Month: December 2011

I think everyone knows about Apollo 18 by now. A “Shaky cam” and “security cam” based movie. Of what? Of the Apollo 18 mission that was “canceled”, due to budget reasons.

Or was it?

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

So of course in this movie, it wasn’t canceled, just kept secret. Why? Because shit goes down that they want to keep secret. And no, they don’t find any old transformers.

One guy has to stay up in orbit (Ryan Robbins) and the other two are on the moon (Warren Christie and Lloyd Owen).

They just have to collect some rocks? But then things go missing, they get scared, and paranoid, and it is all captured as they try to escape and fail. Yay.

I thought the beginning was super super slow. Really, I didn’t think it got interesting until the very end, then of course it ended. Making it very disappointing. The geologist in me is also displeased though.

Also, this guy.

This is supposed to have been edited down from 86~ hours of footage, over many many devices, and posted onto a fake website. (The website didn’t work for me. That is dumb…) And then made into this movie so everyone could get the truth.

Well if that was the case too, it would have worked better as a 10 minute thing, and not intentionally using the bad camera angles available. Don’t give me this “so the public can know!” message, and then try to make a (non scary) horror movie as the message conveyance. Would have rather had that explanation not as part of it.

Final Destination 5? The Final Final Destination? (No, not really. Apparently if this did well, there’d be two filmed at the same time? Not sure if that has been decided yet.) As far as I know though, it doesn’t really matter. You can always make a new movie about a group of people who escape death, and end up dying in gruesome ways. Pretty much writes itself!

Don’t look too shocked. Your role could have been done by anyone!

What is the big event this time? A bridge collapse. The main group of people all work for or are related to people at some company going on an outing. A nice bus and all. The main character is Nicholas D’Agosto. He has a vision of most everyone die, except for his girlfriend Emma Bell, who he manages to save. Needless to say, after he sees all this, he freaks out and saves some people from the bus (the others are like, what?). This includes his good friend, Miles Fisher, his lady friend, Ellen Wroe, and the guy at the office no one likes, P.J. Byrne. We also have hot office mate, Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, new guy who runs the factory despite age, Arlen Escarpeta, and everyone’s boss, David Koechner! Eight in all.

Eight? That’s a pretty good number of people who are going to probably die then. There is also the detective assigned to the case, Courtney B. Vance, who I only remember from being in that one season of FlashForward.

As you all know, I am not a usual horror watcher. But nothing else is really coming out this week, so I said screw it. The only other FD I have seen was the second one, and parts of the third. General knowledge of the first. I was told that this one relates to the others, and it is good to see them. But I don’t want to see them!

So I did the next best thing, read the plot outlines on Wikipedia! Do not do this. The plot outlines, in an attempt to relate all the movies, kind of spoil the ending of this movie. I didn’t know I had it spoiled, until the ending happened. And went “Oh! That was the twist! Well shit.”

For shame Wiki. For shame.

Who dies while getting a massage? Seriously?

So, I was sufficiently scared during this movie, I think. I definitely found everything to be pretty gruesome, which makes me mad that I watched this during lunch time. Filmmakers did a good job of throwing a lot of red herrings at our faces, trying to figure out just how they would die. Usually you’d be wrong.

That gymnastics scene in particular was the biggest tease. I also disliked that during the credits, they showed footage of the other movie deaths all back to back and crazy, probably just to give the 3D viewers and extra whoa! I didn’t need it all at once though, myself.

I think fans of the series would enjoy this one. The acting wasn’t the best, but I cared enough about some of the characters to make me hope they’d survive. Damn death.

The Pool Boys is a low budget attempt to provide, well, nothing. First look makes it seem like it wants to be a National Lampoon movie, selling sex and comedy. Maybe some stoner jokes too! But this fails at the comedy and sex part as well. Relying on the situation they are in to sell everything, I guess.

Shenanigans!

The movie is about Brett Davern, as he is abotu to graduate from High School. He is going to Harvard, and got a pretty neat scholarship. Just requires a summer internship and interview before he fully gets it. Too bad his internship in DC turns out to be a bust, company is going under.

But no worries! His brother, Matthew Lillard, is an aquatic specialist of some sort. Yes, it is a lie, he is just a pool boy in Beverly Hills. The apartment they are staying at is getting fumigated for about a week or more, leaving them homeless. A client is out of the country for six weeks though, so boom, House.

They also bring Rachelle Lefevre, a neighbor, who turns out to be a prostitute. Whoops. Eventually a money scheme is grabbed out, to rent out the mansion to a lot of prostitutes, to get Harvard tuition should the scholarship fail.

Eventually things go wrong, but eventually are fixed. Yay happy endings. Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite plays a neighbor gardener, and Tom Arnold plays himself. Just crazier.

Arnold is the only funny part of the movie really, and that is barely. Jokes don’t work, and it barely has nudity in to, which seems to be a bigger selling point of these kind of movies.

Hah. I can’t think of really anything else to say about this.

Thanks to Wall-E, people realized that all “kids movies” didn’t have to be dumbed down or feature only “lesser” humor. But guess what? Those movies are the easiest to make. Not in terms of work on CGI and what not, that can take forever, yes. But in terms of an interesting plot or comedy? Don’t even have to try. Afterall kids, are easy to amuse and if anyone grades you too harsh you can say “Hay! This isn’t meant for you adult! Get away!” and be done with it.

And then sell more toys. Or lawn Gnomes.

Or whatever lawn ornaments people don’t seem to care about anymore!

The Gnomeo and Juliet plot I shouldn’t have to go over, but here it is quickly. Instead of neighboring families, it is just two neighbors. Who live in a duplex like thing, but they dislike each other. Yes, their last names are the expected ones, and one really likes red, one really likes blue. They also both have a shit ton of color appropriate gnomes and etc on their lawn. I assume that their dislike makes them have a competition with each other over who can have the most ridiculous shit.

Gnomeo (James McAvoy) and Juliet (Emily Blunt) eventually find each other, in a neighboring abandoned property. Also there is a flamingo (Jim Cummings) there. BUT WHY MUST THEIR HATS BE DIFFERENT COLORS. We also have Michael Caine as head of the Reds, and Jason Statham as Tybalt. Patrick Stewart voices William Shakespeare. Because of course he is in this movie.

Also, hopefully you like Elton John, because he is an executive producer, which means that the only music in this movie is his. The orchestra versions of Crocodile Rock and Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting threw me off at first. But it was worse when it was his same songs, but with lyrics changed for the movie.

There are a few other subtle hints at his involvement.

Obviously the story is nothing new, and ends differently for the kids. Here is where I overthink things. In this vague world, inanimate objects can talk. Even a statue thats hundreds of years old. But so can the toys, like that doll. But why not the chair? Or laptop? They are also inanimate objects, and probably even more advanced than just…pottery pot like lawn gnomes. Where is the line drawn, filmmakers? Exactly. There is no line.

But yeah. You expected this rating anyways.

Hey look, another movie about Trust. This time it is less subtle though.

“See, even I waited until Rapunzel was 18 before tappin’ that. This I cannot condone.” – Flynn

Story is like any other. Liana Liberato has a birthday for turning 14! She already likes to text, but he got her a new MacBook. And really, that’s where the problems start. Damn you Mac! She starts talking to some boy Charlie, who is a couple years older, and also into Volleyball. Gives her tips to train and make the team. Yay. She also likes him kind of now. Especially since he returned pictures. Too bad his phones camera doesn’t work for iChats or whatever. Also it turns out her is a sophomore in College. Also he lied about that. Now he is a grad student. Okay that is a lie too.

Through months of chatting though, she doesn’t care that much, but when she meets him at the mall and he is in his 30s or 40s. Well. That is kind of weird. Reluctantly, she goes with him, gets food, etc. And then, YOU KNOW what happens.

Needless to say, when her parents Catherine Keener and Clive Owen find out, they flip out. In completely different ways. The important to the movie scene happens a little less than halfway through it too. Not the conclusion. It happens quick. Instead the movie is more about the aftermath of it. How the girl thinks the guy loves her, her dads problems with anger and not trusting anyone, and the mom trying to fix everything.

Said creepy pedo is Chris Henry Coffey, and he hasn’t been in much, but he is sufficiently creepy. Jason Clarke is the FBI guy in charge of helping find him.

Apparently telling them to take a seat works both on predators and the predatorees.

Everyone does a pretty good job acting in the family. Especially the girl. Probably follows some sort of “Stages” after a trauma, but I don’t know that stuff. Clive reminded me of Russell Crowe, just wanted to go everywhere and fight everyone. Seemingly it had just the right level of creepiness to make you go “Wtf!” and keep watching.

Revenge of the Bridesmaids is another movie I thought I would ever watch. I noticed it before, but usually just in disdain. Mostly because it seemed to come out when Bridesmaids came to Theaters, to try and build off that Success. A live action example of Chop-Kick Panda, if you will. But damn it, someone requested a review, and a review there will be!

Wooo. Movies.

Raven and JoAnna Garcia are friends! They also have two other friends, Chyrssie Whitehead and Virginia Williams. The last one there is rich and wonderful. Lives in a mansion! All of the friends used to play as they went to school or something. She was spoiled though, because she was rich, so she might have been ruder. Raven and JoAnna left that town and moved to NYC to become a writer and an actress. But they come back, and surprise, spoiled brat is getting married!

They hate her now, and surely they would just decline and not go. But the groom? The groom is their other friends former long term lover! Whats up with that?! So they want to get to the bottom of it. Eventually they decide (like action movies?) they need to infiltrate the area, become bridesmaids, and try to ruin the wedding. For their real friend. Shenanigans!

So, while watching this movie I got suspicious. Something else was not right with it. The camera work was dreadful, reminded me of day time soap opera during parts of it. Clearly a rushed thing sure. But something else bugged me. Once I noticed there was weird transitions involving fading out and a new scene? I figured it out. This is a damn made for TV movie, ABC family or something. Arggggh! And it shows. I mean, made for TV movies don’t have to be bad. Lifetime and ABC Family just give them a bad name. Other networks had made decent ones, but this is not one.

I thought the acting was pretty bad, as was all of the “schemes”. Type of stuff that is only done in bad sitcoms, or, well yeah, made for tv movies. Damn it again.

The morals of the movie aren’t the best either. The guy in question seems like kind of a douche, and is a bad guy for the two girls to be chasing after. Similarly, the daughter wasn’t too bad. She was spoiled, and thus kind of bossy. The movie made it clear that it was probably thanks to her mom, played by Beth Broderick, that she is the way she is. But punished for her upbringing she is anyways. It then ended with a “happy ending” where somehow it worked out well for the not rich three girls. Oh joy.

Unfortunately I wasn’t able to find this picture on Google by just searching “Douches”.

1 out of 4.

As you all know, I really did not like Colombiana. It had almost every bad movie cliche in it, and it did it just to sell more tickets, and help dumben America. Or something. But when I was told that Salt is like the opposite of Colombiana, I was very skeptical. After all, it is Angelina Jolie, and she was Tomb Raider! She has always been an “action star” but I never really understood why. Especially since most of the roles she had played were based off her looks, not acting or fighting or shooting ability.

So someone who made a career of doing things I hated about movies, did the exact opposite in a movie? Yeah. I guess so.

Two Tomb Raiders for Two Movies.

Salt really is a film about trust and betrayal. That an hilarious misunderstandings, without the hilarity. Evelyn Salt is working for the US Government. A CIA spy or whatever.

Some Russian dude comes out of no where though. And wants to be taken in and tell his tale. So Salt interrogates him with Chiwetel Ejiofor, and he lets them know that Russia has spies in the US government that want to kill the President of the US and the President of Russia, to make a war. So who does he name? Salt of course! Salt freaks out, and from the wording of the Russian dude, also thinks her husband is at risk. All she wants to do is make sure he is okay, but the CIA said “nuh uh” to that. Can’t let her go now! Well she gets out anyways. Despite Liev Schreiber‘s best attempt to keep her contained.

So the movie is about Salt trying to find her husband, and figure out why that guy would say that? Is she actually born a russian spy and meant to kill the president? Is it some programming thing in her brain that will just go off, like Relax in Zoolander? Or is she being set up by Russia in order for another spy to carry out that mission? WHAT? TELL ME?

Oh damn it. You have to watch to find out. What is interesting in the movie is that they use the confusion well as a plot device. The viewer is never really sure who is the bad guy, just like Angelina Jolie isn’t sure either. Not until the climax is everything cleared out, you know, like a classic spy movie. Similarly, the shooting/escaping/fighting is really well done.

Salt is also not invincible. She gets knocked down, bleeds, gets hurt, but gets back up. None of this “oh I am so much better than all of you, let me kick yo ass!” stuff. Also! Angelina Jolie doesn’t do anything sexy in this movie. Zero. It relies entirely on plot twists and action to carry the movie, and some acting. No “lets get more guys to watch this” filler shit. Bonus points Jolie.

Pictured: Zero sex appeal.

I applaud this movie for focusing on an interesting movie first, and kind of realistic (still far from realistic, but realistic-er), and not resorting to all the cheap ploys to try and make more money. You should check it out too.

When you see the cover for Takers, you probably go “Hey! I know some of these people! It must be good!” To be fair, some of the people are known for being in some decent, and some bad movies. We have Idris Elba, Hayden Christensen, and Matt Dillon, who at least classify as actors. Then Michael Ealy who would be a lot less know, along with Zoe Saldana who people are only starting to recognize.

But then you see Chris Brown and T.I. YES! If you love their music, you will love their acting! I guess that is the idea.

I am probably just upset that 50 Cent didn’t get the call.

Lets see! It’s hard to really put a finger on what I didn’t like about this movie. Mostly because my finger isn’t big enough to hit everything at once.

Dillon and some other guy are investigating a very well done bank Robbery. Done by all the guys listed above, but not T.I. or Zoe. Why not T.I.?! (Boom, all 3 “endings in a row). Because he was in prison! From five years ago, he got caught while the rest got away. Thankfully he ain’t a snitch. But he does come back after that bank robbery, when everyone is happy, with a new mission right away. In five days.

Seems legit, if not rushed. Russians are involved, just an armored car thing. Some people don’t like it (so soon!) and what not. But it happens. And then. Betrayal. (WHO SAW THAT COMING?)

But yeah. A lot of movie happens before the heist, and then the heist actually takes some time. But after the heist, when backstabbing may occur, I think it is only in the last 20 minutes. I think a lot of the “pre-heist” stuff is just super slow, and not well done at all. The actual heist? It was kind of cool. I will give you that. Even with the fuckups. But I had so little interest in the rest of the story, it was crazy.

But not as crazy as the fear in his eyes there. Man up!

So uhh yeah. I would rather watch Armored again than this.

I was reluctant to watch Midnight in Paris because it had some things I am generally afraid of. One being Owen Wilson acting, the other being the possibility that I might not get it, because it is a Woody Allen movie. I think there is an unspoken rule that if you don’t like Woody Allen, you are bad at movies. Or something like that. So I have been putting his recent movies off. Even that one with Scarlet Johansson!

But now that I have seen a recent one, I am coming for you Vicky Christina Barcelona!

Film begins with Owen and Rachel McAdams, in Paris! They are married. He is a writer. But they have issues. Hopefully Paris with her parents and friends can help them. The dad is played by Kurt Fuller, who always makes me laugh. Not by what he does, just because of his looks and Wayne’s World.

Well, one night when he just wants to walk around and not go out dancing, he gets invited into an old timey car right at midnight. Reluctantly, he goes with them out to a bar, and eventually realizes he is in the 1920s Paris, much like what his novel is about. He meets the F. Scott Fitzgerald! And other people. Like Corey Stoll as Ernest Hemingway, and Kathy Bates as Gertrude Stein. Famous artists throughout the earl 1900s who inhabited Paris show up, from writers, to song writers, to painters, and more. Night after night he goes to the same place to be picked up by the car, alone after he realizes his wife wouldn’t understand.

Yeah. And he meets a girl. “Adriana” or Marion Cotillard. Not sure if she is actually someone famous or not. But he likes her way more. Afterall, she lives in the “Golden Ages!”

Allegedly.

Despite it being a “RomCom” it definitely takes it in a weirder direction. My whole time watching, despite it being obvious that they weren’t good together, I was thinking that if these trips through time were real, just being with Adriana in them was him cheating. Bugged me.

I thought the dialogue was really good though. Made me interested in what was going on, and during a time I usually don’t care about. The overall theme of grass being greener was a good one to follow, but maybe a bit too forced at the end.

So yeah. Decent.

Catch .44 is obviously going for some clever title, where instead of 22, there is instead a gun reference. That way you know “Hey! There be guns in dem dare movie!” It also flashes Bruce Willis on the cover, but his role is definitely not as some of the others in the movie.

Dude couldn’t even be bothered to put on some pants!

This film is a harder one to go over the plot for. The director/writer has only done like, one other movie before, and in this one he CLEARLY wants to be Quentin Tarantino. The movie is told out of order, has a Mexican standoff, some uncomfortably long scenes, cursin’ and talkin’ about pop culture, and kind of spoils the ending near the beginning. But hey, people like that sort of thing. So here is an attempt.

Three ladies, Tes, Dawn, and and Kara (played by Malin Akerman, Deborah Ann Woll, and Nikki Reed respectfully). If you are keeping track of names, that is Silk Spectre II from Watchmen, and a girl from True Blood, and one from Twilight. Way to capture the demographics right there.

Anyways, they are part of a drug syndicate lead by Bruce Willis. Their mission is to get to a location where a drug hand off is going down, stop it, and recover the drugs. Hopefully without taking on any casulties. There is also “mysterious” Forest Whitaker, who may be following them, killing some people, and sounding super Cajun. Also, Shea Whigham has an important role as well. He also works in the organization.

Because every movie Tarantino-ish needs a “conversation” at a diner, or cafe, or whatever.

Its hard to say what I like about the movie. It is an obvious rip off like thing. But I thought the acting for what it was, was decent. Camera work was nice. Parts in the beginning annoyed me, mostly due to confusion on when things took place, but eventually my questions were answered. Whitaker was super creepy to me the whole movie, could never tell just what was up with his character. But after all of that, it was surprisingly decent.