Tag: 1 out of 4

Damn you Jerry Bruckheimer Films!

And the man himself while we are at it.

Here is brief history of Pirates for me. PotC1? Loved it. PotC2? Hated how long it was and found the ending to be a nonconclusive end to the story. I hate it when movies end but not close the story, forcing you to see a sequel. So I didn’t. Never saw PotC3. Pretty much the same thing that happened with the Matrix Trilgoy for me. Almost did a few weeks ago, but figured it would be too long. When I heard PotC4 had nothing to do with the original trilogy, minus Jack Sparrow/Johnny Depp, I said “Fuck yeah!”

In this movie, Geoffrey Rush is back as Barbossa, but there is also Ian McShane as Blackbeard! And Penelope Cruz as Blackbeard’s daughter! The latter two are obviously new people. Blackbeard! Rawr! He is the bad guy! So is Barbossa. Kinda. But yes. Also the British are involved. And the Spanish.

They are going to the Fountain of Youth! But can’t go straight there, obviously have to collect a few things first. I did enjoy the mermaid scenes. Reminded me of the underwater dead walk stuff going on, that made the first really epic. The first mermaid looked like Amanda Seyfried too. Even though I generally always hate the scenes where Jack is messing with the Brits, the opening escape scene was pretty nifty. The unknown guy who played the priest, Sam Claflin, was my favorite new person added to the series, and when they unfortunately make more of these, I hope he is the next Bloom. [He wont be].

So I was going to give this movie a solid 2. It was interesting, pretty, not the best. But reminded me too much of 2 in terms of what happens, scenery, and what not. Most of the things are predictable, especially all of the ending, which is lame. But after the ending? RAGEEE! Sure parts were finished, but the ending was another bullshit ending. Not as bad as the second, but bullshit nonetheless. Fuck fuck fuck fuck that.

I can’t believe I did this whole review without a single Pirates joke. Oh damn it!

1 out of 4.

First off, I am pretty sure this movie is secretly made by the creators of Gossip Girl. Two of the three main characters in this movie are from that show, which weirds me out. Leighton Meester and Katie Cassidy. The ‘star’ however is teen sensation (for some reason?) is Selena Gomez. I am sure it is some Disney reason. All I know about her is she is dating Justin Bieber. But seriously, two people from Gossip Girl? How can that be?

“That’s one secret I will never tell, XOXO.”

Damn you, Gossip Girl! Whoever you are…

This tells the story of two friends (Selena and Katie) who after graduating high school are going to Paris for a week. Surprise! Selena’s older sister is going too, Leighton. Somehow, a British Heiress is in the same building as them, and she looks just like Selena. So, they get confused for her, and get whisked away to Monte Carlo! Katie also has a boyfriend at home, played by Canada’s favorite almost 30 year old guy in Glee, Cory Monteith.

So, yeah. More or less they all have their own adventures, eventually get found out in the end, but don’t worry, everything will work out for everyone.

And it was sooo lame. This movie felt super long, probably due to boredom. The plot is just silly and unfeasible. Not to mention the whole thing seems to be based off of an incorrect Gandhi quote.

Gorgon Reviews, helping you avoid bad movies, and fix your quote knowledge.

At night time in Monte Carlo, fire rains from the sky.

1 out of 4.

Whoa. The director of How Do You Know is the director of As Good As It Gets. Holy shit. That movie was awesome. Maybe this one is too?

Nope. The only real constant between the movies is Jack Nicholson.

But less crazy dog love.

Unfortunately even Jack Nicholson’s character is particularly weak in this movie. The synopsis was a bit confusing, both in trailer and reading, so here we go. Reese Witherspoon is an olympic soft ball player who had just got cut from the roster (getting old there, Reese). Owen Wilson is a pitcher for the Nationals. Paul Rudd is executive who is suddenly being indicted because of, well, he doesn’t know why, and Jack is his dad/boss.

So through a serious of awkward dates, no one knows really who likes who. Well, Paul Rudd and Owen Wilson are sure they don’t like each other. So the title is asking the question, How Do You Know if you are in love?

But blahhh. Does it fall short. Neither Reese nor Owen are particularly good characters. While watching this movie, you won’t care for them, you will only care for Paul Rudd. You hope he is happy by the end, and gets out of the mess, but unfortunately (thanks to a nice list shown in the movie) even with his happy ending, it still has negative consequences on his life. He also is still jobless! That has to suck.

One of the better parts was played by the pregnant secretary. Her acting was crazy good, yet still for some reason I don’t provide a link to her imdb. That is just the way the world works.

Spoilers. In this scene, Rudd kills Witherspoon.

Part of the problem too is it just takes too long for the outcome. Doesn’t even give me the normal cheap joys a regualr romcom would. Barely any conflict. Just people being unsure about who is a true love or not. Borrring.

Hey look, a sci-fi action film! I will admit, when I saw the trailer I thought that this movie would be stupid. Some weird future where everyone sits at home, and they have much more prettier versions of themselves walking around doing shit, yet the user gets to experience the feelings so it is okay? These Surrogates probably just represent our dependence on technology/better video games, gone to an extreme.

Surrogates! They have become cheap enough so that everyone can have them! There was no real hobos to speak of (maybe, I will get to that). With the perfect robot body, everyone looks sexy despite their actual appearance, all they have to do is sit in a chair and take it. The rise of surrogates brought accidental deaths down to very low, and crime to an all time low. After all, With a world full of beautiful people, what could go wrong?

Oh yeah. Honestly, this shit still creeps me out.

BUT WAIT. Not everyone has conformed. There are colonies around the US (I am not sure if other countries are really talked about here) who think it is unnatural and want to just be humans. These may just be hobos too. They live together, have no other jobs. Follow a prophet who will help end the robot scum. Speaking of ending robot scum, one guy dies from some crazy gun. His surrogate explodes, and the user is killed (first time ever). That guy is the son of creator of Surrogates.

I wonder if I have to explain this picture?

Thankfully, Bruce Willis is on the case. He has to investigate this threat, and crazy enough, he has to do it without a Surrogate. Being a real person in a robot world is crazy. Crazy!

So while the story should have been good, it just…fails. Most of the things that happen are pretty obvious. The ending you may be already to guess, even. Action scenes seemed to be better described as chasing scenes. Some helicopters got destroyed, but you know, barely any people got capped. Given the surrogates. The surrogates are also creepy of course, as they all look too perfect, but that is what they were going for.

Despite being an interesting concept, the execution of the concept left me bored. I didn’t care what happened to anyone by the end. Not even the fat dude.

Surprisingly, this chick flick / comedy thing is only rated PG. Just seems weird to see.

You Again tells the story of Kristen Bell, having a shitty time in high school and moving away to become successful. Unfortunately, after she gets a sexy new promotion, loses the glasses and acne, and is less of a nerd, she goes back home to find her brother about to marry…her high school nemesis! Oh noes! But has she changed? Why doesn’t she remember her?

How could she forget such a face?

So cue a movie of hilarity of seeing if people change, if its right to bring up the bad past of a changed person, and other high school dramatics. Jamie Lee Curtis is the mother of Bell, and Sigourney Weaver the aunt of the nemesis. Turns out those two also had a high school falling out. You again!

Overall, the movie is pretty predictable. I enjoyed it for what it was for the most part. I would have given it a solid 2 out of 4. That’s a passing grade folks. But the ending. Oh did I hate the ending. The bully was a bully to Bell all of high school, and ten years later she is still a bully to her. She has different reasons, but she maintains the bully thing despite claiming change. She only apologizes and changes once everything goes to shit. Once she has lost it all.

So at the end (spoilers) she still gets the marriage and everyone is happy. Fuck that. You don’t deserve that shit. That is just her getting to have a worryfree life, except for that one moment. She may even be a cyborg.

There is no basis for me to call her a cyborg or to use this picture.

There are other smaller cameo roles here, such as Betty White, Victor Garber, and Kristin Chenoweth. Also, crazed ex played by Kyle Bornheimer was great. But overall, that ending made it bad.

Four comic book movies came out this summer. Green Lantern (DC/WB), X-Men: First Class (Fox), Thor, and Captain America (both Marvel). Unfortunately for the Green Lantern, it has to be compared to movies of a similar type and it fails. All four movies are “origin” movies as well, so it cannot argue established characters. Well, kind of for X-men, but that is still a reboot. Even when comparing it to older films recently, Iron Man and Iron Man 2 are more interesting, along with of course Hellboy II and Dark Knight. Clearly I might just be trying to get as many links as possible in this first paragraph. If anything, Green Lantern is better than that OTHER DC movie. The one who’s name shall not be spoken.

Green Lantern is better because I can say Green Lantern without feeling sad.

Ryan Reynolds stars as the titular character, as only his second different comic book character, leaving him way behind Chris Evans. The film goes back and forth between being a universe protection, special Green Lantern Corps space army thing, and just regular earth hero. Unfortunately he doesn’t do much super stuff in the movie. He stops the overall bad guy (spoilers). He saves the chick he wants (Blake Lively) from a helicopter crash. And he kills three people who are mugging him with a green punch. Sure, flight, space travel, all that is fine, but we ex-

WAIT WHAT?

He KILLS three regular people? They didn’t even have weapons, just a outside bar fight. That is unacceptable. It doesn’t show him “kill them”. But from the force of said punch, combined with the speed they flew and what they hit (one guy THROUGH a brick wall), there is no hope for those guys.

The main, lesser villain is played by Peter Sarsgaard and is just creepy. He never seems intimidating, just gross. Tim Robbins is also in here, but he doesn’t do too good. The movie is filled with normal cliches and tropes (oh wow, one random lesson I learned earlier helped me win overall! Also, the final boss was easier than expected, despite being scary and “coming closer” throughout the movie. Also, the ugly people die). It barely touched on the fact that yellow was his weakness (instead yellow = fear, and don’t be afraid, or else your will would lose.)

This page is now protected from Ryan Reynolds.

I am told that WB said that despite the poor profit gain, they will go for a sequel anyways. They are going to make it darker and grittier too. Because clearly that’s how all Superhero movies should be.

A long time ago I saw the Kevin James stand up special, Sweat the Small Stuff on Comedy Central. I thought to myself, man, he should be in movies. He could totally be the lead of a great comedy.

But then they gave me Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Right here he is doing way more work than expected of a real mall cop.

Movie had a lot of potential, but was probably ruined by being PG. Oh well. But then I get The Zookeeper. Damn it, another PG movie! Rating is going to be my whole basis for why this movie wasn’t as funny as it could have been .

In this movie, there are no magical properties given to Kevin James, it is just that animals can always talk and choose not to talk to humans. Fucking selfish animals. But because Kevin James might leave to pursue the woman of his dreams who also treats him badly, they decide to help him out. Because if he leaves, there will only be shitty zookeepers!

One of the first images to pop up when searching for “shitty zookeepers”.

Bring on a bunch of “hilarious” antics from Kevin James as he tries to woo her back over using time tested animal techniques. He has a hard climb, competing against Joe Rogan, so eventually he realizes being an asshole is the best way. But after morals kick in, he makes the obvious better choice of Dr. Rosario Dawson and everyone lives happily ever after. Also Ken Jeong is in this movie, and still creepy.

But really, the story is completely obvious with where it is going. Half of the animal voices sound horrible to listen too. It offers up pretty much nothing new to the family friendly talking animal movie. But also, Rosario Dawson not being his first choice is just redonkulous anyways. I did laugh at the first scene for sure though. And the ‘kick’ scene at the end.

So, as expected, this movie was not for me at all. It was way too….European. Maybe international is a better choice of words? You know what I mean. Those action Thrillers, that generally take place in Europe. but not just Europe. All over. Have a scene in Italy, in Germany, gotta keep moving. You know how this is. This movie also featured a Trip to Istanbul and NYC, so at least it is more than Europe?

I never noticed how sexual Europe looked. That explains everything.

The director is the same dude who did Run Lola Run (European!) and that is a fantastic movie. It could be described as kind of metaphysical. This is no where on the same vein or style of it. Clive Owen seemed out of place, but that just may be his tallness. Naomi Watts didn’t do anything for me.

I also found this pretty hard to follow. Maybe because I don’t understand banking shit that well. I did follow it enough to know the ending is bleak and pissed me off. I also just find it weird to describe what happens. Interpol agent Owens thinks an international Bank is assassinating people. He wants to take them down. Conspiracies. Whatever. No one likes vague political conspiracies anyways. The people who believe them are nuts, and that is why Rubicon failed. Also because it moved too slow to keep up with on a weekly basis.

Anyways. This was vague, but I really wasn’t interested in most of it. That would explain why it is a vague review. Doesn’t even get a second picture joke!

The description of Where The Road Meets The Sun mentions that it is about a man who gets into a coma and loses his memory after a car crash, and how he copes with it after. Huh. Interesting description. Unfortunately it is about 1/4 of the movie.

Soon all of the internet memes will be on this site.

The movie is actually about four different people, who all end up in the same hotel/hostel whatever in America, and how their lives become connected. We have Mexican immigrant, Japanese car crash man, British playboy, and the hotel manager, an American. The Mexican and Brit become friends, both being bus boys, while the older people become friends. There are some scenes where they hang out together and talk too.

And then some stuff happens. People leave, others get shot. Life sucks, haven’t you heard? Then it ends. To me it felt like a series of smaller stories put together, but didn’t really have to be. The beginning was definitely confusing, as it involved meeting the people, yet not knowing the movie was about a bunch of different people.

You know what the bigger problem may be here? Nyquil. It makes things weirder than they should be, and could be the reason this review is lackluster.

1 out of 4.

Seriously guys. Nothing good will come out of watching this action movie. Inside Out is even a vague title, not having really anything to add to the movie. Maybe some bullshit about “Oh how my life has turned Inside Out after I got out of prison!” This movie just screams out fantasticles though. Starring Triple H and Michael Rapaport. Yes. The Wrestler. And yes, that guy who has only been in like My Name Is Earl, and Boston Public. How can it fail?? Not to mention the wife being played by Parker Posey, aka cutter chick on The Big C, or Fiona from Josie and the Pussycats. Yes, blockbuster indeed.

Block. Buster. In. Deed.

HHH was in prison for the last fourteen years for accidental manslaughter. His friend, Rapapapapapa, tries to get him back on the right track, and lets him stay at his house. Oh yeah, and his old girlfriend before prison is now married to Rapapa, and they have a kid. And uh. Awkward? So, more accidents happen, and a dead body occurs. Also, the police, for some tax evasion stuff.

TRIPLE H DOESN’T WANT TO BE IN THIS MESS. So some more people die, and more people arrested. This movie also had a weird pickle theme. And I have no idea why the movie didn’t end after the sex scene. But it just kept going. You know, so stuff could blow up I guess. All good action movies need things blowing up.

Unfortunately, this isnt a good action movie.

But Triple H dressing up like Samuel L Jackson might have helped.