Tag: 0 out of 4

Arguably, this has been a great summer for Ethan Hawke.

In a few weeks, he was seen in two completely different movies. The first was The Purge, which doubled its budget in earnings and was a surprise early horror hit. The second was Before Midnight, the end of an eighteen year long trilogy, which featured some of the best acting I have seen all year. If that one isn’t nominated for awards, I will burn something.

I’d like to think he got greedy though. Why not add an action movie, Getaway, to his summer releases? Then the only thing he is missing is a comedy! This is what happens when you fly too close to the sun, Ethan. Tisk tisk.

Tisk motherfucking tisk. The movie starts right away with our “hero” walking into a home in complete disarray. The Christmas tree is in shambles! Brent (Hawke) receives a phone call from an unknown number on his wife’s phone (Rebecca Budig), who of course is now missing.

The phoneman tells him to steal a modified Shelby Mustang Super Snake (cool name car, I will admit) and await further instructions. If he gets caught by the police, his wife will die. If he disobeys his instructions, his wife will die. Basically, Brent is The Voice’s (Jon Voight) slave now.

During his tasks, The Girl (Selena Gomez) tries to steal the car from him with a gun! No, she isn’t actually playing a thug from the streets, like the trailer implies. She is just a rich girl, who also is really good at technology, and claims the car belongs to her. Brent has to keep her in the car, to help with the tasks at hand. Or at least, that is what The Voice tells him. Can this former NASCAR driver turned regular Joe Schmo save his wife? CAN HE!?

The exact moment in the trailer when you knew this movie would suck. Never before has it been so easily captured!I will try to be fair and start with the positives of this pile of excrement.

If anything, you can argue that this film offers nonstop action. As an action movie, that is something most can only dream about.

Unfortunately, that level of action is also one of the weakest aspects of Getaway. Car chases and crashes are fine, but to amp up the action, the director, Courtney Soloman, decided to try out a thousand different camera angles.

We have views of faces, of the car, from above, from the clutch, from the breaks, from security cameras, from the cameras in the car. Flash flash flash flash. This movie may induce seizures with how fast the camera angle changes constantly. I can tell you I developed a headache watching this movie, and one of the main reasons is the constant ADHD feeling of the camera.

Honestly, we only need to see him slam down on his break and change gears so many times during a single movie, not every single time he does it.

The other headache inducing parts of the film have to come from the very weak plot and acting. I am not saying Gomez and Hawke are bad at acting normally, just they are in this movie. It can only be blamed on the script and directing. I won’t even talk about the plot, it is just so unimportant and silly.

The ending leaves a lot to be desired as well. It technically gives us some sort of closure, while also kind of feeling like a kick in the metaphorical nuts.

Courtney Soloman has only directed two other movies. I haven’t seen An American Haunting, so I cannot comment on it, but thirteen years ago he directed Dungeons & Dragons which was a slap in the face for an entire culture with its level of badness. It is sad to see that after thirteen years, he has might have actually regressed in his directorial abilities.

0 out of 4.

Do not go see the movie Planes.

Fuck Planes

This won’t be a typical movie review, thus the use of quotation marks in the title. Normally I do a little bit of research about a film before I watch it, just so I can lay down some fun facts in these reviews. But what I discovered about Planes I found to be so unacceptable, I didn’t feel right telling everyone about it. But first, a little bit of back story.

For the main poster and Trailer for Planes, we see that it takes place “From Above the World of Cars.” Remember Cars?

Cars came out originally in 2006 as a Pixar movie. I linked to my original review of it, but if you are lazy, basically I describe how the movie is bad morally for children. In Cars, your job in life is based solely on what car type you are. The only exception is if you want to live below your means.

Cars 2 came out five years after that, also made by Pixar. This time they changed the main character and turned it into a strange Bond parody. More importantly, we should look at the villains. The main villains for Cars 2 are lemons, aka cars that were built badly and break down all the time. These cars only wanted more equality, but instead they are the butt of everyone’s joke.

This is all even more twisted when you realize that these cars were all created somehow. These cars age and live a life, so presumably more and more cars are created every day. These lemon cars in particular were created with the sole purpose of being lesser quality than their peers. Yeah, I’d be pissed off too.

No matter how you look at it, Cars 2 was a cash grab movie, made almost solely to sell merchandise.

So now, only two years after Cars 2, we are given Planes. One notable difference (that few people realize) is that this movie is no longer done by Pixar, but instead just Disney. You might be thinking, “Hey! Disney CGI isn’t that bad, they just did Wreck-It Ralph! This one might be awesome too!”

Yes. I too am a plane.

Well, Wreck-It Ralph was done by Walt Disney Animation Studios, their normal big movie company. Planes was done by DisneyToon Studios, who are most known for making the lame sequels to popular Disney movies. You know, Cinderella II: Dreams May Come, Cinderella III: A Twist In Time, Pocahontas II: Journey To A New World, and more. The last time they had a theatrical release was in 2006, with Bambi II, and that was only in theaters in Europe. Their last five movies that went direct to video were all based around Tinkerbell.

So why were they given Planes? Well it turns out, Planes originally was going to also be a direct to video release. However, Disney liked the animation enough to let them have a theater release. Great. Since Planes was meant to be direct to video release, it almost implies that they didn’t put a lot of work into it.

The budget for Planes was only $20 Million. To put that into perspective, Cars had a budget around $120 Million, and Cars 2 around $200 million. Turbo ended up at $135 million, and Wreck-It Ralph was at $165 million. CGI animated films are very expensive to make because the technology is expensive and they take years to produce. With a budget that low, either the film was rushed, or the CGI quality is low.I believe the evidence point towards both of these facts being true, since production of Planes didn’t begin until a few months after Cars 2 came out and was originally coming out Spring 2013.

If you want more evidence, they have already announced that Planes will be a trilogy. The first sequel has already been named, Planes: Fire & Rescue. The sequel also already has a release date set for July 18, 2014. Next summer! Less than a year after the first film, I can only assume that it is being rushed out.

To recap, in great detail I have explained why the Planes movie is just a huge cash grab. It has a low budget indicating lesser quality animation and less time spent for polishing/developing. It happens to be a spin-off of another cash grab movie. It is made by a studio who is only known for their low quality sequels to all of our favorite Disney movies. It is also banking on the fact that most people who see it will assume Pixar made the movie.

Unfortunately, by now, Disney has already profited on this film. Why? The same reason Cars 2 has made so much money. Merchandising. With a budget that low, they don’t have to care about quality when the merchandising alone is just pure profit.

So I plead with you, do the right thing, and do not go see this movie in theaters. Do not buy it on DVD or Blu-Ray. Don’t buy any of its toys for your families or friends. Disney should be punished for trying to pull this type of crap on us, making almost a mockery of the entire idea of movies as an art form.

Something something something planes.

Just to keep this legitimate, here is a quick synopsis and review.

Dusty (Dane Cook) is a crop duster from the midwest, who dreams of being a great racer, and joining the race around the world. Unfortunately, he is afraid of heights, which totally makes sense. Well, he qualifies barely and makes it to the race around the world! But certain other planes don’t like him, because he isn’t a racing plane. So with a little bit of can do spirit, he hopes to prove everyone wrong, and he can succeed despite being created for one purpose!

Also featuring the voice talents of Brad Garrett, Teri Hatcher, John Cleese, Cedric the Entertainer, and more.

I’d say that this movie did a good job of breaking the morals given to us by the Car movies. After all, it is a plane doing something beyond its design and achieving greatness. But in the film, in order for him to achieve his dream, he literally has to change everything about himself first. It really brings up the philosophy question dealing with the Ship of Theseus. Can we really say a crop duster has won a race, if he removed his crop dusting ability and replaced all of his parts?

The movie itself offers nothing new. It is incredibly inaccurate in terms of geography, despite making it clear that it takes place on some strange human-less earth. There are plot holes that a jet could fit through. They even showed scenes of planes during World War II, which accidentally makes this film incredibly dark. Is this really a world where planes go to war with other planes, and hundreds of machines die? Well, I guess it makes it more human-like in that regard.

Now remember, please do not support this movie.

0 out of 4.

To The Wonder is another movie I accidentally waited a long time to see. It is that video on demand stuff, I tell ya. It came out in APRIL, and I realized a month later I could see it. Very exciting. After all, I knew the actors in it.

I also knew that it was Roger Ebert’s last review. Pretty fucking exciting. Then just like every other damn video on demand movie, I forgot about it and look where I am now. Reviewing it after it comes out on DVD, like a chump. Sigh.

Life’s a beach, and then you’re Ben Affleck.

The movie begins in France. Huzzah! Neil (Ben Affleck) is a non descriptive American traveling in Europe. While there, he meets a Ukranian woman, Marina (Olga Kurylenko), and her daughter Tatiana. They fall in love, kind of, especially at this place: the Mont Saint-Michel. Aka, where that picture from above is taken.

So he invites her back to the US with her daughter to the wonderful land of Oklahoma. Because when I think of the US, I think Oklahoma.

By now you will realize something about this film. There is a lot of beautiful imagery. There is a lot of voice over in another language (woo subtitles). There is a lot of not talking. Huh? Yeah. The characters don’t really talk. There is little to none actual dialogue in this movie. Ben Affleck almost has more words spoken in Clerks II, which is shocking.

For whatever reason (I guess we get to make one up), Neil is afraid of marriage, so eventually Marina gets sent back to France. Neil is left doing some vague environment work with problems that vaguely hurt the poor people. He rekindles with Jane (Rachel McAdams) who has had a recent rough past, and loves her up too. Just no marriage.

Marina has a bad time in France. Loses her daughter to her ex-husband, has no job. But eventually finds her way back in Oklahoma, with the man she loved before.

Also, there is a priest, Father Quintana (Javier Bardem). He is important? Somehow?

See? He gets his own cool artsy shots and stuff.

Fuck. What in the fuck. Artsy movies sometimes really piss me off, when they go all art and no…substance? I want to say substance. It seems harsh, but it feels appropriate.

I found out there wasn’t a real script for this movie. Just an idea. Which explains how the entire thing is void of any real dialogue, minus one scene between Rachel and Ben. The actors were told to use body language and act a much as possible. You know what happens when you only use body language? A lot of strange scenes where two people are standing near each other, but looking off to the sunset or the hills, and then back at each other, then back at the scenery. All spliced together with other imagery.

Gah. I should I have paid attention to the director. Terrence Malick. I’ve reviewed one other movie from him. The Tree Of Life. A very polarizing movie, with good imagery, that people either loved or hated. I wonder if this is the same? I’ve actually only heard negative things, but I still wanted to watch for Ben.

Yes. A lot of the movie is visually pleasing, but I don’t want to see characters stand around during voice overs for two hours in pretty scenery. It is just not worth it.

The fact that I could write that plot summary only came thanks to the wikipedia article on it. Without it being explained, a lot of it just seemed up in the air and for anyone to interpret as they would like. I interpreted it as a shitty movie.

0 out of 4.

12 Rounds is a film that is now a bit older. Okay, 2009, so not too old. But I definitely remember seeing the trailer multiple times in theaters and dozens of TV Shots. You know what I thought of it back then? “Huh, that looks pretty good!”

Yeah, four years ago me was weird. Still, I never heard about it after the fact, but I did see that there was a direct to DVD sequel, 12 Rounds: Reloaded. Huh, so it was good…enough…right? To make a direct to DVD sequel? Something in the back of my mind made me want to watch it though. It could be really entertaining, if not just a bit silly.

YEAH. EXPLOSIONS! Miles Jackson (Aidan Gillen) is a big fancy arms dealer, a big bad guy, who they want to take down. Namely Danny Fisher (John Cena). Well, shit goes wrong. He almost gets away with his girlfriend, but then she gets hit with a car and dies. Shit, who saw that coming. Miles gets caught and he is pissed off.

A year later, Danny gets a phone call…FROM MILES! OH MAN! He has escaped from prison! And he has his girlfriend Molly (Ashley Scott) captive! Ahh! Miles tells him they are going to play a game, a game called 12 Rounds. He just passed Round 1 by surviving an explosion, and if he passes all 12 tasks, he will get the girl back. Sure. Right.

So Miles has Danny running around the city, with the help of the force (Steve Harris, Brian White, more) to get his girl back and also recapture and dangerous man. Also, explosions and death and shit. Lots of that.

Miles looks like a cross of Edward Norton and Josh Groban to me. Let’s just say this movie wasn’t as entertaining as advertised. Wasn’t even silly. It was a very serious faced film. Everyone took it very seriously, and I didn’t care one bit.

Shit, it took TWENTY minutes for the intro to finish so we could get to modern day and start the games. That is a long chase for the arms dealer dude. Who gives a fuck.

This movie literally gave me a headache with its badness. So I had to give it this rating, because I hate headaches. No entertainment value for me. Can’t wait for the sequel.

0 out of 4.

Honestly, I was willing to let Sharknado go by the wayside and ignore it forever. Sure, it is one of the most hyped SyFy original B-Movies in a long time, but it was even met with less than average number of watchers. Go figure. Most people just talked about it, very few watched it.

So why am I reviewing Sharknado? In honor of the life of Cory Monteith of course. Made famous by his character Finn on Glee, (and only that), he was an actor who recently died due to alcohol and heroine.

But no, Cory is not in Sharknado. He is now forever associated with the film for a different and worse reason. Case in point, here are his last two tweets before death. (For those who don’t know how to twitter, the bottom tweet is the oldest).

You’re damn right I retweeted them.

Maybe he actually died as a Canadian Government cover-up, as he was able to figure out the Sharknado conspiracy, but I doubt we will ever know for sure.

The vague plot of Sharknado is that a hurricane decides to hit the California coast. Los Angeles is right in its line of fire. The storm is causing sharks to run from it towards to coast, so there are dozens (hundreds) of sharks on the beaches, attacking people in about a foot of water. But when the rain comes, so does flooding, so the sharks are able to get further in land, still running from the storm or whatever. Even going into the sewer system! The sharks are also pissed off, so they will bite and eat anything they get near, except other sharks.

Eventually tornadoes hit LA as well, which pick up the sharks, and then in addition to destroying stuff, they also hurl sharks conveniently at anyone nearby. Well, it takes fifty minutes before there are sharks in a tornado, everything else before that is just flooding or minor wind based.

To add some plot to it, our main character’s name is Fin (Ian Ziering) which is funny now for two reasons. His two friends (Jaason Simmons, Cassie Scerbo) agree to help get to his ex-wives (Tara Reid) house, to protect her and his daughter…while also battling flooding, random sharks, and I guess the weather.

Because once the tornadoes start, clearly they have to find a way to stop the tornado itself. Not just wait it out like people have done for every other tornado in history.

Most of the movie is void of sharknadoes. I guess that is why the images were so hard to find online.

See, there are two types of B-Movies. Because B-Movie generally just means really low budget and they usually are overly campy as well. Still, there are two types. There are the types that are either entertaining through good dialogue or action, and those that are made on purpose to be bad. Those ones that are only enjoyable if you are drinking and making fun of it with friends. The first one is doable, just hasn’t been true recently. Just ask Bruce Campbell.

Sharknado fits into the second category. Seriously. Watching it for actual entertainment on your own is impossible. You will just get mad. It does this on purpose, but most of the best action happens off screen, which just means I am left bored. The danger they have to get through is boring, the dialogue is boring, and there isn’t even that much shark tornado action! The fuck. What if Anaconda had the snake only in the final quarter? You’d be pissed.

So I am pissed at Sharknado. They could have made it ridiculously awesome, but chose not to, because fuck it, low budget movies don’t need to make too much. Just enough. Dumb ass teenagers on the internet are hyping it up, and now there is a sequel. Shit. How can they do a sequel when they didn’t even have enough material for one movie?

0 out of 4.

Bieber Bieber Bieber.

I found myself surprised that Mr. Bieber had a second documentary coming out to DVD. The first one was pretty big news, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. Hell, it made me tear up a bit, and was in 3D. It made over $10 million in the box office, I am pretty sure (which is a lot for that type of movie). A lot of mother fuckers saw it. A lot of them probably saw it multiple times.

However this documentary is a different beast. Justin Bieber: Always Believe. For some reason it isn’t called Always Beliebe. Missed out on the pun, fuckers.

Anyways, this one went straight to DVD. I am pretty sure it was made for TV, and probably was on TV first, but I literally cannot find out which channel made it or showed it. I really can’t find it. Finding info on this fucking documentary is basically impossible. Which is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of problems.

This picture reminds me of the Nick Cage rape eyes pic.

Holy shit. I might have been scammed. There is a different documentary called Justin Bieber: All Around The World that exists and came out last year. But this one I can’t even fucking find on IMDB. But I totally watched it. What the fuck is this shit?

I think this is a fucking fake documentary, trying to make money off of people, despite you know, not being sponsored by Justin Bieber in any way. Here is how I know. One: Justin Bieber isn’t even in this movie. I cannot tag him. He has created no new content, no special shows, no intereviews for it. The only way he is featured is fucking repetitive photos shown while people are talking (each photo shown at least 5-6 times probably, they keep popping up), and old interviews when he was like, sixteen.

Most of the documentary is how he has matured, how his music fits a wider audience now (not just little girls), and his love of hip hop in his new CD. But you know, features only interviews of him when he was 15. Not even Usher is in this movie, despite how much he is talked about.

What is talked about? Two things mainly, after his love of hip hop. How much swag he has, which was probably said over twenty times in 65 minutes, and his relationship with Selena Gomez. Unfortunately, they don’t talk about how they aren’t together any more, so it ends happily, unlike Katy Perry: Part Of Me. What’s even worse about the Selena Gomez section, is they show a clip of them on some random red carpet together, over five times. THE SAME FUCKING CLIP. AGGGH!

Speaking of fucking repetition. To make matters worse, they also repeat the clips the interviewers say. So these people I never heard of (random producers, internet bloggers, company people), don’t even have enough material for the 70 minutes to talk about. At least twice did I hear them repeat an interviewee clip. What. The. Fuck.

I can’t describe this documentary’s legality at all, but it made it on the “Coming Soon” June list for dvd releases at the local rental shop. Like officially printed by the company. Shit, maybe Family Video made it and that is why it exists? I wan’t to review the legitimate documentary that I missed, but I don’t want to see anything about Bieber for a long fucking time. This is seriously one of the worst things I have seen. Never Say Never looks perfect in comparison.

His Swag looks perfect in comparison.

0 out of 4.

Whew.

Just whew.

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed was a documentary that raised up quite a stir when it was released. Like. A lot of stirs, a lot of negative feedback, and a lot of controversy. I think I vowed never to watch it back in the day, didn’t want to accidentally give it any money. So yeah, watching it was totally biased, and I probably made up my mind ahead of time. Deal with it. Reviews (and life) are sometimes not fair.

Hey, stop looking at that Darwin statue. Stop it right now.

The “documentary” was split into four basic parts. First, Intelligence Design as an alternative to Evolution, and the scientists who have tried to do research in it who have been “expelled”. Then eventually, that Nazis are a result of Darwansim/Evolution being taught. Whoa whoa whoa.

That seems like quite a jump, but yes. Ben Stein went full on Godwin’s Law. Made in 1990, he stated that “As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1.”

I used to love Ben Stein. Not for Ferris Bueller’s Day Off either. I hate his scene, and I hate everyone who quotes it when there is any silence. That isn’t original or funny. People should stop that. I liked him for Win Ben Stein’s Money. A great and funny game show, and well, it proved Ben Stein was kind of smart.

But a movie entirely about Intelligent Design? That isn’t even the big issue. The biggest issue is the amount of deception that went into this propaganda, to show only his (/their?) side of the coin. I realize that most documentaries are biased, which is why I rarely review them. But at least they try to hide the biases a little bit.

How could you Ben?? I trusted you!

So here is why it is bad. First off, in between the clips of interviews and scenic shots, there are clips from old shows and movies thrown in, to make light of certain arguments and mock them. Serious documentaries don’t do that, but comedic ones might. This one was not going for comedy.

Secondly, the amount of distortion done to the interviews, and facts not shown just to show one side and lie about it, is astronomical. That is a big science unit. In fact, there is a really long wikipedia article on the movie, that not only explains complaints by many of the interviewers, but also why their examples are wrong based on the facts they showed in the documentary. Literally, almost everything is wrong in this documentary, making it deceitful as fuck.

Even better, two professors at Iowa State University were mentioned in this, and at the time of writing, I am a graduate student there. Heck, I have talked to both of these professors, including Dr. Hector Avalos, a religious studies professor here, and he confirmed the same things. They were told they were getting interviewed for a different movie. The questions they were asked were misleading, their responses cut up to different questions to make a point that wasn’t made, and other shady tactics.

The scientist in me is literally exploding with rage over the attack on science in this movie, using underhanded tactics. The good person in me is similarly exploding, at the deception and lies thrown about. This is why I have a rating system that goes from 0 to 4, not 1 to 5.

I am not sure why it took me so long to see Tooth Fairy 2. It definitely came out to DVD when I was still at Blockbuster and watching everything that came in front of my face, but we must have been closing soon, because it just never happened. Thank goodness I get bored enough to throw it on the laptop, and can write this review.

Here is what I won’t do. I won’t complain the same rant I did in Tooth Fairy. But it is still true, and it is still very annoying, and yes the rating reflects that, for sure.

Good news, they brought back the pink tutu joke from the first movie, but you know, made it for 3/5 of the film!

Alright, this movie takes place in small town who gives a fuck. Larry Guthrie (Larry The Cable Guy), yes his name is fucking Larry, is dating a woman (Erin Beute). Surprise. Well, en route to a nieces one year old birthday party, they stop at a bowling alley.

Oh hey, chance to win a car. Just have to have name called in a lotto, then get a 7/10 split within three chances. Surprise surprise, Larry gets his name called, and does the most ridiculous shot ever to not only get the split but also several strikes lanes over. He is a local hero! Woman is mad at him for missing party, despite winning a new car. She is a bitch.

A year later, he is alone, and she is going to marry a guy running for mayor now (David Mackey). Way to fail. Well, he ends up ruining the fact that the tooth fairy isn’t real. Because he tells a kid the truth, he gets punished by tooth fairy. He now has to do tooth fairy-ing, collect 10 teeth in 10 days or else they will take out his favorite memory.

Kind of fucked up. Do you see where this is going? Good. I am done with it.

Thankfully they give him a…better outfit eventually?

Fuck this movie. It is worse than the first one. It takes all the good parts of the first one, and replaces them with shit. Seriously. The last one at least had hockey! And a better story line!

This has a bowling scene, and a mechanic who learns to what? Not tell kid the truth? I am confused.

He learns eventually that family is more important, and swooning over a woman. But holy shit, he won a bad ass car in the most amazing shot ever. She be trippin’. He was right, it is a 1 year old birthday party, who gives a poop?

Whatever. This movie was a bad idea from start to finish, and I even kind of liked the first one.

0 out of 4.

Yeah! War! Modern War! None of this sissy Vietnam movie crap.

We need an updated war movie. Preferably not one with people in deserts either. A sexy war movie, with a new opponent that isn’t a country, but maybe a small organization or a single terrorist? Something that you wouldn’t send an army after, but instead an elite fighting group of soldiers to take out and handle. Maybe, just maybe, you could send the Navy SEALS after them? They are exiting. They got Obama.

So why not make a movie designed to show off how cool they are? Like what Act of Valor does. Outside of the main unheard of actors, it has real Navy SEALS in the background to get people pumped up for war and the navy.

Actual Navy SEALS? Bonkers! But look look, there are actual GUNS as well!

The movie begins with a terrorist attack in the Philippians. It is a fucked up one too. Sure it takes out a US Ambassador, but also a dozen or more school kids. Whoa. Kid deaths. You know this is not a Spielberg movie. Who is to blame? A Chechen terrorist (hmmm, topical) named Abu Shabal(Jason Cottle).

You know what? I am already bored as fuck going over this plot summary. They have to go get him. There might be some drug smuggling stuff going on too. One of the seal team members is going to be a dad soon, so we know we have to watch his story closely. It’d be a shame if he died.

I don’t even want to tag any of the main people in this movie, because they are all SEALs. You know what that means? It means we are getting an action movie with shitty acting. Okay, that is probably normal for most action movies, sure. But this is even more shitty, as it is just regular people trying to convey emotion on camera.

Thankfully they focus more on the fighting and stealthing around. I guess.

Fuck the guns. This is an actual swamp. ACTUAL SEALS IN ACTUAL SWAMPS.

They should have used real actors for this. I don’t buy any of this bullshit of “the filmmakers realized that no actors could realistically portray or physically fill the roles they had written and the actual SEALs were drafted to star in the film.” That’s crap, actors do that all the time. It is called acting.

So instead we get a movie with a bunch of literal no names (I can’t tell if the names in the credits were changed to protect identities, or if they are their real names but no one cares) in the most generic feeling action movie ever. Honestly, maybe because they were going for realism? It just bored the crap out of me. You can read the very detailed plot description on its wiki link if you want, I just get so bored beginning to talk about it, I’d rather link you to my biggest competitor. Shh, wiki is so a competitor.

Maybe I am even more bugged out that the SEAL team members were basically forced to do this film. To use as a promotional campaign. A really fucking long promo ad. Maybe it will get people excited, but I doubt after the Somalian Pirate incident they needed more press.

Basically a superliminal version of Yvan Eht Nioj.

0 out of 4.

I love the summer. It lets me watch all the things I missed, and all the things I didn’t even know existed. Did you know there was a remake of Fame? No, not that TV show, like 2009 a new Fame movie. Hooray?

Yeah, I never saw the original. Or the show. Or the Broadway version. But I know this one is classified as a musical, and I like musicals, so fuck it.

The potential seems high for dance punching and fighting! Classic West Side Story. Just like the original Fame, I have been told, this story is told in a similar style. It is just a small group of friends in learning how to perform high school. No, it is a few different people who might not share social groups. It is split into 5 parts, of which are nicely labeled, I think. Audition, Freshman Year, Sophomore Year, Junior Year, Senior Year.

We get to see a few students over their careers in the high school, and what makes them tick. Like Jenny Garrison (Kay Panabaker, who you may remember from No Ordinary Family and younger sister of Danielle Panabaker). She is some sort of actor who can’t less lose. This Marco kid (Asher Book) tried to date her for two years and she finally relents. When she takes a card from a big time actor, who might give her a part, Marco is jealous. But she goes to him anyways, basically gets sexually harassed, and Marco can’t stand that commitment and leaves her.

Wait what? Way to be a douche Marco.

Or Kevin (Paul McGill). He came from bumfuck Iowa to be a dancer. He isn’t that good, yet somehow still accepted into the program. People make fun of him. Alice (Kherington Payne) outshines him. His senior year, his teacher won’t give him a recommendation because he is that bad, so he tries that suicide thing. What? How the hell could you be in a dance school for four years if you aren’t good enough?

Let’s try again. Denise (Naturi Naughton) and Malik (Collins Pennie) are both lying to their parents. Denise’s thinks the school is so much more uptight and she’d practice cello 24/7. Malik’s mom thinks he goes to a regular school (what?). Turns out Denise can sing, so Malik and Victor (Walter Perez) put her vocals on a track they are making, which gets played at a club. Alright! But when local producers hear it, they only like her vocals, not their work. Whoops.

Neil (Paul Iacono) wants to be a director, makes documentaries, gets a job to make an indie short film! But really, he just got scammed out of his money. Fuck.

These are all kind of depressing. I don’t want to go on anymore. But hey. Charles S. Dutton is in this movie as random teacher guy. That’s something?

Kay is the most famous actress in this, yet I couldn’t find her doing artsy things.
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Oh hey, yeah, I gave reckless spoilers in that review, because no one is going to watch it. No one. If you planned on it, stop right now. It is a jumbled mess. The music is bad. The dancing is whatever. I cared nothing about any of the characters, and just waited for it to be over.

None of the plot lines were particularly good, but they had no chance with so little being told about each person over a four year period. Even if I wanted to care, I couldn’t. Most of them got shit on throughout the years too, in various ways. But because so little time is on every single person, plot lines also get forget about and just ignored for the end of the movie.

How the hell are all these non talented kids getting into a program like this? That is a stupid plot line. Bad movie. Bad.

0 out of 4.