Tag: 2 out of 4

I hadn’t expected to watch two movies where Channing Tatum played a pivotal role in it so close to each other. Guy just has a face that bugs me, so I usually avoid his stuff. And by pivotal role, I mean the main character this time, damn.

Yeah. That’s the face right there.

This story is about the Roman Empire, fucking up Britain. Back in the 100s, when trying to Conquer Britain, a Roman Legion was lost and their flag standard, an Eagle, was lost with them. The leader of that division was the father of Marcus Aguila (Tatum), so there was some shame on his family. Since then he has become a commander himself, and has been sent to lead the troops at Hadrian’s Wall, a wall in GB south of where the legion had since been missing.

On like his first night, they get attacked and raided, but thanks to him they win. Too bad he gets fucked up. Oh well, honorable discharge and sent back home to his uncle (Donald Sutherland). Unfortunately he still hasn’t cleared his dads name. Gah! Once he feels better (albeit still crippled), he heads back to the wall with his slave and confidant, Esca (Jamie Bell), to go North of the wall in their own small group and try and find the eagle.

They have to deal with the natives (Britain was very uncivilized at the time), the lost legion, and friendship strains. Aww.

“Bitch don’t you know you’re about to get cut!?” – Audience member

This is a pretty gritty feeling movie. And it feels like a movie set way back when. Both were probably obvious I guess? Either way, it took me awhile to really care about the main two characters. Having the big going home after the first battle, downtime, relaxation thing, hurt the flow of the film for me. I think it would have been better if he just recovered at the wall, got discharged and instead of going home, going straight into the wild to search for the Eagle. His slave friend could have came to pick him up, or whatever.

Fighting was cool though. I could actually understand most of the fight that occurred at night, which is a great bonus. A lot of movie like to do shit at night just so they don’t have to make things obvious. Thought the ending was pretty swell too.

But there were also larger more boring moments that kept taking me out of the story line, weirdly enough. My favorite moment was when Aguila saved Esca from the gladiator arena. Such a small moment, but just really really liked it.

I have been told that a Dilemma is having to make a choice between two equally bad scenarios. A dilemma is not just having to make a bad choice or ignore it. My friend wanted me to make that clear for all the readers, but I will leave it up to you to decide if there is any real dilemma then.

But in other news, I have been avoiding this movie because it features prominently the Chicago Blackhawks, as they are in Chicago and fans of the team.

Statistically, they were not fans of them six years ago though.

Vince Vaughn and Kevin James are best friends, have been since college. James is very smart, knows all he can about numbers and statistics, and cars. Vaughn is a great talker, speech maker, and can make any sale. Together the have at dream. To make electric cars less lame, and more reminiscent of the muscle cars of the 50s and 60s. Feel that vroom in your acceleration, while also not damaging the environment. They are in the middle of making a real prototype, and if they succeed, they get a long term contract, with long term benefits. Needless to say, this is a very stressful time.

James is also married to Winona Ryder, together for almost 20 years, while Vaughn is just dating Jennifer Connelly. He wants to propose, but he has a hard time getting to that point. He also used to be addicted to gambling, which has damaged his relationships in the past, including this one a few years prior.

But when Vaughn catches Ryder having an affair with a very tattoo’d Channing Tatum? He initially wants to tell his friend right away, but he is already at a highly stressed point and if anything else happens he thinks he might explode. So instead he confronts Ryder to tell him, but apparently he also once slept with her in college (pre the dating, but still) and never told James. So she is prepared to tell James that the affair was actually with Vaughn, and he has been stalking her for 20 years, trying to get more.

Well thats weird. So Vaughn needs proof first of her affair, and then he can tell his friend! But with his sneaking around, everyone thinks he is gambling again, both men having lots of trouble working for the contract, and even James and Connelly have their own secrets! (No, not another affair). Oh, and Queen Latifah is in this movie too, if only to say things to make everyone feel uncomfortable, like “lady wood”.

Shit gets real.

Remember when I said shit gets real? That is because this movie changes its idea of comedy throughout. It is marketed as a buddy slapstick comedy, and involving cheating women. This certainly happens in the beginning, but a large portion of the movie is much closer on the darker comedy level. Then some more slapstick stuff. I think it would have been much better if it stuck to one (preferably the darker route) than back and forth. My mood kept changing, and it felt weird.

But also a lot of the sillier stuff I didn’t find to be that funny. There is a long scene at a club where Vaughn refuses to dance with his woman, because he doesn’t dance. But then does a large silly dance with James instead. Talk about bad dating material.

I thought it was severely lacking in the humor department overall, but a weirder thing happened while watching. I cared about the characters. What?

I was forced to watch Eagle Eye. I really didn’t want to. When someone asked me, “Hey man. Want to watch Eagle Eye?” I said this.

That was my way of both answering the question, and providing a reason why.

The movie begins with the US Army fucking up some terrorists. Or else that is what it looks like. They are at a funeral, but is also a guy they have been looking for, for a long ass time. It might not be him, but 51% chance it is! The secretary of defense (Michael Chiklis) says no go, but the President says go. So they do it. Whoops, civilians.

Long story short, this movie is about a super computer. That supercomputer can gather intel from pretty much anything electric or connected via remotes or on a network. Computers, cell phones are the big ones. It doesn’t like that the president and others put people at risk by ignoring its advice. The Secretary of Defense is cool though, in its mind, and thinks he should be president. So she tries to kill off the president and the other people on the chain of command.

Shia LaBeouf (slacker with a twin brother who was in the army, died, was super good at computer stuff) is being blackmailed, and so is Michelle Monaghan (single mother, who is being told her son will die if she doesn’t do the plan) are both being called by the mysterious woman (computer) and told to do things.

Which is basically get a bomb to DC and blow up the president. No biggie. Also Rosario Dawson and Billy Bob Thornton are trying to stop em, and figure out why they are so good at escaping shit.

“Is this Michelle? No no nononononnono!”

Know what I hate? Shia LaBeouf, and Spielberg’s fascination with him.

Know what I like? Super computers. Super computers being too good.

Argh! Opposing forces! This has a ridiculous number of action scenes and chase scenes, that also go on for long periods of time. Heck that is most of the movie. None of them even seem plausible, even with the possibility of a super computer. But hey, you can stretch some imagination. But that is all the movie has going for it. Those scenes, because there is very little down time or real development. So its just okay. I like my super computer movies to have some nice philosophical discussions in them too.

This is the 400th movie review! Most of my milestone reviews were based off of the Twilight films, which were also reviews 150, 200, 250, and 350.

There is a clear gap in there for the theme, because when I hit 300, Breaking Dawn part 1 wasn’t out yet. Well, part 2 isn’t out yet either. Not even in theaters. So for 300 I instead did all of the High School Musicals.

So what is the point? Well for 400 I wanted to try and keep to some theme, if I could, which is why I present to you, Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure, the TV movie spin-off of the High School Musicals!

So…damn…pink.

I know what you are thinking. Or at least should be, if you saw the High School Musicals. Why the hell Sharpay?? She is of course played by Ashley Tisdale, but she is the “villain” of the series. A rich girl who thinks she deserves everything, and had most things until the new kid came around.

No one liked her, why does she get a spinoff. Why not her twin brother and that glasses chick who got into Julliard? Or that “pop it and lock it” girl that is behind the scenes in all the movies?

She actually went on to star in something called Fat Camp.

But no, Sharpay. Alright. It begins with her singing and dancing! Like she always does. This time at her parents country club though. Apparently this place is such a small town with no opportunity, yet a country club with filthy rich people. That would explain all the different background kids in one high school.

Yet somehow, there is a guy from NEW YORK CITY there, and he wants her to come down an audition.

After some convincing with her parents, she is allowed to go to NYC! But if she doesn’t land the gig or have anything after 1 month, she must go back to the town and get a real job with her dad. Like, gross!

But the apartment she planned for doesn’t allow dogs. Bitch please. She gets kicked to the curb, all her pink luggage and shit.

Pink luggage and shit.

Then some guy starts filming her, which often happens in NYC. Oh whats that, its her moms friends son who is in the area, and supposed to look out for her, Austin Butler?? How convenient. Speaking of convenient, he also knows of a studio apartment open in his building. Not as big, or fancy. But allows dogs.

His head is actually always that shape and angle. The whole movie.

But when Sharpay gets to the audition…turns out it was for her dog instead? What the fuck. No it was not her missing the meaning, the guy in his email or in person never actually said it was for the dog. Oh well, “Hilarious missunderstanding!”

The dog will star along Cameron Goodman, a fake broadway celebrity, in “A Girl’s Best Friend”, about a girl and her dog with big dreams of making it big in NYC. Yes. It somehow mirrors Sharpay’s life. The directors (Alec Mapa and Jack Plotnick) like her dog a lot, but unfortunately the little boy, Bradley Steven Perry, and his dog are also kick ass.

Pictured: Spoiled rich kid with talented dog, who is not Sharpay.

So the directors do the only thing they know how. Cast both dogs, until one is clearly better. Causing them to compete and play jokes on each others time to shine. Stay classy, Sharpay.

Sharpay even becomes the personal assistant to Cameron, hoping to get on her good side. But it turns out, Cameron is a huge bitch. She hates the whole idea, and the dogs. Hell, on the day before the main dress rehearsal, she tries to cut out the dog part completely. What?

That powder is made from puppies.

So Sharpay eventually goes off on Cameron. Telling her all she learned about how much of a bitch she is (and Sharpay used to be). The star storms off, and Sharpay is kicked out. But thanks to Austin filming her all the time, they find out Sharpy knows all of the scenes for the musical, because Cameron refuses to come back at all. They quickly hire her back, as the stand in star, and she stars in her own musical! And she also isn’t a bitch anymore.

What do you mean this looks like guys and dolls?

So overall, how was the movie?

Well uhh. Surprisingly it was pretty decent. WHAT?

Yes. Taking the hated character, and giving her a spin-off with ridiculous dreams of starring in Broadway, and ending up in one with her dog. Yes. It was decent.

The plot? Not the best. The musical that she happens to get to help and star in matching her own travel to NYC? That is stupid as shit. The final song didn’t even sound that good. Tisdale’s voice is not good enough to star in a Broadway thing. (She was a last minute replacement for this one. But we are to assume she stayed a star.)

There wasn’t as many songs as I expected. Pretty much two near the end, the opening number, and Sharpay/the kid both auditioning singing the same song with their dog. There was some other “popular music” in it, but they were covers. For some reason, the guy who played her twin in the HSMs did a cover of Baby in the background.

But despite all this, for a character so fake and uncaring, some how her transformation into a kinder person seemed real. You believed she had changed her ways, if only because there was a bigger bitch in town. She was even willing to risk her whole “Career” and go back home to do a real job, just to do what was right.

Of course then you can get into how unnatural the plot unfolded. So the bad set up was a big part of the blame. The just okay music was disappointing. But, somehow I liked the last half.

Sometimes you just have to watch all of the titles that begin with Love. Turns out there is a lot of these bad boys, and I don’t mean overall, just the last few years. Because if you don’t believe in love, you can’t be bohemian. Some say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. This movie says fuck that. Losing a love, sucks. It hurts. Love Hurts.

And…and twins!

This movie is about that weird moment in a marriage when the kids have all moved on and again, it is just you and your spouse. Apparently a lot of relationships only stay together for the kids and end once they are gone and they are both left to only spending time with each other. Some thrive at the freedom, and some get complacent.

Richard E. Grant plays the husband and apparently is pretty boring. His wife, Carrie-Anne Moss (yes, that girl from The Matrix), leaves him to live her life, unable to stand that house any more. Well that sucks. That makes him all depressed.

Now that his son, Johnny Pacar, is off at college, he has no one and is in a big rut. If you thought he was boring before, just you wait! But his son feels bad and tries to get him back on the market and into the social world. Not only does he take a liking to it, but he starts to kick its ass.

He finds FOUR women to fill his void and time with. Jenna Elfman, his nurse, who likes to dance. Janeane Garofalo, his personal trainer, who likes to…be Jewish I guess. And also two twins, who sing karaoke. TWINS GUYS. That stuff is so hard to do. Mostly because in real life it is gross, because twins = related. But still.

But then a funny thing happens. His son, in college, life ahead of him, falls in love. Shit. Doesn’t he know? Dating around is the way to go, not one girl. That shit is for boring people! Or will his attempts to help his son win the girl of his dreams let him realize who he really loves after all? (Yes)

“Oh! I get it! That is his wife!” – Gorgon Reviews reader.

Somehow, in all of the crap I have picked up this week, this movie has been the best. I was getting jaded, in that I had previously watched three movies that all lacked any reason for me to like them, but this one was thankfully different. I have never heard of the main guy before, but his character and his mid life crises was actually pretty fun to watch. The beginning wasn’t very good, but once he started getting into the social scene, and living life, and realizing how much he missed his wife, it was much better.

If you can only have 2/3 of your movie be good, having it be the last 2/3 doesn’t hurt (but I think the first and last third are the best. Get em hooked, make em want to leave, then punch them in the face with awesome. That is what I always say). We can all agree that it is at least better than only the first 2/3 being good.

Midst the bigger releases this week, I saw Like Crazy and was most curious about it. After all, the other ones were the previously reviewed (and hated) Immortals, a remake of Footloose, and the most hated movie of 2011, Jack and Jill.

Not that I am basing my opinion on a movie before watching it though. That’d be bad (and human). >.>

But yeah, Like Crazy, also featuring the words before it “I want you” “I need you” “I love you” and “I miss you”. Pretty neat, and yeah its an indie romance story.

It also features some kissing. So kids 5-9 will not like it.

Anton Yelchin and Felicity Jones. The former, an American (hah) who likes to draw and design things. The former, a girl from Britain, on a student visa. Well they get infatuated with each other, go on a date, have some dirty American sex. He even meets her parents who come for a visit. But she decides to stay a bit longer over the summer, and they live together. Once she goes back for a few months for weddings and stuff, she plans on flying back to LA. Well. She can’t get through customs.

For overstaying her student visa, she is now, in fact, banned from entering the USA, even though she now has a tourist visa, and is sent back to London.
Well that sucks.

The movie is basically their relationship. It has, for the closest description, montages of their relationship. A lot of music and them doing things, or not doing things depending on where it is in the movie. It goes into a long distance thing, and then them seeing other people, trying to get rid of the ban. Then, marriage! Still doesn’t lift the ban. Then rifting apart, kind of living in both cities still, maybe also dating?

But what happens when the ban finally does lift? Can they live a normal life together?

Or will it just be a constant awkward turtle?

The other members of this relationship are Jennifer Lawrence and Charlie Bewley, and involve even more awkward working relationships and possible proposals.

Some things you might ask yourself. Why doesn’t he just move to London? Yes. Why not. Because of course that’d be ridiculous. Trying to figure out how much each member are really into this relationship is hard to grasp. When they fight, it is of course pointless, but most fights are. But one of the reasons he doesn’t go is he gets a successful design business in LA that would be hard to start in London (cough).

The ending thankfully while kind of expected, also went a different route. I both loved and hated the ending, and wouldn’t want to spoil it. But it definitely was emotional, and uneasy feeling. However, I think it moved kind of slow during other parts of the movie, and felt like the relationship was forced at points. The chemistry was definitely there between the two main stars, and it felt real.

Honestly, when I first heard about Valkyrie, I just assumed it was another fictional plot movie about people killing Hitler. But this time, the accents don’t exist, and Tom Cruise wears an eye patch!

AN EYE PATCH GUYS! What! Pirates up in this place, killing Hitler and the Nazis. Sounds wundebar.

Oh, it was a real thing and failed attempt to kill Hitler? Oh okay. My bad, history.

I hope you will accept this crooked hat as a proper assurance of my badness.

Let me tell you know. They don’t succeed in killing Hitler. But you knew that. Hitler killed himself near the end of the war. Not via a plot of some German soldiers!

Movie begins with Tom Cruise looking normal. But thanks to an air strike, he loses an eye and his right hand.

Operation Valkyrie is a plan set in place involving using the reserve army to maintain order during a national emergency. They realize that if they can activate it, it might be a way to pull off a coop and get rid of the Nazi regime in Germany. But the only guy who can pull the button, won’t do a thing with Hitler still alive.

Alright, simple enough, kill Hitler, pull off the operation, end the war from the inside out. Boom!

Bill Nighy, Kenneth Branagh, and Tom Wilkinson are some of the officers involved in doing this stuff. Character names are hard, because they are all german and stuff. Except for Tom Cruise. He is supposed to be German, but talks like Tom Cruise.

A lot of the film is planning and setting up. Because a lot of time was spent in real life too. They do succeed in pulling off Operation Valkyrie, but did they successfully kill off Hitler? Nope. Of course not. So their plan probably won’t work. And it might mean pretty bad things.

Like giving up their rare trading cards!

Movie was a lot better than I imagined. Actually bought this thing about a year ago but just…continued to never watch it. Gotta love that.

I wasn’t bugged by accents of course, but that was a big complaint people had years ago. The attempt was interesting, but not as straightforward as I would have liked. Or as action-y. Not sure why they devoted a whole movie to an act of failure. Successes must be running low, eh?

It was slow at times too, so I think they could have probably cut a lot of the movie out and still told the story correctly. It would have made it a better experience overall for me, at least.

The Hammer is another example of a movie with a lame cover. You will look at it and think, well nothing, because you will ignore it.

Did you even realize I just posted the picture?

Pegged as a comedy, this movie stars Adam Carolla boxing. That doesn’t make sense in the real world, but lets give it a shot.

Adam is just supposed to be a normal guy. A long time ago he boxed, but never put in that much effort so never really got anywhere. Now he is a carpenter, been one for many years, but he just lost his job. Mostly cause his boss was a dick. So yeah, no job 40 year old with a broken down truck. But maybe he can box a little still?

While working out and sparring, he gets accepted to join a training program that is working on recruiting people for US Olympic boxing for 2008. Lot of tournaments and stuff. But why not take the 40 year old, because he is at least smart, and has at least a powerful punch. Tom Quinn tells him that he thinks he can go far and is going to train him, but is really just using him as a sparring partner for his real talent, Harold House Moore. Afterall, every great boxer had someone there with them to constantly fight and strive to be better than. Tom Quinn thinks he can pretend Adam has a chance, and also pay him nothing at the same time.

Adam also meets Heather Juergensen, a lawyer, in a self defense class he is teaching and they have quite an awkward relationship. ‘Nuff said.

The coach gives up on him, leaving him in the middle of a fight, figuring he’d lose the first round of his first tournament anyways. Using that fuel and feeling like he has done nothing his whole life, he wins all of his matches putting him in the finals with his sparring partner. But who will win their weight class and get a chance to go to the olympics?

“I got punched out by an unruly client.”
“I’ve always said prostitution should be legalized.”
“I’m a lawyer…”

Despite it being a comedy it has a pretty “laid back humor” vibe to it. There are some amusing scenes, but most of it is just a natural story telling movie. Not overly knee slapping humor, but some nice moments. Carolla really feels like the average Joe, more so than Vince Vaughn did. A lot of carpentry jokes I might not have gotten, bu I don’t think it is necessary.

The story is also not that cliche’d. It has a nice happy ending to it, and it doesn’t follow that specific of a path. Hell, the boxing isn’t even the more exciting parts of the movie (until the end of course).

Overall, its okay. But I would have hoped for more humor.

Hooray! With the review of The Quiet, I finally get to have at least one review for every letter of the alphabet! To be fair, I thought this movie also came out in 2007. Damn it. I just really didn’t feel like watching The Queen (it is also outside of my range).

Also the stars of this movie are bit more attractive than the star of The Queen.

The movie is told from the point of view of Dot, played by Camilla Belle. Why is she so quiet? Oh because she is deaf/mute. Sucks! She can read lips though. After her dad dies she goes to live with her godparents, Martin Donovan and Edie Falco, and their daughter, Elisha Cuthbert. How handy that they are around the same age!

Well no one cares about Dot at her new school. Cheerleaders make fun of her, including a younger Katy Mixon. Yet somehow, star football player Shawn Ashmore (of course, that is all he did in his roles) develops feelings towards her.

So whats the point of the movie? Oh, just some father/daughter rape plot line. Not just a one time thing, it is implied that it has been happening for years. The mom might know about it, explaining why she is on tons of pills and a zombie (not a real zombie). But what about Dot. Does she have her own secrets? Yes. Yes she does.

Flynn gets uncomfortable when incest is involved.

Turns out people are horrible, dirty things. A lot of people in private love telling Dot their secrets when she can’t read their lips. Feels good to get things off their chest to someone when they cant understand/hear/know you are talking at all. Which is good for creepy monologues.

Lot of comparisons also to Beethoven in this movie, since Dot plays the piano. Kind of weird, but the deepness they tried to convey didn’t really happen.

Overall I was interested in the story. I think the movie went on a bit too long after a big climatic part. Always a drag, when they don’t know how to end a movie really. Took a little bit to actually get going too. Typical high school scenes abundant (a dance, school lunch seating problems, snoddy cheerleaders, a biology lab involving a dissection). Obviously Camilla Belle isn’t also deaf/mute, but she did a good job “not reacting” to things around her based off of noise.

Watch? Not watch? Do what you want. I will note I really thought the cover said Eliza Dushku. I think about 30 minutes in I realized that she wasn’t coming. Whoops.

Caffeine is now my oldest review (outside of Cars, but that was a special occasion. That message NEEDED to be said). But man, 2006? I didn’t know! I assumed it was 2007, I promise.

Don’t freak out. It won’t happen again.

This is a normal food service industry like movie. Except instead of just the workers, there are three groups of tables that also have fleshed out stories throughout the brunch hour. Thankfully it isn’t the whole day of the restaurant. So unrealistic!

The manager (Marsha Thomason) is trying to get a cushy job at a fancy restaurant, but they are coming to see her shop today. So of course she also fires her only cook, because they were dating and he had a threesome with two other girls.

At the same time we have Mena Suvari, with her crazy grandmother to care for, Breckin Meyer, too busy wondering if his existential novel will be published, and Mark Pellegrino (Jacob from Lost), who seems to be the only one really working.

For the tables, we have a group of lawyers, some potheads, a woman who may be a pornstar in secret (Sonya Walger, Penny from Lost) and the wost paired blind date ever, which includes Katherine Heigl. What is best about their stories is that they are actually incorporated with the staff and other customers stories, and all given proper conclusions, in the span of 80some minutes.

Even with those better stories, there are also a few customers there just for one scene.

It is super hard to find images from this movie.

Best movie ever? Far from it. Was it entertaining? Sure!

I didn’t regret or hate watching it. But it does feel short. Some of the story lines weren’t as good as the others, and the ending was predictable. Some also lame joke scenes. If you had to compare this to the humor in something like Waiting…, Waiting… is vastly superior (and older), but doesn’t mean this one is bad. Just means it is okay.

Also, people who aren’t British are doing British accents. I am still okay with this.