Tag: 1 out of 4

Fright Night 2: New Blood.

Why? Why not, I guess. I mean, I liked the Fright Night remake. I also liked the original Fright Night. It is crazy how that can happen.

The original had a sequel to, called part 2. Did you know that? Of course not, I think no one knew that. I don’t think this is a remake of the sequel though, because the sequel at least had the same characters. This one is completely new out of left field.

But a similar sized and shaped field overall. Just the left side of one.

Honestly, I might mess up some of this plot. Charley Brewster (Will Payne) and his best friend, ‘Evil’ Ed Bates (Chris Waller) are in some strange college program in not-America. They start with a night class, and oh snap, their history teacher is Hottie McHotterson, Gerri Dandridge (Jaime Murray). Charley claims he saw her doing some lesbian stuff across the street before class, but no one believes him.

Well, the pervert continues to look out of his window, and eventually he sees some weird shit, so he goes over to investigate. Oh no. She is a vampire and some fucked up ritual shit is happening.

Even his somewhat new girlfriend, Amy Peterson (Sacha Parkinson) doesn’t believe him. I mean, why would they?

It isn’t until he can finally convince Evil that they decide to get Peter Vincent (Sean Power), famed vampire and unusual being hunter to investigate the teacher. He hosts the show Fright Night, so maybe he can get to the bottom of this. Unless he is a fraud. And unless the teacher doesn’t kill them first.

Please turn to page 7 for a detailed analysis of why this scene pissed me off.

I am having a hard time figuring out what is up with this movie. It has elements that are very similar to Fright Night, yet it is very different plot wise than fright night. Like the vampire is a chick, different. There is a famous vampire hunter guy who isn’t as cool as he seems, same. There is a best friend obsessed with the guy, who later becomes a vampire, same. But everything else is different. So I feel like it was supposed to be a reboot. But they labeled it as a sequel to a remake? My head hurts. Oh, let’s not forget that the main character, his friend, and the vampire hunter share the same name? What in the fuck is going on?

(The plot was worse than Fright Night and the movie was no way near as humerous or cheesy. Lame).

So basically, a generic vampire movie that is just cashing on the…okay success of the last movie.

But what really really bugged me maybe more than it should have was the long ending in a big fountain of blood. It was in a cathedral like area. Either way, cool big fountain of blood, that is feet deep that involves lots of fighting and thrashing about in it? The blood doesn’t look real, it looks like cranberry juice, or red colored water. The blood doesn’t stain any clothing or skin either. It just comes off in small red clear drops…like water. It took me out of the element completely, and I felt like there was nothing that could be done to make up for it. And honestly, I was right.

Just fuck it. Strangely enough, this is the second movie in a week I have reviewed that had nakedness in it, but not from the main female character. That isn’t the weird part. The main female character in both have been naked before in Dexter. THAT is the strange coincidence. The other one was Humans Versus Zombies. (Sorry for perving, it was just really weird).

1 out of 4.

Yeah. We got a movie called Humans Versus Zombies.

Yeah, it was inspired by the live action game played on college campuses around the (world?) US.

Yeah, it was low budget and went straight to DVD. Well then, shall we?

But they know their audience. Bring on the nerd jokes!

This movie takes place, surprisingly, around a nondescript university. Something else nondescript happens in the world, and some homeless people might end up biting some people. But that doesn’t matter. Because it is Humans vs Zombies week at this university.

Cool, they can use nerf guns too! Our movie opens up with some rule disputes, but they are pretty pathetic.

Well, actual zombies start to appear, much to our main characters surprise. Who to we have? Random hot party girl Amanda (Melissa Carnell) who normally wouldn’t hang out with these guys. Virgin nerd who predicted zombies first and plays MMOs Danny (Jonah Priour), and he likes Amanda. Internet gamer girl who has a webcam show about games, causing nerds to send her free shit, Tommi (Dora Madison Burge). A jock-ish guy who actually likes her and her show, James (Jesse Ferraro). Dude who really fucking loves killing zombies and this whole thing, Brad (Chip Joslin). And of course, war vet turned campus security guard who is really good at killing zombies, Frank (Frederic Doss).

Yeah, fuck you, you just get humans, no zombies.

Ho hum. Well, like most low budget comedies with some horror elements, this one failed to entertain for long. To be fair, it had its moments, namely from the “nerdy virgin” character. One area, near the end, he developed a huge strategy for getting his group out of the hardware store to a more safe location using knowledge he learned from MMORPGs. They had a tank, DPS, healer, range, and wild card. Alright, the Wild Card might be more of a It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia reference. But still.

But one interesting scene does not fix the bunch. Most of it is so low budget feeling, the zombies are never scary, just ridiculous.

Having the college game component was such a non important addition to the film, this could have been any generic bad zombie movie. It maybe mattered for only five or so minutes, and used it as an easy way to introduce extra characters. That is it.

The ending almost left it open ending, so I also maybe got a laugh of it’s last minute decision to bring closure.

Basically, this movie has more in common with a shitty B movie straight horror movie trying to make money with sex and gore. They have some sex parts in it, and some gore, but not much of either. Definitely not with Dora Madison Burge. To see that, you’d have to watch season eight of Dexter. But then you’d have to watch season eight of Dexter. Not worth it, yo.

1 out of 4.

I definitely picked up Room 237 on a whim. The cover looked interesting. I was guessing it was an indie romp or some sort of hippie horror film. All of those hexagons yo. Who knows what was going on there?

Maybe indie hippie horror? Who knows.

Well, I was wrong. Room 237 is a documentary. A documentary about a movie. What movie? The Shining, of course. There are a lot of theories about this movie, it turns out, and I am about to watch a documentary going over a lot of them…

…

Yay!…

Ah, now I understand the hexagons.

Alright, so the whole movie is basically dialogue, spliced over mostly scenes from The Shining. Either randomish scenes, or scenes directly being talked about, with helpful arrows and slow motion when necessary. There are other scenes from Kubrick films too, and then a few random ass ones, but mostly The Shining. That makes sense.

The people talking? We don’t see any of them. Just hear their voices. Who are they? Mostly all random fans of The Shining, with their own forms of analysis and what they got and saw out of the film. Some of them might be actual “film experts,” hard to say, since we are just flashed their name and given their words.

So you are probably wondering what theories they had, yeah? Well, I won’t spend any time explaining them, but here are some thoughts!

The Shining is about the Slaughter of the American Indians. It is about the Holocaust. It is about sexual demons and desires, and their attractions to humans. It is about ghosts that love watching us. Someone made a map of the hotel based on the movie, and found many fake/impossible hallways/windows. That of course means something. There are parts that would generally be considered continuity error, but not in this film, because Kubrick. It could be about a minotaur and his lair. It is about the past…which past? All the past. Or its about how the moon landing was fake.

What?! Okay, that theory I have heard before, and a lot of those clues are pretty exciting.

One guy watched the movie twice at the same time. Once in forward, other in complete reverse, right on top of each other. He found apparently a lot of interesting scenes that mean a lot more, but come on. A man can’t design a movie like that.

Forward and backwards image. Pretty haunting, sure. But intentional? Ehh…

By now I bet you looked at the rating. You might be wondering why.

Well, just like I gave The Gatekeepers a low review, this one has horrible horrible horrible production quality. We don’t learn anything about the people talking, so we never get really any qualifications unless they decide to tell us. They switch between some talkers, or talkers come back later, but they expect us to remember what they said earlier in the film and who they are, without even getting to see them? JUST their voice? Shit, that is worse than The Gatekeepers.

The other main issue? It is boring as fuck. I tried to stay interested early on, but then eventually you get people with bigger axes to grind, who want to talk about everything, but none of it is in a really constructive way. Like, cool, a chair is missing between scenes. It is on purpose? Fine. Then they don’t tell me what they think it means? I can only hear the same shit so much. This movie is 100 minutes and it is insanely boring.

The same clips over and over and over again. Only hearing voices. It sure does make me feel like a dull boy…

0 out of 4.

There is a serious problem happening in America. Right now! All around us! Unfortunately, most of us have closed our eyes to this problem.

We are no longer the best country at breakdancing, or “b-boying” despite the fact that we invented it. Hip-hop is losing its appeal in America, and it is sad. Grr, I hate it when we don’t win everything!

Because of these true indisputable facts, the movie Battle of the Year 3D was created. Sure, their trailer had the wrong release date until a few weeks before coming out (listing January instead of September) and looked entirely like a parody, but the director hopes to bring light to this definitely real tournament through exciting dance sequences, flashing lights, and Chris Brown.

Basically, the exact same thing he did six years ago with his documentary Planet B-Boy. (Except that one didn’t feature the internet’s most hated man.)

Step 1 to making a big movie? Cast this guy!

The movie starts off quite serious. A boardroom meeting lead by Dante Graham (Laz Alonso), a big hip-hop record executive who is worried about a decrease in sales. Why? Because no one in America cares about B-Boying anymore. Why? Because there is a big international tournament that we haven’t been able to win in 15 years (fact).

So he decides to bring in a coach this time to whip these young boys into shape. How about Jason Blake (Josh Holloway) who used to coach basketball successfully until he lost his family in an accident? Don’t worry, he isn’t some random scrub. He also used to B-Boy in the 80s with Dante.

Yeah. This will go well.

After hiring random office guy Franklyn (Josh Peck) as his assistant coach, he decides the only way to win is to get rid of the current team, and start from scratch. He wants to make a B-Boy Dream Team, the best dancers from the best crews across America. Then he will only have nine weeks to train them, make them a cohesive unit, and make very difficult cuts the entire time.

Of course during this time he has to go through almost every sports team problem in the history of sports movies. His two best dancers, Rooster (Chris Brown) and Do Knock (Jon ‘Do Knock’ Cruz) are at each others throat over a girl from years before. They have an openly gay dancer (Richard Maguire) and people who are pretty homophobic (Sawandi Wilson). They have players who sneak out at night consistently, last minute disqualifications, last minute injuries and a whole lot of ego that stands between them and the gold.

Let’s not forget the coach has a drinking problem! Crap, our hopes lie within a bunch of entitled young adults. At least they have a choreographer (Caity Lotz)? That will make a difference? Maybe?

“How do I reach these keeeeeds?“

Battle of the Year 3D is an interesting movie, in that you know the director actually cares about the subject matter, given he made the documentary a few years back. He also uses a a real event and real details. Of course the idea of the dream team crew is completely fictional, so I almost think that it is his own personal idea for bringing the gold back home.

At the same time, I feel like he also is just trying to promote his own stuff. There are many scenes in this film of the characters watching his own documentary, which one refers to as “The Bible of our culture!” Whoa now, Benson Lee, calm yourself down.

I learned that Chris Brown is actually a great dancer. Sure, I knew he was in Stomp The Yard, but who actually watched that movie? The majority of the actors in this film are actual B-Boyers so you know the dancing you get will be quality. The problem with this film is that it tries too hard to be a generic sports film instead of a dance movie.

What do want and expect out of a dance movie? Lots of dancing, of course! Unfortunately, most of the film is spent in the training, so instead of great dancing, we just get working out and small dance moves. Most of the dancing doesn’t happen until the end, leaving us only with sport cliches, and that is unacceptable. Also, the actual format of the competition means that the coolest dancing we see happen well before the finale, in the preliminary round.

A dance movie without a lot of dancing? What a mistake.

The crowd at the Battle of the Year events must be pretty bored. I think there was five shots of them throughout the film just standing around doing the wave.

Wait. This is a hip-hop competition that takes place in France, with the audience constantly doing the wave? Damn, that country is literally living 20 years in the past.

1 out of 4.

#900. Hooray. Not technically an important number, but it is 100 from 1000, which is sexy as shit.

For this milestone review marker, I have decided to tackle a movie that definitely falls outside of my time range. It came out in 2003, but was such a bomb, that I am pretty sure no one ever saw it, and it was given the Gigli treatment. The movie you know was bad before it came out, and were willing to trash it without seeing it.

I mean, I am not saying this movie didn’t warrant that treatment, for so many obvious reasons. But just how bad was From Justin To Kelly?

I mean, these two kids look like they are at least clean right?

But first, let’s make sure you all understand where this film came from. In 2002, American Idol was born. A huge sensation and hit, it captivated audiences, because it honestly brought something new. The viewer was given the power, it was live, not some just random panel of judges. Oh, and that Simon, he was a mean one.

Well, our final two contestants were Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini and America was left wondering who would win, who!? Well, clearly we know the winner now. Kelly Clarkson is a big star. Justin Guarini is better known as Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons. Despite that, a year later, they decided to ride their fame to the ground and release a movie that probably cost $5 to make, to make America love them even more!

They also had two announcers that year. Did you forget about Brian Dunkleman?!

No, fuck that. It is movie time.

Spring break movie time.

Unfortunately, this movie is rated PG, so any closeness to Spring Break will be missing from this film. Either way, this movie takes place almost entirely in the sun, on a beach, where people sing dance and sing some more!

Where a bro, can be a bro.

First we have our guys! Of course we have Justin, who gets to play himself, from Philly originally but now lives in the beach area. He and his bud, Brandon (Greg Siff) are working on starting a business. A party business, and what better place to start than Spring Break. They can make cash and have fun at the same time. Justin is the type who has a different woman every night, so this is just more opportunity for hot passionate hook ups!

Brandon keeps getting in trouble with the law, a hottie cop (Theresa San-Nicholas) giving him ticket after ticket. The third friend is Eddie (Brian Dietzen), who is a nerd and has been dating a girl on the INTERNET. Hah, what a creep! He plans on meeting her over the break, but he just can’t find her.

She ain’t one of these ladies, that is for sure.

Then we have our girls, straight from Texas. Our main lead is Kelly, and she is a bit shy and doesn’t get out that much, so her friends are responsible for bringing them along. Kelly isn’t really looking for anything, just a break from the mundane. One of her friends is Kaya (Anika Noni Rose), falls in love with a random bus boy, gross. Her other “friend,” Alexa (Katherine Bailess), likes to reject boys and play a tease. Ah, teenagers.

If you haven’t noticed, despite the even numbers, no, we don’t have three friends hooking up with three friends. That is good!

I really am telling a picture with these stories. Look how alone Justin is. He hasn’t found Kelly yet!

Well, eventually Justin meets Kelly, and it is love at first sight. Just kidding, then the movie would be over. But there is some interest, so Kelly gives Justin her number.

Too bad he loses it somehow! Shit, she is also complaining about whipped cream bikini contests. He is totally running one of those later in the week. Oh well, might as well lie.

Oh no, she is also dancing alone. God, why can’t they find each other and have the best love of all the times!

Well, he tries to get her number again from Alexa, who agrees, even though she is kind of interested in him too. Except she gives him her own number just to fuck with him. Alexa is a bitch.

So he is texting her for days but she will not meet up with him, despite their in person conversation. What is up with that? Kelly is left thinking that Justin is a player who didn’t really want her, just a trophy number. Neither side is having any fun. Even when they do meet, they fail to mention the lack or awkward text communication, and end up having their own real life problems. Jeez, why can’t it just work out perfectly?

Well, there is progress here. At least they are dancing near each other.

Long story short, EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR THE BEST. Kelly finds out Alexa is a whore. Kira gets with the bus boy who also doesn’t lose his job. Eddie makes other friends and his online girlfriend is for real! Brandon, after shenanigan after shenanigan, is able to meat the cop in her off time and she totally digs him too.

Oh, and Justin and Kelly found out they love each other or something. Time to give up those player hater days and foster this love that will totally last forever, since they live in Texas and Pennsylvania. Also, singing!

Boom. These pictures were a metaphor. And all basically the same bullshit beach.

Big cash cow organization makes a movie, and I am left wondering a few things.

1) Why the fuck did they not cast more members of the final six/eight. I know they have them all under contract, they signed most of them to deals and forced them to go on tour. They’d do anything to get their names out. Why cast even less well known people to star in the other roles. It’d make sense if they threw in a Matt Damon or someone real somehow, but this is just two formerly unknowns getting to sing and dance with a bunch of extras. That is it. How lame.

2) Half of these songs are not unique in anyway. The CD for the film didn’t even end up getting released, due to the large mass of boos and poor numbers. The only reason we know about some of them (because no one saw the movie) was their appearance on Clarkson fan sites and the main song, Timeless, appearing on Guarini’s first (and only?) album. Despite that, no one wants to hear a cover of That’s The Way (I Like It). No one. No one ever really wants to hear the real version either.

3) Where the fuck is my Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken movie? They could have turned them into buddy cops who brought the southern soul to the streets of Memphis, or something. Fuck. I wish there was a movie for every season, especially because I’d watch them all.

The dancing was bad, the music was bad, the plot was pointless as fuck. The hate was well deserved, and we all knew it from the start. Time to go back to judging books by their covers.

1 out of 4.

I was really excited for The Family, I really was. Luc Beeson, who gave us Leon: The Professional and The Fifth Element, was directing this movie, and Martin Scorsese was the executive producer. If anyone knows mob movies, it is Scorsese.

An all star cast, the only person really missing from it was Ray Liotta. What could go wrong?

Nothing could go wrong with his beard, that is for sure. Well, a lot could, apparently.

The Family starts off with the family moving to the wonderful land of Normandy, France. Why? Well, Giovanni Manzoni (Robert De Niro) used to live in NYC, working high up in the mob. But he is a snitch, and as we know, snitches dig ditches…unless they can’t be found. To reward his snitchiness, the FBI (Tommy Lee Jones) has rewarded him with witness protection for the rest of their lives. After all, if they let snitches die, then people won’t snitch, and they won’t arrest the bad guys. That would be sad.

Too bad Giovanni keeps causing too much of a scene wherever they go, so they have to keep finding new places across France to live.

Normandy, famous for getting invaded by the good guys in World War II, is now getting invaded by the “Blake” family. His wife, “Maggie” (Michelle Pfeiffer), daughter, “Belle” (Dianna Agron), and son, “Warren” (John D’Leo).

Of course, with a new town, comes new backgrounds. Hopefully Giovanni’s idea to become a writer, working on his actual memoirs, doesn’t come to bite him or his family in the ass.

Also featuring Jon Freda as the main hit man after the family, and Vincent Pastore as a mobster. Classic Vincent.

Tommy Lee Jones doesn’t smile. Tommy Lee Jones is not amused. The good news is that Ray Liotta is totally in this movie. For about a second, just his voice, and technically a cameo, but darn it, I am counting it.

The premise of the film is simple enough. Quirky characters trying to assimilate into a quiet community, but they’re not trying too hard. Each character has a unique plot line, however only two of them are really fleshed out, De Niro and Agron.

Pfeiffer’s side plot (getting involved with a church) has the fewest scenes actually associated with it, and D’Leo’s sideplot seems to be missing important steps. He goes from getting in trouble at school one moment to running away the next without a real explanation. Agron’s sideplot involved falling in love with her math tutor, and unfortunately, the love or the repercussions of that love all felt fake.

Strangely enough, the only person I really enjoyed in this movie was Tommy Lee Jones. His character wasn’t in large portions of the film, and he was incredibly sarcastic, but somehow it all worked.

But in all honesty, for an action comedy, I barely laughed, and the action was pitiful. De Niro was charming at least. The film climaxed with a sudden blood bath, and then just sort of ended. No real conclusion and an unsure amount of character growth.

Basically, an overall waste of talent and my time. That is when I realized that The Fifth Element was 16 years ago, and Beeson hasn’t done too well since then. Clearly the man has lost his touch.

 

1 out of 4.

Heh. The Hole.

Heh heh heh.

Heh.

Oh. This isn’t that funny anymore.

Dane (Chris Massoglia), Lucas (Nathan Gamble) and their mom (Teri Polo) are moving to another new home, in another non descript good old fashioned US City.

The kids find a hole in they’re basement. It is deep. It is dark. So dark. Oh well.

Eventually they start seeing weird things happen. You know, a puppet moves around on its own. They see a tiny (dead?) girl creeping around the house and going into the hole. Just a lot of weird things. They also introduce their neighbor, Julie (Haley Bennett), to the hole, and it goes okay.

After talking to Creepy Carl (Bruce Dern) who lives down the street, he claims the hole as existed since the first fear existed. That’s right, it may be a funnel to hell, but it scares you with your greatest fears, and manifests them into a real entity that can hurt you. Shit. And these fuckers had to go and open it, dooming everyone.

“Yep, that’s a hole.”

The only reason I decided to watch The Hole is because it was directed by Joe Dante, who brought us Gremlins and Small Soldiers, both scaryish films but decent for kids in their own ways. I like them both, and nostalgia aside, I think they are both rewatchable many years later. So I was hoping this movie would be similar to them in nature.

Well, I don’t think The Hole is really similar to them at all. Sad but true.

It goes for a horror-esque element, but nothing felt terrifying, just hokey. Hell, Small Soldiers still kind of frightens me when I watch it. This one is just lacking any of the same humor level and fear. It is just some kids being kids. Not an exciting topic for this adult.

This story reminded me of another horror movie I saw in my youth. The Gate. In The Gate, a group of kids find a hole in their backyard, not their basement, and it leads to hell. Demons come out, scary shit. I remember it vaguely, I remember it terrified me, even though it was PG-13 and I was the appropriate age. I can’t imagine anyone finding this one scary. So yeah, a very similar story. Not too original Joe Dante.

Shit. The Gate had a young Stephen Dorff in it. Very surprising, he grew up to be famous! I wonder if any of these kids will matter in 10 years. (Probably not).

1 out of 4.

I don’t even remember why I first heard about Vamps. I think I heard it coming out to theaters, it never did, I was “sad”, then I moved on with my life as a normal human being.

But after watching Vamp U, I was trying to think of other shitty vampire movies. Holy crap, there is a lot of shitty vampire movie. Not even counting the Twilight Parodies, like Vampires Suck.

Thankfully I remembered it existed, and was able to rent it for like, a quarter or something. No one gave a fuck about this movie. I got the title though. Presumably, it is supposed to make you think of the word Tramps. If not, whoops, I am an asshole.

Well, you know. If the shoe fits.

Goody (Alicia Silverstone) and Stacy (Krysten Ritter) are two vampires living the high life in New York City. They love going tot he clubs, and spending their nights living it up. Why not, they are both roughly 20 year old girls, just looking for fun?

Well, Goody was bit in the 1800s by Cisserus (Sigourney Weaver), who later bite Stacy in the late 1980s. Big difference. But Goody doesn’t want it to be weird, so doesn’t tell Stacy that fact. They consider themselves to be ELFs, or Eternal Life Forms, vampire is tacky. They also don’t feed on human blood, it is not pleasant. Rat blood will do.

Goody gets worried when she finds out that if their creator ever dies, then they will revert back to their real age. Not a big deal for Stacy, but for Goody, that would end her life. Shit. This only matters because a Dr. Van Helsing (Wallace Shawn) is in town specifically to look for Cisserus. Shit.

To make matters worse, Stacy has fallen in love with a guy in her night class, Joey. JOEY VAN HELSING (Dan Stevens). He also may have made her pregnant. I won’t go into that.

Malcolm McDowell and Justin Kirk also play some pretty important vampires. Richard Lewis plays an ex lover of Goody’s from the 1960s who has returned into her life. Extra weird.

“Night, bitch. Let’s get some sausage. Blood sausage. And penis.”

Huh, this was directed and written by Amy Heckerling who brought us Clueless. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. That explains Silverstone and Shawn in the film, I guess.

I will say that the movie got better as time went on, up until the end. The beginning was shit right off the back, but eventually it found its footing. It is a shame the ending was just super tacky and not really exciting in any way.

The film is meant to be comedic, but everything basically falls flat. They go for the easy puns and small references, but nothing is able to stick.

Finally, the acting is just ugh. Ugh and a half. I strive for descriptive descriptions here. Krysten Ritter might be one of the worst actresses out there today. Stop giving her roles. They are bad.

Join me next week, when I somehow find another shitty vampire movie to get disgruntled over.

1 out of 4.

Shit, this movie came out in like, May or so to theaters. Just didn’t come out where I was living in a 60 mile radius. Why not? It is an independent Rob Zombie horror movie. I thought people loved Rob Zombie stuff?

Either way, I found out like a month later The Lords of Salem was already out in Europe or VOD or something, so I quickly bought it and forgot it. A few months later, oh yeah.

I slack so hard some times.

See, even these old bitches love Rob Zombie.

Heidi Hawthorne (Sheri Moon Zombie, wife of Rob) is a local radio DJ in the town of Salem. She is a cohost of the most popular segment in town, along with her friends Whitey (Jeff Daniel Phillips) and Munster (Ken Foree). She personally receives a package in the mail from The Lords. It is a band they never heard of, but they listen to it anyway, and it sort of fucks with Heidi a lot.

So sure, why not play it on the radio? It is a strange eerie tribal chant like noise, with no actual lyrics, just noise. Pretty metal, in that regard. Their guest on the radio that night is Francis Matthias (Bruce Davison), a man who researches the Salem Witch Trials. He really finds the track they play unnerving, and the band name itself, so he goes on a research binge as the side story. The music itself causes all of the women in town who hear it to go into a trance like state. Very odd.

Anyways, long story short. Witches yo. Curses yo. They cursed Hawthorne’s bloodline, claiming it will eventually bring Satan into the world, and the witches will return and take over. Can they do it?! Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patricia Quinn all play witches.

My mind is all sorts of wat right now.

Well, this is a weird movie. I haven’t seen any of the other Rob Zombie horror movies, so I can’t tell you if this is weirder than them or not. But it has to be weirder than Halloween. How could have made that one super weird?

I HATE the song by The Lords of Salem so much. It really grinds to the bone, which I guess is the goal. It is just a horrible sound, and I find it hard to believe they would have ever played it on the radio in the first place.

I wouldn’t say the acting is bad in this movie, it is just not an important part to the movie. It isn’t bad acting, it just isn’t good either.

As a certified coward, I can say this movie didn’t scare me in the slightest, just made me feel all sorts of weird. There was very vivid imagery, with low levels of special effects that made the whole thing look cheesy. Grotesque imagery is not what this movie was advertised as, and I was just left mostly confused. No, not of the plot, but confused at why I watched the whole thing.

The ending also is pretty lackluster, not really ending the story, but almost feeling like a strange 10 minute Jazz Fusion set in the middle of a rock concert. What in the what?

1 out of 4.

Pornography!

Sex!

Clitoris in the neck!

No, I am not just doing all that to increase traffic. I am hear to talk about Lovelace, the true story of Linda Lovelace, who starred in Deep Throat and helped changed the porno world forever. Kind of.

I also just realized that Lovelace is also the name of the Guru penguin in Happy Feet. Huh, I hope there is no connection.

This Lovelace doesn’t share the same talent. He can’t with that plastic around his neck!

Linda (Amanda Seyfried) USED to be such a sweet little girl. She used to to dance and go to school, and obey her parents! Her parents (Sharon Stone, Robert Patrick), mind you, are the type who would scold her just for sunbathing in a bikini in her own fenced in back yard.

While Go-Go dancing with her friend, Patsy (Juno Temple), they meet up with Chuck (Peter Sarsgaard), who will change her life forever. See, Chuck sees something special in her. He sees a beauty that can go far, do great things, and maybe even make a lot of money. Mmm, money.

After helping slowly tear away her inhibitions, he is even able to make her go down on him, despite her initial embarrassment. Wouldn’t you know it, it turns out that she doesn’t have a gag reflex, and has a unique talent in the industry. I don’t even know why I am being subtle.

Well, they need money, and she gets put into the lead role of an X-Rated feature, Deep Throat. It has comedy and it has something people haven’t really seen before, so it becomes a huge hit, making millions world wide, and catapulting Linda into a spotlight she could never before imagine. But a life of fame is always not something you want, especially if it comes at such high costs. Such as being married to Chuck, an abusive husband who takes all of your money, beats you, and gives you emotional scarring for years with no place to turn to.

Ah yes, the Linda Lovelace story, one of porn, and one of abuse.

Hank Azaria, Bobby Cannavale, and Chris Noth play “industry” people, and James Franco has a small cameo as a much younger Hugh Hefner.

This is all you are getting out of me, you creepy internet people you.

Linda’s story is definitely a sad one. It is a story that should be heard so that women out there no that dangerous things CAN happen, signs to look for, and how to get out of those situations and find the help you need.

Unfortunately, Lovelace seems to almost downplay the amount of abuse she actually receives. I found that portion of the movie to be far too short. It needed to be longer to really experience how a large portion of her life was, before she was finally able to get police intervention. Her story was a powerful enough one to write a book about and have restocking issues due to its popularity.

I think the movie has its heart in the right place, but fails to deliver the right emotions that one should expect from this picture. There are two important parts to this story. Linda’s transformation into a porn icon, and the abuse she took from someone she thought loved her. This definitely seems to care more about the former, and not the latter, which is a shame.

1 out of 4.