Month: October 2011

I will ask the question everyone is thinking first. Does Denzel Washington have a secret train love?

He probably likes to pretend he is actually part of the trains.

First I reviewed The Taking of Pelham 123, and now this, Unstoppable. Denzel was some NYC conductor like person, and in this one he is just a driver. Been working 20 some years, being forced into early retirement. Almost reminds me of John Q.

Also there is Chris Pine, while not Kirk, he is a Conductor of the train with Denzel, and thus I will now call him Captain. Thanks to a bumbling Ethan Suplee (who the movie makes way too big of a bad guy for “simple mistakes”) a train half a mile long accidentally gets set in motion (with the throttle on, meaning it gains speed, or something) and with no real way to stop it. Breaks out. Shit is going to happen in Southern Pennsylvania.

The movie starts pretty slow, with initial tries to stop the, at the time, slowly moving train. Rosario Dawson is at the command center and only working with idiots. The train also has a whole bunch of bad chemicals on it that could wipe out people. You know normal stuff.

So the movie is about how two normal people end up somehow preventing a train from becoming a big disaster. Based on true events, yet also widely exaggerated. Not a traditional action movie, but more of a suspense action at how they are going to stop the runaway train. And that story is pretty cool.

It was just a great story overall. I was definitely very interested in the outcome, despite knowing what would happen. But how would it happen? Blah blah blah, I’ve said stuff like that before. Also you know, it could have taken out their families. So they had extra reasons to go above and beyond the call of duty.

“I am NOT going to bury my [daughters]! My [daughters] are going to bury me [and all my hundreds of pieces if this goes wrong]”

Hey look, a movie based off a Nicholas Sparks novel that was made a whole year before the movie. Are all of his books just turning into instant movie bait?

Probably. What I also learned about The Last Song is that apparently NC was supposed to host the filming crew, but voters turned it down, so they went to the magical land of Georgia.

Those lawyers must be magical to convince the citizens to provide those kind of tax breaks!

The story stars angsty teen Miley Cyrus and her younger brother, having to atrocious task of living with their dad for the summer in Georgia. Years earlier their parents got divorced. Her dad, Greg Kinnear, used to be a Juliard piano teacher and taught Miley all she knows. She even got accepted to Juliard, but hates her dad over the divorce and refuses to go next year. The brother however was by far my favorite part of the movie. I think he is supposed to be around 10, but he had some of the best lines as he is way smarter than any kid should be.

There is also a love interest in Georgia, played by some nobody Liam Hemsworth. It is ludicrous for him trying to woo Miley. Her character is way too annoying / moody towards him, always going off and on. No way is she that “unique” for him to do that. Probably just trying to get back at his rich parents.

Spoilers? Doubtful. The story is of course how the dad has some late stages of Cancer and actually wanted to spend some time with the kids before he gets all sick and dies. So the story is of course Miley learning of this, and dealing with it, trying to reconnect with the father she grew to hate and also learn to love the piano again.

The story is pretty much expected. The ending goes as expected as well. Everything falls into their neatly packaged pieces. Sure it is kind of sad, but Miley is not a great actress yet. She kept making faces that were supposed to be sad? But just seemed to look goofy.

“Oh, she’s just bein Miley.“

Despite the absolutely nothing new aspects of it, it was still overall okay. Lets say because the little brother kicked some ass.

Hooray Hooray Hooray! This is the 150th movie review on the site. This seems like a special occasion (more special than 100th Review) so I will include way too many pictures as a way of celebrating.

Twilight is a “vampire” themed Romance Drama thing (some people may call it a “Chick Flick” even) based off some book of the same name. So anything that the book tells me that the movie does not tell me I don’t know. Like I don’t know if Kristen Stewart is actually supposed to be so freakishly pale (which characters in the movie allude too. So probably).

If you glare long enough, you might be able to make out her face.

Cedric Diggory plays the main vampire role, and is super gross. Dude almost threw up when he first saw Bella. Not to mention his foster brothers/sisters, also all creepy and dating each other. Leaves him all alone. Girls want him, like Anna Kendrick, but he is too cool for them. They aren’t pale enough.

He also likes those Asian types.

Anyways, despite Cedric telling Bella that he is super predatoring her, and that she can’t help but fall under his charm, she still thinks she loves him. That is ridiculous.

“You are under an aura spell so I can kill you. But I wont.” “Fuck that, this is LOVE!”

After the long drawn out opening, after they all of the sudden love each other, the rest of the movie feels like it is just him slowly explaining to her what being a vampire in this world is like. They pick some place Oregon cause it is dreary as fuck, cloudy and rainy, so not much direct sunlight to make them shine. Also, I think about 4/5 of this movie takes place in the woods. They always run out to the damn woods. It got pretty annoying, cause the woods are cloudy/dreary too. No pretty scenery is in this movie at all.

Also, for some reason the clouds/fog make sexy shapes.

The ending felt super rushed. But before that. BASEBALL? WHAT? That was one of the strangest scenes ever in a movie. “Hey its thunderstorming so we can play baseball, if we time our swings with the thunder booms and do ridiculous super human strength stuff”. No one seemed to ever miss, making pitching stupid. Also I don’t think anyone scored a point.

WHAT? Baseball?!

After baseball, the ending began. Everything was super rushed. I just said that. All of the sudden, snarly mcsnarl vampire loner wanted to get Bella, and she had to run, because he wouldn’t stop. So they drive to Phoenix. And then confront him. Weird fight later. Bella almost dies. Cedric saves her. Go to prom. Dance. The end.

Yay prom.

NO ITS NOT REALLY THE END. Some random girl spied on them dancing? Also, I have no idea why Cedric hated Taylor Lautner so much. Maybe its because he isn’t really an Indian? Lautner seemed to hate him back though. They never explain why in this movie, which is just silly. What is there more movies coming? It probably has to do with his hair.

No wonder “Team Jacob” chants didn’t start with this movie.

Overall the movie was as cheesy as I thought it would be. I don’t see how anyone could “fall” for the Cedric Diggory character. Kristen Stewart was annoying as a longer. Whats up Anna Kendrick. Taylor Lautner creeped me out. Then more drawn out parts. Yeah.

I have been getting some flack for only giving 4 out of 4s to mostly just drama movies and some action ones. People demanded a review of a 4/4 Comedy, so with that, I brought back one of my favorite in the last few years, Tropic Thunder.

By now most people are aware of this movie. It has a group of guys, all famous actors / celebrities (except for Jay Baruchel) making the Vietnam War movie based on a real book. In it is Comedian Jack Black(Jeff Portnoy), Action star Ben Stiller(Tugg Speedman), and Serious Dramatic Robert Downey Jr.(Kirk Lazarus). Also, Rapper Brandon T. Jackson (Alpa Chino).

This group of ragtag people are making the director, Steve Coogan, angry with their drama. So with the help of Nick Nolte (book writer) and Danny McBride (bomb expert), they place the actors in the jungle with cameras hidden around. They plan on scaring them into acting better, by only giving them safety if they finish the movie, going for very gritty guerrilla style takes. Unfortunately, there is real threats in the jungle, so the actors have to try to both survive and think they are doing a movie.

“I’M A LEAD FARMER MOTHER FUCKER!

What makes this movie really great is pretty much all of it. It is a very quotable movie, I can still do several scenes and I haven’t seen it in awhile. RDJ does one of my favorite performances ever, as blackface general who never breaks character. It is just so believable, his drive. The Stiller character is very annoying, but thankfully, that is what they were going for. I thought Matthew McConaughey just played an overexaggerated version of himself, and that the Tom Cruise cameo represents exactly what I want from Tom Cruise. Always.

Seriously. It is funny. Has enough WTF humor in it (Retards, endangered species death, etc). Just overall great movie. The fake previews at the start helped set the mood. Instead of just a war parody, it becomes a satire on the film industry as a whole.

“BIG ASS TITTIES!”

The Switch? A movie called The Switch staring Jason Bateman? That just sounds like The Change-Up, based only on titles. But apparently this is a RomCom with Jennifer Aniston, not a Comedy with Ryan Reynolds. And definitely not a romantic comedy with Ryan Reynolds!

“Boop.”

In this story, Bateman and Aniston are friends. Aniston wants to get a sperm donor (definitely not Bateman) and be a single mom, instead of waiting for Mr. Right. She decides on Patrick Wilson, because he is the epitome of a male human being. He is married, but they need the cash. Well, at the donor party, Bateman gets trashed drunk switches the semen with his own (The Switch is a better movie title than Semen Switch…maybe) and only tells fucking Jeff Goldbloom.

Many years later, he realizes that the kid is his own, because the kid is nerdy, hypochondriac, and hates sports. The opposite of Patrick Wilson. Plus he got lice once!

“No kid of mine has lice or hates sports!”

So the movie is mostly just Bateman trying to connect with his donor kid, and figure out a way to tell Aniston without you know, sounding like a complete asshole.

The chemistry between Aniston and Bateman is really well done. Goldbloom does a good job of acting like a boss who always seems to be drunk (in my mind). And Patrick Wilson does a good job of freaking out about the nerdy kid and having a midlife crisis. But it is only somewhat comedic, and entirely predictable. So overall just okay.

The Joneses, if not being a title hard to say, is a look of post apocalyptic life in the suburbs.

Or at least that is what I assume. I expect the apocalypse to be a rather tame event.

The Joneses are a new family that move to a upper rich suburban neighborhood. But not only that, they are pretty darn cool. They have the latest gadgets and gizmos, cars and purses, technology and style. Steve Jones, the dad lead by David Duchovny is making so many new friends. But is something not the way it should be?!

Besides Duchovny not banging everything in site?

It turns out that everything is a lie. In a pseudo Stepford Wives / Truman Show manner, they are merely salesmen and women pretending to be a happy family in order to sell product. They work for a bigger company that just works on ad sales, so when they have new awesome things and get other people to buy them, they earn more money for the company. Demi Moore, the wife, is actually the head of the unit and Duchovny is just a new guy. Their children are played by (I can say that in both ways) Amber Heard and Ben Hollingsworth.

So yes, the whole point of the movie is more or less about exploiting the rich with a more subliminal advertising method. But it is definitely better than that. Duchovny isn’t as adapted to the acting/tricking lifestyle, so he develops real relationships with people, like his “Wife” and Gary Cole, his neighbor.

Who recently made it big selling suspenders after his office burned down.

The ending unfortunately is way too preachy, and you can already tell where it is going. Not necessarily the events, but what the preachiness is about. It felt super forced. It had a happier ending, I guess. But definitely didn’t like it yelling at me in the process.

Wow. If there is anything to say about this movie, it is that Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is definitely a refreshingly original movie, that I had no idea what to expect.

The movie takes place in way north Finland, the Lapland area. A small village is preparing to herd a whole mess of Reindeer into gates, so they can sell the meat and fur around the world. At the same time, an American man is leading an expedition on the nearby mountain, digging for something. That something?

Santa.

“Why the fuck would I be buried? Don’t you see me in this field with these kids? Alone? Hmmm…”

Santa?! Yes. Two local boys spy on them and find out that this mountain may actually be Santa’s grave? Unfortunately, the main boy does more research and the Santa is actually nothing like the “Coca Cola Santa,” but actually a much more sinister being. Instead of rewarding good kids, he instead punished the bad ones and stole them away at night to eat them. Oh shi-.

But really. Finnish Santa lore had the Santa stealing the bad kids. He may give good ones presents. But at least one person around Christmas would dress up as Santa (complete with Fur and Horns, mind you) and scare the bad kids. Apparently parents would reward Santa with Alcohol too, which just means the last kids house, if he was bad, would probably suck.

Anyways. The day before Christmas, the main kid discovers that all the other children in the town are missing! The the reindeer herd only consisted of about two Reindeer, as the other 100 or so were found slaughtered.

I will stop describing the plot now, for sake of giving it away. But lets just say, this is a crazy interesting movie. There is a lot more naked man penises than I thought, and a scene similar to the Eurotrip beach scene almost. These are actually based off of two shorts (by the same Director), Rare Exports Inc and Rare Exports: The Official Safety Instructions. Both are complete on youtube. Yes, most of the movie is also in Finnish, so you will have to read subtitled.

Parts of the ending may have felt anti-climatic, but I will blame that on budget. I actually understood the ending even better thanks to watching the youtube videos after. If you watch them before, most of it is spoiled. But hey, you probably aren’t going to see this movie anyways. The name is obviously dumb, but it makes sense in a way. This movie also has zero female characters. Similarly, it is a very creepy overall movie, and it is a dark comedy at best. If you watch it before your friends, you may get cult classic movie points later in life.

Yep. Finnish “Santa” is way more creepier than “Coca Cola Santa.”

3 out of 4.

.

People are just going to see this review and think of me as a mean old curmudgeon.

Assuming you don’t already assume that.

But I was very disappointed with the new Winnie The Pooh movie.

Blah blah blah, kids will love it, super G, whatever. I hope no kids are reading this website anyways. Just in case they are, there is some bad fucking language in some of the reviews, so they should probably stay away from those.

My problems are as such. First, not counting the credits, this movie is pretty much exactly 60 minutes long. Why a person would rather watch this than a much more interesting hour long show on HBO or Showtime, I wouldn’t know. But just in terms of length (and content) it really just felt like a long episode of a TV show. Not a movie.

The animation itself also felt like it was identical to the original older movies/shows. I know why they did that, the same way they made this movie. To prey entirely on nostalgia for older people, and to introduce it to younger people to try and get more money. If nostalgia is the only reason you would like something new, or being very young, that cannot be a good enough reason for it to be good. I read a few other reviews of this, and most of them mention the nostalgic feeling.

Finally, this doesn’t really offer anything new. This is still based off of the original book series by A. A. Milne. In fact, some of the plots are stories that have already been done in movies (such as the Search For Christopher Robin).

I did enjoy the song about the Bakson, but that was because the animation was done in a creative way. John Cleese did an excellent job as narrator too. While there was some interesting moments in terms of interactions with the book pages and the characters, most of the humor comes from the normal lack of understanding on the part of Pooh.

In conclusion, if a well established series is going to release a movie after a period of downtime, it should a) Have something improved upon the earlier series, such as graphics (not saying boom boom 3D, but there is better 2D animation capabilities), b) Not just rehash all the earlier plots, and c) Be of “movie” quality, not just a longer cartoon tv show.

Tigger, please.

1 out of 4.

I guess the first and most obvious thing to note about this movie is it is called Faces in the Crowd, not to be confused with A Face in the Crowd.

This movie, which IMDB calls a Horror-Thriller despite being more of a Thriller-Drama (unnecessary semantics are unnecessary), stars Milla Jovovich and many other people who I haven’t really seen before. Thankfully, who they are is not an important aspect of this movie.

Milla is just a kindergarten or something teacher, having a corporate boy friend, going to the clubs with her friends, living free. But she accidentally witnesses another girl getting stabbed and murdered (and then raped). Talk about a way to ruin your night!

“Alright, murdered then raped? Sorry. That is too much for me.”

Turns out that is what some local serial killer has been doing. She runs, he attacks, she falls off a bridge and hits her head. Wake up later, FREAK OUT! Apparently she comes down with something called Prosopagnosia, or face blindness? Sounds completely made up in the movie. She has trouble recognizing faces. I assume the movie went for the most extreme way of her having this condition. In her class room, all the girls look alike, as do all the boys. When she loses site of a persons face, like looking away and looking back, it looks different to her. A lot of faces just keep changing, including her own.

At first it is hard to notice. Overall, it is just super annoying for the viewers. So, the movie is mostly her being paranoid that the killer will come after her still, in case she does remember how to recognize him. The ending is reminiscent of the classic clone fight scenario. You know. When two people are identical and fighting, and you have to shoot one of them. But you may mess up!

Seriously. This isn’t spoilers. The movie has jerk boyfriends/friends, and a lot of Milla freaking out. I never really care about any other character in the movie. Just wanted the stupid concept movie to be over.

Now Progeria is a P based disease I would love a thriller movie about.

Originally I didn’t see Cracks as a movie that was coming out soon, and would have never even noticed it. But because Marry Me turned out to be a fake movie (a lifetime mini-series? fuck that), I had an open spot and stumbled upon this one!

Three fiances, Lucy Liu? I am calling whore on this.

Anyways, this is an independent “foreign” film, British, and based off of a book of the same name. I’d link you to the wiki, wiki has neither the book or author as a page. Hmmm. Seems not too popular.

It tells of an all girls boarding school, presumably high school level. Or I hope at least. I know what you’re thinking: All girl boarding school? Sounds like Lesbian central. Well, yeah. Felt like it to me at least. Even had an awkward (because they are supposed to be high school girls (I think)) scene where the big group went skinny dipping. Not actually, but portrayed as young titties anyone? The group of girls is a HS dive team, taught by the cool younger hip teacher. But a girl from Spain transfers over, far from her family, and is an excellent diver.

Kind of excellent at everything. Makes the other girls hate her. Jealousy! She gets attention! She is better than them! She should be punished!

The bad part of this movie is that the beginning is too slow. Sure, things happen, most of which are important, but they are at a slow more natural pace. Roughly 70 minutes in, out of 100, is where the real crazy shit happens. That last half hour is very much a series of OH SHIT moments, none of which I will tell you about. You might be able to guess everything that happens, from the earlier clues, but man is it intense.

The teacher is played by Eva Green who has done some things. Most recently she is Morgan in the new Camelot series.

So overall, great ending! Beginning far too slow. Good. Interesting. But still kind of slow. The British must think that Lesbian schools take awhile to get used to.

Yep. Lesbians. All of them.