Category: Uncategorized

(dis)HONORABLE MENTIONS:
A lot of these had the potential to go the shitty distance, but they weren’t picked overall. This list includes: Skinamarink, Renfield, Vacation Friends 2, About My Father. It also definitely includes the Disney short, Once Upon This Studio.

And in terms of random documentaries, I could have included: Cocaine Bear: The True Story, Rob Schneider: Woke Up In America, and Take A Chance. Yes, I put a stand up special in there. Rob Schneider has passed the deep end.

15) Good Burger 2Why is it on the list? Good Burger 2 is another sequel, decades after the original, that only tries to re-use the same jokes from the original and fail to live up to anything like its predecessor. Besides the recycled material, and worst plot, Kel Mitchell has to show he does NOT have it like he used to. He has not been acting, he has been out of the game, and it is painful when the Ed character is on the screen. As one of the main two characters, he is on the screen a lot.

Worst moment? The Ed Robot ending.

Any Worst Awards? Worst Attempt At Nostalgia Cash-Grab of 2023!

14) Ruby Gillman, Teenage KrakenWhy is it on the list? It is wild how one animation studio can be consistently so inconsistent. Dreamworks has forever been plagued with both terrible movies, and pretty damn good movies. The good ones just happen to be in the Shrek, Panda, and Dragon universes, and basically everything else falls short. This Kraken movie, with an uncomfortable animation style, came out just six months after Puss in Boots: The Last Wish, and feels like something made for TV. It seems to only exist to attack The Little Mermaid, which had a 2023 live action release, and never feels more than a petty rushed hack job.

Worst moment? When the film feels like a weird combination of Luca and Turning Red from the last few years.

Any Worst Awards? Worst Jab At Disney Film of 2023!

13) Dog GoneWhy is it on the list? Almost every year we get some movie about having a dog, that caters to the same specific group of people. Over half of the time, the pet dies and some people cry. But every once in awhile, you just get a basic pet missing movie. And unfortunately for this one, the fact that the dog is missing is entirely the fault of the shitty owner, who we have to watch make plenty of bad decisions throughout the film. Some people maybe just shouldn’t be pet owners. This one amps up the melodramatic moments though, deciding to make both the dog, and the owner, sick. Hooray!

Worst moment? Getting the local media in on the missing dog search.

Any Worst Awards? Worst Dog Movie of 2023. (This beat out of Strays for me!)

12) Mafia MammaWhy is it on the list? Do they make good movies about the mafia anymore? Honestly, I feel like I can’t think of any. They peaked in the 80’s and 90’s and just said it was good enough. Mafia Mamma reminds me of the very bad The Family film a decade ago, but the thing is, I actually remember The Family. Or at least parts of it. I watched Mafia Mamma months ago and its all already gone from my head already. This was not Toni Collette wanting to make a good movie, but just wanting to make a paycheck.

Worst moment? I’m sorry, I don’t remember a single scene from this movie.

Any Worst Awards? Worst Mafia Movie of 2023!

11) Expend4blesWhy is it on the list? Look, no one is going to say the first 3 Expendable films are solid cinema. Not at all! I thought they were all already average to bad. But amazingly, this one decides to go and be even worse. This has the worst action, and worst cast list, out of any one of the series. I am here to watch a bunch of action stars together, and this one just decides to give a couple of them, with a lot of filler. Add to that, the terrible plot, terrible death fake outs, and just… bad all around aesthetic, it is actually a disgrace they ruined the already mid name of the franchise.

Worst moment? There was a fight scene between Fox and Statham, meant to be a sexy flirt couple fight. That one takes the case.

Any Worst Awards? Worst Action Film of 2023!

10) Baby Shark’s Big Movie
Why is it on the list? Look, I didn’t even know there was a TV show based on a song that got really popular. And it is likely for preschool aged kids, because my own kid in elementary school definitely did not want to watch it. But weirdly enough about this movie, is that it ended up having a similar plot to Trolls 3, but worse, with worse music. Another strange aspect is that K-pop band ENHYPHEN plays fish versions of themselves, but I didn’t even know that until the end, because I had no clue that it was a real band. I just assumed it was some parody of other bands. That I guess was the biggest stars they could find.

Worst moment? The Stariana song that was seemingly on repeat throughout the movie.

Any Worst Awards? Worst Musical and Worst Tiny Shark Movie of 2023!

9) Meg 2: The TrenchWhy is it on the list? The first Meg movie wasn’t a great movie. It was a silly giant shark action film. It was unbelievable, but it had some level of entertainment. The Meg 2 decides to make the sharks an after thought, with the majority of the film being a corporate conspiracy movie instead, until the very end. And to think this one had Ben Wheatley behind it for directing purposes, and most of his films have been passable, if not great before this.

Worst moment? Literally everything about corporate conspiracies and sabotage.

Any Worst Awards? Worst Big Shark Movie of 2023!

8) Fool’s ParadiseWhy is it on the list?I can be one of the people who is excited to see Charlie Day do things and succeed right? I want him to branch out, outside of IASIP. I liked him as the scientist in Pacific Rim. I liked him in that rom-com recently. But he has a lot more misses, and his first directed film is just so oddly placed. I cannot tell who this movie was for. He forgot to make the film entertaining, and it just felt like an incredible slog to get through.

Worst moment? When Day’s character doesn’t speak.

Any Worst Awards? Worst Directorial Debut From a Well Established Actor of 2023.

7) GhostedWhy is it on the list?  This couple has about as much on screen chemistry as a fish and sand. Evans and de Armas act like they have never met another person before. It has so much generic action, with a dull plot, and everything about it is dull. The fact that it was directed by Dexter Fletcher, who gave us Sunshine on Leith, Eddie the Eagle, and Rocketman is just astounding.

Worst moment? Honestly, any time we see the two on screen together, I slightly doubt it. I bet the whole thing was filmed separately. That is the only way to explain why it came across so flat.

Any Worst Awards? Worst on screen chemistry and worst Action Romance film of 2023.

6) Buddy Games: Spring AwakeningWhy is it on the list? Buddy Games, when it came out, was a pretty bad film. I didn’t dislike the cast overall, but the execution was something dreadful. It ended up being my 10th worst film of 2020. For some reason, a sequel was made, also straight to DVD, with the same cast returning, for more shenanigans and more made up rules for whatever these games end up being. Josh Duhamel is the director of these films, and it must be the strangest, weirdest, passion project of his. I don’t get it.

Worst moment? The actual events of this film have been mostly blocked from my mind.

Any Worst Awards? Worst Sports Movie Sequel of 2023.

5) Sound of FreedomWhy is it on the list? You have probably heard of this movie. It is about a true story of CHILD TRAFFICKING. So therefore you need to watch it or else you are a pedophile, idk. It involves a group of people, who went to South America, to free kids from child trafficking. And this is about them doing just that with a couple of groups. Now, of course, the events of this film are greatly dramatized. The ages of the kids shown are almost never that young. And the real fact that by going to these places and pretending to be buyers, and needing so many kids and so young, they created more child trafficking because the bad people needed go steal more kids.

Anyways. No one wants child trafficking, but a movie making the real events seem more sinister and lie about what the heroes did, and giving money to the makers of this movie, does nothing to stop child trafficking.

Worst moment? After freeing the first big group of kids (which only existed because of their demand for this many kids), the therapists with them on the capture site, had them sitting and clapping their hands to roughly the “We Will Rock You” beat. And that was it, that was the activity. And somehow, the main character looked on the group, and asked another if he heard it, “That is the Sound of Freedom…”

Any Worst Awards? Worst film based on some Q-anon stories and people of the year.

4) 80 For BradyWhy is it on the list? I honestly don’t know who this movie was made for, or who it was meant to appeal to? Based on a true story of…women who are old and like Tom Brady and watch football together. So they filled it with a lot of actresses who have tons of awards between them. To talk about old ladies going to the Super Bowl, against all the odds? And hell, during the super bowl, shenanigans occur, tickets are lost, and hell, they actually end up effecting the game that leads to Tom Brady winning a super bowl. But like, this is set in the real world? In a real super bowl championship, with a score that for sure happened?

What is the… goal of the film is really the question I have to ask myself?

Worst moment? At one point, some characters are on drugs. Oh golly, old women getting high.

Any Worst Awards? Worst “Simpsons Did It” film, Worst Ensemble of talented actors, and Second Worst Sports film of 2023.

3) Lady BallersWhy is it on the list? Well, let’s take a movie where the coach, a washed up and broken man, decided to grab his successful team from many years prior, and have them wear wigs to be women and win that championship instead. No, this is not a 90’s movie. This is a movie attacking the woke culture of the liberals of course. Honestly, finding this to randomly watch, I did NOT know it was The Daily Wire film, which is set out to destroy the woke Hollywood. The first idea of this was to make a documentary, but it turns out they couldn’t just get guys to say they are women and join a women’s team. You know, because there are rules, it takes times, it requires usually a lot of hormone therapy, before any of this is allowed.

So of course, they instead ignored that, made the movie as if any of this was doable, and clapped their hands on their backs happy to say they really got those liberals with this one. No one should watch this anti-trans film, and honestly, if I knew about it ahead of time, I would have given it the hard pass.

Worst moment? There was an upper elementary school aged kid used by her father, the coach, to teach the team what is acceptable on their transition. That one for sure because of the way they presented the information.

Any Worst Awards? Worst satire(?), worst comedy, and worst sports film of 2023.

2) Paw Patrol: The Mighty MovieWhy is it on the list? The first Paw Patrol movie was rough. It was pro-Cop, even in areas of that they had no jurisdiction in, and just confusing overall. So what happens with the sequel? All of the characters get SUPER POWERS. And now they are super heroes, with somehow more super vehicles than before. That is fine, if not unnecessary.

But why is it bad? Well, their focus on this movie is on one of the two lady puppies. Who loses her powers, and then immediately gets abandoned by the team and told she cannot help anymore. Even though they aren’t doing much more than what they did before. Now she is useless to them without powers? Add to that the other lady dog, introduced in the first movie, who never got powers for most of the film either, and not just was sidelined, but forced to watch even younger puppies (since they are all puppies?). This film gets to be pro-cop, while also anti-women simultaneously. Can’t make this stuff up.

Worst moment? Literally any time there was a junior Paw Patrol group, who apparently were taken from their families and now lived with them, to be watched by other baby dogs?

Any Worst Awards? Worst sequel, worst animated film, worst coproganda, and worst misogynist film of 2023.

1) BezosWhy is it on the list? Look, when 2023 started, I didn’t know I’d get to have a BioPic about the founder of Amazon so early in the year. Because who wanted this? No one asked for this. I did sort of expect it to be this dreadful. Watching a rich and successful man, get hundreds of thousands of dollars from his parents, and dreaming of starting a company just to fight book sellers. Hell, this has Kevin Sorbo as the CEO of Barnes and Noble, so you can judge the whole film solely on that. But Jeff is shown as a determined, kind, slightly smug individual, who clearly isn’t working well with his wife, and just wants to make money more than anything, even when he exploits the time of his early workers.

But this is like, a praise film at the same time. The funniest part is that this is based on a biography about Bezos officially. It is in the Zero To Hero series, which, if you can see on this link to amazon itself, is a book for children.

Worst moment? The eventual reveal of his company name of Amazon.

Any Worst Awards? Worst Biopic, Worst Movie based on a Children’s Book, Worst Drama, and Worst Film of 2023.

Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know.

And as always, I accept hate mail via the post office, email, or tweets.

Imperfect was watched early as a screener. It is being released theatrically on February 16th, 2024.

When you strive for perfection, you will very hard to achieve what is likely unachievable. Perfection is hard, perfection is usually impossible. But what if you strive for imperfection, and accept it in all of its glory?

In Denver, Colorado is the Phamaly Theatre Company, which has this statement on their main website. “A creative home for theatre artists with disabilities.” That’s right! A professional theater company that employees at all levels, actors and actresses that also happen to have disabilities. Because let’s face. Equality and Equity in the world is far from happening right now. But some people are working on it, like the people behind the Phamaly Theatre Company.

Now sure, there are people like Ali Stoker, who have made it into Broadway to play roles in her wheel chair, that were not written to be played by someone in a wheelchair. But for the vast majority of parts and places out there, someone with a disability will likely only be considered if the part has it written in for that character. And that sort of sucks.

So in this documentary, one of the directors, Regan Linton, who uses a wheelchair, is an actress herself on the stage. But in this documentary, she takes on the role of a director, and is putting on the musical Chicago. And so we the viewer get to see the behind the scene footage of auditions, blocking, practice, and some of the final scenes and shots of their finalized and award nominated work.

More importantly, we get to see triumph in the faces of people who are often told they can’t do things.

Don’t mess with a person with a cane. Especially if they can sing well.  

Honestly, when I first saw this documentary was giving out screeners for review, I thought that I was going to see the actual staged version of Chicago with the theater company. In reality, that is just the last 10 minutes or so, just snippets from it. But that is still okay! A documentary on the planning and start to finish process was also interesting in its own right.

For example, in the audition scenes, I wonder in projects like this, what is most important? Diversity? People who can hit the notes correctly? How do you decide? It must be a hard thing to think about, and I know I wouldn’t have a great answer.

Honestly, the documentary had me crying happy tears by the end. It is just so great to see people excelling at tasks, and doing it well, and hits a bit better when you know the potential increased struggles to get to that point. If I could have more, I would have wanted more of the actual show, as I mentioned. But what I got was still a unique view and useful.

Now, this documentary is just highlighting what one theater group has been doing, and doing successfully for years. It can be good for awareness, and I hope there are other groups out there doing the same thing. It is a good look of the behind the scenes, and can be downright inspiring, but really, it is just people exploring their passions. And we can all use a bit more of that in our lives.

3 out of 4.

Upgraded was watched early as a screener. It is being released on Amazon Prime Video on February 9th, 2024.

Ana (Camila Mendes) is a woman just trying to make her way into the art industry! Does she have an Art History degree? You know it. But she also lives with her sister and her SO, and she is taking up space. She can’t afford rent, her job hasn’t gotten her anywhere yet. But now things are going to change.

You see, there is going to be a big art auction for the company she works for, under Claire (Marisa Tomei), and if she can impress her, she can get on the fast track to success and eventually have her own art gallery and be rich. The good news is, she unconventionally has a success, and gets to go on a trip to London to help out with a big event! But because of bullying and plot, she has to take a later plane by herself. But don’t worry, her seat is randomly upgraded (that’s the movie name!).

That is where she meets William (Archie Renaux). You know, a rich British guy. And because of silly reasons, like Ana actively lying, William thinks she is the CEO of the company, and is impressed, she is so young and knowledgeable. And then she gets introduced to the parents, and so many things get awkward, lying about what she does, and of course it will effect her job and her love life at the same time.

Also starring Aimee Carrero, Anthony Head, Fola Evans-Akingbola, Lena Olin, and Rachel Matthews.

That face is how they first intended the creepy people to look like in the Smile movie PR campaign. 

If I described the movie in a sentence, instead of paragraphs, it would be enough for you. You got the whole picture. You know the movie. You know how it ends. Honestly. Knowing where a movie is going isn’t inherently a bad thing. Not at all. Like, I can assume in a super hero movie, that the good guys eventually win. Sure. But then the journey really, really, matters.

So the journey needs to matter for Upgraded. And the journey here does nothing. Honestly, it follows a playbook to the letter. Our main character doesn’t really learn anything, because she comes out on top, better off than she was before. And so I guess the whole thing was worth it in the end!

Honestly, feels a bit icky. The main character uses the love interest, lies constantly, and then like, gets to rich and successful at the end? Okay.

Upgraded is honestly one step above a Hallmark movie. It has a bigger budget, and that is about it. This film is entirely forgettable, and I wish it was a good RomCom, I honestly do. But Upgraded will be off my radar within a week. Complete out of sight, and out of mind.

0 out of 4.

The Monk and the Gun was watched early as a screener. It was shortlisted for Best International Film at the Oscars as Bhutan’s submission. And it is released theatrically on February 9th, 2024.

This is pretty obvious from the title, but of course this movie is about…holding free and fair elections!

In 2006, the King of Bhutan was like, hey, you all deserve to have more freedoms. And decided to switch their country to a democracy, so that the citizens could vote. And sure, they would still have their king. You know, like Great Britain. But the citizens had no concept of democracy, or voting, or voicing their opinions on a prime minister. So, what are they to do? Just let democracy fail as everyone ignores it?

No! The local government is going to hold Mock elections, to teach the citizens how to vote, to share opinions, to pick different things to care more about for their government to work on. In a big face of apathy from the local population, who seem to just really like their king and not want the change. Yep, that is the backdrop to the story.

Now, the other main plot is that Tashi (Tandin Wangchuk), a monk, is told by his Lama, in a religious exile for years, to go into the main country and bring him back two guns. For a ceremony, for a mystery. At the same time, Benji (Tandin Sonam) is escorting an American (Harry Einhorn) around the country, looking for a very specific gun as well, for a collection. Guns!

Also starring Pema Zangmo Sherpa, Deki Lhamo, Tandin Phubz, and Choeying Jatsho.

Oh look, a (presumably) monk with a (presumably) gun! The movie delivered its title!  

Finally, another Bhutanese film. I know most of you reading this might have seen zero Bhutanese films in your life. At this point, this is only my second one. And that is probably true of a lot of people who have seen any. Lunana: A Yak in the Classroom, is a film that was nominated for Best International Film a few years ago, and was a surprise. Similarly, this movie was on the shortlist of nominations for Best International Film, but not nominated. Is this a grand awakening of Bhutan as a film producing country, or, have they been producing movies for awhile and I just have only noticed if it relates to the Oscars? Honestly, I hope its the latter.

Either way, I do like that both of these movies have really simple, yet descriptive titles.

But on to the movie at hand. Did I expect it to be about mock elections for a countries first elections? Obviously not. And I am not a historical scholar of Bhutan, and have no idea how much of this story is actually what happened in the country. I clearly have to take the film’s word on the subject. Of which, I do think it is a very interesting backdrop, and I love that I learned a little bit of recent history from just that knowledge alone.

And, it still maintains the other plot as well, the gun and the monk, of which I assume is the more creatively liberal aspect of this story. And that plotline on its own is fine as well. It meshes well eventually with the societal backdrop of the historical events. It is amusing and worthy of light giggles at points. But at the same time, I still wish there was some more to the story. It being a relatively simple story is fine. I just wish it was more satisfying in its conclusion. It felt like a short story, expended into a larger movie without enough content at points.

Still a great film on its own rights. In a year with so much great international work, it had a tough hill, and it was likely an honor just to be shortlisted. Here is hoping I see another Bhutanese film before a 2-3 year gap.

 

 

3 out of 4.

Scrambled was watched early as a screener. It comes out in theaters on Friday, February 2nd!

Nellie (Leah McKendrick) is a great friend to her friends. The ones who have all gotten engaged or married at this point. She throws a great bachelorette party, and is there for them, but hey, she is also losing those friends. They are married. They do couple things. They are having babies.

Nellie is currently out of any relationship. She has had some in the past, but things didn’t work out. You know, people just playing around, not being serious, wanting kids, cheating on her. Speaking of kids, turns out that even though being 34 shouldn’t be the end of the road for her potential maternity plans, it turns out, her eggs are low, for a variety of reasons. So she is at the point if she wants to have kids, and has no current prospects to have them with her, she might need to freeze her eggs for that possibility.

But freezing is expensive. And it requires a strict regiment of being healthy. And at this point, Nellie also wants to go through her history of relationships to see if anyone was the one that got away and needs a second chance.

Also starring Andrew Santino, Ego Nwodim, Max Adler, Adam Rodriguez, Yvonne Strahovski, Lindsey Morgan, and Clancy Brown.

I wonder if the eggs are in that box? If so, they should probably be in the freezer?

This movie was written and directed by Leah McKendrick. Hey, that’s the woman playing the lead! I honestly have never heard of her before this movie, so congrats to her on getting to make a movie and have it released theatrically. What is this, the 90’s? People can still do that? Comedies are allowed in THEATERS? Wow!

As for the film, I do enjoy that a big part of the plot was about a woman deciding to freeze her eggs, and go through the process. It wasn’t a woman rushing to have a baby with her loved ones. It wasn’t about artificial insemination. It wasn’t about adoption. It wasn’t about finding or being a surrogate. I only bring up all of these plot lines, because i have seen movies with them before (not that we can’t have more than one on a subject), but I have not seen a single one where the entire goal was to have eggs frozen for future considerations, and the processes behind it. I am all about diversity in my plot lines, and frankly, the more normal things people do that can be turned into a movie for awareness sakes, the better.

Better yet, this movie was funny. McKendrick was a great lead, in and out of her relationships, dealing with regular life and trying to change it for the better. And I especially loved her negative interactions with her family. Clancy Brown as her dad was just a wild dick and the arguments felt realistic, with chances for comedy along the way. I also want to give a shout out to Ego Nwodim, who I think I have mostly seen on SNL and small cameos in films. She was hilarious as her best friend character, popped up multiple times, and made me damn sad as well. Good to see her expanding her roles.

Scrambled gives a unique look at a common practice so many people take care of, without necessarily being obvious what is involved in that process. A worthwhile comedy for sure.

3 out of 4.

Marry Little Batman was watched early as a screener. It comes out on Prime Video on Friday, December 8th!

Batman! Nununununununununun. I did not count if I put the right amount there, nor do I care.

This Christmas Batman movie is set in a Gotham where…Batman had finished the job! Like, the crime is all gone. Woo. So Batman (Luke Wilson) has been more settled down, and has a son, Damien (Yonas Kibreab). Mother? No idea, I don’t think it is brought up. Maybe it was a mitosis thing.

Either way, Damien is super young and likes to play, but generally in a mansion only has his dad and an Alfred (James Cromwell). There are toys, gadgets, and bat caves. Oh yeah, he knows about Batman.

Anyways, long story short, around Christmas, Batman gets in a jam, appears to be missing or dead, so Damien thinks he needs to done the costume before all of these villains come out and steal Christmas, or whatever.

Also starring Brian George, Dolph Adomian, Therese McLaughlin, and David Hornsby as the Joker.

Why does Alfred look like the world’s wrinkliest long penis? From the very first frames, it became incredibly clear that this is not a movie for me.

Style wise is the first indicator. The animation style was absolutely gross in my mind. Not because of a penis joke I made above, but the style instead just felt like, I am not sure, an early 2000s Cartoon Network show? Something that is super quick and easy? I don’t think animation needs to break the bank every film with futuristic drawing technology, classic is fine, but this isn’t even something appealing to me. It feels like a television show, in the worst way, but goes on for 90 minutes.

The next glaring category was the voice acting. I am not some purist that thinks a certain voice actor is the best actor for the job and should keep doing it. Changing people up is great. (Unless it’s Mario, then they should get an impersonator). But almost no voice really hit for me. Sure, Kibreab as the kid? Fine. Wilson is a great actor, but he never felt like Batman to me this whole film. Just felt like a silly dad. The catalog of villains were all forgettable, except for Hornsby as the Joker. He had some giggles, sure, and it just still felt really off and like I was getting the most reject version of his character they could have made. Something left at the bottom of the bin and ignored.

And finally, the story. It is wild a little bit that part of this plot would have the kid thinking his dad was dead for a large part of this film. And he is hearing his voice on the bat belt. It is played for comedy, and we know that Batman isn’t, but damn, this kid, whose size makes him look like he is 5 years old or younger (look, the animation style is BAD), but it is fucked up. I never feel compelled about any part of this story. I don’t get scared, or excited, or confused. I just watch in boredom, apathy, and a bit of disdain.

I am not saying some people out there might think this is just a cute Christmas movie. The good news for you if you like it, is that it is also turning into a Prime show at some point next year which, well, explains a whole lot more in that regard.

0 out of 4.

Candy Cane Lane was watched early as a screener. It comes out on Prime Video on Friday, December 1st!

Christmas is the best season to be and exist in, according to Chris Carver (Eddie Murphy). Now, it is debatable if he married his wife just because her name, Carol (Tracee Ellis Ross), fit in with the season so well, but his three kids, Joy (Genneya Walton), Nick (Thaddeus J. Mixson), and Holly (Madison Thomas) were certainly named that way for Christmas.

Except this Christmas things are shit. Chris just got laid off. His wife might get a promotion, but he feels bad. And his street always has a giant contest for the best decorated house. He loses to his neighbor (Ken Marino) a lot, who just fills his lawn with inflatable crap, whereas Chris has hand carved wooden sculptures and lights. Well, for some reason, this year there is a cash prize of $100,000 to the best house. That is a chunk of money that can save Chris. And so he wants to make this Christmas the best he can before his oldest runs off to college.

Long story short, he ends up spending a lot of money on a giant Christmas Tree themed after the the 12 Days of Christmas, that is wooden and robotic and spins. And through more plot (eventually), that stuff all comes to life to terrorize his life until he can reclaim all of the golden rings, least he get turned into a toy. Turns out making a deal with an elf (Jillian Bell) is more like making one with the devil.

Also starring Nick Offerman, Robin Thede, Chris Redd, and David Alan Grier as Santa.

Only people with Christmas Sweaters can win Christmas decorating contests, fact.Ah, Christmas movies. What is their goal overall? To make you excited about a holiday that you likely are excited about already? To make you feel a certain way? To make you remember it is coming up? To make you realize some people do holidays way better than you?

Hard to say. Having a main character as an adult just really love Christmas is an interesting idea. Hallmark movies do that all the time.

Honestly, at this point, I think I am just over Jillian Bell as a villain. She was also in the recently straight to streaming, Good Burger 2, as the bad guy. And has been the bad guy before in the past. And it has lost all meaning at this point. Kind of like Ken Marino playing a smug asshole. The side characters don’t do anything for me, which is more important given that Bell is in this movie a lot as a weird vengeful elf.

But what about the main family? Well, they just never really seem to deal with the issues the characters are going through. Murphy lost his job and is now spending a lot money, for a cause, and not looking for something else. That is an issue. The son is failing school class. The main plot line dealt with is the oldest daughter wanting to go to school out of state (and she is a senior, and this is December, so I guess it makes sense for this to be a last second conversation. Although she was also doing Track and Field for high school, which we all know is not in December).

Sorry, I am getting technical.

In terms of the actual plot, it is actually really bad. Collecting the golden rings in 24 hours. Is it figuring out clever puzzles? No not really. It is just aggressively themed ornaments who come into the families life at various points, and they just succeed when the challenge comes to them. They don’t have to go out from their normal activities to find them. No puzzles. Just…rings. Only a little bit of shenanigans, at the end, but hey, it is solved by counter-shenanigans so again, no worries.

Honestly, out of the side characters? I did love David Alan Grier as Santa. I wish he had a bigger part of it.

Candy Cane Lane is a safe movie, that maybe some kids will like the slight zany-ness of the situation that comes up. But it takes a long time before that even starts, and it is spread out slowly through the other slower family plots. There was potentially a good idea here, but it was played safe and slow.

1 out of 4.

This is a review for Totally Killer, out on Prime Video on October 6, 2023.

Oh Jinkies! Living in the year 2022 is so swell. Even for the people in the relatively small community. You know when it wasn’t swell? In 1987, when a masked individual, dubbed the “Sweet 16 Killer” terrorized and killed three sixteen year old ladies! That was totally uncool, and also fun fact, he was never caught.

For Jamie Hughes (Kiernan Shipka), she doesn’t care that much about it. How could it affect her life that much? Well her mother (Julie Bowen) for one. Because those three girls were her best friends, and she has been frightened ever sense. Sure, she has a nice supportive family now, and a protective husband (Lochlyn Munro), but that makes her mom overprotective of HER so Jamie can’t have any fun.

Anyways, SURPRISINGLY, the killer comes back, and comes for her mom. That is totally not cool. 35 years? What the hell dude. Because of plot reasons, Jamie actually ends up going BACK IN TIME, to 1987, a few days before the murders happen. Seems like she knows what to do, stop the killer before he can start! And thankfully, this was after Back to the Future came out, so she can reference that movie and maybe people will just totally get it.

Also starring a lot of people, some of them playing the same character in two timelines! Woo time travel! We have Olivia Holt, Charlie Gillespie, Troy Leigh-Anne Johnson, Liana Liberato, Kelcey Mawema, Ella Choi, Stephi Chin-Salvo, Anna Diaz, Jeremy Monn-Djasgnar, Nathaniel Appiah, Randall Park, Jonathan Potts, Zachary Gibson, Kimberly Huie, and Nicholas Lloyd.

I forget she did Sabrina and can still only think of Mad Men. 

Hey kids? Do you like Freaky? And Happy Death Day? Because this is definitely the movies they want you to compare it too, very much going for fun and death at the same time. Maybe some gnarly deaths, maybe some quirky references. The director, Nahnatchka Khan, is known for comedies, and not her horror, so you can tell that is clearly the bigger focus here. Always Be My Maybe was a wonderful, beautiful, and funny film.

But this is a movie that seems to just completely drop the ball on the scares aspect.

I think the only kill and chase that was only exciting was the first one in the film, when Bowen was attacked. She seemed legitimately afraid for the character. Everything else after that was just a disappointment. Even the final climatic potential scene, where our hero is trying to return to her time finally, with a killer coming towards her. It just felt bloated and didn’t actually live up to its location, where it could have been amazing.

Totally Killer is a GREAT idea for a horror/comedy. And it has the nostalgia element. The film itself looks nice, it just didn’t offer amazing kills, nor did it go beyond the low hanging fruits in terms of joke quality. It is certainly a movie, and you might still like it if you liked the other recent horror comedies. But I don’t think anyone will walk away saying its better than them, which is a shame.

2 out of 4.

There’s Something in the Barn was watched as part of Fantastic Fest 2023!

Bill (Martin Starr) is taking his family to Norway! You see, his Uncle owned a cabin and land out there, but he passed away, and Bill was left the property. So why not upend his whole life to a new place to start over.

You see, Bill’s original wife died in the past. So he had gotten a new wife, Carol (Amrita Acharia), but he had two kids before that, Nora (Zoe Winther-Hansen) and Lucas (Townes Bunner). His new wife, the kids don’t really full accept as a replacement mom, but she is trying. She is into self help seminar speaking. Bill is excited to open up a bed and breakfast place with their new land.

However, and forgive me as I say this, but there appears to be something in the barn. Only Lucas sees it at first, so of course no one believes him. But a local tells him about the Barn Elves that supposedly live in the land, and how they are different than those silly American lawn gnomes. They have rules, they hate noise, they hate bright lights, and will leave you alone if you leave them alone.

So no one cares, there are parties, and sure enough, the elf gets pissed. Time to get revenge with a bunch of his elf friends. Just like they did to the last owner.

Also starring Calle Hellevang Larsen, Jeppe Beck Laursen, and Henriette Steenstrup. And of course some elves were played by actors like Kiran Shah, Paul Monaghan, and Alexander Karlsen El Younoussi.

“I’m not even sure how the debt collectors found my new place in Norway!”

Christmas horror comedy flicks. Is this genre on the rise or what?

Now, I like the idea of a good multi-genre film. For example, we didn’t really have a lot of Christmas horror comedies, besides like, Gremlins sort of. Then eventually we got a Krampus and it became a big hit. And last year we had Violent Night.

I would put There’s Something in the Barn solely between those two movies. Better than Krampus (which was just okay for me), and not as fun as Violent Night. It IS a fun movie in its own right though. There are creative deaths, and a lot of silly moments. I mean, these elves are so dumb looking, it is hard to not find it humorous. But Starr is no David Harbour, when it comes to the physicality and outrageousness of his Santa.

Of course of course, this is not the point of Starr’s character. He is playing the classic screw up father, who is trying to make everything nice, when nothing is. In fact, this might be the first time he has ever played a dad on screen? He was a nerd on Freaks and Geeks and has been sarcastic asshole for so long, its weird that we are getting to that stage in his career.  Am I old now? (yes)

But back to the film. This film is 100% going to join the rotation of others of the similar genre. If you like comedy horrors at Christmas, you will like this one as well. I think it offers something new and interesting, including a bit of a rewatchability factor.

3 out of 4.

The Coffee Table was watched as part of Fantastic Fest 2023!

Can a piece of furniture ruin a marriage? Ruin a family? Of course it can. But is it really the tables fault? Probably not.

You see, for Jesús (David Pareja) and his wife (Estefanía de los Santos). See, she just had their baby. And they have been redecorating their apartment. But according to Jesús, she has decided everything. All the decorations. When they should have a kid. What to do with their free time. Even their son’s name, is a name that he despises. So they have had their arguments. For whatever reason though, she said in their redecorating, that Jesús can pick a new coffee table for their apartment.

So what does he do? Well, he listens to a salesman about a very exotic and recently on sale table. It is glass on top, unbreakable! And the legs are just two naked ladies, plastered in gold. It is absolutely gaudy, and his wife doesn’t like it, but he takes it anyways due to pride.

Now he just has to put it together. But it is missing a screw. These dang Scandinavian designed furniture, and it doesn’t even have all the parts!

It turns out, the missing screw is just the first and smallest of problems. Literally and metaphorically. Things get bad, and get bad quick. The coffee table was a bad choice.

Also starring Paco Benjumea, Eduardo Antuña, and Claudia Riera.

As you can see, the wife was right to judge her husband. 

The Coffee Table, if I had to say anything, is a hard film to recommend. It classifies itself as a dark comedy. And the DARK element of that is super true. I am used to dark comedies dealing with death, and things spiraling out of control. And usually I can find humor in this as well. But holy shit, this one went really dark, really fast. I wasn’t sure where the comedy part was hiding?

I mean, it is awkward still. There is an uneasy chuckle in a few scenes, and the beginning scene is played out for laughs. I was still downright horrified at the events and stayed horrified for the rest of the film, watching as things continued. The conversations were unbearably uncomfortable. I almost turned it off early on, after a scene. I didn’t think I could handle much more of the film. At the same time, I figured the impacts of the scene would move on and we’d see the spiral. But it actually never really moves on. It lingers and it makes you feel and deal with the events.

The ending is a bit predictable. You can tell where things will end up, and it does not disappoint.

The Coffee Table is not for everybody. Hell, it isn’t for most people. But it is for people who want an experience about why not all relationships can just wash away their problems.

3 out of 4.