Tag: 0 out of 4

There comes a time, when we heed a certain call. When some countries, must come united as one. That is basically the intro to We Are The World, and I am stealing it. But it is okay because I said so right now.

United Passions is about bringing people together, who share a passion, and uniting them under one. A federation of like minded individuals. One that is international. One where people are proud to associate with each other. One where people can talk about Football.

That’s right. FIFA. United Passions is about the founding and history of the organization that brings us the World Cup every four years and is totally fine with people dying in Qatar so the world cup can be there in 2020. They had quite a bit of controversy this year, with charges being put on many members, accepting bribes and kickbacks from announcers and and sports marketing organizations. This had led to situations like, I don’t know, Qatar having a world cup, and a shit ton of revenue going into these people’s hands.

So the fact that they also have a movie coming out to show how great they are is both terrible timing, and also just pathetic in the strongest sense of the word.

Despite the number of trophies awarded in this film, this film will be awarded no trophies.

This is the part of a review where generally I do a rough plot outline or synopsis to let you know what the movie is about. But you know what it is about. It is about the founding of FIFA, how it started, and things that happened in its history after the fact. As John Oliver put it, it is a sports movie about the executives, not the sports stars.

And I can’t be too detailed, because after about 10 minutes I realized how much of a piece of propaganda junk this was, and my brain started to shut off. So here are the bare essentials. Gérard Depardieu plays Jules Rimet, one of the original founders who had to convince everyone this was a good idea. He also might have been their first president? He really wanted Africans and South American’s to be treated with respect and have an equal chance of winning.

Sam Neill is Joao Havelange, who helps FIFA get bigger or something. Also eventually corruption. He is replaced by Sepp Blatter, played by Tim Roth, who totally gets the corruption out of the game. Totally. Also in real life not movie land, Blatter is one of the biggest components in the corruption scandal.

Also featuring Jemima West, Thomas Kretschmann, and Fisher Stevens.

And now the ball is in our court, viewers and soccer fans.

So I am taking these claims from Wikipedia, but I am sure they are sourced correctly. About the corruption and the film ignoring FIFA’s current reality and the decades of rumors:

Roth has said that he asked the filmmakers: “Where’s all the corruption in the script? Where is all the back-stabbing, the deals?” He said he attempted to convey these elements through his performance, saying: “It was a tough one. I tried to slide in a sense of it, as much as I could get in there.”[9] The film’s director, Frédéric Auburtin, claimed he inserted “ironic parts” into the film.

But after watching the film, all of this is hard to believe. There are no obvious winks at the camera or anything, so if anything was subtle, it was extremely subtle. Instead the film plays out like a dreamy Hallmark film. Sure there is some adversary. Like racism! They have to overcome racism! And uhh, some minor corruption. But they get through it and the good guys win and sportsmanship!

Basically everything about this movie is dreadful. I could only look at the clock waiting for it to end. They had some sports, but soccer itself wasn’t the focus so it was all terribly done. There was one point where it was a championship game of Brazil vs Uruguay, I think in Brazil. It would be their first win and the whole country was watching! But it was like an incredibly awkward montage. It kept fading out to black then fast forwarding to a later part of the game, with the narration all being from an announcer of the game. Add in shots of people looking anxious in the stands and listening on the radio. Except it faded at least 5-6 times and it was just so terrible.

Thankfully the tone didn’t go all over the place. It was consistently cheesy and shit. Everyone who watches this film will be united in their passions of “lack of interest” towards a second viewing.

Is it over? Is it done? Is it dead?

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension, besides having a lousy title, is supposed to be the last Paranormal Activity film. And it is in 3D! Huh, that is the same thing that Saw: The Final Cut did.

Frankly, I don’t buy it. These films are super easy to make, super cheap, and usually get a nice return on investment. There has to be more in the future, if not a completely “unrelated” plot with more security cameras. You know, just something.

Oh well, let’s hope this one resolves or answers some of the mysteries instead just creating a more confusing mythos.

Oh look the kid actors from Paranormal Activity 3. You know, the one that didn’t answer things and was a bullshit prequel. That’s a good sign.

The film opens up with a flashback to the end of the third film. The girls (Chloe Csengery, Jessica Tyler Brown) are taken my some hidden entity and the old grandma to do fun culty things.

Flash forward to 2013. Emily (Brit Shaw) and Ryan (Chris J. Murray) are living in their house with their little girl, Leila (Ivy George). Well, Mike (Dan Gill) is coming to live with them for a couple weeks after leaving his long term girlfriend. He just needs a break.

So Ryan records it. He likes recording things I guess. Mundane shit like cleaning or decorating for Christmas. And during this, Mike finds a box that has an old weird looking camera in it with some VHS tapes. Weird. The tapes are mostly weird late at night entries of two young girls who seem to be aware they are being seen in the future.

But the weirdest thing is the camera itself. It is custom made and fancy, but also has some weird glimmers and shines when it is recording. Of course you’d think it is because it is 20 years old. But really it is seeing ghosts and Ryan just doesn’t realize it yet.

Until he does, and bad things start to happen and blah blah possessions demons end film.

Also featuring Michael Krawic and Olivia Taylor Dudley.

I don’t feel bad about spoiling the look of the ghost.

I almost sort of wish I could have seen the movie in 3D. Because honestly, I don’t understand the point at all. I don’t see what 3D could have done to enhance the movie, not even its shitty jump scares. I guess it enhanced maybe how much money it made, but that would be it.

This is the worst Paranormal Activity movie. Worse than 3 and 4. This is the truth the franchise is ending out on a shitty note.

First of all, the camera explanations were, by far, the worst they have ever been. The camera work early on was completely random and never justified. Once he found the weird camera? Sure, I can imagine trying to use it. But then to keep using it? To have that all lead up to needing cameras to observe over night? It was nonsensical.

Just like previous films, for the most part they never feel the need to look at the security footage the next day, and if they do, they never do anything about it outside of religious things. They don’t leave the house when things get scary, they are basically just asking for their daughter to get possessed.

Outside of the fact that some scary stuff happens on camera, this is basically nothing like a Paranormal Activity film. There is nothing subtle about the suspense. You see the “ghosts” early and often. Add on the videos of the girls from the past, you get some lame component seemingly try to emulate Sinister or V/H/S. Those videos are technically subdued, but they are also not scary whatsoever.

Ignore this horror. Let the franchise die with dignity. And yes, I am referring to Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones.

Norm of the North? What in the flip is Norm of the North?

What? You didn’t hear about the Lionsgate animated film coming out mid January? What? Did you also not hear about Strange Magic last year around the same time, which ended up as my #2 Worst Movie of 2015?

Norm of the North has also not received many trailers or TV spots. It is the type of film they are releasing and not expecting much. And let’s not forget that the critic screening of the film is Thursday night, at a time when normal people can already pay money to see it. That is where you put movies you don’t really want the critics to ruin.

But maybe they do expect something out of it. After all, two sequels have already been announced. The sequels are only planning to be 45 minutes long and straight to DVD, but they are still planned!

Here is the real question I wonder though: The Nut Job 2 was also scheduled to be released on the same day, but it has apparently moved its date. However no one out there knows where it was eventually pushed. It has disappeared off the map. Did Norm of the North somehow eat it?

He is looking kind of chunky.

So, we have a polar bear named Norm (Rob Schneider. And now you know what you are working with here). Lives in the arctic. And he can speak Human. We learn this when he tells a seal his life story about why he cannot eat the seal because he is a terrible hunter and doesn’t do polar bear things anymore. Just humans. He in particular likes to dance, of course. He calls it the Arctic Shake. Remember that. That will be important later.

The only other animal who could speak Human was his grandfather (Colm Meaney), the king of the Arctic, but he has disappeared. Speaking of shenanigans, there is a house suddenly on the ice! Fully furnished and ready to be lived in. Apparently it is a model home and some group is shooting a commercial, hoping to sell homes to get people to move to the Arctic. It is an untapped reservoir luxury gold mine. Or something.

Norm tries to get them to flee but only helps them make a good commercial. The owner, Mr. Greene (Ken Jeong) just wants to rip people off. He also has the idea to use an actor to dress up like a polar bear to sell their idea to the world. Of course Norm sneaks to NYC to become that actor and put a stop to everything. But he also feels bad for the PR lady, Vera (Heather Graham) who just wants to get her daughter (Maya Kay) into a good school.

Time to Arctic Shake his way into America’s hearts and stop the Ice take over from happening.

Also featuring the voice work of Bill Nighy, Loretta Devine, Gabriel Iglesias, and Michael McElhatton.

And these little fucks.

Oh where do we begin. Sure, the lemmings. That is what those tiny things are, and three of them join Norm on the adventure. They are apparently indestructible and can do anything, making them a perfect plot device to solve any and all problems. Except for tense moments near the end when characters decide to not use them to untie them for some reason. Oh and they are vulgar too. They pee a lot on things and fart and burp and teehee. They are going for the fucking Minion market and it is despicable.

The plot is paper thin. Points move too fast without a lot of explanation. For some reason none of the animals will believe Norm about the house, despite it being a physical thing anyone can go to, and a lot of witnesses (The Lemmings) and a respected community member. They just laugh at him…for some reason. And in the conclusion, despite none of these same animals going on the journey, they totally believe everything because The Lemmings say so, which is totally contradictory to how they behaved earlier. There is no sense to any of it.

Part of the plot involves getting America to like him shown by some fancy real time approval ratings graph that everyone can just access about things. And after going on a talk show, says one thing, he dances, dances in the street, and everyone loves him. Yay resolution! Well done bear. It is ruining Shut Up And Dance for me now.

The animation was poor and blocky. A final storm scene was almost painful to look at. The Coca Cola polar bear commercials have better overall quality to them

I can’t find any real pictures from them in NYC, just promo art.
But at the same time, look at that background bear and see how terrible it all is.

The director had his button on a fade out button and used it constantly to go between scenes. I was going to vaguely describe an example of it being used improperly, but it hurt my head trying to describe the scene.

I kid you not, my four year old step daughter turned to me twice during the movie and told me this was a bad movie. She didn’t laugh at all. I laughed at a joke that could be misconstrued as a pedophile joke. It also had a decently offensive gay joke, to throw the whole thing more under the bus.

I don’t feel like I am done. There was a love interest. But I didn’t even link her above because she had all of three lines throughout the film and ended up being not important, despite literally marrying her at the end. The final plan of the bad Mr. Greene, which he kept secret, was simply recording Norm talk and changing his words around. And after that happened, Norm basically gave up. “Oh ho, they heard me say something else now. Nothing I can do about it!”

Just. Fuck. This was bad.

EuroTrash is a word I have never used on my website before, but I am starting to think it is time.

There is a genre of films that seem to want to give action/thriller/dramas, they set them in Europe, and take them all over to various major cities and countries. This lets them show off Europe and get very different visual patterns, regardless of whether or not they are useful to the plot. One could argue something like Spectre was a bit of WorldTrash.

But one man does EuroTrash better (worse?) than anyone else, and that man is Luc Besson. Besson is basically the Gorgon Reviews antithesis. Everything he has touched since The Fifth Element is shit or whatever one step above shit is.

I, like a lot of other people, watched the entire Transporter trilogy. I wondered how and why each sequel was made, as the quality decreased despite never starting out high. One or two cool action scenes does not an interesting film make. But at least we got some Jason Statham.

Now we have The Transporter Refueled. A reboot, with no Statham, but the same boring EuroTrashy Transporter vibe. Fuck this, Besson.

Oh he wears a suit, that is what makes this one stand out.

Frank (Ed Skrein), aka Transporter, is a dude who delivers packages discreetly for high profile contacts. He doesn’t ask questions, he doesn’t ask for names, and he doesn’t change things in the middle of a run. His dad (Ray Stevenson) used to do the same job, I think. Honestly I don’t remember too much about it, except that he is finally about to retire from whatever.

Frank gets a job offer from Anna (Loan Chabanol), who of course he doesn’t know anything about. But later that day he is to pick up her and two sort of large packages and then transport them. He didn’t expect that the packages would be two other women (Tatiana Pajkovic, Gabriella Wright) who are dressed up just like her.

Turns out he just became part of an elaborate plot by a few prostitutes to kill Arkady Karasov (Radivoje Bukvic), a human trafficker, who abused Anna. But they are going to extreme measures, and they even kidnapped Frank’s dad to force him to comply. What the hell ladies.

Also starring Wenxia Yu as an additional accomplice, and Lenn Kudrjawizki, Yuri Kolokolnikov, and Noémie Lenoir.

They are all dressed up as classy Leeloo.

Fucking EuroTrash. At least in this film he technically doesn’t go all over the place. But because he is a driver, we get some car chases through classic European cities, with their silly looking license plates.

The Transporter Refueled was a bore, which means it is basically like the other previous three Transporter films. There were two remotely interesting fight scenes. The plot was convoluted. The acting was piss. The characters were far too many and far too unimportant.

This film is 100% a waste of anyone’s time. Even the five of you who may have been hoping for a new Transporter film, Statham or not, will probably be disappointed. The action itself is mostly generic and this is the type of filth that should be going straight to DVD and not wasting a screen in those poor movie theaters.

Follow up, damn you Luc Besson. The next terrible thing he is bringing out is Lucy 2, so you know it will also be shit.

Welcome back to another roaring year of shit film! I pride myself in looking for the worst of the worst, not just the best films. Someone has to watch the terrible movies, and it might as well be me.

This list is only the worst films I was able to see this year. There were a lot of straight to DVD junk out there that most people don’t get a chance to see, and unfortunately, I am like most people in that regard. Now. Only so much time in the day. But I feel confident this is a good spectrum of terrible films across genre and release strategies that most people could agree with.

Again, I couldn’t see all the bad stuff. I didn’t get to see Entertainment, Love the Coopers, Momentum, Child 44. I also didn’t see Terminator Genisys, which should come as a surprise. It was a big summer release. Yeah, well, after Terminator Salvation and seeing the trailer, I refuse to watch it. I won’t give it the satisfaction of wasting my time. If I had, it might have made the list, but I literally just will never see it. Unless I am forced to for reasons. Moving on!

(DIS)HONORABLE MENTIONS: Minions. Self/Less. Hot Tub Time Machine 2. Hot Pursuit. These films barely missed the cut. Now on to the real shit!

Choosing the last spot on this list was one of the hardest. There were so many films I rated 1 out of 4 that could have filled it, with literally every one of the Honorable Mentions being prime candidates.

But I picked Boulevard, the last film starring Robin Williams? Why? Was it truly that boring and slow as my review described? Eh, maybe. Maybe I had a bad day. I would say in reality could be closer to an average film.

I put it here for a personal reason. After my review, I had a comment from someone who claimed to be the writer. Then, later, I received an email from him again. The writer of Boulevard was angry at me for not loving his movie, even though it is just some guy who had like five writing credits since 1995, with most of them being just TV movies.

Yes, I am only 10 years old.

Jem and the Holograms was a film I made sure I could watch with its theatrical release, just in case it was bad enough for this list. I expected it to be one of the worst films of the year. The trailers were bad and seemed to shit all over the source material.

But it didn’t end up being that bad. This is the last film on the list that I gave a 1 out of 4 too, everything 13 and on is a pure zero film. Jem was terrible, it truly was, however one scene kept me from kicking it in the shins.

It fucking made me cry. Out of nowhere, because it switched genres every 15 minutes, there was a 5-7 minute scene that was so incredibly sad thanks to my new dad hormones, I just had tears rolling down my cheeks. Damn you surprise tear jerkers. You ruined the films potential of being truly worse than what it was.

Seventh Son is the type of movie you watch, notably get annoyed at its existence, and then forget about it. I could not remember that this came out this year or that I even watched it. Thankfully the tag feature on my site lets me see all my 0 out of 4s, and there it was, just lying there, looking like a scared little bird.

Then the pictures of my review made the painful memories return. Not important ones like the plot, or characters, or anything. Just the memories about dislike and hatred.

What is this movie about? I don’t know, shitty fantasy. And shitty fantasy needs to be acknowledged as it attempts to ruin the best genre out there.

Readers will see this entry and go one of two ways:

The dumbasses out there will think that the film is intentionally bad and shouldn’t be on the list for this reason. Fuck that. Bad things need to be acknowledged, and shit for shit’s sake is never a good time. If someone has to be drunk, with a group of friends, only half watching the film and half making jokes, then the film isn’t actually good. Drinking is good.

The other side will wonder how in the hell there are 11 worse films than a third Sharknado film. Yeah, I am surprised too.

Sharknado 3 was bad, in every way, from the acting to the CGI to the plot. Yet I only slightly hated it. All the other films from this point on are just literally movies I hated worse. Could be a variety of reasons to hate them, but number one is that they all would have cost me time or money to see them. Either from a movie ticket or rental or driving to a theater.

If someone could say anything good about Sharknado 3, it would be that at least it is on free and on TV. No other commitment needed outside of the time it takes to see it. After you are done, you can immediately go back to napping. That’s a good thing!

It is important to note out the individual achievements of certain films. And sure, achievements can be negative. In a year with many bad horrors that I liked more than other people, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension is the worst. The worst horror movie of the year! Congrats!

It is the worst film in the 6 movie franchise. It switches to 3D for absolutely no reason and decides to get rid of any of the subtle scares that made the franchise great.

It does something else even worse. It still doesn’t fully explain the mythos of the franchise, despite that it is the last paranormal activity film. Allegedly. And that is why this film is only at number 11. At least it signifies that no more of these foul film creations can be made.

Speaking of franchise ending films, fuck Taken 3 and everything it stands for.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that Taken was great or enjoyable, and Taken 2 was shit. Liam Neeson said he wouldn’t do another film, but then something like $10 million dollars spoke, so of course he did a third one.

They changed the formula, and they made the main character a bigger asshole than ever before. Now he is harming American citizens and American police officers. Everything bad that happens in this film can just be ignored if he doesn’t run when he is set up for the crime. The plot is beyond convoluted with an ending that will leave you scratching your head. But again, this should mean the franchise is at least finally dead.

The Boy Next Door has almost everything working against it. Jennifer Lopez is the star and she has arguably never been in any good film ever. Remember Parker? Of course not. But you probably remember Gigli.

But it is also a trashy sex thriller. Something that might make you hot and bothered, but then someone ends up dead. A strange genre, for sure. I guess murderers are sexy. Those two genres mashed together give one of the worst hybrid genres. Not as bad as Western Sci-Fi, but close.

Either way, at 90 minutes it is still far too long. It is the type of film that should maybe just be the plot of a music video, which would be much more suited to Ms. Lopez’s acting style. So maybe she just got confused?

Some people rightfully assumed that Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 would be one of the worst movies of the year. After all, Paul Blart: Mall Cop wasn’t good and so a sequel shouldn’t be good either. But you know who didn’t think that would be the case? Red Robin (Yummmmmmmm!). I remember having the ability to buy a $25 gift card from them and getting a free ticket to see the movie! So I did.

The good news is I got to eat Red Robin. The bad news is I had to see this terrible sequel.

The problem with the movie isn’t that it is offensive, it is just safe and family friendly in the worst way. Simplistic jokes and slap stick. Boring plot lines and boring characters. Sure, they were all eccentric, but that doesn’t make them good.

And all of this is a shame. All of these terrible movies Kevin James is in. And now people won’t give him work because of it. Because he is a funny guy, a funny stand up, and was good on TV. He just can’t get a movie with a good script. Damn shame.

According to movies I have seen, and not any actual cultural research, Aloha means hello and goodbye, which shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone. It is clear that the film version of Aloha just means goodbye and to never return, ever.

Ignoring all the casting decisions, Aloha is a romantic comedy drama with absolutely no soul. Zero soul, zero passion, zero effort. Bradley Cooper‘s character is like a zombie throughout the film.

It has only one good scene. Just one! And that involves two characters speaking to each other through a lack of words.

Everything else is cookie cutter simple bull shit. Avoid at all cost. (And yes, this is the year’s worst RomCom).

And then there is Mortdecai. Guess what? Another January film on this list. This is the third one from the month, but don’t worry, in the top 5 there is still one more hiding. If anything, January is at least consistent with its terrible films. By having them all so early, you can wait to see them all on DVD before Summer and they can still make your worst list!

I am annoyed at Mortdecai, because usually in January there is at least one film that I can enjoy a lot more than the others. It might still get bad reviews but I thought it was funny. I thought Mortdecai would be this movie for me, and it let me down just like Ride Along.

I hope this movie served as a wake up call for Johnny Depp. He is a good actor but hasn’t given a crap about most of his roles for years, and it shows. He is just earning that fat cash and taking his dogs all around the world.

Mortdecai, although somewhat unique in its premise, is not funny and not interesting. And I am a reviewer who appreciates facial hair in film. It is a new low point for Depp’s career, and not even Black Mass could save him from a disappointing 2015.

Now we are at the bottom five, the worst of the worst. The things you couldn’t pay me to watch. (Editor’s Note: I will watch all of these movies again for money.) And I can’t wait to badmouth The Transporter Refueled some more.

This is a sequel no one asked for. This is a reboot no one asked for. Hell, the last two Transporter movies were things no one asked for. But my Arch-Rival Luc Besson doesn’t give a fuck and he keeps putting out films.

Outside of one, maybe two scenes, there is nothing special about this film. Those one to two scenes show a clever action fight, and then they move on back to a slightly confusing, definitely convoluted plot. Twists and turns can be good, but if all of them feel pointless, the viewer will feel jerked along. Like they are in a car chase. Which I guess this film as in it as well.

The lead is no Jason Statham and he has zero charisma or screen presence. It’s like watching a role of salami wear a suit. Although I’d argue that movie might at least be entertaining due to some comedy.

The placing of Fantastic Four on this list felt hard, but for some reason, fourth worse just felt right.

There are a lot of worsts going for Fantastic Four. It is the worst action movie of the year and worst super hero movie since…I don’t even know. The Wolverine was bad, but not this bad.

It was boring enough to cause me to personally snooze in the film for up to five minutes. I am lucky that I am a loud snorer so I could be woken up before I missed the truly dreadful parts when they went into the different dimension. All I missed was a science montage, which I am sure would have only pissed me off further. It is strange that they can make a movie about the Fantastic Four and seem to actively ignore every part of the team outside of Mr. Fantastic.

The relationship between The Thing and Reed was the most forced bromance of 2015. The team does practically no fighting, turning it into almost a drama. Two fight scenes, where one of them is straight up Dr. Doom killing a ton of people like a horror film, and the other a CGI explosion of boring tropes that only can make people think of the first Fantastic Four film finale with Dr. Doom.

Apparently this movie had directoral issues and lots of reshoots, which is a shame, because his previous film Chronicle was amazing. This version of the super hero team will go down as the worse version, yes worse than the 1994 film, which is most surprising given the actual talent involved with the film.

The only reason I even heard about the movie United Passions is due to John Oliver and its hilariously bad opening weekend numbers. It opened in 10 theaters in 10 different cities across the US and it couldn’t even make $1,000 over the first three days. No one wanted to see a movie about the founding and history of FIFA.

Why? Well, one, nobody in America cares about FIFA for the most part. So that was already going against it. But two, FIFA was involved in huge scandals about corruption from all its top ranking members. So the timing of a film that asked the viewer to ignore the current reality and instead focus on the past, and show that the organization is one that stands for honor and sportsmanship is a really hard thing to sell.

I will be honest, within 10 minutes of watching the movie I knew it was a dud. It was like watching a movie about a man, directed and written by that same man. That man decided the set and other actors, but of course the writer/director would star as himself in the lead role. It smelled and oozed of self congratulatory work. It wanted us to know all the efforts it went to make this crazy organization. It mentioned some troubled times, but it showed how it rose above them! How did it rise above them?

With Sepp Blatter, played by Tim Roth, who got all the corruption out of FIFA! And is now, you know, most of the cause for their current corruption.

No one should want to watch this dramatically slow and uncomfortable circle jerk. But a documentary about FIFA, showing their corruption, and including this terrifying movie would probably be a great watch. And of course, this is the worst Drama/Historical/Biographical film of the year. Hooray!

“What the fuck is Strange Magic?” you might be asking yourself. You mean you didn’t know that an animated musical epic came out in January on the same day as Mortdecai? It opened in over 3,000 theaters and finished its opening weekend ranked #7. That is two spots over Mortdecai!

Well, Strange Magic is made by no other than George Lucas himself! Disney had to release this film, presumably as part of them buying LucasArts. If they didn’t, they might not have gotten Star Wars! Apparently this film was in production for about 15 years. Why? George wanted to do something for his daughters. He said, quite sexist-ly, that Star Wars was for 12 year old boys, so he needed a new Star Wars for 12 year old girls.

Gender stereotypes aplenty, because Lucas made an animated, jukebox musical, about fairies fighting in a forest over good an evil. And as for his song theme? There was no theme at all. It was literally just random music he liked, or something.

I am a big jukebox musical apologist, but these song choices are a downright travesty. The animation isn’t good looking, the plot is terrible, and of course the reasoning behind it is almost horrifying. Disney really just wanted to bury this film and it shows. Strange Magic is almost the worst film of the year, while also being the worst animated film, musical, and fantasy.

And there you have it. The worst film of 2015. Well, did you guess it correctly? Did you expect it? Did you even know it existed?

A lot of people didn’t watch Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser, and that is to be expected. After all, it never went to theaters but it also wasn’t straight to DVD. It started out streaming online. No, not on Amazon Prime, not Netflix, not even Yahoo. It was streaming originally on Crackle and only on Crackle.

Crackle is a Sony streaming service, and most people are pretty confused why The Interview wasn’t put there after all the hassle. You can go to their website without logging in and watch some movies! You just have to watch them with ads.

And with that, I had to watch the worst movie of the year. With fucking ad breaks in it, giving the movie some sort of monetary value, making me feel bad. Journalistic integrity made me watch the whole movie, so I couldn’t just wait for a DVD release, people needed to know. And I am part of the reason David Spade got paid for this.

Everything about this movie is an attack against good quality movies. It recycles internet jokes on the screen. And references to internet jokes are ALWAYS late and dated, but it feels even more so with this film. It went out of its way to make a Forrest Gump parody, 20 years after the fact. Almost every scene goes on too long, that way all potentially good jokes can be driven into the ground leaving you in this awkward valley that will never end.

In the end, I bet this movie made a profit too. Because life isn’t fair some times. And if that happened to be true, there could be a third Joe Dirt, potentially killing cinema as we know it. The worst film of the year, the worst comedy of the year.

Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know (but I probably saw it and reviewed it on this very site! Check out my thoughts).

And as always, I accept hate mail via the post office, email, or tweets.

Dashing through the snow, had a very shiny nose, don’t you tell a single soul what I’m going to say. That might be a Christmas song, I don’t know.

Because apparently, I don’t know the real meaning behind Christmas. It could be all commercialism, it could be Santa, it could be togetherness, it could be Jesus, it could be presents (I am 100% certain the reason for the season is Presents).

Who says I don’t know the true meaning of Christmas? Well, Kirk Cameron says so. This movie came out during the holidays in 2014, and it took until November 2015 for it to be available on DVD and VOD. A whole year! Because Saving Christmas ended up with a lot of backlash and hate. Cameron gets a lot of grief for being super religious, and not all of it is warranted. It doesn’t deserve its low IMDB/RT rating, because over 90% of the voters have probably not even seen the movie. I hate it when people go on campaigns like that. So I also hated it when Cameron made a Facebook post asking for his followers to rate it high just back.

And then the internet responded again, even more angrily, which is why it is rated so lowly everywhere. Silly Cameron, you sank to the internet’s level. No wonder it tried to destroy you.

“Sit down and shut the fuck up, it is Jesus time!” – Kirk Cameron’s opening monologue.

First of all, I though this was supposed to be a documentary. But it is not, it is a fictional movie…slash kind of hybrid. Like Kirk Cameron. He is playing himself, Kirk Cameron. He also has a sister in the movie, Bridgette Cameron, who is also playing herself. Also, the movie opens with Kirk in a fireplace Christmas setting, talking about the joys and wonders of the Holidays and warns us that there are people who don’t like it as much. Yes, this is exactly what the first picture is showing.

So it is kind of a documentary too. A fictional documentary. Let’s go with that.

Either way, after that introduction, we get to go to his sister’s holiday party, where there are lots of friends and their families all enjoying things like hot chocolate, presents, music, and Santa. Santa, who of course is the Uncle (Ben Kientz) dressed up because he has no job and is getting paid. Woo.

But someone isn’t enjoying the party. Kirk’s brother in law, Christian White (Darren Doane), not actually his Brother-In-Law, but the director of this movie nonetheless. He is a party pooper. Why? Does he hate that there is a War on Christmas and he is forced to say Happy Holidays? Nope! The opposite. He hates what Christmas has become. Christian is actually super Christian, and he wants Christmas to be about one thing and one thing only. Celebrating the birth of Jesus and worshiping and hallelujah. So he is being a little bitch, and goes out to his car to have a chill pill. Kirk joins him, because he cares about his family and they talk.

Namely three things, after Christian bitches about all the excessive stuff. They talk about Jesus’ birth/the nativity, the pagan Christmas Tree, and Santa aka Jesus’ Replacement (or Satan?!). And you know what Kirk tells him? He tells him he is wrong about everything he is complaining about, and uses the Bible to explain some shit. This makes Christian very excited to be a hero, and he goes back and the party is happy again. Yay end of movie.

Also with David Shannon and Raphi Henly in smaller guest roles.

How small? Their roles could fit in that snowglobe.

Please note, everything I say below is not an attack on Christianity. It is just an attack on this shitty, shitty movie.

What in the fuck is this mess of a movie? First of all, the run time is listed at 80 minutes, with the last 10 minutes being credits and bad outtakes. The final 10-15 minutes before the credits is 90% just party montages with Cameron occasionally talking over it and some dance party stuff. And the rest of the 50-60 minutes has about 20 minutes of maybe plot. This movie is mostly filler and has very little going on. The only thing that happened in the movie that I didn’t mention was the other two tagged actors having a conversation about Christmas and conspiracies that was never resolved and went nowhere.

And of the plot? About 5 minute devoted to talking between the three characters. Establishing he is upset, long ass talk in the car, and the make-up. The car is the brunt of the movie, and thankfully it isn’t just them talking in the car. When Cameron talks after the rants from White, he becomes voice over mode so they can have scenes showcasing what he is talking about from the bible. Everything about this movie could have been done in a 30 minute documentary, which we could have then panned on information alone, but instead it is turned into a feature film that is mostly a time sink. Add on bad/barely acting and you get an overall terrible movie, regardless of the message.

As for the message, I can’t even fully describe what Cameron claimed. The first thing he said about the birth of Jesus made no sense at all to me. His defense of the Christmas tree was somewhat reasonable. The only thing he talked about with any remote sense of truth was the actual story of Saint Nicholas and why he was awesome. But the problem with his answers to the complaints were that he basically ignored the actual complaints. A lot of it boiled down to comparing most of the festivities to pagan traditions that existed long before Christianity, which everyone can agree is true. He basically responds, “Nuh uh! You just read that on the internet, here is why they are all super Christian and good.” So his responses ignored the issues and were made up. Jesus Christ, what a waste of time.

If he at least made a documentary about there being a non-fictional War on Christmas at least some of the points he brought up could be valid. Instead he took real complaints, and said ignore them. Just be happy and do Christmas, because Jesus. End film. Fuck you.

One final fact. Darren Doane? He used to direct a bunch of music videos. He is super Christian, yes, but he directed classic videos from Blink-182, Buckcherry, Jason Mraz, Shinedown, AFI and more. That’s pretty random crazy.

Did you know that being a movie reviewer could be quite hard? It is. Sure, you think it is just putting on a movie and watching it. But to be the very best (like no one ever was) you have to watch them all. The good. The bad. The grotesque.

I am happy to say that in a little over 4 years, I am now reviewing my 1500th movie. That is right. A Milestone Review. 23 months ago, almost exactly was when I reviewed my biggest milestone, my 1000th review. That was of course The Human Centipede.

I tell the story of why it took so long, and honestly, the delay for The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) is similar. I don’t want to watch this. I know I had to someday. Might as well save it for a special occasion. And hey, in 500 more reviews I think you know what we will get for that review.

I tried to make sure the pictures weren’t completely inappropriate. Only one of them kind of is.

Or for some of you, all of these are inappropriate.

In this sequel, The Human Centipede is just a movie. That means the sequel is set “in the real world” instead of the world of fiction. And in the real world, things are much more nasty.

Our star (?) is a man named Martin (Laurence R. Harvey). Martin, as you can imagine, has a lot of problems. He was sexually abused as a kid by his dad, and now his mom (Vivien Bridson) hates him for getting him locked up. He is over weight, sees a shitty psychiatrist (Bill Hutchens), has his own pet centipede, and of course, is obsessed with The Human Centipede.

I think it is in black and white for the censors to allow the movie to exist.

His only responsibility is a security guard job where he sits in a booth and stares at video of people in a parking deck. Yes, the parking deck security guard is the lowest form of security guard, but it is necessary. He also ends up watching the movie over and over. He might get off on it. And you know my might is not even a guess. Some sick shit happens in that booth.

But not as sick as his book, that he is writing. He is watching the movie constantly to learn from it. He wants to make his own human centipede. But not with only 3 shitty people. No. He wants 12.

He is anti-social though. He doesn’t even know 12 people. He needs strangers.

The other issue with Martin is that he is not a trained surgeon. He doesn’t know how to operate on people, to attach them to one another or anything. Well, not in a real science or sanitary way.

He has to use basic tools. Even if he did know how to do it the right way, it would take so much time to make the 11 connections that most likely parts of the centipede would be dead before he could even finish. And that would be sad and awkward. More sad and awkward than the human centipede in general.

I don’t think playing the “what is more awkward” game makes a lot of sense in this movie.

Good news! He is also obsessed with the real life actors who played in the movie! Like Ashlynn Yennie, our starlet who survived the first film. Well, this sneaky guy Martin somehow pretends to also be a casting studio. He offers all three members of the centipede to audition for the new “Tarantino movie”. Unfortunately, Yennie’s agent is the only one to take up the offer and she shows up all happy. But now the “Real life” Yennie gets to be part of a centipede as well.

Some nice layers to this movie. You can tell they had the best writers working on it all.

This is all Martin. CGI free and ready to party.

Who are our lucky victims? Well they are played by Emma Lock, Maddi Black, Kandice Caine, Dominic Borrelli, Lucas Hansen, Lee Nicholas Harris, Dan Burman, Daniel Jude Gennis, and Georgia Goodrick,

Some of these people are dicks. Some are just party chicks. Some were prostitutes and cab drivers. Some are noble family people. But all of them are people who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and Martin took the first people he could get his hands on. Even if they had a kid in the back seat.

Martin knows party tricks as well!

I feel like I am stalling. I totally am. Dude hits everyone over the head with a crowbar. All the time. Apparently that knocks them out. This is the most unrealistic part of the movie. There should be a lot more dead people.

Anyways. Martin flips his shit. His mom wants him dead for the reasons listed above. She angers their skinhead neighbors and tells them it was his idea, just so they can rough him up and kick his ass. Eventually he retaliates against her and obvious shit happens. This causes him to finally go through with his plan to put the 12 humans together.

Warning, the next photo is my one “graphic” photo. But the calmest one I could find. I needed one.

AHHH CENTIPEDES SO GROSS.

Anyways, he puts them together. Some people die before he can attach them, so he doesn’t get to put all 12 together. That is a shame.

He gets to have his centipede though and it gets him super excited. VERY EXCITED. If you graphically understand my meaning. It is very bad for the last person in line, that is for sure. And I will say it was one of the two most disturbing things about this movie.

Unfortunately, it was followed up immediately after by an even more disturbing scene. One that made no sense and literally had me going “WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK” out loud, despite watching it alone.

Needless to say, after these two terrible scenes, people in the centipede start to fight back. One guy in particular breaks his head free from its confines, breaking the centipede in half. This, along with other events and voice mails, makes Martin very upset. He snaps even more than he did before and well, a lot of people then start to die. Mercy killing really at that point.

Yay gross shit. Literally.

You don’t want to know you don’t want to know you don’t want to know.

Normally I try to keep these milestone reviews extra funny and extra spoiler-y. No details needs to be ignored.

I kind of failed on both points with this big one. It is hard to make great jokes when you are so appalled. It is hard to spoil the worst things when you want to scrape them from your brain, not type out descriptions making it more real.

The first film may have tried to make a creepy horror along with a few gross scenes. This one went full on yuckville. It only wanted to make disturbing scenes. Scenes that would ban it from a few countries. Scenes that would make you want to turn it off.

When I watched The Green Inferno, I paused it frequently due to some very graphic scenes because I couldn’t take it. However, this time I never paused the movie. I just needed it to get over with and didn’t want a pause to make the overall experience that much longer.

This film is so nasty though and that is all I can talk about. It really shouldn’t have been made. Yes, it accomplished its goal. But at what cost, film makers? Your director was so preoccupied with whether or not he could, he didn’t stop to think if he should.

Don’t watch this movie. And I have to watch the third one. I don’t know if it is worse, I just know the centipede is longer and it is a prison or something.

Good news everybody! Another 50 reviews down on my website, another Milestone Review ready to announce.

Some people tell me, “Hey, Gorgon Reviews, why do you do a longer ridiculous review to celebrate every 50 reviews? No one gives a shit about 1450 or 1100.” Well, first, that is harsh. And 50 reviews, at 5 a week, means I just did 10 weeks of hard work and I’d like to do something fun.

Sure, once I get to 1500, I could start doing them less often. But there are so many supposedly bad movies from the early 2000’s that I haven’t gotten to watch, and they deserve my attention and love! Which is why I will treasure review 1450 (that is today), just as much as review 1500 (in about ten weeks).

Today I am looking at The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, a film I knew was ridiculous when I was a kid. Spy Kids was one thing, this one was just sillypants sillypants. But I realized that there is a connection between this film and some of my other Milestone Reviews, and connections are fantastic. That’s right, a member of Twilight is involved in these films, which is all the more reason to watch this movie.

And I will dissect it like the strangest most unethical science experiment.

Max (Cayden Boyd) is our hero, and he is neither shark nor made of lava. No, he is just a boy in middle school or something. He keeps a dream journal. And sometime early into the school year, let’s say first week, he tells his totally true story about summer vacation.

You know, how he met Sharkboy (Taylor Lautner). A boy who was raised by sharks since he was like six, letting him gain gills, fins, claws, crazy teeth and everything. Self proclaimed King of the Ocean. He is friends with Lavagirl (Taylor Dooley), from Planet Drool. She is made of Lava and can shoot lava from her hands.

Anyways, they went back to Planet Drool at some point in the summer and he hasn’t seen them since.

Foreshadowing.

Guess what. His class totally doesn’t believe him. Because he is of course full of rotten cow shit. Mr. Elictricidad (George Lopez) wants him to redo the assignment I think. And this kid named Linus (Jacob Davich). He is a dick and picks on him with other kids and they steal his dream journal.

Don’t worry. One kid believes him, Marissa (Sasha Pieterse), so they are practically dating. She is also Mr. Electricidad’s daughter.

But if he bangs the teacher’s daughter, how will he also get with Lavagirl?!

Needless to say, his parents are also sick of his shit. His dad and mom (David Arquette, Kristin Davis) are probably going to get divorced because of his shitty dreams and how much he thinks they are real despite being 11 or something. They ignore his pleas in regards to his dream journal and told him to forget that stuff.

Next day at school, giant electrical storm hits and everything gets scary. No worries. Sharkboy and Lavagirl show up, much to everyone’s surprise. So they take Max on a shark rocketship up to Planet Drool, openly acknowledging that he should know how to get there since he made it all up.

Yes, Sharkboy and Lavagirl know they exist purely in Max’s head, in his day dreaming world, and they aren’t having an existential crisis. Even with this knowledge, Max doesn’t realize that everything that is happening is hogwash.

Not even magical hogwash, just normal dream based hogwash.

Oh hey, Planet Drool. Things are not as they should be. This is where all of his dreams and goals live, including the unfinished ones. Guess one, there are electrical storms here too!

Oh no! A bad guy, with a TV head named Mr. Electric (very original dreams) is ruining the place! He even has all the other kids on a roller coaster forever, keeping them awake. If they sleep, they can ruin dream world with their own dreams.

So they save the kids and battle Mr. Electric and lose terrible, putting them in the Dream Graveyard. I wish I was making this shit up.

“Okay, Mr. Lopez, just say all your lines really close to a camera lens. Trust us.” – Producer

With the help of a never finished robot named Tobor (Also Lopez), they escape there and go to a happy place of milk and cookie dreams. They realize that someone else’s dreams must also be in Planet Drool making things go to shit. Mr. Electric isn’t the only bad guy.

Lavagirl and Sharkboy feel incomplete. They don’t know where their future is going and are missing parts of their past. They need answers! But Max doesn’t remember everything. What a fuckwit. He also apparently has powers of his own, but again, he doesn’t remember it.

However, they eventually convince him to take a nap, in his dream. Sharkboy sings a terrible song. Dream dream dream dream dream, and note that they are clearly already in a dream, and he has to go to sleep in said dream.

He’s got the magic touch, some would say.

Needless to say, his quick nap gives some answers. They also find out who is behind most of the negativity. Some dick named Minus (Yes, it is Linus), who has his dream journal. Bad news for Minus is that they realized that Max is the Day Dreamer officially, so he can imagine things on the spot and they can come true.

Sure, it took Lavagirl and Sharkboy back and forth going to the brink of death for him to realize this shit, but it happened. So eventually Minus realizes he is being a dick and he is cool again.

This does not save the day. Mr. Electric gives no fucks and he says he will destroy Max where he can’t protect himself. So he goes back to Earth.

Of course he did fuck up the entire dream journal first. Whattadick, Linus, Minus, Bo-Binus.

Back on Earth, Mr. Electric intensifies the electrical storm, causing tornadoes and things start to fall apart. Mr. Electricidad is offended by the creation, since it has to have been Max’s dream come to life. But whatever. Deal with it.

Somehow Sharkboy and Lavagirl arrive to help save the day. They also make Max’s parents realize they still love each other and family is important. All in the same disaster!

I forgot to mention that on Planet Drool, there was also an Ice Princess (Marissa) with a Crystal Heart. Their plan was to find the Crystal Heart to freeze time, to allow them enough time to fix the planet. It turned out to not be too necessary. But Max brought it to Earth, so they use it to defeat Mr. Electric instead.

This is where everyone learns that dreams are what you make of them, and you should make them come true.

If you want to be the lead in an all Shark riverdancing experience, then by golly, make that shit happen!

I have a hard time believing that Robert Rodriguez, director of Planet Terror, From Dusk Till Dawn, and Sin City, thought in any capacity that this movie was decent. Yes, it came out in 2004. Yes, CGI was not as good as it is today. But this is beyond bad. This is like a $10 used bin in Wal-Mart CGI, if that existed.

The main draw to this movie would have been it’s 3D, I guess. But again, 2004 was well before Avatar came out and they changed the way 3D worked in theaters. This was probably shitty red/blue sunglasses 3D, so I am sad that I didn’t get to experience the 3D with my version. It was clear what they wanted to do with the 3D with the cheesy scenes and I am sure it came across just as bad.

Not to over-scrutinize a shitty kids movie but…the plot makes no sense and seems to fall apart the further it tries to play it out. The acting is bad on all fronts, adults and kids alike. Lautner was brought in because as a youth he was really good at martial arts, and all the flipping and jumping was actually him. He still is good at that now, but it was more impressive when he was like ten. Who would have thought that a kid with the shitty rap lullaby video would turn into a weird sex symbol.

If you hate visual messes on the screen, you will also hate this film. The entire dream world landscape was just ugly and bad.

Yeah. I may be harsh on this. But again, Rodrgiuez must know this is terrible, but he did it anyway for the lols. That is the only explanation for this mess of a pointless film.

Joe Dirt: Cult Classic, Classically Bad, or just a shit movie?

Hard to say, depends on who you ask. I would argue that it had a few redeeming jokes, could have been good, but overall, just a shit movie. Which is sad, because I tend to just feel sorry for David Spade more than anything. I liked Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star. Or at least a few redeeming jokes/scenes. Fuck. So I guess I just feel bad overall. He probably just misses Chris Farley.

And then we got Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser. Was it wanted? Hard to say.

But it exists and it was released exclusively on Crackle, because Sony went and financed the film. So you can watch it in all 480p glory with commercials, right now. Which is why this is day 2 of my “Fucking Finally” review week.

480p, because if any higher, you could tell that the hair is not actually a wig, but his real hair!

This sequel takes place not at all directly after the first film, and not just because I don’t remember how the first film ended. But Joe (Spade) and Brandy (Brittany Daniel) are still together and they even got married. Yay! You knew that from the picture above.

Things were going well, technically. He even got Brandy pregnant to make a little Dirt. Turns out Brandi was actually popping out triplets though, all girls. Oh well, life is still fine. Even if Dirt just gets farted on at work and his family thinks he is a loser. To prove he is not a loser, he runs back to the trailer during a tornado to get something for one of his daughters. This makes him Wizard Of Oz it up and get transported to another place, where it lands on the leader of a gang!

Hey, that makes Joe the new gang leader, according to the second in command, Foggie (Patrick Warburton). Also, it is now 1965. Time travel, just because.

The rest of the movie is literally Joe Dirt existing in the past, doing past stuff, like meeting Lynyrd Skynyrd, before they are famous, doing a Cast Away parody, and other stuff. Heck, the whole thing is really a bigger Forrest Gump parody.

Also you can find Mark McGrath, Dennis Miller, Tracy Weisert, Christopher Walken, Rhonda Dents, and Kevin P. Farley stomping around at various points in this movie.

Feast your eyes upon this image and know pain itself!

Look at that image above. Look at it hard. Does it make you feel bad inside? Does it make you hate yourself? Does it make you wonder how could an image like that appear in a movie that doesn’t have “Movie” in the title?

That’s it! Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser does what no one thought possible. It created something on par with Scary Movie 5, The Starving Games, and Meet the Spartans. Shitty parody movies with barely a theme that have one unrelated scene after another to make terrible pop culture references and call them jokes.

However, Joe Dirt 2 doesn’t even have a theme. It just makes terrible references, not jokes, just references, and moves on. The picture above is trying to make it seem hip and cool, by putting a gif meme directly in the film to appeal to the youth of today and just seeming terrible. It literally came out of nowhere and didn’t even make sense in the scene it was in!

Honestly, I found maybe two scenes slightly amusing. The Skynard scene and the nickname scene. However, like every “joke” in this movie, they both still go on too long and make me sick of it before it is through. In a way, that describes the films as a whole. Joe Dirt could be considered an amusing movie. Joe Dirt 2 elongates the joke too far, making me hate 1 and 2 collectively more than I did before.

Buy It! – This movie is available now on {Blu-Ray} and {DVD}.

It has been awhile since I have seen a film set mostly in Hawaii. Godzilla, Big Eyes, Battleship all had elements in Hawaii. But the last full on Hawaiian film was The Descendants and it was really fucking good. So if I compare all films set in Hawaii, Aloha has to have some pretty big strides to catch up to the top.

And it has to do it with controversy!

What controversy? Well, casting controversy of course. The last films to receive this much internet anger was The Last Airbender and Exodus: Gods and Kings, but to be fair, they received criticism for more than just casting choices. In this film, Emma Stone, a very white woman plays a Hawaiin. Why is that an issue? Because internet people claim white people can’t be Hawaiian of course.

Oh, they mean native Hawaiian. Fair point, sure. But she is also playing someone who is just a quarter Hawaiian, so one of her parents is only half Hawaiian, and fuck everybody she could totally qualify as someone who is a quarter Hawaiian. Saying she doesn’t look it enough is stupid complaint when she is claiming barely any Hawaiian ancestry. Just because she isn’t in real life quarter Hawaiian doesn’t mean she can’t play one on a movie and be believable. It is called mother fucking Acting. Damn it.

This looks like they were photoshopped next to each other, their chemistry is so nonexistent.

Brian Gilcrest (Bradley Cooper) used to be a great military person, and then he left! Turns out the military pays close to jack in pay, so he sold his skills to a private contractor, Carson Welch (Bill Murray) who wants to go to outer space! Brian loves space and wants to go one day. I think. Either way, he heads to Hawaii for a few days, where he used to be a big deal. People told stories about him. Blah blah blah.

He is happy to be back. For whatever reason, Allison Ng (Stone) is being assigned to follow him and help him out on his meetings. She is in in the military and young but full of spunk.

Fuck. I am dying typing out this review. The movie was so boring. Here are the only other important plot points.

Brian and Tracy (Rachel McAdams) used to have a thing like 12 years ago. They make it VERY obvious that her oldest daughter is his kid. But she is married now to Woody (John Krasinski) and they have at least one more kid. So hopefully they don’t rekindle anything, would be dickish. At the same time, Allison starts to like Brian. There is also a big controversy over the native Hawaiians and using their land to send rockets into space, as they are worried it will end badly.

Also featuring Alec Baldwin and Danny McBride is a full fledged military men!

The sexual tension is high when Cooper looks apathetic while coding.

What the hell happened to you Cameron Crowe? Seriously? What in the fuck? He gave us Say Anything…, Jerry Maguire, and Almost Famous! These are good to great movies right? Because the last thing before this one was We Bought A Zoo which was incredibly average in every single way.

And now? Now we have Aloha. Which sure had controversy which I gave no cares about. What I care about is a good entertaining movie, but Aloha is neither good nor entertaining. While watching, I couldn’t help but wait for the point of the movie to come across. Are the military supposed to be bad? Are private contractors? They sort of answer it by the end, but it almost seems like that was an after thought despite allegedly being the main plot line. What is more annoying is that most of the conflict in the end also seemingly comes out of nowhere. And it is resolved with a couple lines of dialogue, again, as an after thought.

As for the relationship angle, one never really goes anywhere and the other is also extremely forced. It is like all of the actors involved are just uncomfortable the whole movie. No one has a desire to be great in this film, it is probably just a quick paycheck for everyone and a free trip to Hawaii. You know, the Adam Sandler reason for acting. Not even Kenny Fucking Powers can save this movie, because he might be in 3 scenes. Maybe. Everything is wasted in this film that is technically quite full of talent and entertaining people. I’m going to go watch The Descendants again.