The Hate U Give

I have heard about The Hate U Give at least two years ago as a teacher in middle school. I had not read it yet, but I did want to read it. I just never got around to it. You know, movies and all.

I knew I had to wait until after I saw the movie. Maybe it would be like this year´s Wonder, in terms of book lovers all excited. Wonder was decent, and the book was decent. I assume there were a lot of fears about turning this allegedly very great book into a mediocre or shit movie. It has a big uphill battle, but at least its subject matter has been making good strides in cinema lately.

This year we already got Blindspotting and Sorry To Bother You, but neither of them are from the kid perspective. Of course, if there are already great movies on similar topics, it has a lot to live up to.

The Hate U Give has a lot of battles to climb, so on its own, it is its own representation of race relations. Another way to examine this is the IMDB rating, which at the time of writing is a 4.6, weeks before it comes out. Why? Oh, almost 200 votes for 1/10. Either this movie is very polarizing, or you know, racism.

Pretty sure we all know what she thinks.

A few years ago, the Carter family had to have ¨the talk.¨ So Lisa (Regina Hall) and Mav (Russell Hornsby) sat down their three kids, Seven (Lamar Johnson), Starr (Amandla Stenberg), and Sekani (TJ Wright). The oldest are just in their pre-teens, but it is time. No, this talk isn´t about sex. It is about what to do if they are in a situation where they are detained or pulled over by the cops.

This is a real talk that black families are starting to have to talk to, due to the violence and targeting that is going on in our country. It is not a great talk, but for families that care for each other, who know they cannot always be there to protect them, it is necessary.

It is the type of loving family that Starr grew up in, full of knowledge and strength. And now she goes to school outside of the hood she lives in. It is a white school, with white friends, white boyfriends (K.J. Apa) who won´t ever understand what she is going through at home. She has to balance these two lives. But it is when tragedy strikes her life and her friend Khalil (Algee Smith), she has her worlds start to crash together, giving her a whole new insight to this thing called life.

Also starring Common, Issa Rae, Sabrina Carpenter, Dominique Fishback, Megan Lawless, and Anthony Mackie as a bad guy drug dealer. Been awhile since he has turned south in his roles.

Hands Up
Hands up won´t protect her on its own, but that Carolina Blue shirt will help.

The Hate U Give is a powerhouse from start to finish. From ¨the talk¨ at the start of the film, to the different worlds, to the cop tragedy, to the protests, to the speeches, to the riots. It is full of emotion from unexpected places. My first cry was because the father was by his daughters side after a nightmare. She wasn´t screaming causing him to run in the door. No, she woke up panicked and he was already there. Just subtle clues to show that clearly he had fallen asleep in a chair by her side to protect her, to help her with the morning after, and just be a goddamn amazing father. And that is the type of stuff that gets me.

Sure, I did cry a few other times, not just a one and done deal. It is hard not to get wrapped up in the story. Hell, at over 2 hours it almost doesn´t feel long enough. I need more of the story, I need to be there to help comfort the characters, to rage against the machine or whatever it takes. I am definitely going to grab the book, and it is going to make me upset just like the movie.

And more importantly, it is going to get me more upset about real life. I am white, if my writing doesn´t make that obvious. I am a man, if you cannot tell with my boob tags. And this is the type of movie that can get people to see the other side of the fence if they come to it with any amount of openness.

Stenberg was fantastic in the lead role. She wasn´t great in The Darkest Minds, but no one was. She was good in Everything, Everything despite the fact that I didn´t like the movie. But she was outstanding in this film. She carries a lot of weight and emotion in her face. Hornsby as the dad is my goddamn hero. I hope I can one day grow into a worldly intelligent and caring man like him.

Just so much of this film is relevant, at this point, it is practically essential viewing. It deals with heavy topics that kids in their pre-teens can better handle unlike other films and will be seen in schools throughout the nation within the next year.

4 out of 4.

John Wick: Chapter 2

When John Wick came out, I missed it for awhile, and everyone got mad at me for not watching John Wick. So I saw it a few months after the fact, thought it was interesting, but honestly, never rushed back to see it. Didn’t feel like a double watcher for me, is all.

But I was still excited to see John Wick: Chapter 2, because if anything, I like Keanu Reeves as a person and want the most exciting things to happen to him.

And besides, we need more action films where the hero actually reloads his gun and can get hurt.

But first, a reunion we have long been waiting for.

Chapter 2 takes place a little bit after the first film. Wick (Reeves) has a new dog now, but no name. He is still on a rampage, getting things back, finally getting his car. And once he returns, he can retire in peace. But right after he finishes burying his gun, a visitor appears at his door, some dickweed named Santino D’Antonio (Riccardo Scamarcio). Wick owes D’Antonio a favor, a blood favor, because D’Antonio was able to get Wick out of the killing game in order to retire.

But since Wick un-retired for a bit, D’Antonio is going to use his blood favor to make Wick go on one more mission for him. D’Antonio is going to use Wick to kill his sister, Gianna D’Antonio (Claudia Gerini). She has a seat in some international assassins council, and Santino wants it. Wick is forced to, based on these same council rules, despite the fact that killing a council seat holder also gets him in trouble with people on the council.

He is in a lose lose situation, but it is clear that when he does it, everyone will be gunning for him, and Wick will be gunning for one man: Santino.

Also featuring Ian McShane, Ruby Rose, Common, Lance Reddick, Laurence Fishburne, and John Leguizamo.

Something seems in common between these two.

I am actually having a hard time talking about John Wick: Chapter 2. I liked it as a movie, that is for sure. The first movie was very weak on plot, but still entertaining. It had a lot of mystery. In this film, the plot is technically still weak, still mysterious, but also something that answers a whole lot about their world. Secret cabals of assassins, rules for them to follow, safe zones, rules, rules. So many rules.

And you just jump into the world they created. It overwhelms you at first, characters come in with pasts that intersected with Wick that we don’t fully get explained nor do they choose to ever explain them. You just have to run and gun with the rest of them.

As for the action, it is at times non-stop and seemingly realistic. Outside of how many punches Wick can take in the face. He is also given bulletproof suits, they stop the puncture, but they still give him the forceful pain. And hey, he reloads his weapon when he runs out, he replaces his guns all the time, and there are some seriously intense fights. His two bouts with Common are pretty good, and the entirety of the catacombs escape was some of my favorite parts.

If anything, the ending is a bit disappointment because they are turning it into a trilogy and not what feels like a self-contained story like our first film. A great trilogy will have what feels like a complete story on each part, that enhances the whole. So as long as Wick2 makes money, Wick 3 will hopefully finish his story, and be a little bit more than a blood bath.

3 out of 4.

Run All Night

I don’t even know what to say about Run All Night. This movie kind of came out of nowhere for me. I had at least heard about things like Non-Stop or A Walk Among The Tombstones

Like, months of notice. This one just in the last few weeks before coming out.

Is this guy even trying anymore? Does he do any serious drama anymore? Who keeps giving him these paychecks for these types of movie? Is it like…is he the next Mr. Cage? After all, he will take literally anything.

I think there must be a robot similar to AWESOME-O doing this. But instead of Adam Sandler movies, it keeps popping out generic Neeson movies. Has to be the only logical solution to what in the hell is going on.

Tag Teaming with pre-accident RoboCop.

Good news! Jimmy Conlon (Liam Neeson) is an asshole and not an anti-hero! He was a hitman for many years, to his good friend Shawn Maguire (Ed Harris). Shawn ran the ports of NYC, a pretty big task, got stupid wealthy, and lives a nice life now. Jimmy the Grave Digger? Well, he is a drunk who has a bad relationship with his son, Mike (Joel Kinnaman). Mike knows of Jimmy’s past. He doesn’t want that around his wife (Genesis Rodriguez) and kids.

Fair enough.

Well, Mike gets into some trouble. Due to no fault of his own, while driving a limo, Shawn’s son, Danny (Boyd Holbrook) wants to kill him. Danny ignores everyone and tries it anywhere, forcing Jimmy to protect his own son. Well, now we got a dead son of a gangster. That isn’t allowed. So Jimmy and his son have to go into hiding. They have to Run All Night, until Jimmy can figure this whole mess out. How to protect his family, how to get rid of his guilt, and how to…well, not suck.

Including Vincent D’Onofrio as a detective who was never able to bring Jimmy Conlon to justice, and Common as a hitman hired to get Jimmy and Mike. Yes, you read that correctly. COMMON is playing a “bad guy”, not a cop on the good guy side. This is truly a historic moment.

Not as historic as this restaurant, that is clearly dedicating itself fully to the color red.

Run All Night has a terrible title. I feel like I should mention that, as titles I haven’t been bringing up as often. It sounds just super generic. Not Fighting generic, but real close.

Speaking of this movie, it wasn’t as terrible as I had thought. First of all, I am stoked again that Liam Neeson doesn’t play a good guy or an anti-hero. He plays definitely a bad guy who tries to redeem himself for his son. So he kills bad people, and has been a bad dude all his life, thus his alcohol/depression. Great. I prefer this.

The action wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. The plot was pretty predictable, and it even started with a scene near the ending, just so you can make sure you know where the whole thing is going towards. Genesis Rodriguez was wasted in this movie, barely having any lines, and not even being able to freak out about her husbands sudden life of crime. She was passive as fuck.

I liked that they featured the NY Rangers and a hockey game pretty heavily, but as you will see from one of my FB posts here, they also butchered the whole thing up.

What I am getting at is that this movie could drag, but also entertain. It is a storybook 2 out of 4. I am mostly happy that it just wasn’t super terrible though.

2 out of 4.


I’ll be honest, when I first heard of the movie Selma, I had no idea what it was about.

When I found out it was a pseudo-biographical film about a moment in MLK’s life? I assumed Selma was his wife.

Nopers, I was way wrong. Selma is actually a city in Alabama! Yeah, who knew? Not only that, but it was a huge staging ground for civil rights in the mid 1960s, and it had nothing to do with sit-ins, busses, or fire hoses. That is pretty exciting on my part, because that means I will actually learn something new instead of the same few tales they teach us about in school. As it deals with race relations, it will probably end up being topical too in some way.

Not sure how, but I am sure someway it could be topical. Hmmmm.

Martin (David Oyelowo) (We are on cool enough terms for me to just use his first name) had just received his Nobel Peace Prize in 1964, but he wasn’t done yet. This was after his I Have A Dream speech. There was a big issue with Jim Crow laws in the south. Sure, technically, everyone now had the right to vote. But people were getting in the way of that.

Poll taxes, literacy tests, inconvenient hours, and rude as shit clerks made things like that hard. Not to mention the general threat of violence for those who might attempt if they were black. Martin wanted LBJ (Tom Wilkinson) to make fixing this issue a priority, but LBJ wouldn’t have it. He had other issues like poverty he wanted to work on. So Martin and his comrades (Common, Andre Holland, Wendell Pierce and more!) found the staging grounds for their next battle in Selma, Alabama.

A student group (Stephan James, Trai Byers) was already working there, building up community support, and of all the registered votes, only 1% were black despite about equal numbers. It was a great battleground. Even had a super racist sheriff (Stan Houston)! Martin just also has family issues with his wife (Carmen Ejogo) while all this is going down, so, pretty intense stuff.

Oh and a whole lot of people are in here as smaller or villainous roles as cameos. We have Tim Roth, Giovanni Ribisi, Cuba Gooding Jr., Martin Sheen, Dylan Baker, and Oprah Winfrey.

People walked a lot more back then, just a matter of fact.

Thinking back on it, I don’t think I have ever seen a high quality film about MLK and his life. He has appeared in other movies I have seen, like Nelsan Ellis last year in The Butler. But filmmakers seem to be afraid of his life, despite clearly being a popular figure. I wonder if people are afraid of doing him badly and not living up to his larger than life persona?

Well, if they were afraid in this movie they shouldn’t be. David Oyelowo did an INCREDIBLE performance. His walk, his talk, his power, he had it all. His looks weren’t perfect, but man were they believable. And when he did his speeches or sermons in this movie? Yeah, his voice carried it hardcore, and not in the same stereotypical way people normally do Martin’s voice. It had its own uniqueness and similarity that made it seem just as awe inspiring and just as real. Shit, the final speech he gave? I was almost certain it was an actual recording instead of Oyelowo, but I was wrong. It almost made me tear up.

My only issues with the film is that despite its superduper lead, the supporting cast didn’t seem to catch up with him. I think this is the worst ever portrayal of J. Edgar I have ever seen. Out of no where it all seemed more comical instead of serious. Roth was awkward as the evil Governor and he also felt quite cartoonish. I couldn’t take these guys seriously, limiting the seriousness of the film.

I learned a shit ton about the subject though and it is an incredible story, even if certain aspects are fabricated. A very nice watch to learn about a very overlooked yet important event in American history. And damn Oyelowo. You good, you good.

3 out of 4.


I have been avoiding LUV for quite some time. Why?

Because it is fucking named LUV. What is that? That is dumb. I don’t like that.

But I do like reviewing things that I think will be stupid, so I guess I kind of have that going for me.

Oh, come on Common. You don’t look like you at all when you laugh.

Uncle Vincent (Common), I guess just Vincent, was locked up in prison for the last 8 years. But now he is out and he wants to make his life better. But first, he has a nephew, Woody (Michael Rainey Jr.). Vincent wants to open a high end crab shack, and Woody just wants to move from Baltimore to his mothers house in North Carolina (he was living with his grandmother).

Also including such fine actors such as Danny Glover, Charles S. Dutton, Dennis Haysbert, Michael K. Williams, and Russell Hornsby.

You guys are doing it wrong. This looks nothing like the Abbey Road cover.


Well, it is an acronym, that I only knew existed once I saw the wikipedia page. Learning Uncle Vincent. The fuck? I mean, it makes sense, but why wasn’t that better advertised? LUV by itself is just silly.

Speaking of just silly, I liked the idea of this movie. It seemed like a good plot line for some nice drama, some crime, sure. Maybe even I would learn a life lesson or two. But it just didn’t deliver. Early on I was interested, but over time my apathy grew as what I felt looked like more and more ridiculous situations. I don’t mean ridiculous in the entertaining way either. Some sort of dramatic/crime ridiculousness, with a lot of guns, but without the excitement. It is hard to describe.

The ending was a bit of a dull too. I guess it was supposed to be surprising, but at that point, who gives a shit, right?

Learning Uncle Vincent, I don’t believe its a true story from the writer, in any way. Nope. But it is what it is, and I will go back to ignoring it.

1 out of 4.

Now You See Me

The first time I saw the trailer for Now You See Me, I got all sorts of excited. A movie with magic and illusions? Heck yeah! It has been seven years since we really had movies on the subject, when we were blessed with The Prestige and The Illusionist, both of which were quite enjoyable.

Oh. I meant good movies about magicians. Sorry. I tend to forget about The Incredible Burt Wonderstone already (and that was in March!).

Look at this gaggle of fucks right here. Basically every star in this movie! Wait…

To start the film, we are introduced to four different street magicians. Atlas (Jesse Eisenberg), the fast talking kind of a dick magician, McKinney (Woody Harrelson), the formerly big mentalist, Henley (Isla Fisher), the former assistant turned pro, and Jack Wilder (Dave Franco), the thieving tricky magician. They are all invited to a secret gathering, where they find blue prints to pull off great magical feats. A year later, they are calling themselves The Four Horsemen and headlining in Las Vegas and around the world!

Their new benefactor is Arthur Tressler (Michael Caine), a big big millionaire, and they just used a magic trick to rob a bank in Paris. Huh? What?

Yep. But the FBI and lead detective Dylan Rhodes (Mark Ruffalo) are in a pickle. Can they arrest them for a magic trick, with no real evidence? Well, no evidence unless they assume magic is real. The answer is no. Even with Thaddeus Bradley (Morgan Freeman), an ex-magician who has a web-series explaining and spoiling other magician’s secrets, they don’t have enough to actually put them away.

Rhodes and his new partner from Interpol (Melanie Laurent) have to follow the four horsemen across America, as their tricks get more and more daring, and steal from more and more powerful sources. But are they doing these tricks alone, or is there a Fifth Horsemen secretly pulling the strings? Also featuring Michael Kelly as an FBI agent. I feel bad for not including him.

In a previous version of this review, I used famous character names instead of actor names for the plot description (like Mark Zuckerberg, or The Hulk) but Dave Franco kind of ruined that. No one really knows who he is.

Why are you so befuddled Ruffalo? Surprised I decided to leave Eisenberg out of the pictures?
The more I think about the ending to Now You See Me, the more I get angry at inconsistencies. That is what I get for thinking about a movie afterwards I guess. But alas, my burden to carry as a reviewer.

In a movie like this, there will be red herrings, because they know you are trying to guess the ending the entire time. After all, clearly the fifth horseman will be someone in the movie, not some random stranger popping up at the end! But when the reveal happens it just doesn’t seem to make much since the harder you look at the film.

The movie spends a decent amount of time focusing on explaining the tricks, thanks to Freeman’s character, but at the same time, there are things done only toby the power of CGI that kind of take the mysticism out of it. We are left wondering if magic is actually real in this movie, or if it is all explainable like the normal real world. Honestly, by the end, I am still not sure.

At the same time, it still was a bit entertaining. I think Woody Harrelson was my favorite player in the movie, by far. Which is great, because I finally saw Rampart recently and didn’t have a good time doing it. As the mentalist, he was pretty funny. Ruffalo was okay as the main cop character, but definitely not the type of role he is used to. After all, aside from The Avengers and this film, every role he has had has basically been in an indie movie.

Now You See Me did a good job of playing with our mind, giving every possible misdirection in the book. But it in no way will stand up to the previous mentioned magic films in a year or two. However, it is still at least a little bit cool.

2 out of 4

Movie 43

The thing I love most about Movie 43 is how easy it will be to review.

I mean, part of the point is not knowing much about the movie ahead of time before you see it. So I don’t have describe all the skits, just the main plot that tries to hold it all together.

Shit yeah! Oh, and so many tags. I am gonna tag the shit out of this movie.

I don’t have any obligation to tell you what Halle Berry is going to do with that Turkey Baster!

So here is the basic story, which is a piece of shit excuse to give you this movie. Sorry, that sounds negative. The point of this movie is a series of short skits all put together, that is all. Trying to put a plot behind them all? Probably won’t work well, but it technically gets to be the movie plot.

A crazy asshole (Dennis Quaid) is having a meeting with some big movie executive (Greg Kinnear). Why? You know fucking why, to sell a movie of course. Greg doesn’t like it, the movie is vulgar and bad, but when a gun is brought into the equation, maybe he will listen. Also featuring Will Sasso and Common.

What vulgar skits? We got Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet on a blind date, where Hugh is basically perfect. Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts are homeschooling their kid, Jeremy Allen White, and trying to give him the realest depressing experience ever.

Anna Faris wants Chris Pratt to poop on her. Kieran Culkin and Emma Stone are awkward.

Richard Gere doesn’t understand why people are sticking their dicks in the iBabe, nor does Jack McBrayer the scientist. Only person who gets it is Kate Bosworth.

There is a speed dating convention in the DC universe, with Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Bobby Cannavale, Kristen Bell, and Leslie Bibb all playing parts.

Jimmy Bennett is on a “Date” with Chloe Grace Moretz, who gets her period, and the older brother Christopher Mintz-Plasse freaks out. Seann Williams Scott is mad at his best friend Johnny Knoxville, but to make it up for him, he found a leprechaun (Gerard Butler).

Am I almost done? Fuck no!

Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant are on a blind date playing truth or dare! Terrence Howard says the same joke about black people and basketball over and over!


I was surprised too. Because this scene didn’t have any previews in the trailers. So I will just say Elizabeth Banks and Josh Duhamel.

Just seeing all those links man. It makes me dizzy.

Maybe I talked about the skits too much, maybe I didn’t. But basically all I mentioned was information you can learn in the trailer, which is unfortunately a lot of it. Problem is, some of the better jokes I already knew were coming and it ruined it a bit for me. I knew about most of the Home School scene, but I still thought it was one of the better ones. Poop quest ended up being better than advertised as well. My favorite scene, however, was the Batman based speed dating, but that could just be because I am a comic nerd. Either way, Jason Sudeikis made that scene his bitch, and I want more of that.

The movie started pretty uncomfortably too, with the blind date scene. No one really laughed right away at the sight gag, but eventually they just threw it in our face enough that it became funny.

I understand the movies only purpose is to do outrageous things, without a plot, but I am upset about the main story line. I hated how it ended. Pretty much a cop out. Even more strange is that only the American version features Quaid and company. Apparently international versions star three unknown kids searching the internet for a fabled movie and finding these clips. Pretty dang weird.

Yeah, most of it is dumb ass jokes, but eventually you just have to give in or else you will have a bad time. Easier to accept the laughs than to ignore them.

Unfortunately, it is still a pretty shit film, in the grand scheme of things. So there you go! Maybe watch with the buds eventually, while drinking, when it is rentable. That would be a better idea.

1 out of 4.

New Year’s Eve

Haha! Ha ha ha! See what I did there? [Future readers will note the posting date].

Because of the really fucking large cast of New Year’s Eve, I decided that all of my tags will not list the actor name in parenthesis like normal, just tag the character. You can see the name if you hover your mouse though. That will make it at least a small mystery, if you don’t care. Maybe fuck with you a bit. After all, something needs to make it more interesting.

Except for Ryan Seacrest. He only plays himself, always and forever. Just like Bloomberg.

YEAH ITS NEW YEAR’S EVE IN NEW YORK CITY. Time to party! Well, maybe. People gotta work, shit is still going down.

Like hospitals! Turns out people still are giving birth. But did you know at this specific NYC hospital, they have decided to give away a $10,000 prize to the couple who birthed the first baby of the new year. One Man/woman couple has been planning this out for months. The other man/woman just found out about it today. Who can push out a baby first? Also, doctors. They are a thing.

The opposite of babies is happening, people are getting old and dying. Like that one old guy. His doctor doesn’t know if he will make it to the new year. He might though, hopefully the daughter will make it in time. But until then, a nurse shall keep him company, despite her own “Date” that night to worry about.

One woman is fed up with the holiday mess. She has a boss who sucks, and wont give her time off despite already promising it. So she quits, and really wants to complete all the resolutions she made last year before the new year. Well, its impossible. But she gets a courier to help her anyways.

The courier’s sister is having problems with her daughter, who really wants to go out to times square for new years. The courier’s friend is jaded about new years, after a bad break up the previous year. He gets stuck on an elevator with an uppity girl, who really needs to get to times square for her job. What job? Back up singer to Jensen, huge celebrity who is performing on the main stage!

Turns out he only agreed to do this job, to get closer to an ex girlfriend of his. She runs a catering business, and demanded that she cater the very fancy party. Pretty sneaky sis. Too bad he also has to deal with very busty fan girls.

One man just watched his last single friend get married. He is the last one! But no worries, he has to go to NYC tonight anyways to do a speech for his work. Good year or something. But last year he met the woman of his dreams, just didn’t get her name. Will she be at the location that she promised to be at a year later? Just who is she?

But lastly, when you think of NYC NYE, you think of the ball drop. Someone has to run that thing, damn it. The woman in charge is on her first year, and is good friends with the head of police too. But there is an issue. The only way to fix it is to call back a fabled old mechanic, who they fired earlier in the year. Whoops. Awkward.

Nothing says a new year, like Ashton Kutcher, right?

I can honestly say that I found basically none of these plot lines that interesting. That seems like a big problem. Unlike Valentine’s Day, which had some storylines that I enjoyed (and still need to review!), this one had nothing for me. Shit, I also have to review New York, I Love You, another similar movie (Except rated R).

The best part of the movie for me is that I got paid $18 to have it. My first copy didn’t work, got it exchanged at Wal-Mart, they messed up the return (Which I pointed out), but laziness occurred, an I profited. Hey, that’d be reason enough to give a 4 out of 4 in my book. More people should give me money to own a movie.

1 out of 4.

The Odd Life Of Timothy Green

You know what sucks? Getting pregnant. Yes, not being pregnant, but getting to that point. I can tell you I have never been pregnant, and probably never will be pregnant, so I have to assume it is a pretty hard task to accomplish.

So why not make a movie about that, and little kids popping out like plants. Why not tell us about The Odd life Of Timothy Green?

Holding all this shit
“Oh shit, its hard to hold all these morals! They are dropping everywhere!”

The movie begins with Cindy (Jennifer Garner) and Jim Green (Joel Edgerton) at an adoption agency? Apparently it involves a lot of forms and an interview to plead their case. Under prior experience they have just “Timothy” listed, so now we get a flashback movie! Kind of a bummer, because it then kind of gives away how it ends. But eh, family movie.

The actual story begins with Cindy and Jim finding out they definitely can’t get pregnant. They spent a lot of money, but it won’t happen. Probably Cindy’s fault, who knows. Instead of moving on, they decide to have one drunken night, fantasizing what their kid would have been like. Funny, good at some sort of instrument, not athletic but will score the winning goal for a big game, lover of love, etc. They put this all in a box and bury their son in the garden. What’s that? Freak rain storm? Only over their house!

Hey look, a naked muddy boy is now running around in their house. Dude also has leaves coming out of his legs. That’s more normal. And his name is Timothy Green (CJ Adams). That is their last name! He is a plant with the last name of green. ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING THIS PEOPLE? MAGIC MAN, MAGIC!

Well, after a lot of awkwardness, they decide to not call the cops and just you know, have a son. Too bad they have a giant family picnic the next day and surprise, a kid! Hey, even Jim’s disapproving father (David Morse) showed up, but mostly to terrorize the kids. Cindy has her successful sister (Rosemarie DeWitt) with her multiple successful children also showing up, being all successful and shit. What a bitch.

Either way, Timothy quickly falls head over roots in love with some Joni (Odeya Rush), a girl who is a bit alternative. But hey, friendship. Because we all know what is going to happen to Timothy soon. That is right, he loses a leaf. Interestly enough, he has as many leaves as there were papers in that box. He lost a leaf as soon as he was able to make that uncle dude laugh, and they did want him to be as funny as that uncle dude. I wonder what could happen when all of the box is fulfilled and his leaves lost?

There is also the plot line of the town pencil factory going out of business, and maybe their boss (Ron Livingston) stealing Jim’s idea to save the plant! Oh, and everyone’s favorite actor/rapper with an annoying name Common plays the soccer coach.

That is why that asshole is wearing those socks. Covering up leaves and shit. So now he is the asshole swimming in socks instead. He should fit right in.

Basically, this was your typical family movie about discovering yourself, and a magic entity in your life, albeit temporarily. Laughs are had, lessons learned, and what it means to be a good human. I think.

Despite all that, I guess it was mildly entertaining. The movie also monkey paw’d me right in the throat, and I did not see it coming. Honestly, once I saw their box of attributes each represented a leaf, I immediately knew a few scenes that would happen. But maybe they don’t happen the way you expect em too. They might even have all this build up, just to fuck with you. Totally monkey paw’d.

2 out of 4.

Happy Feet Two

When I first saw Happy Feet, I loved it, minus the ending. Had an interesting plot, great jokes, some surprise pop culture references, songs/dance, and even some scary moments. Just the end was dumb and preachy, and felt super deus ex. Ending I hated!

I’ve seen it a lot the same, and I still think the same thoughts. That is good.

So what about Happy Feet Two? Well, as long as it doesn’t go preachy, and have a plot other than “baby penguin does something different, isn’t accepted, and eventually is accepted” then hell yeah, lets do this thing.

Fluffy back
These penguins are unfortunately “bringing fluffy back”.

Mambo (Elijah Wood) and Gloria (now Pink, since Brittany Murphy died) have a child! Yay! He just isn’t as good at dancing or singing yet (damn it…). Thanks to Ramon (Robin Williams, who also still does Lovelace too) the kids get separated and taken back to his land (where he wants to find love, preferably with Carmen (Sofia Vergara)).

There they find a new penguin that everyone loves. Sven, the flying penguin (Hank Azaria! And German-ish). While they are out and Mambo is looking for them, some ice sheets melt and move around! They crash into each other and Emporer land is now surrounded on all sides by large ice cliffs, and they are trapped in a valley. No way out!

Noah the Elder (Hugo Weaving) is still in charge, and he tries to keep calm with Seymour (Common. That big rapping penguin played by Fat Joe last movie. ANOTHER ACTOR CHANGE!), after figuring out escape is impossible. I would like to note that still having Noah be alive and in charge is weird, since Mambo’s parents are NO WHERE in this movie. I can’t believe that they got old and died, if that old one is still there. They are just ignored then.

Eventually the day is saved, and not by the methods that you might guess. Somehow the power of dance must be involved, after all. They even noted the Deus Ex feel of the last movie, and I thought they were about to fuck me over on that again, but don’t worry, it doesn’t work.

But the real stars of the the movie are Will and Bill the Krill.

I think it’s obvious which one Bill is.

The krill are voiced by Brat Pitt and Matt Damon, respectively. Will is a Krill who wants to get out of the swarm, discover the world, live in the now, become a predator and escape the bottom of the food chain! Bill is his friend who reluctantly goes along with him, trying to bring him back to his senses and is gay?

Yep! I think so, or at least he wants to raise a family with Bill, tons of children, not caring if they are both male. The scene after that he even sings Wham! making it seem very likely that Matt Damon has now played a gay Krill in his life. Definitely a bucket list check off.

But seriously, these two krill are awesome. Their story is woven through the rest of the story, at first you are unsure of why, but once it fully connects at the end, you will see why their journey is overall worth it and integral to the story.

Song wise, there seemed to be a bit less. Only the first song intro featured mash ups. One song in the movie at least was entirely original too, and was my least favorite. The first movie though had a whole lot of songs in the first bit, and then felt like it had nothing until dancing at the end. This one spreads them out a bit more, and the final song is “powerful” and almost made me cry in happiness.

The movie also has a lot more going on with the Elephant Seals, who were pointless in movie one, but also bring out a better ending and a very sad part about 1/3 of the way through.

Hey look. It is Sven! But what dark secrets does HE hold?

The sequel has a lot more plots than the first movie, a change I loved. Thankfully they don’t change who the main character is in this movie, and you know it is still mostly about Mambo. Overall though I felt like the songs in this movie were drastically weaker than the first. Improvement in that area would push the rating to the top, but everything else is great.

Especially the krill.

3 out of 4.

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