Tag: Julianne Hough

Dirty Grandpa

Watching January movies is important for a movie reviewer, but usually I like to wait until near the end to catch half of them. As of right now, once this review for Dirty Grandpa is finished, I only have one more major January movie to watch. Holy shit, it isn’t even halfway through the year!

I am on the “expected to be shitty” ball this year, which means for the most part, the rest of the year should be mostly quality, right? Right?

Another special fact about this review: It is the first review on this site chosen by my Patrons who are at the $5 level or above! There was a poll and everything for what movie would be today, and they wanted Dirty Grandpa. My Patrons are jerks.

If you want to be a jerk as well, feel free to check out the rewards!

Shirtless Efron
I am contractually obligated now to always include a picture of Shirtless Efron if it happens in the movie.

Death! Death is the reason this movie takes place. The grandmother of Jason Kelly (Zac Efron) has passed away, so the family has to get together for the funeral. Jason used to be close to his grandfather, Dick (Robert De Niro) thanks to Jason’s job as a lawyer keeping him busy.

But Jason is getting married to Meredith (Julianne Hough) in a week! And for some reason, his grandpa wants him to drive him to his home in Florida, taking some time off from work and wedding planning.

And guess what? His grandpa is crass. And horny. He hasn’t had sex in 15 years and he just wants to get laid. The good news is that they run into a group heading to Daytona. Shadia (Zoey Deutch), a former class mate of Jason, Lenore (Aubrey Plaza), who needs to have sex with a professor before she graduates (because she said so), and Bradley (Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman), their gay black friend.

Sure, Dick lies about being a professor, but if it works it works. Time to force Jason to party and reconsider his life choices and lie to college chicks!

Also featuring Danny Glover, Adam Pally, Jason Mantzoukas, and Dermot Mulroney.

I am not contractually obligated to show suggestive images, but research shows they bring the clicks.

Whenever I come across a new Robert De Niro movie, I tend to cringe. He hasn’t given a fuck for a long time. He is old, he just wants the money. He did all the good movies in his middle ages, and now he does Last Vegas and Grudge Match. Basically, he is a sign that the movie probably will suck.

And the signs, they are still right.

The movie plays out exactly as one would imagine it does, except with fewer naked bodies than one would expect. De Niro says outlandish things for an old man, people react strangely, and repeat.

There are some nice surprises. Mantzoukas was hilarious in every scene and possibly some of the best work he has ever done outside of The League. Pally as the cousin made me laugh. But the majority of the film is just normal “shocking” humor, over and over. Very little of the film feels unique. It had potential if they fully embraced the Dirty Grandpa aspects, but instead it is a soft R and not hardcore, like say Bad Santa.

A skippable comedy easily, but not the worst that January had to offer.

1 out of 4.

Safe Haven

Blah blah, Nicholas Sparks, blah blah Valentine’s Day, blah blah, bow chicka bow wow.

Safe Haven.

Aww yeah. Kiss her. Right on the mouth. There you go. This is what we paid for.

Safe Haven of course opens with Katie (Julianne Hough) having her hands covered in blood. Wait, what? Okay, that is different.

She is running from the law, apparently. Dyes her hair blonde, gets on a bus to Atlanta, and barely makes it out in time. That detective Tierney (David Lyons) is super frustrated, probably because he just let a murderer or something go home free.

But on the way there, she decides to stop in the city of Southport, North Carolina, which is nothing like Boston. Yeah, that is a good place to hide away, small town, nice beach, everything is cheap there. In fact, getting a nice secluded house was also pretty dang easy, and a job. Well done, Katie. Well done. She only has one neighbor, the boring and seemingly needy Jo (Cobie Smulders) who always wants to hang out at Katie’s house and hook her up, while bitching about being stuck in NC.

Either way, she feels safe in this (I guess you could call it) haven that she has found, and starts getting a little bit interested in the local clerk Alex (Josh Duhamel). He has two young kids, had a wife, but she died of that cancer thing. Bad times. But his (uncle? Old friend who also works at the shop? Red West?) convinces him he too must move on, and they do that romance thing.

I’d say more, but that ruins the surprises.

Trying to figure out why the cop is a giant douche bag is half of the fun!

Real quick, two fun things.

One, this was filmed on location in Southport, NC. Basically every thing he said about it was true, down to their festivals. Even the phone area code, well done Sparky. But it isn’t too impressive, since he has filmed multiple films there already, even if not based in it.

Two, in terms of chemistry, Duhamel and Hough have got it. It seemed and felt real, unlike a few other movies I have seen of his. Like, high quality. They were great together.

The issues of the film come, as expected, from the plot and characters in it. I explained my frustration with Jo. Like, zero depth to her character, and she felt awkward the whole movie. I cared zero about Jo, just that she seemed weird.

The cop on her case, until we find out more, is just a drunk asshole, who keeps breaking the law to find her location. It doesn’t make sense early on, and gives us zero time to actually assume she did something wrong, because we are too busy hating the cop the entire film.

And lastly. HOLY FUCK THAT ENDING. NO. NO NO NO. NOOOOO. WHAT?! Come on Sparks. You were sailing. Good stuff was happening. Then you throw, THAT at us? Do you hate your fans? That ending is just, so bad. I wish I could tell you without feeling like an asshat. If you want spoilers, you can request them (and probably read a wiki outline or something on them faster).

Overall, I would say the majority of the story ended up being one of my favorite stories by Sparks, but uhh. Certain elements kind of kill it for me. Like a lot.

2 out of 4.

Rock Of Ages

Rock Of Ages is probably going to be another biased review. I’ve had the soundtrack for the musical for probably a couple years now. Wanted to see it since I first heard about it and love the soundtrack. Lots of mixes between songs, and interesting ways to do them. So when I heard about the movie version, I knew I had to see it as well.

So finally, months later, I got a chance to, hooray! Time to rawwwk!

I said rawk, damn it. Not stand their and look solemn.

This story is mainly about a small town girl and a city boy. Drew Boley (Diego Boneta) is working as a bar aid at the famous The Bourbon, a concert hall / bar in LA. A city some may say was built on rock and roll. Sherrie Christian (Julianne Hough) had just arrived from Oklahoma and looking to be a famous singer! She of course gets mugged right away, and Drew kind of saves her. But not really. They immediately hit it off, and Drew gets her a job as a waitress at the Bourbon, despite the owner, Dennis Dupree’s (Alec Baldwin), negative reaction to it. But thankfully Lonny (Russel Brand), the second in command and MC seems pretty cool with it all.

A new mayor is getting elected in LA, Mike Whitmore (Bryan Cranston) who’s wife, Patricia (Catherine Zeta-Jones) is going to help clean up the streets. Using good christian values, and the best way to do that is to get rid of rock and roll! The center of it all, The Bourbon. Who also happen to be having tax problems.

But no worries, Arsenal, the kickest ass band ever, who played their first gig at The Bourbon is coming the next night to play their final gig, before frontman Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise) starts his solo career. Big money time! And Drew is going to get to open for them! Oh man! Everything is going wonderful!

Until it doesn’t. Sexy stuff happens, miss-communications, Stacee is a crazy ass person, and love dies. The dream dies. The Christians win? With Malin Akerman as Rolling Stones reporter trying to find the real Stacee Jaxx, Mary J. Blige as a strip club owner, Paul Giamatti as scumbag manager, and Will Forte as local news reporter, will they eventually be able to save The Bourbon from being demolished? Will they ever stop believing?

dance dance
Will they actually hit them with their best shot?

It should be noted that this musical, although the characters don’t know they are in a musical (like some of them do in Broadway) definitely makes fun of itself, and isn’t going for a serious thing. They just want nothing but a good time. And I belive they definitely deliver. The music is fun and catchy, lots of great songs and mash ups, and yet it is incredibly different from the broadway version.

I’m not negatively comparing, just noting, they have entirely different plots, and only the same main main characters. This lead to awesome moments, like the church dance scene for Hit Me With Your Best shot. Unfortuantely that was my second favorite song on the original soundtrack, as it had a german guy singing it, and it sounded amazing. Similarly, my favorite song was a mash up of Heaven / More Than Words / To Be With You, but in the movie they took out the Mr. Big parts, so no mash ups were ever 3+ songs.

They also in general had to cut out a lot of songs, and added new one ins, but kept some of the jokes. I mean, making the girl named Sherrie still, but cutting out Oh Sherrie? That’s just cruel.

But besides that, the movie felt pretty awesome. Some problems include Sherrie doing pretty much the same thing in every song it felt like (walking down the street belting lyrics. every damn time) and once they introduce Mary J. Blige she was also pretty much a part of every song after that, despite barely making sense.

But hey. The REO Speedwagon duet between Baldwin and Brand is reason alone to see this musical.

3 out of 4.


Footloose is the (hopefully) obvious remake of the classic from the 80s. It was the movie that arguably put Kevin Bacon on the map as a future movie threat. Could this remake do the same thing for Kenny Wormald, whose previous roles included “Dancer” on You Got Served and “Dancer” on Clerks II?

You better be looking at the guy in the pink.

Kenny plays the lead, not Zac Efron as originally planned (because he didn’t want to be typecasted? Too late).

Movie starts out with people drinking and partying. They are even dancing to the Footloose song. Bitches love that song. Then they get into a car wreck, accident, and the car literally explodes. It is so ridiculous looking. Because of this, the town council, lead by pastor Dennis Quaid, initiate a curfew for the people under 18 in the town. Not only that, but they ban drugs and alcohol (dumb, because that would already be illegal), but dancing. Logic is in there somewhere, try and find it. His wife is played by Andie MacDowell.

Three years later, Kenny comes to live with his Uncle who works a repair shop, all the way from Bawston. He fixes up an old beetle, drives around listening to rock, and yes, gets a ticket. Loud music is bad here. All the adults think he is a bad addition to their community. He almost gets in a fight with a redneck right away, but the guy instead ends up his loyal friend, played by Miles Teller. He can’t dance.

He also meets Ariel (Julianna Hough) the daughter of the preacher man, and her kind of boyfriend, Chuck (Patrick John Flueger). Can he get through his senior year without getting arrested? Can he lift the dancing ban? Can he get it on with the preacher’s daughter? If you’ve seen Footloose, you already know.

…Hot damn.

But for real. The plot is pretty damn similar to the original footloose. All the characters even have the same name. The reasoning for the ban is the same, as are the relationships. What is different?

Well uhh. I think this one had more hidden dance scenes than the first footloose, cant remember. In the original, he moves out here with his mother, and his “bad ways” hurt his uncles business. In the new one, he moves out here because his mom died of cancer, and his uncle is always on his side (and no talk of hurt business).

He is still a gymnast in this movie, but the town has no gymnast team. He still does the “angry dance”, and the prom is still held in the same place. Little bit different stuff with the pastor again.

Kenny is not as charismatic as Kevin Bacon though. He does an okay job, but hard to live up to that role. I was really impressed with Miles Teller, playing the “can’t dance redneck friend who eventually can dance”. And dance could he. Took me awhile to ealize that yes, I had seen him in a movie before. He was the “kid” in Rabbit Hole, my first 4/4 movie on the site.

But overall I feel like this is a pretty enjoyable movie. I was surprised to find it as a PG-13, but when I noticed the language and sexuality, it made sense. The dancing was great, song choices okay. Nothing I hated. The “line dancing country bar dance” was one of my favorite, and of course everyone flipping their shit at the end of the movie.

3 out of 4.