Scary Movie 5

Scary Movie 5.

Fuck. I watched Scary Movie 4 before this, even though I swore it off after seeing Scary Movie 3. Fuck my need to be a completionist.

Fuckkkkk.

Basically, long story short, Scary Movie 5 is a parody of Mama more so than Paranormal Activity 4. So hey, that’s unexpected. The trailers didn’t really show any Mama scenes. But the other major movie “parodied” is Black Swan, with a scene from Inception, and an even shorter scene from Sinister. Hell, they even have the new Evil Dead in there, but it is obvious (if not by the timing alone) that it is based only on the trailer for Evil Dead, not the actual movie. Oh yeah, Rise of the Planet of the Apes too, because why not?

BUT AM I DONE? NO. Also Zero Dark Thirty, and The Help. THE HELP? WHAT? WHY? That doesn’t even remotely get near the topic of the title.

Okay, calm down self. You can’t freak out this early.

Either way, Jody (Ashley Tisdale) and Dan (Simon Rex) are able to find his brother’s missing kids in a cabin in the woods. They are all weird now, the oldest talks of some entity Mama that is helping them out. They get to stay in a kick ass home, with lots of surveillance, where paranormal things happen. Their housekeeper (Lidia Porto) is very religious of course. Dan is a scientist trying to make Apes smarter, and Jody wants to get back to her ballerina roots like her mother. So she tries out for Black Swan, and has a rival (Erica Ash).

I don’t want any celebrity who was apart of this to miss out on getting tagged, so here is a big list of people in this movie! Usher, Heather Locklear, Sarah Hyland, Jerry O’Connell, Terry Crews, Molly Shannon, Snoop Dogg/Lion, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Katrina Bowden, Katt Williams, Darrell Hammond, and Mike Tyson.

There is also a narrator, who sounds a lot like Morgan Freeman, but it is not Morgan Freeman, I repeat, it is not Morgan Freeman! They did it to make you think he was in the movie. It’s all a lie, so he shall not be tagged.

Yep. Taken from the trailer, clearly.

If you need a recap of where the Scary Movie franchise went wrong, see my review of A Haunted House. Yes, A Haunted House is a much better film than Scary Movie 5, no question about it.

It has only a couple of the scenes from the trailer actually in it, which is a pretty annoying habit that needs to die out. Instead of having an overall unifying plot, it feels instead like a bad sketch comedy show (given the over-exaggerated everything), with scenes that barely fit together just to include some pop culture references in it. But Scary Movie arguably only talks about 3 horrors, and fills the rest with a thriller, a suspense, and a movie about apes! That isn’t even appropriate for something called Scary Movie. Bad movie makes, bad!

I went in expecting bad things, and well, this time it came true. I think I heard giggles once in my theater, two days after it came out. I actually did laugh out loud once, and it was because of something the narrator said. But other than that, this film might have been better titled Silent Movie given the reaction from the audience.

Also, Usher isn’t in the IMDB credits yet, but he totally has a dance scene, so I wanted to draw extra attention to him.