Tag: 2 out of 4

Hey look, a movie based off a Nicholas Sparks novel that was made a whole year before the movie. Are all of his books just turning into instant movie bait?

Probably. What I also learned about The Last Song is that apparently NC was supposed to host the filming crew, but voters turned it down, so they went to the magical land of Georgia.

Those lawyers must be magical to convince the citizens to provide those kind of tax breaks!

The story stars angsty teen Miley Cyrus and her younger brother, having to atrocious task of living with their dad for the summer in Georgia. Years earlier their parents got divorced. Her dad, Greg Kinnear, used to be a Juliard piano teacher and taught Miley all she knows. She even got accepted to Juliard, but hates her dad over the divorce and refuses to go next year. The brother however was by far my favorite part of the movie. I think he is supposed to be around 10, but he had some of the best lines as he is way smarter than any kid should be.

There is also a love interest in Georgia, played by some nobody Liam Hemsworth. It is ludicrous for him trying to woo Miley. Her character is way too annoying / moody towards him, always going off and on. No way is she that “unique” for him to do that. Probably just trying to get back at his rich parents.

Spoilers? Doubtful. The story is of course how the dad has some late stages of Cancer and actually wanted to spend some time with the kids before he gets all sick and dies. So the story is of course Miley learning of this, and dealing with it, trying to reconnect with the father she grew to hate and also learn to love the piano again.

The story is pretty much expected. The ending goes as expected as well. Everything falls into their neatly packaged pieces. Sure it is kind of sad, but Miley is not a great actress yet. She kept making faces that were supposed to be sad? But just seemed to look goofy.

“Oh, she’s just bein Miley.“

Despite the absolutely nothing new aspects of it, it was still overall okay. Lets say because the little brother kicked some ass.

The Switch? A movie called The Switch staring Jason Bateman? That just sounds like The Change-Up, based only on titles. But apparently this is a RomCom with Jennifer Aniston, not a Comedy with Ryan Reynolds. And definitely not a romantic comedy with Ryan Reynolds!

“Boop.”

In this story, Bateman and Aniston are friends. Aniston wants to get a sperm donor (definitely not Bateman) and be a single mom, instead of waiting for Mr. Right. She decides on Patrick Wilson, because he is the epitome of a male human being. He is married, but they need the cash. Well, at the donor party, Bateman gets trashed drunk switches the semen with his own (The Switch is a better movie title than Semen Switch…maybe) and only tells fucking Jeff Goldbloom.

Many years later, he realizes that the kid is his own, because the kid is nerdy, hypochondriac, and hates sports. The opposite of Patrick Wilson. Plus he got lice once!

“No kid of mine has lice or hates sports!”

So the movie is mostly just Bateman trying to connect with his donor kid, and figure out a way to tell Aniston without you know, sounding like a complete asshole.

The chemistry between Aniston and Bateman is really well done. Goldbloom does a good job of acting like a boss who always seems to be drunk (in my mind). And Patrick Wilson does a good job of freaking out about the nerdy kid and having a midlife crisis. But it is only somewhat comedic, and entirely predictable. So overall just okay.

Father of Invention? This just sounds like the modern version of Leonardo D’whatshisface. Not the actor one, the inventor guy.

The title comes from the fact that he is a father, and “invents” things himself. By inventor, he actually means fabricator. Not a liar, but someone who comes up with ideas and puts them together using different pieces. Kevin Spacey plays the (better title) Father of the Infomercial, and makes millions. His products are just two other products put together, such as the nightlight + dehumidifier and the pepper spray + camera.

But unfortunately his ab clicker (a remote control and ab workout thing at the same time) broke a lot of fingers, and for some legal reason, put in jail as a felon for 8 years. He got out early on good behavior, not on good looks.

Not only should he never have shaved/cut the ponytail off in the movie, but I demand that all his future movies include this look.

Trying to get his life back on track, he has to work at a Family Mart under Johnny Knoxville, while his ex-wife is living with park ranger Craig Robinson, and his daughter (Camilla Belle) is now living with two other women in a poor part of town. One of her roommates being Heather Graham, the rock band loving lesbian.

Camilla was also in From Prada To Nada, a horrid film, and was unknown ish to me then. But now that she has at least two movies that I know where she is a lead character, I have to acknowledge her.

Story of course is of how his relationship with his daughter is ruined, and him trying to make the next big fabrication, which is a watch with games/videos/music on it that is cool to wear, while also employing the child tracking GPS technology for parents. John Stamos plays a very small role as his CEO replacement, so don’t watch it for him. You will have to find some other show out there.

I have no idea what show this picture is for.

The ending outcome is pretty predictable. The movie probably uses the word ‘Tits’ more than you thought it would. Spacey is of course awesome, but Knoxville just came off as really annoying. Could be just the character, but could be the actor. Just didn’t find him annoying in the good way. Characters are mostly believable, just not the redonk products that he movie makes up.

A Little Help stars Jenna Fischer, our favorite secretary from The Office, in what may be her first lead role in a movie ever. I assume all her other roles were of the supporting variety.

Jenna Fischer is to Films as Entourages are to Rappers, normally.

In the story, all Jenna wants is a little help. She is in a rough marriage, and raising an 12 or so year old son. The son is an ass. The first scene with him makes you go confused. He sounds smart, but it is really just talking older than he should, in a bad way. Her husband dies very early in the movie, and her sister forces her to see a lawyer about malpractice. She has to tell a little lie in order to make the law suit work, despite not wanting to. Similarly, she agrees to let her son tell a little lie in order to help him fit in at his new school.

I think the moral is, little lies can lead to big lies. Don’t lie!

Overall the movie is just her trying to have her son love her, and you know, fight less. Fight less with her son, her other family members, her neighbor, etc. So you will just be watching a series of small, bad decisions. Some parts are funny, but overall I found the ending pretty sad (if not unfinished). One intense scene in particular involved a nice yelling match with her son, she really pulled off the crazy factor.

Chris O’Donnell played the husband, for only a short bit though. The only other actor I recognized, and that is even with trying to forget his other big famous role.

I could be more subtle, but why?

I pretty much am not saying anything in this review I feel like. So, some parts are decent, some are okay, lot of awkwardness with the yelling and lying, disappointing ending.

Only took me, forever, but now I have seen The Princess and the Frog! Hooray! I can’t believe it took me this long either, because I tend to love movies that have controversy.

For those too lazy to click that wiki link, tPatF had a lot of changes before it became the movie it is now. It was considered offensive, that she start out as a chambermaid, instead of a waitress. It was apparently bad that her name was Maddy. It was also horrible for them to call it The Frog Princess. Pretty much all PR crap. Apparently with some small changes, everyone was fine with it, especially since they hired Oprah Winfrey to be a consultant.

To quote an altered South Park line: “Oprah Winfrey is NOT the Empress of black people!”

But anyways, on to the movie. I will note I had no idea the major plot point that occurred…pretty early in the movie (Once Tiana finds the frog) would happen. All the quick TV spots failed to mention that. Definitely changed the movie for me, so won’t spoil that here. I only liked a few of the songs (The evil dudes was good, as was the song in the abandoned building about the restaurant) but after those early ones, they all went pretty downhill for me. Lyrics just seemed bad, not to mention didn’t care for the characters who later came in.

The evil dude reminded me of Jafar in a less smart, more crazy, kind of way. His demise, also kind of similar. The shadow dwellers or whatever were definitely scary too.

I hated the beginning, when they were young kids. I was hoping so much that it wouldn’t last long, as I was not interested in seeing a story of 9 year olds. Luckily, it was quick. Similarly, Charlotte, the rich girl. When she grew up, her face still looked way too much like her younger self, so to me it just seemed like a tall baby the whole movie. An accidental creepy addition, or is there a moral with that story?

DIE BABY FACE WOMAN, DIE!

Only other big name to have any real lines was John Goodman. Terrence Howard’s character was barely in the movie.

Overall! Just okay. Disappointed with the majority of songs (I am not a Jazz hater, just lyrically), and the weird direction the plot went. Didn’t really enjoy that as I was hoping. Damn animal movies.

I might also be able to call this a tale of two movies. You see, this was going to be my first foray into the 3D movie experience. Not the fancy clear glasses stuff, but the classic RED/BLUE spectra. And it was bad. It said it would take about 5 minutes to get adjusted, did everything right (dark room, distance, etc) but it was just bad. Only the main character seemed to have real color, the background for everybody and everything else being a grey/brown, and flashes of yellow and blue filled my screen.

Let’s just say it was annoying.

More annoying than this white background on white background.

I said screw it, switched to 2D for the last 30 minutes and I had a swell time! The colors were very rampant (I accepted the fact that as it was similar to Tim Burton esque movies, it may just be grey and dull) and I loved it. The details were a LOT better than the first hour for me, so now I just feel robbed. The ability to see a few things be 3D-esque would not make up for the colors and experiences I had to miss out on.

But in terms of reviews, Coraline is pretty damn creepy. Dakota Fanning voices the main character, and the horror like story behind it with the “Other Mother” kinda had me going. Maybe because of all the spider imagery at the end, either way, eeek.

I am glad to find out it was all based off of a book, because otherwise I would be very impressed with whateverfilmmaker to make something like that. Book by Neil Gaiman of course, who has some creepy graphic novels.

Story overall was interesting. Beginning kind of slowed. Not as excited about the over exaggerated characters in it. I am not a fan of freakishly thin, freakishly fat, freakishly disproportioned humans. I am fine with the family being from Michigan, but not fine with the dads Michigan State sweater, that he never takes off. Fuck that.

Seriously. The dad could have died and I would have been fine with it.

I will have to watch this movie again, obviously, so I can focus more on enjoying it, instead of tearing my eyes off. But overall, I don’t think I’d watch it really ever again.

On the cover of this movie, it makes sure you know it is produced by James Cameron! Who is one of apparently 9 producers? Wow. He actually played a small part in this movie. Apparently he just really likes underwater stuff.

There is definitely some (all?) stereotypes in this movie. Including grizzled older guy, who knows what to do, isn’t emotional, and just wants to survive. Played by some guy Richard Roxburgh. There are more people in here too, but most I do not recogn- WAIT WAIT WAIT. Richard Roxburgh?? I only know him from one role.

“And in the end should someone die?”

Hah. The Duke from Moulin Rouge. Not to be confused with The Duke. In this movie, a group of people are investigating the largest unexplored cave thing ever. That connects somewhere with the Ocean of somewhere else.

It is funded by Ioan Gruffudd, playing stubborn rich dude who wants to be on Natural Geographic. There is also grizzled old dudes son, other people, rich dudes lover, other experienced diver, and some others.

Emergency! Cyclone thing starts flooding their camp way underground, surprise big storm! Their way gets blocked out. They have to try and hope this cave does eventually reach the ocean to escape. SO yeah. Normal plot. One-two people die every time they get to a possible conflict point, very normal escape thriller stuff. Title has no meaning, Sanctum.

Roxburgh is the the best here, nothing like his Dukeness. But yeah. You will expect most of things to happen, before they do. The ending isn’t a surprise at all. But it is kind of pretty. Interesting for a one time view. Watch Roxburgh freak out when everyone tries to do their own thing, and take his stuff.

“I just don’t like other people touching my things!!”

2 out of 4.

Science fiction! Aliens! LA getting fucked over, again. These are the thoughts that I had about this movie before I knew what it was about. Which is pretty much true.

One of the many times LA has been fucked over, in recent years.

First off the movie was definitely beautiful on the Blu-Ray. Top notch cameras and CGI work. Technically this is just another alien invasion story, but this time they seem to include no battle ready war vets, no battle ready army people, nothing. Just a few regular people. The actual cast list on this thing must be low, minus random party people, random people on roofs, etc. Never really pay any attention to them anyways.

Skyline is the title, more or less, because I guess the ships are in the sky? It could be better. The main lead is Eric Balfour, but other people are played by some of America’s favorite TV stars. Detective Angel Batista from Dexter, and Dr. Turk Turkleton from Scrubs.

These group of regulars and some ladies find themselves in a big Las Vegas penthouse/hotel thing, when Aleins come down! They have crazy blue lights, and when people stare at them, they tend to kind of ‘lose their mind’ and walk towards the stuff. Bad things. In fact, that was a pun because these bad boys tend to steal brains. Why? I try not to spoil shit, so stop asking.

The ending is kind of ehh though. They could have did what they wanted, without doing all that they did. They did just too much so that they inadvertantly started a new story, and then just stopped it. And by stopped it, I mean the ending credits flashed scenes that happened next too, which was just annoying. Small movements, and that is it. Some bullshit way of setting up a sequel, that may or may not happen. YOU DON’T HAVE TO JUST STOP SUDDENLY TO SET UP SEQUELS GUYS, STOP DOING THAT. But should there be one, it will take on an entirely different tone from the first film. Hopefully less Eric Balfour too, who just has a face that makes it seem like he will rape everyone.

Bet you were expecting a picture of Flynn here, weren’t you?

I think generally I give every movie 1 less rating if the ending made me mad/felt incomplete. So there ya go.

First off, I must say I am absolutely disappointed this is not a sequel to Bad Santa.

They are pretty much the same title after all. What is next? Halloween not being related to Halloweentown?

The trailers I saw were also very misleading. They made it seem like it was about Jason Segel, a gym teacher, trying to get it on with some slutty/drunk Cameron Diaz. But he is barely in this movie, and it is mostly about Cameron Diaz. She quits teaching to get married to a rich dude, who breaks up with her, because she is shallow/golddigging. So she has to go BACK to teaching. But what does she need to get wealthy men? Oh yeah, a boob job. But first she needs more money. No, whoring never crosses her mind.

Enter Justin Timberlake, nerdy christian dork who is the heir to a watch making fortune, who has lost his way and is a substitute teacher. Later in the movie he plays a (bad) song, and that is when I remembered he isn’t actually an actor, but that singer guy in that band. He does a good nerdy person, despite you know, not being one at all. I also feel like Jason Segel is barely in this movie. You know while watching it what will happen by the end, but it doesn’t make it a sensical ending.

The thing you have to realize is Cameron Diaz doesn’t like teaching. So she is a Bad Teacher. She just wants to be rich without trying. I would like to thank this movie for reminding me what no movie has done since The Mask that Cameron Diaz can be super hot.

“So if you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Pete and
I’ll teach you chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky boom.”

Phyllis is also in this movie, and pretty delightful. Also, Cam from Modern Family is hilariously different, but no good pictures exist on the internet of his role. Unfortunately it isn’t as funny as I hoped, only a few scenes. So it is good for one watch, just probably not a thousand watches.

A lot of the time lower budget movies will have less money. Almost 100% of the time that is true, actually. This is not an exception. Most of the time the grittiness from lesser cameras works against the overall appeal of the movie, but this may be one of the cases where it kind of makes it better.

I am not a fan of most action movies, especially the ones who try to think they are better than action and try to have a plot, but the plot usually fails. Overcomplication is probably the problem. Arena says screw overcomplication. Lets have some bloody fights!

Like this. But less fat people not wearing shirts.

In this world, there is an underground fighting network called Arena. It is secretly located but broadcasts over the internet. After all, the most interesting fight is the fight for survival. The organization, lead by Samuel L. Jackson, kidnaps the downfallen of society and trains them to be brutal and fight other combatants. The audience votes on if the loser should be killed, and also bets on the outcome, generating income for Mr. Jackson. No one wants to be in here, as it means certain doom. Thankfully Kellan Lutz is promised freedom if he wins ten fights in a row, including killing blows.

There are a few twists in the movie, but nothing to write home about. The endings you cannot predict, because they purposefully don’t show you any clues that would suggest it. Daniel Dae Kim is in this movie too, as a prisoner/fighter, although uncredited (at this point? Probably by request).

If you like bloody violence, the fight scenes in this movie feature a lot of blood. They fight in computer generated scenes, with real weapons, based off the surroundings. The construction site weapon choices were particularly interesting. A lot of the fights are cut short, but that is because over 10 fights with one dude to the death would be ridiculous to watch completely. Also, if you like a whole bunch of naked womens, this movie has a bunch.

It also has a few, not so subtle, references to other movies.

You could argue that this movie explores how acceptable violence is in America, and the downfall of society, but that would just be bullshit.