Tag: 0 out of 4

I don’t think we need a fucking introduction for Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

But if I did, I would probably just point you towards Sharknado, Sharknado 2: The Second One, and remake the same joke about Cory Monteith’s last two tweets.

That is, if I was doing an intro, of course.

If this review had pictures, I’d maybe make a joke about patriotic violence here.

Now that LA and NYC have been filled with disaster, Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) finds himself in the nation’s capital to receive a biggest honor a civilian can have from the POTUS (Mark Cuban) himself! Big deal! Then a sharknado happens of course. Don’t worry, we don’t have anything super drastic happen, like the president dying. Because Fin is there and he can protect the president!

But DC was just the start. Sharknados are starting to pop up all down the east coast, as a big…storm…thing begins to develop. Out of nowhere! So Fin has to get down to Orlando, where his wife, April, (Tara Reid), daughter (Ryan Newman), and mother-in-law (Bo Derek) are at for vacation. April is of course now pregnant, because that makes action movies more fun. Because if Fin doesn’t get down to Florida, clearly they won’t be able to survive on their own.

Thankfully, Fin runs into Nova (Cassie Scerbo) from the first film! She is with some dude, Lucas (Frankie Muniz), in a super armored RV, tracking where the storms will appear so they can fuck them up. Now he has a way to get down south.

Flashforward a bit, the only way they are going to stop the giant storm wall about to take out all of the East coast, involves going into space. That is how serious this film gets. And David Hasselhoff plays Fin’s father, an astronaut, which for some reason April also goes, regardless of her pregnancy.

There is also Blair Fowler, Jack Griffo, and Chris Jericho with notable smaller roles. And like, one fucking scene with Mark McGrath, the best part of the second movie.

Frankie Muniz should have been my McGrath in this movie. But he also was barely in it. 🙁

I feel annoyed at SyFy channel. They are intentionally making half-assed bad movies to achieve some sort of cult status. They have made tons of these, and unfortunately, for whatever reason, the Sharknado franchise has reached cult status. Probably due to good PR, I am guessing. But the franchise is not in the so bad it is good category, it is literally just in the so bad it is bad area. I feel like they don’t put effort into their film, so why should I put effort into the review?

This movie is not good. It doesn’t have amusing parts. It just has a lot of cheap parts. Clearly low budget for the sake of laughs, but it is just more of the same. “But wait, this one goes into outer space and terrorizes multiple locations!” Yeah. It does. New doesn’t make it a positive.

The only remotely interesting aspect is the death of Munez. And it was too ridiculous and nonsensical. So at the same time, even that is a disappointment.

And fuck. They of course confirmed the fourth one. Which includes whether or not a character will die at the start of it from the “cliffhanger” ending. So the internet will of course kill them off. And when it comes out, a month or two later I will end up writing what I hope is an even more half-assed review to match their franchise effort.

Is there a more universally hated super hero franchise right now than Fantastic Four? Specifically films with more than one movie. Catwoman, Elektra, Green Lantern are all bad but at least they stopped, and Daredevil redeemed itself with the Netflix series.

But Fantastic Four had two very mediocre films with big name actors, so they had to reboot it many years later or else they would lose the movie rights. Not unlike how the 1994 Fantastic Four movie came to existence. As expected, because people were already angry, the internet did not give Fantastic Four a chance. Every casting decision was scrutinized (The Human Torch being the most famous example), every time they didn’t appear at a con was noted, and when they finally came to a few, they were criticized for their trailer or being later.

It is a sad fate that no matter how good or bad this movie is, it is almost determined to fail because the internet has decided to hate it before giving it a chance. A lot like what happened to The Lone Ranger movie of a few years ago.

“What, do they not know what to do with their arms? This movie sucks based on a picture!” – The Internet

Sometimes when you are a kid, you have a dream for when you get older and it actually comes true. Like when Reed was in 5th grade (in 2007. Yes, the math works out and it indeed was that long ago), he wanted to be the first person to teleport and was already working on a device! He also befriended the slower Ben through his elementary experiments. Now, 7 years later, for his senior year science project, Reed (Miles Teller) has successfully built the device and is able to teleport something away and back! He doesn’t know where, but darn it, it works! And Ben (Jamie Bell) is still there, helping out by lifting things or buying supplies or something.

Needless to say, it draws at least some interest, namely from Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey), who wants to offer Reed (yes just reed) a full scholarship to NYC as part of the Baxter foundation. A giant building where he can school, do science, and live. Yay! Apparently Reed had solved an issue they were having for years, so Franklin gets his old team back together, including Victor Von Doom (Toby Kebbell), who is a bit chaotic. He also adds in his adopted daughter Sue (Kate Mara) who will build suits for them and his son Johnny (Michael B. Jordan) who has gotten into some trouble and can “build anything.” This is all important, because what Reed has actually done is created a portal to another dimension and another world!

They should totally try to go there. That’d be fun. Hopefully nothing would go wrong, affecting the structural DNA of any of these right out of high school aged individuals. That would be terrible. Also Tim Blake Nelson as our government bad guy, because you need one when science is involved.

“And knowing is half the battle.” – Cobra Commander or whoever is in this picture.

I won’t say the hate on the internet for this film is justified, because most of it came before anyone had a chance to see it. However, they ended up being correct in that the final product was anything but fantastic.

Don’t want to get into source material comparisons, so I will still note that I am bit disappointed that they used a lot of the “Negative Zone” but called it Planet Zero or something, and not by its comic name.

As for the characters, the entire team seemed to lack any real personality. Before the specifics, I should note that I really like Teller and Jordan in most of their movies and Mara was great in House of Cards and Happythankyoumoreplease.

However, for The Human Torch they made him whiny, even having him utter “I’m an adult, I’m old enough to make my own decisions!” to his dad. The few times The Thing/Ben was on the screen, it felt like he was just awkwardly standing off to the side, never understanding what was going on. Reasons to bring him along on the trip were silly and the friendship that was supposed to exist between him and Reed didn’t show up well in the film. Additionally, his voice when he was full on The Thing didn’t seem to fit his mouth well and always seemed jarring.

It feels like they forgot to do anything with The Invisible Girl, outside of having her like music and patterns with some cringe inducing scenes. And Reed never felt like the genius he was hyped up to be, just a kid with lame powers and lame motivations. Dr. Doom himself was rushed near the end. The fight didn’t make a whole lot of sense, because the film had a problem explaining anything that occurred, hoping the audience wouldn’t think too hard by rushing through all the science talk.

The only real chemistry I found believable was between Johnny and Sue storm as adopted brother and sister, which is probably the hardest thing to pull off. Makes one wonder if they forgot about everything else and focused just on their relationship. Somewhat related, their dad also called Victor and Reed “son” at various points in the movie, so at some point he just became everyone’s daddy.

Stretching out this review with a third picture, much like how Miles Teller can stretch out a conversation with witty retort.

The film can be broken down into three parts. A long introduction, which includes getting the powers and training (which also almost put me to sleep). One scene that is more akin to a horror film. Then a short rushed final CGI fueled fight.

Outside of the weak characters, the biggest problem seems to come from the tone. The Fantastic Four group is inherently cheesy. My favorite story about them is actually a short Norm MacDonald sketch talking about how ridiculous their names are. But the tone of the film is going for a darker more serious approach that is popular nowadays. However it never feels dark, it just forced. It is still cheesy outside of the “horror” scene with none of the grittiness seeming to work. It doesn’t help that the film is almost void of any action until the final fight scene, leaving just poor character development science montages to pick up the majority of the run time.

The Fantastic Four reboot might have actually been what we all feared, a cheap and quick film to maintain film rights. I maintain that if they had just brought in Zac Efron as Dr. Doom, this could have been better as a spiritual successor to That Awkward Moment.

Buy It! – This movie is available now on {Blu-Ray} and {DVD}.

The original Paul Blart: Mall Cop came out very early in 2009, which was a weird time in America. A lot of people lost their money and jobs, so they wanted entertainment to take them away from this brutal thing called life, to help them pass the time until something good finally happened.

That movie was just another kick in the nuts for America. In fact, it was so bad, no one even noticed when Observe and Report came out two months later. That ended up being the better film, but no one wanted to watch something with another mall security guard.

Now, six years later, the movie gods have decided that we have forsaken them over and over again, with shitty film after shitty film. So they have decreed there would be a sequel, aptly named Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2!

And unless we change our ways, they have even threatened us with a television show for his story to continue, guaranteed eight seasons. This news blurb came to me in a deep theater based prayer.

Bow down movie watching mortals and repent! For he acts for your sins!

Paul Blart (Kevin James) was lucky. That is what we have learned since the first film. Six years later he is still working the same crappy mall security job, doing what he loves. However, his wife that he met in the first film left him after six days. And then his mom died after getting hit by a vehicle while checking the mail. Yep. Everything is shit for Paul. At least he still has his daughter, Maya (Raini Rodriguez) who loves him. However, she got accepted into UCLA, and that would have her move far from home. Best to ignore that until a critical moment later in the film.

Thankfully, there is the perfect distraction. Paul gets invited to a security guard conference in Las Vegas, very exclusive, only for the best of the best!

Unfortunately, bad things are also afoot at the conference. Vincent Sofel (Neal McDonough) is there with a bunch of bad guys! They are going to steal works of art from the hotel that are worth millions! Mwhaha!

Too bad they are going to underestimate the small security guard conference sharing a hotel with them. Typical bad guys, ignoring mall security. Have they learned nothing in six years?

A lot more people here, but none of them are really important enough to talk about their characters. But they are played by David Henrie, D.B. Woodside, Nicholas Turturro, Loni Love, Gary Valentine, Ana Gasteyer, Eduardo Verástegui, and Daniella Alonso.

This picture makes it look like Kevin James has a tiny mouth under his real mouth.

I don’t hate Kevin James, I actually like him. I am not saying he is a great actor, but he can be a funny dude. Remember Hitch? Hitch wasn’t that bad. And I thought Here Comes The Boom was way better than it had any right to be. My first media intake of James was actually his stand up special Sweat the Small Stuff (I never watched The King of Queens) and loved it for years! It just seems that no one outside of Adam Sandler is giving him any work to do which is sad. Everything is also super family friendly. He could do great with some more at least upper teenager material.

Unfortunately instead we get shit like Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, where everything is a fat joke, slap stick, or just awkward in the worst ways.

The acting is bad, the plot is worse, the characters are boring and not funny. Nothing works in this movie. Sure, technically it tells a mostly cohesive story, but it does it in the lamest ways possible. It doesn’t even want to treat its hero correctly. Watching his mom get killed by the car and the divorce so soon into the film, it was clear this was a movie to make fun of a man and shit all over him and not to laugh with him. Those things felt mean, not funny, and set the tone for the entire rest of the movie.

Kids might find this movie funny, but I would never show it to my own. I try to only show them good material and not just the lowest common denominator film for the cheapest laughs. That is why they will never see Planes under my watch. And hopefully they won’t even have to live in a world where a third one of these films gets made.

The release of Seventh Son was overshadowed because it came out the same day as Jupiter Ascending, which is interesting. The later is a sci-fi/fantasy epic that was faced with delays and the release was moved back. The former? A fantasy epic that was faced with even more delays and production issues.

Production on this movie began in early 2012. The visual effects of the film was being done with Rhythm and Hues Studio, famous for getting best Visual Effects in the Oscars for Life Of Pi, while also filing for bankruptcy. Not a good time for that studio, tons of layoffs despite their impressive work.

So in 2013, Seventh Son was still in production and the company got a loan to help finish the movie. It was pushed back to October 2013 release. Then it was pushed back to January 2014 thanks to Legendary Pictures and Warner Bros. breaking apart.

However, once Universal got the distribution rights end of 2013, they said nah, let’s wait til February 6, 2015. They didn’t give any fucks about the movie and figured they’d have no competition. Which again, is amusing that Jupiter Ascending came in and fucked up any chance of them actually making money.

Well, costume wise it looks like a nerds wet dream!

Seventh Son is a story about a witch and a witch hunter. Clearly star crossed lovers. The witch, Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore), is being all evil, and Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges), the Spook, wants to stop her. During a routine snatch and grab, they almost succeed too! But no, she escapes, and she kills his apprentice (Kit Harington).

So instead we get Tom Ward (Ben Barnes), who is the seventh son of a seventh son. That means something. It means a lot of fucking and babies. When the Spook showed up, he knew already he was leaving thanks to dreams, so he kissed his mom, Mam (Olivia Williams) good bye and went on his merry way.

Things get a bit more hairy when Tom also sees a girl about to be mobbed for being a witch. He had visions of her and him, so he saves her too. Her name is Alice (Alicia Vikander). That is nice.

What is not nice when she goes back home to her witch mom (Antje Traue) who is involved with Mother Malkin. Ah interesting.

Then some witch magic stuff happens and people get hurt, lies get said, and of course, even more magic stuff. Also with a John DeSantis and a Djimon Hounsou!

On the other hand, this image looks so uncool, Outkast wouldn’t even touch it.

First of all, I apologize for that last caption joke, it is terrible.

Second of all, I feel really really bad for Rhythm and Hues studio. They did amazing work with Life Of Pi, then they got shit on, then they had to make this piece of crap. I want to assume that the reason this movie is not visually pleasing to look at is because the studio had to lay off all of their workers and work on a very small budget. I hope so. Because the CGI and effects were anything but quality.

You know what it reminded me of? Dungeons and Dragons, the movie. That is a really mean comparison, technically. That movie was terribad. But they are both pricey fantasy films that wanted to reach for something greater, but instead fell down into Mediocre Valley, looking ugly to boot.

But good looks aren’t the only important thing to a film. Acting and plot! So dang important! This one has two people who have won Best Actor and Best Actress at the Oscars! Hot damn! They can’t save this story though. They don’t even attempt to save it.

Jeff Bridges is basically transforming into Nick Nolte. The last few movies with Bridges have been hard to understand. This movie was the worst, with the movie almost demanding you watch it in subtitles to understand a damn thing he says. Moore plays a caricature and a non-interesting villain, and so she too is completely forgettable.

The plot itself would be easier to follow if there was anything remotely exciting about this movie. A yawn fest, beginning to end. It is a shame Sci-Fi is getting such a revitalization in the film industry and fantasy films seem left to die in its wake. We had a good thing going on with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but the disappointing Hobbit films and absolutely nothing else going on seems to mean it has to wait for the eventual Harry Potter reboot to be good again.

Where does one begin when talking about Strange Magic? Well, first of all, it basically came out of nowhere. There were two main “kid” movies out in January. Paddington, which had tons of press and was actually pushed a little bit from December, and Strange Magic which had maybe 1 poster hung up somewhere in America.

I mean seriously, I saw no trailers ever, nothing on TV, no screening events, no kiddy toy promotion with a major realtor or fast food store. Did anyone know this movie was happening? Oh, George Lucas apparently knew it was happening. It was a Lucasarts film, which is now owned by Disney, but apparently it has been in development/production for FIFTEEN YEARS.

Anything that takes that long has to have some bad moojoo on it. Remember Duke Nukem Forever? There is attempting to make sure everything is perfect and forcing a boulder up hill.

And then there is this awkwardly realistic and equally awkwardly not dude.

The movie begins with the (world?) divided into two lands, a fairy land that’s all light and happy, and a bog land that is dark and scary. Immediately you might be thinking of Epic or even Secret of the Wings, it is a popular trope. The movie then begins with a very familiar tune.

Then there is singing. Singing of old songs. What is happening. Oh, not only was this movie mysterious, but it was also a JUKEBOX MUSICAL. So many of the characters sing real popular-esque songs. However there is no theme here like in Mamma Mia and they are just all over the place.

Ugh. Anyways. Marianne (Evan Rachel Wood) is a fairy princess. She is going to get married to Roland (Sam Palladio) but finds him kissing another fairy on their wedding day. So she goes a bit gothic and swears to never love again. Years later, her sister Dawn (Meredith Anne Bull) is in love with everything and everyone, much to her annoyance. Roland is still around, trying to marry Marianne just to control the army and become a powerful ruler.

So what does Roland do? He convinces Sunny (Elijah Kelley), an elf with a crush on Dawn, to get a love potion made so that they both can use it and get what they want. The only person who can make a love potion is the Sugar Plum Fairy (Kristin Chenoweth), who was captured by the Bog King (Alan Cumming), because he hates love and love potions, or something.

I mean, he has a point. They are pretty rapey. Needless to say, shenanigans happen thanks to the Bog King also kidnapping Dawn after she gets hit with the potion. So back and forth they go, singing and dancing, and stopping overall bad stuff from happening. Hooray kids movies and learning to love again!

There is also Alfred Molina and Maya Rudolph voicing royal parents, and Peter Stormare and Bob Einstein voicing random shit.

First we battle in an epic fashion, and then we dance!

How much do you really want to hear strange covers of Sugar Pie Honey Bunch and Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)? You don’t, you are right. This movie is full of songs you might have got to sing for public school middle school chorus classes or hear all the time at karaoke bars. Not having a theme isn’t an issue. Moulin Rouge! had no theme for the songs and they kicked butt.

Honestly, this movie in a vague description sounds like something I would love. I love musicals. I don’t mind fairies. I like nice CGI movies. But somehow this movie managed to fire on zero cylinders. Nothing felt like it worked. Parts of the animation were nice, and other parts looked like complete shit. They had really good voice talent, and wasted it on one of the most boring lists I have ever seen. None of the songs are really trying, they are all super safe and lazy. I Want To Dance With Somebody? Great song. Terribly easy to put into one of these and force a context for though.

Ugh. It ended up not being funny, not looking very pleasing on the eyes, and even made me dislike singing. How that is possible, I won’t ever know. I mean, I even gave Walking On Sunshine a 2 out of 4. This one just felt like an awkward mess. Knowing that Disney now owns Lucasfilms, it must have been in the buyout that they had to help fund or release this movie, and they just tried to sneak it out hoping no one would notice.

1350 may be the least significant number in human history that is divisible by 50. Maybe. But it is my number and that’s why I like it.

Because today is my 1350th movie review, meaning it is time for another Milestone Review! I have now switched to the format of “Well known bad/awkward movies” from the past 10-15 years. And hey, maybe they aren’t actually that bad! Maybe they weren’t given a fair shake.

Maybe. And this is double exciting, because it is Yay Women Week, so I am able to showcase something like, Catwoman, and have it fit a theme and be a milestone at the same time. Literally the best.

But also, I am doing this because of regrets. This should have been my last Milestone Review. I ended up reviewing Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow last time, on a week full of movies that only had 1 word titles, all beginning with C. Jeez. I dropped the ball on that one.

“If I was a cat, I would never drop a ball ever again…”

The movie begins with our “hero”, Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) dying and drowning. This is alledgedly also the day she finally started to live. You know, one of those movies that spoils some shit.

So instead leads go back to before and man, Patience really really sucks. She is a graphic artist for a make up firm. Really good it, but a beta bitch so she doesn’t try for much. She has a friend, Sally (Alex Borstein), and I am honestly already done talking about her.

She is a Meek little woman. For instance, she will mumble at people across the big ally to turn off their music. Mumble at them to stop and then get all sad when they don’t.

She works for some place called Hedare Beauty (yawn), and they are going to release some new skin cream, Beau-Line (bigger yawn), which can reverse the effects of aging. Allegedly. That’s right. This movie is about fucking skin cream.

AND CATS TOO. Jeez. We will get there guys. Calm down.

Needless to say, there is something weird with this skin cream. Apparently if someone stops using it, they will start to eventually develop huge rashes on their face. Clearly the solution is to never ever stop using this skin cream. Problem solved. Dr. Ivan Slavicky (Peter Wingfield) wants to pull the plug on it, BUT NO. THE HIGHER UPS NEED IT TO HAPPEN.

Somehow, Patience gets lost trying to turn in a presentation update and finds herself in the factory with the scientist and overhears the negative effects of it. Great, now they have to kill her. Not really seeing her, they rush to kill her anyways. She escapes down some big tubes, which they “flush” out. And of course this involves filling them completely with water and going over a cliff HUNDREDS of feet into the air into the ocean. If anything, this company should be brought to justice for their clear inability to not pollute the ocean at extreme levels.

Either way, she washes up onto the shore and the cats start surrounding her and meowing at her with extreme prejudice. And you know. she comes back to life.

Extreme. Prejudice.

You may be wondering why the cats did this. Well, it turns out they tested her earlier on in the movie, and it took twenty minutes to get to this scene. But I wanted to hurry and get there. The cat in the picture, went to her apartment and went on a dangerous part of railing. For whatever reason, Patience went out to try and save her. In reality, it looked like she just wanted to jump. Which is how she met the cop, Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt), who a character I won’t talk about anymore calls a “Man Sandwich”. saves her instead. Aw, true love maybe.

But also, we all should realize there is no way that man should be considered the most attractive man ever.

Either way, back to the cats. They gave her cat powers. You know, a love of milk and fish. Jewels and shiny thigns. Apparently the ability to climb really well and some dexterity. Magical cat shit.

She even follows one and finds out they belong to our resident crazy cat lady (Frances Conroy). They thought she was worthy of their cat powers, and have been doing it for thousands of years. So hey, she can be the next Catwoman. Or something.

The cats also convince her to cut her hair and be more daring!

Either way, Patience loses her job for reasons, so starts doing whatever she wants. That is apparently stealing jewels and stealing hearts. You know, she goes into a jewelry store to steal stuff, all cat like in her new leather outfit, and OTHER CRIMINALS ARE ALREADY STEALING. She is all “What a PURRRRRFect idea!” because she hates the viewers of this movie.

She also wants to get her dating on. You know, with the cop. So they do fun date things, like volunteering at youth areas. And the kids might demand things of them, like watching them play one on one.

ONE ON ONE BASKETBALL. LET’S ALL WATCH.

Did you watch? You better have. Only two minutes. It is probably the worst scene of the movie, which is full of these. They basically have awkward feel up moments on there. And the scene is full of bad music and quick cuts, but the music only gets worse and the cuts get even quicker the rest of the movie.

Hell, now she has confidence to break up the party across her ally! And she is wearing leather, well, even LESS leather than before. And motorcycles!

Sickest basketball moves I have ever seen.

Now that Patience has found out that less is more with her outfit, she goes night clubbing to find the first guy who tried to kill her in the factory to get some revenge. And she discovers a whip, and she is good at using the whip to beat his butt! Hooray!

But let’s get back to romance. They go to the carnival. And hey, the ferris wheel starts to break while they are on it. Good thing hunky cop can climb down to try and stop things, and Patience can sneak down and save a kid with her cat-abilities.

Their romance works out fantastically. So that is good news.

But hey back to the other plot. Evil corporation owner George Hedare (Lambert Wilson) and his wife, Laurel (Sharon Stone) are having marriage problems. She used to be the face of the line but she is getting old, so there are new younger girls. And he is probably cheating. Catwoman thinks she can trust Laurel because she is mad and has helped her get details on the bad people. Turns out, Laurel was just framing Catwoman. How so? Well, Laurel decided to kill her husband because she wants to own the company, wants to get rich and get back at him and also, fuck Catwoman. Amirite?

Oh yeah, not only does the framing pretty much work for putting a bad spin on Catwoman, but her cop man figures out the connections so Patience totally goes to jail.

I am sure at some point she is breaking some public indecency laws tto.

Needless to say, everything is about to hit the fan. She is jailed, the company is about to release bad skin cream, and she is in jail. Somehow she is able to convince the cops to let her go and investigate the company. Well, that is good news.

So Catwoman goes back to the factory, wanting to find evidence to shut it down before silly women everywhere get rashes on their face, or worse. You know, they actually get the benefits of the product and Laurel gets filthy rich on them. Before I talk about the ending, let’s look at another Catwoman pose.

The pose makes it so she can pounce, bite, and bat at yarn.

Guess what, it turns out Laurel has been using the project almost forever. Well, longer than any test subject. So her skin has actually kept the youth but also is as hard as marble. Yeah. Bet you didn’t see that one coming. Now Laurel and Catwoman can fight without it just being an awkward gun fest. No, the cop can handle the gun fest. Instead we get our Catwoman scratching and clawing Laurel and not really leaving a mark. Because you know, Marble.

Seriously. The main villain gets to just be a rich woman who has hard skin and is kind of mean.

Guess who dies during the fight? Yeah, of course, Laurel. She gets a bit scratched up, and almost falls to her death, but Catwoman tries to grab her hand and save her. Too bad Laurel sees the scratch marks in a reflection, is so disgusted by her outer looks, that she shrieks and falls to death. Not a normal fall, but into a neon light thing, allowing her to fry up after the fall as well.

So Catwoman gets cleared of all charges and decides to become a good guy super hero! Just kidding, fuck the cops, she just wants to do what she wants to do. So yah. End of movie. Catwoman will now no longer roam the streets until she appears in The Dark Knight Rises, completely unconnected to this movie.

In case you missed it, the film ends with a cat fight.

This review gave this film way more courtesy to the plot than the actual screen writers must have done. It took only four minutes or so into the movie before I had already hated it, and I still had 100 minutes to go. Things were not looking great.

I couldn’t even get through the basketball scene without pausing and taking a nice break. Even if it is the worse scene, the other scenes were not much better. The last time I have seen that many quick and headache annoying cuts, it was thanks to the film Getaway (which honestly might have been worse in that department, but I don’t want to throw up again just to find out if it is true). The puns weren’t even enjoyable puns.

The ending was atrocious (Word of the day, sorry), and of course the CGI was bad. The movie came out in 2004. Almost nothing good came out in 2004 in terms of CGI. Outside of Harry Potter 3. Spider-Man 2. The Incredibles. Oh okay, no, it was just bad shit thanks to whoever made this movie.

This film single-handedly ruined Halle Berry’s future. She had the occasional spark after it, but nothing that would get her into any award territory. Let that be a lesson for everyone. Catwoman is terrible, and can kill your job.

Alright, I am kind of cheating here. Day 4 of Blackweek means documentary day, and well the documentary day is always the hardest to fit the theme. And I clearly reviewed Blackfish about two years early because it was the perfect fit for this moment. And a documentary about The Black Panthers isn’t out yet.

So no, I am stuck with Black Friday. A 35 or so minute documentary done by an indie lady about shopping. So a pretty short one, which makes me feel like I am cheating. Is this really an appropriate time investment for anyone? Nah. It is taking me more time to write this small review than it took to watch the short thing.

This documentary is brought to us by Cora Berchem, someone who is on a lot of tech crews, and her first shot at directing something. It is on Vimeo. I watched it here. You know, just so you know it is real.

Well, glad we have that descriptor of one of our interviewees. Very helpful!

Here is what the doc covers. Very brief history on the term Black Friday. Why it is good for business/the economy. And then it has a whole bunch of people getting interviewed, mostly people from the NY/NJ area. Definitely doesn’t branch off there.

These people are literally just complete randos. Maybe all friends or coworkers of the director, I don’t know. Maybe one person was qualified to really talk about anything in this documentary outside of personal opinions and experiences with the holiday.

And that is about it. It is literally just a few people spouting mostly just their opinions on what they like or don’t like about Black Friday shopping, the traditions. Documentary over.

Fuck, what a waste of time. I don’t know what I expected from such an indie first time effort. But I figured it would try to make a point about…something. Something at all. Oh well. Let’s call this a filler review for a not real thing.

I wanted to see Mortdecai. Really I did, when it came out. But something came up and I wasn’t able to go to the screening.

So I went home and waited. I saw as the pages and pages of reviewers and critics talked about how bad the movie was. What? How can this be? I liked the trailer. I thought it would be amusing. But I still find some of the more quirky characters that Depp plays to be quite endearing.

I was even more excited to find that the movie was rated R. So it wouldn’t be some just zany family movie, “Oh teehee, look at my moustache!” or anything. We might get more creative and raunchy jokes.

So I waited even further. Still with the hope that maybe everyone would be wrong about Mortdecai, in my head. Much like they were wrong about The Lone Ranger.

Rumor has it that Depp literally sexually assaults all of the viewers of this movie.

Charlie Mortdecai (Johnny Depp) is an eccentric rich man. Or at least, he used to be rich. They are on their last legs and just putting up a false front now. He also has decided he wants to grow a mustache. It is a tiny thing. But all of his family in the past had them, and he wants one now! This mustache is more of the main plot than the art aspect of it all.

His wife, Johanna (Gwyneth Paltrow) hates the mustache and more or less refuses to interact with him throughout the film because of it.

A famous painting is stolen from a home by Emil (Jonny Pasvolsky), that is then stolen from another thief, and everyone is up in arms over it. So Inspector Martland (Ewan McGregor) comes to Mortdecai for help, due to his art knowledge. And yeah. You know. A comedy heist-esque movie about finding a painting and other secrets. Mortdecai also has a loyal man servant, Jock (Paul Bettany), who is great a sex and making sure Mortdecai doesn’t die.

And of course there is Jeff Goldbloom as an Art guy with his nymph daughter played by Olivia Munn. And Paul Whitehouse is in this movie, but I was sort of unsure of what his overall role was. Besides an art enthusiast/collector.

Ewan bringing back a pseudo mullet. I can’t say I approve. 😐

Fuckkkkkk. January movie gonna January I guess. Like I said, I thought it looked amusing. I thought it could have been great. I figured it would have earned the R rating, but it felt like a regular PG-13 by the end of it. Shit, outside of Mortdecai’s desire for sex and the sex references to his man servant, it felt like it oculd have been PG.

But that is also because I don’t remember a lot about it. At all. I just watched it and I am sitting wondering why I kept going. It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t sexy, it wasn’t even too original. Art movies in general tend to e pretentious sorts of things, and I believe it was attempting to mock that pretentiousness, but fuck even that failed.

I think I am mostly disappointed in the all-star cast giving me this overall dud. Maybe one recurring joke throughout made me amused, which involved Jock continually getting injured. But that is it.

Mortdecai is 107 minutes long, making it roughly 115 minutes of your time wasted. Added in extra for bathroom breaks and time thinking about actually w atching it.

I can’t remember the first time I heard about the movie The Loft. I do know that it was supposed to come out in the fall of last year, but the date was pushed back til 2015, thanks to As Above, So Below.

Apparently, they were deemed to close and needed a breathing room of about 5-6 months between films. Huh.

Oh, because this is a thriller. A sexy thriller. With multiple people who have been in movies based on comics! Whoa. What could go wrong!

Well, it could be a total sausage fest I guess.

Five men. One room. Lots and lots of extramarital affairs. For whatever reason, let’s just say the extreme influence of a couple of individuals, they all wanted to cheat on their wives. So if they all put in together for a nice Loft in the city, they could go there at any point, sleep with their lady friend, and their wives wouldn’t know. Wouldn’t have to buy hotel rooms, they would be the only ones with a key. Nothing could go wrong.

UNTIL THEY SHOW UP ONE MORNING AND FIND A DEAD HOOKER ON THE BED.

Not just any dead hooker. Sarah Deakins (Isabel Lucas), who most of them had a relationship with in one way or another at some point. Not talking sex. But just general interactions with.

So five guys, five keys. Who did it? Who killed the woman? They can’t just call the police, or else all of their relationships will be rightfully ruined. So through a series of mostly flashbacks, the occasional police interrogation, and just general shouting match, we can maybe piece together who did what. Why people did things. And just who the hell is a killer?

It could be any of these men! James Marsden, Karl Urban, Wentworth Miller, Matthias Schoenaerts, or even Eric Stonestreet. Just, big gay man on Modern Family, Eric Stonestreet.

“I’ve never seen so many dead hookers in all my life!”

There isn’t a lot to say about this movie.

It was boring, it was dull, it was convoluted. Everyone is a scum bag, which is a hard film to watch. No one is the guy to root for, you just want them all to lose. Everyone sucks, some people just suck a little bit more.

And really, it was hard to follow at points. With flashbacks, interrogation scenes, and real time, it tried to build up suspense, but made me check the time left instead.

If I had to say one good thing about this movie is that sometimes…every once in awhile, the camera work was pretty nice. I guess? The only other thing I could say is…uhhh.

Well shit. That’s about it. Some nice camera work. Fuck this boring movie.

I know. I missed out on a lot of January movies this year. They are slowly trickling down to me though. And I need to watch them all too. How else can I make a worst of the year list if I don’t see some of the best potential films that January want to offer me?!

I already saw Taken 3. But now I get to see The Boy Next Door.

Title wise, I only have to compare it to The Girl Next Door. And despite how much my younger self was really really excited to watch it for…reasons. I was left disappointed and never looked back. Little did I know how January this movie would be.

They had an exact replica of the room I write reviews in this movie!

Claire Peterson (Jennifer Lopez) is an English teacher at a high school. If her job profession didn’t bore you, the actress probably did. She is getting divorced from her husband (John Corbett), obviously, because that is really the only person she could get divorced from. He cheated. They have a teenage kid, Kevin (Ian Nelson). Ho hum.

Well, gossip time. A boy moved next door. Noah Sandborn (Ryan Guzman), just moved in with his grandpa in a wheelchair. He is going to help out. Such a nice guy. He also likes English Literature, like The Iliad. And he is friends with Kevin! And he helps out at the house too. And he apparently looks good naked.

Anyways. Claire and Noah have some of that sex thing. She was feeling bad. He was around. Kind of a mistake, since he is also in high school. Now in HER high school. Sex with a student is uncomfortable.

Especially when he transfers to her class. Starts hanging around a lot more. Starts getting threatening/agressive. Prints pictures of them naked together. You know, classic courting techniques. Turns out Noah has a not so spotless past. Mistakes have been made, and Noah might be a little bit too threatening. Dun dun dunn.

Also with Kristin Chenoweth as another teacher. She serves a role in this movie.

“Looks your in the kitchen. Allow me to grope your butt?”

The best way to indicate sleep through text is to just type the letter “Z” a lot. But I don’t think I could hold down that keyboard button long enough to indicate how much I would have rather slept than watch this movie. It didn’t even have the common courtesy to put me to sleep. My eyes were wide awake the entire time as I watched a terribly acted, terrible plotted, movie.

I can’t think of a single nice thing to say about it. Jennifer Lopez? Why the fuck is she in movies at all? Why were both the female leads singers in the first place? I mean, sure, Chenoweth has been decent in some things before, because at least she is in Musicals. But J-Lo ain’t in anything good. She doesn’t fit this movie at all, or her character.

It is uncomfortable, but not in a good way. It is uncomfortable because of just how pointless and shitty the whole film feels. It wasn’t ever scary, outside of knowledge that someone let this movie get made. Not only was it devoid of thrills, it was also devoid of any real risks. Anything to make it separate itself from straight to DVD horror films. I’d rather watch a straight to DVD horror film. At least someone of significance might at least die or something. Jeez.