, on the name alone. I didn’t over hype it, I was just generally curious. The film is definitely not for everyone, and might be a bit better if you are also experiencing side effects, but for me, I just couldn’t jump on the fun wagon.

1 out of 4.

The Collection is the sequel to The Collector, a film I can’t say too many people saw. If you are too busy to read that review, it was decent. Guy goes into house to rob it, while another guy (The Collector), is setting up a giant booby trap filled house, to catch strays and torture people with. Bad place, bad time.

I liked the general idea of it, but thought it could have been less torture porn-esque. I am most excited that this film took three years to come out later. I kind of get pissed off at the horror franchises that want to release a movie every year (usually in October). This has the potential to keep up the thriller/survival aspects, with a big game of cat and mouse!

While also exponentially increasing the body count!

Set a few months after the first, we learn now that The Collector is actually a serial murderer, who will go to a place, kill a lot, and take one person at the end, thus the collecting aspect. Which is what happened at the end of the first film! Arkin (Josh Stewart) was captured, and fate left unknown. Unknown until he somehow managed to escape! Oh yes, when the Collector fucked up hundreds of people at a night club, Arkin escaped, but another girl, Elena (Emma Fitzpatrick) was taken in his place. Oh well, as long as he is free.

Just kidding. Turns out Elena is a rich girl, and her father (Christopher McDonald) really wants her back. So he hired a team of mercenaries (including Lee Tergesen and Shannon Kane) to go and capture Arkin, to attempt to find The Collector’s lair, to get his daughter back at all costs.

His lair? Yep. So of course it will be more booby trapped than ever before, not to mention all his past collections might be around too. Did I mention higher body count?

Gets captured, escapes, gets capture. How much does it suck to be that guy?

In a sentence, The Collection takes everything we loved about The Collector and poops on it. That is what I thought at least. We learn that this Collector fellow is a big deal and has been doing it for awhile. Seeing the amount of people in collection later in the film helps prove that point, but it is still an outrageous number for there not to be some national man hunt out for him. Seriously, especially if it is just one city, there would be door to door searches. But eh, most people assume they won’t get killed or collected (and tortured) I guess?

I will say I liked the ending. The post conclusion ending. I was worried it would end the same way as the first, big firey explosion, can’t find his body, oh no, and someone gets grabbed. No, we get a form of revenge and closure. Closure?! Yes, closure. There can’t possibly be another movie to follow up this one.

Either way, the lair itself I thought was just lame. I didn’t like the traps, the deaths, the plot, any of it. I might have given it a 0, if it wasn’t for the last 60 seconds.

Yep, a good ending is at least 25% of the grade! But the rest is skippable. What a bad horror movie.

1 out of 4.

An Evil Dead remake is something that has been talked about for a long time. Heck, theoretically, Evil Dead 2 was a remake of The Evil Dead, in a way. Continuity and all be damned! But everyone knew this was going to happen for the last decade, and like everything kind of involving Sam Raimi, it took its sweet time.

After all, he has mentioned remaking it himself. Or adding a sequel. Or making a movie off the musical (which is fantastic). Just nothing happened with any of that, until now. But this isn’t Raimi’s film, this is someone elses. Can they do what he hoped to accomplish with the first Evil Dead, with a higher budget?

With some more “real actors” too, instead of just his college buddies?

Oh hey look, the movie begins before the actual plot. That is nice. Get your sacrifices on yo.

Much later, we have a cabin in the woods with a work shed. Mmm, work sheds. We have Mia (Jane Levy), out of Michigan St, with her friends, a nurse Olivia (Jessica Lucas), and high school teacher Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci). But they are waiting for her brother, David (Shiloh Fernandez) to get there. That asshat is late. Eventually he shows up with his girlfriend Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore) and they are ready to start their stay in the family cabin!

But why? It’s old and decrepit. It also smells bad. Well it turns out that Mia is there with her friends and family for one main reason. To quit using hard drugs cold turkey. No matter what, they can’t let her leave, no matter how much she begs and pleads, and makes up excuses. I think you know where this is going.

It turns out the unbearable smell is coming from the basement, which is full of dead animals, burn marks, and a book wrapped up in barb wire and trash bags.

Then you know. Shit goes down.

Including everyone’s favorite Evil Dead cliche, tree rape!

Hey! Do you like blood and gore and outrageous scenes of decapitation and demonized people? Well, hopefully you do, since you are thinking about watching an Evil Dead movie. I think this film has everything that the first film wanted to do, which is great, because it was the goal and all. There is some sick fucking shit in this movie, and I definitely felt uneasy, but hey, that’s the point of this movie.

I love that there is little to no CGI in this movie, and that all the effects are done with make-up work and prosthetics. It makes it feel more real, and thus more gross.

Certain staples in the first and second Evil Dead made it into this film too, but they were not used the same way. I loved that the film was able to keep me guessing as to how all the events would go down. Hell, even the trailer did a good job of not spoiling everything, although it did feature scenes that did not make it into the movie. Probably a good thing in my eyes. They might be in the unrated version of the film, aka the version that originally was given an NC-17. Yikes.

Right now the current rumor for the future of this franchise is between two ideas. This current updated version is probably in the same universe as the beloved 80s version, and will either have a sequel or be a trilogy. If it is just a sequel, there is rumors that there will be an Army of Darkness 2 starring Bruce Campbell, then a 7th movie overall connecting the survivors of this franchise with Bruce in a final final film. I personally doubt we see an Army Of Darkness 2 (see earlier comments on Sam Raimi), so I think they will do the trilogy route then have the 7th connecting film. But hey, we will see. They could make surprise me and make me as giddy as a school girl.

Did I mention this scared the piss out of me?

Don’t forget to watch the entire credits!

3 out of 4.

Again, with the random Redbox rentals, I usually try to find something that might give me a good review. Shitty movies can lead to great reviews, so picking things I’ve never heard of can be amazing. That is what happened with 1313 Cougar Cult. But with The Loved Ones, it looked like a random prom based horror. Could be hilarious accidentally. Not to mention it is foreign. Australia? Heck yes.

I mean, she is cute I guess. Kind of creepy with the power tool.

Prom is a wonderful time for everyone, except maybe those who don’t get dates. Take Lola (Robin McLeavy), she is a nice girl, but a bit lonely. She tries to ask out Brent (Xavier Samuel), but he turns her down. Not for any malicious reason, but because he has a girlfriend Holly (Victoria Thaine). Makes sense, no harm no fowl.

Well, unless you are Lola. She isn’t a fan of that. When Brent is on a self hike in Australia, he finds himself knocked out, and yes, awakening in a house, tied to a chair. Oh joy! Oh hey, he is in a tuxedo now, and Lola is there, in a dress. What in the hell?

Looks like he is indeed going to prom with Lola, and her crazy family, but prom is now going to be inside. Her dad (John Brumpton) is there to help with the festivities, and grandma to be all weirdly lobotomized and awkward. Can Brent escape from the date from hell, before he get tortured to death in this hell house?

It is important to note that not everyone has a bad prom night. His good friend Jamie (Richard Wilson) asks out a hot goth chick Mia (Jessica McNamee) and has the time of his life. She has a missing brother too. Interesting indeed.

This is what you get for not cheating on your long term serious girlfriend.

I know what you are thinking. This film is stupid. Well, thankfully I am here to tell you that it is much better than the plot makes it see.

It is kind of a torture porn, featuring one guy, but some serious fucked shit ends up happening, including that power drill, and a few attempts at escape. But really it is an interesting and kind of unique stuff happens. The ending basically blew my mind, when the secrets of the family and her past issues came to fruition.

But it is also easy to feel uncomfortable during this movie. Lot of screaming, and slow pain. The best pain? Not sure.

I wouldn’t call this a scary horror, jut uncomfortable. But there are also some comedic elements thrown in to break the tension at important points. I will put this under the win column for random foreign Red Box films.

3 out of 4.

It looks like The Last Exorcism went the route of Blair Witch Project. Let me explain.

Blair Witch Project of course redefined horror, viral marketing, and basically introduced us to the found footage genre of film. The Last Exorcism didn’t do any of that, it was just another documentary based film. However (even if you never realized it), Blair Witch Project had a sequel, the Book Of Shadows and it was a “normal film” without the shaky cam feature.

Basically, this was a long winded way of saying that The Last Exorcism Part II also has switched filming techniques to the more standard technique. Just because “Book Of Shadows” was basically shunned and forgotten about with time, doesn’t mean that TLEp2 will also be shitty.

Oh fuck me. What the hell is this poster?

This takes place hours after the first film, with Nell (Ashley Bell) being pretty dang freaky and possessed, running around other peoples homes. Don’t worry, they fix her up real nice. She gets sent off to a group home for troubled girls, after a nice psychological breakdown and she is fixed into realizing that possessions aren’t real and no one is out to get her.

Just kidding.

In fact, now that she is in the heart of New Orleans, everything is a lot weirder, especially when she starts seeing visions of her dad and other villagers, including nightmares of her past acts. But she wants to be normal! Not the crazy girl from the cult! She wants a boyfriend (Spencer Treat Clark), real friends (Julia Garner), and not a demon trying to seduce her into a killing fire making machine!

Too bad fate is a bitch. David Jensen, who looks far too much like Edward James Olmos, plays the helpful group home caretaker, and tries to keep her on the path away from all this religious mumbo-jumbo.

I guess this is that new alternative massage and exorcism technique.

I apologize for the lack of detail in the plot description. Unfortunately, the first movie ends with a twist, and I don’t want to spoil that movie just to explain this one better! Who am I to give away one twist ending to help you figure out the sequel? This movie gives you a brief recap of the first movie events at the start, but does a pretty poor job of it.

When you compare part II to part I, part II is just a mess. Gone is any sort of subtlety, as from beginning to the end, it is entirely full of jump scares and hallucinations. In fact, a scene in the first film where Nell jumps at the camera and screams (a literal jump scare) is spliced into this film at least four times, thanks to Nell’s nightmares. It is weird that in her dreams she is imagining herself wild from someone else’s point of view, yeah?

This movie was so bad that by the end, I thought they were going to actually forget to include an exorcism. The exorcism in question was extremely different than your average movie exorcism, so there is a unique plus.  Unfortunately, most of the film is based on the plot from the last 10 minutes of the previous film, which in itself was confusing and left you with questions. Did this film answer the questions? Not at all! They basically ignored them and brought up even more confusing plot lines.

While the end of part I was rushed and confusing, the ending of this film is actually laughable and definitely bad. It almost felt Carrie-esque, but with no sense of fear involved. I was shaking my head the entire last few minutes, ready to get out of this mess of a film.

1 out of 4.

“Oh no, not another exorcism movie!”

“Oh no, not another hand held movie!”

Are those complaints out of the way? Good. Time to ignore them for The Last Exorcism.

“Hey look, a priest and a girl. This is like all the othe-” “WE KNOW!”

Cotton (Patrick Fabian) is not your average evangelical preacher. He likes to have fun! He can get a congregation going lickity split, and praise Jesus like its his job. Because it is his job. His dad was a preacher, and he has been doing sermons since he was young. Heck, it is all he knows how to do. But he might be undergoing a crisis of faith. He doesn’t like doing it anymore, he doesn’t believe. He has been faking the exorcism thing for years; he isn’t a bad person, he is just giving a service that people request. But after the birth of his son, and some issues there, he now feels bad taking advantage of people.

Thus we have this movie. He is going to do one more exorcism, with a film crew, to help prove how phony it all is. Silly Cotton, you are about to get fucked.

But when he gets to New Orleans, home of a pretty intense blend of spirituality and culture, he finds out he needs to read his own fine print. Nell (Ashley Bell) is apparently possessed, but he hates exorcising children. Thinks it is a kind of abuse. But the father (Louis Hertham) insists. Strange family. After the wife died, started to home school his daughter, eventually keeping her locked up the whole time, but not his son of course (Caleb Landry Jones).

Well, all of her problems could be psychological. Could be abuse from the dad causing it. Or any number of things that I won’t mention. Who is winning this fight: Jesus, or science? Iris Bahr plays one of the film crew.

The chiropractor might be the real winner here.

Hey hey hey, this movie might not be all too bad. It isn’t just a simple exorcism story. Creepy girl, being creepy, with people dying. No, this plot might have layers. Layers, everyone! I love layers.

The idea that possessions are complicated, and surely there could just be people not all that right in the head.

Well, the ending I hated. Kind of came out of nowhere, didnt make any sense (from out point of view) and had some pretty dumb events going on.

But there are more problems. Documentary style movie is fine. But the fact that the cameraman was a character there that was never actually on camera, or spoke, or anything, is pretty spooky. When crazy shit is happening, he doesn’t scream, but he may run away. I think they forgot that they made him a character and pretended he didn’t exist.

I do think the buildup of this movie was pretty decent. Not a typical horror, having thriller elements throughout just to make seemingly average situations pretty unnerving. But a lame ending, that we now know lead to a sequel? Well, you just went average.

2 out of 4.

Dark Skies might have one of the worst trailers I have ever seen, this year and every year. Besides giving away far too much, it looks like a parody of itself. We have a kid who talks funny doing a growl about a sandman, some events that are set up to show potential child abuse, and the “oh face”. Oh my goodness that oh face. Not to mention the look of shock that follows the “oh face.” It has to be a joke, right?

I mean…right?

He has to be faking this whole thing. Come on guys. Right? Come on! Lacy (Keri Russell) and Daniel (Josh Hamilton) are a married couple on the top of the world! Or the opposite of that. Daniel lost his job (that darn economy and all!), and Lacy isn’t doing that great as a real estate agent. The bills are piling up, and now someone keeps breaking into their house and messing up their kitchen. For example, they are stacking all their boxes in elaborate shapes and taking all the pictures from their frames. Alright, I guess that is kind of weird.

If you saw the trailer, how many children do you think they have? I know I just thought it was one, but there is an older son as well! Jesse (Dakota Goyo) is the kid you just found out about, and Sam (Kadan Rockett) is the little brother growling in the trailer. They, too, are experiencing weird things. Strange dreams/drawlings, having street lights go out on them, or even seizures. This all can’t just be a coincidence!

No coincidience, just aliens fucking with them. That definitely explains it better. Heck, they even found a paranormal expert (J.K. Simmons) who knows all about these aliens, who confirms their suspicions. They found him on the internet too, so he must be legitimate.  But can the family still escape this long abduction/testing plan, or is it too late for any of them?

“Watch out bitch! It’s right behind you! Turn around!” – Me in the theaterWell, the initial thought I had after the fact is that the trailer is a bad representation of the movie. Every single ridiculous scene is way better in the actual movie, meaning the trailer just spliced them badly. For shame trailer, for shame.

Dark Skies takes its time to set up the events, perhaps a bit too slow. The beginning of the movie dragged on at a crawl, and I wanted to leave because of that. The youngest kid actor was bad as well, but I guess because he is a kid that is okay?

Despite this, the film did eventually get better. The aliens showed up on actual camera a lot earlier in the film than I would have guessed. The ending is what really sold the film. Instead of the horror feel, it turned into a last stand type situation as the family prepped for the aliens to come and get their abducting on. The last 10 minutes involved scenes that can only be described as some sort of acid trip, and hey, they were a bit scary as well!

Overall the “horror” of the movie was really light, mostly some jump scares and kids doing weird things. Nothing to write home about. The actual last 30 seconds of the film are a bit disappointing, but I do think overall Dark Skies has something to offer to the film watcher, especially if you look at is as a thriller. You just have to wade through a lot of crap to get there.

2 out of 4.

I remember seeing the cover for The Collector when I worked at a Blockbuster and thinking I would never touch it with a 10 ft pole. But then something else happened. I saw a trailer for The Collection, thought it seemed familiar, and thought it looked interesting, if not a bloody mess. Well, turns out it is a sequel to The Collector (shocking, I know). Too bad local theaters never got the sequel to show, so I am stuck waiting for the dvd release, which also means plenty of time to watch the original.

Which is now.

Hooray!

Well I guess that is a unique look for a bad guy. I guess.

Arkin (Josh Stewart) is a crook. He has crook friends too, but not a crook family. He just needs money to help them get by and survive! So he hears about this house that the family has left for vacation, and they got a pretty good jewel in their safe. He takes the one last job, steals the gem, makes bank, and boom, he can stop being a crook.

But who would have thought that this Collector (Juan Fernandez) would have turned it into his own house of horrors at the same time? Go figure. So a quick in and out thievery turns into a locked in the house, try to escape, avoid the plethora of traps and other currently being tortured individuals. Hooray! You know, while he is also actively looking for anyone who might have come to fuck up his strange torture plans.

Here are some other people I’ve seen before in this movie, Madeline Zima, Andrea Roth, and Michael Reilly Burke.

I won’t even do a dramatic question thing to end this plot, its pretty simple.

I was going to make a joke about his character from No Ordinary Family, but given its ratings, I know no one would get it.

But pretty simple can be a good thing. The beginning of The Collector was a little bit slow, but I think the build up was worth it. The traps seemed intelligent and well put together, no crazy Rube Goldberg contraption. We just have a stranger entering these traps when he is already set up and torturing some house people, that is all.

The traps however felt inconsistent. I am surprised his initial trip into the house / to the safe upstairs he found himself trap free, but after that, was surrounded by them in literally every room. Like they magically appeared. Really that is my biggest problem with the movie. Inconsistencies with traps. I know the Collector wasn’t just placing them still, maybe just a few resets. The Collector also had no problem running around the house avoiding his stuff. The ‘bear trap’ trap just came out of no where, despite the floor being covered with them.

There is some “torture porn” in here, but not much. Most of it is based on the trap aspect and a guy in the wrong place at the wrong time. I did like that The Collector never said anything, had a mask on, yet still conveyed enough personality without going into a long and dumb back story. What I don’t understand is how (from the ending), the sequel makes any sense.

2 out of 4.

Warm Bodies, Warm Bodies.

Unfortunately, due to hearing that title said twice in a row, I really can’t stop doing it. It adds effect. It makes it creepy. I like creepy.

I kind of hate zombie based fan ficiton. More specifically, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is a terrible book, seriously read it. It is P&P with another guy throwing in some zombie fight scenes and changing some words. But his writing style is so different than Jane Austin’s style that it is painfully obvious. But that was Zombies and Romance. How about Zombies WITH Romance?

You see the whole thing is a metaphor. A metaphor, for uhh, to be emo is to be dead.

R (Nicholas Hoult) is a zombie. Not much to talk else to mention about his life, he is a damn zombie. He doesn’t remember his old life, or his old name or anything. He has a “Friend” in M (Rob Corddry), but that means they sometimes go out on hunts together for food and grunt some.

On one of those faithful hunting missions, they run into a group of survivors looking for meds. That is where he meets Julie (Teresa Palmer). But something is different, something has changed. He doesn’t want to eat her body. Well, not in the traditional sense.

Could this be love? Necrophiliac love? Analeigh Tipton plays her best friend, Dave Franco her boyfriend, and John Malkovich her dad.

This is also a metaphor. A metaphor, for uhh, war. War is bad.

From what I can tell, the movie has differences from the book, but the author of the book is fine with it. He saw the movie and likes it, so I definitely won’t judge the two apart (not that I ever do that anyways). But I can say that after watching the movie, I want to read the book. Already ordered it online, can’t wait. The only other movie that I did that with was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Which, I might add, I liked the book as well and there were differences.

I thought the intro the movie was pretty dang hilarious. It begins with a nice monologue from R, as he shuffles about his normal zombie life, and we learn the ins and outs of his mind and actions. It just felt brilliant.

Rob Corddry stole the show with his zombie, but he was given the funnier lines, because he wasn’t currently in love with a living woman.

The movie has obvious references to a famous love story, which I figured out halfway through. I am glad they kept it somewhat subtle, I was afraid they would smash it over your head at the end, but thankfully they didn’t.

Shit, the only thing I really disliked would be that the change happening the zombies could have been more gradual and obvious. For R, it was slow and the signs of him getting better were clear, but for the rest of the zombies it felt rushed.

Fuck it. I loved this movie. Here is a high ass rating.

4 out of 4.