Tag: 1 out of 4

Here is a movie that started out interesting, but got boring by the end. Relying on teen angst, bad special effects, and a “oh man sequels?” ending to attempt to bring it to the big time.

Shit, do I even need a review anymore after that?

Everything I just said is described in this picture.

I Am Number Four is about Aliens! When I first heard that, I assumed it was a spoiler. Turns out that is a very obvious and told right away fact of the movie. Main dude, played by Alex Pettyfer is the main character. Turns out when they were kids, their home planet was destroyed. Nine babies were taken to Earth. For some reason, they can only be killed in numerical order. So Four (the main guy) cannot die until One, Two, Three area dead. Cool for four. But what the fuck does that mean for one? Was he the “slaves child” or something? That is some bullshit for him.

Well it turns out the first three are dead! By the same evil aliens who took over their old planet. He also has a protector dude, played by Timothy Olyphant. Thanks to fucking up, he had to move again, this time to Ohio. He meets at school outsider/photographer Dianna Agron, and new friend Callan McAuliffe.

Blah blah. Eventually bad guys show up. Turns out they are supposed to protect Earth from them. Number Six (Teresa Palmer) shows up out of no where (And you know, isn’t afraid of dying). Blah blah blah. And yeah. End of movie. Looking for more survivors. He doesn’t end up boning Dianna Agron.

Which is a shame, because she is so Bumpable when she isn’t singing.

But as I said, it was way more interesting at the start of the movie. Then it just took some weird turns and made it less appealing, and then yeah. Ended. For shame, I Am Number Four. For Shame.

Roland Emmerich. You all know him. He brought us the new Godzilla, Day After Tomorrow, and 10,000 BC. Sure, he also brought us Independence Day, but some people don’t like that (I do!). But not really the others. All over CGI’d disaster films (like ID4. Shh) or just overly CGI’d mess, if not a disaster. So, as expected, 2012 is pretty much the exact same thing.

“Welcome to Earth!” – Will Smith, narrating the movie.

Plot of the movie is simple enough to grasp. 2012 in December is the end of the world. Why? Mayans “predicted” it. Or they just stopped caring at least. Oh shit though. Large solar flares fucking up the earth. I think melting the core (err) or something, causing crustal shifts and other problems. Oh man, the poles end up switching, land breaks apart, and so many earthquakes guys. This leads to Yellowstone blowing up (a supervolcano) and a lot of tsunami’s from the earthquakes.

There ya go.

Some people knew this may happen a long time ago. So they began making “Arcs” to hold the rich, the powerful, and the brilliant, to recreate the world once all this shit happens. John Cusack, who was camping with his son and daughter in Yellowstone, heard crazy old Woody Harrelson talking about it all, and started to believe him. Similarly, GEOPHYSICIST played by Chiwetel Ejiofor is trying to get DC to evacuate and stuff.

We also have Danny Glover as the president, who is getting two old for this evacuation shit, and his daughter, Thandie Newton. Who else? None other than Oliver Platt as vague political guy who wants to save himself. Amanda Peet plays Cusack’s ex wife and Thomas McCarthy as new husband, boob doctor.

That is probably enough.

So as expected, this movie is a mess. It is actually 2.5 hours long, so you will get your disaster on hard and you will get it on long. I am a big fan of a geophysicist not only being an important part of the movie, but also a strong moral leader for the other characters. Normally since geophysicist are usually seen as godless people anyways, its good that this one could be that and a good person.

What else was kick ass? Woody Harrelson as crazy conspiracy nut.

Neither left nor right wing, this guy isn’t even a bird.

So what was the bad parts? I could do a long article about how scientifically some stuff is stupid. But I won’t. But seriously? The supervolcano was actually UNDER exaggerated when it exploded. Which is crazy for any movie to do, but I guess they wanted to have a plot afterwards as well.

But a bigger complaint to have, that in terms of “Disasters” they used the same device three times to show panic and running away. Meaning, on three separate occasions, with the same group of people, there was a panic to hurry and have their plane take off with not much runway. Three. Times. In a row, actually. Every place they went, until the final “oh now its hard to land” scene. There wasn’t much creativity there at all. Very aggravating.

Effects were okay. Kind of got tired of them killing off people just for the sake of killing someone, instead of any good real disaster reason. (See: When they first get on the Arc).

Oh well.

Champions. Or a film hard to find on IMDB because a lot of movies are called that. This one being a hidden one too, because no one really cares I guess.

It is also super hard to find pictures of the movie for, given that title. So here is something completely “unrelated”.

This movie is inspired by true events, but you know, only inspired. It is the 1930s or 1920s, and China is going to participate in their first Olympic games! Woo! Only like, running, and some karate show, and that is about it. The main character is played by Dicky Cheung (heh), and he is a master at some form of martial arts, and also just a charismatic guy. He wears hats for goodness sake!

This movie is pretty much like an older martial arts movie. Kind of cheesy, and lots of experts. It is just set to a different story. Dicky is in love with the best runner China has, but she won’t marry him. They have to do things like raise money to even make it there (damn cheap government). Not only that, but of COURSE a martial arts tournament takes place to see which group of people should go!

Oh yeah. And one of the gyms is “evil” and wants to fight too much. Also there was a plot about a stolen baby, that came WAY out of no where, and took forever to finish. It was super pointless.

The fighting was decent, but no one really changed or did as good as Dicky Cheung. Good at fighting, was pretty funny, and when necessary, sweet and dramatic.

This film came out in China in 2008 and is clearly just mostly propaganda. Just took a long time for it to come out to the USA on dvd (three years later).

“At this rate, we won’t make the Olympics until 2008!” – Real line, not real scene.

So yeah, unless you really like martial arts, you probably wont find anything exciting about the movie.

1 out of 4.

Hey look. Random indie movie! Not only that, but it is a coming of age story! Those are fun. And it is about a girl boarding school, not a boys boarding school? One named Tanner Hall? Outstanding! Oh and the previews before the movie are for Daydream Nation and Happythankyoumoreplease? I liked those movies! What could go wrong!

Oh. The plot and characters and boringness.

Also, all the pictures easy to find on google were lame.

Alright, we have a movie starring four girls! Two of them used to be friends as children, the other two just became friends thanks to you know, living there. We have Georgia King and Rooney Mara as the main two, but also Brie Larson and Amy Ferguson. Each girl has their own personality and boarding school girl stereotype. Of course one is super depressed, a cutter, and talks about stuff like it for attention. Another is more or less normal, but just angsty. Then there is the sexually confused one, who is never sure who she likes, man or woman. (The school has one boy student, the headmistresses son). And finally the hot for teacher student, picking on the fact that the teacher totally wants her. That teacher being Chris Kattan.

What? That guy has been missing for like, 5 years it feels like. Then he pops in randomly in some indie movie as a horny teacher? I think his role is more of a comic relief thing, but ehh. It is weird.

So, the problem with all of the character types is that they stay as types throughout the movie. No one really changes. In fact, nothing much actually happens either. Sure. They show rebellion. They sneak out of school to go to a fair, what rebels. They have lives. But ehh. Ehhh. It doesn’t bring anything really new to the “genre”, so it was just disappointing.

Wait a minute. Does every coming of age boarding school movie have a shot of everyone sitting/standing in a row?

As an added suck, it is kind of hard to tell how much time passes in the movie. Especially near the end. Just a boring, pointless movie.

Jennifer’s Body is listed in the Comedy section at Blockbuster. I think that statement is enough to show how the general public perceives this “supposed to be horror but also kinda not ish” movie.

But this movie is brought to us by the same girl who wrote Juno! It must be good! But if the same level of writing was used in both movies, it is clear what made Juno work was the actors and actresses involved, not the script.

Both movies cater to a different fetish group though.

In Jennifer’s Body, we have two friends, Megan Fox as Jennifer, and Amanda Seyfried as ‘Needy’. Dumb nick name, probably alludes to something. They used to be best friends, from the “sandboxes” of yore, and in high school, they still get along great. You know, despite the huge slutty cheerleader-ness of Jennifer, and the dorky whatever-ness of Needy. Needy has a steady boyfriend though, in Johnny Simmons, and is taking it slow.

But they go to the only bar in town to see some indie band play a gig, named Low Shoulder, with the frontman being played by Adam Brody. I have been told he was trying to imitate the lead singer of The Killers with his performance, but I really couldn’t say! Anyways, a FIRE happens, and a person dies in it at the bar! Next thing Needy knows, Jennifer has disappeared with the band, and has no idea whats going on. Then later she appears at her door, all being creepy and covered in blood!

Egads!

Then some people die in the school, namely boys. Who is doing it? Well, Jennifer is. Because she is some demon now, and only Needy seems to realize it. It is like the girl she used to know, is no longer there, but what has remained is Jennifer’s…body. Oh yeah, if you want to see both JK Simmons in his ugliest and worst role ever, this would be a great thing to pick up.

In a movie that has gore, death, Megan Fox acting, this is still the grossest thing.

So, somehow, according to the writer, this is a movie about women empowerment. But I get absolutely nothing like that. All I see is a movie trying to use T&A to sell tickets/dvds, with a pretty dumb and badly acted plot. Oddly enough, one of the reasons Megan Fox didn’t like working in Transformers is because she thought she was being exploited for her looks. Huh. Then she did this movie? Glad you have your priorities straight.

I need Amanda Seyfried to get out of these dumb teen movies right away. She was funny in Mean Girls, and was one of the stars in Mamma Mia!, but then she did this and Red Riding Hood? Stop it right now Amanda.

I have also heard this referred to as “Twilight for Boys” in the good way. What?? That would be assuming that guys only care about “hot” looking womens in their movies, nothing more. Clearly this is just offensive to guys (which may be pro women empowerment? Who knows.

If you ever saw a preview of Life As We Know It, you probably assumed it was the “unofficial sequel” to Knocked Up. Even has the same main chick in Katherine Heigl. But instead of the story of the accidental pregnancy to birth, we instead get the first few years post birth. Done and done. I guess they realized that though too, and made the plot a lot different than the previews would have you believe.

Or Seth Rogen was probably too busy doing The Green Hornet, or something. So they had to change shit.

So what happens instead? Well, Heigl and Josh Duhamel are on a blind date with each other, both set up by their best friends (who happen to be dating). They don’t even leave the driveway, before they leave, hating each others guts. Wooo, matchmaking.

But in the opening credits, you find that unfortunately they have to spend a lot more time together. Especially because their friends, Hayes MacArthur and Christina Hendricks (of Mad Men), are now married and have a child! Damn it. Even a cool new suburban house. Now that they are godparents, and both single, they just can’t stop running into each other. But what is next might be spoilers? But it is necessary to explain the plot.

OH NO CAR CRASH. Dead parents. Baby was at home! Oh guess who were put in the will to take care of the baby and get the house? Yep. Our main two stars.

Now these two people, who don’t love each other, have to raise a kid together, in the same house, in order to help honor their friends spirits. Also, Josh Lucas is lurking his pediatrician head into the mix, to try and get some of that Heigl too.

Hilarious baby hijinks time!

The movie deals with their relationship over time, until of course, they realize they like each other. But that is probably more the living together/dead friends/baby thing, than actual love. But who am I to judge? What makes this movie work is the great chemistry between Duhamel and Heigl, they are pretty great in this movie. What doesn’t let it work is everything else. The plot? It is okay. Everything that occurs is predictable. The cast of neighbor characters, although plentiful, don’t seem to add much for me. Nor does any of the drama associated with either of their jobs and future goals.

At its heart, it is more romcom than comedy, and technically all that really should matter is the chemistry between the stars. If that is all you need, then go ahead and love it. But I was hoping for a bit more to it. Despite the long time that passes in the movie, I am left feeling not enough happened.

Gamer reminds me of Surrogates, in that both featured a way to control another “person” in a different environment. In Surrogates, everyone had one, and they weren’t real people. In Gamer, they can control actual human beings! Why? For games of course.

Which is what I imagine Sims 4 will be like.

But seriously. Michael C. Hall plays some rich genius, who used nanotechnology to replicate cells inside of a human brain, meaning that they can work like normal, but robot like! And with it, he developed a technology so these people can be controlled. Slavery? Probably. His first game, Society, pretty much was the sims, but where people used their characters to injure themselves on purpose, do nasty things, or run around naked. Because what else would you do? Then he made the game Slayers, featuring death row inmates! A real shooting game, that everyone volunteers for, because if you survive 30 rounds you can go home free. Woo!

Gerald Butler plays Kable and he has already survived 27 games! Can he make the final 3? Well, thankfully his controller, Logan Lerman, is a pretty damn good gamer. But what’s that? There is also a “Terrorist group” calling themselves Humanz, lead by Ludacris, who think Hall is just going to eventually make it so everyone can be controlled by him. Oh, and also Amber Valletta plays Butler’s wife, but she is stuck in Society too.

Shits crazy, yo.

So, this will be remembered as that shitty film with Gerard Butler in it, probably. Well, shitty action movie at least. Don’t want to get in the way of his rom-coms. But you know what this movie does randomly have? A song and dance scene with Michael C. Hall, and a fight! I even found it on youtube, but can’t embed it, but you will do yourself a favor to watch at least the first half of this clip.

Bet you didn’t know that Dexter like’d to boogie.

So, even if that was the only enjoyable thing, that’d bump this movie up to a one automatically. Sure there is some other interesting stuff. But not much. A lot of the “gaming” action too seemed especially boring, which was weird. But eh, can only do much with FPSs, I guess.

When you look at Brother’s Justice cover, you will think “Huh, some action comedy movie with Dax Shepard? There is no way this is good.”

If you do think that, then congratulations, you agree with Jon Favreau!

Commence forming opinions based off of cover…now!

When I read the back, I thought it was even dumber, so of course I went to watch it. This is a “mockumentary” but involving real people. Dax Shepard is done with Comedy, Employee of the Month was the pinnacle of his acting and it is all downhill from there. He wants to be an action star, not an action comedy guy, just straight up action. He comes up with the movie title “Brother’s Justice” and not much else, but decides to try to pitch his idea. He gets his friend and producer Nate Tuck to go along with him, 75%/25% split, to get this movie and idea made.

So, I think msot of the actors in the movie are in on the joke. Bradley Cooper and David Koechner definitely are. Tom Arnold super definitely. But I think Favreau, Ashton Kutcher, Carson Daly, Teen Choice awards are the only real people who weren’t in on it. (Famous wise that is).

A few of the interactions were definitely hilarious. The first Arnold scene, the Kutcher home invasion. But most of it just fell flat. The viewer doesn’t understand the purpose of it that much, and also won’t find any of it real. It seemed a bit too long too. At 80~ minutes. There were fake trailers in it as well, of past failed projects, but they all pretty much were “mehh”.

Jeung Guns behind the scenes.

Although it contained interesting elements, it mostly just felt like filler, or some sort of TV show. No one is going to watch this and call it the best film ever. I also think it has 0% favoritism on Rotten Tomatoes, but who cares about those guys, right?

I am starting to think that Nick Cage puts out about thirty movies a year. Dude is in everything. All of which seem to have a lot of CGI elements too. Intersting Cage, Interesting indeed.

Maybe he knows something? Or maybe he just likes money. Either way, I don’t think he cares about the plots anymore. Kinda like Samuel L Jackson. People just give him money to yell and demean other humans, pretty awesome lifestyle. Just not as CGI’d up as Nick Cage movies.

Except for the Sorcerer’s Apprentice, that was all real magic.

Fifty years before the majority of events in Knowing take place, it stats with a school full of young impressionable (white) kids. They are doing a time capsule! Some girl wins the contest to decide what they do, and she says pictures of what the future looks like. But she doesn’t do pictures. She writes a whole bunch of numbers and that is it. Doesn’t get to finish her numbers, just most of the way!

NOW ITS THE FUTURE. Nick Cage’s son, smart Chandler Canterbury, ends up getting that letter and is confused. But he thinks they mean something. Thanks to an accident, Cage also thinks the numbers mean something. He accidentally sees 0911012819, which is a date and number of people killed in 9/11 attacks. He thinks this is odd, but tries some more numbers and they all match up! Sure there are random numbers in between that he doesn’t understand, but this shit is scary.

But after the next thing that it predicted comes true too, and he figures out what the in between numbers are, he flips a shit and tries to stop the next few “disasters”. He also meets Rose Byrne, daughter of the crazy chick, who also has a daughter.

Then you know, other stuff happens. The end of the world. Men in suits. Disasters. People Panicking. The missing numbers. Etc.

The first half of the movie was more interesting than I thought it would be. I was like “Oh man, this shit is crazy!”. And I was having a good time. The last hour, however, took away all of it. After the wicked cool train scene, it went downhill, both in terms of plot and caring. Rose was a pretty bad actress in this movie. Her irrational fears got annoying, and I didn’t believe any of her actions.

I also think for the ending they tried to see how long they could make it last. The last 25-30 minutes would be the slowest ending ever, if NBA games and LOTR3 didn’t already exist.

“Okay, hold it in. Can’t pee now. No way this movie has another five minutes in it…” – Doomed watcher.

Besides feeling drawn out, I personally hated the explanations given for all the events, and the results of those explanations. The final “field” picture just didn’t look good to end the film. Once you also find out that this “renown” astrophysicist professor’s dad was a priest, you can also guess where one of the final plot points will go. Blah. If you want to be built up for something awesome, then sorely disappointed, then this movie is for you.

You know what movie everyone loved? My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Sure it played on stereotypes of 2nd and 3rd generation Greek Americans, but the cast all seemed to love it, it really seemed heartfelt, and if you didn’t like it, you were a scrooge. But the star of that movie, Nia Vardalos, was pretty much never seen from again. Just some smaller rolls, a tv show spinoff that (presumably) no one watched.

So she figured. Hell! I was famous before for doing a Greek based romantic comedy film. LET’S DO ANOTHER!

“And this time, my success will stay!”

My Life In Ruins is about Nia, being a tour guide in Greece. Once only being a temporary job until she can become a teacher, she has found herself stuck in the mud, trying to appease spoiled tourists. And by spoiled tourists, I mean of course a whole bunch of caricatures of people, that are pretty constant throughout the movie. The only non constants are Alexis Georgoulis, the hairy bus driver, and Richard Dreyfuss, the funny old guy.

Declaring this will be her final tour, she sets off on one last trek with her “lame group of people” around Greece. Of course they only care about souvenirs and fun, no history, so she eventually breaks. But on this trip, she also finds true love guys. And happiness. And sunshine. And forgiveness. And etc.

Also, Richard Dreyfuss might actually be Zeus in this movie. You can easily argue it, so I will!

Dreyfuss definitely has the looks down.

The bus driver dude seems to be super greek. His IMDB has only a few titles I can read, most of the others are foreign. The movie didn’t really give any “new” sort of humor to the tourist drama. Everyone was as you would expect them to be, and the ending was also quite expected. Despite some interesting moments, it wasn’t enough to carry the whole thing into “worth it” territory.

Also, in case you couldn’t tell, the movie’s title is about her muck of a life, AND the fact that Greece has a bunch of ruins. Get it? Get it?