Month: May 2013

You know who we need more in our lives? Hugh Laurie. That is who you were going to say, right? After all, House M.D. ended a year ago, and he hasn’t been in many movies recently, outside of voice work. It is almost not fair!

Which is why when I heard about The Oranges I jumped immediately to the nearest rental place to give a go. I also immediately recognize people from Arrested Development, Gossip Girl, The O.C., The West Wing, and The Big C. That is a lot of show people in this movie!

Why so gloomy Alia? You upset that you don’t get cover treatment despite being the narrator? I understand those feels.

In New Jersey, we have two families, The Ostroffs and The Wallings (on Orange Drive!). They have lived across the street for some time, and their families are best of friends. David (Laurie) and Paige Walling (Catherine Keener), with their children Vanessa (Alia Shawket) and Toby (Adam Brody). Toby is successful and moved out, Vanessa is not yet successful and still living at home. She is also the narrator! At least she has that going for her.

Across the street are Carol (Allison Janney) and Terry Ostroff (Oliver Platt), the latter kind of obsessed with his best friend David. They have one daughter, Nina (Leighton Meester), who hasn’t been home in five years, off at college and partying everywhere. But one Thanksgiving, she returns, after having recently broken up with her long term boyfriend.

Well, instead of hooking up with Toby, like her mom strives hard for, she falls into someone else’s lab. David Walling! (Again, Hugh Laurie, the neighbor dad). Heyyy, that’s weird.

Shit quickly hits the fan clearly, once everyone finds out what is happening. Marriages get ruined, people hate each other, and Vanessa just feels incredibly awkward.

Yeah, so basically this is good clean inter-family fun.

I like that the relationship wasn’t some overly sexualized thing Sure, big age difference, known each other for over 20 years, many other issues, but it felt like they actually might have cared for each other.

Buuuuut outside of that, I thought the movie missed the mark completely. Even though the two characters just want to be happy, the movie goes about it in such a strange way, I don’t find myself caring about any of the characters. I also thought the ending was pretty bad, not a fan of really any of the conclusions.

It just isn’t that funny. Hard to say anything else about it. Hugh Laurie was okay. However, the movie is skippable.

2 out of 4.

Oh wow, with The Gatekeepers, I believe it is the first documentary that I have seen in the theaters.

The first one not based on a musical act, that is.

Either way, local theater probably got it by accident, and despite never hearing about it, I decided to give it a spin. Not to mention it was nominated for an academy award! (It lost to Searching For Sugar Man).

Long story short, Shin Bet is the main intelligence agency for Israel since the Six-Day War. Basically it was a surprise attack by Israel, thus a quick war, which expanded its borders to include the West Bank and Gaza strip. After that, the territory they had just gained was full of Palestinians, so they had to make sure they didn’t try to revolt or cause trouble. This lead to occupation, and the Shin Bet being an important tool to protect Israel from terrorism.

The Gatekeepers is a documentary interviewing the last six heads of Shin Bet, to talk about the last four decades, prod them into telling secrets or what have you. You know, since they are now all out of the organization for various reasons. Yay secrets! Yay terrorists talk!

Yep, an actual picture from the documentary about people talking. Looks entertaining as fuck, right?

Well, the information gained from these men was neat. Seeing them talk about torture, sketch propositions, morality, and regrets in their life. Very very interesting.

But it could have been laid out WAY better and more coherently.

I didn’t know this documentary would be all subtitles, but that makes sense and is fine. However, the subtitle work was shit. Over 10 occasions I couldn’t read the subtitles clearly or at all, which is kind of really fucking annoying. The least they could do is make it not a challenge to figure out what is being said. After all, documentaries tend to be about gaining and sharing information. If you fail at the most basic levels, then what the hell.

I think it also could have been ordered a lot better. When each man first is shown in the movie, they show up a quick graphic telling me their name, and when they were head of the Shin Bet, but never again. Although it is pieced together chronologically, it isn’t just an interview with one and then the next and so on. No, they all talk about all six events. After all, they all were in Shin Bet doing things before being the head, and afterwards they still paid attention to the events. It is great getting multiple perspectives on events, but you know what would have been even better? Knowing which man was in charge at which point in time the entire movie, not just the few seconds they showed it to me.

Despite going chronologically, I never knew when in time every event they talked about occurred, so even if I can somehow remember who was head and when, I still wouldn’t know who was in charge. These are simple problems to fix that would amplify getting the information out there better. Heck, even a permanent placard in the top right hand corner just having their name/years on it permanently would be preferable.

Finally, the strange CGI graphics implemented in the movie, to show multiple TVs in a control (Or Intelligence like) room to transition between scenes just felt tacky.

Although I think the information is interesting, despite knowing practically nothing myself, I think they put together a piece of shit documentary on most of the technical angles to feature it.

1 out of 4.

“Hey, website guy, why do you keep watching bad movies, then getting upset that the movies are bad?”

Well, reader. Just because a movie is direct to video, not advertised, or unheard of doesn’t mean it is automatically bad. I have found many great films that were blind watches, so that is part of the thrill. Sure, more may have been shit, but when the good ones show up, it is a great feeling. It is a feeling that lets me tell the world that they need to see a movie, so that they too can have some joy in their lives.

But this time, The Courier happens to fall in line with the majority, and isn’t a good outlier.

Generic photo, void of any action.

So in this movie we have a courier (Jeffrey Dean Morgan). We know he is a courier, because his name is The Courier. It is important to establish himself as a courier, and not a transporter, because making a movie about a transporter would be silly. Either way, some guy (Til Schweiger) makes it so he has to deliver a package to another man. He just wont let him know where to find the man, because that would be too easy. So instead, he is getting a lot of money to use his skills to find the man and deliver the package. If he doesn’t, he will die.

Oh, well, I guess he better get to it then.

Some people die, some torture, some plot twist, then some action stuff. Mickey Rourke. Lili Taylor. Miguel Ferrer. Mark Margolis. Yawn.

Generic stand off, still void of any action.

So here is a problem I am facing. Jeffrey Dean Morgan. He is a charismatic guy, I guess. He could be a nice action star. I liked him in a few movies. But now he has been the lead in two movies I have rated 0 out of 4 (The other being The Possession). I don’t do that too often, just as rare as a 4 out of 4. I am proud of my bell curve of ratings! So two films I have just hated that I watched it and would never recommend to anyone in my life ever.

What the hell, Jeff?

This movie was so bad, they didn’t even advertise it correctly, and not for the reason you think. You probably have never heard of the movie, that is fine. It is a direct to video, no theater, action movie. Whatever. But it did have some movie posters regardless. Like this one here. Go on, look. Kind of cool, sure. BUT THEY SPELLED MICKEY ROURKE’S NAME WRONG. On their own dang official poster.

Hah. Just hah.

Get the fuck out of here, The Courier.

0 out of 4.

So, I really didn’t want to write this review for Confucius, and it probably will show!

Accidentally, for my website, I guess I also reviewed three foreign movies in a row. One Japanese, One French, and now Chinese. This was entirely unintentional. When the fuck did I become so culturally diverse with my movies? Seriously, I feel like a European.

I picked up this one because I could see it in Blu-Ray and hell, I knew who Confucius was. Maybe I could learn a lot from it? Tai Chi Zero from earlier in the week was a preview watch and something I had to see, unfortunately on DVD. The Intouchables was recommended by a European and an Australian.

I feel the need to explain myself in great detail. I promise, no more foreign films for the rest of this month!

But seriously, I just want to see a movie about people thinking of good advice. Hard.

So this movie is about Confucius. The man, the myth, the legend.

It takes place a long time ago, and I don’t know how much of it is true.

It must be true! They wouldn’t just ramp up the accolades of an ancient philospher/leader, right? Right.

Well. Confucius did a lot, and was wise, and had some trials. But he passed them, with a can do attitude and elbow grease. I believe that is a Confucius saying. He lead wars, made laws, became a wandering scholar, and saved lives. But he was also played by Yun-Fat Chow. What!? Yeah. That guy who is in all those movies. He had a serious role as one of the most popular Chinese historical figures of all time (After Mulan of course), and isn’t well known for being serious I wouldn’t say.

But hey, its a movie about Confucius for China to love, not me to judge (too bad, its the job).

YES! EVEN MORE LARGE HEAD THINKING SHOTS!

Here is something funny about the release of this movie. It came out in 2010, a few weeks after Avatar. You know the one, the record breaking movie. Well, China wanted everyone in China to like Confucius, not a western movie like Avatar. So Avatar would be pulled from over 1500 2D Screens in China for this film, and that made people mad. Too bad no one cared, because everyone saw Avatar in 3D anyways. After a week or so, Confucius still wasn’t being watched, and they returned the 2D Avatar to a bunch of screens. James Cameron fucked over the Chinese nationals pretty hard.

The reason it bombed probably isn’t because Avatar was awesome, but mostly because it was boring as shit. Confucius is such a big important cool dude, and watching his movie made me feel incredibly bored. Hell, I watched it while laying down shirtless probably eating Pringles, and seeing his great life didn’t even make me feel bad about my own. I just didn’t care. It was nice visually, but didn’t entertain me on any noticeable levels. Huh, I guess I accidentally made another Avatar comparison.

1 out of 4.

Foreign movie! This time, by the French. There was a lot of potential Oscar buzz around The Intouchables, at least for Best Foreign Film this last year, and it was France’s official selection to the competition. But it didn’t crack the top 5 and got jack shit. That’s not a good sign, but maybe it got 6th place? Are their trophies for sixth place?

Eternal Friendship. That is your sixth place trophy.

Philippe (Francois Cluzet) is a rich motherfucker. Why? Don’t worry about that. But he is loaded and now super into artwork. Unfortunately for him, he is also paralyzed from the neck down. He might have some finger use, not sure, but outside of talking and waggling his eyebrows, he is stuck, yo!

Because of that, he needs attendants 24/7, but not your normal attendant. They just treat him like a piece of shit, don’t let him do anything fun, and well, acknowledge his disabilities. But along comes Driss (Omar Sy), who doesn’t try to get the job. He just needs to get rejected to get his wellfare on, living with his family, no succeeding.

Unfortunately for him, Philippe likes his spunk and that he is different. Whether that is because has no training, talks mostly about music, or just entirely skin color, unsure of. But Philippe gives him a shot.

Of course, as expected, both men influence the others lives in positive ways, where they both learn to love, live, and take chances. Make mistakes. Get messy. That’s right, they go full Ms. Frizzle.

But more R, less G.

Alright, so describing the movie outloud (err, as I typed it I guess), I realized this movie sounded cliche as fuck. But it isn’t. Because its french! And uhh…french!

Shit. Regardless of potential clicheness, I still enjoyed it a lot. Not top of the world, but still quite a lot. They had great chemistry together, based on a true story, and Audrey Fleurot was pretty hot.

I laughed, and teared up a bit, and the film offers a nice message without getting weirdly preachy. Basically, it is YOLO in a nutshell, even if you can’t move your legs.

3 out of 4.

I don’t remember /why/ I know about Tai Chi Zero, but damn was I interested. It said steampunk and martial arts! Why not! Seems cool! I like some of those things.

Especially since currently, martial art movies seem to have left realism behind to focus on better things. More exciting things. Like unrealism. Yes. The best type of fights are unreal, we all know that. I assume that every fight type has already happened, so we have to start bending physics to make it interesting again.

This has nothing to do with this movie.

But I am glad that it features Thwaps!

So this takes place sometime in the past in China, like normal. Our main character is a freak. Really. That is his nickname The Freak (Yuan Xiaochao). That is because when he was born he had a tiny mini-horn on his head. He grew up wanting to learn how to fight, but no one took him seriously. That is until he beat up a bunch of kids his age after they hit him in his horn. Once he gets hit in the horn, he goes all demonic on people, gaining skill and destroying everyone.

Well, long story short, his town gets destroyed when he is older and his former master tells him to go learn the Chen Kung Fu, in a town on a mountain outside of civilization. But when he finally gets there, no one will teach him because he is an outsider! Some old laborer (Tony Leung Ka Fai) tries to help him learn it anyway, through repitition. Yay fake Kung Fu Styles!

But the plot comes when a former townsfolk guy Fang Zi Jing (Eddie Peng) has returned from college! He wants to bring the railroad to their town and increase profits. The town doesn’t like electricity, they shun him, he gets mad, and vows vengeance. We also have Mandy Lieu as his white-ish girlfriend, and Angelababy as the future love interest of the Freak, who knows the Kung Fu Style!

But first, he has to fight this little girl. True story.

That is about it plot wise! This stranger might be able to help save their town from the evil western capitalist machine ways! So the story might be super anti-America without explicitly saying it, but I am still fine with it as long as the fights are cool.

And they are cool! But they are also amusing. Easiest way to describe amusing fight to me is a Jackie Chan fight, but they take amusing fight in a new way. Through specia effects! Like some video game shit. Stage 1, Stage 2 stuff. It helps invigorate the experience!. Tons of tiny additional features to add that add to the fights, and well, they are hard to explain, and I find it funny.

What I found annoying? He went Freak mode in the first scene in the movie, before the plot, and never did the rest of the movie. Huh. Why? This might be a planned trilogy, because it doesn’t end with the plot resolved, and the sequel, Tai Chi Hero, comes out to America in June. Also, I should note, that this movie is far from steampunk in any way or form. Even stranger, this movie has Tai Chi in the title, but of course, he has to go learn Kung Fu. Who am I to question that shit. Maybe they are all the same?

3 out of 4.

This is not a Tyler Perry Movie!

It is Tyler Perry Presents. That means he didn’t do anything but provide funding or distribution. Just like how The Man With The Iron Fists was “Quentin Tarantino Presents…” and not his own movie.

I think I called it a Tyler Perry movie in my review of Temptation, but that was my bad. His name is still associated with it though. So my rant there still holds!

Before I make a fool out of myself further, lets look at Peeples, aka, the black Meet The Parents.

Two me, two things pop out making this clearly not Meet The Parents. Meeting parents can be tough. Especially if you are Wade Walker (Craig Robinson) and you make your living by singing to small groups of children. He has been in a relationship with Grace (Kerry Washington) for over a year now, and wants to propose, but he hasn’t even met her family. Not for lack of trying, she just won’t let him.

But when she goes home for a weekend, he decides to crash the party thanks to the advice of his brother (Malcolm Barrett), to meet the family and propose on the spot. It couldn’t go wrong!

Even if her dad was federal court judge (David Alan Grier) and her mom a famous diva (S. Epatha Merkerson).

Obviously, her dad doesn’t approve of him, so he will have to spend the entire weekend working on gaining their approval, while also finding out that her family has many secrets of their own. Also featuring Tyler James Williams (From Go On) as her younger brother, Kali Hawk as her sister, and Kimrie Lewis-Davis as her sister’s “Friend”.

This is the general reaction to black people over lesbians, I hear. Wouldn’t you know it, this movie wasn’t a complete piece of shit. Hooray!

In fact, performances by most of the cast were excellent. David Alan Grier hasn’t been in a leading role like this in awhile, and not only has he aged well, but he also hasn’t lost his touch. S. Epatha Merkerson gave a great impression as someone always on pharmaceuticals. Kerry Washington is normally very serious, but was great in a role having to go back and forth between childish and”normal.”

Craig Robinson, on the other hand, was exactly like he normally is. Which is fine! Just saying, don’t expect a spectacularly acted performance by Craig, but his normal funny self.

For those wondering, the title Peeples comes from the families last name, “The Peeples”, so you will get to hear that word over and over again.

Although it is predictable, I would say Peeples has a lot of heart in it, and some genuine moments. There are at least three song and dance scenes as well, including a very cute number to end the movie with.

2 out of 4.

Oh, it must be summer now. That is the only way to explain that my local theaters are finally getting some limited release films over the last few months. All the college students have gone home, so they have to cater to old people now. Which is why I got to see Stand Up Guys, a few weeks before its DVD release, a few months after it came out. Heck, I get to see Mud for next week too. Color me ecstatic. (But where are you Stoker?!).

Speaking of “Stoking,” this image has been edited from the movie version. Want to guess where?

Life sucks for retired gangsters. After all, it is hard to retire as one. You have to first not die. You also have to be released out of your gang. Even when you are, you might be later charged for crimes if you slip up, and people still might want you dead. Jeez. No on thinks of the consequences!

For Val (Al Pacino), he just spent 27 or so years in Jail, taking the blame for a crime that went bad, keeping his accomplishes secret. Yeah, what a stand up guy. Unfortunately, in that accident, he accidentally shot and killed the only son of their boss, Claphands (Mark Margolis). So Claphands is mad, but he is a vengeful fucker. He has made Val serve his entire sentence looking over his back, with plans to have him assassinated within a day of him getting back.

Claphands is so vengeful, he is making his best friend, Doc (Christopher Walken) take him out. The only assignment over the last 30 years, to kill his friend within his first release. Sucks. But Doc is going to make sure his last night with Val is a special one before he commits the deed. You know, or else they will go after his other loved ones!

Alan Arkin plays the third member of their gang, reduced to nursing home life. Lucy Punch plays a Madam, Addison Timlin a waitress, and Julianna Margulies a rape victim.

Now guess which of those woman was found in the trunk!

Meh. The first 20 minutes of the film, I was feeling pretty dead inside. It was moving slow, and it looked like it was going no where. Neither Al nor Christopher seemed to really be in to it. I mean, they are old, and they have played gangster before, so they should be old hats at this. But neither felt comfortable, and that felt true the whole movie.

It did get a bit better, there were some fun moments, but it is surprising how much of the movie ended up just being dick jokes. A lot of the gags / adventures for them felt a bit forced too. They threw away any sort of realism for a couple quick jokes or moments that weren’t really funny. Not to mention the end is a total cop out, and kind of bullshit.

I will tell you, what got me the most was the lack of respect for continuity in a movie, or at least no sense of time management. They eat at the same restaurant in a span of six hours three times. Each time with full meals for Al Pacino! They find a nice car a block away from the restaurant. Later, at the same restaurant, they have to go back to where they found the car, and talk about street names and then have a long drive over to it. Come on, don’t lie to me like that movie makers.

Shit like that bugs me.

But one scene made me tear up. I am such a softie.

1 out of 4.

If you frequent the internet, you will most likely hear about how rustled certain peoples jimmies are now that The Great Gatsby (Trailer) has been made into a movie. Again. For whatever reason, there is popular opinion that movies shouldn’t be made from popular novels, despite that is how its always been done.

People are also afraid of Baz Luhrmann. Okay, that is more understandable. Baz is a weird guy. Sometimes his films are too long. Sometimes they are just weird. But they can also be extraordinary.

So I will give it a shot. I know the imagery will be in your face, the music pumping, and probably a guy on a typewriter. The trailer features 2.5 minutes of in your face imagery and music, just to prepare you for this trip.

Ohh,, I forgot the fireworks. Fuck!Despite guessing that everyone had to read “The Great Gatsby” in high school, here is the plot in a nut shell.

Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) has moved to New York to be a stock broker, since his writing career has failed. He has a small shack next to many large mansions, and is neighbors with Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio), but he is a recluse who know one really knows. Gatsby is a man of many secrets, but one of his biggest is his crush on Daisy Buchanan (Carey Mulligan), Nick’s cousin, and married to Tom (Joel Edgerton).

Aww snap. Tom is also unfaithful though, cheating on his wife with the wife (Isla Fisher) of a gas station attendant (Jason Clarke).

Basically, everyone in New York is an asshole and a liar. Except for Gatsby of course! Sure, his secrets involve him working with a man who fixed the 1919 World Series (Amitabh Bachchan), but at least he doesn’t hide who he is. Much. Alright, he is a liar too. Also featuring Elizabeth Debicki as Jordan Baker, a friend of the Buchanans and Gatsby, and might be the only other sane person after Nick.

Because who wears that much clothing in a club? Need to take stuff on, not add more layers. Just as expected, this movie was pretty crazy, in more ways than one! There are some minor changes from the book, to set up the story, but of course that isn’t really important.

Early in the movie, I was getting kind of sick of it all though. I was overwhelmed by too much, too soon, just like the beginning of Moulin Rouge!. But eventually in the story, the parties die down, and all of the problems with the characters come to the forefront hard and fast, and to me it is when this movie gets exceptional. From the first time Gatsby and Daisy meet in the present, to the discovery of all the lies, to the final conflict, The Great Gatsby provides a whirlwind of emotion. Well acted emotion at that.

I think everyone was on their A-game during the filming and despite already knowing the story, it seemed like I was being told the story from the first time.

So while not perfect, I definitely loved the second half. Everything seemed so genuine and real, despite the CGI heavy backgrounds. If there is one thing I could have less of, it would be the green light. Definitely over used in my eyes, but I could just be jealous of the green light. That and the phrase “old sport” which I hope to never hear again.

Although I know for certain this movie won’t be DiCaprio’s Oscar winner, he still was a fantastic Gatsby and brought the character great justice.

3 out of 4.

Kids. Listen to me now.

Judging a movie by its cover is bad, we all know that. That is why I have to watch these movies and make sure they are bad, not just assume.

Well, the cover needs to be decent as well to get people interested in it, to give them a chance. The Day‘s cover isn’t too spectacular, but I at least knew some people in it. So why not give it a shot?

Fuck. Let’s do that thing where I show giant pictures to cover up the bad.

Hey. You played an evil chick in that one movie. I wonder if you are evil here too. You do look scurry.

Alright, so this story takes place in a post apocalyptic society. Something happened, people are dead, everything is scarce, and THIS MOVIE IS A LIE. IT IS ALL A LIE.

Google “The Day” and “Film” or something, check out the images. All nice color stuff, like the one above. Even the cover. But fuck you, that is not what the movie looks like in the slightest.

Oh you look quite a bit more sick there, little girl.

Yeah, that’s right. Fucking black and white-ish. Surprise! Didn’t expect that. You know, because it is basically lies in the form of advertising. I will judge it harshly. No, I didn’t think it was color before hand, but the black and white is ugly, and seems to be a last minute addition clearly.

Either way. Not many survivors. So we have a group of people who may or may not know each other. There used to be more, but they died. Now we just have five left. Rick (Dominic Monaghan), Henson (Cory Hardrict), Adam (Shawn Ashmore), Shannon (Shannyn Sossamon), and Mary (Ashley Bell).

Well, they happen upon a small house in the middle of no where, so they investigate. Oh, it has food. Too bad it also is super alarmed. Jokes on them, local cannibal tribes in the area have set up a trap! Now they have to fend off against 20 or more people. Uh oh.

So people die. Some faster than others. Some of them may be big names. If any of them survive by the end, does it really matter? The world is very bleak, after all.

Basically, the movie was shit, and it didn’t even decide to dress up like anything else. It wasn’t that long, but it took forever for the alarm to even go off. I bet this could have worked as a short film, 25 minutes max. It would have been entertaining and got the same point across.

But this movie is just filler. Extreme filler, and violence subdued thanks to the choice of filter. This is why I can’t have nice things. Hell, even the cannibals had no personality. I think I have only seen cannibals in about three movies now. One the most famous cannibal ever. This. And of course, a little musical.

All the personality one could ever imagine.

0 out of 4