Tag: 0 out of 4

From the title alone, I understand that Friend Request will make you think of Unfriended. It is about social media, teens, and horror.

Unfriended was hated by basically everyone except for me. I enjoyed how creative it was and well, that is it. It was creative. I am fine with movies pushing their mediums further. It was cheesy a bit, but at the same time, it had me terrified. I was on the internet too much.

Friend Request did not make me rethink social media at all, it just made me rethink the choices that made me go and see Friend Request.

“So the evil is INSIDE the computer?”

We are going to examine Laura (Alycia Debnam-Carey), a popular girl on Facebook, with 800+ friends. Which yeah, is just your regular college girl amount really. She hangs out with her BFFs (Brit Morgan, Brooke Markham), doing college stuff. Laura is a Psychology major, so you know she is serious about her education as well.

And in her psychology class, there is Marina (Liesl Ahlers), a girl who wears black and looks weird. She has zero facebook friends, until she sends a request to Laura, and Laura just accepts anything. This makes Marina happy. She also sends Laura messages all the time, but she has creepy Facebook posts and is a bit unsettling. So of course Laura unfriends her, and surprise, Marina flips her shit and kills herself.

And now, Laura’s Facebook is basically haunted. She can’t delete messages, she can’t send anything, and she can’t delete it. The Facebook begins to post things on its own, pissing off her friends and making her alone. Oh yeah, and her friends start dying as well. Looks like there is a curse on Laura and it is one she cannot unfollow.

Also starring William Moseley, Connor Paolo, Sean Marquette, Shashawnee Hall, Susan Danford, Nicholas Pauling, and Lee Raviv as young Marina.

You know those new girls, always…posting videos of dark woods, mirrors, and baby dolls to the internet.

There was a technical issue in my theater when I watched this movie, so the first five minutes had no sound. And with no sound, the movie gave a clear picture of where it was going and how bad it would be on the way there. It also looked hilarious with over exaggerated gasps and zoom ins on our main characters face. When it was restarted with noise, the damage had been done, and I knew too soon that this movie was a piece of shit.

Friend Request is one of the modern horror films where no one is bad or deserving of their problems and people just go and die. I am not saying horror films need morals, but really, I need some sort of motivation or anything for this film to exist. This story is that Laura gets suddenly unlucky for no reason, there is nothing she can do to stop it, and her life is now fucked. Hooray! Hard to get behind that concept.

As for the deaths? They also blow. A lot of them are done in excessively dark light, so viewers cannot build suspense. Scary sounds and not being able to tell what is happening is not scary, especially when it screams out being a budget reason and we have to use our own imagination to fill in the gaps. Nothing is rewarding out of this film. It doesn’t even have any strong messages about the technology age, bullying, social media, nothing. Just a cash grab on getting people in by having Facebook references.

Alright, this is an easy introduction. The Nut Job sucked. It came out January, 2014, made an okay money and a sequel was announced for January 15, 2016. Months before that date I noticed it and waited, because I was ready for an equally shitty movie that is easy to trash.

And then January happened, it was nowhere to be seen anywhere, and no one knew when it was coming out. It wasn’t until months later, April 2016, when it was announced it was pushed back to May 19, 2017. Yes, it wasn’t officially delayed until THREE MONTHS AFTER IT WAS SUPPOSED TO COME OUT. No announcements about being pushed back indefinitely, just quietly hidden under a rug. But I was there, I was asking the hard questions. I also don’t know when they finally gave it a name that was different, but they called it The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature, to appeal to…some demographic.

Three months later in July, they announced that Jackie Chan had joined the cast. He joined the cast six months after it was supposed to already be out. There is some real big behind the scene delays going on. It wasn’t until December of 2016 when it was pushed back into August 2017, where it moved around again once I think, but was kept basically the same.

What a production shit show. And to think there is a The Nut Job 3 IMDB page saying a 2019 release date, despite no official announcements at all. Who is in charge damn it?

Ah, the fucking squirrels are probably calling the shots.

This sequel takes place a few years later with the nut store now out of business. And by that, I mean, it was being used as a mob den or whatever, so they probably just never got a new owner and it was condemned. And for some reason this condemned building was never removed of its items, so its basement was still full of nuts of all sorts. I assume it is a few years later, because literally none of the other squirrel and rodent leaders are present in this film, just our main character and crew and some young things, so at some point everyone else must have died out.

Now Surly (Will Arnett) and Andie (Katherine Heigl) are the de facto leaders of this group, I guess. And by that, I mean Andie is trying to teach some baby chipmunks how to hunt for nuts in the park, and Surly and his gang of randoms (Maya Rodolph, Gabriel Iglesias, Jeff Dunham, Rob Tinker, Kari Wahlgren, Tom Kenny, Sebastian Maniscalco) are living in the nut shop basement that has turned to a variable den of sin. Andie thinks they are losing their ability to succeed in nature. Probably true.

Also in this city is a corrupt mayor (Bobby Moynihan). He seems like he has been there for awhile though, based on the way he lives and talks. He keeps getting elected despite being openly and obviously corrupt, and a danger to the citizens. He drives along sidewalks and hurts people while displaying he is above the law, yet everyone is fine with i? Anyways, this mayor likes his city making money and says that every square inch of his city makes money except for one. This is when most people would say “Oh yeah, the abandoned nut shop”. No, he says the park. Meaning he doesn’t know about the nut shop either.

So yeah, he wants to put an amusement park on the park instead, to make money. He begins to demolish stuff, which would be fine because of the nut shop, but the nut shop also blows up.

Now the animals have to go to war with the machines and the amusement park and the mayor. Oh how nutty!

Also featuring Isabela Moner as the mayors bratty as shit daughter (no mom in site, mayor probably killed her to be honest), Peter Stormare as an exterminator, Bobby Cannavale as another dog, and Jackie Chan as a kung fu mouse leading an army of city mice.

That is a sweet ass sign, I would probably go there if I lived in the general vacinity.

“It was a mess of a movie.” – Gorgon Reviews, describing The Nut Job, in 2014. And it easily fits this review as well.

At this point in the review I am already over 700 words, and I haven’t even started to deconstruct its ass down yet.

I already alluded to it, but the mayor character cannot even exist in the world they created. Unless right when the movie starts he just got elected (despite implying longevity), and he was going on a two week crazy spree of fucking up parks and killing pedestrians. But we know it is a lie. For whatever reason this mayor character wanted to make the shittiest park, quickly, to make small amounts of money. But he is clearly a guy with high standards, so he wouldn’t make a park out of used parts, but something nice and shiny that people would want to go to for a long period of time. Another bad plot point.

The park premiers at a big fancy event for the mayor and all of his campaign donors, where everyone is dressed up, fancy as fuck, and rich. Except literally none of those individuals would ever set foot in a park like that. It is extremely ugly and they don’t try to hide it at all. It looks like a park that could give you AIDS just for walking into it.

The animals start terrorizing the park, the rich people hide, but don’t worry, exterminators come and get rid of them all. And the mayor makes these rich people stay. Of course animals quickly break out, come back to the park, and start to rip things up and destroy things with explosions. That point is weird though because 1) The rich people didn’t leave, 2) When things were exploding they carefully only showed the exterminators (who had already finished and should have been gone). Yes, very odd. Although they didn’t show them there, they specifically showed them staying, so a whole bunch of people probably died in this plan and they are just covering it because of badly written PG films.

Speaking of badly written, I am pretty sure that the movie was made, was worse, then they had to change a lot of it. Since Chan was brought in so late, they probably added his plot lines. He wasn’t in the film until halfway or so, and only one scene. Then he was brought back during the crazy end mess. I have to imagine that they just added this shit in, and that is why it was delayed a year and a half. A big waste of Jackie Chan.

The voice work is bad. The movie has absolutely no real feelings behind it. They just patched some shit together, hoping no one would examine to find out that there are holes everywhere.

And goddamn it, where is that little girls mom? Why was the Nut shop ignored by a money hungry government? Why the fuck does Andie the squirrel put up with Surly, who abuses her emotionally and puts her down in front of others constantly? And did the eat the other goddamn squirrels from the first movie?

This is part of Fantasy and Sci-Fi Week at Gorgon Reviews!

Fucking finally. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter. It has final in the name, so there will be no more without a reboot, those are the rules. Ignore whatever happened between Saw: The Final Chapter and Jigsaw, those guys are liars, they totally won’t be liars here.

If you read my long milestone review on Resident Evil franchise, there is a common problem with the films. Each film would end with a cliff hanger and a goal! Okay, fine. But the next film will either ignore the cliff hanger and have it resolve off screen and ignore the “goal” set by the previous film. It was especially egregious in films 4 and 5, where they decided to go a completely different route, creating their own excuses that were shit for changing the plot. It was fucking stupid. Although sure, the second film continued after the first where you would expect it to, so that is the only one that really felt connected.

Anyways, if that happens again, I might flip my shit. Also another reminder, one stuntman died during filming of a scene, and a stuntwoman had a shit ton of injuries, 2 week coma, and had her arm amputated off. Holy fuck, that is bad. That is not a good start to a movie, especially a movie no one asked for.

But that’s okay, because at least Milla was able to dangle on her own.

At the end of the last film, Alice (Milla Jovovich) and crew had to head to Washington, DC, ready to take on giant waves of zombies at the White House. Wesker (Shawn Roberts) sent them there and was a good guy now, after being a bad guy.

Well this film begins with a backstory, which is different than backstory from previous films, and then jumps over the other films to bring us to now. Which is actually in DC! But some time has passed. Alice is now alone again, for reasons. Also apparently Wesker turned on her and the crew and is a bad guy, again. Seriously, all off screen pre-movie, they were like, lets make him bad again and do none of this DC plot, and let’s put it in a new direction, again. Fuckers.

So after some fighting with a goddamn zombie dragon creature, Alice gets contacted by the Red Queen (Ever Anderson, real life daughter of Jovovich and Paul W.S. Anderson) and gets an earfull. Apparently the Umbrella Corporation developed an antidote before this whole outbreak thing occurred. They wanted the world to fall to ruin, yes like a Biblical flood, then they would release the antidote into the air, killing anything with the T-Virus inside of them

The Red Queen wants Alice to get to the cure before the last human settlements are wiped out. She has about two days. And of course, the cure is at the bottom of The Hive facility underneath the now wiped out Raccoon City, where there are going to be some zombies, and fucked up shit inside. Hooray!

Also featuring Iain Glen, Ali Larter, Eoin Macken, Fraser James, Ruby Rose, William Levy, and Rola.

At some point in the franchise, the zombies just become Alice’s biggest fans and always follow her around town.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter is a bad movie on almost every front.

First of all, it continues a story only in name, because it literally once again, tells a different story than the previous film implied. Characters have different motivations suddenly. Characters who were at the end of the last film are now gone and not mentioned. The entire backstory is changed at the beginning, just so they can do different things with this film. Yet at the same time, this is just another film where the goal is to go into an underground bunker, do a thing, then escape the bunker. A nice giant open world long fight, implied by the end of the last movie, would have been great.

There is technically action in this film, but good luck figuring it out. Even scenes of very little important are cut so rapidly I found myself barely watching the movie. It was hurting my head and eyes. It is one of those ways to cover up good action scenes by having quick cuts and to hide stunt actors. No good amount of choreography, just cut cut cut with flashing lights and confusion.

Acting is weak. The plot is extremely weak, with twists you can definitely see coming. There is nothing profound about this film, even with Biblical elements. You will just find yourself waiting for it to be over.

HOWEVER. Guess what! It is never over. It. Is. Never. Over. This movie ends on a cliffhanger. The story isn’t over. This is probably not going to be a final chapter. Meaningful conclusions are bullshit. Sure, the story seems like they finally finished the Umbrella Arc. But you know as well as I do that if there is another movie within a decade that there will be Clones or something of the important people, another hidden sect, and a story that just won’t die.

Like zombies.

This is part of Fantasy and Sci-Fi Week at Gorgon Reviews!

Another film to come out in March that I missed, due to the extreme circumstances of birthday nonsense that incorporates that month of my life, when I first saw the trailer for The Shack, I didn’t realize it was a religious film.

Yes, even though there was an original song by Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, I didn’t realize it was a religious film. Even though it came out right around Easter, I didn’t realize it was a religious film. Even though it was about death and overcoming grief, I didn’t realize it was a religious film.

I just thought it was a fantasy film. But when I had to see the trailer a second time my wife was there and told me. Whoops. Well, religious films are still fantasy films, so it is relevant enough for me to finally watch it.

Worst superhero team ever?

Willie (Tim McGraw) gets to serve as our narrator and local church pastor for this film, so I know you are stoked.

This film is instead about Mack Phillips (Sam Worthington), a successful family man at some job, with his wife Nan (Radha Mitchell), and three kids Kate (Megan Charpentier), Josh (Gage Munroe), and Missy (Amélie Eve). Mack had a rough life growing up, when he was a kid (Carson Reaume), he lived with his alcoholic father (Derek Hamilton) and mother. The dad got angry a whole lot, beat up the mom, and beat up Mack. When Mack tried to tell the church, he just got beat up more. Sucks a whole lot.

Either way now he is a happy dad. They still go to church, but he isn’t fully into Jesus like his wife. On a camping trip where Nan cannot make it, he is enjoying life with his three kids. When his two oldest get into an accident on the lake, Mack rushes into the water to save them, hooray big hero! But now his daughter, Missy, is missing.

He was barely in the water, it was only a few minutes, yet she is gone and he and the other campers cannot find her anywhere. The police believe it to be a serial killer (!) in the area, who has been taking girls. Days later, they find her clothes and blood in a shack, no real resolution. Holy crap!

Now, months later, it is winter, and of course Mack is still upset. His whole family is, but Mack is more upset at the big guy upstairs. He ends up getting a note to go back to the Shack, and against the wishes of his pastor, he heads up alone, thinking it is the serial killer and he wants revenge.

Instead, he finds a magical cabin, with representatives from heaven who want him to heal. Featuring Octavia Spencer as God, Avraham Aviv Alush as Jesus, and Sumire Matsubara as the Holy Spirit. Also Alice Braga as some sort of judger and Graham Greene also as God.

They heal his soul the southern way, with biscuits.

A lot of the problems/issues that the movie have, problems with story structure and more, can unfortunately be written away by spiritual magic. Dream sequences and all of that jazz. Because while watching it, the viewer should be saying “Hey, how can he spend multiple days up here with no one knowing where he is?…Oh. Because it was maybe all in his head real time wise and he never made it to the Shack? Gotcha.”

And that takes away from so much. If they dealt with the real consequences of him disappearing it would have added some more real drama to the film. But it gets swept under the rug, we get an hour plus of movie and “growth” from Mack that happens in the span of apparently getting into a car accident and waking up in a hospital. How convenient.

The main message of the film is to live a better life, you need to forgive and forget the bad things and focus on the good. But they chose a really messed up person to preach this too. Yes, they are saying to forgive and forget the dad who beat them. They are saying to forgive and forget a serial killer for abducting, killing, and who knows what else his tiny girl.

I’m sorry, but no. There are bad things in the world, and this film says it is okay, because there are still good things in your life and Heaven awaits. That is a bad message to pass on.

Also, Spencer gets to play neighborly helper woman again, but also as God. She just can’t get a typecasted break. At least the Jesus character looks more Jesus-y than normal.

Oh you didn’t hear about the super new, ultra fresh, Netflix Original movie everyone is talking about? No, I’m not talking about Okja, I’m talking about You Get Me!

You Get Me was released on Netflix on 06-28-17, which happened to be the same day they also released Okja. And I was very excited to watch Okja on that day, I had it all planned out, and when I got to the computer around 7:30am, Okja wasn’t there. I looked it up, and it just said the release date (which was the right day!) and no link to the movie. Oh no!

So instead I said fuck it, I came to watch a movie and a movie would be watched. And advertised in front of me was You Get Me, a movie where I might not even know most of the people involved, but it was new, and it needed someone to watch it. So why not make that someone me?

I believe this was a ploy by Netflix to get me to watch a bad movie instead. You get me, Netflix.

Tyler Hanson (Taylor John Smith) is a high school boy who wants one thing. Sex. And attention. And love. And a stable home life. Okay that is a lot. He is about to be a senior, his dad is dead, and his mom travels a lot, so he sort of takes care of his younger sister on his own. Sort of weird.

He has a girlfriend, Ali (Halston Sage), whom he loves a lot, but they don’t do the sex. And it turns out, before she moved there she had a lot of sex and drinking. Hopefully that wasn’t that long ago because you know, high school. Tyler gets upset, they fight, they break up. Tyler meets Holly (Bella Thorne). She likes to party, likes Tyler, they have a weekend of hanging out and fun and yes, the sexy time.

But it is just a small fling, she is just here for the summer, and he ends up reconnecting with Ali and they fix their relationship. Hooray! Of course, it turns out Holly is now here at the school for real, she has moved here with her mom. It makes things awkward, but to make it less awkward, Tyler doesn’t tell the secret, and Holly befriends the fuck out of Ali. Like quick, BFFs. Ah joy.

She comes into the friends circle, she starts getting angry that her love is not being fulfilled, and oh yeah, we got a jealous angry ex movie.

Also starring Nash Grier and Anna Akana as other best friend characters.

“Oh. My. God. I am so annoyed at everyone right now.”

It is a bit weird to see a sexual thriller from a still in high school perspective. But not too weird, because high schoolers have sex. What is weird is its rating. I don’t know if it officially has a rating, but it is clearly just a PG-13 movie, so a sexual thriller about teenagers, for teenagers, that doesn’t go as far as most movies in the genre. This is a gateway film for young adults to get into sexual thrillers, a niche film you didn’t know needed to exist.

My thoughts on Thorne are all over the place. She is in so many movies and things, at the time of writing 65 acting credits despite being 19 years old. At this point, if there is a movie with high school students, I assume she will be in it, even if she doesn’t have a big role. Sometimes she is a bitch, sometimes nice, but if you have seen enough of these films, you realize her range isn’t really there.

So to have her as this main antagonist, this deranged character, who gets all revengey and wants to hurt a boy who has wronger her. And you know what, he kind of did. He pushed her away after a good weekend. So she has a reason to be angry, not a reason to get all close to killing, but still angry.

This is a predictable film. If you’ve seen one sexual thriller, you’ve seen this one. And this is a bad one, in a genre that generally is pretty bad.

Ooooh, this franchise though. I hate Cars. And I hate Cars 2 more. They are bad movies. Seriously. They are just cash grabs, they have bad morals, they are just complete shit.

And they are worse because they have led us to having Planes and Planes: Fire & Rescue, which incredibly end up being worse than the Cars movies.

So, I definitely have been not looking forward to Cars 3. A franchise that won’t go away, because their toys keep making them money. This movie on its own could be amazing. It could answer some needed questions and be decent on its own right. But nothing it could do could redeem the monstrosity that are those previous four films.

And here is a picture of two cars racing.

Cars racing go go go! Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) is still doing that racing thing, still kicking butt, winning most of the time, or at least the top 3 with some of his friends, life is easy and everyone else is a bitch in comparison. But then, there is a rookie in the race, he comes from behind and wins. His name is Jackson Storm (Armie Hammer). Why does he not pass everyone until the last possible moment? Why does no one notice a car with an extremely sleek new design? No idea, but he wins.

And then he keeps winning. Then the race cars start getting replaced by the newer models, because they are faster and better. You know, things that make sense. Lightning finds himself finishing the season in a giant crash and he goes back home to find himself. Can he get back into the grove, being the only “old” race car to join the series once again and prove himself? Maybe.

That would be the point of the movie though, I guess.

Returning for vocals in very limited roles include Larry the Cable Guy, Tony Shalhoub, Bonnie Hunt, John Ratzenberger, and Paul Newman (yes).

But also, you know, new characters. Sterling (Nathan Fillion), the new owner of Lightning’s main sponsor, Cruz Ramirez (Cristela Alonzo), Lightning’s new trainer to get him in shape for the new season, and Smokey (Chris Cooper), the vehicle that trained Doc, along with Lea DeLaria, Kerry Washington, Margo Martindale, and Bob Peterson.

And here is a picture of two cars racing.

Buckle up, buckaroos, because I don’t want to spend too much time talking about why Cars 3 is terrible, but in all likelihood, that is all I will get done.

One of the biggest problems of the Cars universe still glaringly exists for the third time. Where do these cars come from? Are they built in a factory? Is there car sex and car babies born? We know they can be worked on and improved, but only at some point. Given that Smokey’s mentor is still alive, cars also don’t seem to really know how to die outside of Doc, so it is sort of bizarre.

These questions matter because (gasp), newer better racing cars, based off of better designs, meant to go fast and handle corners better, now exist! Why? How? Are some car executives somewhere creating new life forms and taking over, and this is an issue? In Cars 2 the problem was Lemon cars, cars that were basically disabled characters, now it is new cars with a lot of bells and whistles. How dare they come into the world and excel at the one thing they were created to do.

Let me say it again. Our bad guys are new race cars, who are doing really good at racing cars, who were made and designed to race cars and only do that well. They are doing better than Lightning McQueen who, GUESS WHAT, was also designed and built to race cars really good, just decades before then. When Lightning McQueen joined the scene, was he made into a villain for taking out older models from the race world?

No, he was not. So why is it now an issue, when Lightning McQueen helped do the same exact shit in his youth? Because we have seen him in movies we are supposed to halt the natural evolution of a sport (that is designed by a magical car creator or other cars or something), so that he can do what? WIN BASICALLY EVERY TIME! There are 20-30 racers in these race, and these other poor cars apparently never win ever, and we don’t feel bad for them. We are just supposed to feel bad that Lightning is no longer the top of the line. It is not fair for just him, while everyone else just accepts it.

And here is a picture of two cars racing.

Okay, I had to do a whole section to explain why just the even plot and premise for this film is shit. So now let me talk about other issues.

There isn’t really anything in the way of suspense by the end. How it goes is pretty expected, assuming you are paying at least a little bit of attention. However, they decide to let the dumb thing happen by having one of those in film “rule book arguments” when it turns out that what they want to do isn’t against the rules. Usually this is fine, because it is alluded to somewhat earlier in the movie and at least can make sense. But given it is a fictional universe with whatever willy nilly rules, it comes off surprising. It SHOULD be against the rules, it just isn’t because it is convenient to the plot. And this happens twice within the same final race. Not because it is sensical, but because lazy writing.

Thankfully they learned something from Cars 2 and gave us way less Tow Mater, but it is crazy how much of the original characters are just bit parts. I wouldn’t have assumed that Sally is still Lightning’s love interest in this film if he didn’t just once call out that he loved her. They barely interacted and honestly I don’t see Lightning as still being faithful.

Poor Paul Newman died in 2008, and his voice is still being used in this series. Unused audio from the first film existed so they patched it together for some voice stuff in this film, and it just feels downright gross to do that.

Cars 3 is easily the worst Pixar film since Cars 2. Cars 3 does NOT make Cars 2 look like Cars, because Cars 2 is still the worst, beyond worst, Pixar movie by a long shot. And that is technically a positive.

2017 continues to be a below average year for animated films, but Pixar is on a downward slide. Finding Dory wasn’t good, and the The Good Dinosaur was meh. That is three stinkers in a row. They are banking on Coco doing great in November, but it probably will just feel too similar to The Book of Life at this point, so I have no idea what will save them. They are banking on sequels to beloved franchises for the next films after Coco. We just have two sequels though, and will get two more? They need to stop whatever the fuck they are doing, rethink their whole operation, and start getting original quick if they are going to save their standards.

Dog films are all the rage now. Just look at the last two reviews on my website. But in reality, despite this mini awkward dog theme, actual dog movies are NOT popular like they were in the 1990’s and 2000’s. They pop up every once in awhile and usually try to kill a dog by the end of it in order to get all pet owners to cry and feel nostalgic about past pets and current pets.

It is easy money. A Dog’s Purpose is based on a book that a lot of people liked and read, so it should have made money. Then it had a silly controversy a whole week before it came out, people decided not to see it, and here I am today, hoping it is terrible because it came out in January.

But really, I want to note that the idea behind the movie is brilliant. If dying pets makes people love the movie, buy it on DVD and give the movie money, then why not have the main dog more than once? Why not a whole handful of times?

There is tear jerking, and there is tear sucking out of you with an industrial vacuum.

I think an alternative title for this movie might have been Doghood.

The movie has dogs, people, and a lot of both. If you are the type of person who gets sad over the death of pets, you are goign to get really fucking sad in this movie.

Because our main dog (Josh Gad) who goes by many names, so I will just call him Dog, is going to die over and over again. This Dog is wondering what his purpose in life is. He likes to play and have fun he guesses, and there are humans that tell him to do things, but what is he here for?

So he hangs out with a kid who grows up into an adult. He hangs out with a lady in school. He is in an abusive home. He is a dog for a cop! He does so much more, but really, he just wants that stomach scratched.

Featuring a hot mess of people though, so here we go: Britt Robertson, Bryce Gheisar, Dennis Quaid, John Ortiz, Juliet Rylance, K.J. Apa, Kirby Howell-Baptiste, Logan Miller, Luke Kirby, and Peggy Lipton.

I wonder how many humans die in this movie? More than dogs?

A Dog’s Purpose is a waste of time. For dog lovers, cat lovers, and human lovers alike. Now, I have never made a movie before, but I have to imagine that making the audience care about a pet has got to be pretty easy. I imagine it is one of the easiest tasks ever to make someone cry in a theater by having the pet go bye bye, second only to a relative.

And yet, after watching A Dog’s Purpose, which had at least five dogs, I think, I found myself unable to make a connection with most of them. In fact, some of them, the deaths came sort of out of nowhere. And not in a “Oh no, tragedy, death!” shocking sort of way. Just a “Oh, this is the end of this plot line I guess, let’s move on” sort of way. They just did a poor job of making me care.

Maybe a big element to get someone to care about the pet is time with the pet, but a common narrator sound just isn’t good enough. I wasn’t feeling the stories, I wasn’t feeling the other humans, I just didn’t care.

And a dog movie, where the dog dies so many ties, that fails to make me cry? Just feels a bit shallow and rushed. No emotional connection, means not a good drama film.

Low budget sci-fi has a bad name. Because wit a low budget, comes CGI that stands out. With a low budget, means a lot more of the budget goes into the bad CGI than good actors. We might get people who used to be famous or were on a TV show a decade ago, and they are relying on that fading star power to turn a profit.

Basically, the SyFy channel is a big reason why low budget Sci-Fi has such a bad name.

But I went and saw Rogue Warrior: Robot Fighter anyways in theaters, because a low budget can still bring on strong human emotions and universal themes taken to extreme. Even if the robots look terrible, it can transcend the budget and tell an amazing story. Sci-Fi doesn’t need those dollar bills, it just needs a good plot.

And I can already tell what kind of plot this film has.

Set in the future, robots have basically taken over the world. Damn Artificial Intelligence. People still exist, but in hiding mostly, and some are people trying to fight back.

Our heroine is Sienna (Tracey Birdsall), who is great at killing robots and looking fly at the same time. She works with a small crew, including Dr. Johnson (William Kircher), their leader Ralston (Stephen Manley), a tech guy Blister (Tim McGrath), and a lot of guns. They have heard about a rumor of a bunch of EMP bombs on another planet, but it is just rumors. They have to just keep doing what they are doing.

But not Sienna. Screw that. Screw robots. She wants to find the bombs on her own if she must and save the human race. And she will break out a former fighter friend of hers, Skullcrusher (Daz Crawford) to help! But what Sienna doesn’t know about her past might change her destiny.

Also starring Ashley Park as a sexbot, Tony Gibbons as a voice, and Marc Hawes as a mysterious character.

Remember, no matter how bad the technology, the story can still be good.

Rogue Warrior: Robot Fighter started off so strong.

Wait, no, the opposite. Right away, the title alone, makes this seem like a dud. How generic can a title be? Generic enough to be the title of something straight to DVD, selling for $5 max in a Wal-Mart bin. Something that seems like a parody of a successful film. Although I don’t know what this title would be a parody of, except that it has “Rogue” in the title, so it might make people think of Rogue One?

Outside of the title, the movie is a total snoozefest. Remember when I said sci-fi can hit those hard themes? Well, Rogue Warrior attempts to hit some themes, but it doesn’t go about them in a great way. They lack subtlety, they don’t go hard into any details, and they are a bit inconsistent.

For example, we have PleasureBots in this movie. You know what those are. And they are robots. But apparently, they aren’t affected at all by giant EMP bombs that turn off all the robots on a planet (and you know, those same bombs don’t do anything to the interstellar travel vehicles, but whatever).

The actions scenes are lame, the acting is poor, the twists are mostly nonsense. Not only did I hear snores in my auditorium, but I myself was going in and out as I tried to watch for anything to redeem this film. And there isn’t.

There are just no redeeming qualities here, and I cannot believe that it will be shown in a few theaters at some point in June.

My Bakery In Brooklyn (Potentially now just called Bakery In Brooklyn), is a small time movie that came out earlier this year. A january film, and you all know what they say about January movies.

But that usually means films released in the theater. There is no stereotype about VOD only films released in January, just the normal VOD stereotypes. But not all films straight to the internet are bad, so this one has a chance.

And technically, I only decided to watch it because I knew one of the main two leads, a girl who was in both Prom and Scream 4 (in the same year) and not a whole lot more. I had to see where she went from there!

She went straight into the hands of a lawyer, good choice!

Vivien (Aimee Teegarden) has a lot going on in her life, and she is about to go to Europe! But she is also dating a cute guy, a lawyer (Ward Horton), who works for a bank. She is close to her cousin, Chloe (Krysta Rodriguez), is a television producer (or something), for a cooking show with a famous chef. It is a hard job, but she has nutrition training and is up to date on all the latest trends.

And then their Aunt dies. It was sudden and unexpected, but she left the bakery she owned forever to Vivien and Chloe. Well, Chloe knows a lot about cooking, and Vivien was about to leave the country, so they basically agree to just let Chloe run it and have it. Until she changes her mind and shows up anyways.

Turns out they have different ideas on how to run the shop. Vivien wants to keep it traditional and honor her aunt. Chloe thinks they need to modernize it all, keep up with the trends, make it more healthy, and that will increase the profits and neighborhood image. They bicker and bicker, and even put a line down the middle of their bakery, in order to decorate and run it as they see fit, and compete to see who gets more business.

But guess what? The tax man cometh, and the bank is going to take their store thanks to unpaid debts. Damn it, Aunt. Now they have to work together to get a lot of money. And the boyfriend lawyer? He works for the banks. Ruh roh!

Also starring Aitor Luna, Anthony Chisholm, Blanca Suárez, Enrique Arce, Ernie Sabella, and Griffin Newman. And most of them have their own subplots too.

You see that? Right there? A goddamn line in the middle.

True story. I probably wrote this review the same day I watched the film. It was really easy to write, it just flowed off my fingers, and I trashed the fuck out of this movie. Which I still plan on doing. But for whatever reason, when it came time to post it two weeks later, it was completely missing outside of pictures and no revision history to speak about. Fuck.

This is not a movie anyone will care about, nor will anyone really want to read I expect given the lack of recognition. So normally in these cases, I would cut my loses, be upset, but not try and rewrite it. But I gave this movie a 0, and it came out in 2017, and if it ends up being one of the worst, then damn it, I need it to exist so it can be on a worse of the year list. So please, check back in 2018 to see if I actually did waste my time with this.

Here are the problems with this movie. First, there are too many side plots. These side characters who are involved seem to go off and do their own things, but don’t add much to the main story. Secondly, the ending is a complete and total cop out. But thirdly, of which I plan on mini-ranting, this is not a movie but a motherfucking sitcom pilot.

Sure, it is longer than a normal show, and this could’t work in the hour long format, so it would have to be a half hour comedy. But to assume that I would get to see a real film has me feeling a bit bamboozled. Being a pilot is the only way to explain why it is so terrible.

All the side plots? Good, it gives them something to work on and expand over the season, since they don’t help the movie at all. The cop out ending? It allows a longer plot where it may eventually backfire and have a goal later. But the acting isn’t great, the problems are minor, AND THEY PUT A LINE DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAKERY.

THEY. PUT. A. LINE. DOWN. THE. MIDDLE. OF. THE. BAKERY.

This is like number one on the list of things a bad sitcom eventually does, when two people have to share a space. It always ends badly, it is always stupid to watch, and everyone knows it. Yet it is 2017 and they added that plot point to a movie? I feel like I am just not being respected with this pile of crap in front of me.

My Bakery in Brooklyn? More like, My Shit in Brooklyn. And I will flush it. That is the proper thing to do, no matter where it is.

Honestly, I didn’t think I would watch The Boss Baby until at least this summer when it was out on Redbox to rent.

When I first heard about the film with a poster, I just hoped and assumed it was a joke. Then a teaser trailer and a real trailer happened. Then advertising in a lot of places. They are going full on with this movie, they are serious that it is real.

Just, honestly. Come on, fuck you Dreamworks. Your animation style for your not Dragon/Panda movies is usually terrible. Your plots are bad and simplistic. You will seemingly never reach the Disney/Pixar level of work if you continue to come up with shit. A talking baby that is secretly a CEO? Just, god damn it, Dreamworks.

Like someone saw Baby Geniuses or those E-Trade commercials and thought it was the perfect idea to make some money.

The only person here who isn’t trading stocks must be the kid sitting alone!

Our story starts with Tim (Miles Christopher Bakshi), a 7 year old kid, in love with the world. He has an overactive imagination which helps his play time as an only child. His mother (Lisa Kudrow) and father (Jimmy Kimmel) also spend a ton of time with him, even though they are both marketing workers at a place called Puppy Corp, which makes puppies or something. Oh, and he is about to have a baby brother.

Tim thinks his brother showed up on his own in a Taxi. He is already wearing a suit and a briefcase. He is a “boss” baby (Alec Baldwin), in that he immediately bosses around the house. He demands things of the parents. He takes up all of their love and attention and soon Tim feels alone.

But also, yeah, Tim finds the baby talking at one point. Perfect English. Being kind of a dick. Turns out this baby is from a place where babies come from. He was put into their management team, instead of given to a family, because he was the cream of the crop. They even have a special bottle formula to stay as babies forever, to help take care of baby interests.

And he was sent here on a mission. A spy mission. A deadly mission!? No, just a mission.

Steve Buscemi plays the Puppy Corp boss, and Tobey Maguire is the narrator/older Tim voice.

The sock straps freak me out seeing them on a baby.

I know the bias is coming out, but this was a terrible film. This is the worse thing Dreamworks Animation has put out since Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa. I somehow even liked Turbo more than this film.

Technically the whole thing is structured from an unreliable narrator, as we find out he is telling this story decades later, and we already established he has a big imagination, but it was too wild and over the place.

First of all, the plot is shit, the twists are shit, the mission, the backstory, it is just extremely poor writing. The comedy from the film mostly comes in the form of violence and arguing, between an adult baby and a regular kid. There is a scene where Tim records a baby meeting, which begins a way too long chase between the babies and him, to get the tape back. It is way too extreme and violent against the babies, I could barely stop rolling my eyes.

The baby also seemed to have some sort of magical powers as well that they never escaped. He could apparently teleport in the house to out of the house to in the house, because he kept appearing faster than he should have. And guess what, that is just still bad writing.

The animation wasn’t consistant. Eyebrows would get ripped off of a character, and somehow they showed them back the next scene, while acknowledging another character still having the ripped off eyebrows. Things would be thrown onto the ground and disappear a second later. The tiny inconsistencies between frames in a scene really made it look like a shoddy C grade performance. The parents forgot to act like parents at the end, for plot convenience, and didn’t question why their kids were suddenly in Vegas.

As a note, this film has references to other movies. We got an Indiana Jones scene, several Gandalf quotes from his alarm clock Wizzie, and even Baldwin quoting his famous lines from Glengarry Glen Ross. But references on their own cannot carry a movie, do not constitute real jokes, and are the second lowest form of comedy. Right above slapstick.

They really struck out with this film.