Tag: 1 out of 4

I think this movie didn’t know what it wanted to be. First part was amusing in a violent sort of way, and then it almost tried to be some sort of a cheesy 80’s cop show (based off the soundtrack). But then when it tried to get serious, it never really got there.

This movie is about a Tactical Force unit that just doesn’t do things by the book! Effective? Sure. But no one seemed to pay attention in SWAT class.
Including a hilarious lesson on how to properly stop someone with hostages. That is internet sarcasm.

Shut your dirty mouth, ORLY Owl

While going to a warehouse to run test missions with fake bullets and what not, they accidentally encounter a real gorup of bad guys. Oh no! With no bullets, versus a ton of people with bullets? However will they stop them? Oh yeah. TACTICAL FORCE!

So more things happen. More kinda violence. Steve Austin, the leader, ends up wrestling with someone else. Weird for a SWAT guy, but I guess they were going for that. I thought Michael Jai White (Black Dynomiteeee) was pretty good at his role. There was a “Twist” ending as well, that really didn’t mean anything or need to exist. I understand it. But it didn’t add anything to the movie or trick you in any way. Just kinda blah.

Well, I should have seen that coming. Afterall, thinking of video game movies that aren’t lame is hard to do. The plot of Tekken is kind of like the game, Tekken. Kind of.

Some character lines (Heihachi, Kazuya, Jin) make sense, while others with characters from the game’s stories are completely ignored. One woman fighter is supposed to be the mom of another fighter, but they don’t interact at all with each other, and her son is older than her. Whoops?

Although it had the brazillian Eddie and Yoshitmitsu, I was sad to not see Jack, Paul, King, etc. Probably because I haven’t played since Tekken 3.

Or the best Tekken character ever, PANDA!

Finally, even if it wasn’t based closely on the game, the movie was a mess. The whole tournament arbitrarily kept changing, never knowing actually how the rounds ended up working. Oh suddenly we are at the finals? Okay. Why is this person in the movie and never shown to fight? Whatever. Tournaments should be simple to follow. Not random. Easiest part in the movie to make simple.

Did I mention the plot was stupid too? The game has so much plot in it, everyones storyline, but it kept changing things. Fighting games that work on a story line are some of the easiest to convert and explain. All fights have a reason and what not. Oh well, where is my Soul Calibur movie? Complete with more Yoshimitsu of course.

1 out of 4.

Jesus. I mean really, Jesus. This film is super Christian based, and I had no idea. Putting the Soul in Soul Surfer.I was just hoping for cool surfing, shark attacks, and creepy one armed women. Sounds like a horror right? Thankfully this movie has Kevin Sorbo in it. Who doesn’t love Hercules? Even if he is going Hawaiian Shirt on you.

No one doesn’t love Hercules

Unfortunately this movie also has Carrie Underwood in it, as her first real role in anything. She plays a Christian pastor thing, and it is pretty obvious she isn’t a real actress. All she seems to do is guilt trip miss surfer. Who played the Violet Beauregarde character in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! Now that’s creepy.

Maybe AnnaSophia Robb just plays winners.

This movie definitely focused a lot less on sharks and more on Christianity. Like, the scene with the shark is super quick. He bites and leaves. Rude. Doesn’t even want to snuggle. It also took forever. It kept teasing you knowing that you knew it was coming. But it kept not happening. Seriously, not only was this movie just secretly a pro Jesus movie, it is also kind of boring.

Sure this is a true story. But there is no way the rival surfer girl is as bitchy as the one in this movie. There is also no way her parents are as cool as Helen Hunt and Dennis Quaid.

Wait a minute. Jesus? Sharks? Violet Beauregarde? Kevin Sorbo in a Hawaiian T-Shirt? Carrie Underwood trying to act? Maybe this was a horror. That would explain it. I don’t like horrors.

This Nine is of course not to be confused with the other 9. As you can see, this is spelled out, and the other is a number. I watched them on the same day. This was a mistake. Not watching them on the same day, but watching this at all. All I knew about this was that it was based off of a musical of the same name, about some other movie (8 1/2, don’t get lost now), and involved the director being with tons of different women. Unfortunately, in my mind it did not translate well from musical to movie of musical.

First off, this film was boring. It has no real way to hook people in who don’t already know the story or the movie its based off of. The songs are few and far between, while not to mention not being too interesting to listen to. It seemed like every character got their own song, and that was it. No real harmony. The main dude is Daniel Day-Lewis, fresh from his role as crazy oil tycoon in There Will Be Blood.

If you weren’t expecting a picture like this after that reference, we can’t be friends.

I could be wrong about not much harmony between singers, because I stopped caring while watching it. I heard a lot of songs didn’t even make it into the movie, including the song called Nine. What the hell? Seems like a poor judgement call. Other singers include Fergie, Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson, and Penelope Cruz.

This thing is way too artsy, and way too boring for anyone but already lovers of the material to watch.

Black Swan, Pretty Popular, not for me.

Okay I get it. Natalie Portman. She can be a great actress. In this movie she is supposed to play this very sheltered girl trying to get into her “Black Swan side” in order to get the big part of the ballet she has dreamed about forever. The director thinks she is too pure. She must prove him wrong! Also, she has mental problems that she never knew about. (Well, that she ignored).

That sucks. But I feel like if a person does a good portrayal of someone fucked up, then they get academy award talk and chatter. People will say I don’t get it, but there was much to get. Everything that happens in the film is easily explained, and the transformation at the end is just a metaphor. Hard work alone doesn’t deserve a great review. I need to be interested, and I failed to find this interesting.

Mila Kunis kind of bored me too. She is supposed to be the wild child in this movie. She is, definitely way more than Portman. But I just didn’t see her as a ballet dancer. Also the lesbian scene creeped me out too. I think I was supposed to be, but I am pretty sure the concept was a big reason why a lot of people went to see it.

“Oh! Sorry I came in without knocking. Yeah…I’ll leave…right now…yeah…leaving…okay…gone.”