Tag: 2 out of 4

“Uh oh, it is a John Malkovich movie. Better not try to multi-task this movie.”

That is an exact quote from me before watching Disgrace. Disgrace being a novel about post-Apartheid South Africa (or the Best South Africa in my book!). I mean, the author actually received a Nobel Prize in Literature a few years after writing this. I didn’t even know they had one of those, because hey, I barely know what books are.

Who would have thought so much love would be given to a professor who had a relationship with one of his students?

This is the walk of a man who is giving zero fucks about his situation.

Shit, I might have given away most of the plot I can tell already.

Professor David Lurie (Malkovich) is a Professor (shut up) in South Africa (said that already). But what you didn’t know is that he teaches English! Romantic poems and stuff. Through flirtatious glances and the such, he develops a relationship with Soraya (Natalie Becker) even though she has a boyfriend and is in his class. Oh well, she’s hot, sex hooray! No way he could be taking advantage of her in this situation, right?

Well, word gets out and the university doesn’t like it. He is brought before a board, admits to everything, and is promptly dismissed. He doesn’t care though. He just wants to live his life, now that he is in his 50s and divorced and miserable. So he leaves his South African city and goes to a different South African place, to live with his daughter Lucy (Jessica Haines) who is a simple farmer, living in a small community, and a lesbian.

David volunteers at a local pet clinic, but the job is a pretty sad one. Mostly getting rid of unwanted dogs. He starts a relationship with the clinic owner. Lucy is in a business relationship with Petrus (Eriq Ebouaney), a black farmer who shares the land. But while he goes away on a business trip, a horrible event happens. Three younger gentlemen go to their farm, rob them, assault them, and Lucy is raped.

Not the most ideal situation, but David is even more shocked when Lucy refuses to persecute the criminals (post-Apartheid is a weird time in South Africa. Race relations unstable) and not be a bother to the community. She also becomes pregnant.

Will David realize the power others can actually hold over others based on their position? Will he change at all? What the hell South Africa?

“Hey now, this time it wasn’t me. I’m white!”

I know, I know this is going to sound weird. But this plot didn’t interest me at all. It had lots of things a good drama needed, but I never could get attached to the main characters and it all bounced right off of me. The rubber effect. Too bad I couldn’t have been an emotional glue.

This is an example of a film where I could recognize the good acting and work to make the film, but still not give a damn either way. The worst reviews for me to write, because I can never really give a good reasoning behind it. I mean, maybe it was just too slow? I don’t know. But some how a wall was put up, and I guess I won’t watch it again.

Hooray 550th review! Err. Okay. Not actually an important milestone, but every 50 seems like a good enough reason for me to do a special longer movie. (Like Twilight 1, 2, 3, 4a, High School Musical (and spinoff), Dark Knight, and Clash Of The Titans).

Recently I finally finished the Saw franchise, and the last four films of the series fit my time frame for reviews. But that’d be weird to review just 4-7 right? Sure, why not. Although it is kind of like 2 trilogies, and a “bonus overall movie connecting even more shit” together. Needless to say, there are tons of spoilers. If you want to know, yes watch the first one at least, it is the best. After that

Let The Games Begin!

Fuck your horror genre. That is what the first Saw said. It begins with Adam (Leigh Whannell) waking up in a tub full of water! It is a dark medical (?) room, and also features a Dr. Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes), chained to the wall. Oh, Adam is chained to the wall too. But once they get light on, hey look, dead guy in the middle of the floor. Apparently he shot himself instead of dying to some poison.

Lawrence’s game is to kill Adam before 6pm, or else he loses his wife and kid. They realize they are now victims of the “Jigsaw” killer, some new serial killer who sets victims up in deadly games to fight for survival. They eventually find some hacksaws, that are not strong enough to go through their chains. Nope, have to go through their bones /feet to get out.

As You Wish…

At the same time, we have the crime parts of the story. Try to separate them by a picture!
Detective David Tapp (Danny Glover) and Detective Steven Sing (Ken Leung) are trying to find this guy, and investigating people. Like the Doctor, a victim who escaped, and others. Eventually find a warehouse, and hey, booby traps. Steven Sing totally gets dead.

Also, the whole time it seems that Jigsaw is the one holding Lawrence’s family hostage. Nope. Dude “dead” (Tobin Bell) in the middle of the floor, Jigsaw the whole time, fucking with him. Lawrence escapes (despite losing a lot of blood), and shot but did not kill Adam. Jigsaw/John then locks the door to the room, leaving Adam in the dark and chained there, trapped forever. Fucking creepy. Also, watch out Lawrence!!

THEY ARE BACK. But this time, there is a house of horrors set up with eight people, who have an hour to find the antidotes to a nerve gas being sprayed throughout the house. If they don’t they die, simple. Also other ways to die in this house easily, especially on retrieving the antidote. But wait, is that Amanda (Shawnee Smith)? Yep! The one person to have survived a test from Jigsaw is put into another test. That sucks.
Not only that, but there is a damn kid in there too!

Turns out I have to show gross pictures with this franchise. Don’t do drugs kids!

That kid being the son of Detective Eric Matthews (Donnie Wahlberg), who just lead a SWAT team to find Tobin Bell. He refuses to go with them, but no resistance, and tells him that he just wants him to sit and talk with him for an hour. While the house game is being played, with cameras, of course.

Eventually Eric loses it, thinks he finds his son, but nope. Empty house. That shit took place earlier in the day, and he only thought it was still happening! His son was locked up with Jigsaw the whole time! Amanda was a double agent! Eric is now trapped to die! Fuck!

<--rage dude. This time, Jigsaw has a more specific set of tasks for his victim. Jeff (Angus Macfadyen) is a dude mad because his son died, and got little to no help to deal with it. Jigsaw places him in a meat packing plant, and has him come across people who affected the death of his son, whether they didn’t testify in court, bad judges, or the actual killer. He has the chance to save each person, but it is up to him.

Also, Lynn (Bahar Soomekh), is in the same place, but has a shotgun necklace around he neck. She has to keep Jigsaw alive, from his tumor. If he dies, she dies. If she tries to leave, she dies. She can’t leave until Jeff finishes. Amanda is there to make sure shit goes according to plan.

Brain surgery, serious business, but easy to do with bullets around your neck.

Eric actually escaped from his prison at the beginning of the film. Maybe. Other cops are in this movie, but they are more important next film. Lets just say one of them dies. Also it is unusual to note that someone passed a task early on in the film, but the door was welded shut, making survival impossible. A big change from the normal games, kind of fucked up. (Severely fucked up, actually).

But more importantly, Amanda won’t let Lynn leave! She shoots Lynn, which Jeff sees and shoots Amanda! Turns out Lynn and Jeff were married, and Amanda “failed” her test to follow Jigsaw’s orders. Who dies. HE DIES? THE THIRD MOVIE IN HE DIES? WHAT IN THE FUCK? Sounds dumb, but let’s see what happens. Jeff is now stuck in a different room, with three dead bodies. Awkward.

The cops are now more important, so they get top status! Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) finds a tape recorder (protected) in Jigsaw’s stomach. He is definitely dead. He is told he too will be tested. Just not yet.

Lt. Daniel Rigg (Lyriq Bent) is our fun victim now. Totally in the last movie too, along with Mark. They realize that there is no way Amanda or John could have set up a cop who died in the last film, so someone else must be working on it. Agent Peter Strahm (Scott Patterson) believes Rigg is at fault. But that is just racism.

Rigg is abducted at his own home, and put in a city wide game. He has to figure out clues, go from building to building to “realize” how Jigsaw works, and get in the right state of mind. Most importantly, he has 90 minutes to do it, or else Eric (from movie two yes), and Mark (From above) will both be killed. Rigg himself has it easy. Agent Lindsey Perez (Athena Karkanis) and Peter are following the trail, trying to catch up. She totally gets blasted during this shit.

The first saw trap. Too bad this movie wasn’t called Machete.

Who isn’t as important yet? Jigsaw’s wife. Jill Tuck (Betsy Russell) was pregnant, and had Jigsaw’s baby. Pre Jigsaw, when he was just John. She was a nurse. But forced miscarriage thanks to a robber junkie, who Jigsaw felt the need to punish (above). The famous puppet was meant for his son. Sad.

The two detectives are also trying to figure out what she knows, which is apparently nothing. Rigg was supposed to learn to slow down and not rush into things, but nope. He does. He ends up setting off the trap to kill both Eric and Mark. Or does he?

But then?! Mark gets up and frees himself, not dead! What?! He leaves Rigg to die, and goes on, because he was the accomplice. Also, that autopsy? Takes place after the events in the film. Whoops. Also that Peter guy thought he was in the right spot, but was actually in the same building as Jeff from film 3. Peter shoots Jeff in confusion, whoops.

Getting confused yet? Too bad.

This time the special trap is arranged for five people (in the fifth Saw film, crazy!). They are all chained at the neck and attached to the same rope. Blades behind them, keys ahead of them. One minute timer, who will survive? Turns out four of them. These people, connected by a burning building, are mostly corrupt people, but not entirely bad. I mean, Brit (Julie Benz) is one of them after all.

They have to go through the traps, where one person at a time ends up having to be killed.

Wow, some of these people are actually famous!

Detective wise? Some weird shit. Way too many flashbacks. Needless to say, Peter thinks Mark is the accomplice. Trying to gather proof, Mark sets it up to make it look like Peter did it instead. They do a lot of back and forth shady shit, but Mark totally convinces everyone. Then Peter accidentally lets Mark escape (thinking it a trap) and gets caught and dies himself, so that Mark can run away free.

Also the five people? They were morons. The traps could have been completed just as easily with zero deaths, if they had thought a bit more. All it did was make the final test of getting 10 pints of blood with saws with 2 people much harder than with 5. (I thought all the non five people plot was dumb in this one, by the way. Too many flash backs and bullshit).

Fuck big time insurance companies! This is a film with a message! William Eastbridge (Peter Outerbridge) runs one of them, and didn’t approve of a Norwegian test for Jigsaw to take for Cancer. Jigsaw didn’t like him choosing who lives or dies, so he set up a test…doing just that. He is pitted against his own employees who work for him, and has to help save them while hurting himself potentially. Including the famous scene of the six interns, strapped to a spinning wheel, with a shotgun. He can only save up to two, and if he takes some pain to do it. All while they plead to save them too.

Chat Roulette, in real life. 4 out of 6 will get paired up with a dick (killed), the other 2, friendly strangers (life).

Lot of more crime bullshit. Everyone thinks Peter did it now. Except Lindsey, who was Peter’s partner in Saw 4. She totally didn’t die, secrets! Mark receives instructions from Jill, that she got from Jigsaw’s will, to kill some more people. But the cops are on to him, and note the recording is different and are able to to figure out who the new voice was. So he kills them all. Fuck those guys. Fuck em. But Jill was told by her husband to kill Mark, ending it all. He gets reverse bear trapped, and survives, despite not having a real way too. Tears his cheek though.

And insurance dude? The people watching it were supposed to be his “family”, but it turns out the family we saw were people who lost their dad/husband over one of his decisions, and the family was just his sister. They decide his fate, and yeah, they mad.

It’s finally over right! Nope. Because Mark survived. What in the fuck fuck. Mark is mad, wants to go after Jill.

Turns out there is a group of people who meet to talk about surviving Jigsaw’s puzzles. So we see some people from the past, including Dr. Lawrence, whats up cripple! We get to see how he escaped without his foot. This is all lead by Bobby (Sean Patrick Flanery), a liar. He claims to have escaped from a puzzle, but its all a lie to be a grief counselor and make money.

Well Mark captures him of course. Puts him through a trial, where he has to save his friends and agent and lover. But he fucks some shit up, saves like no one, and can’t even pass the same test he claimed to have conquered in his speeches.

Oh no, they got the Boondock Saints now too!?

Mark is trying to end all this shit now. Especially because Jill went into police custody, to rat him out for protection. He tries to burn up all of his evidence, and leads the SWAT team on a trap to actually break into police head quarters to kill everyone in his path to Jill. Who he reverse bear traps as well, but this time, it works! Yay, Mark is now off scott free. Until people in masks capture him too.

Hey look, how he is chained to the wall, where the first Saw film took place. Oh what’s that, Dr. Lawrence was ALSO working with Jigsaw the whole time after escape? I guess that makes some sense, they needed a doctor for some of that crazy surgery shit. Either way, he decides to not leave him the hacksaw, and leaves him to die, stuck in the room, starving to death in the dark. How dare he fuck with Jigsaw’s wife.

Did I talk enough about this? In case you didn’t know, this shit is torture porn.

I thought the first film was brilliant, the second film had some moments, and the third one was confusing and dumb. Killing off the main killer left us with shitty twist accomplice story lines, and made him seem like an Omnipotent figure who could plan all this shit out. I say bull to that.

The crime figuring it out stuff was a mess, because it felt like they just kept throwing new characters at me to learn and forget. The sixth movie was dreadful, because it was too full of messages. “I don’t like how you decided who lives or dies, so I am going to make you decide who lives or dies”. I was very upset when traps started having lose/lose scenarios, with no chance of survival. But that was all that dick Mark’s fault, who didn’t follow Jigsaw at all.

But hey, at least Cary Elwes came back!

And you know, wasn’t killed by the Dread Pirate Roberts.

I love it. This is another example of one of those “Hey look, I know some actors in this. Let’s watch it”.

I mean, Peacock? That is vague, so who knows. But this movie went places. Scary and odd places.

But not bird places. Just the film takes place in (fictional?) Peacock, Nebraska.

Definitely nothing sketch going on with this group of characters.

John Skillpa (Cillian Murphy) is just your average bank worker. Goes to his job, rides a bike, goes home. Has his breakfast prepared for by Emma, who also does all the chores and the shopping. Very mysterious family, more or less.

Mostly because John is Emma. He has multiple personality disorder, and potentially came about through some childhood trauma (from an abusive mom), and can’t actually “control” his Emma side. But she only does those three things, so not that bad. But while coming back from a shopping trip, a train caboose derails and comes crashing into their backyard and almost hits Emma who faints. What in the what, train!? She kind of faints and wakes up to a big crowd. Not what she needs and rushes in side and goes John.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. All these people! In his yard! This is bad. He knows about Emma, and he can’t have them knowing his secret. This is a small town in the south, damn it! Turns out it takes a while to get a train piece that crashed into the ground to go away. Especially when they want to make a political spectacle of it.

Susan Sarandon is the mayor’s wife, who also runs a women’s shelter; Ellen Page is a single young mother, who knows some information about John’s past; Josh Lucas is a local cop and friend of John; and Bill Pullman plays the bank boss. Will all this unwanted attention utterly destroy John? Or will his Emma ever leave?

Who would have thought they were the same person? They look…okay they look alike.

Needless to say, this film was very different from the start. There was always an eerie overtone thoughout, and although it was about a disorder, you knew there was a lot more up that the movie was choosing to not tell you right away. And it was creepy. Not that people who dress up in drag are creepy, but doing so against their will, from their own mind? Makes it a bit unsettling.

The film had a decent plot, but I felt it moved a bit too slowly at points. Also, Cillian when he was John after the first five minutes I didn’t like. This was post train scene, so he was shaking a lot, and scared of the attention, but it all felt like too much. His character barely was able to speak at times, and it was just weird. Him as Emma? Down right creepy, based off how little she talked in general.

Some of the plot points came off a bit confusing too, but they weren’t that big of a deal. Just enjoy the creepiness, and then never again.

Hell yeah, this movie has either a vague metaphor title, or a very specific title.

Mao’s Last Dancer, is it really about the last dancer for Mao in China? Or is it about the fall of communism, with art? Who knows! It can go either way. I already feel like I know a lot about the movie before it starts, on title alone. So exciting.

“All together now kids, one, two, three, ‘Fuck your metaphors!'”

Li Cunxin (Chi Cao) is just a young boy living in a rural part of China. But when officials from Beijing come to visit the school, they are only told they are looking for a few special students, but not told why. After some pleading, the teacher gets Li picked, and he passed some cultural tests and performance tests. His parents, Dia (Shuangbao Wang) and Niang (Joan Chen) are super proud, having seven kids, that at least one of them will potentially go on to do great things. Hooray cultural revolutions.

And where do they go? To a ballet school. Whaaaa. Li ends up being the least skilled of the dancers, and gets called names more so because of his mess ups. He does training at night to get better, when he should be sleeping. Shame on him. Eventually he kicks the most ass, and becomes a stand out performance, even in the weird mix of ballet that exists in China, between normal Russian stuff to weird revolutionary imagery. Ben Stevenson (Bruce Greenwood) is the owner of an academy in Houston and requests Li to come to America as a foreign exchange student for three months.

While there, at first reluctant of Western Culture (from his years of training and learning how backwards the Capitalist system was), he eventually grows to love it, and also begins to have interest in another dancer Liz (Amanda Schull), whom he is a far better dancer than, but hey whatever, she’s cute.

Obviously time eventually passes, and he has to go back to China. But what if he doesn’t want to now? There has to be a way to stay in America, with out full on defecting and potentially harming his family. Afterall, he still likes China, and would like to return, but wants to go back and forth. And maybe eventually move to Australia. Because fuck everything.

Living the American dream. Come to the country, and fall in love with a white woman.

This is obviously a biographical movie, of this dude who came to America from China and kicked some ass at some ballet. So if you like ballet, there is a lot of good ballet in this movie, for you to enjoy. Like Step Up, but not really.

Definitely an interesting story, and interesting that they spliced his childhood and American travels back and forth. So we knew where they were going with the movie, and explain things in a good pace. The latter parts of his life seem to have been a bit swept under the rug (with the and then later!…title cards), like moving to Australia, after divorcing Liz, and finding an Australian girl. But hey, at least he eventually got to go back to China and perform for his village. Just had to wait for Mao to keel over first.

Interesting story, good dancing, potentially some propaganda, and a decent family movie, if you want to show a bit of history (but not much).

This movie Margaret (which has no character with that name, but taken from a poem) has had a shit storm of post processing nightmares. I think the filming of this film took place somewhere between 2005-2006. Yeah, way back in another lifetime almost.

It was originally scheduled to come out in 2007, but the version of the film the director wanted was about three hours long. What! Studio wasn’t having that, said 150 minutes max. So a lot more editing, a lot more saying “it can’t be done!” Then some lawsuits were issued in 2009. This film was going to take awhile to come out, damn it. Eventually it was put to 150 minutes exactly, with the help of other people. The longer version can be seen on the DVD which comes out nowish, but uhh, I wanted to see the 150 version instead.

All of that is interesting, since this movie is about a long law suit as well.

Lisa (Anna Paquin) is just a girl, either senior in high school or freshman in college. One of the two. Legal is the important point. Still lives at home with her mom though, so a local college if that is the case. She is more or less normal, has some favorite teachers, like Mr. Aaron (Mattttt Damonnnn) who teaches math. Debates in some psychology/politics class.

Well one day she just misses a bus, but runs after it anyways, She is at the door, but the driver (Mark Ruffalo) doesn’t care, even almost makes fun of her. Waving his cowboy hat around. Well this causes him to not pay attention to the road, where he ends up running a red light and slamming over a random woman (Allison Janney). Leg, totally off.

So Lisa and a crowd get to gather around, try to make it so she doesn’t die before an ambulance gets there. Doesn’t happen. Nope, she has a woman freak out and die in her arms, and she is partially to blame. This phases her pretty damn hard. But while giving her testimony, she looks at the driver, and thinks they have a “mutual look” to cover it up, and she says the light wasn’t red from her memory.

Well that guilt tears at her. She becomes more sexually active (than before of not at all) with her classmates (Kieran Culkin) and maybe her teacher. She gets more angry in her debates about terrorism. She tries to reach out to the driver, who isn’t having any of it, saying her recollection of the story is wrong, and doesn’t know why she’d “lie” in the first place.

This makes her mad, so she wants to change her testimony, which is a big problem. Wants to go to court, finds someone who can actually press charges, and part of the reason is just to get the guy fired. Not looking for money (she wouldn’t get any anyways, the family would, who doesn’t know this is even going on). But lots of factors get in her way, which doesn’t help her anger, or help get the justice she feels is necessary.

We also have Matthew Broderick as a small role as a teacher, and Michael Ealy as a legal friend to give advice on all the shenanigans.

Post accidental cause of bus accident syndrome face.

I really cannot imagine a longer version of this movie. Either even more angst and lashing out fight scenes, even more negotiations with a lawyer while trying not to get screwed over, or they took out another subplot entirely and left the others in tact. Who knows. I am pretty sure I won’t try to watch the longer version ever.

I will say yes, Anna Paquin acted pretty great in the movie. I loved the emotion and confusion her character conveyed. But I think they had way too much going on, and a lot of it I didn’t care for.
So well done Anna.

Ruffalo was decent too. But all this movie really teaches us is that life sucks, and then sucks a bit more.

The Artist, or as I like to call it “The Last Movie I Have To See To Have Seen All Nine Nominations For Best Picture At The Last Academy Awards”, is as we all know a “silent film”.

Made in Black and White, mostly only with background music (except for a few scenes), and title cards that come up with some dialogue.

What I am really trying to say is this is a movie you can’t watch half assed. Gotta get off you laptop (unless you are watching it on you laptop), and you games and your whatever else, and pay attention.

This movie doesn’t come dubbed, because that doesn’t make sense.

But hey look, a puppy!

George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) is a famous silent film actor in the late 1920s, kicking all sorts of silent ass. Some random girl, Peppy Miller (Berenice Bejo) bumps into him at a film premier, and George jokes around and shows her to the camera, causing the media to “freak out” wondering who the mysterious girl was! Turns out she was a dancer, who wanted to be an actress. Heck, she was even auditioning for a movie that next day with George.

Well George, strangely fascinated, he wants to get her in that film work. He demands the director Al Zimmer (John Goodman) to give her a spot, and the rest is history. Eventually. She starts as a small role, but gets more and more famous, they even start spelling her name right. Heck, she even gets main roles.

And then the “talkie” movie revolution begins. George insists it is a fad, and doesn’t want to do it. But hey, Peppy is like fuck yes. All on that shit. George has nightmares about the talking films, even having dreams where all the appliances starts making noises and he can’t talk at all! Oh noes! So George makes and finances his own Silent film, but for whatever reason he has it on the same day as the premier of Peppy’s first talking movie. Seems dumb. Especially since that day also featured a 1929 Stock Market crash.

Now that George is ruined, financially and more, what does he have left but to fire his driver Chifton (James Cromwell), be sad, and mope through life. But hey, at least he has a puppy.

Also did I mention John Goodman?

A potentially touching tale about an actor on the decline from Silent to Talking films, while someone he get started rises to fame in the exact same environment. How can their cases be reconciled, and can they ever find love?

I like the general synopsis, but what I don’t understand is the reasoning behind making it a “silent” film. I use quotation marks, because well, it was a modern version of a movie trying to represent the 20s of film, by having a movie also set in the 20s. Obviously it isn’t identical to one of those films, that’d be hard, but when I think about this movie and the 1920s, I didn’t see really much that the 1920’s couldn’t have done to make this exact idea then instead of now.

And that bugged me. According to Singing In The Rain, people in silent films aren’t even real actors. They just have to make facial expressions (versus theater actors at the time), and then people are praised in the film for acting, at their ability to make facial expressions? Hmm.

I was also disappointed that a recreation of silent film in the modern era had its story take place…during the silent film era. I’d be more excited to see a silent film set in the year 2012 or whatever, and see how that is done. That is something new and fad worthy that I’d probably enjoy a lot more. But instead we got someone making a movie using modern technology, to accomplish something doable 90 years ago. I’m not about to give my money to every person who figures out how to start a fire with a lighter in hand.

I honestly think this film is overhyped entirely on the style of the movie (A lot like Avatar) and not on the fantastic acting or story, which is overall just okay in my book. But hey, won’t penalize it for overhype.

I’ve been averaging about two movies a day the last few weeks. Usually I do a movie from the last five years, to review, and then one from 2006 and earlier, so I can watch more and more that I haven’t seen before. And you know, if they are old, I usually won’t review it. So win for me.

And then sometimes I could have sworn that a movie came out in the early 2000s, just to find out that I am wrong. So hey look, The Nanny Diaries.

I just met you, and you seem crazy. No I won’t go and watch your baby.

Annie (Scarlett Johansson) is a college graduate and ready to get her big city job and be awesome! But of course, that won’t happen. While dicking around in the park, she pushes a kid out of the way of a biker and saves him from some minor damage and lots of crying. The mom of the kid, Mrs. X (Laura Linney) (To protect the innocent) is stoked, because she is a bad mother and lost her son. And her last nanny quit. Well, her name is Annie and she graduated college, she must be qualified to look after a kid for her.

Turns out single white females with degrees are popular in the nanny community, for whatever reason. So she gets lots of offers, and takes Mrs. X, because it comes with a fancy meal, and she was first. She just keeps it secret from her mom, as she has found a “temporary summer job” instead of a real corporate job. Even though her best friend Lynette (Alicia Keys) thinks it is a bad idea (and will get mad if all she talks about is Nannying).

She gets the job, blah blah, it is hard as crap. Kid doesn’t like her at first. Mom is a bitch who won’t learn her name. Dad (Paul Giamatti) is away on business a lot and for sure cheating all up over the place. She also meets ‘Harvard Hottie’ (Chris Evans) who grew up like the kid she is a Nanny for, and I guess shows that they can grow up to be decent people. With the right help.

Well shit. She wants to leave the job. But then the kid will grow up all sorts of fucked and rotten. What can she do!?

Ah yes. Glare awkwardly at the side of the room with another nanny. Brilliant!

Good news, this movie doesn’t turn into “And then she lived happily ever after as a nanny for the rest of her life” or a “And then she found true love and never had to nanny again for the rest of her life” story. Hooray! Romance is there, but not central and not dramatic, just mainly to show the foil as I mentioned above. Similarly, she only does nanny for a short time, and discovers what she wants to do with her life.

This movie, based on a book, honestly didn’t surprise me too much. Mrs. X was a horrifying bitch, unbelievable attitude that I could not understand. Just made me mad the whole film, which I guess is the point. I did like the overall story though, surprisingly enough, yet not entirely sure if its just because I like Scarlett Johansson.

Hmm. Probably just that.

Beatles. People love The Beatles. I can understand their cultural impact on rock and music afterwards, and appreciate it, while not caring about their music at the same time.

Now that that is out of the way, moving on!

Across The Universe is a musical, not adapted from Broadway (original (almost!)), and features only Beatles music. Yay! Well, more or less that means nothing. I knew I’d watch it one day, just wasn’t rushing to the stores when it came out to see it. They can’t all be Mamma Mia!

I bet if I showed random pictures, hardcore Beatles fans could guess the song associated with it, even if they haven’t seen the movie.

Across The Universe is a few different stories wrapped into one, about different people in the 60s/70s America. Each character has its own plot, and gets wrapped up in the rest but all come from their own different backgrounds. Jude (Jim Sturgess) (Come on, you knew someone would be named Jude) is a individual from Liverpool, who has never known his dad, an American who was came over during WW2. So he gets to the USA, illegally, to look for his dad.

At the university where his dad works (janitor), he meets Max (Joe Anderson) a rebellious spirit, and eats dinner at their house, where Max’s dad is very angry about his sons lack of prospects. Jim also meets Max’s sister, Lucy (Evan Rachel Wood) who is upset because her boyfriend is going off to war. After an argument, Max leaves the house and Jim agrees to get an apartment with him in NYC (BFFs instantly!).

They find a loft sharing with the much older, trying to make it as a female rock star Sadie (Dana Fuchs) who provides a nice outlet for singing Beatles songs if there is no good context. Yay bands in musicals. Jo-Jo (Martin Luther) leaves Detroit after the 60s riots, where his younger brother was killed, and eventually finds and joins Sadie’s band as a lead guitarist before she hits it off big. Also interracial loving.

Also Prudence (T.V. Carpio), an asian cheerleader who just finished high school, left the area for being in love with another girl and unable to show her feelings. She also moves to NYC (and that apartment), falls in love with Sadie, but she doesn’t like chicks. She also is pretty emo, runs away a lot, joins a circus and shit.

Main storyline wise, eventually Lucy also goes to NYC after her boyfriend dies in ‘Nam, and develops feelings for Jude. Max also gets drafted and goes to war where everyone assumes he dies. Jude is a painter, and can’t get into protesting as much as Lucy does (who might be getting it on with some anti-war people), and eventually gets sent back to the UK for being here illegally. In the UK, Jude assumes Lucy dies in a home made bomb explosion, and lots of sad things happen, before some happier things.

Also are cameos by Bono and Eddie Izzard, both involving drugs and other free spirit hallucinogens.

And then stuff like this happened.

That was a shit ton of story lines, and plot, and I left out plenty. But lets face it, if I put another paragraph explaining the ends to all the storylines, you wouldn’t mind much. You want to watch this movie for the music, not the acting or plot lines. But still, plot wise, I found a lot of it interesting. I found the Prudence plot line a bit more confusing, must have missed it a bit in the beginning. I liked Jo-Jos a lot, and Max’s, but the main Jude/Lucy plot line felt weird to me. Just didn’t believe it all, too much weird angst.

The movie also movies very fast, and is over two hours to encompass all the plot (and more music, of course). Generally most of the songs were good, and as far as I could tell, most sounded a lot like the Beatles versions. There were obvious changes to some, and mixed songs, which were generally decent. My favorite parts would be the Let It Be/ Come Together scenes, involving Detroit riots, the brother, funeral, and Jo-Jo leaving. Felt pretty powerful to me. Also only click that first one if you want to be sad.

A lot of the choreography was really good as well, in particular the I Want You (She’s So Heavy) song, which I hadn’t heard before. But that one is also incredibly weird.

So hey, overall I will give it to the filmmakers for trying something different, direct to film musicals are always rare, and generally try for wider appeals. But jukebox musicals are an easy way to get it done. “Like the Beatles, then you will love this song!”. Overall, despite the decent singing, good choreography, I felt the film just had too much going on in it. Crazy ass visuals were distractions for me, and harder for me to grasp what was actually happening at times.

What better way to celebrate the American Independence Day than with a movie entitled Outsourced?

Har har har. The title probably sounds familiar, because NBC later took the movie and turned it into a sitcom. Only lasted a season, but was pretty funny. Same concept, names same for characters and everything. Just a bit more comedic vs serious.

I am sure I never would have heard of this movie if it wasn’t for the show. Just hoping it isn’t completely identical to show, I wouldn’t want to know everything that happens already.

Aw, fruit. It is in India.

Todd (Josh Hamilton) works in a call center in America. His company is weird, sells only novelty knick knacks to the United States. Sure, most of it is made in China, but you might need an American Flag lamp. Well his division is getting shut down, but don’t worry, his boss (Matt Smith) is giving him a promotion! To India, to go to their call center there to increase their efficiency. Make them more American, and sound American, so callers wont get mad.

He agrees, after he fixes up India, he will get an offer somewhere else higher in the company. Seems good. Especially when the other option is quitting and trying to find another job in this economy. Yuck! Next thing we know, India! He is met by Puro (Asif Basra), the manager who will be in charge when Todd is done, who wants to learn all he can. Puro, once he is a successful manager, will be able to marry and care for the woman of his dreams. In the group there is also the outspoken Asha (Ayesha Dharker), who is very blunt with her criticisms of her new boss, his attitude in India, and in her confusion with American customs.

So as expected, the movie is based in cultural humor and of a man discovering himself in India. He can’t just teach them about America and expect them to get it, he has to embrace himself as an Indian to better relate and teach them. Hard to sell jokes if they don’t get the same jokes.

Holi is a crazy holiday. Sometimes it requires reflection.

Writing that plot felt weird, mostly because it was just the same as the Outsourced show, but it ends after the movie. Since the show got canceled unexpectedly, it is interesting to watch the movie to see probably where the show was going. A pretty fucked up, yet also completely acceptable, ending.

I was originally going to give it a 3 out of 4, as I thought it was really well done, but while trying to talk about the plot, I found myself getting a bit bored. The film allows for a lot of quiet moments, and although amusing and interesting, I realized I probably wont watch it again. Not sure if the jokes have lasting power, and with no other plot surprises, just loses a bit of longevity.

It is a shame, because it is well acted and at least spawned an almost successful series. It is unfortunate that most people who see the movie would have to compare it to the show, where it is easier to relate and connect with all of the characters (more time). I mean, I cant even name another office worker, except for Manmeat, whose role is significantly downplayed in the movie, ie just someone who flirts with women over the phone.

But hey, definitely an interesting movie/message, involving and starring India itself.

As promised, Mirror Mirror review slightly after Snow White And The Huntsman. I had to give myself time to fully digest the plot from my system. Because no one wants to see two similar movies so close together.

Unless you really really love Snow White based content, then I don’t know.

If you are that above person, check this shit out. It’s Snow White. Fuck yeah, right?

In this movie, Snow White’s (Lily Collins) mom died during child birth. Very sad. Her dad (Sean Bean) thought it would be good for her to have a mom, so he found a beautiful woman to call Queen (Julia Roberts). Many years after that, there is rumors of a Beast in the forest, to which the King goes to investigate but never returns! Ten years after that, hey look, Snow is turning 18.

She has been shut inside, the Queen making everyone thinks she is afraid of the outside, in order to make her a bad ruler, while she taxes the kingdom to poorness for rich parties. Boo. Well, the Baker Margaret (Mare Winningham) is Snow’s biggest supporter, and lets her know that shit is going bad and she wants to investigate. Well it sucks. Eventually she wanders the forest where she finds Prince Alcott (Armie Hammer) and his assistant, tied up, attacked by giants! Or at least dwarves dressed up as giants. They go to the castle and thank the girl.

Oh shit she is a Princess, they find out later, and the Prince likes her a lot. Pisses off the Queen, who demands her death, but instead, she escapes to the forest and finds the dwarves. Queen banished them from the kingdom and they are forced to live alone! And they are all midgets. Like Jordan Prentice and Ronald Lee Clark.

They agree to let her join and train her to fight and steal, and increase her wit so they can steal from the queen the taxes and return them to the city! She is even able to fend off an attack from the Prince and a group (partially under spell). Once the Queen uses more magic to have a wedding, the group steal the Prince and attempt to break the spell. But will the beast that lives in the forest come a knocking? Why does the Queen waste her precious magic on turning her assistant (Nathan Lane) into a Cockroach for a bit, instead of like, some torture.

The fact that she gets trained and is more than one fight makes her arguably more of a warrior than the Snow White in that other movie.

Alright, so that the films are a bit different, Mirror Mirror ended up being the “comedy one” instead of the “Serious one” (which there has been numerous of both in the past). If I judged the latter poorly on being a bad serious movie, then I would have to judge this based on its comedic value. Well, not much was too funny. I thought Julia Roberts was pretty bad in this movie as a Queen. Charlize Theron blows her out of the water (“Just review this movie, damn it! Stop comparing!” – Reader. “Fine” – Me”).

But I felt this was an overall more complete feeling movie, with a bit better plot. Cheesy as all heck, but everyone likes Cheese. The visuals were vivid as shit, because this is done by the same guy who gave us the Immortals, which focused more on visuals than a decent and coherent story. (Alright alright, no more other movie talk). The ending also, out of no where, featured a weird Bollywood number, which I enjoyed, but uh, the lyrics/singing weren’t good.

I think overall the beginning was a bit too slow, but it picked up once Snow White was “killed” and left the castle. Dwarves were sweet, Prince was amusing, and Snow White was more bad ass in this film than the other (Hah! Still did it anyways. Neener neener). But still weak in other parts. Oh well.