Tag: 2 out of 4

Dolphin Tale? I get it. Like Tail. But not really. Because Dolphin’s have Tails. But this is a story about a Dolphin, so a tale.

Oh, it is a tale about the tail of a Dolphin? I get it for real now. Well played title.

Well pl- awww dolphin.

Nathan Gamble plays little kid who sucks at school. He has to go to summer school! His older cousin who kicks ass at swimming is going off to the army (Austin Stowell) but he demands that he does something productive over the summer. Well, damn it, he accidentally finds a dolphin trapped in ropes on the beach! He frees it partially, just in time for the rescue crew to get there. They even have a little girl on their team too, and Cozi Zuehlsdorff is slathered in freckles.

So boy goes to the aquarium place, secretly, to check on dolphin, and avoids school. But damn it, he is interested in something for once. It is a family business, with Cozi’s dad running the place as a marine biologist (Harry Connick Jr.) and his dad just hanging out (Kris Kristofferson). Turns out the dolphin only reacts favorably when boy is around, so they let him stay and help (and miss school, much to the anger of his mom Ashley Judd).

But the tail is infected! It has to get amputated. A Dolphin without a tail? Unheard of. Well it works. And he starts to swim side to side successfully. But that fucks up his Dolphin spine! So they get the idea for a prosthetic tail, designed by Morgan Freeman, which you know, fails and fails again.

SLATHERED in Freckles.

The story about the dolphin alone is a good enough one. Especially because it is true! Winter is a real dolphin and plays herself in the movie. Both with and without the fake tail. None of this CGI crap for this movie! (But I think some of the scenes are still CGI’d. Especially that dumb jump at the end).

The movie adds a lot of fictionalized elements of course though. A plot involving a financial hardened research facility that may be closing (movie watchers love foreclosers), comparison story of the dolphin to an amputee in the movie both overcoming the odds together, and more. Movie almost reached two hours, but could have been shorter and still a very good dolphin rehabilitation story.

The end has real footage of the process to make the tail (and the years it took, not weeks) from the facility, and it is an extra layer of coolness. My heart was warmed during parts, but just did not like a lot of the unnecessary components.

Alright, so obviously, this movie/concert is for fans of Glee. If you don’t already like Glee, you have no reason to watch this movie. Probably won’t enjoy it. It would be weird!

So pretend this review of the 3D Concert Movie from a person who is a fan of Glee.

And a fan of the “Wharblers” who yes, are in this special as well.

This movie had a few technical problems with it. Video quality wise, some cameras were great, and it popped on Blu-Ray. And other cameras that they used were super grainy. Not what you expect in a “Blu-Ray movie”. Similarly, the sound wasn’t as high quality as it could have been. Could be a product of the live concert-ness. But I have a pretty good surround sound set up, and it got crackly and awkward at parts, which is bad for “jamming”.

The concert also had three side stories of “diverse” fans, a midget cheerleader, a big girl with Aspergers, and a gay black kid from middle school. We (had) to hear their stories and how Glee made it better, along with random fans throughout with quick quips on what they like, etc. You know, standard concert movie annoyances.

The clips they had backstage I was hoping for more real look at the cast members, but they were still playing their roles, not themselves. That was disappointing.

The songs that made it onto the movie in order are: Don’t Stop Believing, Sing, Empire State Of Mind, I’m A Slave 4 U, Fat Bottom Girls, Don’t Rain On My Parade, PYT, Ain’t No Way, Jesse’s Girl, Valerie, Firework, Teenage Dream, Silly Little Love Songs, Raise Your Glass, Happy Days Are Here Again / Get Happy, Safety Dance, Lucky, “Forget” You, I Want To Hold Your Hand, Born This Way, Loser Like Me, and Somebody To Love after the credits.

The most impressive fact about this is that it is almost all of the CD of the concert. 22 of 23 songs, just missing Dog Days Are Over (in special features, along with Friday, which isn’t on the CD (and Acoustic)).

As far as individual songs go, the Wharbler songs were good. Gwyneth Paltrow. The dancing was generally good. Songs were usually good, minus the sound quality parts. I was also disappointed that the “Vague backup vocals” that are obviously not the actual other glee members in the show, were played during the concert as well for some songs.

I am not a fan of the song “I’m A Slave 4 U”, but holy shit, Heather Morris was way super hot in this high quality movie.

Good old fashioned family entertainment.

I was also hoping Mathew Morrison would be there to sing songs, but just like season 3, they seem to be trying very hard to make sure he doesn’t have much singing anymore in the show.

Again, as a glee fan, the concert was just okay. Had enough technical problems to bug me, and would only warrant one viewing. Damien McGinty was also shown in the audience, with a quick 1 second cameo.

True story alert! Kind of.

Burke and Hare (which has been a movie before) is loosely based on the murders committed by William Burke and William Hare in Scotland in the 1800s.

The main difference is that the 70s version was a horror, so presumably scary. The modern version is a dark comedy, and thus well…strange.

I feel like they are staring into my soul.

Burke and Hare are played by Simon Pegg and Andy Serkis respectfully. The movie is narrated by Angus the Hangman, played by Bill Bailey, who begins the story with a hanging, of course. The corpse is normally sold to the highest bidder, between two doctors, Tom Wilkinson and Tim Curry. They both teach at medical schools and use the bodies for dissections, (While Curry is having to resort to live patients).

Burke and Hare are down in the dumps! They are out of cash, and all of their plans go awry. When Hare’s wife mentions an Inn-patron died, they give the body to Wilkinson, and receive a nice fund. They enter a deal that if they can give him two bodies a week, they will be handsomely rewarded! First they attempt to dig up bodies in a graveyard, but they aren’t fit for dissection. Bones and what not only.

So instead? Murder! Specifically those about to die (at first). Or bad people. Or whatever. Soon they also get mixed up with blackmailers. Aka someone they have to give money too for “protection”. Hare wants to save up money to start a funeral parlor business (Which may be the first of its kind). Burke spent a lot of his money on the production of an all woman theater group for MacBeth. Starring Isla Fisher of course.

But eventually people get suspicious. WILL THEY BE CAUGHT? (this is history, yes, kind of). WILL THEY HELP SCIENCE? (yes) IS THAT CHARLES DARWIN OVER THERE? (yes). Well that’s cool.

The movie was decently funny. Simon Pegg was not with his normal ensemble that you always see, but instead with Smeagol. That was a change.

But the thought of this guy being a murderer? Easy to grasp.

I am sure a lot of the history was embellished, but it is definitely and interesting story. Parts were decently amusing, but amusing is really as far as it went. I liked all the science tidbits in the movie, especially the scene at the end where they showed where William Burke is today. Who doesn’t love movies that give you those tidbits at the end?

I have a question, America. (Yes, I assume no foreign countries read this. Outside of that one German person). Whats up with Beyonce? Why does America like her so much? She wasn’t even my favorite Destiny’s Child member, but she got this big solo career, where her singles seem to be hit or miss from me. Never do I think a song is just okay, either hate or like. Not the best track record in my book.

But as someone who majors in Movie watching, and minors in Music Video watching, maybe I am just upset that she won Music Video of the year with that one shitty video.

This intro was just to make sure Kanye, if he was a reader, stopped reading out of disgust.

Obsessed tells a simple tale that seems to be more popular nowadays. No longer is there just simple tales of sexual harassment. But there are lots of examples in media of the woman making it all up, just to ruin a “highly successful” business man. Possibly even having the woman threatening to tell their wife they had sex, UNLESS they actually have sex (used in both Horrible Bosses and King Of The Hill). It is a believable concept, just because “Bitches be crazy yo“.

But also just probably the man keeping the woman down. I dunno.

ANYWAYS! Idris Elba is some successful business man. He married his now wife, Beyonce, who used to be his secretary. They have a kid! Since then he hasn’t had another woman secretary. Unfortunately, due to colds, a temp is brought in to eventually be his secretary, played by Ali Larter. Right away, you know she is crazy. She wants her some Idris. You just can’t tell if she is doing it on purpose, or actually thinks the lies she tells are truthful.

As an omnipotent viewer, we see everything that happens, and know what is the truth though. So there is no mystery for us. Just the characters. Jerry O’Connell plays “guy at work who Idris tells his side too early on who believes him thankfully”. Obviously Idris makes mistakes that the viewer sees from miles away, but they still make it believable enough so that you think he is trying to just do what is right.

Lartner plays a good job of obsessed/crazy woman, and Elba does a good job of “shit what the fuck is going on with you woman?”. Beyonce? Eh, not as good. Seems like her role was pointless until the end, and I am sure someone else could have done a better job of “Don’t you lay another FINGER on my man” angry woman.

Although that face is a nice start.

I feel as though letting us see the whole film through everyone’s point of view, instead of just Elba’s or just Beyonce’s makes it lose its appeal. There is no guessing for the viewer. They know Larter is lying and crazy, and they assume Beyonce will eventually realize it. Although an interesting story, we must realize that most people wouldn’t lie about sexual harassment though. So it is a serious thing.

Before you get confused, Letters to Juliet and Dear John are different movies. Both are romantic comedies starring Amanda Seyfried with “letter” themes. Or at least I assume Dear John has that in it. But Dear John is a Nicholas Sparks book/movie, while Letters To Juliet came out…well damn, after Dear John and in the exact same year.

What the hell Amanda Seyfried?

“Oh, my bad.”

Amanda is a fact-checker for a new york newspaper! Oh man! But she wants to be a writer. Too bad. Oliver Platt don’t care. She is going on an early honeymoon with fiance, Gael Garcia Bernal, to Italy! For he is Italian and opening an Italian restaurant in NYC and needs to meet with suppliers. But when they get there, it seems like he only wants to do work. For shame!

Amanda scurries around on her own, bored, and finds the “Juliet House” from that Shakespeare thing. For some reason, a whole bunch of women write romantic queries to Juliet and hope she responds. A group of women write letters back with advice, because they are bored. She finds a 50 year old letter, and decides to respond.

A week later, very British Christopher Egan appears on her doorstop. Oh, with his grandmother, played by Vanessa Redgrave. She has determined to return to Italy and find her long lost love when she was 15, and see if he remembers her. Amanda agrees to go on the journey with him, since her fiance doesn’t mind, as they travel the country looking for the right old dude.

As you can imagine, the thought of old people love and growing old with the person you actually love is discussed a lot. Turns out Amanda doesn’t love the husband that cares about his restaurant more than her (Selfish). So yes. Another movie where a woman travels and changes her mind about marriage, choosing another foreign person.

I knew this would happen! Why did I watch this movie in the first place?!

This is NOT an answer.

Only a few moments did I find amusing. At the end, where the balcony scene was “accidentally recreated” before Amanda officially started to get it on with British dude was pretty funny though. After all, NYC is kind of overrated.

For some reason (not that one, damn it) I did find this one more enjoyable. I thought they were good together chemistry wise, and the old woman love story was fantastic. So it is decent, you know, for a RomCom.

Oooh a kind of foreign film. Watching it now, you can tell that the director probably wanted this whole movie to be in French. Probably made one of the main characters speak English, just to get more viewers. I say don’t half ass it. Go full french, or full american. That way my senses don’t get boggled.

Boggled like Texas champion Peggy Hill.

Sarah’s Key is a story about nazis! Didn’t see that one coming.

First there is a journalist in modern day Paris, Julia (Kristin Scott Thomas), who just got a new apartment that has been in her family for decades. Not knowing much about it, she learns that it actually was taken away from a Jewish family in 1942 during the “Vel’ d’Hiv Roundup”. What is that? That is when 10,000 Jewish people around Paris were arrested and brought into a theater house. They were taken away in busses eventually, and separated to camps. Apparently the theater setting was about “10,000 times worse” than the Katrina Superdome incident.

So the story tells of the journalist trying to find out about the family who used to live there. She wants to return it to them, it just feels right. So outside of that story, we get to see the story of the family right before they are evicted and the many years after, intertwined through the story. That is where Sarah comes in! Played by Melusine Mayance. When the police arrive she hides her brother in a secret compartment and locks the key, thinking it is just another random visit that will be quick. She tells him to wait for them to come back. Once the family realizes that they won’t be returning anytime soon, they go into freak out mode. The story is mostly about Sarah and her desire to get away, and return to the home to try and find her brother.

That story, the one in the 40s. That is pretty interesting. The modern parts? Not as much.

Unfortunately the climax of the 40s story line happens around halfway through the movie, leaving the viewer with a lore more modern stuff. Sure it mostly ties up the story lines, but who really cares about those other story lines? So while the overall story is interesting, the excessive modern parts are ho-humable, dragging the movie down a peg.

I forced a King of the Hill reference earlier. Here is an actual helpful photo!

Oooh. A foreign film. Not just any foreign film. A film from Switzerland, and spoken in German! This is a nice change up, given that all my other foreign films (but 1, Spanish) have been in an Asian language, and I actually know some German to better my experience. I especially liked that some of the subtitles weren’t translated, like when it popped up with the date, or how much time has passed. But since I understood it, I was like “OH MAN! I CAN READ MONTHS!”

Because of that, here is a non-relevant picture from the movie, that actually might not have happened.

Cargo is a sci-fi film, which means you know there might be some philosophical crazy stuff going on. It is in the 2200s, Earth is now inhabitable. Rhea is found as perfect new place to live, you know, before they can live, but it is expensive to get there. Anna-Katharina Schwabroh, who plays Laura Portmann, wants to go to Rhea. Her sister went there a few years ago and loves it. So she signs up to be a doctor on a cargo ship that is going to a random satellite station. The trip is 8 years, four years there and back, and after it she will have enough to go to Rhea!

Also it is pretty cool, that the ship of like, 5 crew members only are awake for 8.5 months. Only needs one person to run it, its pretty much on auto-pilot. So the rest of the time they sleep and don’t age, wicked cool. But there is also a space police dude on board named Samuel Decker, played by Martin Rapold, due to the higher number of space pirates out there, and he wakes up on a more frequent basis, for whatever reason.

During the last leg of the trip, Portmann is in charge and thinks she is hearing weird noises in the cargo, and think someone else is there. She wakes up the captain before the rest, to help investigate with Decker the disturbance. But then the captain dies. Shit. What is going on!?

So then in the last 2~ months of their journey they have to find out who is on their ship extra, if anyone? Why is their cargo weird? Where are they actually going? WILL PORTMANN EVER SEE HER SISTER AGAIN?

“It is awfully lonely on this ship…”

The movie was interesting, definitely. But nothing really surprised me that much. A lot of it seemed obvious. There were moments when weird stuff went on, that I wasn’t afraid of just because I didn’t know how the ship worked. When the cargo bays started moving, a couple people freaked out, but like Portmann, I was like “okay? just move a bit. and safe!”. So a bit of thrill of the thriller was left out for me. I think there also could have been more in it. I was confused by some of the characters motivations, so maybe a bit back story on some of the people would have been nice.

It is a decent sci-fi thriller, but not the best.

The Hangover, critically, was one of the higher rated comedies by critics for a long time. So much that people would continue to compare all new comedies to it and think the other comedies are “lame” if they are too similar. I even heard someone say that Horrible Bosses was too similar to it, just because it had three male leads. What?

So does that mean people will hate The Hangover Part II, if it is too similar to the Hangover, despite the fact that as a sequel it should be similar?

Yes.

In the Hangover, four guys go to celebrate in Las Vegas for a bachelors party, and wake up the next morning, can’t remember anything (damn secret druggings!), and have lost the groom. Two days before the wedding. They have to use clues to try and figure out what they did the night before, to hopefully find their friend, and deal with all the other problems they caused.

In the Hangover part II, five guys are in Thailand to meet the brides family, accidentally end up celebrating all night (damn secret druggings!), wake up the next morning, one guy is back at the hotel, the brother of the bride is lost. They have to use clues to try and figure out what they did the night before, to hopefully find their friend, and deal with all the other problems they caused.

Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifanakis return in their post hangover and confused state, and also features a return cameo of Ken Jeong (obviously!). Also, this introduces Mason Lee, as Teddy, the brother of the bride.

I definitely think a second “hangover” movie should have a similar plot to the first. I don’t want the same cast in the same roles doing a different type of adventure. That wouldn’t be “Hangover” based! People wouldn’t complain that Nightmare On Elm Street 2 has the same-ish plot as the first one. So it should be able to fit those standards. But what is it as funny as the first one?

No.

Although I did find it amusing, it was definitely not as good as the first. It had more penises, that is for sure, but what else would you expect with transsexuals? It also introduced a monkey, which takes the place of a baby I guess. I did like that Ed Helms took more of a lead from Bradley Cooper, especially by the end, even though his world was crashing down all around him (being the groom this time). I think the beginning was believable enough for his character too, avoiding a bachelor party (bachelor brunch!) so nothing bad happens. But Thailand is too crazy for them.

As another random note, I was mad to not see Liam Neeson in the movie. After all, Mel Gibson was booted from a cameo role due to his controversies, Liam brought in. But because of re shooting, they had to redo that role again as a different guy for the tattoo artist.

So yeah. Its an okay movie on its own. I don’t think you really need the first, but the first helps. It definitely wasn’t as good, too much of the plot focused on getting the codes to get Teddy, I thought. Took away from more potential laughs that they could have had in Thailand.

Mr. Popper’s Penguins, another old story/book turned movie. I can’t say I remember anything about the book, but I am sure I have read it once in my life. It was probably a ridiculous concept book, that was turned into a ridiculous concept movie. I can tell you that the comedy present in the film is not the caliber Ace Ventura stuff you used to expect from a Jim Carrey movie, because once you go “talking out of your ass”, it is hard to top that. But there are enough decent scenes involving PENGUINS for you to at least enjoy yourself.

You can top “ass talk” if you go gay, however. What?

Obviously Popper is Jim, and he plays some sort of real estate buyer. I guess he works for a company that buys properties that owe money, and then sells them for higher if they are fixed, or gets rid of the buildings for new and exciting things! When he was a kid, his dad used to go on adventured, and never had time for him. He did communicate with him over some weird crazy “radio” thing. Silly technology.

But now he is divorced with two kids! He is feeling like a distant father himself, no good. His kids don’t seem to care, the older being played by Madeline Carroll, who was also in Cafe and Flipped. While he is trying to spend time from kids, he gets a package from his dad (from his will) and inside is a penguin? What?? Shenanigans! This isn’t good. He eventually gets five more boxes, and thats where all the zany adventures start.

Angela Lansbury plays the old lady who owns the last plot of land his company needs. Clark Gregg is the zookeeper originally called to take away the penguins, but later becomes the villain. Ophelia Lovibond is Popper’s assistant, Pippi, and I only mention her because she talks with a lot of P words, very properly, and looks way too much like Lexi Belle for a kids movie.

It’d be inappropriate to show pictures of Lexi Belle here, jerks. Instead, dancing penguins!

As I said, the humor is okay. Most of it is just “awww” based, dealing with penguins in public. I would rather the penguins not be named after adjectives, and wish they didn’t do a penguin that just happens to fart all the time. Come on movie, rise above that. Also, less Sidney Crosby jerseys would have been preferable. Only one scene really bugged me, in the art gallery. In which it showed a whole lot people seemingly being fine with standing in water that suddenly appeared at their feet, and all “what the fuck!” only when penguins were coming down as well. No one likes wet shoes, people.

But yeah, the plots ridiculous, but any penguin lover will like it. It also preaches good family values overall, and doing the right thing. Well, eventually doing the right then. First there might be some bribery.

I assume most of you while growing up (if you were male at least), played some form of cowboys vs indians with your fiends. Why not? Violence is fun, and team sports are fun. Of course there is a lot of other versions of this game, Cops vs Robbers, pirates vs ninjas, terrorists vs anti-terrorists or even Texas vs Mexicans.

Cowboys & Aliens tries to take the rivalry concept a step further, by having a clearly more advanced side (instead of relatively even sides (ignoring pirates vs ninjas (go pirates) ) ). Also technically this could just be a rewording of Texas vs Mexicans, but that came out after this movie, so it isn’t thievery.

Picture: Not a fair fight.

The movie opens with Daniel Craig lying in the desert, alone, and thankfully fully clothed. Sure, he doesn’t remember anything, and he has a weird device on his arm, but at least he has clothes. Eventually he finds a town, and apparently he is a wanted outlaw. Despite still being confused, turns out he can kick an ass or too, assuming that ass is male. Because out of no where Olivia Wilde fucks him up (with a cheap shot) and he gets thrown in jail.

At the same time, far away, Harrison Ford is all upset about missing workers and dead steer. Bright lights? Sounds like bullshit to him! He goes to the town though hearing that Craig is there, and he wants to punish him himself, as he stole his gold! Conflict happens in the town, fighting over prisoners. But then! Bright lights (See above picture) and explosions! Thankfully his mysterious arm attachment can create its own booms, and they don’t get obliterated or all captured.

They make a posse to go get those aliens (try to follow their tracks), to free the hostages and you know, figure out what the hell is going on. Oh yeah, Sam Rockwell plays a doctor too, and I am pretty sure this is the only movie where he doesn’t dance.

But how was it? Visually it was good. Nice CGI, nice desert contrast to go with the explosions. Craig and Harrison both go through character transformations in the film, so by the end you like both people, so that is good. Olivia Wilde felt out of play the whole movie though. Seriously, if you looked at a picture of all the cast and her, you’d just assume she was an alien.

Or at least the nakedest one.

Plot is very straight forward, but I didn’t find it engaging enough. Sure, I would have liked better answers for some things. I believe I am told why they are there, and why they captured some humans, but that why isn’t explained at all. Just makes them seem like a nuisance. There is a lull in a lot of the action scenes with aliens, because there are other threats out there (Indian tribe, the outlaw gang) etc, but nothing between them really escalates or feels threatening, because we also know there is damn aliens out there! People won’t kill other people if they can help fight aliens, just a fact.

I thought most of the acting was bad. The realest people to me were random extra outlaw members. The story overall never grasped my full attention and care, so although I thought some parts were cool, it fell flat for me in a lot of other places.