Tag: America: Imagine The World Without Her

Welcome everyone to my first ever “Worst Films of 2014” list!

I have said before that for the most part, Worst Film lists are terrible. They usually end up having something completely average or regular bad on the top, just because people like to drink the internet hatorade. For instance, some people claimed The Lone Ranger was the worst movie of 2013. I thought it was exciting, or at least average/okay.

And as a reminder, 2013 also gave us such classics like Movie 43 and Scary Movie 5. Yeah. The Lone Ranger is clearly worse than those movies. Technically these things are opinions, but clearly opinions such as that can be wrong.

Either way. I didn’t see every movie that came out in 2014. I saw most of the ones that had a theatrical release. But there are a lot of movies that go straight to DVD or straight to VOD. Dozens every week. I didn’t get to see most of them, so this is the

WORST 15 MOVIES THAT I HAVE SEEN THAT CAME OUT IN 2014‘
Catchy title. Why 15? Because I had that many I wanted to hate on again. Also another note: All of the movies on this list were either rated 1 or 0 out of 4. Some 1s may be rated lower. Why? Well, when I rate normally, it is more first impressions/gut reaction. This list however had lots of reflection. The difference between dislike and hate is a fickle one, after all.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Winter’s Tale, Heaven Is For Real, Vampire Academy, Mr. Turner. They all just barely missed the list.

15) Leprechaun: Origins

First up is not only a horror, but a remake! Leprechaun: Origins is one of the few movies on this list that didn’t even make it to theaters. It got a straight VOD release in October, made by WWE Studios. Like all recent reboots, it decided it wanted to be dark and gritty.

And you know, get rid of any personality the strange as hell franchise had going for it. Instead of a leprechaun, we get some strange C.H.U.D. looking creature that took its scary cues from the raptors in Jurassic Park. It is boring, it is unoriginal, and it was a waste of internet space.

14) Moms’ Night Out

“Hey, this movie you are about to complain about probably wasn’t even meant for people like you. You’re not a mom!” Well, I have to admit I am not a mom. But Moms’ Night Out doesn’t seem to be made for moms either. It stereotypes and and gives us unoriginal and terrible caricatures of them.

The fact that it came out around Mother’s Day is just advertising. The idea of making my own mom watch this movie seems like a surefire way of making my mom hate me. I wouldn’t want my mom to think I think she needs to be doing housework all day. This film must have been made in the 1960’s, that is the only explanation.

13) Tammy

Being typecasted can be a good or a bad thing. I mean, it is good if it gets you roles and a steady paycheck, and it is great if it doesn’t make you seem like a terrible human being. But to be typecasted as an annoying friend? That can’t make people like you.

Tammy is a road trip movie with no real goals or focus. What is worse about the Tammy character is that Melissa McCarthy got to make this character herself and still put herself in that situation. We have seen her in other roles that have showed she has range, but this one is more of the same. An annoying amount of same.

12) Left Behind

While leading up to the creation of this list, I watched a lot of “supposed to be bad” movies to make sure I had a more complete feeling list. That is to say, I watched Sharknado 2 and it wasn’t bad enough for this list. But Left Behind and one other were bad enough to make the list, yet not have official reviews written for them yet! Expect them in the next week. 🙂

Either way, Left Behind is a sort of franchise reboot, but with more Cage and probably just as bad acting. The main plot point seems to be characters who realize what is going on, just to be badly cut to a different plot area, and then cut back and their idea be the wrong one. Over. And over. And over. In this movie universe, everyone is an idiot.

11) When The Game Stands Tall

There are sports movies, there are inspirational true story sport movies, and then there is this shit. Stretching the truth to tell a good message is one thing, but When The Game Stands Tall takes a relatively recent (ten ish years ago) story and decide to shit all over the facts and give us inspirational hogwash. Or at least it tries to be inspirational.

But who can really connect with the team that has won over a hundred games in a row and then they finally lose one? They manage to take a great story, keep about 10% of the truth, and give me 90% made up filler. Shit, they can’t even get the opponents and scores versus those opponents correctly. Please, get the fuck out of here.

10) Planes: Fire and Rescue

If I made a list like this last year, Planes would probably be number 1 out of principle alone. Now, less than a year after the first one, we have a sequel of a planned trilogy, where at least the third one isn’t coming out for awhile. Maybe they will work on making it decent.

Just like the first film, Planes: Fire and Rescue is completely lazy in its script department, features a main character who can be a dick, features racist stereotypes to make its characters, and has shitty animation. The type of film that doesn’t try to be good because it makes all its money back instantly in merchandise. The only thing better it has going for it is that at least it has a stronger female character. Just a bit.

9) Lucy

Luc Fucking Besson. This man has been ruining scripts for the last few years, either by writing them completely and directing them, or just adding his input. They are all the same, if I can describe them as terrible and featuring Europe in some way. 3 Days To Kill was terrible, but Lucy was even worse.

Lucy took an okay concept, made it extremely stupid (or dumbed down if you will) and turned the character into an unmoral boring “hero”. A hero who can really early on in the film alter reality in ways so that people don’t have to get hurt, but hurts them anyways. It ends with a slow motion gun fight where her “Friends” and other nice people die. For what? For no fucking reason other than the poorly put together plot.

8) Ouija

Ouija is my second horror film and last one on the list. That’s right! Ouija is the worst horror of the year! That probably isn’t fair, because out of all genres, I bet horror has the most straight to DVD/internet/indie release type of films, so there are probably a lot worse. But damn it, I didn’t see them.

Ouija is a board game company trying to get more people to by their board game. To do so, we get a PG-13 plot line that features some of the least innovative plot twists and scary situations known to man. You know, all about a board game. It is incredible how boring they made this movie. I’ve seen better Ouija board based plots in made for kids tv shows.

7) The Identical

The Identical is the second of the movies on this list that doesn’t have an official review yet. Why? Well, the movie came out the first week of September in theaters and was notable for basically being the only release that week. But I live in an area that frequently has pre-screenings, and they wouldn’t even bother with The Identical.

So I didn’t even bother with it til now, and I am glad to say I didn’t spend $10 on this trash. It is basically like a make believe Elvis story. But instead of Elvis, we have two Elvis looking mother fuckers separated at birth. One becoming a big star, the other being raised by a religious Ray Liotta with dreams of being a rock and roll star some day. The plot description alone should make you want to run away and read a book.

6) Sex Tape

We are getting closer to the bottom, so my hate for these movies will be stronger and stronger. Sex Tape this low makes it officially the worst comedy of the year for me. How bad was it? Well, I watched in theaters with a group of people. Not only did I not laugh, but I remember the theater being silent as well.

But to top it off, it was so boring that in my middle of the day Saturday show time, I fell asleep missing the last twenty or so minutes. Like, hardcore passed out. I never nap and I don’t sleep during movies. I didn’t just sleep during the ending. I slept through 100% of the credits. I was woken up when the lights in the theater were turned on and someone was cleaning up the mess. That’s how boring and un funny this comedy was.

5) God’s Not Dead

When I first saw a trailer for God’s Not Dead, I thought it was a joke trailer made for the lols. What? It was really coming out? Well, it was meant to be a very limited run type of thing, but because religious people went in droves to see it, it became wide release and I actually had to watch it.

Look, movies where some of the characters are dumb and bad at arguments. Sure. But not when the filmmakes are lazy, making terrible characters, in order to help convince millions of people how to argue badly. The main character is an awkward strawman who is just angry and terrible at arguing despite his PhDs. It’s side stories decide to also attack Islam (and make it seem violent), feature Duck Dynasty because they were popular for being anti-gay last year, and even make regular women seem to be the devil. It is the laziest Christian movie I have seen and doesn’t even attempt to raise any amount of intellectual discourse.

4) America: Imagine The World Without Her

That’s right, a documentary! I felt patriotic with this review, watching it in theaters so that I could release it for July 4th! I liked the title, America: Imagine The World Without Her and thought it could go into some interesting subject matter. But no, it was all a ruse. I talk specifics in my actual review, but it is just such an awful piece of propaganda. I cannot believe it got put in theaters.

It features lies, un truths, and a whole lot of unnecessary (and way too early) campaigning for the 2016 election. Seriously. That is what this misleading title documentary turned into. Not only that, but it has some truths also early on to trick you and keep you on your toes. A documentary that should have its biased ass thrown in the trash.

3) I, Frankenstein

Here we go. The final three. And this one is a January release! January releases are known for being generally shitty. It is after the last two months of Oscar bait films. Films they don’t expect to do good and just hope to get back some of their investments. I, Frankenstein takes a beloved fictional character and makes him a whole new level of stupid.

I am a fan of Aaron Eckhart, I am, but first off, he made a terrible Frankenstein’s monster. Second off, this film is a CGI orgy of explosions and fight scenes, all of which are painful to watch. Third, we got a forced awkward romance. And finally, the plot. Oh the plot is full of holes, terrible fantasy lore and it looks like they just threw together a lot of different ideas to make it stick. The only good thing they had going for it was at least a unique choice of weapons and not the same old sword action movie.

2) Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return

For whatever reason, people are super into the Oz based movies right now. That shit is old and every once in awhile, someone tries to remake the lore or re-tell the story and outside of Wicked, the story is always terrible. This time we have Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return, an animated sequel to the classic tale, throwing more characters no one gives a shit at at us, with new songs and new tales.

Just kidding. Shit is shit is shit. What is funnier about this thing is that the makers believe there is some Hollywood conspiracy to make sure independent animated films cannot succeed. When in reality, they had shitty animation and a terrible terrible movie. That is why it didn’t make money. Shit, this movie took years to make and seemed like some sort of Ponzi Scheme in the end. Popular people to voice is does not a good movie make.

1) The Legend Of Hercules

Yay, number 1! The worst movie of the year in my eyes. Here is a check list of things going bad for The Legend of Hercules.

It came out in January.
It is a doppelganger film, but also the “rushed out to beat the other one and definitely far far worse” of the two. (Compared to just Hercules).
It is based on stories, and by that, I mean, Hercules is a character name and everyone else…? I don’t know if anyone is in his mythos. Every other plot point and character just seems generic and made up.
Terrible CGI.
Mostly just a love story and it seems like it wants to capture the Twilight crowd.
Kellan Lutz.

If you like Hercules, don’t see this movie. If you hate Hercules, don’t see this movie.

Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know (but I probably saw it and reviewed it on this very site! Check out my thoughts). Next week? I will have a list of movies you should actually watch.

Happy Freedom Day everybody! Unless you are reading this from Not-America, in which case, you know, the Fourth of July or whatever you want to call it.

I needed to review some sort of patriotic like movie for this special and awesome holiday, much like last year how I showed God Bless America. So when I found out some strange documentary was coming out this week with America in the title, I was thrilled.

America: Imagine The World Without Her. Alright, umm. Kind of a weird title. In fact, just reading it gives me negative thoughts about how this “Documentary” will go.

In middle and elementary school, every February for many years I would end up seeing a play put on for Black History Month. Usually it was about the achievements and inventions of Black Americans, and how life would be so different without them. It was an awkward play then and it is now, because they make the claim that if they weren’t there, then it would never be made. Which is bullshit of course, if they didn’t do it, someone else would have most likely. So I was scared that this documentary would be a lot like that play, but on a bigger screen scale with more kung fu fighting bald eagles or something.

But I was wrong. Somehow, it was far worse than I could have ever imagined.

And it was made by a man who looks like the Indian version of my second to last roommate.

Rage. That was my first emotion during this piece. After the intro of course. The documentary is full of historical reenactments, such as speeches by Lincoln or Frederick Douglas. It asks a hypothetical, how the world would be if Washington died in the Revolution. If the South won their independence. Some cool questions, of which, none of them were explored.

Instead, they ignored basically the title of the documentary and those questions and talked about why America was bad and their country was founded on thievery. What thievery? America stole the land from the American Indians, stole half of Mexico, stole people from Africa, stole resources from the world, and stole money from their own citizens.

What? This is what made me rage as it went through this list, detailed explanations from interviewed people as to why America was dick. I remember yelling retorts in my head. Like, “Fuck Christopher Columbus! He wasn’t American, he was Spanish, I don’t care what he did. Didn’t even land in modern USA!”

And then you know what? The documentary did it for me. Here came my confusion phase.

It started to use the same arguments in my head to clear up some of the issues. But it also used incorrect facts coupled with correct facts to make its point. I should have knew something was up when it grouped those five things together.

Not only did it mold the incorrect with the factual, blurring the lines with its biases, but a lot of what it started to say seemed pointless. Like, using these pointless “facts” as an argument against the earlier brought up points, where these stories didn’t actually relate to the points the argument made.

It’d be a lot easier to just dismiss if it was biased in one way. All falses, or something. But this documentary is sneaky.

So sneaky, that the true intentions of this documentary aren’t all made clear until near the last third.

And it all involves this woman reenactment video.

Turns out this documentary has a completely different agenda. It has turned suddenly into an anti-Obama documentary, almost completely out of left field. The director also did 2016, a documentary that I now have no reason to ever watch, because I can’t trust a thing he said. Should have known that, I guess.

So yeah, it went super hard against Obama out of nowhere. A lot of it was strange in that it was angry at him and his policies, despite it specifically being things started in the Bush years?

Then it went and talked about socialism, talkign about Saul Alinsky, and how Obama was someone who liked some of his ideals. This makes everyone bad by the way. Not only does it bring in Obama, but it then attacks Hillary Clinton, who wrote a thesis on him in college.

So there you have it. The whole point of this doc. It is entirely right wing propaganda, even had pro Tea Party information which no one should like. It made them seem like the little guy who was being walked all over, so the documentary wanted them to stand up and fight back against these evil changes to America.

They didn’t answer the questions brought up in the documentary. It was misleading. And it literally was just made quickly to affect the 2016 elections, which haven’t even had primaries for either side to see who is in the running.

What in the actual fuck.

Politically, I am an independent, so if a Democratic type documentary like this came out I would bash it equally as well.

America is an ass kicking country, and this documentary is part of the problem, not part of the solution. Political division is fucking stupid.

0 out of 4.