Tag: 3 out of 4

Originally I didn’t see Cracks as a movie that was coming out soon, and would have never even noticed it. But because Marry Me turned out to be a fake movie (a lifetime mini-series? fuck that), I had an open spot and stumbled upon this one!

Three fiances, Lucy Liu? I am calling whore on this.

Anyways, this is an independent “foreign” film, British, and based off of a book of the same name. I’d link you to the wiki, wiki has neither the book or author as a page. Hmmm. Seems not too popular.

It tells of an all girls boarding school, presumably high school level. Or I hope at least. I know what you’re thinking: All girl boarding school? Sounds like Lesbian central. Well, yeah. Felt like it to me at least. Even had an awkward (because they are supposed to be high school girls (I think)) scene where the big group went skinny dipping. Not actually, but portrayed as young titties anyone? The group of girls is a HS dive team, taught by the cool younger hip teacher. But a girl from Spain transfers over, far from her family, and is an excellent diver.

Kind of excellent at everything. Makes the other girls hate her. Jealousy! She gets attention! She is better than them! She should be punished!

The bad part of this movie is that the beginning is too slow. Sure, things happen, most of which are important, but they are at a slow more natural pace. Roughly 70 minutes in, out of 100, is where the real crazy shit happens. That last half hour is very much a series of OH SHIT moments, none of which I will tell you about. You might be able to guess everything that happens, from the earlier clues, but man is it intense.

The teacher is played by Eva Green who has done some things. Most recently she is Morgan in the new Camelot series.

So overall, great ending! Beginning far too slow. Good. Interesting. But still kind of slow. The British must think that Lesbian schools take awhile to get used to.

Yep. Lesbians. All of them.

I Love You, Man is my first review of a movie that has been requested of me. Every movie I have seen (except for a few I saw in theaters) have been based off of one time viewings only. I owned this DVD already, so I had seen it once or twice before, so this review is more than a first reaction. Oh boy! I will have to do more reviews of things I have already seen, to help bring an influx of reviews to the site.

If anything, this movie can win an award for being one of the few movies where you don’t immediately hate yourself a bit because Jaime Pressly is in it. Yay small roles! I am however fine with her in TV shows.

“Hey Darnell!”

Most of you know the movie, but it stars Paul Rudd, about to get married to Rashida Jones, but they come to the realization he doesn’t really have any male friends. Not even his family can think of any (Parents, J.K. Simmons and Jane Curtin, brother is Andy Samberg).

So Rudd has to try to find new friends, going on a few mandates and failing miserably. Thankfully at a house showing of Lou Ferrigno‘s house, he meets Jason Segel, and the rest is history! The film explores how hard it is to make friends when your older. Even though it isn’t an Apatow movie, it still has the awkwardness down to a T.

What really makes this movie is the chemistry between Rudd and Segel. I found Rashida Jones to not be as good in it the movie, but eh, not everyone can be perfect. The movie does a good job of making you feel annoyed at the annoying parts. I could go the rest of my life without hearing Slappin’ Da Bass, which was an obviously bad inside joke in the movie, yet for some reason people like to bring that annoyingly bad saying into my real life conversations with them. Fuckers.

Although a very decent movie, it is probably one best enjoyed with many months of downtimes between viewings.

By now you probably know, if there can be a Hulk image, there will be.

3 out of 4.

I first saw the preview for Conviction on the movie Never Let Me Go. It also had previews for things like 127 Hours, Black Swan (which is acclaimed, despite my dislike) and Cyrus (which I will have to watch soon).

Anyways readers, help me out. Hilary Swank‘s voice. Does she always do accents? Is her voice just super…southern a lot of times? I looked up a Million Dollar Baby trailer, and it seemed similar to Conviction, and I don’t remember how her voice was in that. But in an interview, I couldn’t tell if it was weird or what. So let me know, does she have an intense accent, or is she acting it in all these movies?

To me her voice is almost as mysterious as her goofy smile.

This is another true story. Sam Rockwell goes to jail for a murder he didn’t commit in the 80s. Swank goes to school to get her GED then BA then Law Degree while being a single mother and divorcee. She eventually gets DNA proof of innocence, but still cannot free brother. More problems, more solutions, until everyone is happy. Yay! Just took 18 years out of the dude’s life, but everything worked out well!

Obviously Rockwell isn’t the focal point of this movie, he does a fine job, but it is all pretty much on Swank’s shoulders. More or less this is one of those “punch you in the face yet somehow you still keep moving on” movies, in her journey to freeing her brother from prison. I really didn’t think I would tag this actress more than once, but Ari Graynor, my favorite part of Lucky, played the daughter of Rockwell, that he of course never got to know. Her role was limited, but also great.

Usually with punch you in the face –> overcome movies you feel great at the end, as the character you begin to cheer for the whole time. This is no exception. It was well done, pretty much everyone played their roles appropriately. I was a little bit confused in the beginning, as it seemed to jump around, but this movie accomplishes everything it sets out to do.

Oh yeah. He is innocent alright. Can’t you tell?

Gotta love watching movies you know nothing about, and being surprised. A feeling we here at Gorgon Reviews love to take away from the readers.

Alright, what I did know about this movie is that it stars Luke Wilson, and involves becoming mad wealthy by being a Middle Man of some way.

I cannot comment if any of this is true. But parts must be kind of factual, based off, well, logic. It says based off of true events, apparently one of the producers was in a similar situation earlier in his life? Not sure. Lets pretend it is all true though.

How do you pretend? You go to Imagination Land! Imaginationnnnnnnnnnn

The way they tell the story is very nifty, at the beginning it goes back and forth through a 10 or so year period. The story is of Luke Wilson, a guy who fixes problems, and two dudes who accidentally start a revolution, Giovanni Ribisi and Gabriel Macht. They are two dumbasses, who in 1997, get the idea to have porn on the internet. What they actually develop well is a way to take credit card information from the internet and charge people, apparently something never considered before. Luke helps them realize they are thinking too small, and should just focus on the credit card information, letting the porn people do the porn. After they set up a safe name for the company, so people can jerk it in the comforts of their own home, they can make jillions!

Also apparently I am the kind of guy to only make cartoon jokes in a review of a movie about pr0n? As you would be expected, there are quite a few naked boobies in this movie. Wilson does a great job of playing his role. The two other guys similarly do a good job of playing the “dumb ass” roles.

Parts of the movie lulled in the middle, and I wouldn’t say I got confused at times, but I did get a bit overwhelmed. Either way, this was a pretty interesting story. Predictable outcome, maybe, but just how it got there is an interesting tale.

When I first saw A Better Life I figured it would be pretty stereotypical. So I was guessing it would be the same as the others, and I’d probably just give it a 2 out of 4. You know, “well done but I have heard this all before”. Same reason why I don’t read any new Holocaust books. All the same stuff, over and over again.

The story is of an illegal immigrant (with a killer moustache) trying to make his way in LA with his younger son. He finally has the opportunity to have a secure paycheck, by buying a truck and equipment and starting his own business, instead of relying on labor corners, or whatever.

Not that killer though.

Eventually, some bad things happened, which while watching you will recognize and hope it wont. But it does. And it SUCKS. It feels bad, and you can’t fix it.

But thankfully these problems aren’t generally based on immigration policy in the US. Instead the overall focus of this movie is on the relationship between a father and a son. At this point in life, the son is getting to the age where he may quit school, join gangs, and ignores his fathers advice. It is a story of the father who just wants to reconnect with the boy he once knew.

I didn’t realize it while watching, but the dad is played by Demián Bichir, who played the Tijuana Mayor in a few seasons of Weeds. Wow!

This was originally to show the dude’s stache, and the kid, but man, I think that guy in the background is making a face at the camera.

I shouldn’t have to describe this plot to you but I will anyways.

Charlie Day, Jason Bateman, and Jason Sudeikis are all friends. They all hate their bosses, but for different reasons. But more or less they are all Horrible….Bosses. Jennifer Aniston is sexual abusing Charlie at work, and he is engaged! Kevin Spacey is a crazy psycho and won’t give Jason Bateman his due promotion. Colin Farrell is an incompetent cokehead boss, who got the job over Jason Sueikis.

Also Jamie Foxx is a black man, and thus a murder consultant.

Sorry. I don’t make the rules of the movie.

Wait, murder consultant?

Oh yeah. Because they want to kill their bosses, fixing their lives completely. As long as they don’t do it stupidly enough to get caught, and get help.

The comedy in this I really enjoyed. The plot line, although ridiculous, somehow works out at the end. Do any of the bosses actually die? That would be a spoiler. But it is R rated, if you know what I fucking mean. Jason Bateman plays the role he always seems to play. Charlie Day freaks out and does his fast talk like normal. I am confused by how funny I find Jason Sudeikis, as he is generally a side character. But his characters have been funnier in other recent movies too. Farrell doesn’t add much to the film, but Kevin Spacey easily adds enough to make up for the both of them. Most of you would probably just want to watch this to see Jennifer Aniston in a new light.

As a brunette!

Some flaws, but very decent nonetheless.

Beautiful Boy? Alright, title alone, that sounds shitty. That is worse than judging a book by its cover. That’s not even getting an opinion on the cover.

I still decided to watch it, but when I read the description I thought it would be fantasmic.

Disney tells me this is a word. Autocheck does not. But autocheck isn’t a word. So what is really going on here?

A married couple on the verge of separation are leveled by the news their 18-year-old son committed a mass shooting at his college, then took his own life.

Whoa! That sounds awesome! I have always been interested in the lives affected by school shootings and the like. Not of those who were injured/killed/their families, but the families of the shooters. How does THAT feel? That guilt? That awkwardness? That attention?

My favorite episode of Six Feet Under had a workplace shooting, where the shooter got three people and himself, and showed the family of the shooter who attempted to have a private ceremony for him still (plus everyone’s opinions on the subject). It is WAY too interesting of a topic to never be talked about. Should people not be able to be grieved and honored if they do one bad thing out of a more or less normal life time? It is hard to say.

But this is a movie site. Carry on, self.

The parents are played by Michael Sheen and Maria Bello, and they were fantastic. One particular fight scene they had over the incident, involving a disk he sent home the night before the task was just so intense, I was scared. In the disk he would have explained to him why he did it, but it was never shown to the viewer. Probably to represent how these things are impossible to tell, in real life.

The shooting is never shown, but the attention it receives is just very real. Alan Tudyk also ninja’s his way into the film, so you know it has to be good.

Just ask Steve The Pirate

So yeah, obviously this is a serious drama, and the main two people in it did a great job. It could have been a bit better, but definitely a solid movie.

Fast Five! The fifth Fast and the Furious movie! Whoa. That is a lot of movies. So much that they are just giving me an adjective and a number now.

I think I was told this would be the last one too. Fast Finale. But that is false, there is a 6 and 7 in the works already. Oh well, can’t say no to more money.

Especially when it stares you right in the eyes.

This begins right after where Fast & Furious left off, so it matters kind of for the plot. But really you can guess what happened and be fine not knowing. Due to a series of events, the gang (Vin Diesel and Paul Walker) are in Rio! They are also framed for killing some DEA or ATF or something agents. So bring on The Rock who wants to capture them.

In order to clear their names, they have to both rob a rich drug lord in Rio, and avoid being caught by the feds. They need help. So they call in everyone helpful from the last four movies. Including Ludacris! Everyone loves movies where there is a large cast working to steal something.

This shows “three armies” in the Hobbit Cartoon. Like Fast Five. I am explaining this, because I don’t think anyone would have gotten my joke.

This movie was a lot better than most of the other movies. It also comes before Fast3, which should be after Fast6. So don’t get confused at who is alive. The races were pretty much all outside. Nothing was too confusing. But if you want, try taking a shot every time someone falls from a height that should kill or injure them. That should get you pretty smashed.

There is no plot in this movie. No real plot. But because African Cats is narrated by Samuel L. Mother Fucking Jackson, there is a basic story. Unfortunately, this movie is rated G, so it is fun for everyone, and not just fun for me. Seriously. Think of all the great quotes that could have been in the movie.

“I’m sick of all these mother fucking cats, on these mother fucking plains.

My documentary reviews are always shorter. This tells of a lion pride, a rival lion pride with many male lions, and a single mom cheetah. We go through the lives of the baby cheetahs to their adulthood, and how they fend off attackers. For the first lion pride, there is a lame male lion, an old female lion, and their young cub. The evil lion pride wants to kill everyone. Or sex up the lionesses. Something like that.

The camera work and high definitionness is just so amazing though. I watched it on Blu-Ray, and it was sooooo pretty. Seriously. How the heck did they get those cameras so close to the cats? Are they automatic robot cameras? I really just don’t get it.

It is a short movie too. And family appropriate. And pretty. So check it out. You will be all, “Awwwwww”

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. This movie is a love story, if you couldn’t guess. Probably most movies with Bride or Wife in the title (aside from Chucky?) are love stories. I wasn’t sure what this movie would be about, in terms of science fiction, just knew that the love aspect was the main point. I also knew it was based off a book of the same name, that some of my friends who were girls liked way too much.

Anyways, this stars Rachel McAdams (who likes hockey), and Eric Bana, playing a much better role than he did with Hulk or Hanna. As we all know, H movies are lame anyways. It is important to know that the dude cannot control his time travel a-

JUST LIKE HE CAN’T CONTROL THE HULK. OH MAN CONNECTIONS!

-nd he doesn’t just build a machine and just go nuts, it is just the result of a gene condition. They also don’t spend hours of the movie explaining how it all works, but they let it work it out naturally to find the answers. I like that. Science fiction is hard, and if it had a lot of it in it, it would drag away from the story and leave itself up to more scrutiny.

The basics are he travels in the past and future of his own life, meeting the girl of his dreams at a young age. This story is just one timeline of his life, and metaphysically we have to assume it is just an infinite timeline where the past can never be changed. Everything will always happen. Sure free will is gone, but who believes in that anyways? Besides, you know what infinite timelines means? Infinite sex with Rachel McAdams. The first time he meets her when she is a kid, it is super creepy pedophile like though.

“Yeah, when I time travel I am naked. Just a thing. Don’t be afraid.”

3 out of 4.