Darkest Hour

With a title like Darkest Hour, you would assume the movie would take place sometime in the 1-4am range of whatever time zone that film is in. But what do we know.

Well we do know is that The Darkest Hour is a film that came out six years and features at least one more article in the title. I never reviewed The Darkest Hour, but I remember when it came out and in retrospect, I really wish I reviewed it just for this review comparison. Unfortunately, it was right before I started my website, and I was too cool for that shitty looking movie then. Russians, aliens, power, seems perfect. Damn it.

Back to this film, Darkest Hour. This one is a film that people have actually talked about, buzzed about, raved about, but never done a full on analysis between it and the previous film. I feel like this is the easiest thing they could have done. Maybe no one watched The Darkest Hour?

According to him just two people watched The Darkest Hour.

In early May, 1940, the British Parliament was getting sick of World War II. Their troops were dying. Hitler was taking over Europe, and everything looked grim. So they wanted Neville Chamberlain (Ronald Pickup rel=”noopener” target=”_blank”) to resign as the Prime Minister so they could get someone with a bigger drive to save them from utter turmoil. And despite his background, despite his history, they knew the only man for the job would be the controversial Winston Churchill (Gary Oldman rel=”noopener” target=”_blank”).

And of course Churchill knew this, he has waited his whole life for this, he just wishes it was under better times. His wife (Kristin Scott Thomas rel=”noopener” target=”_blank”) supports him, and he just has to, you know, save all of the British troops from annihilation in France, develop a competent war council, and determine if his country will end up signing a peace treaty with one of these warlords.

The king (Ben Mendelsohn rel=”noopener” target=”_blank”) is not a fan of his, his ¨allies¨ (Stephen Dillane) want him to just make peace and end things, and well, nothing is going right. This is the same month that will end with his troops retreating to the coast in Dunkirk, France, with no real ability to get help and return home. Thankfully throughout all of this, we have our person new to the crew (Lily James) as his typist so that we can catch up on any important backstory.

Oh, and yes, the film takes place entirely in the month of may, no D-Day like I originally imagined.

Also featuring Samuel West and Richard Lumsden.

That smoke is coming out of his eyes like a bizarre dragon, not his cigar.

Watching the trailer for The Darkest Hour, I realize I totally did watch that movie. Again, it was just incredibly forgettable, and before I had this site, so no review of it exists. I can´t believe I watched it.

On the other side of the line, I am so glad I watched Darkest Hour. A thrilling biographical film, filled with wonderful performances, gripping true story, and wonderful history.

Gary Morphman Oldman is insane in this film. I don´t mean he acts insane, as he has plenty of characters who do that, but in his transformation into Churchill. At no point in the film did I think that it was just Oldman playing a character and doing it well, it just felt like Churchill the entire time. The words, the walk, the look, the makeup people are probably getting nominations for this one. Sure, yes, you can see him in his Oldman eyes, but it is one of the finest full on character transformations in recent years. Similar to the transformation of Daniel Day-Lewis into Lincoln.

The rest of the cast could not get up to Oldman´s level, unfortunately. Our main antagonist felt a lot less realistic and not fleshed out, so he became a one note pony and it got a bit old. The King was okay, Chamberlain was okay, Lily James was okay enough, but didn´t have a strong purpose either.

This is certainly a better movie in my mind than Dunkirk, because it has a lot more of a human and story component behind it, while Dunkirk is visually pleasing and thrilling, the story just lacks so much.

In case you didn´t read that, Oldman great, rest of cast okay, story better than Dunkirk.

3 out of 4.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard

I remember when the first poster for The Hitman’s Bodyguard came out, everyone just naturally assumed it was a joke. There wasn’t prior knowledge of some mysterious Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson movie, just a poster and a lot of laughs. It was a parody of the poster for The Bodyguard, but you know, dudes. Hilarious.

And then a trailer came out and confirmed everyone’s worst or best fears. This movie was real, and it was an action comedy, and it might be amazing. It could be the next The Nice Guys for all we know, with two talented comedic leads who also know their way around an action movie. A perfect pairing, if you will.

Little did I know, technical issues would get in the way of a good laughing.

Joke about dicks and guns.

Michael Bryce (Reynolds) used to be one of the best bodyguards in the world. Dignitaries, foreign leaders, high CEO level people would hire him in dangerous situations to make sure they made it through safely, especially if someone wanted them dead. He was incredibly thorough with his work, always detailed, meticulously planning every job to ensure the best for his clients.

But eventually, one of his clients got shot despite doing everything right. This put him on the straight spiral downward. A bodyguard is only as good as his rating, and letting a client die puts a hamper on your rating. So now he is a mess of a man, doing shittier jobs. He still does them well, but his heart isn’t into it anymore.

An ex lover, Amelia Roussel (Elodie Young), who works for Interpol one day shows up at his door needing help. It turns out they have in their custody Darius Kincaid (Jackson), one of the greatest hitmen known to man, with incredible aim and very ruthless. He isn’t being charged with a crime, but he is being brought in as a witness against Vladislav Dukhovich (Gary Oldman), a tyrant being charged with crimes against humanity. Apparently Kincaid did a few jobs for him, so he has the inside scoop and is the only person alive who can testify to the deeds.

So of course people want Kincaid dead. And it is going to take an expert to get him there safely, while also dealing with his reckless behavior. Unfortunately, these two gentlemen are also bitter enemies, with Kincaid being the one who killed Bryce’s man those years ago. Oh how will they put this rivalry behind them?

Also starring Salma Hayek, Yuri Kolokolnikov, Tine Joustra, and Joaquim de Almeida.

The more explosions the better, I guess.

I’d love to give a real review of this movie. I’d prefer if I saw it in perfect conditions to really judge or appreciate the film, but alas, I did not.

The screening I saw had very jacked sound quality. Early on it was terrible. Everything that made a sound was louder than the dialogue, so it started off hard to follow. Later on it got better, but it turns out it was just due to less explosions. By the end, it was again an inaudible mess of just sounds and hard to decipher words. It was fucking pointless.

And I have to judge the movie entirely by this fact. Because I am not going out of my way to see it a second time to see if it was fluke. The people working didn’t say it was a mistake and try to fix it. We just got wrecked and they didn’t care, so I didn’t care either. I didn’t know when I would ever publish this review, because it feels pointless. But hey, I published my review of King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, which had even worse issues in my theater, so why not just rail against this movie?

Hayek was fantastic in this film though. She stole the show. Good on her.

1 out of 4.

The Space Between Us

When did The Space Between Us come out? Shit, I don’t remember. This year maybe, or last year and I am super far behind. [Editor’s Note: It was this year! First week in February, I am not super far behind!]

I think I received an invite to this one, but a better looking movie was at the same time. I didn’t know anything about this film either, based on a book, some sci-fi romance plot, and that is it.

Poor Asa Butterfield, he is getting typecasted into a lot of weird roles. And if he had kept his mouth shut, he’d be Spider-Man probably (which is also, technically, weird). It’s good to be able to follow your passions when you are this young, I guess.

Riding on a motorcycle without a helmet is not a good passion to follow.

At long last, humanity is going to reach a new level! We are going to Mars. Not as visitors, but as new tenants, to terraform parts of the area. To live, and study and make a viable new home for mankind. It has long been the dream of Nathaniel Shepherd (Gary Oldman) since he was a child, and now he is at NASA leading the expedition from home. A team of astronauts, led by Sarah Elliot (Janet Montgomery), are willing to dedicate their lives to getting there and staying there, for science and shit.

Except Sarah had a secret, even from herself. She was newly pregnant. So on Mars she gave birth to a boy, Gardner (Asa Butterfield), and died during childbirth. The first human born not on Earth, amazing. But also a PR disaster, so NASA agreed to keep the boy a secret. Being born in a weaker gravity would mean that the bones would develop also more brittle, and he likely would never be able to come to Earth. Keeping him a secret was the best way to save their mission and the boy.

Well, a decade and a half later, Gardner is weird and lonely, the only child still on Mars. He has the internet and communicate with people of Earth, but he knows the severity of keeping his secret. One girl he talks to, Tulsa (Britt Robertson), seems like his dream girl, but long distant relationships are terrible. And with enough begging and pleading, they finally decide to bring him back. He has a lot of surgery to add stuff to his bones, but this is the future so whatever. He flies back to earth, and has some issues.

BUT HE DIDN’T COME BACK TO EARTH TO BE TESTED. He came back for love. To find Tulsa. Also to figure out who his daddy is, that too matters. And he won’t let anything get in his way, gravity, nothing.

Also featuring BD Wong, Carla Gugino, and Scott Takeda.

And he won’t let a lack of gravity keep him from getting dat kiss.

Where’s that Hercules disappointed gif when you need it? This could have been an incredibly amazing movie. One that brought all viewers to tears, with its beautiful actual star crossed lovers story. But it was driven down in mediocrity.

At the beginning of the film, there was potential. Sure the whole thing looked incredibly cheesy. Like a hallmark send off to Mars instead of how it might actually look. The interview with the crew before where Sarah awkwardly answered questions and no one else spoke was uncomfortable, but still, the story was a really great one.

And then he got to Earth. And then it wasn’t just awkward it was just a let down. They were on the run from the NASA security trying to get him back, because of course, his body was failing him due to disease, gravity, whatever. But it just failed to reach any deep or meaningful level.

And damn it, it was so close to an amazing story. Well, the idea was close to an amazing story. What was delivered was just trash. This might actually be an average movie, but I left with a worst taste in my mouth just because of how badly it presented a good idea.

The day after watching it, I could hardly recall anything of note. It just is not a film that will stay with you based on how incredibly underwhelming the whole thing ends up being.

1 out of 4.

Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes

Rise of the Planet of the Apes did something miraculously a few years ago. It was able to bring back a cherished series, put its own stamp on it, and not suck completely.

You know, like what Planet of the Apes couldn’t do a decade and a half ago.

But still! Well done Rise. It relaunched a series and gave us a good story. Outside of a really terrible forced romance, it was an exciting movie that I have watched many times.

So, no pressure Dawn of the Planet Of The Apes.

Pressure is Caesar’s middle name. Wait. No. That was Julius.

Dawn is set ten years after the events of the first film. The virus spread throughout the human race, killing most of them. Sure, there were people immune to the virus who are now survivors. But their numbers are few in small cities across the globe, running low on resources and technologies that once were plentiful.

Caesar (Andy Serkis) and his band of merryapes are living peacefully in the red wood forests outside of San Francisco. They haven’t seen humans in years. They hunt deer, protect their own, have rules, are teaching the youth. But then? Humans.

A group of them, including Malcolm (Jason Clarke), Ellie (Keri Russell), Alexander (Kodi Sit-McPhee), and Carver (Kirk Acevedo). They are to go to the nearby dam to try and turn it on. Supplies are low.

However Ape/Human relationships are quite tense. Caesar is willing to trust them and forgive, but other apes in the vicinity, like his general Kobo (Toby Kebbell) might not be as trusting. Add that with the human fear of the apes, lead by the San Fransisco ex-military leader Dreyfus (Gary Oldman) and you got the potential for quite a boondoggle.

Also, Nick Thurston plays Blue Eyes, the son of Caesar (because Augustus would be silly).

I know what you’re thinking, human. You’re thinking “did he fire six shots or only five?” and “Does that Ape know how many shells are even in a shot gun” and “Does he think that gun is candy?”

I will definitely give this movie one thing. It did a great job at world building after the events of the first film. Of course, we only get to see a small area, San Francisco + forest. It would have been cool to see more of the world. For instance, just how many humans are there? I assume that will be answered in future parts.

Caesar / Serkis was also really cool. Everything about him was awesome. Speech, movements, plot line. What a baller guy/ape.

But other than that? This movie disappointed in some ways too. At times the CGI was really jarring, standing out, and even looking kind of shitty. Some of the characters looked awful and I was taken out of the experience. When the Apes and Men clashed for the first big fight? That looked terrible. The other fire scene? Didn’t really work for me either.

The film also dragged on at different times. All of it part of the world building and getting used to this new civilization. And I kind of just wished it would get to the point closer. The ending itself felt a bit predictable too, offering not a lot new minus the fact that it involved apes.

The movie had a lot of good, and a lot of average going on for it. So although parts were awesome and the movie had a good vibe, I couldn’t help leave feeling a bit disappointed. Also for those who hate reading, 1) thank you for still reading my reviews, and 2) there is a bunch of subtitles.

2 out of 4.


Motherfucking RoboCop.

The Hero of Detroit.

Why he doesn’t have a statue yet, I still do not know. Fucking politicians, corrupt as always.

Anyways, when I heard there was a remake, I was fine with it. When I heard it was PG-13, I was confused. Do they understand the point of that franchise? Besides the satire, of course.

Black Armor
He is black, because black is cool and sexy.

Needless to say, no, RoboCop remake isn’t as bad as everyone said it was before they gave it a chance. I even had a popular tweet a few months back claiming it would suck, and really, it wasn’t super terrible, it just also wasn’t super amazing.

Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman) is a Detroit detective, and working on uncovering a huge drug and weapons king pin. The detectives meant to monitor him are on his payroll, lots of corruption everywhere. During an encounter, his partner (Michael Kenneth Williams, for authenticity) gets injured.

Murphy really wants to bring him in. So they bomb his car to kill him. Unfortunately they only really leave him super badly disfigured.

At the same time, Omnicorp is making robot police men! But America doesn’t want them to patrol the streets, no trust for whatever reason, so instead they are used to keep peace in the Middle East. Their owner (Michael Keaton) is at war with the government, to overturn their policy making robot guards no longer illegal. Eventually he gets the idea. Why not put a human in a robot, and win the public that way?

Yes…yes…that will allow him to make lots of money. As long as the Robot Human Cop is as good as just a Robot of course. Yet also somehow maintain his human characteristics. Can it be done?

Gary Oldman plays the bio-scientist who has the capabilities of putting a man in a robot body. Jackie Earle Haley is a militaristic trainer. Abbie Cornish is the wife. Jay Baruchel is in here for some reason. And Samuel L. Jackson plays some sort of Bill O’Reilly motherfucker, with a nightly TV show that can warp the American point of view.

Black Man
He is black because of genetics.

There are at least 3-4 references to the Detroit Red Wings in this movie. This is excellent. In this universe, the Red Wings still exist in all of their glory in like 20 years.

One other amazing thing happened to me in this movie. They played the song Focus by Hocus Pocus. It is a song I have been trying to find the name of for the last 4-5 years, but as it is an instrumental with yodeling and other weird noise, can’t exactly look it up. Thank you for your contributions to my sanity.

Oh you wan’t actual review? Okay.

Well, RoboCop wasn’t completely sucky. It wasn’t completely amazing either. They spent a lot lot lot of time before we actually got RoboCop into the streets. We had to watch the set up, the idea, the training, the tests, everything. Once he was about to hit the streets, he had another quick breakdown that they had fix again. Far too much of the movie was given to these factors, probably as they were trying to keep it PG-13 and not have him, you know, being a Cop.

I do think the film did capture the spirit of the original. Corrupt corporations and what not, so that is fine.

It had its entertaining moments and they increased the intensity of the ED-209, those big two legged walker robots.

I also really enjoyed the ending. And by that, I mean that they ended it on a nice note and didn’t automatically set up a sequel. That happens a lot more in movies nowadays. Fuck that.

2 out of 4.


I didn’t know a lot about Paranoia before viewing it. Outside of the trailer, it didn’t have any advertising from what I could tell.

But it did have two great actors in head roles, so there is some amount of hope that it is surprisingly decent.

Hey. That guy looks like a thinner, less strong, less manly, Thor. How weird.

The story centers on Adam (Liam Hemsworth), who works for a big phone company lead by Nicolas Wyatt (Gary Oldman). Adam is leading a small team to help develop a tool for their new phone model, but Wyatt ignores him, causing Adam to lose his temper. Needless to say, Wyatt does not choose their project and fires the whole team.

Adam, despite being in debt with his sick dad (Richard Dreyfuss), decides to use the company expense card to live it up with his former coworkers in a moment of mutiny.

Well, now Wyatt has him on credit fraud. Adam doesn’t want to go to prison, so he will do anything Wyatt asks of him. Even if it means stealing.

Wyatt and his associate Judith (Embeth Davidtz) hook Adam up with a fancy new wardrobe, apartment, and personality, so he can get a job as an executive for Jock Goddard (Harrison Ford), who happens to run the biggest phone company. They are working on a sleek new phone that is said to revolutionize the world, and Wyatt wants a prototype. If he succeeds, he will get his friends (mostly Lucas Till) their jobs back, have money for his dad, and will have job security for the rest of his life.

We also have Amber Heard as a marketing direct and main love interest forAdam, Julian McMahon as a lackie of Wyatt, and Josh Holloway as an FBI detective.

These two are juggernauts in the acting world. I have now used ‘juggernaut’ in a review.

If you watch the trailer, you really don’t have to see the movie. They tell you the entire main plot while also spoiling the main twists as well! Seriously, something is given away in the trailer that doesn’t happen until the final twenty minutes, a major plot point.

Unfortunately, the plot itself is predictable (even without the trailer). Having a predictable plot is bad if you are trying to make a crime/thriller. The acting is also not really anything special. The side plot with the friends who lost their job is nothing more than cringe worthy and a distraction.

But the so-so acting and bad plot are not the worse parts. The worse part comes from the tiny details they did not care about.

These two men are the heads of the two biggest mobile phone makers in the world/country. They have their own unique names and everything. Yet they and their heads of staff are using iPhones. I might have seen a Galaxy S3 in there as well. That is just pure laziness. I wouldn’t have noticed if they didn’t constantly show the phones up close.

It almost seems like they are taunting the viewer. They are taunting us by showing how little they cared about the final product of this movie and it showed.

1 out of 4.


I am surprised at how little Lawless was talked about when it first hit theaters. They didn’t really give away any of the plot, but made it seem like a ganster/western movie of some sort, with some bad ass actors.

And you know, uhh, Shia LaBeouf.

Shia Get OUt
Damn it Shia, what did I tell you about showing up in my movies?

Franklin County, Virgina, early 1900s, prohibition is a bitch. But thankfully this is the wettest county in the world and basically everyone is growing Moonshine, so much that even some gangsters from Chicago are getting their hands wet out here.

The Bondourant brothers are immortal, through legend and talk from their brother Forrest (Tom Hardy). He survived a flu that killed most people who got it, and his other brother Howard (Jason Clarke) was the only surviving member of his platoon in WW1. The youngest brother, Jack (LaBeouf) is the runt of the group and wants to join in on all of the activities but, you know, he is small.

He has big dreams though, and even worships the great gangster Floyd Banner (Gary Oldman), and is hoping to start his own moonshine batch with his weird friend Cricket (Dane DeHaan) who is at least good with tinkering.

Things are going great! That is until some DA Charlie Rakes (Guy Pearce) is brought in, from Chicago, to clean up this moonshine business in the area, even though the local cops don’t care. His style and aura is definitely not welcome, you know, because he wants to arrest them and maybe kill them.

Kill them? Yeah, life is brutal in this time period. People die, lots of people, and it is fucking gruesome. Most people would fear for their lives, you know, if they weren’t immortal (and missing a lot of their brain cells). All while this is going on, Jack is working on seducing a local Amish like chick (Mia Wasikowska) and a former dancer from Chicago is here to work at their restaurant (Jessica Chastain).

Hardly working
Basically a nice quiet life. But with lots of guns and violence.

Despite my best attempts to make the movie seem lame, it was a blast to see. Hardy and Clarke as the older brothers were both unique and brought a lot to their characters, especially Hardy. His low witted self always made me either chuckle or grimace based on what he was doing (or had done to him).

Gary Oldman is barely in this movie, but Guy Pearce definitely plays his own extremely unique character, so much that I couldn’t even remember what Guy Pearce actually looked and sounded like.

But Shia? Well he did a fine job too. Didn’t ruin the movie like I thought he would, but I am disappointed that he was the main character and not Forrest.

I think the movie could have been a bit shorter than what happened though, or even better, just less “down” scenes. The church scene was really odd, and I do’t know why they never really explained what the heck was going on there. There won’t be any sequels to the movie, as the entire story is told, which is a shame. I’d almost want to see more of Forrest and Howard when they were younger and just getting started.

3 out of 4.

The Dark Knight Rises

The Dark Knight Rises has the pleasure and curse of being one of the top three anticipated movies of the year (along with The Avengers and The Hobbit).

As it is a straight up sequel, not a collaboration of movies like the Avengers, it almost has more pressure because it will be compared success and fail to The Dark Knight from 2008. Which you’ve seen right? And of course Batman Begins? If you haven’t then you are silly for wanting to see this movie or read this review. Watch the first two movies first, it matters.

What in the what, hey, you there. Stop that! You don’t belong in that safe.

Don’t worry, I wont spoil much. But here, let me set the scene.

The movie takes place eight years after The Dark Knight. Harvey Dent is celebrated as a hero, and Batman (Christian Bale) has taken the fall for his Two-Face badness. So at this point crime is way down. No masked vigilantes, no super humans running amuck. Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman) is being a commisioner, and thinking about letting the world really know.

Bruce Wayne is now a shut in, hurt leg, and doesn’t go out much, despite Alfred’s (Michael Caine) best attempts. Wayne Enterprises, still run by Lucious Fox (Morgan Freeman) isn’t poor, but isn’t making really any money anymore. Mostly sucks for all the orphanages and stuff that worked on his funding. A lot of money was tied into a sustainable energy project, brought on by an environmentalist Miranda Tate (Marion Cotillard).

But when a pseudo masked strong man, Bane (Tom Hardy) takes up residence in Gotham city, err, well why is he there? And why the heck is some chick (Anne Hathaway) stealing his jewels when he wants to just be a shut in? And what is with that shifty eyed cop, John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) with his notions of justice?

Bitches ain’t nothin’ but hoes and tricks.

Ughhh, I wish I was reviewing this in 2014 so I can say all the spoilers. Because yes, 2 years is enough time to allow it.

Performance wise, I loved both Catwoman and Bane. Anne Hathaway personally never disappoints me, and I think she won a lot of naysayers over. Bane was so diabolically creepy to me. Strong, and smart, the best of both worlds, he dismantled all of Gotham and his voice and eyes were just so full of emotion to me. I almost found myself on his side, due to his weird form of Charisma.

Also, fucking Michael Caine. Every time he spoke, you listened. Powerful performance from him.

I think the story still may have been a bit too long. I think early on a few scenes dragged on a bit too long, but I understand the necessity of it all.

I’ve heard people note that there isn’t enough “Batman” in the batman movie. Instead, it felt like a lot more Gotham centric movie, and I loved the attention that went to all the different players. Maybe a bit too much time for Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but hey.

I think I need to say powerful again, because there are a lot of powerful moments. I almost teared up twice, and actually did once again. I like that the expected ending wasn’t what actually occurred. Unfortunately, my comic based activities and hearing rumors gave me a specific mind set going into the film. I kept forcing plot points to go to my mindset instead of how they were presented, and fuck me, I was right.

From Fear, to Chaos, to Pain, I think the trilogy as a whole will be celebrated for its “Realism” in terms of a comic book movie, and great attention to detail, along with the social implications of it all. Whether or not this is what the people who grew up during the late 70s felt when Star Wars was being released, I don’t know, but it probably will be one of the closest relatable feelings I have to something like that.

3 out of 4.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy


But this is not your James Bond type of Spy Movie. This is the more subtle, information based spy movie. Of course more secret government organizations. But it is also British, and with other European people. As a hardcore American, that is a negative to me. Because we are the best.

But honestly, I knew absolutely nothing about Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy before I watched it, just that it was probably a book.

Reading is sooooo European.

The movie begins with Jim Prideaux (Mark Strong) sent to Hungary by the head of the Circus (British Intelligence nickname?) (John Hurt) to meet a native to buy secrets! Too bad he gets shot and captured though. That is not the plan, so the head gets canned, and his aide, George Smiley (Gary Oldman) get into forced retirement, and the head dies soon after from being old.

They get replaced by Tinker (Toby Jones) and his new right hand man, Tailor (Colin Firth) and also Soldier (Ciaran Hinds) and Poorman (David Dencik ) also move up the ranks. Bet you thought that last code name would be Spy? Yeah, what teases. Spy would also be a poor code name.

Speaking of poor nicknames, they move up the ranks due to Witchcraft! Russian secret intelligence they have found and traded to the Americans for even more intelligence. Smiley is brought back out of retirement from Ricki Tarr (Tom Hardy), as there are reports of a mole in the British government, someone who has been there for quite some time.

He has obvious suspects, but starts with those who left around the same time as him and works his way inward. He gets a team of people, including someone played by Benedict Cumberbatch, to do some secret espionage stuff to find out who the mole is, and if the initial outing of Smiley and others was all part of someones plan.

Other secrets to find out! Just what the mole was doing, the true purpose of the Hungary visit, and how jerky some peopl can be.

LOOK AT HIM. Not even an unrelated caption. Just do it.

In other news, this is efinitely not a movie I could watch again and again. It is a slower pace, obviously, and strictly feels like a very tame game of chess. The actors involved all do wonderful jobs, but personally I didn’t see a need to give Gary Oldman more props than the rest of the cast (Nominated for Best Actor for the film). When everyone does a fine job, I just find it harder to praise a single person.

However the plot I never really seemed to care for. Couldn’t relate to older British intelligence officers, go figure. I was just hoping the American’s wouldn’t get screwed over or made seem stupid in the movie. And well, it kind of happened. Whoops.

Decent movie, but just not my kind of film.

2 out of 4.

The Dark Knight

Hooray! Review 450! That in no way is a real significant number, just that it is divisible by 50.

Normally this is where I do a big long review of a bad movie, spoil the shit out of it, and make you laugh. Twilight series and High School Musical stuff so far. But the next bad movie I want to review I am saving for 500. It is kind of a special one for this site.

So instead, I will do a “controversial” review for a widely liked and known movie. And use the fact that there is a lot of pictures to make nerdy/lame jokes.
How could a review of The Dark Knight be controversial? Because I am only giving it a 3/4, and I will try to explain why I didn’t love it to the max.

Because this movie featured not enough bat nipples.

Batman is running around batmanning in this movie, but so are fake batmans. He has to save a fake batman from trying to batman the return of Scarecrow, in the movie as just a cameo. Apparently Batman’s existence isn’t making crime go away, it is elevating it!

Which is why we get some assholes like The Joker.

He also looks like a midnight toker.

The Joker’s back story is very simple one. He doesn’t have one. He has no other known aliases that could be proven, and no one really knows why he acts the way he does. He is chaos incarnated, and follows a very loose definition of logic to acquire his goals. His goals being more or less the destruction/torment of the Batman, an equally crazy character in his eye. It is almost as if he won’t stop until the Batman stops.

Or if he is stopped? If Ledger didn’t die, this could totally be some nice foreshadowing.

But fuck this crime shit. There is a new sheriff in town, Harvey Dent, the white knight gotham needs to legally bring the criminals to Justice. He is also now dating Rachel, Batman’s former gal, who apparently changed her look completely when breaking up with Bruce.

But that Joker is causing lots of damn problems. Not to mention huge outcries against the Batman for being a vigilante. Coupled with an attack on some high profile players and not-yet-commissioner Gordon, the Joker demand that Batman give himself up to save the city. Dent realizes that it would be bad if that happens and pretends to be Batman instead as a trap for the Joker.

He is such a fucking swell guy. High in morals too.

The trap is set, and the Joker is caught. Or did he allow himself to get caught?

He did. During it he arranged for the kidnapping of Dent and Rachel, and set it up so that only one could be saved by Batman, and the other dying in an explosion. In a very tense and lovely moment as they talk on the phone, we are teased horribly with Dent falling on the side and laying in the oil. But the Batman saves him, fuck! Oh well. Still gets his face all fucked up.

And AMC still wouldn’t let him join The Walking Dead.

More ultimatums issues by the joker. Have the town kill an innocent man, or else he will blow up a hospital. More chaos is caused, including people evacuating the city. The police get the bright idea of putting all the prisoners on a boat into the water, because they don’t want a repeat of what the Scarecrow did. The rich people also evacuate on a nice cruiser.

Haha! Another plot point expected by the Joker. Both vessels are armed with explosives, and the detonators for them are on each others boat. If one boat doesn’t detonate the other boat, they both will explode at midnight. Will the rich kill the prisoners, will the prisoners kill the rich?

Prisoner's Dilemma
“This is quite a dilemma, we, the prisoners, face.” – Big guy.

Through questionable motives, The Batman is able to find the Joker and tie him up once and for all! But too bad he has already convinced Harvey Dent (Two-Face) that life sucks, and he should kill people. Using the power of coin technology to determine life or death, he decides to go after all of those who set up Rachel’s death, thinking the Joker could not have been involved.

Through some tossing and turning, Batman stops him too at the cost of Two-Face’s life, making it the first time he has killed someone. Batman and Commissioner Gordon agree that Batman take the blame for what Dent did, so that Dent can die a hero and provide hope for Gotham, while Batman will go on the run, and be a “villain” for the city to unite together.

Morgan Freeman is also in here as Lucius Fox again, CEO of Wayne Enterprises, and really really hates unethical ways of stopping crime.

Alfred is still in this movie too, of course, because being a Butler is bananas.

Why the fuck did you not give this a 4/4?

Well part of my giving a movie a 4 out of 4 is the longing to watch it again sometime in the future and to make sure everyone sees it. Hellboy II, which came out to theaters a week before The Dark Knight, I gave a 4 out of 4. Counting the theater watch, I have seen that movie probably 7 times since. That is a lot, I really love that movie. How many times have I seen The Dark Knight?

Just two. Theaters, and last weekend on Blu-Ray. I definitely bought it the week it came out, just never watched it again until now.

But that doesn’t explain why I didn’t love it.

The film had a lot of hype thanks to the death of Heath Ledger. So much that he was being promised a best supporting actor Oscar before most people even saw the movie. Annoying fanboys is not a reason to hate a movie though. While Ledger was pretty damn awesome, I have never found the Joker character compelling or in general a great story line feature. I find him hard to grok, and that is part of the point. He is supposed to not make any sense and be complete chaos.

One of the most interesting stories throughout history though has always been the tragedy. Starting in Ancient Greece, the Tragedies always featured the same thing. No one cares if some random guy gets down on his luck, the fall isn’t great enough. People only care when someone on top of the world and is seemingly powerful loses everything and falls from the good grace. Like a King, or maybe a District Attorney who is living a fabulous life.

comic origins

Despite his kind of weak origins, the comic storyline of Two-Face (ahh referencing the books the movie is based on! I am horrible! :/ ) is one of the best out there. A highly moral character who wanted to rid the streets of crime and did it all within the law to persecute criminals. But when the Justice system kept failing him, he began to crack. People need to be punished, and it isn’t working out. Then some other unfortunate things happen, like losing his loved ones (possibly at Batman’s fault) and the whole face scarring incident.

Dent’s fall from the top turns him into Two-Face, a man who believes there is no right or wrong left in the world, that Karma is a farce and everything that ever happens is always a random chance. Why not determine life or death with a simple coin flip? This way he can try to get back at those who has wronged him (other criminals, people in the justice system, and Crime) and do it the only “fair” way that must be left.

But his story was overshadowed by The Joker’s and mostly swept under the rug until the end. Having him die, while symbolic, was definitely a weird way to take the Batman franchise in. I really think I would have loved it a bit more if they dug a little bit deeper into Two-Faces actions at the end. It seemed kind of weak how the Joker convinced him to go after the people that he did, but I guess we have to believe it as a man who has given up all hope and purpose for life.

But despite all this, seriously, who isn’t excited for some Dark Knight Rises?

Despite the PG-13 rating, I think there is still a 90% chance of seeing a naked Anne Hathaway.

3 out of 4.

1 2