Tag: 0 out of 4

“Why the fuck are you reviewing Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus?” – Reader comment immediately.

Because I bought this and another Mega movie on Blu-Ray about a year ago, for only $5 each. Huge deal. So I said sure why not! Yes, I know this is a terribad B-movie that most people would only enjoy for the aspects of making fun of it. But hey, I figured it had to be at least a little bit entertaining, right? I mean. A mega shark. Is it bigger than a giant octopus? How big is a giant octopus? What the hell is a mega shark?

I figured maybe these questions would be answered for me, and some cool fight scenes and that’d be enough.

Lets assume this scale stays the same throughout the movie.

What’s to say about the plot? Deborah Gibson is a scientist (hahaha) and studying Whales off of Alaska or something. But during it, the military also undergoes some sonar testing, causing the whales to flip their shit and run into the nearby glacier. Also the military helicopter crashes, and hits the ice berg, causing it to break open and release the stars of the movie. Despite being natural predators of each other they apparently go their own way and fuck up shit on different sides of the Pacific ocean.

Gibson finds a shark tooth and according to an adviser/former pilot Sean Lawlor, it belongs to a species that went extinct 1.5 million years ago! A Japanese scientist comes to help investigate too, Vic Chao, thinking that it is the same thing messing up Japan. But hey, turns out two creatures. They are then all recruited by the military, Lorenzo Lamas, to stop the creatures, but prefer to capture them alive for studying, not killing.

Shit goes down, plans don’t work, and eventually they realize they have to bring the creatures together. Maybe they will kill each other, or at least one of them will be killed in their fight, and that will solve all of their problems.

The octopus has a tentacle big enough to smack a jet out of air, while the shark we can see the whole size of, has to jump up high to get the plane? Size wise, the Octopus must be enormous.

Cheesy B movie, bad science, etc. All of these exist, yes. But, what I expected from it was to see some hardcore Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus action. Not sure why, maybe because of the title.

Most of the movie has them doing nothing with each other, and military people or random civillians getting destroyed by them. Nothing too graphic either, a lot of shaky cam, just missed the action, stuff. But then when they finally do fight, it too is disappointing and kind of hard to figure out whats going on.

What I am trying to say is that in a movie with two giant sea creatures battling, I was bored. INCREDIBLY bored. Throughout the whole movie, waiting for something cool to happen.

What the hell? That shouldn’t happen in a movie like this. Its only redeeming quality should be the entertainment aspect, and it failed miserably for me on that. Fuck! I hate being bored for 90 minutes like that.

I have written before about Holiday or make believe character movies, and how I hate it when they contradict with the real world that they are presumably set in. I am looking at you The Tooth Fairy.

Despite everyone knowing there is no Easter Bunny in the real real world, Hop does a pretty good job of not contradicting itself. Mostly. So I will give it a point for that. I do not recall a single adult uttering “Easter Bunny? Preposterous!” and slamming their first down. Because clearly if one existed, people wouldn’t question it, because there’d be damn easter eggs everywhere that they didn’t hide. Must. Stop. Rant.

Because I have a way more important topic to rant about.

The Easter Bunny, or E.B. (Russell Brand) doesn’t want to do the job. He wants to be a drummer in Hollywood. His dad, the current easter bunny (Hugh Laurie…who is named E.B.’s dad. What??) So a few days before Easter, he escapes from their hideout (On the Easter Island, of course), where they make all the candy and eggs for Easter (because that is a thing people think Easter Bunnies do?). He escapes to LA where he gets HIT BY A CAR!

Driven by James Marsden, who is a slacker living at home with his folks. His family (dad of Gary Cole, younger(?) sister of Kaley Cuoco) thinks he needs to get a real job. And move out. I was confused, because it seemed like Kaley still lived at home possibly. Eventually Marsden agrees to help the bunny out, despite causing problems, and get him an audition for David Hasselhoff (On Hoff Knows Talent) to be a big star!

Oh yeah, and the factory for Easter is fueled by an army of “chicks”, whereas the second in command (Hank Azaria) has dreams of being the “Easter Bunny”. Despite the fact that E.B. has no interest in being the head honcho, the dad is stubborn, and laughs away all of the suggestions from the chick to become the next guy in charge. Instead he sends the Pink Berets (highly trained bunnies) to capture his son.

There is also a subplot of James figuring out what he wants to do with his life, become the first human Easter Bunny.

Now this picture should make a lot more sense.

I seriously am about to spoil some thing. I cant figure out how to hide it so I will just say it. Yes, at the end they stop the chick and save the day. E.B. and James agree to be co-Easter Bunnies, more fun for the two.

So uhh. James gets to live his dream, and E.B. gave up his?

But more importantly, WHAT THE FUCK KIDS MOVIE? This is a horrible main plotline. Horrible horrible. Just typing this seems silly, but clearly this movie is anti-chick. These chicks, who must live in Neverland because they never go to Chickens, have to work in a factory all year (like Santa Elves) making candy apparently? There is only like 5 bunnies in the whole place from what I seen, the head honcho, his son, and his body guard unit (who never spoke. They should have spoke). And they don’t do shit but once a day, if that.

But for the head bunny to call the chick more or less dumb for wanting to advance to the head master position was horrible. It made it seem like a Kingdom, and not a business. It gave the message that those born as chicks can never advance to any higher sort of existance, but must stay there and work. Sure later, when he did take over (after he forced it) he replaced candy with worms and stuff (because Bunnies like candy, so of course a chick would put in food they like? Another dumb correlation). But by then he was probably just pissed off at how much of an asshole the dad was being.

Especially as one character noted it made more since for a chick/chicken to be handing out eggs than a bunny. AND NOT TO MENTION that at the end JAMES MARSDEN, A HUMAN, gets to be an Easter Bunny, when all the other chicks get put back in their rightful place.

Again. What. The. Fuck. These type of matters shouldn’t be brushed aside either because it is just a kids movie. This is the same shit they tried to sell us in Cars/Cars 2.

When I first saw the previews for Inception I thought “Meh”. That is a hard meh too, not one of those soft cat mehs. Just seemed silly. Kind of reminded me of Dark City, in a strange, not at all like Dark City way.

The only reason I went to see it was because of all the hype from my friends, who tend to hype the same things all the time. But still, had a free afternoon, and people to go with. Sure I was kind of tired, but I mean, theres no way I could fall asleep during a movie in a theater right?

Spoilers: I may have incepted Inception.

Movie begins with dreams inside of dreams. That is a common motif. Leonardo DiCaprio is the head thief, because of his beady eyes. The Cobra Commander also is on the team, and helps make sure all the nuts and bolts work, and designs how that shit will go down. They also later get Juno, an architect student, to help build the maze dream-scapes. Confused yet? Good

These bitches pretty much, using a special technology, go into peoples dreams and convince them to give up their secrets. So they steal things, more or less, from their own consciousness. Bank codes, safe codes, what have you. Sometimes they have to go dream within a dream within a dream to get shit done. But the deeper you go affects how time moves. So it moves super slow in the real life compared to how fast the dreams are going.

They have to get some shit from Cillian Murphy, for lots of cash. Sure, Leo has some family problems at home. He lost his wife, Marion Cotillard, in a dream Limbo place, and has to resort to having Michael Caine watch his children while he is out doing illegal things.

“Oh, err, umm. I found them this way?”

Either I didn’t get this movie, and I am a dumb, or this movie is a shit sandwich in a basket. One of the two.

Offering immoral behavior, and invading the last known sanctuary of a man, aka his mind, this film should probably have been rated NC-17 for penetration that deep.

None of the characters seemed believable, especially that old asian guy. Whats up with him?

I think people just liked it because of the supposed mysterious ending at the end. Bitch please, that top was going to spin forever.

Possibly the worst movie I saw in 2010, which is a surprise, because I actually watched Jonah Hex too.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is the sequel to the critically acclaimed movie, Wall Street, just set and made about 23 years later. I mean, why not, clearly that is a long enough time to wait for a sequel. No one likes them rushed. It might appeal to a completely new crowd, but as long as they don’t do stupid things with the characters, then it should be good right?

It should be noted that I watched Wall Street for the first time a day before watching the sequel, and loved the original. Charlie Sheen and his dad did a great job, as did Michael Douglas.

Why Martin keeps playing the dad character to his actual sons roles, I will never know.
Must have gained a lot of false memories while parenting.

The movie begins with Michael Douglas’ character getting out of jail. What? Wall Street didn’t end with him getting jailed. I guess that happened in the 20 some year break.

The main character of this movie is actually Shia LaBeouf, which makes total sense, why not. He is dating Carey Mulligan, the daughter of Douglas, and isn’t in to the ridiculous wealth thing, like her dad. Greed is bad she says! He is also a young stock broker, for a dying company lead by Frank Langella. The economic crash has already occurred, from 2008 or whatever, so they are hoping for a bailout and it isn’t looking likely.

Pseudo-threats, lead by Josh Brolin, lead Frank to kill himself, leaving his company and Shia’s future in question! So he lied to some people and hurt Brolin where it matters, his wallet. This made Brolin like his balls, and hire him. At the same time, Shia is looking to his soon to be father in law, for help, advice, as he likes him (unlike his fiance).

Eventually people screw over other people. Brolin also was the man responsible for imprisoning Douglas, apparently. Then the new bad guy gets what is coming for him, and Douglas’ character turns over a new leaf and everyone has a happy ending.

Note the smiles.

I hated this sequel. First off, it was kind of boring. Second off, it played off of post crash wall street, instead of during crash wall street, a much more exciting time. When I tried to get people to watch Margin Call, I was told it reminded them of this movie, but they are “nothing alike”. In terms of what they are overall about and how good they are.

Thirdly, they killed Michael Douglas’ character. Not like a death, but what he was, and how he was most of the movie, they decided to ignore all of his life and have him change last moment, and do something unlike anything he has done before. That shit was stupid. I am all for redeeming characters, that is a big problem I have with Toy Story 3, but the way they did it was out of no where, unbelievable, and just gross to look at. My eyes and ears hurt when I saw it.

Charlie Sheen’s character was in the movie briefly, but it didn’t seem like his character either.

Finally, this movie was more confusing than the first one. They did a poor job of explaining everything that was happening, and it took forever to catch up. From all the people who became stock market folks cause of the first movie, this one might cause less people to choose the field. Huh, maybe that is a positive then?

I actually saw a preview for Elephant White, which finally made me want to watch it. I mean, the action and scenery looked good. The acting might have been poor, but the plot I thought would work. Or what was conveyed.

Also honestly, I missed the fact that it included Kevin Bacon. Who doesn’t love Kevin Bacon?

Oh. These guys I guess. Or they love him too much.

Kevin Bacon is not the main character, but I decided to introduce people by least complex to most complex name, so he is first. It is about to get REAL in here.

The actual main character, Curtie Church, is played by Djimon Hounsou.

He is an assassin/mercenary guy, and he is finishing a job in Thailand. Yep, that place. But when he kills the target, and sets it up to look like a rival gang has done it, his crime is witnessed by Mae, a 14 year old prostitute, played by Jirantanin Pitakporntrakul. Ahhh!

He can’t get her though and has to run. This also breaks a truce between the gangs, despite how suspicious the bomb used was. Eventually he finds Bacon, who is a weapons dealer, and gets a sniper rifle. He shows up from time to time. But eventually Mae shows up and he captures her. And uhh, gang war. Trying to protect her and himself, yet not let her escape also, to let people know he is at fault. They find out anyways. He has a lot of explaining to do.

And then eventually the movie ends, but in a dumb way.

There they are. Her name has porn in the title.

Why does it end dumb? I am going to spoil it for you. Don’t read if you don’t want it to be spoiled. OKAY HERE I GO. She may just be a ghost the whole time, and thus causing all these problems for the mercenary to fix (and overall help the area and under age prostitution)…but for someone that isn’t there. What? Throwing some spirituality into an already bad action movie?

The title is there because there is also a ‘white’ elephant is involved. Or at least light grey.

But yeah. A lot of subtitles. A lot of confusing plot involving the gang (and being unsure of why the guy keeps hanging around these people risking his life after his initial job is done) and for little reward. An thus, it made me mad.

You will walk away disappointed by this review. Mostly because that is the feeling I got when I “walked away form” Assassination Games.

Seriously, gross.

JCVD would do anything for a quick buck. Mostly because he is poor now.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is a killer for hire. He likes making that money. Scott Adkins used to be, but left the killing game once a drug cartel person got back at him and put his wife in a coma. He was mad. But then a contract goes out for the death of the drug cartel guy.

Oh man! One guy wants to kill him for money. The other for revenge. But with corrupt Interpol agents and other stuff in their way, the two assassins must join forces to take down the cartel.

Very exciting action shots!

So uh, if I set this up right, you will have noticed something from the pictures. Something yellow. Films love doing that shit now a days, applying a color tint to everything, to try and set up a certain emotion. The shit that costs them practically nothing more, and is supposed to help set the film a certain way so that they don’t have to spend as much time working up a plot or actually having a set that fits. To me, this yellow shit made the whole film look like a jar of urine. Shitty urine.

I watched the whole movie and found the plot hard to describe, because of how boring/dumb it was. The cinematography was awful, and the acting was barely noticeable. To find the plot you had to swim through the mass amounts of yellow, and you might not care anymore at that point.

I know, this review will make me seem like I hated it because it was yellow. But it was also bad.

Bad and yellow.

The 5th Quarter had a weird effect on me. I knew the basic story: guy dies, older brother of guy changes number, and also Wake Forest wins a lot of games, despite not being good on paper.

Alright, so cliche’d sports movie. Right? Wrong. Because this is horribly done.

It also apparently popularized something similar to the Nazi salute.

So yeah, Luke (Stefan Guy) is a high school kid. On the football team. From a pretty tight family. Kisses and acknowledgement of love at every greeting/goodbye. But his ride home is in question, and instead of calling his mom, he accepts a ride from a fellow high schooler. OH THE HUMANITY. Because that guy goes off road, and puts Luke in the hospital. Severe brain damage.

Eventually his brother Jon (Ryan Merriman) gets all mopey, and eventually rejoins the wake forest football team. Changes number to 5. And like I said, Wake Forest wins a lot. They call the 4th Quarter now the 5th Quarter for more inspiration I guess, to give them an end of the game edge. The parents constantly hold their hands up, to represent the five. Andie MacDowell and Aidan Quinn do a good job of staying sad the whole damn movie. Then they lose at the Orange Bowl. But hey, at least they made it?

But is Mr. “I’m Playing For Two!” happy?

So here is what bugged me about the movie. The first 35 minutes. It took awhile for the accident to happen, a while for the hospital stuff to happen, and a long time for pre football to happen. Most of it was in montage form. Video of people being sad with music playing over it. Also a long extra story about the dangers of teenage reckless driving, and organ donation.

Then another montage, of the brother training. Why does he need a trainer? I dont know, because as far as I can tell he was always on the football team. BUt for some reason he needs more training, and thus more images and music.

Then football happens. Most if not all of the scenes of the football games are actual footage. The only thing they did is showed the parents in the audience, doing that hand shit over and over. Also some made scenes to include Jons character talking with others. Eventually everyone does the hand thing.

But do I care? No. The movie makes it hard to care. They seem to be trying to do something just to make you sad, without substance. The amount of times in the movie where very little talking occurs and just a background song going on, I’d need to raise two hands.

They took a familiar story, and pretty much trashed it to try and make it a dedication to Luke instead of an actual good story. The people should be punished for making a poor movie of an actual good story. Captain Hindsight tells me that they should have done a documentary movie instead. I mean, this was in 2006. Can have the actual people talk about the experiences, talking about Luke, and a nice dramatic voice guy going over the game /win highlights.

But nope. Instead some filth. Filth I tell you!

I try not to be too cryptic with my reviews. Because most of the time you just want to know if you should watch it and maybe what it is about. Well generally 3/4 is a definite watch, but technically 2 means hey, give it a go. Maybe. Just once.

Just to avoid any confusion, for My Own Love Song, I am suggesting you do not watch it.

This picture is a tad bit blurry. Let’s call that a metaphor.

Yeah. Well, here you are. Renee Zellweger is Jane, a paralyzed from the waste down folk or country singer. Her friend, Joey, Forest Whittaker likes angels or something. People might think he is crazy. Eventually he finds a note from her son, that for whatever reason she has had about zero contact with. So he convinces her to travel down to New Orleans, to see this other guy talk about Angels, but also so he can make her meet her son.

Road trip shenanigans happen like broken transportation and lost money. They also meet Madeline Zima who was married, but her husband “done R-U-N-N-O-F-T”. She also joins them. Nick Nolte is there for awhile, as another crazy guy who tries to help them get back their stolen car.

Eventually they get to the place. The conference isn’t as good as the guy had hoped. She finds her son and sings for him. All is well. Maybe they fall in love too. The end. Yeah, no spoilers tag on that one. Hah!

That’s what you get for trusting me, Forest.

This movie is incredibly boring, and has about 2 or 3 songs in it. The songs are slow. The scenes are slow. You never are really sure what the hell is up with Forest’s character. Who is he trying to bang? All the stuff that goes wrong also just seems annoying. Sure every road trip movie has events that go wrong, but generally at least people are at fault more than just random chance for all the events but one.

I’m not even sure what we are supposed to take from Forest’s little journey / angel fetish. It could be a slight against god or not. Really, no damn idea.

Pretty much my thoughts on the whole movie.

No damn idea.

The cover of The Resident makes it look like it involves a stalker of some sort. Probably someone who shares the apartment complex. Awesome. I don’t mind creepy thrillers, they are like a lame horror.

Unless of course this movie decides to make it not too creepy or thrillery…just weird and dumb. Which it does. Damn it.

“In before the ‘rape’ talk.”

The plot is very simple, because well, the movie is very simple. Hilary Swank is an ER doctor, and is breaking up with her boyfriend. She needs a new apartment, finds a big one in a complex that is being reconstructed, with only about one other tenant (Christopher Lee, with maybe the smallest/most pointless role in his career).

Also the price is damn cheap, since she’d have to hear construction noises. Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the owner, isn’t bad looking either. EXCEPT HE IS OBSESSED WITH SWANK AND SPIES ON HER AT NIGHT AND SOMETIMES SNEAKS IN AND TOUCHES HER. ALSO HE MIGHT BE DRUGGING HER TO TAP THAT. Very romantic.

Eventually she finds out, freaks out but not with enough time to tell authorities. Long struggle. Eventually he dies. Movie over.

Before I analyze why I hated it, fun fact, in P.S. I Love You, Hilary Swank loses her husband and takes forever to get over him. Eventually she does, and partially because of some “sexy Irish man” she meets, who is played by, of course, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. From love to rape. It happens.

They don’t even make the “whodunnit” part suspenseful.

This movie is not good. That is an opinion, but I will say it in a stern voice. There is no possibility that the early tampering with Swank is not done by any other character other than the one who does it. Most of the scenes show him sitting in between walls and shaking. All Swank does is take awkward baths and take, well…some abuse. Until she finds out.

I didn’t find it creepy, just weird. I didn’t find it scary, just weird. I didn’t find it good, just stupid. I felt like very little happened. Even tried to show a whole bunch of scenes over, to show how weird the guy is, and it just confused me more than anything.

I award this movie no points and may god have mercy on its soul.

This is the 350th movie review! For 300, I was unable to review this movie, and so instead did the High School Musicals. But since the movie is finally coming out on DVD, hooray harooh.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 is the first half of the fourth movie/book/cash grab, behind Twilight, Twilight: New Moon, and Twilight:Eclipse.

Lets start with the Anna Kendrick update!

You can argue she has 1-3 scenes in this movie. But they are all in the first 15 minutes. Technically I could say she is just in the wedding scene. In the real one, apparently as a friend who just makes dumb jokes now, and in the dream one, no lines. Kinda gave a snippet of a toast. But that is all. Only a few glances in the first 15 minutes. It was weird watching her as some needy drunk girl too, since presumably she is like 19.

Only picture I could find of her at the wedding. Scarce!

So yeah, wedding happens. Very slowly. The only news that comes out of it is that Jacob is super mad (so much that he takes his SHIRT off! and runs away in the rain). That and Bella isn’t going to go Vampire that night. They are going to enjoy the honeymoon first.

You see he is mad, because that means they are going to have sex. A dead guy and a live girl.

So that wedding takes about 20 minutes of the movie. Bella rarely smiles of course (except when she sees Jacob? weird). Then they go to mysterious Rio De Janeiro for their honeymoon, which takes up at least 25 minutes of time. Yes. Honeymoon, where literally all they do is have some rough sex, and then mostly just relaxing on the beach, having fun time. Until Bella discovers something.

That she is disgustingly fat!

Yep, somehow Edward, a dead creature, that shouldn’t have blood flow to do youknowhat, impregnated a live chick. Uh oh. Shits a problem. [Side note, randomly in the beginning real quick Edward was all, oh yeah I used to kill humans a long time ago. But only bad humans. Dexter-esque, super random].

But yeah. According to random wear wolf lore, that baby is not good. It will be powerful. And it will kill Bella coming into the world. So technically if that happens, Edward would also have broken the “Treaty” between the two groups, by killing a human in their land. Killing one with his penis. (Apparently it is gray area turning her into a vampire willingly, in terms of why that is or isn’t an act of killing).

Picture: Killing Bella With Vampire Penis

At this point half of the movie is already over. If it feels like a lot of filler, that is because it is. Also if you have paid any attention to the other movies, you will know what the characters don’t.

Hmm, the only time the Cullen family tends to add a member to their ranks is because the person is already dying. Bella is going to die giving birth. She is SUPPOSED to be turned into a vampire already, because of those hooded people (who aren’t in this movie?). CONNECTION MADE. Clearly everyone knows that Edward will just get his bite on during birth, and they will have a weird vampire human baby, and she will go vampire, and everyone is alive. Right?

Wrong. I think that is what made me the most mad during the movie. That shit was obvious. They had weeks to plan this stuff. Never crossed anyone’s mind despite it happening all the time (not usually during birth). What the fuck?

The stupidness makes Jacob mad. Also, yes, that is Bella Birth blood stuff on Edward.

So the birth is weird. Apparently the baby grows freakishly fast. Like, weeks after sex it is time to go. Edward even speaks to the baby, cause he can read thoughts. During the actual birth, which is GROSS. So gross! I kind of wanted to vomit. During that, most of the vampires try to attack to kill the baby right away. Jacob, and two other wolves, and the vampires fend them off. No one gets close, no one gets hurt. Gotta love it.

I guess Bella is allowed to not smile now. The whole dying thing.

Guess what. Post Birthing, Bella is lying there dead-ish. Then Edwards get the bright idea, “OH HEY LETS MAKE YOU A VAMPIRE! YES!”. He starts biting her all over, looking for blood I guess. Finally hits it, blood becomes corrupt or something and good to go.

Also, the Wolves stop attacking. Why? Because as far as I can tell, they have some code, where they can claim a non werewolf, to love them and be there for them, as lover, brother whatever, and the tribe cant hurt them. Yeah. Jacob falls all sorts of in love with the baby.

Wait what?

Apparently the baby will grow super quickly. But ethically or morally I am not sure if pictures like this are appropriate.

How to make bestiality worse? Throw in pedophilia.

The final scene has Bella open her eyes to the picture below. I guess its supposed to be a powerful ending, but it isn’t at all. From the first movie you knew she’d be a vampire. The second one made it official, the third one set the date. The fourth one delayed the date, and ignored that fact until the end. But yes. She is now a vampire and a mom.

Of course its just part one, so I assume part two (The final movie?) will be about the swell times they have raising a family, and ignoring the hooded people. No more conflict right? Who knows.

But seriously, this movie is the worst of the movies so far. I hated how slow everything went. The first half was entirely too slow for what amounted to get married, and honeymoon sex. The second half just had them all worried about what they’d do, when they should have known what to do and just waited. That whole thing could have been like 30 minutes. Making this movie into two was stupid in terms of movie quality.

After all, if I thought most of New Moon could have been in Twilight, I’d see no reason to split up a book.

0 out of 4.