Tag: Billy Crystal

André the Giant is a man who lived up to his stage name. A giant was he, his disease for us to enjoy.

He wasn’t always giant. He grew up normally, but it was discovered in his later teen years. He grew up in a small French village, but once he became large, he got into smaller wrestling leagues around the world. Like Japan, where he was big in Japan. Eventually, he made it to the USA, and the rest is history.

Andre the Giant is a documentary that not only tells of the career and life until his death of Mr. The Giant, but also the rise of wrestling in the United States, the rise of the McMahons, and the rise of cable TV.

All of these stories intersect and tell a complete picture of America and wrestling over the decades.

And they all loved him for his big shoes.

It still yet tells an even bigger picture than all of that. This documentary questions what it means to be a legendary entity, to be a real life tall tale, still before everything was shared across the world. All we have now about Andre are his clips and the stories his friends have told about him.

Featuring commentary from some of his friends and coworkers, including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Billy Crystal, Cary Elwes, Hulk Hogan, Rob Reiner, Robin Wright, and Vince McMahon.

Overall, I don’t think this is a documentary that you will only enjoy if you like wrestling. I haven’t liked wrestling in a long time, but the stories make it worth it.

Andre had a big heart. He touched a lot of lives. And shit, there is not a lot you can say in analysis about this documentary.

3 out of 4.

Small Apartments is another example of a film I picked to watch merely on the bizarre cover. Nothing really out of the ordinary in terms of subject matter, it was just faces of a few cast members. But those faces? Those faces were weird looking.

A bunch of actors I recognized, just all slightly off. I was ready for a dark comedy, or just strange film. Or at least, I thought I was ready for that jelly.

Basically the first scene of the film. I WASN’T READY!

Franklin Franklin (Matt Lucas) lives alone in his apartment, in an apartment complex of weird people. He isn’t any different. He really loves Switzerland, wants to go there, has the giant fucking horn thing and everything. He also is hairless. Relevant? Not sure. He also has the dead body of his landlord (Peter Stormare) on his floor.

He is surrounded by other odd folk, like Tommy Balls (Johnny Knoxville), a junkie with an almost philosophy degree (who is banging Rebel Wilson on the side). There is Simone (Juno Temple) who sometimes spies on Franklin, and flirts with the local convenience store employee (DJ Qualls). Let’s not forget about Mr. Allspice (James Caan) who I guess is just mean. That’s not really weird.

Shit, I could tell you more, but its just…Weird stuff. Weird stuff happens. Conspiracies, and investigators. Burned bodies and burned bridges (that second part is a metaphor, but the first part is literal). We also have James Marsden, Billy Crystal, and Dolph Lundgren.

I never realized Knoxville had the eyes of an angel.

I think I already said this, but man, this movie was weird. I really wasn’t prepared for it in any way.

Everyone was so odd, I just had such a huge quizzical look on my face the whole time, wondering what was happening and why. This is based on a book. I am going to assume the book is equally odd.

I am going to say that based on how rustled my jimmies were, the movie did its job. The actors, in particular Matt Lucas and Johnny Knoxville, were really excellent in this movie.

The issue is, because of its weirdness, I never really felt like I could get behind it. It didn’t really interest me in watching for a movie, it just piqued my curiosity a little bit. A movie I will remember for a little bit, but forget unless it is specifically brought up. A shame. And I feel weird saying the only reason I dislike it is because I couldn’t really get into it, but hey, it’s my website, so sometimes I have lame reasons. Hah!

1 out of 4.

I will say this right up front: I was not looking forward to Monsters University at all. First off, I thought the first film, Monsters Inc. was only okay. More importantly, I think doing prequels is generally very lazy writing. Monsters Inc. gave us not only a lot of character development, but also entire society development. Doing a prequel basically says fuck you, we are going to ignore all of that change and go back to the original ideas from our movie instead.

This is also Pixar‘s first attempt at a “college” movie, and what better way to parody all of the college movie stereotypes by using monsters?

I am starting to think that purple dude on the left is just a manifestation of the other guys mustache. Monsters University takes place when our heroes are freshmen in college at (you guessed it), Monsters University. There is more than one college in the area, don’t worry, the boring sounding one is just the one they both picked. Mike (Billy Crystal) wanted to go there his whole life to train to become a Scarer, while Sully (John Goodman) was basically bred to be a  Scarer like his famous father.

Basically, Sully gets to be the jock that has everything handed to him, but he doesn’t take it seriously, so he does really bad on all the tests. Mike is not scary at all, but he studies enough, so he knows everything to do in every situation! Classic nerd. Either way, both of them get into hot water when their constant bickering gets them kicked out of the Scarer program. Dean Hardscrabble (Helen Mirren) isn’t fucking around. She is also terrifying by the way.

This forces our heroes to join the “lame frat” on campus, having to turn a group of losers into the scariest monsters in school, in order to get back on their career track to be the best Scarer team Monstropolis has ever seen. A lot of famous people voice random monsters in this movie too. Steve Buscemi returns to his role from the previous film, but we also have new comers with Charlie Day and Aubrey Plaza.

Seriously, check this bitch out. Dragon wings to fly and centipede body for cackling down a hall. Utterly terrifying. Originally I was going to ignore the first film for this review, to try and go in watching it as neutral as possible, but it turns out, I actually liked Monsters University more than Monsters Inc. Maybe it is the subject matter (College, yay!), or maybe it is actually just a better structured film overall.

Obviously we know that somehow our heroes will end up coming out on top by the end of the film, because “Monsters Inc.” has already happened, and they are clearly Scarers. What we don’t know, is just how twisted and strange that journey actually ended up being. I was shocked at the clever ways the story developed, while also maintaining a parody vibe in relation to other famous college movies.

What did bug me was the ending. It felt like it dragged on near the end, so I found myself getting a little bit fidgety, hoping it would get to the point. It wasn’t as bad as the ending to The Lord Of The Rings: The Return of the King, but it still took its time at the finish line.

I also think they did a poor job of showing that there are other majors and departments in the university outside of fields related to Scaring. After all, in Monstropolis, Scaring is just one job profession, and they still have scientists, mathematicians, historians, and all of that, but the only classes that ended up getting shown related to Scaring. Sure, they had a dancing major, but outside of a casual mention, they could have shown a quick clip of a class. They even mentioned scaring in their school song. Now imagine a university doing that with just one department, like Physics. Pretty messed up yo.

3 out of 4.

Normally I do my movie prep right before I see a movie, not months. But hey, turns out I never watched Monsters Inc., and some other variant of the movie is coming out this summer. But it was in 3D!…Which kind of makes this a new release…which means I can review it. Kind of like how I did a review for Cars, despite having no good reason for that one.

THREE DIMENSIONS THOUGH. WHY NOT.

Imagine this face popping out at you.

Monsters Inc. is the dark and twisted tale, of transdimensional travel and the energy crisis. Thanks to the onslaught of violent video games, tv shows, and the moral fabric of society falling, kids have become emotionless zombies that can no longer react to fear as a stimuli. This has a big effect on the Monster society, another dimension away from the human world.

They have not only perfected transdimensional travel between the worlds, but they can go to any home in which a closet exists, and have each one labeled and organized to go wherever they want. They have also figured out how to refine the screams of children into portable energy. But as I already stated, the screams are lowering. Sure, some monsters, Sully (John Goodman) and Randall (Steve Buscemi) are approaching record breaking numbers, but it is probably due to the apathy of the other workers realizing their jobs are at risk and their world as they know it is crashing around them.

Mike (Billy Crystal), Sully’s partner is too engulfed in the race to notice the crisis, and to smitten with a receptionist Celia (Jennifer Tilly) to realize the changes.

The drive for more scares engulfs Randall and Sully, so much that they end up doing whatever they can to get ahead of the other. Randall, the lesser scarer of the two being born with a smaller frame, has to rely on his intellect to give him an edge, much like the common ancestors of our past began to make tools to fight off the mammoths. He is smart enough to realize that the human kids are not actually poisonous to touch, but that was instead a message spread around just to increase work performance in these tough times. If you are scared of them, you will be more willing to try and scare them as much as possible.

Randall actually invents a machine to extract and force screams from not only children, but any source, monsters, whatever. Presumably beta testing is over, and now he has one test subject less, a girl who is named Boo. Boo is immune to fear in the traditional sense, referring to monsters as kitties. If his machine can work on her, it can work on anyone, and Monstropolis can continue to be prosperous.

But Sully, for whatever reason, is afraid of change. He made his record, and he doesn’t believe in that new form of science. Maybe because he hasn’t tested it himself. Either way, despite not knowing the full story, he decides to do everything in his power to get Boo back to her room, because that will protect her somehow.

It isn’t until he discovers and alternative form of energy from the children, through laughter, does he begin to accept change. It is stronger than the average scream, but is it easier to get laughs through the same manual labor process versus machine work? Does he really only care about the laugh method because he found it out first? Or maybe he is going around his boss, Mr. Waternoose (James Coburn), just to take over his job by the end?

Is Monsters Inc. really a story about how unions are a good thing, and that innovation through technological advancements leads to loss of jobs, in order to be more efficient?

For whatever reason, she reminded me of Katy Perry.

So why not talk about Monsters University? Seems like an odd direction to take the franchise. A prequel, 10 years before Inc. This will be a movie about how all the characters we know learned about each other and developed friendships. I am expecting it to be 100% Monster, 0% Human. After all, humans will still be poisonous or whatever. I think it would have a bit more interesting have a real sequel, what that would be about, I have no idea.

I think the over all plot was a fine one, minus a lot of instances where I didn’t understand the character actions. Such as taking Boo from the Sushi shop, when they could have left here there, ran away and been done with the problem. Or the door factory chase scene.

The 3D was good and felt natural. Since the movie was made in 2D, it was just there for rounding, not having shit fly at you, which was nice. Billy Crystal made his character his bitch, like normal. The rest of the voice work was relatively okay.

Over all, I don’t see the hyper I originally heard from the movie. Way better than Cars though.

2 out of 4.

Three major movies came out on Christmas Day in theaters, but they all cannot be winners. Parental Guidance reminds us of that fact. Normally reserved for movies with a little bit more umph, Parental Guidance is the other side of movies, the family friendly bunch. Apparently, families sometimes go out to see movies on Christmas. Guess there is only so much bonding time you can allow between the presents and food eating before you snap.

“Alright fuck it, you kids put away your new toys! Time to watch a movie!”

I honestly think I wrote the intro to this review in my sleep. Does it make any sense?

Artie Decker (Billy Crystal) talks a lot, and for a good reason. He is a baseball announcer, has been most of his life, just for minor league teams. Just one day, one day, maybe he will work for the San Francisco Giants. But not if he goes and get fired for not being tech savvy enough. Whoops. His wife (Bette Midler) tries to be supportive, but eh, life sucks.

Speaking of life sucks, their only daughter Alice (Marisa Tomei) has three kids of her own, an overachieving oldest daughter, Harper (Bailee Madison), a younger son Turner (Joshua Rush) with a stutter, and a little boy Barker (Kyle Harrison Breitkopf) who ha imaginary friends and is overly hyper. But her husband (Tom Everett Scott) is a smart one, and he made a smart house after many many years. He is even winning an award, gets to go to some place in California for it. A nice vacation for the two of them, but all these kids and responsibilities…

Oh no, the only people are available are her parents! Their old fashioned life style can’t possibly interact with the new way of raising children, all sugar free, never saying negative things, letting them eat and dress themselves, technology enabled, never losing, and full of derp.

Frankly, I think she deserves this for wearing such an awkward looting sweater dress.

I think I tried hard to not have a bias going into this movie, but the movie sure did its best to strengthen the bias. I should note that Billy Crystal didn’t suck in this movie, after all, he is Billy Fucking Crystal. His character provided laughs and made the film a bit better than horse shit. I think that is what the director was counting on though.

The problem is that every time some good moments almost seemed to go together to make it a decent scene or moment, the film pace changed to crash it into a head palm moment. Not in the “Oh great, now the kids are back and annoying” or anything. Just certain decisions were pretty damn annoying.

Best non Billy Crystal part? Gedde Watanabe was in the movie. Here is one of his great scenes from UHF.

1 out of 4.

Pitch for this movie: “You know how we like to have former wrestlers, or action people, do emasculating things for our entertainment! Well what about a Tutu?! But not a Ballerina…a Tooth Fairy maybe!”

Surprised actually that the whole movie isn’t just him dancing in this. For 90 minutes.

Dwayne Johnson plays a hockey player. Hells yeah! But not in the NHL, the “Lansing Ice Wolves”, a make believe team that is a feeder team to the LA Kings. He used to be good at scoring and stuff, but in one fight he knocked out some guys teeth. They started to call him the Tooth Fairy, and then he turned into a large defensemen who hits hard and fights hard.

He is dating Ashley Judd, who has two kids. Because kids don’t scare him! But he does kind of tell the daughter the Tooth Fairy isn’t real, for gambling monies. So he gets a summons.

And bam. Tooth Fairy world. Oh he is being punished for making people not believe? They use their belief to actually do magic, fly, and tooth fairy stuff? Stephen Merchant is his fairy case worker, has no wings, and Julie Andrews is the head fairy, punishing him? That’s crap. He has a couple of weeks of fairy duty, in which when beckoned, he must show, sprouts wings, costume and everything.

So he has to deal with his punishment, using a big bag of tricks to get the job done, while also trying to not screw up his love life (relationship with not his kids), and maybe get his hockey career back on track, from thug to stud, before some young wanna-be Crosby takes away all the attention he used to have.

Now assuming this movie is good, it is about getting your life back on track, and hockey, and magic. Hopefully they don’t try to ruin it with some direct to video sequel.

Oh god no.

But was it good?

I have a problem with movies that claim certain things are real, despite the characters best wisdom. If it was a kid discovering that Santa was real, that can be fine. But if it was a parent discovering that Santa was real, despite years of placing out presents pretending to be Santa…does that make sense to you? Same situation with the Tooth Fairy. They put out the money themselves, and even replaced it one The Rock took it. Clearly there was a precedence of them always placing money for teeth. Yet also there are tooth fairies that do that for real, and somehow the parents also do it?

Fuck that noise. In movie watching we call that shit nonsensical and a plot hole. I can accept a world where the tooth fairy, magic, Santa, big foot, all that exists. I cannot accept a movie where they exist, and characters actions contradict their existence.

Although there was amusing moments, for sure. Watching the Rock get the teeth was entertaining, I will give you that. But even the hockey moments, of which they are numerous, was iffy. If you know the rules of hockey, the games don’t make sense at all. Penalties on fair plays, and bad plays no calls. And they aren’t that many scenes. So that inaccuracy just seems silly, especially since they try hard to get even names of the actual Kings at the time right.

Alright. The amount of plot holes and inaccuracies just ruined it overall for me. Easy fixes too. But Billy Crystal‘s two scenes were hilarious.

1 out of 4.