Month: June 2013

Originally on this website I refused to review Horror movies, because I was a coward. That means once I got over it, I had a lot of backlog to catch up on. So if you have been seeing a lot more horror on average, now you know why! Because there is a lot of shit out there, and you need to know which of that shit is good and which of that shit is bad.

With a movie called Chernobyl Diaries, you might be able to figure out which side of the fence it falls on.

Or maybe it falls on top of the fence itself, and falls awkwardly on both sides.

This movie began with the song Alright by Supergrass. You’ve heard it, trust me. I was confused.

But lets run with it. Traveling around Europe can be exciting for people in their early 20s (and well, anyone). Chris (Jesse McCartney) and his girlfriend Natalie (Olivia Dudley) and third friend Amanda (Devin Kelley) are running around Europe, being young and free. They stop in Kiev to visit Chris’ brother, Paul (Jonathan Sadowski), and he likes to live life on the edge.

Paul hears about this “extreme tour” of Pripyat, the abandoned company town which sits in the shadow of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant. Oh snap. It would be lead by tough guy Uri (Dimitri Diatchenko), with another couple (Nathan Phillips, Ingrid Bolso Berdal) joining them.

But when they get there, they are stopped by the Ukranian military. For some reason, they cannot go into the abandoned city today. Huh. Too bad. What? They will sneak in. Good idea. It is pretty cool place, very eerie. But when the van doesn’t start before dusk when they try to leave, they get nervous. Apparently someone has sabotaged their vehicle. Now they are stranded in an abandon city. Oh boy, what could go wrong?

“Who’s there? Is that you, Fred? Fred, stop being weird.”

I wonder what the survivors of the Chernobyl explosion feel about this movie. Actually, no, I don’t care. If we had to worry about offending people before we made movies, a lot of movies wouldn’t get made. I can’t have that happening.

Dumb kids were being dumb in this movie, and the timing felt off. Their second day in the city seemed incredibly short, I am not sure why it took them so long to do the various things.

But at the same time, making this movie with what they worked at, it was surprisingly okay. There was a variety into the deaths of these poor saps. They weren’t just disappearing off the side of the camera, which well, some did. The ending was a bit expected, but still glad they went that route. It unfortunately opens up room for more of these, but I don’t want to see another one.

You know what? This movie had a bear. A big fucking bear in it. I love bears. Bears should be in more movies. It is not a complete pile of shit. How could it be, it has a bear!

2 out of 4.

Yeah! War! Modern War! None of this sissy Vietnam movie crap.

We need an updated war movie. Preferably not one with people in deserts either. A sexy war movie, with a new opponent that isn’t a country, but maybe a small organization or a single terrorist? Something that you wouldn’t send an army after, but instead an elite fighting group of soldiers to take out and handle. Maybe, just maybe, you could send the Navy SEALS after them? They are exiting. They got Obama.

So why not make a movie designed to show off how cool they are? Like what Act of Valor does. Outside of the main unheard of actors, it has real Navy SEALS in the background to get people pumped up for war and the navy.

Actual Navy SEALS? Bonkers! But look look, there are actual GUNS as well!

The movie begins with a terrorist attack in the Philippians. It is a fucked up one too. Sure it takes out a US Ambassador, but also a dozen or more school kids. Whoa. Kid deaths. You know this is not a Spielberg movie. Who is to blame? A Chechen terrorist (hmmm, topical) named Abu Shabal(Jason Cottle).

You know what? I am already bored as fuck going over this plot summary. They have to go get him. There might be some drug smuggling stuff going on too. One of the seal team members is going to be a dad soon, so we know we have to watch his story closely. It’d be a shame if he died.

I don’t even want to tag any of the main people in this movie, because they are all SEALs. You know what that means? It means we are getting an action movie with shitty acting. Okay, that is probably normal for most action movies, sure. But this is even more shitty, as it is just regular people trying to convey emotion on camera.

Thankfully they focus more on the fighting and stealthing around. I guess.

Fuck the guns. This is an actual swamp. ACTUAL SEALS IN ACTUAL SWAMPS.

They should have used real actors for this. I don’t buy any of this bullshit of “the filmmakers realized that no actors could realistically portray or physically fill the roles they had written and the actual SEALs were drafted to star in the film.” That’s crap, actors do that all the time. It is called acting.

So instead we get a movie with a bunch of literal no names (I can’t tell if the names in the credits were changed to protect identities, or if they are their real names but no one cares) in the most generic feeling action movie ever. Honestly, maybe because they were going for realism? It just bored the crap out of me. You can read the very detailed plot description on its wiki link if you want, I just get so bored beginning to talk about it, I’d rather link you to my biggest competitor. Shh, wiki is so a competitor.

Maybe I am even more bugged out that the SEAL team members were basically forced to do this film. To use as a promotional campaign. A really fucking long promo ad. Maybe it will get people excited, but I doubt after the Somalian Pirate incident they needed more press.

Basically a superliminal version of Yvan Eht Nioj.

0 out of 4.

Some things in life are timeless.

A lot of those things are classic movie villains. Sure you have your Draculas and your Frankensteins. But in the 80s we were introduced to a new batch. Like Jason! And Freddy Krueger.

So with these franchises already past the point of overabundance, I don’t care if we get a remake. Why the hell not? It couldn’t get worse. They could even change everything about how it got started, and I probably wouldn’t care. Just give me cool deaths or something, maybe real scares, and make him terrifying.

Well, right now he looks like burnt beans. I mean that kid from Even Stevens.

Guess what. In this movie, people are dying in their dreams. There are Nightmares On Elm Street, and they are deadly.

Dean Russell (Kellan Lutz) is flipping his shit at a diner, and it appears that he slits his own throat in a dream like sequence. He is being attacked by a strange man, burnt face, hat, blades on one hand. Oh yes, the Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley) is all up on his life.

So I feel strange talking about the plot outline of this movie. It is fucking A Nightmare On Elm Street. He kills people in dreams, because he died a long time ago for being a pedo. SOmehow magic is involved. Some of the teens begging to die include Katie Cassidy, Kyle Gallner, and Thomas Decker. Rooney Mara gets to be our main lady, so she might survive. We shall see.

Oh, is Freddy a teacher now? There is no joke here.

Wait, did you see the cast listing? Outside of Mara, they have basically Twilighted this series. Maybe the original had some big teen stars too, but they didn’t have Twilight. This one is more obvious.

What really bugged me was the high quality of the camera work. It made the movie seem fake, having it set to ultra HD standards. The 80s movies are gritty, because that was the only quality available, but it also added to the fear. The crisp quality made me actually hate the movie, which I don’t think I ever said before. It just took me out of the moment.

Rehashing the story felt silly the whole time. Another problem? None of the deaths felt particularly creative or anything. The plot to fight back was stupid. The ending was stupid. The movie/remake was stupid.

1 out of 4.

I am watching The Iceman on the recommendation from someone who hasn’t even seen the dang thing. They just heard it was good from other people. Thankfully, I am glad I took that advice.

The opening of this movie starts with a really awkward coffee date between Richard “Richie” Kuklinksi (Michael Shannon) and Deb (Winona Ryder) that doesn’t seem to be going well. She’s telling him how she thinks he’s not talking enough and then makes a comment about his creepy tattoo. Because of this, he gets visibly offended and she apologizes profusely. However, two scenes and several years later they’re married and having a baby!

That tells us one of two things: Either bad first dates could end up well, or their bad decision making has been consistent.

Ray Liotta is in a film about mob guys? Who saw that coming?
After Richie’s job with a Disney cartoon dubbing *cough*porn*cough* studio gets eliminated, Richie is offered a job by the mob boss as a hit man.  Turns out, Richie is already pretty cold-hearted dude, due to some serious childhood issues, so he has no problems gracefully accepting the position. After all, he’s got a wife and a kid and apparently she’s spending her days looking at expensive houses instead of quietly cleaning the one she has. That bitch.

After years spent as a contract killer picking off everybody, including business associates and long time friends, it’s clear that the only people he cares about are his wife and kids. He doesn’t care about them enough to tell him the truth or get a real job or anything, no, but he will kill anyone that gets in the way of him supporting his family.

“Tax man? Dead! School Principal? Dead! Door to door salesman? Dead! Lazy crosswalk guard? Double dead!”Due to the fact that this is based on real events (and there was a documentary about it roughly 20 years ago) it’s not much of a spoiler to say “Hey! The police caught him!”  The finale includes a really crazy monologue from Richie, and according to the history books he never saw his family again.

What really gets me about this film is that it’s so intense but void of a lot of high powered action. You are only going to get one car chase, and it is not as you would expect. No one is going to fight on top of a train, but I feel like that’s better reserved for Bond.

Also, I was incredibly fascinated by the casting choices for Richie and Deb. Shannon is such a HUGE guy and Ryder is this tiny little thing and every time he embraces her or even just stands next to her it looks like she’s going to disappear into him.

Overall it was a really captivating movie and I’d put this on my “watch again” list.

4/5
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I’ve reviewed this on Criticker!

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The first time I saw the trailer for Now You See Me, I got all sorts of excited. A movie with magic and illusions? Heck yeah! It has been seven years since we really had movies on the subject, when we were blessed with The Prestige and The Illusionist, both of which were quite enjoyable.

Oh. I meant good movies about magicians. Sorry. I tend to forget about The Incredible Burt Wonderstone already (and that was in March!).

Look at this gaggle of fucks right here. Basically every star in this movie! Wait…

To start the film, we are introduced to four different street magicians. Atlas (Jesse Eisenberg), the fast talking kind of a dick magician, McKinney (Woody Harrelson), the formerly big mentalist, Henley (Isla Fisher), the former assistant turned pro, and Jack Wilder (Dave Franco), the thieving tricky magician. They are all invited to a secret gathering, where they find blue prints to pull off great magical feats. A year later, they are calling themselves The Four Horsemen and headlining in Las Vegas and around the world!

Their new benefactor is Arthur Tressler (Michael Caine), a big big millionaire, and they just used a magic trick to rob a bank in Paris. Huh? What?

Yep. But the FBI and lead detective Dylan Rhodes (Mark Ruffalo) are in a pickle. Can they arrest them for a magic trick, with no real evidence? Well, no evidence unless they assume magic is real. The answer is no. Even with Thaddeus Bradley (Morgan Freeman), an ex-magician who has a web-series explaining and spoiling other magician’s secrets, they don’t have enough to actually put them away.

Rhodes and his new partner from Interpol (Melanie Laurent) have to follow the four horsemen across America, as their tricks get more and more daring, and steal from more and more powerful sources. But are they doing these tricks alone, or is there a Fifth Horsemen secretly pulling the strings? Also featuring Michael Kelly as an FBI agent. I feel bad for not including him.

In a previous version of this review, I used famous character names instead of actor names for the plot description (like Mark Zuckerberg, or The Hulk) but Dave Franco kind of ruined that. No one really knows who he is.

Why are you so befuddled Ruffalo? Surprised I decided to leave Eisenberg out of the pictures?The more I think about the ending to Now You See Me, the more I get angry at inconsistencies. That is what I get for thinking about a movie afterwards I guess. But alas, my burden to carry as a reviewer.

In a movie like this, there will be red herrings, because they know you are trying to guess the ending the entire time. After all, clearly the fifth horseman will be someone in the movie, not some random stranger popping up at the end! But when the reveal happens it just doesn’t seem to make much since the harder you look at the film.

The movie spends a decent amount of time focusing on explaining the tricks, thanks to Freeman’s character, but at the same time, there are things done only toby the power of CGI that kind of take the mysticism out of it. We are left wondering if magic is actually real in this movie, or if it is all explainable like the normal real world. Honestly, by the end, I am still not sure.

At the same time, it still was a bit entertaining. I think Woody Harrelson was my favorite player in the movie, by far. Which is great, because I finally saw Rampart recently and didn’t have a good time doing it. As the mentalist, he was pretty funny. Ruffalo was okay as the main cop character, but definitely not the type of role he is used to. After all, aside from The Avengers and this film, every role he has had has basically been in an indie movie.

Now You See Me did a good job of playing with our mind, giving every possible misdirection in the book. But it in no way will stand up to the previous mentioned magic films in a year or two. However, it is still at least a little bit cool.

2 out of 4

A lot of work went into the PR for After Earth. The first trailer was pretty epic on its own right, but quickly got old the third time seeing it in theaters. But one thing you will notice is that outside of the trailers, the director information has been kept a bit secret. M. Night Shyamalan, famous director that people love to hate, has his name in small font on the posters. It is like they don’t even trust the director.

I think the film might be enjoyable as long as the main star doesn’t die in the first 20 minutes leaving only his son to do all the heavy lifting.

I was going to make an inference from this picture, but mmm, volcano. After Earth takes place in…the future! Surprising, I know. Mankind messed up Earth, forcing us to leave and Earth evolved without us. Unfortunately, the new place we moved to had deadly creatures as well. Creatures that were blind, but could smell fear and would go on a killing rampage against humans. Great new planet! Well, Cypher Raige (Will Smith) was the first soldier able to conquer his fear, making himself invisible to the creatures and helping us take back the planet!

Now he is a decorated soldier and lead commander of the armed forces. His son, Kitai (Jaden Smith), can’t even crack the ranger squad. In an attempt to bring them closer together, Cypher brings his son a simple transport mission which unfortunately runs into a freak teleporting asteroid storm, of some sort? The ship crashes down on a strange planet, killing everyone but our father son pair. Cypher has broken both of his legs, and the homing beacon is in the tail half of the plane, 100km across the planet.

Of course, it is Earth they have crash landed on. The wildlife there have evolved to take out human life! Even worse, the ship was transporting one of those blind “smell fear” creatures, who most certainly got loose on the planet and is looking for blood. Yay!

Oh hey, there he is, near the finale of the film. How convenient! Well, the good news is that Will Smith survived the crash. The bad news is, he didn’t really do anything in the film! His character gets to be a stoic commander, devoid of all emotion, which means he doesn’t have to do much in the way of acting. Just a lot of grimaces, and slowly talking to his son over an intercom.

Yes, After Earth is basically Will Smith trying to turn his son Jaden Smith into an action star. Which is fine, but people don’t like being duped into expecting an action movie with Will Smith as an action hero, and instead getting an “action movie” with Will Smith on the side. Speaking of action, I would define this movie’s genre of “Sci-Fi Drama Adventure”, as there wasn’t really much action. A lot of running away from Jaden’s character. So yeah, in addition to the ruse, we have a bit of a boring movie.

This isn’t even taking into account the recent theories that this movie is also a vehicle for Scientology. But I won’t get into that. I don’t care if movies are secretly religious, in fact, I liked Battlefield Earth. I thought it was hilarious.

After Earth turns out to be very predictable, giving nothing new to the genre. For those worried about the director, he really isn’t the problem with this movie, and there are secret twists to worry about. The problem is just the entire concept.

1 out of 4.

Why did I watch Blue Valentine?

Well for one, I need to see all the Ryan Gosling movies. I am teaching labs in the fall that will be 95% women and I need to be able to relate to them.

The second reason is the director, Derek Cianfrance, who also directed The Place Beyond The Pines this year, which I loved and also had Gosling in. So hell yeah, I trust this guy. Maybe too much.

Dude busted out a ukulele. Who isn’t swooning right now?

Basically, I think of this film as an experiment. If we make Ryan Gosling an alcoholic scumbag charmer, will women still love him?

I actually forgot I saw a trailer for this movie a few years ago, and it is a cute one. The first half of it is from the scene from the picture above, and it just makes you want to see the movie.

Blue Valentine is about Cindy (Michelle Williams) and Dan (Gosling). Originally Dan was just a mover, and he met Cindy while she was visiting her Grandmother at an old folks home. Sure, she had a boyfriend, but its Ryan Fucking Gosling. So they have sex, oh no pregnancy, time to get married.

Years later, Ryan Gosling looks like a strange Jason Lee as Earl. Their marriage is falling apart. No love, no communication, potentially loving other suitors. But they have a daughter. Can either of them change to have a successful relationship?

Oooh, there’s the blue.

In 2001, Michelle Williams became attached to the script, and in 2003, Ryan Gosling. That is right after The Notebook Ryan Gosling. Why did it take six years? Well, originally the director wanted to film the young and old scenes several actual years apart, very cool idea. But that didn’t happen, they were just poor and needed a long time to get funding.

The movie itself is all sorts of depressing. Usually that means someone dies, and hey, no one dies at the end. It is just too realistic of a failing marriage where neither side can save it, and it is sad. I didn’t cry or anything, I just felt bad.

So if you like feeling bad, guess what, you might love this movie!

I thought this movie was incredibly well acted, but not complete soul crushing/depressing enough for my normal perfect score. I was a bit confused as the movie isn’t told in order, there are the two plot lines of when they first meet and get together, to many years later when they have a child. I thought it was somewhat hard to follow early on, but halfway through everything was a lot clearer.

I bet this film didn’t get as much attention, because people don’t like the Gosling who drinks too much, they like the one who says Hey Girl.

3 out of 4.

Whew, this might be one of the longer reviews I have put off writing. After I saw Pawn, I meant to write it later that night. Then I probably wandered off and fell into a movie coma.

Then I kept watching more and more movies, so although Pawn was on my list to write I kept just picking different movies to write about instead.

Well, eventually laziness catches up to all of us. Not to mention making sure I write it before I forget basically everything.

Hover over this image. What do you see? You see that I am really fucking clever.

Basically, Pawn tries to turn a simple robbery into a complicated game of cat and mouse. Like Derrick (Michael Chiklis) is British. That on its own is pretty complicated. He has a group of thugs, and for whatever reason they are slowly robbing a night time diner. They came in early, but the safe is time sensitive so it will only open at a certain time every night. Shit. Looks like they just have to play it cool.

Hard to do that when customers are frightened, and random cops (Forest Whitaker) come strolling in. There is also Nick (Sean Faris), who is on parole, and looking to get his life back on track for his wife (Nikki Reed) and kid. Last thing he wants to do is get mixed up in any wrong doing. We also have Charlie (Stephen Lang), the owner who is getting far too old for this shit.

And who can forget fucking Ray Liotta? Ray Liotta is some sort of evil guy, but just who he is working for is the bigger question.

Basically, everyone is an asshole, and everyone might have secret motives for either being there that night, or what they are out to get. There are some things far more important than money.

Like good old fashioned bromance.

Well, in movie terms, this one has plenty of twists and turns, but not enough to make you annoyed. Again, everyone seems to be playing a game, except for our hero Nick (good name), who is unfortunately caught up in this. Doesn’t help that his brother works in Internal Affairs. Lot of cops hate those guys. Lot of crooked cops in this town too.

I actually enjoyed parts of this movie for what it was, but overall it is just an average movie. Chiklis had a pretty bad British accent. The ending is hard to remember, mostly because it seemed really silly. Similarly, not all of the plot twists made complete sense.

I do think this film could have used more chess references though.

2 out of 4.

I am proud to say that I actually saw Despicable Me in theaters. Yes, now I see everything in theaters, but in 2010, it was rare as shit. But I was like hey, those yellow things look cute. Let’s watch the movie!

I figured I should probably write a review on it now, with the sequel coming out later this summer. Did you know know about Despicable Me 2? I find that impossible. Their ads have been everywhere since January at least. Open your eyes people.

Yeah, your eyes like you were on a roller coaster.

Gru (Steve Carell) is an evil genius mastermind! Trust me, he is wicked evil. The best at being a villain of all time. How do you know? Because he says so, and he has minions! Little tiny yellow minions, that are awesome. They speak inaudibly and they are the main selling point of this movie, really.

Either way, he isn’t so cool anymore. Some young upshot villain named Vector (Jason Segel) (because he has magnitude AND direction) has stolen the great pyramids. Yeah, what a dick. Now Gru feels inadequate and has to one up them by stealing the moon. Jeez. But he can’t get a loan from the Bank Of Evil / Mr. Perkins (Will Arnett) without a shrink ray in development, so he steals one! Success! Vector steals it from him though. Damn.

So Gru gets the idea to adopt three little girls, make them go to Vector’s house to sell cookies, so he can sneak in and grab the gun back. Then he can dump the kids off later. But they are rambunctious individuals. Ballet. School. Amusement parks. They are hard to take care of, especially when he isn’t cut out to be a parent. But then he learns…to love. Russell Brand plays Dr. Nefario, the scientist that works for Gru.

Aw shit yeah, I forgot I can have gifs on here. Look at how cute those fuckfaces are.

Did I mention I love the yellow minions? Yeah. Most people do. But that is about all I liked from the movie. The plot was a bit forced for me, and not at all exciting. Obviously it was all about him and the little girls, and obviously the girls were there to mostly be a thorn in his side, but actually learning to care for them in like, a day? How the heck did that work?

I just. I just can’t explain it. I re-watched it and was bored the entire time. Maybe the kids were all too young and that bugged me? Why can’t one of them have been more teenager-y? The oldest is close. But not too close. This was the first feature of Illumination Entertainment, who later gave us the bad Hop and the disappointing Lorax. I in general prefer these awesome sexy CGI animated movies to give us more realistic people, instead of the overextended ones (like Dreamworks tends to do).

Yeah. I know. I think people like this movie just for the minions and I am an old curmudgeon.

1 out of 4.

When doing my “What random shit should I review in between new releases?” run, I walked by Rampart and knew I had to watch it immediately. There is only one reason I know about this movie, and that is because of its horrible PR campaign to promote it.

Basically, on Reddit, Woody Harrelson did an ask me anything before this movie came out. Yes to promote it, but he apparently forgot it was an ask me anything. He only wanted to answer questions about the movie, ignored basically everything else, answer only a dozen or so questions, and most of them badly. One response he said “…i consider my time valuable.” So, the internet was scorned, lots of boycotts against seeing the film, and now no one really knows anything about it.

Don’t fuck with the internet?

Basically, that hobo is the internet, and Woody Harrelson is Woody Harrelson. This is based on the Rampart Scandal. What is that? Exactly. In the 1990s, the Rampart Scandal involved evidence of the LAPD having huge amounts of corruption and misconduct. Over 70 officers were found guilty of being dicks and abusing their power. Pretty serious deal.

Like Dave Brown (Harrelson). He hates everyone equally, so he feels like its okay for him to be a bigoted, racist, sexist, scumbag who beats his perps. I mean, he murdered a serial date rapist. That makes him a good guy right?

Well, he lives with his two ex wives (Anne Heche, Cynthia Nixon). Both of them are sisters, both had a kid with him. Yep, very scumbag.

But a video surfaces of Dave beating up a person who got into a car accident with him. He says it was assault with a deadly weapon, the people think otherwise. This leads to a bigger investigation, and more potential bad stuff Dave has done. They want a forced retirement, he wants to fight it. Silly Dave.

Also featuring Ice Cube, Sigourney Weaver, and Ben Foster.

Do you hear that? That silence? Yeah, those are the fans.Good thing the internet chose to boycott this movie. After all, if they didn’t, we’d have all went and seen it, giving them money, then hating it afterwards. Better to hate it before hand, because an actor doesn’t know how to internet, I guess.

Woody actually did a lot for this role apparently (according to the AMA). Lost weight, had to get in a new psyche of a complete asshole. But I would say most of his recent roles have been assholes to some degree anyways. I can’t imagine it was that hard.

Basically, the movie is just kind of boring. Drama with some action elements. I like dramas! I understand their pacing. This one was not done well is all.

Unfortunately, it will be remembered for all of eternity, as that one movie that pissed people off, not by the content of its character, but by the way it advertised its colors.

1 out of 4.