Tag: Thriller

Another movie that attached it itself to the Hype Train Caboose, It Follows was able to to launch itself from limited release to a full scale wide release in a matter of weeks. Weeks! With a wide release, unfortunately, came a lack of VOD release which was also supposed to happen.

Which is why I took so long to see it! Family life, very busy.

I made sure when I finally got to see it though that I maximized the potential scariness factor. I watched in on the scariest of days at the scariest of times. You know, Wednesday afternoon.

Although watching a horror movie in the middle of a pool might have Wednesday beat.

Girl Jay (Maika Monroe) meets boy Hugh (Jake Weary). Girl dates boy a few times. Boy is a bit weird. Boy lied about his name and home. Boy and girl have sweet sensual car sex. Boy chloroforms girl and ties her up.

Things are not going good for Jay! So when she finally wakes up, Hugh is acting even weirder than normal. Apparently having sex with her has passed “It” on to her. What is It? Well, he doesn’t really know. But apparently It is an entity that will walk towards her always and eventually try to kill her. Yep. And if she dies, it will then go back after Hugh. He got it from a random one night stand. See. Jay just needs to pass it on to someone else, tell them the same thing, and hope it travels far enough from her to never bother her again.

If she believes him. Until then, it is just a terrible rape from a crazy man who lied to her.

Until you know, she actually sees this thing coming toward her at several different times, and no one else can. She enlists her friends help, but they can only do so good, not being able to see it and all. She has her sister (Lili Sepe), a boy who crushes on her (Keir Gilchrist), a neighborhood boy with a car (Daniel Zovatto), and another friend (Olivia Luccardi).

Do you see It? DO YOU SEE?

Alright, imagine if you will a regular-ish person walking towards you, potentially naked, maybe slightly hurt. Just walking. That isn’t too bad. It is like a single zombie that only you can see. Mike Myers was scary because he was a fast walker, had a weapon and a mask.

Well, I was surprised at how frighting it could be. It Follows implores basically zero cheap jump scares. Everything is open and obvious. Sure, a lot of fear comes from the fact that the entity is now suddenly in the general area, but it is never “suddenly there in front of the camera omg scary!”. But this movie isn’t just about fears, or just an interesting STI allegory. It is about the fear of death. It is a bit about the fear of the future in general.

But also this movie is about EXCELLENT camera work and a killer (heh) soundtrack. Most scenes are nicely set up to feel both how big and small the world around you can feel. If you like synthesizers, you will feel at home in this movie.

Again, let me reiterate. I was terrified at many different times throughout the film, fearing for the protagonist and wondering how she could get out of the mess. You know, without sleeping around and passing on the curse to other people. That would be rude, to trick people into sex knowing you would put something like that on them.

Fuck. It Follows was so good, it blew away everything horror wise in 2014. I didn’t give a single scary movie last year a 4 out of 4. Half the year done and I already have one! Maybe Sinister 2 can recreate its predecessor. Highly unlikely, but you never know!

Day 2 of Yay Women Week. I think it works as a theme title, so I have decided to keep it.

Everly came out a couple weeks ago and I picked it to review from both a suggestion and because it looked like it offered something different. I haven’t gotten to do the weirder movies as much as I had wanted recently and it is always good to shoehorn my viewings into the schedule. I blame the fact that too many movies hit theaters clearly. We should just cut out a third of them and make it so they were never made. Everyone would be happier, and more weird shit could get reviewed. Like, when is the last time I watched a shitty sex comedy B-Movie?? Exactly.

Everly is not that, although it does get suggestive at some points. I think the only thing that keeps Everly from qualifying as some sort of exploitation movie is the fact that the lead star people actually recognize.

Ah yes, the star of Fools Rush In.

GUNS AND NAKEDNESS. BANG BANG BOOM. SCREAMING.

That’s how we enter the bathroom of this apartment, where Everly (Salma Hayek) is beaten and freaking out. But hey, she has hidden a gun in her toilet, which she is able to claim and kill several men in her apartment. Da fuq?

Everly is a prostitute apparently. She lives in a complex with a lot of other prostitutes, working for one criminal overlord Taiko (Hiroyuki Watanabe). For whatever reason, he has sent men to kill her. That didn’t work. Guess he is going to have to offer a cash reward to the building to take her out.

This includes other prostitutes, other assassins, some sick motherfuckers, and the boss himself if it comes down to it.

Everly, mostly on her own, just wants to survive and leave the building. And to get in contact with her mother (Laura Cepeda) and daughter (Aisha Ayamah)!! who also end up at the place. Oh fuck.

And then some more guns and violence and guns. And a sadist (Togo Igawa).

Guns a blazin’, and we aren’t talking about the one with the bullets.

Arguably, there is not a lot going on in this movie plot wise. But neither did The Raid: Redemption. It also drops your off RIGHT in the middle of a bunch of shit going down and it makes you keep up. A very hectic movie, constantly moving, with a lot of fucked up scenes.

That is the TL;DR I guessed. It is actually quite lowly rated on IMDB. Surprisingly so. I think that it is just because it is a weird and non standard movie, most people just shrug it off immediately. One of those, “Well, it wasn’t in theaters, so it must suck and can’t win awards!”. One of those is true. No awards will be won.

But will you be entertained? Highly probably. If not you will be just grossed out and kind of hate it. I guess it could go either way.

If you think it is the type of thing that sounds exciting, you will in fact enjoy this movie. If you are iffy, then definitely don’t watch it. You will probably hate it. Simple enough!

Final day of Blackweek which also means I can pick almost anything I want! After all, since Black Mass isn’t out yet, I don’t have any other super new 2015 movies to review.

And I really had no idea what I wanted to watch. So as I often do in this situation, I went to Netflix and just searched around. This time was a bit easier, as I also got to search for the word “Black” and narrow down my results pretty significantly.

The reason I settled on Black Rock is for a few reasons. One, I didn’t have any horror-esque movies this week, just a thriller. And honestly a lot of horror movies have “Black” in the title. Secondly, out of all five or so movies I could have actually picked from that fit all my requirements, this is the only one I had heard of. With people I knew in it. And it wasn’t made for TV!

And familiarity leads to happy reviews because I can name drop facts or past reviews the actors have been in! We call that movie synergy.

We call this boat workingy.

Girls just wanna have fu-un. That’s what they really waaa-a-aa-aannnt. And to not die. But back up a bit.

Sarah (Kate Bosworth), Lou (Lake Bell), and Abby (Katie Aselton) have been friends since they were kids. And when they were kids, they used to go to a local island to play games, build forts, do outdoorsy things, probably experiment sexually. I don’t know, I don’t know what kids do on islands. The only book I read about it was pretty fucked up though.

They have some issues now, but they want to put the past behind and enjoy each others company. Well, while out gallivanting and arguing, they run into three hunters (Will Bouvier, Jay Paulson, Anslem Richardson), and hang out with them. They party with them! These guys all fought in the war too, but they are back. And then they DRINK with them. Well, one of our ladies gets flirty and starts to make out with one of our dudes. But he goes farther than she wants, and won’t stop when she wants him to stop. So she flails and hits him on the head with a rock.

Fatally. A black rock, maybe. Who can tell, it was night time. Other two hunters don’t like this and beat up the ladies and don’t know what to do. Well, they end up escaping, so now dudes with guns are looking for them on an island and they don’t have anything to help them. Ruh roh. Fucking hunters.

This is how you all must feel, having received zero movie synergy after my tease up.

Wait wait wait wait wait let me check something. The rating. “Rated R for some strong violence, pervasive language, sexual references and brief graphic nudity”.

BRIEF GRAPHIC NUDITY MY ASS (heh). That means a flash of a body. There was about ten minutes of naked women in the last 30 minutes of the movie. Nothing was brief about that. Did the MPAA not watch that? It was a very surprising scene, needless to say. It was a scene that you’d imagine as being very quick but you know. Ten fucking minutes. It is an eighty minute movie. A huge percentage of it is just nakedness.

Speaking of how long this movie is, I honestly feel the biggest issue is that it should be even shorter. There was not enough story to make it last. The first part of the movie, the set up, the trip to the island, the chick bonding. I don’t remember how long that lasted, but it just seemed to drag. It obviously started to speed up once we introduced the dudes, but the intro was slow.

Overall, I was surprised by how brutal the whole movie felt. It wasn’t a normal thriller/horror, as it was going for a realistic vibe. And it showed. You see the ladies up there? Beat up, cut up, black eyes. It only gets worse. Simple things seem to take people down and nothing is super movie like.

It was so real, I definitely wouldn’t want to watch it again, let’s say that. But also, not fantastic enough to warrant a second viewing either.

Day 2 of Blackweek!

Day 1 featured Blackhat, so we are going to remove our clothing and take a dive in the Black Sea instead.

I’d make a corny joke about what this movie is about and act surprised when it is something different. But how could I do that? It is called Black Sea! That is a real place, right there above Turkey. Huge as shit, important to history. Can’t miss it.

If this movie doesn’t feature the actual Black Sea, I will quit my job as a movie reviewer!

And drive a submarine into the job territory known as “Film Critic Land”.

Under water salvaging can be a tricky job, but someone has to clean that ocean litter. I have been told prisoners are not up to the job, so instead, real people do it and get paid! Like Robinson (Jude Law). Or at least, he used to get paid. Now he is laid off, his company doesn’t want him anymore, his job “redundant.”

But the good news is, now that he is jobless, he has free time to do crazy things. Like get a crew together and search for a rumored Nazi gold! Apparently a U-Boat sunk off the coast of Georgia (IN THE BLACK SEA) with millions and millions of dollars worth of gold bars in it. Some shit involving Germany and Russia. No one has been able to find it, but no one has had Robinson’s skills.

So he gets a backer, a mysterious Lewis (Tobias Menzies) agrees to fund the expedition for 40% of the profits. He gets a crew, half British (like him!) and half Russian (for reasons). They get a really shitty beat up sub and head on down!

But first, they have extra crew. Like Tobin (Bobby Schofield), a neighborhood kid who Robinson brought along for other reasons. And Daniels (Scoot McNairy), a representative of Mr. Lewis.

Our crew only has one translator though between the sets. And a whole lot of money on the line. People migh get all antsy and want to make their cuts a bit bigger. And hey, maybe there are even more twists and turns in line. MAYBE.

Also featuring Grigoriy Cobrygin, Ben Mendelsohn, and Konstantin Khabenskiy.

The movies initials may be BS but this Nazi gold sure is for real!

For the most part, I wouldn’t say I am ever really a fan of submarine movies. I mean, did you see Phantom? That totally was a real movie a couple years ago. Like a submarine itself, submarine movies are kind of limited in terms of what one can do with them. Only so many things can happen on a sub, so a lot of submarine stories end up using the same sort of events. There can only really be one Das Boot.

Despite this, Black Sea had a lot going for it. Enough unique members with a few different desires to make it not a complete one man Jude Law show. It wasn’t just a weird murder mystery thriller. That is what I was most afraid of. And speaking of Jude Law, he did a pretty swell job.

My main issue with it all is the ending. It was lame and cheesy and expected. I was getting pretty excited with how things were going, I was getting super into the story. Then the ending. Meh. I should also note the beginning of the movie is pretty dang slow. It takes awhile to get on the damn submarine, but once they do it, it goes up pretty quickly.

True Story is a True Story! And given the cast, it is going to be a hilarious romp about a real life situation that is probably grossly exaggerated!

Or or or or! No, maybe this is a pseudo-sequel to This Is The End? Our main characters playing themselves, maybe pre-Apocalypse!

Wait. What? This is a Drama/Thriller? But but…the cast. This doesn’t make sense.

I think I need a moment before I write this review. Please close the page and come back in ten minutes to finish it to let it all sink in.

We can wait all day.

Michael Finkel (Jonah Hill) is a reporter for the New York Times and Christian Longo (James Franco) is a prisoner who maybe murdered his wife and three kids!

Basically twins. Finkel only learns about Longo after he was found in Mexico, using Finkel’s name as an alias. Finkel had his own problems, like maybe fabricating details of a story about African refugees to make it sound worse for one guy. But at least his problems don’t involve murdering his family.

So Finkel heads over to Longo in prison to figure out his story. Figure out why he was using his name. Figure out what lead him to his current situation. You know, the mind of a killer. Or the mind of someone in a terrible situation. Hey, that’d be a good book probably. Finkel should write it. Yeah.

And Felicity Jones is in this movie! The main 3 all Academy Award nominated people! She is Finkel’s wife. And Ethan Suplee is in this movie! Not nominated though. And not a wife.

If prison movies have taught me anything, men can be wives as well.

This movie is directed by Rupert Goold. Haven’t heard of him? Well, this is his first movie, his only other directing coming from two TV shows of British TV. I think for a first time movie, he did a good job.

Now, the first third to maybe even half felt incredibly slow to me. And a drab boring. It was reducing me to close my eyes quite frequently. Despite that, throughout the film the shots were normally set up beautifully. Good framing and a lot of longer shots allowing the actors to act.

At times, it did feel like too much though. Too much time of characters just staring off into distance, feeling angsty, with dark brooding music. Too much of the film trying to turn it into a bigger mystery than it really ended up being. It doesn’t help that Franco’s character has the slowest talking voice ever.

It was an okay movie, and again, some of the acting was top notch at some point. Felicity Jones felt mostly wasted outside of one pretty intense scene. Some very good visuals. But really a movie I probably wont want to see again for a long time.

Shit. Do any pictures of this movie exist that aren’t just of these guys talking at a prison? Looking accross the internet that is basically it, minus a courtroom picture or two of Franco, but they look the same as well given the outfits.

Oh here’s another.

2 out of 4.

The Voices is a movie that came out in early February that I really wanted to see as soon as I heard the plot. But I am not talking about the plot right now, I am talking about Ryan Reynolds.

He had a relatively quiet year in 2014, but that is because he was working so hard to make 2015 a full year for himself. First with this movie, we have at least three other movies where he is the star or a main star coming out this year, across all genres. Family drama, dark comedy, action, sci-fi-drama. How diverse, Ryan! You really want to get away from the stoner comedies! And let’s not forget that next year he gets to be a Superhero and an animated voice again. Jeez.

Maybe it is just that he got himself a better agent. Or maybe ScarJo was holding him back and Blake Lively is actually good at something?

…Yeah, you’re right. Probably the agent.

All he really wanted was to dance more in his movies. The Sam Rockwell clause, if you will.

Jerry (Ryan Reynolds) is just you average loner guy. He doesn’t have a lot of skills, working as a worker in a factory that makes toilets. Like, lifting and boxing. Very minimal skills. He lives alone with his two pets, a cat, Mr. Whiskers (Ryan Reynolds) and a dog, Bosco (Ryan Reynolds). No, don’t worry, he isn’t dressed up as his pets. He is just their voices, because they totally can talk!

Well, only to him. No one else can hear them. Did I mention Jerry had an abusive child hood, where some seriously fucked up shit went down? Yeah. He is taking pills for his head voices, from his therapist Dr. Warren (Jacki Weaver). But the pills make the world a much sadder place and make everyone seem mean. No, he is happier without the pills.

After all, there is a cutie at work Fiona (Gemma Arterton) who gave him notice and danced with him at the holiday party! So he likes her back. But maybe she didn’t like him too much and she was just friendly. Oh well, either way, they should date.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t have many people to ask advice too, because he doesn’t have any real friends. Guess his pets will have to do. And his cat his a straight up dick. Also featuring Anna Kendrick and Ella Smith as the rest of the accounting department at his work!

In retrospect, maybe he should have played has the animals in costumes as well. It worked for Wilfred!

Yeah, we get to see Ryan Reynolds play a serial killer and make some pet voices too. Hooray! The first thing I noticed while watching this movie is that it was carefully crafted visually. Someone knew exactly what they wanted to show and how to show it. And the visuals again, were great. The use of color, the difference between his life on and off pills, how other people perceive him, all great. The next thing I really enjoyed was…Ryan Reynolds!

Hey, that is pretty good, because he is the star/main character of this movie. But he actually acts. He isn’t the douche bag role, or a simpleton nice guy. He is a full character and it was kind of impressive. Not sure if because I don’t expect that much from Ryan or what, but I really enjoyed it. Sure, his voices were fun too.

If I had any issues with it, I would just say I didn’t like the ending as much. Things started to unravel, everything went crazy, Jerry was losing it, which all makes sense. But the actual ending just felt a bit of a let down. I was expecting something more, and it just didn’t keep up the momentum that was building. Now the credits were great though. Hell yes to those credits.

Overall, still, a very interesting an enjoyable film. After all, it is pretty weird, and I fucking love weird.

I can’t remember the first time I heard about the movie The Loft. I do know that it was supposed to come out in the fall of last year, but the date was pushed back til 2015, thanks to As Above, So Below.

Apparently, they were deemed to close and needed a breathing room of about 5-6 months between films. Huh.

Oh, because this is a thriller. A sexy thriller. With multiple people who have been in movies based on comics! Whoa. What could go wrong!

Well, it could be a total sausage fest I guess.

Five men. One room. Lots and lots of extramarital affairs. For whatever reason, let’s just say the extreme influence of a couple of individuals, they all wanted to cheat on their wives. So if they all put in together for a nice Loft in the city, they could go there at any point, sleep with their lady friend, and their wives wouldn’t know. Wouldn’t have to buy hotel rooms, they would be the only ones with a key. Nothing could go wrong.

UNTIL THEY SHOW UP ONE MORNING AND FIND A DEAD HOOKER ON THE BED.

Not just any dead hooker. Sarah Deakins (Isabel Lucas), who most of them had a relationship with in one way or another at some point. Not talking sex. But just general interactions with.

So five guys, five keys. Who did it? Who killed the woman? They can’t just call the police, or else all of their relationships will be rightfully ruined. So through a series of mostly flashbacks, the occasional police interrogation, and just general shouting match, we can maybe piece together who did what. Why people did things. And just who the hell is a killer?

It could be any of these men! James Marsden, Karl Urban, Wentworth Miller, Matthias Schoenaerts, or even Eric Stonestreet. Just, big gay man on Modern Family, Eric Stonestreet.

“I’ve never seen so many dead hookers in all my life!”

There isn’t a lot to say about this movie.

It was boring, it was dull, it was convoluted. Everyone is a scum bag, which is a hard film to watch. No one is the guy to root for, you just want them all to lose. Everyone sucks, some people just suck a little bit more.

And really, it was hard to follow at points. With flashbacks, interrogation scenes, and real time, it tried to build up suspense, but made me check the time left instead.

If I had to say one good thing about this movie is that sometimes…every once in awhile, the camera work was pretty nice. I guess? The only other thing I could say is…uhhh.

Well shit. That’s about it. Some nice camera work. Fuck this boring movie.

I know. I missed out on a lot of January movies this year. They are slowly trickling down to me though. And I need to watch them all too. How else can I make a worst of the year list if I don’t see some of the best potential films that January want to offer me?!

I already saw Taken 3. But now I get to see The Boy Next Door.

Title wise, I only have to compare it to The Girl Next Door. And despite how much my younger self was really really excited to watch it for…reasons. I was left disappointed and never looked back. Little did I know how January this movie would be.

They had an exact replica of the room I write reviews in this movie!

Claire Peterson (Jennifer Lopez) is an English teacher at a high school. If her job profession didn’t bore you, the actress probably did. She is getting divorced from her husband (John Corbett), obviously, because that is really the only person she could get divorced from. He cheated. They have a teenage kid, Kevin (Ian Nelson). Ho hum.

Well, gossip time. A boy moved next door. Noah Sandborn (Ryan Guzman), just moved in with his grandpa in a wheelchair. He is going to help out. Such a nice guy. He also likes English Literature, like The Iliad. And he is friends with Kevin! And he helps out at the house too. And he apparently looks good naked.

Anyways. Claire and Noah have some of that sex thing. She was feeling bad. He was around. Kind of a mistake, since he is also in high school. Now in HER high school. Sex with a student is uncomfortable.

Especially when he transfers to her class. Starts hanging around a lot more. Starts getting threatening/agressive. Prints pictures of them naked together. You know, classic courting techniques. Turns out Noah has a not so spotless past. Mistakes have been made, and Noah might be a little bit too threatening. Dun dun dunn.

Also with Kristin Chenoweth as another teacher. She serves a role in this movie.

“Looks your in the kitchen. Allow me to grope your butt?”

The best way to indicate sleep through text is to just type the letter “Z” a lot. But I don’t think I could hold down that keyboard button long enough to indicate how much I would have rather slept than watch this movie. It didn’t even have the common courtesy to put me to sleep. My eyes were wide awake the entire time as I watched a terribly acted, terrible plotted, movie.

I can’t think of a single nice thing to say about it. Jennifer Lopez? Why the fuck is she in movies at all? Why were both the female leads singers in the first place? I mean, sure, Chenoweth has been decent in some things before, because at least she is in Musicals. But J-Lo ain’t in anything good. She doesn’t fit this movie at all, or her character.

It is uncomfortable, but not in a good way. It is uncomfortable because of just how pointless and shitty the whole film feels. It wasn’t ever scary, outside of knowledge that someone let this movie get made. Not only was it devoid of thrills, it was also devoid of any real risks. Anything to make it separate itself from straight to DVD horror films. I’d rather watch a straight to DVD horror film. At least someone of significance might at least die or something. Jeez.

No Good Deed is my first negative experience with a company screwing over a critic. Well, first and only.

Days before No Good Deed was set to come out, all screenings around the US were canceled. Press, public, and otherwise. Why? Well, this is the message that came with it:

Screen Gems has decided to cancel the advance screenings of NO GOOD DEED. There is a plot twist in the film that they do not want to reveal as it will affect the audiences’ experience when they see the film in theaters. Screen Gems apologizes for any inconvenience.

Yep, that says a lot there. Namely that hey, there is a big plot twist. Thanks for that, assholes. And since when have movies with plot twists been spoiled ahead of time by reviewers? I am sure it happens, but is it a big deal? Not at all. Most people don’t actively look for the twists, most people ignore it.

This was when I was still seeing everything I could in theaters, but I figured because of their shenanigans, I knew I’d wait til I could rent it for next to nothing and not reward them for this crap.

And I was excited to see it too. It hurt me, when the film left me. It hurt deep down.

It felt like a rain cloud was following me around for weeks.

Colin (Idris Elba) is a bad guy, maybe a sociopath. He was in prison for five years and up for parole. They got him for a manslaughter charge, but his crimes have also been linked to more than one missing woman. They just couldn’t prove anything. So just a manslaughter charge. Families are mad that he is up for parole. Well, obviously, he doesn’t get it, no matter how reformed he looks.

Well, he says screw that, and escapes from the transport anyways. What a bunch of dicks, not letting his reformed ass out of jail. So he goes to his old lover’s house (Kate del Castillo), finds out she has been cheating, and you know, kills her. She wasn’t faithful to him!

While driving away, he gets into an accident, and walks to a nearby house. Pouring rain, late at night, pretty bad times. Terry (Taraji P. Henson) is home alone with her baby and little girl. Her husband (Henry Simmons) is away on a golf trip with his dad for his dad’s birthday. So after a bit of help, she trusts him enough to let him in, dry off and wait for the tow truck. Things get even more interesting when her BFF (Leslie Bibb) shows up for their girl’s night.

But clearly Colin is messed up in the head. And Terry is for the most part alone with someone she doesn’t realize is dangerous. Is she going to get punished for helping a stranger? For doing a GOOD DEED?

Hot dogs and mac and cheese? What is she, six?
Oh. Yeah, she does look six. Carry on.

Something something plot twist. That was IT? That was the big moment? I am going to talk about the plot twist so hard, without spoiling it, because that is what they didn’t want me to do. Sure, I am pretending I am a big shot movie critic who has some clout, not just a dude with a website, but shush. It happened, it didn’t make the movie better, it just attempted to add some sense to everything.

It was more or less a plot point, not a plot twist. Twist implies some sort of change, whether it be in direction or maybe just a loop di loop. So the twist is terrible, which doesn’t help the movie.

The movie itself has very little character development. I thought I would get a shit ton out of something that Elba agreed to be in, but he is as cardboard-y as the rest of the cast. I think the movie moved too slow, too slow for a suspenseful movie.

I don’t know what else to say about it either. Not to entertaining, and the big twist couldn’t save it.

Due to the way my website works, I am now missing a lot more movies when they are in theaters. I have to decide every week what I want to watch, as I only let myself go to one pre-screening per week except for special circumstances. So some movies fall by the wayside. What did I see instead of John Wick? I don’t even remember. I know I didn’t see Nightcrawler to see Birdman, which was technically the right choice, but Nightcrawler ended up being pretty sexy on its own right.

But everyone already has over-hyped this movie for me. Is it cool to like Keanu again? Sweet! Because I actually liked his last two projects, Man of Tai Chi and 47 Ronin. But if everyone likes this one, then I might love it. Yay Keanu! Yay good publicity! Yay generic as fuck sounding action movies!

How bad ass could his character be, needing to use a sight and all?

John “Leave Me Alone” Wick (Keanu Reeves) has a mysterious past, like most movie characters that are new properties that aren’t based on real live people. But we know he used to be happy. He had a wife. A lover. A soul mate. But now she is gone. No foul play or anything, just a normal bitchy disease that took her life. They knew it was coming. It still hurts though.

And then John gets a package in the mail. A puppy. A fucking puppy?! Yes, a fucking puppy. This puppy, Daisy, was actually arranged to be sent to him from his now dead wife. She wanted to leave him something to help him cope and what better way to cope than A FUCKING PUPPY NAMED DAISY. Seriously guys.

Well, thanks to a small altercation, he ends up pissing up some Russian street thugs. Namely, Iosef (Alfie Allen) really liked his car and wanted to buy it. John tells him no and responds in Russian angering him. So they follow him home, break into his house, KILL HIS NEW PUPPY FROM HIS DEAD WIFE and steal his car. What in the fuck, Russia? What in the fuck?

Unfortunately for the Russians, literally everyone kind of recognizes his car in the car shops, including Iosef’s dad, Viggo Tarasov (Michael Nyqvist). Why? Oh, because John Fucking Wick used to be a hitman for them. Their own Boogieman, who could kill anyone or anything that they wanted. But he retired and got out of the business to be with his woman, promising never to kill again basically.

But then, you know. Dude’s Daisy is dead. So a revenge flick like any other, Wick has to take down the whole organization to feel at peace. Or will it really help?

Also featuring Willem Dafoe, Dean Winters, Adrianne Palicki, John Leguizamo, Ian McShane, and Lance Reddick.

“Iosef, Iosef, rhymes with …fuck, I dunno”

Action packed AND I actually feel sympathy for the main character. This is a great change in my mindset. I am used to getting shitty action movies with un-sympathetic anti-heroes, or just tough guys who have bullets bouncing off their chest, or just action movies without a plot. BUT THIS HAS PLOT AND ACTION. I was freaking out. Because the plot was pretty good, despite being something one could break down into “guy gets revenge on the mob” type of flick. I felt some fear for his life.

On TOP of that (more caps is better right?), the action was also interesting to watch. Some work went into the choreography. Work definitely went into the cinematography. Someone cared behind the helm of this movie and didn’t want just another forgettable movie. My mind is blown. When I first saw a picture for the movie, it was so generic and boring. Well, there might have been a turtle neck, which would have been the only odd thing (outside of Archer).

Keanu was a great man to carry this film. I don’t know if it is due to his own really sad life, or the sad Keanu meme, but his angst was apparent the whole movie. It looked like he carried the weight of the world on his manly shoulders.

John Wick is easily a nice recommendable action movie from 2014. I know it sounds like I am describing a 4 out of 4 movies, but I feel like The Raid 2‘s existence kind of makes it hard for me to elevate any other action movie up to its level. I bet John Wick had faults or things I disliked, I just can’t remember them right now. Shhh.