Fuck. I watched Scary Movie 4 before this, even though I swore it off after seeing Scary Movie 3. Fuck my need to be a completionist.
Fuckkkkk.
Basically, long story short, Scary Movie 5 is a parody of Mama more so than Paranormal Activity 4. So hey, that’s unexpected. The trailers didn’t really show any Mama scenes. But the other major movie “parodied” is Black Swan, with a scene from Inception, and an even shorter scene from Sinister. Hell, they even have the new Evil Dead in there, but it is obvious (if not by the timing alone) that it is based only on the trailer for Evil Dead, not the actual movie. Oh yeah, Rise of the Planet of the Apes too, because why not?
BUT AM I DONE? NO. Also Zero Dark Thirty, and The Help. THE HELP? WHAT? WHY? That doesn’t even remotely get near the topic of the title.
Okay, calm down self. You can’t freak out this early.
Either way, Jody (Ashley Tisdale) and Dan (Simon Rex) are able to find his brother’s missing kids in a cabin in the woods. They are all weird now, the oldest talks of some entity Mama that is helping them out. They get to stay in a kick ass home, with lots of surveillance, where paranormal things happen. Their housekeeper (Lidia Porto) is very religious of course. Dan is a scientist trying to make Apes smarter, and Jody wants to get back to her ballerina roots like her mother. So she tries out for Black Swan, and has a rival (Erica Ash).
There is also a narrator, who sounds a lot like Morgan Freeman, but it is not Morgan Freeman, I repeat, it is not Morgan Freeman! They did it to make you think he was in the movie. It’s all a lie, so he shall not be tagged.
Yep. Taken from the trailer, clearly.
If you need a recap of where the Scary Movie franchise went wrong, see my review of A Haunted House. Yes, A Haunted House is a much better film than Scary Movie 5, no question about it.
It has only a couple of the scenes from the trailer actually in it, which is a pretty annoying habit that needs to die out. Instead of having an overall unifying plot, it feels instead like a bad sketch comedy show (given the over-exaggerated everything), with scenes that barely fit together just to include some pop culture references in it. But Scary Movie arguably only talks about 3 horrors, and fills the rest with a thriller, a suspense, and a movie about apes! That isn’t even appropriate for something called Scary Movie. Bad movie makes, bad!
I went in expecting bad things, and well, this time it came true. I think I heard giggles once in my theater, two days after it came out. I actually did laugh out loud once, and it was because of something the narrator said. But other than that, this film might have been better titled Silent Movie given the reaction from the audience.
Also, Usher isn’t in the IMDB credits yet, but he totally has a dance scene, so I wanted to draw extra attention to him.
This is the 400th movie review! Most of my milestone reviews were based off of the Twilight films, which were also reviews 150, 200, 250, and 350.
There is a clear gap in there for the theme, because when I hit 300, Breaking Dawn part 1 wasn’t out yet. Well, part 2 isn’t out yet either. Not even in theaters. So for 300 I instead did all of the High School Musicals.
So what is the point? Well for 400 I wanted to try and keep to some theme, if I could, which is why I present to you, Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure, the TV movie spin-off of the High School Musicals!
So…damn…pink.
I know what you are thinking. Or at least should be, if you saw the High School Musicals. Why the hell Sharpay?? She is of course played by Ashley Tisdale, but she is the “villain” of the series. A rich girl who thinks she deserves everything, and had most things until the new kid came around.
No one liked her, why does she get a spinoff. Why not her twin brother and that glasses chick who got into Julliard? Or that “pop it and lock it” girl that is behind the scenes in all the movies?
She actually went on to star in something called Fat Camp.
But no, Sharpay. Alright. It begins with her singing and dancing! Like she always does. This time at her parents country club though. Apparently this place is such a small town with no opportunity, yet a country club with filthy rich people. That would explain all the different background kids in one high school.
Yet somehow, there is a guy from NEW YORK CITY there, and he wants her to come down an audition.
After some convincing with her parents, she is allowed to go to NYC! But if she doesn’t land the gig or have anything after 1 month, she must go back to the town and get a real job with her dad. Like, gross!
But the apartment she planned for doesn’t allow dogs. Bitch please. She gets kicked to the curb, all her pink luggage and shit.
Pink luggage and shit.
Then some guy starts filming her, which often happens in NYC. Oh whats that, its her moms friends son who is in the area, and supposed to look out for her, Austin Butler?? How convenient. Speaking of convenient, he also knows of a studio apartment open in his building. Not as big, or fancy. But allows dogs.
His head is actually always that shape and angle. The whole movie.
But when Sharpay gets to the audition…turns out it was for her dog instead? What the fuck. No it was not her missing the meaning, the guy in his email or in person never actually said it was for the dog. Oh well, “Hilarious missunderstanding!”
The dog will star along Cameron Goodman, a fake broadway celebrity, in “A Girl’s Best Friend”, about a girl and her dog with big dreams of making it big in NYC. Yes. It somehow mirrors Sharpay’s life. The directors (Alec Mapa and Jack Plotnick) like her dog a lot, but unfortunately the little boy, Bradley Steven Perry, and his dog are also kick ass.
Pictured: Spoiled rich kid with talented dog, who is not Sharpay.
So the directors do the only thing they know how. Cast both dogs, until one is clearly better. Causing them to compete and play jokes on each others time to shine. Stay classy, Sharpay.
Sharpay even becomes the personal assistant to Cameron, hoping to get on her good side. But it turns out, Cameron is a huge bitch. She hates the whole idea, and the dogs. Hell, on the day before the main dress rehearsal, she tries to cut out the dog part completely. What?
That powder is made from puppies.
So Sharpay eventually goes off on Cameron. Telling her all she learned about how much of a bitch she is (and Sharpay used to be). The star storms off, and Sharpay is kicked out. But thanks to Austin filming her all the time, they find out Sharpy knows all of the scenes for the musical, because Cameron refuses to come back at all. They quickly hire her back, as the stand in star, and she stars in her own musical! And she also isn’t a bitch anymore.
What do you mean this looks like guys and dolls?
So overall, how was the movie?
Well uhh. Surprisingly it was pretty decent. WHAT?
Yes. Taking the hated character, and giving her a spin-off with ridiculous dreams of starring in Broadway, and ending up in one with her dog. Yes. It was decent.
The plot? Not the best. The musical that she happens to get to help and star in matching her own travel to NYC? That is stupid as shit. The final song didn’t even sound that good. Tisdale’s voice is not good enough to star in a Broadway thing. (She was a last minute replacement for this one. But we are to assume she stayed a star.)
There wasn’t as many songs as I expected. Pretty much two near the end, the opening number, and Sharpay/the kid both auditioning singing the same song with their dog. There was some other “popular music” in it, but they were covers. For some reason, the guy who played her twin in the HSMs did a cover of Baby in the background.
But despite all this, for a character so fake and uncaring, some how her transformation into a kinder person seemed real. You believed she had changed her ways, if only because there was a bigger bitch in town. She was even willing to risk her whole “Career” and go back home to do a real job, just to do what was right.
Of course then you can get into how unnatural the plot unfolded. So the bad set up was a big part of the blame. The just okay music was disappointing. But, somehow I liked the last half.
Welcome to my 300th movie review! I know what you are thinking. “Hey! But this is 3 movies? Shouldn’t this be 300, 301, and 302??”
Well, originally sure. But I really wanted to make sure my number of posts was equal to my number of reviewed movies. Easier for me to keep track of.
So my 300th movie review will be three movies that I count as one, and will just call them different Acts. If you missed it, here are my 150th, 200th, and 250th reviews. Why is this not the next twilight movie? Because I will be damned if I watch that in theaters where people can see me. Nope, alone in the room is the only way to go.
This story begins not in a high school. Our star, basketball hot shot Zac Efron (Troy) is at a ski resort for New Years. He just wants to play basketball with his dad, but his mom makes him go to a youth social. That is where he randomly has to perform a duet with Vanessa Hudgens (Gabrielle), who is nerdy. Neither wants to, but it turns out they both kick ass and sing well together. If only they hadn’t just met.
NOW TO HIGH SCHOOL. Oh man, Gabrielle randomly transfers to their high school. Awkward. No one knows Troy sings. He quickly sticks with his own group and friend, Corbin Bleu (Chad), and she gets an overachieving friend, Monique Coleman (Taylor). This is already too much plot. They get forced to try out to sing in the Spring musical kind of, much to the dismay of Ashley Tisdale (Sharpay) and Lucas Grabeel (Ryan), twins who run the theater at this school. But maybe if the composer, Olesya Rulin (Kelsi) can write the perfect duet, they can out perform the twins and get the lead roles. Even if the callbacks are during the championship game, and the quiz bowl thing.
Best Song?
My favorite song from this was “When There Was Me And You” by Gabrielle. Pretty much everything she sings is way too good for most of the other people, since they focus less on gimicks. This takes place after the friends have successfully tricked Troy into locker room talk, and saying he doesn’t care about her. Because boys with feelings are dumb! So the school is stoked, so he can “Keep his head in the game” and win the state championship! And she is all wtf. (This is after they make callbacks, but before they happen. Yes they fix it before callbacks).
Worst Song?
The worst song in this movie has got to be “Stick To The Status Quo” sung by everyone not Troy/Gabrielle. First, it takes place in the worst looking cafeteria ever (not practical, but they use that in each movie). Second, the message is horrible (on purpose, obviously). If you don’t feel like watching, it is people who are now willing to talk about their weirder passions, since Troy is a singer now, and everyone telling them to keep that shit inside. Bury it way deep. Cant be cool if you step outside the bounds.
Also, fun fact. In a South Park making fun of this, they show a scene from the first movie…and I thought it was fake. But that shit is pretty much identical to this song.
Yay everything from the first one worked out and nothing happens this movie! Just kidding. Taking place almost immediately after, the only High School part of this movie is the beginning (opposite of the last one). No, it is summer. Much like what the first song will drill into your head. But everyone has to get a job. Everyone. And because Troy is a big star now, they all can get jobs at the country club where the Twins planned on relaxing in peace.
WELL TOO BAD. YOU NOW HAVE THE WHOLE HIGH SCHOOL THERE. And eventually a musical is going to happen there too. Troy keeps getting all these awesome gigs, because he is awesome, and gets farther away from his friends, stuck with shitty jobs. Until he realizes that, and fixes it, and everyone has a good time again. Except for the Twins.
Worst Song?
I have to do the Worst Song first, because it happens early on. This is woman twin, being the worst kind of person ever. But the song “Fabulous” seems like it was written for the most stereotypical gay guy ever, not her. Either way. Holy shit is this character not only a Bitch, bu clearly way too annoying. Next thing you know she will get her own spinoff.
Other Worst Song?
Hah. Just kidding. As you will find out I HATE this movie. Either way, this is another early song. All the people are mad that they have shitty jobs, but don’t worry. Why don’t worry? Because Troy isn’t worried. It will all be good. They just have to “Work This Out”, together. (And as you know, it works out for him, not them. FORESHADOWING!!)
Ah, summer is over…and well shit. This one begins the final basketball game of Senior year. Afterall, they don’t care anymore that a guy can sing and play ball. Its all good.
What bugs me though is they make it seem like Troy is a freshman in the first movie. Made it seem like he was the youngest on the team. BUT NOW THEY ARE ALL SENIORS SO WHO CARES. Because now they won two years in a row. So to celebrate after the season, of course another musical is in the works. But this time after this is college. Where will people go? Gabrielle is smart and got into Stanford! Troy is not smart, and his parents want him to go to their old school and play ball.
But wait there is more! Julliard also will be coming by to watch the final musical. Why? Because they have only one scholarship for between Ryan/Sharpay/Troy/Kelsi (for composing). Yes. They are all being looked at, just them four, for one spot. No, that doesn’t make any sense. But whatever.
Anyways. In this movie, they almost break up again and have prom, and eventually all decide on their future. Troy picks a college for ball AND theater, near Stanford. Ryan and Kelsi both get into Julliard, and Sharpay sucks. Because she is mean.
Best Song?
“High School Musical.” No I didn’t repeat myself. The actual final song of the movie (this being the only one not made for TV) is called High School Musical. It has nice closure, but is still a bit repetitive. I said its the best song on the movie, not the best song ever.
Worst Song?
Maybe it is just everytime they try to be all hip and rap kind of, but songs like “The Boys Are Back” in these movies make me cringe. The background music is terrible, so is the song in general. Only positive is that this clip is in HD and some of the dancing is cool. This is them pumping each other up, to make their own decisions, or something.
Conclusion
Well, as I said, I hate the second movie. HSM2 was SO MUCH worse than the first one, it hurts me that it broke all those records due to hype alone. Because it was bad. Every song. Here is a link to a third one, Humuhumunukuapua’a, that is just WTF. It like that movie is a nice piece of shit, and a 0.
The third movie had a bigger budget, and therefore could do bigger/crazier numbers with their song. And they did. But too much. What was seriously wrong with the finale is that the plot was stupid. The final musical was supposed to just be them, doing high school things. So it had a song about prepping for Prom, and graduating, and shit. A different graduation song than the one above. It was stupid to watch. People in the audience would have left if they actually watched what we got to see. Especially the graduation song they did. Very awkward to single out the people and tell them of their scholarships. Very 1 rating.
The first one, however? It wasn’t all that bad. Especially for a TV movie. I mean, even the song I think is the worse at least has a decent enough beat and lyrics going on it. They probably spent a lot more time on the songs here, especially all the ones with Troy and Gabrielle. The plot, very kid feeling. Theres no way the ending conflict could have happened. Instead they would have said “Hey. Don’t change the callback dates. We have this game and this math shit to go to.” and problem solved. But the chemistry between the leads was great. So I’d call that a 2.
Final final thoughts:
I had to remind myself a lot that the twin characters were supposed to be twins, not lovers. It was a fine line in these movies. I linked three extra people up there, because their characters really don’t matter much. But the composer chick? She is stupid hot. Musicals about musicals shouldn’t be allowed. After Phantom of the Opera did it, it was fine, but now it is just creepy.
