Tag: Brooklyn Decker

I am not going to get into the same old tirade of how I randomly picked this movie on a whim on Netflix. Mostly because I just gave you all that information in one sentence. Boom. Roasted.

No. Instead I want to talk about how surprising it is that I never heard about this movie Stretch, given its mostly big list of famous actors. This shouldn’t be some straight to DVD shitflick you find in the nonexistent $3 Wal-Mart DVD bins.

Well, Stretch was supposed to come out in March of this year, full on theatrical release, trailers, everything. But Universal Pictures decided to fuck that release date and kind of not want to do it anymore. So the director was able to look for other people to release it and nothing happened. So it wen’t back to Universal who decided to release it in “creative ways”. So early October it hit iTunes and Amazon, mid October it hit VOD services, and then onto Netflix, where of course, I first stumbled upon it, in order to give you this review.

I am not putting a gun to your head to see it, I just wanted to review it, jeez.

Let’s talk about Stretch (Patrick Wilson). He is a limo driver and yes that is his official name. Stretch wants to be an actor, why else would he live in LA? But life is going bad, and he blames it all on Candace (Brooklyn Decker) for breaking his heart after a year of dating. They met on a car crash, sure, he was still a limo driver then. Apparently she wanted more. He just wanted to gamble and do cocaine. But he is better now. He is going to turn his life around. Or else!

Because he also still owes gambling debts, and the piper is calling. He needs $6,000 by tonight, but life doesn’t just ever really hand him opportunities. He can’t even get acting gigs, after all.

Maybe if he just does his job really really really well, like Karl (Ed Helms) did. The best limo driver ever. Maybe he can get some high powered actors who will tip like crazy?

Well, luck is about to be on his side. An eccentric rich person! He just has to comply with all his demands, while his entire life is crumbling around him. Joy.

But who plays the eccentric rich person? Who?! Well, maybe it is one of these people: James Badge Dale, David Hasselhoff, Randy Couture, Chris Pine, Jason Mantzoukas, Norman Reedus, or Ray Liotta. Or maybe it is a woman, like Jessica Alba. Women can be eccentric to you know!

(Yes, all of those people are in this movie).

We will never be able to see a COCK like this on the big screen.

Holy poop in a limo (not a spoiler). Stretch was far more entertaining and interesting than I gave it credit for. I mean, straight to Netflix movie? Who gives a crap! Stretch is full of intense scenes, funny moments, darkly funny moments, and kind of action heavy. A lot went into this movie and I found it really hard to look away.

And the best part is, because it is so widely available right off the bat, I can recommend it to people. Stretch might finally be my next Flypaper. Flypaper was a completely unknown movie, with some people I recognized in it, that I figured would suck. And hey, I liked it a lot. It is my favorite reason for watching probably bad movies. It is all about finding those that rise above their cover and actually present something worthwhile to watch, hopefully multiple times.

Maybe it is a bit disconcerting that I can now only think of two titles that really fit the build, but eh, fuck you for thinking about numbers that I brought up.

Stretch was highly entertaining and way more unique despite what may seem from its premise. Patrick Wilson carried the movie through his narration and humorous acting. Sure, parts of the ending you can see come from miles away, and that leads to some weaker moments. But I think this limo ride is totally worth it.

Turning popular board games into movies is not a new thing, it is just not too common. Hopefully the next one is some disaster film by Michael Bay, involving Hungry Hungry Hippos. But really, why not board game movies? I can only think of one of the top of my head, Clue, and Clue is amazing. So why not Battleship? Sure, it is basically two naval units firing randomly into the abyss to hit the other, because fuck your radar.

Can they turn that into a full fledged naval war movie? Or will they just cop out and throw in some Aliens?

Yep. Fucking Aliens. Never mind the Michael Bay thing. He’d just make the Hippos become aliens as well.

Back in the mid 2000s, NASA has discovered a “Plant-G” with similar situations for life compared to earth. It is just super far away. So they send a giant ass beacon to that planet, hoping for a response. About six years later in 2012, they get one. But first! Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is a local slacker in Hawaii, and his brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgård) is a Commander in the Navy. He does not approve. Especially when he flirts with the Admiral’s daughter, Sam (Brooklyn Decker).

He does what anyone would do in this situation. He joins the Navy from the pressure, and six years later finds himself as a Lieutenant! Yeah. Even better, he has been dating Sam, and now wants to marry her. Just has to ask the Admiral (Liam Neeson) for his blessing first. This has a lot of nothing to do with Battleships, so lets move on. Woo, navy games with other countries involved in Hawaii! Too bad the Aliens show up and confuse everyone. Four ships, to be exact, land into the ocean, with a fifth one breaking apart and crash landing into Hong Kong. Whoops.

When the ships go close to investigate, a force shield is brought down trapping only three ships in its grasps! One lead by Stone, one with Alex on it, and the other lead by Captain Yugi Nagata (Tadanobu Asano) of Japan. Due to certain circumstances (death), Alex also finds him the new Captain of the ship, and he has to figure out how to bring down the Alien threat, while his girlfriend, a man without legs, and a scientist try and stop the aliens from signaling home. Also, Rihanna is here, doing some stuff.

Doin’ some stuff on some computers, gettin’ her pew pew pew on.

So here is something cool. You are probably wondering how randomly firing into the ocean makes this movie eh? Well, turns out the Aliens turn off their Radar, so they kind of have to blind fire. Because it is by Hawaii, there are tsunami warning buoys throughout the ocean. They access that information, to try and determine where the Aliens are currently swimming by the rise in elevation of the tide at that point. Then they fire at the buoys to hit them. Thankfully they have short quick names like, B7, allowing the firing to become quicker and more easier.

Cheesy? Yes. But I like that they incorporated the game in some how.

But that is all I liked. This did basically feel and look like Transformers, if all the Transformers were giant machines that became sea dragons. Dialogue and plot was crap. Epic sea battles didn’t really happen. Mostly ships got destroyed, and one was able to survive and fight back. Slowly. The scenes on the island trying to stop the aliens on foot? Eh, wasn’t a fan of those either.

Basically, it was another mainstream action movie that I found boring. Can’t believe anyone would be surprised at this point!

Babies, babies, so many babies. Well not as many babies (or as intense) as the movie Babies, but there is still quite a few in What To Expect When You’re Expecting.

Also, as you’d expect, there is a lot of talk about genitalia, so if you hate the word vagina, or the many different versions of that word possible, you might be uncomfortable in this film. But you don’t have to see any. Not like in Babies.

“Now I want y’all to repeat after me: penis, penis, penis; vagina, vagina, vagina!”

Given the large nature of this comedy, and the fact that it is about 5~ different couples/storylines that are loosely connected going through pregnancy related stories, this is another review where I just have to show off the different characters. Yay ‘easy’ to type plot lines.

Jules (Cameron Diaz) is a fitness instructor for a Biggest Loser like show, and on a Dancing With The Stars like show, with professional dancer Evan (Matthew Morrison). They have a few month fling, and whoops pregnant. So they have to try their hand at a relationship, that is scrutinized in the tabloids/media, while they fight over every baby thing, but mostly just circumcision.

Holly (Jennifer Lopez) can’t actually have a baby and wants to adopt. But her husband Alex (Rodrigo Santoro) seems to be having a problem getting into the adoption process fully. They also have to deal with monetary issues, and looking for a new house, while Alex is forced to join a Dad Squad. A group of new~ dad’s (Chris Rock, Rob Huebel, Amir Talai, Thomas Lennon) who go on long walks with their kids, talk about problems, support each other, don’t judge, and also weirdly idolize a local athlete (Joe Manganiello).

Rosie (Anna Kendrick) runs a cheese based food truck with her friends, competing with the other local food trucks, including a pork based food truck ran by Marco (Chase Crawford). They almost had a fling in high school, but bad things happened and they never hit it off. But once the heat of the competition happens, they find themselves in a one night sexy time, which of course, leads to pregnancy. Now they have to try to figure out what to do, when they aren’t even in a real relationship.

Wendy (Elizabeth Banks) runs a strange mother shop, full of pregnancy items and books and accessories, and has been trying for two years to get pregnant with her husband Gary (Ben Falcone). Once it finally occurs, she is so happy, yet she seems to get none of the benefits of pregnancy, only the negative side effects. Where is her glow damn it? She also has an assistant to help run her shop, Janice (Rebel Wilson) who has no idea about anything.

But unfortunately for them, Gary’s dad is a big hot shot race car driver. Or else he used to be. Now Ramsey (Dennis Quaid) lives in a mansion, and has everything going right for him (minus his relationship with his son). He even has a younger (than his son) wife, Skyler (Brooklyn Decker). And after one try, boom pregnant as well. And twins! She also has the perfect pregnancy, no problems at all, keeps her amazing looks, and no worries.

So pretty much everything that could deal with pregnancy at all, involving adoption, fertilization, marriage problems, weight gain, miscarriages, c-sections, drugs, PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING EVER, that could deal with the babies. You know, so you can expect it all.

The female Jonah Hill was in this movie. Almost everything said is quotable.

So yeah, pregnancy, am I right?

True story, I laughed in this film, and maybe even cried. Some stuff was touching, and I almost was going to be pissed at the ending (but thankfully the event in question didn’t happen).

Really this movie is like four movies in one, all with the topic of starting a family. Some of these movies would be great on their own too, such as the Kendrick/Chase plot line. Loved it. I think the Banks/Falcone + Quaid storyline would make on its own a decent movie as well, but it is kind of the main plot line in this movie so not as necessary. Diaz/Morrison? That one was pretty weak. Lopez/Santoro would have probably just been a lame comedy, in the vein of Grown Ups or Daddy Day Care.

But man, was Rebel Wilson pretty funny. Most of the time. Good for her. Anna Kendrick also kicked ass, and not just because of my mini-crush on her. Glad she is out of the Twilight films now, so she can do more roles, instead of 5s of footage in those films.

I have been avoiding “Jennifer Aniston movies” recently, for some unknown reason. Mostly because she has just been in wayyyy too many Romantic Comedies lately, helping flood the market. So I figured my first one back in awhile would be an “Adam Sandler movie” that has her in it too. Sure it’d probably still have a lot of RomCom elements, but a lot more focused on the comedy elements. A ComRom, I guess!

And plus, he is good with the kids!

Just Go With It begins with a ridiculous concept and runs with it. Adam Sandler is a skeezeball. Sure, it begins with him getting dumped (dude has a big nose, who just wanted his money). But instead he becomes a plastic surgeon, gets rid of the nose, and realizes he can wear a wedding ring, talk about how he is about to get divorced / left at the alter, and pick up chicks. One night stands for the win!

Aniston is his assistant at his clinic, and doesn’t agree with the methods. Well one night he meets Brooklyn Decker, who he really connects with, and they have sex! Yes! This time without the wedding ring though, which she finds in his pocket. Now she thinks she is a home wrecker. He quickly has to make up a story of how he is getting divorced and find a woman to play his soon to be ex wife. Guess who?

Needless to say, things get super complicated, as a trip to Hawaii ends up happening, and the kids of Aniston are involved. Similarly, somehow, Aniston’s rival, Nicole Kidman and her husband Dave Matthews are there, so she needs to pretend she has a husband as well. Also, Nick Swardson is playing her pretend boyfriend for Brooklyn’s sake.

Got all of that? A normal rule of improvisation is to never say no, negatives don’t work. You kind of just have to…go with it. So other people may put you in awkward situations, but you most play off of that. Thus the title, thus the humor. Also, Kevin Nealon is addicted to plastic surgery, and is quite scary.

Behold! No, his face. Not the other thing.

Despite the horrible plot that obviously has no chance of success at achieving his goal (you know, just dating Brooklyn Decker, for real), it was a pretty funny movie. Of course by the end Adam and Jennifer find out they really want each other, and make it so, but there is enough hilarious moments that had me “lol”ing by myself, which is good.

Well played, Jennifer Aniston. Well played.