Month: November 2011

For some reason when I first saw this movie, I thought Yellow Wallpaper. Not sure why, since clearly those titles are far apart from each other. But this movie did seem familiar. Oh, Kristen Stewart is in it? Maybe that’s why. Given her incredibly talented acting resume, I should have immediately recognized it as one of her movies!

What? Hating on Kristen Stewart for the quick laugh? I wouldn’t do something like that.

The Yellow Handkerchief is more or less a story about weridos. William Hurt plays a man who has just been released from prison, and for “some reason” wants to travel to a different part of Louisiana. Kristin Stewart is a girl who feels like no one cares for her, and wants to get out of the town. Eddie Redmayne is actually a weird guy, with some weird social disorders I have to assume. Very forward, talks funny, and guess what? He has a car!

For various reasons they go on a small road trip through Louisiana, so that William can get to see his lost lover, Maria Bello, before he was in prison.

This movie has some good themes. Like acceptance! And uhh. Growing up. And uhh. Second chances. Yeah!

I was about to say three difference sentences about how each actor/actress did good in their role, but this one sentence should do that well enough.

I was also confused a few times during the movie. I couldn’t tell when it was set (the last five years), but it also made it seem like it was decades ago with the small and empty towns. Just didn’t know there was small town life like that anymore. Also, three different occasions it seemed like a woman got all upset over sex, and were about to claim rape. Despite you know, trying to have sex with the dude already. Very weird. Okay, two and a half times.

“Half a rape attempt? I can dig that.”

Pretty interesting movie, but also kinda slow. Good endings and lessons learned though. Wasn’t watered down with a lot of excessive violence or anything. Very simple.

This is NOT a review of the books, or a comparison of them. Also, these reviews will be SLATHERED with spoilers. So, there is the warning.

Harry Potter is Daniel Radcliff, Ron Weasley is Rupert Grint, and Hermoine is Emma Watson. Also, Alan Rickman is Snape, Michael Gambon is Dumbledore, well, not really. He is dead.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

Yay! The final year at Hogwarts! That means the final movie!

What? They split his final year into two movies? Alright well, thats dumb. But okay.

What? He isn’t going to school at all? This is just a random year of his life then. A random important year. But wheres my schoolyard shenanigans?

Like in the first movie.

Hmm. So at the beginning, they try and trick the Death Eaters and Bald Dude. Apparently when Harry turns 17 he is no longer protected by his moms corpse, and bald dude can get him! So they make a whole bunch of copies of HP, and fly off in different directions to the ginger’s house.

Hotttttttttt

Too bad it doesn’t help. His BIRD and Bug Eye dude die. Way to go Harry. Causing problems.

Blah blah blah. Wedding. Dumbledore’s will. Harry just gets a lame snitch ball. No sword. Then death eater’s screw everything up, so Harry and his friends go into hiding running.

Eventually they get the locket after sneaking into the government place with disguises. They get locket. Then they try to destroy it the rest of the movie.

Searching. Snake attack. SWORD IN A LAKE WHAT!

Then they soon get caught by the Nazi family, and end up escaping. Because, of Dobby, the House Elf, and his ability to just transport at will.

Yay Dobby!

Also some people switch up wands, but Dobby also gets owned. And the movie dies with his death.

Gahh. The bigger death than Dumbledore was Dobby? Surprise surprise.

So, as a stand alone movie. This one would be kinda pointless. They need to find like, 4 more Horocruxes or something? And they found 1? Got a cool sword though at least. Thankfully, because of the “part 1” this is not a stand alone film. And shouldn’t be judged as a different one. I wish they came out at the same time, because If you had only got to see this movie, you should feel pretty let down.

Sure, acting is fine. Emotions are felt. Music and visuals are great. But also, just have to wonder what the point is?

Because of all this, the movie just gets an average rating. It doesn’t mean anything.

One of my friends joked to me a long time ago that Eat Pray Love could just be renamed “First World Problems: The Movie” (probably a stolen joke) but I didn’t get it now. Holy shit, I never knew the journey to self empowerment would be such an expensive endeavor.

Sure she is roughing it. But she is roughing it in Italy with a safety net.

The movie stars Julia Roberts as she travels around the world to experience life and find herself. She was living very well off in NYC with her husband, Billy Crudup, but got bored by the marriage. While trying to get a divorce (which he didn’t want), she fell for James Franco, who she then also had problems with. Her obvious solution was to pay for a trip to Italy, India, and Indonesia.

In Italy she was supposed to focus on her eating, and find happiness. In India, she would focus on her spirituality, and in Indonesia she would hang out with this weird medicine man and figure out her love life. Despite being packaged into nice little boxes, the overall theme of the movie was love. Everyplace she went, she had to deal with other social stigmas on her for not having a husband/being divorced. Some would call her courageous, but others stupid.

The transition was weird for me to watch too. Once she got to India, I felt like she was only being berated by Richard Jenkins for a long time. She got mad that he was speaking in “bumper stickers”, but she really didn’t have a better message. I barely even noticed her getting to Indonesia, minus the medicine man dude. Where, from what I could tell, all she was doing was hanging out with the rich Javier Bardem.

Not to be confused with the evil killing Javier Bardem.

Anyways. Most of the movie she seems to be complaining about love, and trying to get over her past two loves. Despite the eating and praying portions. Not only does that happen, but she complains a lot. Apparently her life is so bad that she had to leave the USA. By the end of course she “finds herself”, whatever that means, and in doing so…a new man. I thought they were trying to set us up for an independent woman thing, but somehow it still ends with a man. That man not being Billy Crudup, who she left brokenhearted in NYC.

I cant’ speak as a woman, but from what I can tell, it still promotes the fact that they need a man in their life to be truly happy, and that journeys require lots of money. If you are stuck at home, oh well, maybe you can journey to a nearby town. Doesn’t seem like the best messages. For shame, Julia Roberts. For shame.

Up In The Air is one of those movies that comes out in December that we like to call “Oscar Bait”. Big movies, with big actors, playing super dramatic /inspirational roles, right before the deadline for the Academy Awards, so they are fresh on the mind. No one remembers January movies in December.

What important to life theme does Up In The Air have? Downsizing and loneliness.

And Batman.

George Clooney is a guy who keeps to himself. His boss Jason Bateman is a downsizing firm, who goes to companies and lays off the workers and provides them with some post job security. His job mostly involves him flying all around the US. Once he is at the job, he gets his own office, and face to face gets to tell all these strangers that they are no longer going to be working there. The movie is full of these smaller scenes, watching the reactions on different people. You even get to see Zach Galifianakis as Random Worker.

He also is a pseudo motivational speaker. Unfortunately his message is about living a life with zero baggage and friends, and for some reason he thinks that is a good thing. I will note, the times when he is telling his philosophy, it just sounds stupid. I can’t believe people listen to him in the movie.

Dude also likes flying. He is trying to get ten million miles in the air, to get a special card and meet the head airline pilot (Sam Elliot) and get just sexy benefits.

That is all other stuff. It turns out even his company is changing. Anna Kendrick comes in changing shit. Instead of flying places face to face, they will remotely fire people, over the computer. Clooney doesn’t like doing that (because he doesn’t want to settle) and would rather be on the road. Also he finds it desensitizing so Kendrick must go out with him to try it face to face. Also he finds a fellow crazy traveler, Vera Farmiga, who he hooks up with a bunch for crazy hotel sexcapades.

But first? Alcohol!

I think I talked too much about the plot. Blah blah blah. Anna does a great job as young go-getter who doesn’t know much about the world. She can be a great actress, shown in Rocket Science, but is forced to be “Non important cute girl” in Twilight movies instead. If I had to be fired, I’d prefer it to be done by someone like George Clooney. Dude is probably charismatic even while mowing the lawn.

Danny McBride is also a surprise cameo in here, as a serious role, and his ugliest role yet.

But overall a good movie. Felt real. Felt sad. Felt funny. Felt it all. And also, life’s a bitch.

This is NOT a review of the books, or a comparison of them. Also, these reviews will be SLATHERED with spoilers. So, there is the warning.

Harry Potter is Daniel Radcliff, Ron Weasley is Rupert Grint, and Hermoine is Emma Watson. Also, Alan Rickman is Snape, Michael Gambon is Dumbledore.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

EVERYONE RUN. VOLDEMORT IS IN POWER. SECRETLY. HE CONTROLS THE GOVERNMENT AND PRINT MEDIA. NOTHING CAN BE DONE TO SAVE US NOW.

This is what they WANT you to believe is happening.

Also Snape is a dick, promising to help kill Dumbledore if that blonde mean dude fails. What a dick.

The beginning of the movie also features a trip to see some fat dude, who we have to presume will be the new defense against the dark arts teacher, but no, Jim Broadbent is brought in for potions? You mean Snape finally gets to teach the class he wants? That is crazy. I guess you wouldn’t want to give Zidler from Moulin Rouge! too much power.

“We’re going to turn Hogwarts into a theaaaaaaaaterrrrrrrrrrrr!”

Also Helena Bonham Carter is running around as some bad ass person, killing everybody that she wants to.

So what happens in this movie is Harry ends up cheating in Potions, using a book that has all the correct ways to make potions in them. Why are the books they using so inept? I don’t know. But this one is better. Signed by the Half-Blood Prince. Also has some nifty cheat code magic spells too. Too bad they really fuck a guy up.

They learn that bald dude is so powerful because he has put his soul into six different objects, much like a Lich would have with a Phylactery. To destroy Vdude, must destroy them all first. And that is what this movie is about. I think Dumbledore already killed one, and at the end they go and kill another.

BUT FIRST. Harry gets a luck potion. Or a potion that makes everything work for him for a duration time. That is awesome. It is pretty much the magic form of the best X-Men character ever, Longshot, who has the mutant ability to have things just go his way, always.

“So wait. You are in a different galaxy. And a cyborg. Yet you have a mutant ability too? To just be lucky? Doesn’t that seem like cheating at life?”

Alright. So they go to find a Horocrux, Dumbledore and Harry. Dumbledore has to drink a whole pot of water, almost killing him (Like alcohol?) and then they fight some zombies. They get the thing and go home, but the thing was fake. Fuck. Then SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE.

Roughly like this.

OH NO. AND SNAPE WAS THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE. Now Harry is all angsty, his best old gay friend is dead. The dude who hates him killed him. And that same dude helped him cheat in school. Where are your morals, Potter? Where?

So then he says that he wont go back to school. I guess realizing that he should be expelled for pseudo cheating. Instead he is going to kill a bald dude.

Or the other way around. Who is to say?

So this movie was pretty great. It had a darker tone than the other movies. Its effects were top notch too, really capturing the Blu-Ray technology. This movie, like the last two, ends in death, so I have to assume the next two will as well. Eventually, ending all the movies the same way kind of feels like a cop out. But with two movies left, and each death being more important (Diggory –> Sirius –> Dumbledore –> ? –> Voldemort/Potter), I have no idea who would die in the next one.

I almost care about the character too, now that Harry found love in a Ginger, and that he doesn’t look like a tool anymore. Still kind of an angsty teen, but not a tool.

Here is a movie title that should just make you stop and go “Huh, that seems interesting!” At least it did for me. Kill The Irishman? Why does he have to die? Tell me now, damn it!

I gained a level of rage only comparable to road rage waiting for this answer.

This movie tells the real life story of Danny Greene, some small time Cleavland boy’s rise to fame. Ray Stevenson plays the titular character and is fantastic at it. Other important people to the movie include Vincent D’Onofrio, Val Kilmer, Vinnie Jones, and Christopher Walken. You know, tough guys, cause its a mob movie.

I also think that is an absurd amount of “V” named people for one cast.

Alright, so Danny Greene. His rise to head of the local Union, to being kicked out of all Unions, to mob thug, to mob heavy player, to the order for him to be killed. Pretty easy to follow timeline. Also during the movie there is some sex having, a lot of crime, and a lot of close friends who end up having to die as well.

So if you hate Mob like movies, then might not want to watch it. But if you like crazy mustaches, you definitely want to check out the second half. For the first half, he is mustacheless, which almost confused me. I see the cover, I see mustache, and I just find myself looking for the mustache guy the whole movie.

“Oh my bad, I didn’t know you cared that much about my upper lip, ya freak.”

The acting is pretty well done. I can’t comment on its realness, but eh, I believe it. Nothing else better to do in Cleavland except blow things up. As far as I can tell, this building may be the next thing to go. Music is great for the mood as well. Really felt for the characters, and accept that Danny Greene ends his life on a positive (?) note.

I have been told that The Other Guys was a great movie. By looking at the cover a long time ago, I assumed that was not true. This also came out around the same time as Cop Out, so I need to spread out my police cop comedy thrillers. Cop Out seemed to be a good movie at the beginning, very funny, and try and turn into a more serious thing by the end, causing me to care less. The Other Guys, on the other hand, seems to be a comedy throughout, yet still, I lost interest.

I am fine with this level of seriousness.

This movie starts out as an over the top action movie. Samuel L. Jackson and The Rock are chasing some criminals in NYC, and lots of damage get done. Sure, they had about only 3k worth of pot on them, and they caused 12million in damages, but who is counting? Crime has been stopped. They are heroes!

But the movie isn’t about them. It isn’t about Rob Riggle and Damon Wayans Jr. either, they are just normal guy. No, it is about the Other Guys. Will Ferrell, desk cop accountant who loves paper work, and Mark Whalberg, overly angry and paranoid detective who has to work with him.

The movie plot is pretty much, SLJ and The Rock end up dying with their reckless ways, and some people need to fill their shoes!

I loved the beginning, had me “lol”ing more than once. But as it got into the story (which was heavy on banking and monetary things, which is something I don’t understand well anyways), I didn’t get confused, I just cared less. Hard to describe it. The jokes did seem to get less funny, or be the same joke over and over. Eva Mendes and Michael Keaton are also both in this movie.

“Two possible pictures here, you chose one with Michael Keaton???” – Angry Gorgon Review reader.

I also didn’t like Whalberg’s character. Normally in a duo, one is annoying, and one is normal. You take Whalberg to be the “normal” part of the pair at the start, until later when you find out he is way annoying. Always yelling and freaking out. Part of the design, but not one I liked to see. So to me, it started out strong, then just got okay.

This is NOT a review of the books, or a comparison of them. Also, these reviews will be SLATHERED with spoilers. So, there is the warning.

Harry Potter is Daniel Radcliff, Ron Weasley is Rupert Grint, and Hermoine is Emma Watson.

In the next movies, somehow Hermoine gets more attractive and Harry somehow gets uglier.

If only there was a picture I could find to show that point.

Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire

Finally! A movie that has everything I could want. Edward Cullen.

Much more taller and cooler than Harry Potter.

Finally, this movie helps us realize that more than one person is awesome in this school. Cedric is older, cooler, better with the ladies, and most likely to be wizarding president, or something like that. In fact, he is chosen to represent the school at some tournament versus other foreign stereotypical wizard schools. There is more than one!? Shit. More important stuff.

There is a new teacher to replace the last three, and he is creepy with a weird eye. Snape is still a jerk. Gandalf is still gay. But you know what? This movie is highly entertaining. It is great when a movie sticks to a tournament structure and actually goes through all the stages of the tournament, with no funny business. Minus Harry sneaking is way in. That jerk.

ALSO. That ugly bald guy is finally in the movie. He is some weird house far away from the rest of the action, but hey, he is still being an asshole. In fact, he kills Cedric! No one else sees it happen, but Harry. So no one believes it. But shit, that has to suck, having that dead body on his conscious. I hope Harry doesn’t have anything else like that happen to him.

Foreshadowing.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

This is the last movie to feature lame British people at the beginning. This time that replacement teacher is an older, grown up pink lady who works for the man.

She just screams oppression.

Also what happens in this movie? Well Sirius dies. And that is about it.

Dumbledore gets kicked out of Hogwarts in the movie, but don’t worry, by the end he is back. They start up a club to learn to fight (which helps make Dumbledore get kicked out, due to poor name choices) and that is good. But they still can’t beat Voldemorts people yet. And uhh. Yeah. This movie is like a really slow montage, that doesn’t equate to immediate victory.

But yeah. If this movie was a season of Buffy, to me it would be season 1. Just mostly felt like filler. I pretty much hated this movie. I didn’t see the point.

Compared to the book, sure whatever, a lot happens. But in the movie? Ehhh..Nothing important.

I thought the only other important thing would be that people know that Voldemort is back, but six sweeps that bad boy under the rug.

At least we still have big eyes. Who is the live action version of Mr. DeMartino.

These films we see a more mature cast, easier to look at, if Harry didn’t have such ugly hair. We get a better explanation of the Wizarding world, both in its government and its “more than one school ness”. Similarly, these movies amp up the stakes. PG-13, no longer that G stuff. Just imagine if this series gained a rating per film? 5 would be quite a different experience, and who knows about the last few.

The comparison between 4 and 5 for me is just crazy. I love four, I hate five. Apparently this is not what most people thing? But most people might just compare it to the books, hell if I know.

Ugh.

I thought this movie, Push, would be a pretty simple action movie. Something about telekinetic people, maybe some government testing, and all this running around in Hong Kong. Cool stuff. Unfortunatly, it was beyond simple. Not in the good way. This was a complicated movie to understand, for just something about people with powers. I know Chris Evans loves playing people with powers, but come on man, you gotta learn to say no.

Despite the fame and fortune it may bring you.

This movie starts out simple. Dude is young, his dad tells him to hide, and to help a girl who gives him flowers in the future. Then he dies. Boom opening credits.

Then a girls voice begins talking and explaining a lot of back story. I even heard the word Nazi during it, so you know it is serious.

Later girl, Dakota Fanning, finds Evans and starts telling him the future. Turns out she is a “Watcher” and can predict the future, kinda. He is a “Mover” meaning he can telepathically move shit / control the air around him. Alright, fine, two types of people with dumb names for their powers got it.

They have to find a case worth a lot of money she says, and also it involves some other girl, Camilla Belle, who is a “Pusher” who can telepathically push memories/directions into other people’s heads. Alright. Three types of powers. Got it. Dumb name still. But cool. Also, USA is testing a new drug on people to enhance these powers, but it killed most people, except her.

And then landslide of confusion. There are a lot of different powers in this movie, and they often don’t explain them right away. Then you hear someone talking about a “Stitcher”, then a “Shadow”, then a “Wiper”, then a “Sniff”. You are like, holy shit, what the fuck is going on. If you memorize the terms of all of them before the movie, you’d be good to go, so here is a list. WTF, am I right? I can’t just learn all of this stuff in a slowly quick paced action movie. I don’t know anyone who could.

Besides that confusion, this movie has about as many holes as a piece of Pumice.

This could be the first rock picture on Gorgon Reviews.

So, confusing nomenclature, causing zero assurance of what anyone can do (and how all these people came to exist anyways). Plot holes, so you don’t understand how events in the movie even happen. These two sentences do not bode well for a good movie experience. Bind those up with an ending where we are supposed to accept out of no where that somehow Chris Evans’ character became the smartest man in existence, and it just rates very low.

Unthinkable starts off with some Muslim dude saying he has planted three nuclear bombs in cities around America, and set to go off in a few days, Friday at noon.

I could swear, during the video of this, which they were showing CIA/FBI people on Wednesday, someone said “That’s four days!”. Dumb. Just saying.

The beginning of this movie is kind of weird too, with the FBI being behind the news in this matter. For some reason, when trying to find said suspect, they get attached to Samuel L Jackson, who kind of just sticks around. We are told he is a dangerous man under protection. But good thing they did, because he can help!

And SLJ just loves helping people!

The head FBI lady is Carrie-Anne Moss, or Trinity from The Matrix. SLJ is a “interrogation specialist” or at least a guy who is willing to do anything in torture to get the truth. Yes, even the Unthinkable.

His assistant is Benito Martinez, or that guy from The Shield, and Stephen Root is his lawyer/representative guy. I have been wanting to tag Stephen Root forever, he is probably in half of these movies I have on the site, but NEVER has a major role.

Anyways. Most of the movie is the few days of them trying to torture this guy, going back and forth between the two methods. And by back and forth, I mean 90% of it is SLJ’s way. 100%, if you assume he is allowing the other way to even happen, and can stop it whenever.

Obviously this movie questions everything about interrogation procedures. Does torture give viable results? Which side is overall right? Why is the head army dude so wishwashy and quick to pass blame? (Seriously, what a horrible character. Not believable). I guess it just goes to show that no one know what to do when trying to stop 3 nuclear bombs from going off.

I find it hard to believe a guy could make them. Especially with such great “countdown software” which I bet is only real in movies.

But the movie and acting were very great. The only thing I can take out of this really is that they really hate Muslims. I think the film avoids taking sides, and still has a dreary ending just to prove that live sucks. You know. Well, it would at least if we didn’t have Samuel L. Jackson.

If Samuel L. Jackson was actually in charge of torturing a man, you know he’d have shotguns instead.