Month: February 2016

With The Look of Silence, I will have completed all of the nominated documentaries for the 2016 Academy Awards!

This was the hardest one to find to watch and prepare for. Thankfully, Amazon Prime eventually had it available to rent.

If you didn’t see a month ago, I reviewed The Act of Killing, nominated a few years ago for best documentary (and losing to a music based Twenty Feet From Stardom). The Look of Silence is basically a sequel to that documentary. Yes, apparently documentaries can have sequels.

If you saw The Act of Killing, you will have learned that 50 years ago, there was a genocide in Indonesia. The people rebelled and the military took over, and all of the communists were killed. Communists are of course a loose term, and many thousands of people were slaughtered or raped. The people who did the killing became rich and are still the people leading the country politically today. And those people, for the most part, are PROUD of their acts.

It was really fucked up overall, and totally should have won that year.

So the director is back, with the sequel, to continue the story, but in a new way. (Which is good, no one likes the same fucking movie).

Look how fucking bored that guy is, watching the same movie twice.

Last time we talked with the killers, and for the most part, they showed no remorse. This time, our main character is Adi Rukun (seen above). He wasn’t born when the killing was taken place, but his brother Ramli was alive. He was also killed in a brutal fashion, despite just being a child and clearly not a communist. Because they felt like it. Adi is now an adult and has known about his brother’s death before, but thanks to Joshua Oppenheimer (the director), he has detailed information on exactly how and why his brother died. How so? From the killers, who explained the whole thing, and it was even written down in a book.

Now, Adi and his family are obviously not okay with any of this, but there is basically nothing they can do. Adi is an optometrist, and I guess they use that as a way for him to confront both the killers of his family, and people who killed in general. Offering them free glasses to help the vision and stuff.

So this time, outside of more backstory and information, a lot of it is just Adi talking to these people, asking hard questions and confronting them on their past. It is brutal. It is intense. And people don’t take these accusations kindly, and especially get pissed off at their past being brought up. They’d rather just forget the whole thing.

This documentary was fantastic. These are real people, a real genocide, and talking very uncomfortably about it all. This is the stuff that creates great drama, and it is on a subject people in the West know very little about.

Fuck, it was hard to make my eyes look away.

And I am annoyed, because most likely Amy will win Best Documentary. But I have put this film and Winter on Fire above it, because they were fan-fucking-tastic and important. I liked Amy, sure, but these documentaries feel so much more important. And I will be extremely disappointed if Oppenheimer loses a second time to a music bio documentary.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Why not a horror movie? The last time you watched something scary around this holiday was probably My Bloody Valentine, which at least makes sense somewhat thematically.

The Final Project probably picked its release date by throwing a dart at a calendar. It is a low budget, horror film, that is barely opening anywhere, but it is a real movie damn it. It knows it isn’t going to make bank the same weekend that Deadpool and Zoolander 2 comes out. But maybe it just wants to get those people who don’t like laughter or models and just want a good scare.

Not that The Final Project is promising to deliver a good scare. After all, it is another extremely cheaply done, hand held camera, no name actor, horror film that usually end up being pretty bad, but you never know. This might be the one to make money and be good.

Oh hey just a normal looking girl in the dark.

Movie begins with distorted figure, blurred and with a voice filter so his identity can be kept safe. Because he found this footage (making it officially found footage) and wants it out there. Yep.

This is about six students from University of Southern Louisiana in 2009, going to a haunted plantation in Vacherie, LA. It is important to note that there is no University of Southern Louisiana, so the fact that they are going for an actual realistic thing with the intro makes it quite annoying for them to mess up 10 seconds later.

The six students (Teal Haddock, Arin Jones, Sergio Suave, Leonardo Santaiti, Amber Erwin, Evan McLean) are doing this shitty documentary as a project for a class. The class was never explained, but the professor (Robert McCarley) doesn’t care. He assumes it will suck and he will still fail them, so hey, whatever.

Then they drive over there, people tell them to stay away, they don’t, and a whole lot of people die.

Oh shit she isn’t regular anymore!

Remember how they were going for realism? Well early on they made sure it was obvious of that, with the people talking not having their whole face in the frame, or people talking being blurred out.

Then something odd happened. During part of the van ride to the plantation, you can see all six students talking about dumb shit and playing Never Have I Ever. But none of them are holding the camera. There is literally a seventh person there, not talking and not supposed to be there holding the camera.

After a few scenes where this odd thing kept happening, we learn that there is a cameraman/engineer they also brought. Annoyingly, this was never said on camera until they already made it to the house halfway through the film roughly minute 40 of 75 minutes). The aspect of a camera man suddenly, after the first part of the film didn’t have one, just seems like a strange after though. Hell, the intro of the film mentioned that only six people went in to the house. They forgot there was actually seven.

It took 22 minutes before there was a scare. And it was someone screaming at the top of their lungs suddenly from a nightmare. If you like scares that consist of badly done “figures suddenly appearing” in the window, friends playing pranks, and the camera just going out allowing 85% of the very little action to not be in the film, then it is right up your ally.

On the audio front, it was all over the place. I had to constantly change my volume. It went back and forth. I had to lower the volume because it became too loud to understand, and then I couldn’t hear them talk/whisper and had to raise it back up. Very little sound work was done.

There are indie movies, and then there are things you make with your friends in the woods behind your house that you try and forget about years later. You don’t normally publish it and put it in theaters.

Here’s a documentary I have never heard about. Racing Extinction! Catchy title. Sounds urgent, however, I don’t like racing.

If it wasn’t for the fact that it was nominated for an Oscar, I would have never realized it existed. Best Documentary? No, this documentary wasn’t nominated for that. It was nominated for Best Original Song! Yeah! The most exclusive of Oscar categories. Two documentaries were actually nominated for Original Song, the other being The Hunting Ground. Which also was only nominated for a song.

I definitely didn’t know what to expect. Last year, Glen Campbell: I’ll Be Me was a different doc nominated for a song, and that one had some emotional power behind the song, so it made sense. These feel a bit weirder.

Racing Extinction is about right now. We are experiencing another mass extinction event like the one that killed the dinosaurs. But this one isn’t from a meteor, it is from human impact, fucking over environments for tons of species. Racing Extinction is about the people who are fighting to save whatever very specific bug/fish/mammal species only in one small part of the world and how they are doing it.

With power point video presentations. On buildings!

I big part of this movie is about protecting sharks from shark fin soup and other fish markets in China/Japan.

And honestly, I want to stop this now. This documentary was crap. First of all, the production quality is pretty dang low. I didn’t know this going in, but this is something made by The Discovery Channel, for the discovery channel. It feels like a television documentary on that channel. It has commercial breaks built in, complete with fade outs. It has background music almost throughout it, like I am watching Unwrapped.

So from the start, I am finding it just hard to concentrate on its message given how cheesy the whole thing feels. As for its message, well, being an activist is one thing, lying is another. They don’t think it is okay for other cultures to eat what they have eaten because they like the animals. It is them pushing their values onto other people and I think it is disgusting.

Do I want sharks to be slaughtered? No. But they literally snuck a camera into a big warehouse for it all, and they talked about how every part of the shark gets used for things. And then use propaganda films later to show sharks without fins as if that is what they do. They literally said and showed other wise.

The documentary didn’t do a good job of explaining what it wanted people to do, outside of not eating meat (cows, sharks, whatever) and to go to their website.

This is all besides the point. This documentary was nominated for best song. Let me save you the trouble: Manta Ray” by J. Ralph & Antony. If you listened to the whole thing I applaud you. And remember, this is going to be played live at the Oscars too.

Fuck.

Zoolander Zoolander Zoolander!

Fifteen years ish ago, I remember being a young impressionable teenager watching it for the first time. I laughed so much, so long. I quoted it so far for the rest of my life. It is probably one of my favorite comedies of all time and I am always in the mood for it. Hell, I remember putting in the DVD just to watch the Special Features Menu, because it was also hilarious. THE MENU!

The idea of a sequel has been kicked around for a long, long time. And yes, it has been delayed. But in this case, I am glad. If they forced a sequel, it would probably be shit. I expect they waited for a good script. I hope they waited for a good script.

Because it is clear that Dumb and Dumber To wasn’t waiting for the right script. They just got the idea, ran with it, and gave us a pile of shit. Please Zoolander 2, don’t be a pile of shit. Pleaaaase.

Bamblesport Cunnilingus was in it, so it can’t be completely shit!

Fifteen years ago, Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) saved the Prime Minister of Malaysia with his Magnum look and changed the world of fashion forever. Mugatu (Will Ferrell), Katinka Ingabogovinanana (Milla Jovovich), and Evil DJ (Justin Theroux) went to jail! But bad stuff started to happen almost immediately.

Without spoilers, Zoolander soon found himself without his wife (Christine Taylor) and son (Cyrus Arnold), with Hansel (Owen Wilson) refusing to speak to him, and a laughing stock again in the world. So he left to become a Hermit, living alone in a cabin on a mountain.

Now, in 2016, he receives an invitation to Rome, by Alexanya Atoz (Kristen Wiig), the new big fashion person. Derek, along with Hansal, are to star in a new campaign and revitalize their careers. Derek wants to do it to get his family back. Hansal wants to do it to run away from his problems, from being part of a family.

Also, a whole bunch of celebrities are being killed. Including Justin Bieber! When they die, they seem to have Zoolander’s classic look on their face. This investigation is being led by Interpol’s Fashion Police division, Valentina (Penelope Cruz).

And featuring Kyle Mooney as a fashion designer, Sting, Kiefer Sutherland and Susan Sarandon as themselves, Fred Armisen as an 11 year old boy, and the return of Billy Zane and Nathan Lee Graham as Todd.

Zoolander’s hands are being played by Jerry Stiller.

Sure enough, Zoolander 2 is not as good as the first film, but in reality that was impossible. Humor was a different beast in the last 90’s and early 2000’s. If they went for a film with the exact same tone, it would most likely feel just dated.

But damn it, this sequel gave me Zoolander and Hansel back, and they are acting like they never went away. These felt like the characters, the movie was true to them, and they didn’t become warped caricatures. Well, maybe a little warped. But not terrible. I believed everything they did and said.

The film had a few unique laugh moments that had me in stitches. They rehash a lot of the old jokes, but it thankfully isn’t a majority of the film like how it felt for Anchorman 2. They come and go, sometimes they stick, some time they don’t. For instance, the Hansel being so hot joke? It was poorly placed and made it completely shit.

I would probably have given this a higher grade, for enjoyability and nostalgia, but the plot is almost incomprehensible. Looking back on it, trying to figure out character actions, none of it seems to make sense. I can’t even tell if Billy Zane is supposed to be a bad guy. It has a large conspiracy element like the first film, but this one is so badly done I can’t imagine how they thought it was a good idea.

And for the most part, the cameos were disappointing. The only two that had a large presence were Bieber and Sutherland. Everyone else was one joke and done, quite a shame.

Overall, you should definitely watch the film if you want more Zoolander. But you might not have to see it in theater.

“No, there is no way…” you might be thinking to yourself. “The website just hit 1500 reviews not that long ago. Why would he still do a big weird review every 50? It’s getting old now, he should just do it every 100. That makes sense.”

Man, you are thinking a lot. But yes, I am indeed doing another Milestone Review. Maybe after I hit 2000 I will switch it up, but frankly I love doing them which is why I am willing to celebrate number 1550.

So, why The Love Guru? Simple. It is just another supposedly awful movie that I have never seen. I need to see the classic bad movies and make sure they are bad damn it. It makes me a stronger human being.

But even more so, it is rumored that this movie killed Mike Myers‘ career. It makes since when you look at his IMDB, after this film he had a small cameo in Inglourious Basterds and then no other feature film roles. Just voice work, mostly Shrek, and some shorts. He must really be devastated by this film.

Also, it is two days before Valentine’s Day, it is fate. Plus I heard it has a lot of celebrity cameos!

Hey everyone, it is former NHL Defenseman Rob Blake!

Guru Pitka (Myers) is the number 2 Hindu love guru in the world! That damn Deepak Chopra is always on top. He is the one everyone loves and gets all the money.

Do you know why? Because Chopra was on Oprah, and Oprah’s reach is vast and powerful.

Pitka was the son of missionaries to India, where Pitka received training from (sigh) Guru Tugginmypudha (Ben Kingsley). Pitka made it clear that the only reason he wanted to be a guru was so that women would love him. Makes sense, honesty is good. Tugginmypudha (sigh again) took this knowledge and put a chasity belt on him, until he could learn that loving himself was more important than being loved by others.

Get it? That’s a masturbation joke!

So how’s a Guru gonna get on Oprah? By helping a big time celebrity do something great!

I’m about to talk hockey. The Toronto Maple Leafs haven’t won the Stanley Cup for a long time. Over 50 years. It is a joke now. But they finally have a great and dynamic player in Darren Roanoke (Romany Falco). He has gotten them to the Stanley Cup Playoffs! But recently his wife, Prudence (Meagan Good) has left him.

She hasn’t just left him to be single. She left him for another man. Another hockey player. Jacques “Lè Cocq” Grande (Justin Timberlake), goaltender for the LA Kings. He is French Canadian and he has a big dick.

That’s funny because black dudes usually have the biggest dicks.

Now Roanoke is heart broken over his love life, but he won’t admit it. He won’t admit to being that love struck. So his play begins to suffer and it has for awhile.

But now it is almost the Stanley Cup Finals! They need him to win!

So the owner, Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba), a fan of Pitka, wants him to come down and save the team. She is also worried about a curse that is attributed to her dad after they bought the team, as they haven’t won since. But that is a side issue.

Thanks to Pitka’s manager, Dick Pants (John Oliver), Oprah is also going to put him on her show if he can help the Maple Leafs win the cup! Hot damn.

I think the real joke is that his entire body looks like one large erect male penis.

Pitka has a plan. He wants to put Roanoke on his DRAMA program. Pitka loves acronyms, most of his presentations feature them.

The D stands for Distraction. He wants to distract Roanoke from his issues first, to see if he will play better. If he isn’t thinking about the lady, maybe he can just naturally kick butt again.

And it works! However, it also leads to him getting a two game suspension. The Maple Leafs lose game 1, and now Roanoke won’t be there for games 2 and 3! Shit, you only need 4 to win.

This lands him in hot water with his coach (Verne Troyer), whom he also physically assaulted during the game to earn the suspension. Not that it matters, because they need him.

Can’t even.

R stands for Regression for some reason, and Pitka hears that Roanoke’s mother (Telma Hopkins) never goes to the games. There must be an issue there, so they visit and well, Roanoke is just afraid of his mom. They have some issues and whenever she comes to the game he gets all nervous and sucks it up.

But that problem is moot. Pitka needs to fix the problem and fast or else he won’t get Oprah! So fuck the rest of the AMA.

So he solves the love problem, not the mom problem, a temporary fix. This allows Roanoke to get his groove back and help win the next 3 games for the Maple Leafs. That means they have come back to force a game 7, and everything is now on the line! Nothing can go bad!

Just like Katrina wasn’t so bad.

Let’s take a break to talk about hockey. Mike Myers is Canadian and he clearly likes the sport. I have seen pictures of him at games! Never Kanye though. So it makes sense for him to want hockey in a movie he has made with his own hands and toes.

But for someone who actually likes the sport, there is so much they got wrong that annoys the crap out of me. And I am taking in the fact that this movie came out in 2008, rules are still rules.

Lot of illegal things happneed during the game with no calls at all. Many penalties ignored, making Hockey seem much more thuggish (which was made apparent when Roanoke was told to not fight, but he said that all hockey players fight).

After he did something bad, the ref kicked him out and said he was suspended for a game. Changed his mind after he did something worse and called it a 2 game suspensions. Refs don’t have the power to suspend, only in Soccer. It was awkward.

They messed up the playoffs for some reason. For hockey, the home team has a 1 home game advantage. They play 2 at home, 2 away, 1 at home, 1 away, and the final one at home if it goes to 7. Instead of 2-2-1-1-1, they did 2-3-2, which is what the NBA does for their finals. They made sure to get the arenas right, except for in game 3 in LA, when they switched back to show people in the Leafs press box or something similar.

Timberlake’s goaltender wears an illegal old mask for some reason. The Maple Leafs coach at one point calls “his last time out” when there is only one time out in hockey. It is technically true, but no one words it that way.

And finally, Rob Fucking Blake, celebrity hockey cameo. He plays defense, and they put him at forward.

Get that cotton candy grin off your fucking face. Hockey is serious business.

Guess what? Roanoke’s mom shows up to game 7, causing a catastrophe. But thanks to Pitka coming back to save the day and a lot of people working together, Roanoke comes back and saves the day. Yay.

And guess what? Pitka learns to love himself! So his chastity belt can come off and he can sex up Jane and they can do fun Hindu things together. I couldn’t figure out how to mention that Manu Narayan was in this movie as Pitka’s assistant. So here you go.

If you expected this song to not end in a Bollywood song and dance number, then you probably don’t even know how to put on pants.

One foot at a time, until all five feet are in.

I also forgot to mention cameos! Stephen Colbert and Jim Gaffigan are the sports announcers. Rob Huebel and Daniel Tosh play tough guys in a country bar, leading to the worst bar fight I’ve seen in a movie. Val Kilmer, Jessica Simpson, and of course Kanye West play themselves. And Mariska Hargitay is in here, which is a joke that I did not get at all.

The Love Guru, as it turns out, is just not good. This could never be a case where it turns out everyone hated it before watching it and judged it by the trailers. Sure, that could have happened. But since in real life land, Myers hasn’t really worked since, it physically has to be a real turd burglar.

The biggest issue is that this movie has one main type of joke that it just runs into the ground. Sex! That is all Pitka really wants, and thus jokes about, and it gets old quickly.

Sure, they throw in some other humor, race, height, whatever, but it all comes out as juvenile. The only scene that actually made me giggle was seeing Myers/West together as fans. Good, they poked fun of the real life situation that was awkward only two years prior. But that is a one off moment and isn’t relevant to the film in any way.

I feel like Pitka lacks a real personality. Austin Powers was amazing, as the films were parodies sure, but Powers had a voice, had a reason, and made sense in the world he created. Pitka was something that felt like a never ending SNL skit with nothing below the surface.

I imagine most people working on this project saw this as the next Austin Powers, a budding franchise that everyone would love. Well, maybe if this one came out in the early 90’s. Because the humor was over a decade late and it just feels never ending.

People have been waiting years for a Deadpool movie. At least a little bit over one year.

Remember X-Men Origins: Wolverine? Of course you don’t, because any sane person has blocked it from their memory. But that is when we finally got a Deadpool on screen, played by Ryan Reynolds, and he was barely in it. Hell, he became a final fight, but his mouth was sewn shut, and he is known for his talking mouth.

So people went on the internet and bitched and complained, which is the number 2 thing people do on the internet. And no one listened. Until finally, in 2014 “test footage” of Deadpool visual effects made in 2012 was “leaked online.” Oh no! The internet went wild and shared it, showing there would be interest, and guess what, interest finally existed for them to go full on with the movie that had been in development hell for at least a decade.

Now that it is here, my only worry is that it is actually going to suck. Because the Wolverine solo films suck and the advertisements everywhere make the film look like it is trying too hard.

Heh. Hard. Like a penis. Hey, is that a boner!?

Ryan Reynolds is DEADPOOL, aka Wade Wilson, aka not Deathstroke or Wolverine. A weird guy, excessively violent, speaks graphically and honestly, a go getter, can heal exceptionally fast, and breaks the fourth wall.

That is basically everything you knew if you were already on the internet, because that is what is he known for now.

Did you know before he had the hideous face he was just a fucked up mercenary with a twisted sense of honor? Did you know he loved a woman (Morena Baccarin) almost as fucked up as him? That he frequented a bar of tough guys where his friend Weasel (T.J. Miller, not Pauly Shore) worked? That he developed cancer in multiple parts of his body, and to try and cure it, he underwent secret scary surgery that promised to make him into a super hero?

But no, it was a bad place run by Ajax (Ed Skrein), who was turning these people into super soldier slaves! He is the main bad guy, super strong and fast, with no nerves so he doesn’t get a fuck about no pain.

Yeah! So Deadpool really wants him to kill him. Or get him to fix his ugly body that is gross now, then kill him!

Also featuring on his side, Colossus (Stefan Kapicic, just the voice), and Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Brianna Hildebrand)! Angel Dust (Gina Carano) is Ajax’s main lackey, and a guy named Warlord (Michael Benyaer) also exists. Other characters are played by Karan Soni, Randal Reeder, Jed Rees, and Leslie Uggams plays Blind Al.

Colossus could make a good case for being blind as well.

I am afraid the internet will hate me. Deadpool has received gallons of support from other early reviewers, and if I don’t like it they will cut me down like the people who for some reason believe Sylvester Stallone deserves awards from Creed.

But let’s get straight to the point. Parts of Deadpool are hilarious. Parts of Deadpool have great action. Parts of Deadpool make me smile. But all of them just feel like small parts, and I want more. It isn’t funny enough and there isn’t enough action.

Starting with the action, our bad guy is played by Skrein, who most recently did a terrible job with The Transporter Refueled. His character is also strong and can take a huge beating, but he is incredibly boring and dry. He doesn’t feel sinister, just almost like a normal gang member with some powers. Similarly, Angel Dust is just Gina Carano. She is super strong I guess? Another boring power.

But they are just two people who like like humans, going against Deadpool and Colossus, a 100% CGI man, and Negasonic, who is barely used. In super hero battles you expect both sides to have some sort of pizzazz. Without it, it is just Deadpool slaughtering gang members and a couple slightly stronger humans.

Similarly, there didn’t seem to be enough action. The intro action sequence plastered over the trailers was broken up by extremely long back story sequences. It ruined the flow of that scene for me. Outside of the final climatic battle, it just didn’t feel like there was a lot between them.

This is about as epic as any encounter gets unfortunately.

Now for the comedy. Again, there were great and hilarious moments. I tended to laugh at the smaller jokes. The crude and vulgar humor felt about as funny as it does in a teen sex comedy, so sparingly. T.J. Miller was usually good, but even his lines felt forced at times, not a lot of natural moments.

Meta jokes were usually good, as they were part of the fourth wall breaking. I tend to like that in movies in general, and the moments in here were all used nicely. But again. The back story didn’t have enough humor in it. The lines were witty, but they were too far and in between. Fuck, when he was getting tortured in the secret facility? I thought that would never end. It didn’t make the film feel dark and gritty, just made me checking my mental clock wondering when it would get to the good stuff.

I am just a bit disappointed. I got a bit hyped up from the internet storm, and I thought Deadpool could have been a lot better. More wall to wall action and comedy. Better villains so that something cool could have happened in the fight scenes. Hell, Colossus was completely underused and just became generic Russian strong guy.

I have high hope that sequel will end up being much better. But for now, this ended up just being okay, exactly what I was afraid would happen.

A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence was recommended to me months ago. But alas, it was a foreign film, and I put all of them in my “Get To Eventually” folder. And a couple months ago, it was even put on Netflix, making it even easier to watch it, but alas, subtitles.

And now I am finally forcing myself to watch it, not only because I love the title and want to know more, but because it was nominated for a Spirit Award for Best International Film! Didn’t get a pick for the Oscars, but hey, that’s harder.

Anyways. What the fuck pigeons, right?

Horses are notorious for their hatred of pigeons.

I have no idea what to say.

This is a weird movie with a lot of smaller plots. Most of them are pretty much on their own, but occasionally, some of them get connected.

The picture above is pretty sweet though? A lot of strange things going on there. We got a horse, we got uniforms, we got a bar, we have some scared women, and a dude in a mask. Just give it your full attention. It is strange, and it is meant to be strange.

The picture below is less exciting, but it was my favorite scene. Why? Well, the place burst into Norwegian song, and it was a great feeling. I stopped looking at the lyrics just to listen and watch, because song lyrics rarely matter.

If there was any story, it would be about Jonathan (Holger Andersson) and Sam (Nils Westblom), two novelty item salesmen who try to sell some items and wander around and have bad shit happen.

Ever feel like everyone in a restaurant is staring at you?

A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence is probably the weirdest movie of 2015. Take that American Ultra. And I mean weirdest by a mile.

It isn’t super absurd, like Rubber, it just has that strange aura throughout each scene. First of all, the camera doesn’t move or follow anyone around. Each of the pictures showcases a scene, and in the entirety of the scene, you will see it from that point of view. That makes the viewer feel disjointed from the action, like an outside observer. Like a…pigeon…staring through the window…or something.

Secondly, the characters are just weird people. The scenes are amusing just because they don’t feel normal. No one is extravagant with their emotions. They are all low key and living their monotone lives.

A very strange film to describe, so much that I have used that word five times already and this review is getting repetitive.

Is it good? Debatable. I would say it is unique and well made and it did what it was going for. Not really anything I’d suggest to most people, nor would I ever watch again. Norway. You crayyy.

Hayao Miyazaki, remember that guy? Famed animated director at Studio Ghibli who made a shit ton of great animated films and then retired after The Wind Rises?

Well, Studio Ghibli was basically all up on that Miyazaki hype train, so the didn’t really know what to do. Yes, they did The Tale of the Princess Kaguya which was incredibly different (and still amazeballs), but they decided they should take a break to figure out what the hell they were going to do.

Right after When Marnie Was There, which was already in development. Yes, after that, THEN they would take their break and figure shit out.

So here we are. Ho hum. Feels like a filler movie knowing these details.

When Marnie was there, Anna was still a good steps from the finishing line.
That slow running bitch.

Anna Sasaki (Hailee Steinfeld) is a 12 year old girl, a bit of a loner, and a lot of a tom boy. She isn’t going to the mall or teeheehee-ing it up with the other girls. She just wants to draw and be left alone (thus my use of the term loner). Either way, she has an asthma attack, so her Foster mom (Geena Davis) sends her to her relatives over the summer to get a refresher on life.

There she stays with Setsu (Grey Griffin) and Kiyomasa Oiwa (John C. Reilly), still feeling weird. Anna gets in a fight with a girl about her blue eyes (not knowing her real family), so she runs off to the mysterious mansion across the Marsh that used to have foreigners live there. It is not abandoned. JUST KIDDING. Marnie (Kiernan Shipka)is there, and so is her whole rich family. Funny, it used to look abandoned and shit.

Marnie and Anna agree to keep each other secret, so they can be friends but let no one know.

Overtime, with Marnie, Anna is able to find out the truth about her life and her family, even though she doesn’t know it yet.

Also having the voices of Ava Acres, Vanessa Williams, and Catherine O’Hara.

When Marnie was there behind the bushes, we could see everything. EVERYTHING.

Just so we are clear, I totally watched the English Dub, thus the actors/actresses tagged. I couldn’t even find a subtitled version if I wanted it.

And just so we are clear again, this film was nominated for an Oscar for Animated Films, as the Studio Ghibli movies tend to be. But this one just doesn’t do it for me on any level.

Ghibli in recent movies have had the sexiest animation, although going in many different directions (see the two movies I tagged in the intro). This one just felt so bland and old. It felt stylistically like a step back in the wrong direction. It wasn’t completely shit, it just wasn’t up to the standards that I have become accustomed to.

The voice acting from the English cast felt pathetic. The first half of the movie, everyone seemingly just talks in a monotone voice. It makes the story drag on and on. By the end, I didn’t give a crap about the mystery of who Marnie was. It felt like the characters were bored with it all, and the emotions were just pitiful. I wonder if the voice work was all done in one take with never any context.

As I already mentioned, the story was a big meh from me. It could never grasp me or make me care about those involved. It felt way too long, without enough happening to push the mystery closer to its conclusion. The entire mystery is told by the end of course, but if there were clues along the way to let you know what was happening, I didn’t see any of them.

Ghibli is taking a break to figure shit out. This is good. I am sad they ended the note on this film, which I almost feel like was nominated because the Academy is used to their films being so much better.

Growing up, I never really felt like a girl. No, I didn’t skip from toddler to womanhood. I am just a dude. But still, I don’t know what it feels like to be a girl.

I never found someones diary and betrayed their trust by reading about their deepest and darkest secrets. Except for Anne Frank, but apparently she was cool with it since she was dead and all.

Thankfully, I have movies that tell me what it means to be a girl. And I also now have The Diary of a Teenage Girl, so I can get those few years of middle and high school. That is definitely the years I understood girls the least, given my friendship and dating record.

What? Oh this is getting too personal. Sorry, I confused a prestigious movie reviewing website for a Live Journal again. Ahem.

Now let me put the rest of my secrets on audio. No one can get to them then.

Minnie (Bel Powley) just had sex for the first time and she is only fifteen. Whoa. This is already getting too personal for me.

She has been wanting to explore her sexuality for awhile, but she is sort of shy, not the best looking girl and lacking confidence in her breasts. But she had sex finally after seducing Monroe (Alexander Skarsgård). For those who can read actor names in the parenthesis, you will realize that he is not a high school aged boy, he is a super adult. That is because he happens to be the boyfriend of Charlotte (Kristen Wiig), Minnie’s mom. Oh boy. That’s a rape.

Except they get super into each other. Like. A lot. And I do mean into each other. This ups Minnie’s confidence to walk down her school’s halls and know she can take on the world.

But again. This relationship is not appropriate and bad. He is manipulating her. Or fuck. Is she manipulating him? No, that’d be crazy…

Also starring Abby Wait as Minnie’s younger sister, Miranda Bailey as Minnie’s friend, and Christopher Meloni as Minnie’s father.

If you look closely, you will see this picture is very inappropriate.

I have never felt so much like a teenage girl in my life before. That should be apparent given the introduction. Powley did such a fascinating job as the lead. Powley herself is 23 years old at this point, but she was a teenage girl before and frankly looks very young. So along with acting the shit out of being an actual teenager, it made me feel quite uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough to look up Powley’s age.

The film was rated R for a variety of reasons, including GRAPHIC NUDITY, but surprisingly no actual male dick. The only penises you see are drawn/animated. Lot of boobs though. And a lot of very uncomfortable sex. Sex sex sex.

Moving on. The rest of the film, outside of the awkward teenager ness and great acting from Powley, was also good. The supporting cast felt realistic, the plot felt realistic. It was all just about a girl finding herself. There a quite a few films that fit into this genre, but this feels like it should go directly to the top tier.

This film happens to be up for several Spirit awards, including Best Actress and Best First Feature, meaning the director hadn’t done a film before this one. Pretty crazy to think about. Marielle Heller, not only directed for the first time, but also wrote the screenplay, which is also her first. It clearly takes a woman to really understand all the weirdness it takes to be a woman.

Now, I am not trying to be sexist here. But let’s think about The Lady In The Van. Is it creepy? Maybe a bit. I imagine a cat lady, even though if you live in a van, you probably don’t want cats in there as well. That’d be poopy.

But if this was titled The Man In The Van, most likely it would be some sort of scary horror film. Lady is intriguing. What is she doing in the van? Man is sketchy. What is he doing in the van? He should stop it immediately regardless!

I guess I should be thankful this is about a lady. Early year horror films are janky, but dramas early in the year might not be.

Overall, this babble is brought to you by: Genders. Men are scary, yo.

How British in this movie you may be asking? Well…

Miss Shepherd (Maggie Smith) is just a really old lady, and she needs help. Sure, she lives in a van, but she is self employed selling pencils and notes on the street. Not a beggar, no sir. People wouldn’t take too kindly to that. This is 1970’s England, and it is perfect! She parks her van in a nice suburb area. Where the people are relatively well off and in that range where they will help her out and let her use the water closet, to make themselves feel like they are doing good in the world. And Alan Bennett (Alex Jennings) just moved in.

Alan is a writer of plays and, of course, mildly successful. He has finally moved away from his Mam (Gwen Taylor), who might need to be put in a home herself soon. He is our narrator as well, and he describes that he has two halves. The one who writes, and the one who lives. Sure enough, he befriends this lady in the van, who has lived an apparently long and complicated life. He already writes a lot about old ladies, thanks to inspiration from his Mam, and he has to figure out if he wants to write about Miss Shepherd as well, or just experience her like a normal person would.

Miss Shepherd is also very secretive about parts of her life. She hates it when anyone plays music and will rant wildly if it occurs. She is being blackmailed by a cop (Jim Broadbent) for maybe killing a person. Yeah, that is important.

Guess how long this old lady stays on the street/ in his driveway? Guess! Over a decade, that is the only hint I will give.

We have a lot of neighbors who are in the story, played by Frances de la Tour, Roger Allam, and Deborah Findlay. There were also quite a bit of cameos. People who I thought were way too famous to be in this movie for one line or one small scene and never seen again. They include Dominic Cooper, Sam Spruell, James Corden, and Russell Tovey.

And this is the lady sneaking out from behind her van.

It turns out all the people who had small cameos in this movie were there for a reason. And no, it wasn’t because James Corden is a douchebag who only gets 1 line in British films and doesn’t deserve a Late Night talk show program. The director, Nicholas Hytner, also directed The History Boys about 9 years ago. It was his last film and all of these random famous people cameos came from that film. The more you know!

Also, this movie is technically a 2015 film, despite getting released in America so late. So it was up for all the fancy awards and it was nominated for…one golden globe! It was also nominated for some British awards, as expected, given it has Maggie Smith in it, who is basically the British Meryl Streep. They love nominating these ladies.

Speaking of Smith, she was fantastic in this role. I have never seen her so old or decrepit. I was getting worried about Smith herself, given how pale and old she looked. Thankfully I remembered that make up departments in a movie were a thing and she doesn’t actually look like she is one step away from death. But damn do they pull it off in this movie. She is funny and naggy and cantankerous. Everything you’d hope for in a movie old lady, but not in someone you actually know.

The rest of the movie leaves something to be desired. Jennings plays an incredibly closeted British man well, but as a narrator and co-lead he is never really exciting enough. He is basically playing the audience half the time, just watching things happen around him, due to his timidness (or Britishness, really). The split personality thing was confusing for the most part, never really enjoyed how they had that play out. It was made weirder at the ending when they tried to explain it a bit more in the conclusion, too. The many other characters give an occasional smile, but don’t do a lot outside of show up once in awhile to be nosy.

Overall, you can probably watch this for Smith as she gives a wonderful eccentric performance. But this is not something you would want to watch ever again.