Tag: Giovanni Ribisi

I wouldn’t say I am the best cook. Nor am I the best individual to make sure everything in my fridge stays fresh until it is used. We have thrown out plenty of leftovers, and vegetables, who never had a chance to shine. (Because vegetables suck!)

What I am trying to get at is I understand when food gets bad, and it does right before I want to use it.

As for people, I don’t know when people get bad, but Breaking Bad tried to examine that. The Bad Batch is both about bad people, and about bad food. I think you can understand what I am talking about with that.

Stop staring at her winking ass, I am talking about eating people NOT…the other thing.

In the future, The United States sucks a bit more than normal, and there is a section of Texas they have decided to just cut out from the rest of the country. Texas. It makes sense. Beyond those gates is a desert wasteland, claimed by no country, so the people who inhabit it have no rights or laws. This is a prison. People from the US are sent here and called The Bad Batch. They are the freaks and unwanted members of society, or those who cannot fit in. And they are sent to the wasteland to die or thrive, they don’t care, they just need them gone.

And when Arlen (Suki Waterhouse), Bad Batch #5040, is dropped off, she finds herself lost, confused, and immediately captured by a group of cannibals. Now don’t worry, she is able to escape this muscle clad community back into the desert, but not before losing her right hand and right foot.

Thankfully a lone wanderer finds her and dumps her off at a community called Comfort, where she is able to get back on her feet, well, foot, to try and make ends meat of this new society she has been thrust into. And what she wants is revenge.

She apparently goes into the wasteland with a gun, searching for crows for food, and hoping to find someone from that community to kill. But this time she finds a little girl (Jayda Fink), born in the wasteland, forced to live as a cannibal. And now Arlen’s life will really begin to change.

Starring Jason Mamoa as the Miami Man, Keanu Reeves as The Dream, Giovanni Ribisi as The Screamer, Yolonda Ross, Diego Luna, and Jim Carrey as a Hermit.

Don’t worry, it is hard to tell even without the glasses that this is Jim Fucking Carrey. I didn’t know until the credits.

When The Bad Batch exceeds at a mark, it exceeds at a very high level. In terms of world building, it created a post apocalyptic society without having to make an actual apocalypse occur, which is pretty awesome. It goes fully into creating a believable enough atmosphere for the characters to live, thrive, and interact with. It only had a few communities in the film, so it isn’t as expansive as something like Fallout, but it gets the job done for a feature film.

The other thing this film excels at is its cinematography. Barren wastelands hardly are sexy to look at, and it is still true with this movie. But the camera work gives an addition to the characters isolation and thirst, by forcing it on the audience. The colors in Comfort are also vibrant at night to explain their drug fueled, care free attitude towards life. It is a visual spectacle.

The Bad Batch does have some issues with pacing. Despite a rough plot being given, it was really hard to figure out at times just where the movie was headed. It was unpredictable with character actions, so it wasn’t obvious just what the hell was the point. It also dragged heavily in the middle.

A lot of people are likely to be upset at the ending as well, including me. Based on the plot, I couldn’t tell where it was heading of course, but still found myself left down based on where it ended up.

If anything The Bad Batch is a visual spectacle (and not in the CGI infused version of that word), with an amazing world and some weird shit going down. But it is easy to get a little bit bored and have your mind wander off at points.

Results, aka one of he many films I would have never known to exist if not for the Spirit Awards.

Except unlike a lot of Spirit Award films, I was actually a bit excited to watch this one. I knew the main members of the cast! Hooray for familiarity! New things scare me.

It was also filmed in Austin, Texas, which I learned. This boring intro brought to you by the vast expanse of Texas, nothingness.

This is basically the only picture that exists for this film.

Power 4 Life is your average small gym in a large city. They have a staff of energetic fitness people, teaching classes and being all personal and trainer-y. It is run by Trevor (Guy Pearce), who is Australian or New Zealander. He has big dreams of one day expanding the business and having a bigger studio.

His best physical trainer is Kat (Cobie Smulders), who always gets those results and is only a bitch to low-lifes who don’t pay. Because she needs more money and needs more clients. Also sometimes Kat and Trevor have sex.

Trevor is reluctant to give Kat a new client, a weird rich dude named Danny (Kevin Corrigan), because he is…well weird. He just throws his money away, going through some shit, so he wants to look better.

Sure enough, he gets weird about it all, and Kat doesn’t really help the case, but he falls in love with her. Strangely enough, this issue only takes us really early through the film. It goes a lot of places, but it is all tied to the strange relationship between Trevor and Kat.

Also Giovanni Ribisi is a lawyer in this movie. Woo lawyers.

The first time anyone has ever written “Woo lawyers” I bet.

Results is like a true indie movie. Sure it has some stars, but it like three genres. Not a full comedy. Not a full drama. Not a full romance. And it is hard to describe without saying everything that happens.

Unfortunately, the movie goes at a slower pace than most people would expect. There are some great scenes that I love. A great dinner scene. Some twists. Some weird shit. But the time in between them is not to be desired.

The film isn’t even overly long. A respectable 1:45, but I can imagine it getting to the point that much quicker. If it was an easy film to watch, it wouldn’t be an indie I guess.

Pearce was good in this movie, although it could have just been me getting lost in his accent and enthusiasm. Smulders didn’t deliver on the emotional scale, she seemed to be pretty stoic outside of one scene. Corrigan has never looked worse, appearance wise, but I guess that was the point.

An okay romance, a shitty drama, and an okay comedy.

Seth MacFarlane is not my favorite person. And I didn’t even think his Oscars were that bad. I just think his movies have been pretty sub par as of late. In A Million Ways To Die In The West basically every joke fell flat for me.

And then of course there was Ted. Sure, there was some amusing original material in there. But as I watched it (in theaters), I couldn’t believe how date it had already felt. The humor was almost 100% focused on current pop culture trends. They had a few 80’s pop culture jokes thrown in to balance it out, but it was way too current. I knew most of the things I found amusing I wouldn’t bat an eye at in five or six years anymore.

Needless to say, I was pretty dang worried about Ted 2. Would it just be more of the same of Ted? Yeah probably. I don’t need 90 minutes of shitty pop culture in my life.

But if it was entirely about stealing Tom Brady‘s semen, then we might have something here.

Ted 2 takes place some time after the original. The main difference is that John (Mark Wahlberg) is divorced, probably because Mila Kunis didn’t want to be in another of these movies. Now he is basically afraid of commitment to anyone. Ted (MacFarlane) is still married to Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth), but their relationship is strained. They might even get a divorce. So they decide to do the time honored tradition of having a kid to save their marriage.

Ted has no penis, so sex wouldn’t work. They work on sperm donations, but that fails too. So they decide to adopt. But the problem is, Ted cannot do it because apparently he isn’t classified as a person and doesn’t have person rights. This changes everything for Ted. Now he loses his job, his marriage is now nulled and can’t legally do most things! He is just an object! Oh no!

So, in a nut shell, that is the point of this film. He wants to fight the ruling in court, so he can get his life back. That is why they have a lawyer (Amanda Seyfried) who is chill and likes to smoke pot, hooray! At the same time, Donny (Giovanni Ribisi) is helping Hasbro fight Ted in court. If it is ruled he is an object, they can take him back, find out what makes him magical, and make Ted’s for everyone around the world. Weeeee.

Also! Morgan Freeman, Sam J. Jones, Patrick Warburton, John Slattery, and John Carroll Lynch.

The good news is that Ted 2 relied on less pop culture references to get by this time. Outside of quite a few recent Patriots references.

The bad is that the plot is kind of shit and not worth watching. Let me clarify, the plot idea isn’t a bad one. It could make a good court room comedy film. But they only vaguely focus on that. There are barely any scenes in the court room, really only two major ones at the beginning and end. The first court room scene only takes a handful of minutes, but the film would rather Ted and John just sit on a couch and tell jokes.

Ted 2 as a result just doesn’t have a lot to offer as a film. In recollection, I am having a hard time trying to remember any moment I found really funny. I was completely chuckleless. The writer only had a rough idea for the plot and maybe a couple jokes, but I assume the majority of these scenes were thought of independently of having a real place to put them. So in a way, Ted 2 was a lot like a Family Guy episode.

There isn’t a lot to say. Ted 2 just isn’t good. Not as bad as AMWTDITW, but not as good as its mediocre first film.

Buy It! – This movie is available now on {Blu-Ray} and {DVD}.

Hyping up these things is getting hard. But mostly because the next few are pretty meh, until I hit 1500.

What? Yes, what I am saying is welcome to my 1300th review, bitches. Time for a Milestone Review.

I think I have the next few figured out too. I am continuing with my theme of mid-2000s movies that I heard were terrible, never saw before, and want to give them a chance.

I remember seeing trailers for Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Even my 10-12 year ago self thought the film looked too CGI and weird. But now it is a decade later. Maybe it was one of those films ahead of its time, like Speed Racer?

Or, maybe it is just terribad and perfect for the mid 2000’s.

One man’s CGI fest explosion is another mans CGI fest explosion.

Alternative history. And not just a history where I watched this movie 11 years ago. I’m talkin’ 1930’s. I don’t know the exact differences, but technology is a lot better in this timeline. We got Zeppelins. We got scientists. We got shenanigans.

Specifically, some famous scientists are disappearing and and no one knows why. Also not a lot of people care. So there is that. Some dude disappears at the start of the film even!

It’s amazing they could land (perch? float next to?) so well in that weather (snow storm? smog gas? volcano explosion?).

Wait, one person might care! Polly Perkins (Gwyneth Paltrow) who is playing another character with the initials PP. She is a journalist and she just so happens to be looking into the missing scientists! Crazy! She is the one who cares.

She gets a secret message to meet up for information on who the next scientist to go missing will be. After heading out, she is surprised to find Dr. Walter Jennings (Trevor Baxter)! Some Dr. Totenkopf is getting all of the scientists, and Walter thinks he is next because he is the last of the group who worked on a secret project. SUDDENLY! GIANT ROBOTS ATTACK THE CITY.

Marching two by two, just like Moses said they would.

The robots seem to be indestructible. I don’t think they are technically attacking, they are more just walking the streets and looking like an army. The police collectively shrug and realize they can’t win, so they call on “Sky Captain,” a dude who owns his own private air force in New York called the Flying Legion. The Sky Captain is just Joe Sullivan (Jude Law). He is able to take out one of the robots using a bomb and making it fall down. I guess that is good enough for them.

The rest of the robots GTFO of town, back to outer space or who knows what. Joe saves Polly and takes the broken robot back to his base. Turns out Joe and Polly have a past together. They used to date, but Joe blames Polly for interfering too much and almost getting him killed. But she has information, so she can tag a long for now.

The Flying Legion head of science expert (Giovanni Ribisi) starts looking into the robot, while Joe and Polly go to investigate Dr. Jennings again!

If you came here for this like everyone else, then I have some disappointing news.

So, Jennings is almost dead. Damn. Too late. But before he croaks, he gives Polly two vials. Very secret these vials. They are apparently what Dr. Totenkopf is after. Joe don’t know ’bout the vials either, how sneaky. So that sucks, scientist is dead. Oh well, YOLO, back to the base, they find out science guy has found out secret information!

Oh no, the base is also now under attack, but by drone robots! But that means the scientist might not be able to tell us the news he found out! Yep, he gets taken during the defense. Oh noes!

Turns out he found out the origin of the robot control signal, so they know where to go to stop them. And it is on Earth! And hey, before he was taken he left them a map. Pretty sweet. So they head down to Tibet and the Himalayas!

What a relaxing plane ride!

Over in the mountains, Joe meets up with his old friend Kaji (Omid Djalili) and they all laugh and have good times. They get double crossed by some peeps, and almost blow up! Next thing they know, they are in Shangri-La. The evil doctor used monks to mine uranium. K. But the doctor is in another castle, so they have to go find him again.

And nowwwwwwww we finally get to meet Commander Franky Cook (Angelina Jolie), who commands her own Royal Navy flying force thing. They help Joe find the secret island of Dr. Totenkopf. Using submarine boats, they break in and find it inhabited with weird dinosaur like creatures. Shit, they also find robots hoarding animals into capsules. Two by two, a whole lot of different species.

Oh shit, they are going to Noah the Earth!

Did you guys notice me say Moses earlier?

Looks like the evil Dr. wants to reset the world. He is loading all the animals into a rocket. The rocket will blast off, blow up a lot of the world, then eventually return and repopulate. The World Of Tomorrow. In case you are wondering about the vials, as you should be, they actually contain the “perfect human” DNA. A new Adam and Eve.

So does that mean the doctor wants to kill himself? Not at all. He died twenty years ago. OHHHH SNAP.

That’s right. But the robots he made have been continuing with the plan, doing shenanigans, killing people, and all that jazz. Fucking robots.

Look at them. Always fucking shit up.

Needless to say, our heroes get stuck on the rocket going up into outer space. Full of animals, angry robots, and dead scientists. Oh no!

So Joe figures, hey, he is a captain of the SKIES. He should save everyone and blow up the rocket alone on the ship. Well, Polly doesn’t listen. Again. They free all the animals and also fuck up the ship. Thankfully, there is just one escape pod left.

And do they reach it? Do they?

Not if Zordon’s son has anything to say about it.

Mannnnnn. I can’t believe this movie got so many great reviews.

SCatWoT was one of the first movies ever to use CGI like this. To give us an old timey, futuristic, retro feel. Everything was intentionally done with a specific style in mind. And that style could have not felt more boring to me.

Fuck. This movie dragged on. First of all, it was only rated PG. So the action was only PG levels of exciting. This probably a false complaint.

The real issue is they were going for this super old feel. Maybe specifically a 60s/70s sci-fi b-movie feel. But it was incredibly dull the entire time. I just wanted it to end. Paltrow was down right terrible in this movie. I don’t know if it was her or the director, but there was close to zero emotion the entire film.

Angelina Jolie is obviously barely in this movie, despite most of the advertisements featuring her and her eye patch. I really assumed she was the sky captain.

BUT IT WAS JUST SO SLOW. Which obviously is my main complaint. The entire movie just felt brown and grey, very unexciting colors. I was hoping with that much CGI it would be a bit flashier and exciting, especially on Blu-Ray. But no. Slow. Dreadfully boring. And fuck, this is one of the worst movies I have had to review for a milestone review.

Which is the issue here. I found it hard to be funny, because I had to type out the whole plot outline, and found it a struggle just to remember what in the fuck happened.

I dunno if anyone ever watched this movie. But re-watch it. If you liked it, let me know why. If you still like it and can ignore nostalgia, I just. Just help me out here.

I’ll be honest, when I first heard of the movie Selma, I had no idea what it was about.

When I found out it was a pseudo-biographical film about a moment in MLK’s life? I assumed Selma was his wife.

Nopers, I was way wrong. Selma is actually a city in Alabama! Yeah, who knew? Not only that, but it was a huge staging ground for civil rights in the mid 1960s, and it had nothing to do with sit-ins, busses, or fire hoses. That is pretty exciting on my part, because that means I will actually learn something new instead of the same few tales they teach us about in school. As it deals with race relations, it will probably end up being topical too in some way.

Not sure how, but I am sure someway it could be topical. Hmmmm.

Martin (David Oyelowo) (We are on cool enough terms for me to just use his first name) had just received his Nobel Peace Prize in 1964, but he wasn’t done yet. This was after his I Have A Dream speech. There was a big issue with Jim Crow laws in the south. Sure, technically, everyone now had the right to vote. But people were getting in the way of that.

Poll taxes, literacy tests, inconvenient hours, and rude as shit clerks made things like that hard. Not to mention the general threat of violence for those who might attempt if they were black. Martin wanted LBJ (Tom Wilkinson) to make fixing this issue a priority, but LBJ wouldn’t have it. He had other issues like poverty he wanted to work on. So Martin and his comrades (Common, Andre Holland, Wendell Pierce and more!) found the staging grounds for their next battle in Selma, Alabama.

A student group (Stephan James, Trai Byers) was already working there, building up community support, and of all the registered votes, only 1% were black despite about equal numbers. It was a great battleground. Even had a super racist sheriff (Stan Houston)! Martin just also has family issues with his wife (Carmen Ejogo) while all this is going down, so, pretty intense stuff.

Oh and a whole lot of people are in here as smaller or villainous roles as cameos. We have Tim Roth, Giovanni Ribisi, Cuba Gooding Jr., Martin Sheen, Dylan Baker, and Oprah Winfrey.

People walked a lot more back then, just a matter of fact.

Thinking back on it, I don’t think I have ever seen a high quality film about MLK and his life. He has appeared in other movies I have seen, like Nelsan Ellis last year in The Butler. But filmmakers seem to be afraid of his life, despite clearly being a popular figure. I wonder if people are afraid of doing him badly and not living up to his larger than life persona?

Well, if they were afraid in this movie they shouldn’t be. David Oyelowo did an INCREDIBLE performance. His walk, his talk, his power, he had it all. His looks weren’t perfect, but man were they believable. And when he did his speeches or sermons in this movie? Yeah, his voice carried it hardcore, and not in the same stereotypical way people normally do Martin’s voice. It had its own uniqueness and similarity that made it seem just as awe inspiring and just as real. Shit, the final speech he gave? I was almost certain it was an actual recording instead of Oyelowo, but I was wrong. It almost made me tear up.

My only issues with the film is that despite its superduper lead, the supporting cast didn’t seem to catch up with him. I think this is the worst ever portrayal of J. Edgar I have ever seen. Out of no where it all seemed more comical instead of serious. Roth was awkward as the evil Governor and he also felt quite cartoonish. I couldn’t take these guys seriously, limiting the seriousness of the film.

I learned a shit ton about the subject though and it is an incredible story, even if certain aspects are fabricated. A very nice watch to learn about a very overlooked yet important event in American history. And damn Oyelowo. You good, you good.

Hey boys and girls! Did you like Ted? Well, then you might like the next movie, A Million Ways To Die In The West!

That is what advertisements told me at least. But I only thought Ted was okay. Was entirely pop culture based humor, so it was a movie that won’t be as amusing in a few years because nothing will be relevant. Although it had a decent plot and Marky Mark, so that is fun.

But now we are going out west, back in time, and director Seth MacFarlane is actually going to star in it. Hopefully it is more than just a few dude’s hangin’ out.

Damn it, this looks like two dudes just hangin’ out!

Set in the 1800’s in Arizona, near Monument Valley (like every other western), lives our hero Albert (MacFarlane), a sheep farmer and a pussy. He doesn’t like to shoot a gun, because he never has, and thus he is bad at it. But somehow he keeps getting himself into shoot outs.

Albert starts to hate himself after his long term girlfriend, Louise (Amanda Seyfried) dumps him. Now he hates life. He also is a cynic, pointing out all the things that can kill him in the west. Thus the movie title. He does all this until Anna (Charlize Theron) walks into his life. Just kidding, he continues his moping ways, but now there is this mysterious woman who can shoot better than any he knows. Maybe she can change his life and stop him from getting into gun fights.

Just kidding. He does some stuff, getting him into fights with Foy (Neil Patrick Harris), the owner of the Mustacherie, and Clinch (Liam Neeson), an outlaw and the fastest hands in the West. Oh Albert, you are so silly.

Also starring Giovanni Ribisi, as his best friend, dating a whore Sarah Silverman.

“Huh? Why would Neil Patrick Harris every run a mustache store?” – GorgView Hate Commenter

I think I would rather watch Ted in four years than see A Million Ways To Die In The West.

The humor is very Seth MacFarlane, I will give it that. You can go in expecting that, and if you enjoy that enough, you will maybe have a good time. Maybe.

To me, this comedy had huge stretches of time without a joke. Trying to maintain some western tropes, there were scenes of traveling and just looking at the scenery. But that wasn’t the downtime. Literally just long periods of the movie moving on without very many jokes. It doesn’t help that quite a few of the jokes were in the trailer, most of which giving the entire set up and punchline so none of it was left to surprise. I am most disappointed in even the TV ads giving away one 1980’s related scene, which would have been amazing if kept secret.

Not that surprise is needed for comedies, no. A good comedy can keep you laughing through many viewings. The humor that was present just for the most part wasn’t for me.

There were some okay moments. I really liked the mustache song. Sarah Silverman ended up making me chuckle on more than one occasion. So I guess I thought the small side plot was more amusing than most of the film. That happens some times.

TL;DR, for the most part, A Million Ways To Die In The West just felt like 2 hours of boredom, with an occasional chuckle. Having the main character be a relatively modern man felt a bit half-assed. And I didn’t even get into how much of a unlikable character he was. Mr. Mopey. Ever have a friend who complains about everything, as if the experiences are unique to them? Yeah…

Not going to lie. When I first saw the trailer for Gangster Squad, I thought it might be interesting. But I was worried based on the dialogue given it might all be cheesy. But I do love vigilantism. Especially real vigilantism. But above all of that, the thing I liked most was just the music featured in it. Made me all sorts of pumped up. But I learned long ago that if I hear a song in a movie trailer, it most definitely won’t be in the movie.

Bitches, yo.

It is amazing that he picked such a diverse group of guys too. I had my money on all white all middle aged!

In the late 1940s, the city of Los Angeles is under siege. Not by the Russians or Germans. Nope, by Mickey Cohen (Sean Penn). From New York, he is now the most powerful criminal in LA, having bought cops, judges, you name it. No one can touch him, not even the mobsters in Chicago. Not everyone is corrupt though. Once Chief Parker (Nick Nolte) sees that Sgt. John O’Mara (Josh Brolin) has brought down an illegal brothel by himself, he enlists him on a secret mission.

There is no way to get Mickey Cohen legally. Killing him wont do anything, someone will just take his place. No, he needs to leave his badge at home, recruit a team (or squad, if you will), take down his entire infrastructure, and sure, maybe kill a bunch of gangsters.

Fuck the law, do what is right!

Well, he gets a team of mostly cops, people who aren’t as worth being bought off who all have special skills. Conway (Giovanni Ribisi), an intelligence expert, Coleman (Anothony Mackie), who grew up on the streets and is one of the few who cares to fix them, Max (Robert Patrick), a fabled cop who has quick hands and can hit anything, and Navidad (Michael Pena), his Mexican partner who is willing to do anything.

Oh, and of course another detective Jerry Wooters (Ryan Gosling) who has a personal vendetta against Cohen, and not just because he is sexing up his current fling (Emma Stone).

Cohen is going to get those coppers, so hard they don’t even know it yet.

Whew. Well, if you watch the trailer, you are going to get exactly as it shows. The lines are unfortunately mostly cheesy. The “No Ma’am, I was just hopin’ to take you to bed.” Imagine a whole film of that.

I think the movie is a bit of a shame. A lot of great actors involved, but it felt a lot like a no emotion cartoon. I didn’t feel sad when they wanted me to, nothing really resonated. The chemistry is really what was missing here. Between everyone, but especially between Stone and Gosling, who had an unbelievable romance going on. We know they can do that too, since they were together in Crazy, Stupid, Love. So I guess it is a director issue?

Another reason it felt cartoony to me was the filter they used to film it. I don’t know what it was, but look at the second picture. It has a yellow/orange tint almost, but something about it just really turned me off from the whole movie.

The fact that this is based off of a true story seems like a farce as well. It might actually be that Mickey Cohen existed only, in which case, fuck your true story tag lines.

Action was okay, acting was mostly forgettable, except a few Sean Penn moments. It was weird seeing Giovanni Ribisi as a good guy finally, so I am glad he can not be type casted (so much) anymore.

Ted kind of came out of no where for me. I think I first heard about it a whole week before it came out to theaters. Weird huh? And honestly, it seemed like a kick ass idea. I was also willing to ignore the fact that it was a Seth MacFarlane movie, creator of Family Guy and most of the Fox Cartoons, and that the bear sounded identically to Peter Griffin.

Take it you dirty dirty register.

Young John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) had no friends as a kid growing up in Boston. But when he got a teddy bear, he was finally social. With a stuffed animal. But when he wished for him to be alive, his wish came true and he had a new BFF for ever and ever and ever. Ted (MacFarlane) got super famous initially, but then no one cared, and he was just a talking stuffed animal who grew up to be a nice slacker, like John, at 35 years old.

But hey, he has a girlfriend of four years, Lori (Mila Kunis), who really wants him to be something better than an Enterprise car worker. She kind of blames Ted for him still acting so childish, kind of wants him to move out. But if he does, can he actually grow up, or will he still just hang out with his buddy and get high all the time?

While their rocky relationship is going on, Lori also has to deal with her creepy boss (Joel McHale) who keeps hitting on her and Ted has to worry about a grown man (Giovanni Ribisi) who has been a fan of Ted for a long time and really wants to acquire him for his son, and his first long term white trash girlfriend Tammy-Lynn (Jessica Barth). John just has to deal with them.

Holy shit that plot is really simple. We also have Patrick Stewart as Narrator, and Norah Jones and Sam J. Jones (Flash Gordon) as themselves.

HOLY FUCK STAY AWAY FROM MARKY MARKS NOSE, YOU MIGHT GET SUCKED IN AND NEVER RETURN.

So this movie did make me laugh a bunch. Sometimes. Occasionally. Mostly through crude and drunk jokes though. As someone who considers themself a pop culture junkie (not Taratino levels or anything), I found a lot of their pop culture jokes falling flat. I mean, most of the current ones don’t have staying power. In the first 5 minutes there was a Justin Bieber and some other people joke. It didn’t feel forced or anything, the joke just felt really lazy. A lot of them were on par with the “Still a better love story than Twilight” joke, which is not only over used, but never really funny. Just people hating to hate.

So that was my biggest problem with the comedy. Similarly there was maybe a bit too much drama, and a bit too much of Marky Mark being a complete dumb ass. I don’t know if I will care about movie at all in a year. I did love the concept, of a talking bear who grew up and became a dick, but just felt like the writers didn’t try enough after that initial concept. Oh well. Moving on.

Two things I assumed from the tv ads for Contraband when I first saw them in January.

One: With Mark Wahlberg, how does this look like anything but The Italian Job 2?

Two: With a name like Contraband, why does it only remind me of something like Armored?

What’s that? I haven’t reviewed Armored yet? Then never mind. But still. The trailers made it look like some heist movie, similar to point 1. More so just a smuggling movie, and very little stealing going on.

That is real counterfeit money right there.

Mark Wahlberg doesn’t do crime anymore guys. He is clean. But…when his relative gets in some shit with a local thug, he has to do another run. Smuggling is a dangerous situation. If the US Customs office checks the items you have to dump it and usually the sides are okay. But this crazy asshole, Giovanni Ribisi, doesn’t play games like that. He wants the money or the cocaine within two weeks or else his family will pay. Marky Mark doesn’t like that when he is married to Kate Beckinsale, so he agrees to go get the money.

But first, he leaves his friend and former illegal trafficker buddy Ben Foster, to watch over his wife and family.

So he has to get a crew back together, and get on a ship to Panama, captained by germaphobe J.K. Simmons. They mess up some stuff to get themselves time, to try and transport counterfeit money. But thanks to a lack of trust at home and other shit going down, they also have to help another heist happen and possibly take on cocaine and some other merchandise too. But if the customs gets involved again, can they risk dumping the cargo a second time while their loved ones are at home alone?

Never trust a thug who also looks like a rapist.

Ben Fosters character may not be as buddy buddy as you had assumed. But I doubt you assumed that. Look at him. LOOK AT HIM. He is never a straight shooting guy. Not even in X-Men The Last Stand.

I overall found it decently entertaining. About halfway through it I thought I was almost done with the movie though, didn’t expect to have “That much more” “plot” left to it. Mostly a lot of deception. Normally bad people get killed, but in this movies case, they all pretty much get arrested in separate ways.

I don’t like how unrealistic certain things were, such as Kate’s character. She got hit in the head so damn often, and its like nothing phased her. Must have a plate there. I definitely thought certain characters should have been dead, but “somehow” they weren’t and just unconscious or some bullshit.

I will give props to Giovanni Ribisi. Normally thugs are all tough guy, smack you around. But he is small and weaselly, and gave a different element to his fear mongering. I enjoyed that part the most.

Gotta love watching movies you know nothing about, and being surprised. A feeling we here at Gorgon Reviews love to take away from the readers.

Alright, what I did know about this movie is that it stars Luke Wilson, and involves becoming mad wealthy by being a Middle Man of some way.

I cannot comment if any of this is true. But parts must be kind of factual, based off, well, logic. It says based off of true events, apparently one of the producers was in a similar situation earlier in his life? Not sure. Lets pretend it is all true though.

How do you pretend? You go to Imagination Land! Imaginationnnnnnnnnnn

The way they tell the story is very nifty, at the beginning it goes back and forth through a 10 or so year period. The story is of Luke Wilson, a guy who fixes problems, and two dudes who accidentally start a revolution, Giovanni Ribisi and Gabriel Macht. They are two dumbasses, who in 1997, get the idea to have porn on the internet. What they actually develop well is a way to take credit card information from the internet and charge people, apparently something never considered before. Luke helps them realize they are thinking too small, and should just focus on the credit card information, letting the porn people do the porn. After they set up a safe name for the company, so people can jerk it in the comforts of their own home, they can make jillions!

Also apparently I am the kind of guy to only make cartoon jokes in a review of a movie about pr0n? As you would be expected, there are quite a few naked boobies in this movie. Wilson does a great job of playing his role. The two other guys similarly do a good job of playing the “dumb ass” roles.

Parts of the movie lulled in the middle, and I wouldn’t say I got confused at times, but I did get a bit overwhelmed. Either way, this was a pretty interesting story. Predictable outcome, maybe, but just how it got there is an interesting tale.