Tekken

Well, I should have seen that coming. Afterall, thinking of video game movies that aren’t lame is hard to do. The plot of Tekken is kind of like the game, Tekken. Kind of.

Some character lines (Heihachi, Kazuya, Jin) make sense, while others with characters from the game’s stories are completely ignored. One woman fighter is supposed to be the mom of another fighter, but they don’t interact at all with each other, and her son is older than her. Whoops?

Although it had the brazillian Eddie and Yoshitmitsu, I was sad to not see Jack, Paul, King, etc. Probably because I haven’t played since Tekken 3.

tekken panda
Or the best Tekken character ever, PANDA!

Finally, even if it wasn’t based closely on the game, the movie was a mess. The whole tournament arbitrarily kept changing, never knowing actually how the rounds ended up working. Oh suddenly we are at the finals? Okay. Why is this person in the movie and never shown to fight? Whatever. Tournaments should be simple to follow. Not random. Easiest part in the movie to make simple.

Did I mention the plot was stupid too? The game has so much plot in it, everyones storyline, but it kept changing things. Fighting games that work on a story line are some of the easiest to convert and explain. All fights have a reason and what not. Oh well, where is my Soul Calibur movie? Complete with more Yoshimitsu of course.

Yoshimitsu bad ass

1 out of 4.

Limitless

The premise of the movie is that someone becomes a much better human thanks to experimental drugs? That just sounds like Senseless. Afterall, both end in less, and have 5 letter words. But in senseless just his senses were enhanced and it was a comedy. In Limitless, his mind is enhance. And its action/drama. Oh well.

The story starts out as expected, Bradley Cooper is a loser. Probably a hipster. A writer who doesn’t write. Just living in the NYC.

Hipster Loser Cooper
Above: Hipster Loser, Bradley Cooper.

Thanks to certain events, he gets these pills temporarily. And he becomes…productive! He cleans his apartment! He writes his book. Aww, finally growing up Bradley Cooper. A drug to make someone be less of a loser! What I really like about this movie is it is weird. The beginning, loser hipster days is kind of boring. But that is on purpose. The drug focuses not on being enhanced strength wise, but mentally. BC gets smarter and smarter, unlocking more and more human potential. Soon he is wracking in the dough. But it doesn’t stop there. His body just gets better and better. The film speed and style almost seem to keep speeding up, and the viewer has to step up his game to keep up.

Reminds me of Flowers For Algernon, without the sadder end. It is cool watching the evolution, and it is awesome focusing on a smarter person. It also teaches us that drugs are not always bad, mmkay.

3 out of 4.

Take Me Home Tonight

Maybe I missed it, but I don’t think I heard the title song at all in the movie, except for the menu screen. Most of the times they make the title screen after the movie though. This could be one time where they said fuck it, who will notice not having Take Me Home Tonight in the movie Take Me Home Tonight?

Executives
So we all agree, no more Eddie Money References?”

The movie becomes entirely way too predictable, so it is pretty easy to guess everything that will happen. Doesn’t mean a bad thing, as it allows you to focus on the moment and laugh, not worrying about the future. Right?

It is interesting seeing Topher Grace being in an 80s based movie. Maybe the dude is actually a time traveling actor, and hates the present. He probably is just mad he missed out in all the fun the previous decades had to give, so he wants to relive them anyway possible. Maybe soon he will be able to graduate into the 90s, and soon catch up with present day. I am intentionally ignoring In Good Company, because I don’t like that present. That is a sad present.

I also enjoyed seeing Chris Pratt in here, from Parks and Rec. Dude is a funny guy, and he should be given a bigger role in one of these comedies. Oh well, one day maybe? Oh, and of course Anna Faris, rocking out her new fake boobs.

ScaJo
Oh come on. I couldn’t mention a ScaJo movie (In Good Company) and the word boobs in the same review, and not show a picture.

2 out of 4.

I Love You, Beth Cooper

Not even an army of Cody Hugheseses could have made a movie with as awkward a first half as this one. Okay, so most of you don’t know him. I went to high school with him, and obviousy he was awkward. He became a pseudo-succesful stand up Comic in Chapel Hill, with humor based on, you guessed it, being awkward.

Todd Barry Awkward
Like 90% of all stand up comics.

Seriously though. The first half. It relied a lot on just a nerd in love with a hottie trying to change himself after graduation and spend one last moment with Beth Cooper. Hayden Panettiere from Heroes is the only actual star in this movie, most of the other roles played by no names or young who cares actors. (“That’s the same thing!” Shut up, voices.)

In this movie I really didn’t like her, but enjoyed the main two nerd characters. Seriously. So fucking awkward. This movie also had a lot of pretty quotable scenes. I’d give an example, but I actually forgot them. Shut up (again).

Much better than I thought it would be. I also saw She’s The Man today. Both movies had a scene involving a dude using a tampon up their nose.

Hayden P Hot
“Am I everything you’ve ever masturbated to?” Okay, maybe I remember one quote.

2 out of 4.

Rio

Was I entertained? Only kinda. Most of the songs in the movie end up being bad, except of course the small parts where Anne Hathaway gets to go LaadaadaaAaahAhhh. That’s a rough estimate of how her lines go. In fact, the best songs are during the closing credits. Whats up with that? Make some of them part of the movie. Most of the birds ended up being rappers too. Will i Am didn’t need to be in this. Was interesting hearing Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords though. Didn’t realize it was him until the rap part in his song. Too bad his bird character was annoying.

Jemaine Clement
“Clearly you just haven’t seen my real life bird impression.”

The plot was silly. The character, Blu (how original0, voiced by Mr. Social Network himself was a nerdy out of place bird who couldn’t Jive with the happening lifestyle of Rio. He couldn’t even fly! He didn’t like the music, and he liked having an owner. What a freak. Not even Anne Hathaway in bird form could make him change his mind. It took a wacky adventure of hijinks and looking for his owner to gain his own independence. But you could have guessed that. I don’t like the tie in with Angry Birds.

I also don’t think they accurately portrayed Carinval. They make it seem like one big parade at night and that is it. Not the multi-day all day every day affair that it is. Also costumes weren’t skimpy enough. But seeing the owner in her bird outfit for Carnival was CGI-Hawt.

Linda Rio Carnival
SHAKE those tail feathers!

2 out of 4.

Soul Surfer

Jesus. I mean really, Jesus. This film is super Christian based, and I had no idea. Putting the Soul in Soul Surfer.I was just hoping for cool surfing, shark attacks, and creepy one armed women. Sounds like a horror right? Thankfully this movie has Kevin Sorbo in it. Who doesn’t love Hercules? Even if he is going Hawaiian Shirt on you.

Hercules/Professor
No one doesn’t love Hercules

Unfortunately this movie also has Carrie Underwood in it, as her first real role in anything. She plays a Christian pastor thing, and it is pretty obvious she isn’t a real actress. All she seems to do is guilt trip miss surfer. Who played the Violet Beauregarde character in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! Now that’s creepy.

Violet Beauregarde
Maybe AnnaSophia Robb just plays winners.

This movie definitely focused a lot less on sharks and more on Christianity. Like, the scene with the shark is super quick. He bites and leaves. Rude. Doesn’t even want to snuggle. It also took forever. It kept teasing you knowing that you knew it was coming. But it kept not happening. Seriously, not only was this movie just secretly a pro Jesus movie, it is also kind of boring.

Sure this is a true story. But there is no way the rival surfer girl is as bitchy as the one in this movie. There is also no way her parents are as cool as Helen Hunt and Dennis Quaid.

Wait a minute. Jesus? Sharks? Violet Beauregarde? Kevin Sorbo in a Hawaiian T-Shirt? Carrie Underwood trying to act? Maybe this was a horror. That would explain it. I don’t like horrors.

1 out of 4.

The Lincoln Lawyer

I think everyone knows who Matthew McConaughey is. I also think most people know about his “Face”. He has a weird intense face. I think this intense face ends up getting at least one close up in every movie he is in too. For a way too long example of this face, check out Tropic Thunder. In the scene with him and Lex Grossman (Tom Cruise (I think that’s the character name?)) talking about the Jet. He definitely has that moment in this move too.

Face MM. Face.
This is not at all the image I wanted here.

But instead of being an agent he is a lawyer! Lincoln Lawyer meaning his car and his profession. MAN that took forever to figure out. Nothing about slavery.

He also is known for getting criminals out of their crime. But he is haunted by the fact that he might ever let an innocent person go to jail (not the other way around). This becomes an interesting crime thriller. Halfway through it you know who the killer is. But there are many complications with the law and its hard to describe without giving away. The whole ending is tense and you wonder how will Matthew McConaughey get out of this mess!
Also, this has William H Macy in it, which makes every movie better.

Macy Shoveler
Even this one.

3 out of 4.

Tangled

Good job Flynn, showing up right when Rapunzel turns 18 and when she is DTF. Wait what?

Tongue Flynn Tangled
He learned all his moves from that Chameleon, if ya know what I’m sayin’.

“Tangled” says this chick was stolen from her kingdom after being born by an evil witch. Her hair is magical, so she is using her hair to stay young. Vain witches are vain. The sheltered bitch doesn’t understand why on her birthday all these lanterns light up the sky, but she really wants to see it. Of course vain witch says no. Thankfully, there is Flynn, the rapist! I mean thief.
What?

Questionable Signs
I mean, it doesn’t say WHY he is wanted. You know, if you ignore the word Thief at the bottom.

So she finds a way out and goes on a wacky adventure, being chased by smart horses, other thieves, guards, and witches. I hope no one ever has any reason to use her. That would be rude.

Chuck from Chuck does the voice of Flynn, making the movie instantly better. I cant even remember the songs in it, but I know there is at least one. The academy awards taught me this. Mandy Moore is in here, and like every other movie I see her in, I have no real clue who she is. Was she a singer? Always an actress? What? Despite not a big role, we also get Hellboy as a voice actor. I feel like he never gets big roles anymore. This is a sham.

This is also very gorgeous movie, you should watch it on Blu-Ray.

3 out of 4.

W.

So this movie is a fictional yet real biography of the life of George W. I can say I didn’t like a lot of the pre-presidency years. That bored me. Sure he had an interesting party life, but I want to get to the nice political part of it all. The presidency! Yeahhhh! This seems to contradict with my thoughts in my last review of the Fantastic Mr. Fox. Oh well.

Clooney Fox Eyes
Bet you didn’t see this picture coming again so soon.

The story is also told out of order. Not even sure why. This can totally be a straightforward movie. Me being the type of individual who is hardly political, I also couldn’t tell you how much of this is real and how much is fake and how much is way over emphasized and blah blah.

Josh Brolin did a fantastic job. However the overall story line wasn’t as entertaining as I would have hoped. Maybe this is the kind of movie that is better 10 years later, when you don’t remember everything important that happens.

2 out of 4.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Damn it, Wes Anderson. I liked one of your movies. Are you happy now?

Oh you want more? Well, one thing that makes this film different is that it is stop animation, not live action. Because live action movies about foxes couldn’t be fantastic, like Mr. Fox is. It is quirky and lead by the great George Clooney, who seems to only be in more politically driven movies these days. Nothing wrong with it, but I want my George from O Brother and Men Who Stare at Goats. With that crazy whimsical look in his eyes. Not caring about the government. Leave that to Sean Penn.

Sean Penn Face
I assure you he is not looking at a goat right now.

But the story is based off of a kids book, and does it give it justice! Probably more justice than the book. The story is so interesting, of a fox who cant stop robbing farmers, and coming out of retirement to try the biggest robbery in his life. Okay, so it has some Ocean’s Eleven element to it too. Damn it George, come back! It is hard to explain how good this movie. Thankfully the rating says what you should do. GO WATCH THIS MOVIE.

Mr Fox Eyes
Damn it, he even has those crazy whimsical eyes as a fox.

4 out of 4.

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