Gorgon Reviews

Some may argue, “Hey! Gorgon Reviewer guy! This isn’t really a movie! It was an online TV series in 3 parts, originally for free for everyone, but eventually taken off of its freeness and mae available on DVD and Blu-Ray! Its like, a web series! HEY!”

Valid argument, and a good way to set this up. But I don’t care. Especially since Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog is (Eventually) getting a sequel, not as an internet thing, this one qualifies a review!

Science!

Cast is obviously small, internet series an all, because it came out during that damn writers strike, that ruined a lot of our favorite TV shows. (Like Heroes! It was the downfall! But shit happens). Neil Patrick Harris stars as Dr. Horrible, who is trying to get into the Evil League of Evil. With a small amount of help from his friend/sidekickishfriend, Moist (Simon Helberg, or Howard from Big Bang Theory).

But there is a problem! He likes Penny (Felicia Day) from the laundromat, but can barely muster up the courage to talk to her. Until fate finally gets them to talk, during a heist! Which is ruined by Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion), his arch-nemesis. Plus there is a love triangle thing going on, which is no good for anyone.

Well, good for Captain Hammer I guess. And Penny. Nevermind.

I’ve seen this movie many many times. Its short length makes showing it to others pretty easy. If only it was still on Hulu, so I could suggest everyone to give it a chance. It’d be like watching a pilot of a show, in terms of length. Music is catchy, and most of the songs are pretty good. Nice rhymes and wit. Unless you hate people singing at you. Then you probably wouldn’t enjoy this as much as you could.

The biggest gripe? Gahhh its so short. If it was longer, who knows, it could have ruined the appeal. But that damn writers strike…

It has taken me a long time to watch The Expendables, mostly because it and Eat, Pray, Love came out on the same day as Scott Pilgrim vs The World in theaters. Both of which did better in the box office, despite my fanboyism declaring that SP was clearly the best movie. So, in order to make up for it, I had to do the SP review before at least one of those movies. Hooray!

Well, I know ONE cast member who is excited.

The Expendables are a mercenary group for higher, and has quite a few of the names mentioned in them. Lead by Sylvester Stallone, and Jason Statham, it also features Jet Li, Terry Crews, Dolph Lundgren, and Randy Couture. Each having their own specializations of course, because that’s how elite teams works.

They are sent to (somewhere in South America), to take down a dictator played by David Zayas. Eventually Mickey Rourke joins their team as well. Steve Austin is a hired muscle bad guy too! But where do Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger come in?

Arnold is the leader of a rival group, who already has a mission lined up, so he lets the Expendables take this one. Willis is the man hiring them. So there is one scene with those two and Stallone, and that is all you will get of those two. So, if that is your draw? Well, ignore the movie.

So yeah. Plot is basically that. Lot of action, lot of killing, and the heroes win out at the end of the day. I think what makes a better story is who didn’t make the film!

John-Claude Van Damme was supposed to play a major role, but didn’t want to. But he regrets it now and will be in the sequel. Terry Crews role went through 3 people before him (Wesley Snipes, Forest Whitaker, and 50 Cent). And the role that Willis landed was first given to Arnold, and then offered to Kurt Russell, but I guess he was too cool to do one scene in a movie.

Really, all that does is make me wish original people got their roles. There’d be more bigger famous names, less new guys (who the hell is Randy Couture??).

Some guy who loves puppies?

In terms of plot, its is pretty weak. In terms of tons of action, and throw backs to the “classics” in the 80s and 90s, it does well. This is one of those films where you will know if you will enjoy it before going to see it. Really not much else to say about that.

The easiest way to describe Land of the Lost is that it is nothing like the TV Show Land Of The Lost. Going in, I expected it to be very similar, in terms of characters, rough plot, etc, but instead all that really happened were the obligatory shout out references to the old show, without taking anything really that deep. But what else would you expect? That is an old show, and this is a new movie!

And all new experiences are exciting experiences.

Will Ferrell is a scientist who believes in different alternative dimensions, and people make fun of him. After a few years of “laying low” another doctor, Anna Friel has some more information to test his theory! She found a fossil with a cigarette lighter imprint. They go to get readings at this lame water raft ride lead by slacker Danny McBride where she found the fossil. Somehow, though, it opens a portal to a different land! Ahh dinosaur!

They meet Cha’ka (Jorma Taccone), a monkey hybrid thing. After more dinosaur trouble, they run into the Sleestaks, weird lizard people. The one they meet says the others are trying to take over the world. So they help him. Lalala adventures, dinosaurs, mosquitos, drug like fruit, and betrayal. Eventually they get back though, and all is right.

Well. All is right in the movie. But the movie still exists, so real world-wise it is not all right.

I guess I can start with the positives! This movie is a lot more risque than I thought there would be. With a long drug scene, and experimentation, and other sexual jokes, I realize now why it got PG-13. Danny McBride wanted to be himself, and they let him push the limits. His final scene too was pretty shocking. Technically not a kids movie!

But they still tried to make it way too kiddy. The CGI is horrible, very low budget, the plot was weak and boring. And overall it just was not satisfying. Just a mess on the screen, and every once and awhile a chuckle (but is it out of humor, or thinking “Oh they said that in a kids shoW!”? We will never know.)

Here is an example of a biased review. Yesss!

Scott Pilgrim vs The World is a movie based off of a 6 part graphic novel series more or less called… Scott Pilgrim. The novels were one of my first forays into owning graphic novels and reading them, when there was still only the first four out. By the time the sixth one came out, I was able to go to a midnight release of the book and read it all before I went to sleep. Then the movie came out a few weeks later, and crammed all of the stories into one movie. And it was epic.

You might even say I am in lesbians with it.

Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) is our main boy, and he lives in the mythical land of Toronto, Canada. He is 22, and living with his gay roommate Wallace (Kieran Culkin), and has little to no prospects outside of his band, Sex Bob-omb. The lead singer and guitar player is Stephen (Mark Webber) and the drummer is Kim (Alison Pill, and dated Scott a long time ago). So what is Scott doing? Dating a HIGH SCHOOL CHICK, named Knives Chau (Ellen Wong) and she becomes a groupie along with Young Neil (Johnny Simmons).

But then he meets Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), a cool American chick and wants her so bad. What he doesn’t know, is that to actually be with her, he has to first defeat her seven evil exes in order. What?! Yes. Including an emo, a movie star (Chris Evans! In his 5th comic movie role), a vegan, a girl, twins, and Gideon (Jason Schwartzman). Can he defeat the exes? Can he handle his own exes? Does he know how hot his sister (Anna Kendrick in the movie) is? Also Aubrey Plaza is in here, more famous for Parks and Rec.

Of course, as it is a six book to one movie adaption, a lot of fun cool stuff had to be left out. Like my favorite panel in a comic ever.

Hopefully you can tell already that a lot of the movie is kind of video game-y. If you ever played older ones, this movie has a lot of shout outs for you. Parts are written like the comic as well, and full of smaller inside jokes, but they don’t take away from anything if you’ve never read the books. It is also a very fast paced movie, so time should fly by pretty quickly while watching it. Also, hilarious.

Fight scenes are great. Characters are great. And you won’t be able to guess how it all ends. If I had one real gripe, it is that there won’t be anymore movies. And they never made any “save point” jokes. For a first time watcher, a lot of the names thrown at you at the start may confuse you too. But hey, get over it.

Run, Fatboy, Run I heard about first years ago, but just never got around to watching. I mean, just from the title I wanted to watch it, and knowing it was a Simon Pegg movie made me want to watch it more. I had no idea about the plot either. Which is why I first got it confused with How To Lose Friends & Alienate People, which came out soon after. Oh well. Turns out those movies have big differences, like rating, and in amount of Megan Fox.

Statistically, when comparing two movies, the one with less amounts of Megan Fox usually ends up being “better”.

The movie starts out unlike other Simon Pegg movies though. Dude is getting married! To Thandie Newton. No racism in this movie! Why? I mean, he does like her. But he also knocked her up. So its one of those things. All of it freaks him out though, and he runs away.

Flash forward five years! For some reason she is still upset about the whole “running away from Marriage thing” and it is hard for him to get to hang out with his son. He is now a more unfit human being (not “fat”) and a security guard, who can barely pay his rent, and bums money off of people. Similarly, his “woman” got a new man! Hank Azaria. Which, when compared to Simon Pegg, does seem like a better choice. He has money, he is nice to people, he even runs marathons for charities! See where this is going?

Simon is trying to prove he can change his ways, before Hank takes his son and former almost wife to Chicago (they live in London of course) and he never sees them again. He attempts to prove this by showing he can not only run in the upcoming marathon, but beat Hank as well. Theres the movie in a nut shell, minus the ending.

Parts of it were pretty funny, but a lot also fell flat for me. Simon plays a pretty normal (British) guy, so he is easily relatable and root-able. I wasn’t even sure if I liked it overall until the end. The end and race (which is like, 30 minutes) did a great job of making Simon way better than Hank, and giving a great feel good story that will make you all warm and cozy. It is mostly predictable, the movie plot lines, but that is fine.

Also, check out his assistant couch. Win.

Also, in case you are wondering, the charity he chooses is “National erectile Disfunction Awareness”.

A Good Old Fashioned Orgy not only sounds like a great name for a movie, but a band, a novel, a weekly comic strip, and a video game. I am surprise we aren’t eating a cereal with that name yet either. The first time hearing that title, I felt like the guy who just invented the word “Shazam!”

I am sure he felt Marvel-ous.

Jason Sudeikis is middle aged and likes to party. Like all middle aged people I know. He lives in his dad’s summer house, pretty much, and throws crazy bashes that frequently get the police called on them. We get to see their “White Trash Bash” at the start. He meets a girl, Leslie Bibb! Who he wants, but later turns out to be his real estate agent.

Real estate agent?! Oh yeah. His dad is selling his house. Well shit. All the memories! He needs to find an epic, end of summer hootenanny to end all other hootenannies. With the help of his best friend Tyler Labine, he realizes that his generation is lame. They need to kick start their generation back on the right track, and have a good old fashioned orgy. (Oh shit, title drop again!)

Who is involved though? Well just their close friends. Lake Bell (recently single), Michelle Borth (secretly likes Jason), Lindsay Sloane (insecure about her looks), Nick Kroll (insecure about everything), and Angela Sarafyan and Martin Starr (Dating couple). But who isn’t invited? Lucy Punch and Will Forte, because they just got married and have a baby, and that would be weird.

And the last thing you need in an orgy is for things to be weird.

The obvious plot comes from the fact that Jason finally likes a girl, but she probably wouldn’t be too keen on hearing about a planned Orgy, that he is the lead alpha in. Also there is a lot of sex talk and sex in the movie. You know, people trying to figure out if they want to, how they would do it, getting tips from people, etc. Normal stuff.

There isn’t as much nakedness as one would expect from a movie called this though. Or sex. The “orgy” party did last longer than I thought, but still seemed like it could have been better. More realistic, probably no. Because people are too awkward. The humor of the movie, pretty witty at times, and other times fell short a lot. This is Jason’s first role as “100% lead actor” role, but wasn’t even the funniest person (that would be Tyler Labine). It was decent, but not the laugh riot I was hoping for.

Midgets!

Okay, just one, sorry.

When you see that a movie title is “Pete Smalls Is Dead” and see a midget on the cover, you probably groan. Who is Pete Smalls? Is he the midget? Why does his death matter, midgets die everyday[needs citation]. Well he is not Pete.

Pete Smalls is instead played by Tim Roth! Whoa! But Peter Dinklage (above) is the main character, with his friend Mark Boone Junior (who has been on Sons of Anarchy. That’s something!)

Pete Smalls is a director. He dies. Dinklage owns a laundry mat, but owes someone 10k, and they stole his dog. He wants his dog back. Goes to LA for Pete’s funeral, and meets his friend there. They work on trying to get the money, and trying to get the rights to Pete’s last unfinished movie. And some other stuff happens.

Also, some panda nonsense.

This movie is super Indie, and it shows. The soundtrack hurt my head, mostly because it annoyed the poop out of me. Just felt like crime drama background music, non stop, always going, never really feeling appropriate. Tim Roth is obviously barely in this movie. Since his character is dead. But even in a lot of the scenes with Pete Smalls, it seemed like it was just a stand in.

Some other celebrity cameos are in the movie, as other people, but none really warrant a tag, as none of the scenes were really good.

The movie is just a boring mess of blah.

I think everyone knows about Apollo 18 by now. A “Shaky cam” and “security cam” based movie. Of what? Of the Apollo 18 mission that was “canceled”, due to budget reasons.

Or was it?

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

So of course in this movie, it wasn’t canceled, just kept secret. Why? Because shit goes down that they want to keep secret. And no, they don’t find any old transformers.

One guy has to stay up in orbit (Ryan Robbins) and the other two are on the moon (Warren Christie and Lloyd Owen).

They just have to collect some rocks? But then things go missing, they get scared, and paranoid, and it is all captured as they try to escape and fail. Yay.

I thought the beginning was super super slow. Really, I didn’t think it got interesting until the very end, then of course it ended. Making it very disappointing. The geologist in me is also displeased though.

Also, this guy.

This is supposed to have been edited down from 86~ hours of footage, over many many devices, and posted onto a fake website. (The website didn’t work for me. That is dumb…) And then made into this movie so everyone could get the truth.

Well if that was the case too, it would have worked better as a 10 minute thing, and not intentionally using the bad camera angles available. Don’t give me this “so the public can know!” message, and then try to make a (non scary) horror movie as the message conveyance. Would have rather had that explanation not as part of it.

Final Destination 5? The Final Final Destination? (No, not really. Apparently if this did well, there’d be two filmed at the same time? Not sure if that has been decided yet.) As far as I know though, it doesn’t really matter. You can always make a new movie about a group of people who escape death, and end up dying in gruesome ways. Pretty much writes itself!

Don’t look too shocked. Your role could have been done by anyone!

What is the big event this time? A bridge collapse. The main group of people all work for or are related to people at some company going on an outing. A nice bus and all. The main character is Nicholas D’Agosto. He has a vision of most everyone die, except for his girlfriend Emma Bell, who he manages to save. Needless to say, after he sees all this, he freaks out and saves some people from the bus (the others are like, what?). This includes his good friend, Miles Fisher, his lady friend, Ellen Wroe, and the guy at the office no one likes, P.J. Byrne. We also have hot office mate, Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, new guy who runs the factory despite age, Arlen Escarpeta, and everyone’s boss, David Koechner! Eight in all.

Eight? That’s a pretty good number of people who are going to probably die then. There is also the detective assigned to the case, Courtney B. Vance, who I only remember from being in that one season of FlashForward.

As you all know, I am not a usual horror watcher. But nothing else is really coming out this week, so I said screw it. The only other FD I have seen was the second one, and parts of the third. General knowledge of the first. I was told that this one relates to the others, and it is good to see them. But I don’t want to see them!

So I did the next best thing, read the plot outlines on Wikipedia! Do not do this. The plot outlines, in an attempt to relate all the movies, kind of spoil the ending of this movie. I didn’t know I had it spoiled, until the ending happened. And went “Oh! That was the twist! Well shit.”

For shame Wiki. For shame.

Who dies while getting a massage? Seriously?

So, I was sufficiently scared during this movie, I think. I definitely found everything to be pretty gruesome, which makes me mad that I watched this during lunch time. Filmmakers did a good job of throwing a lot of red herrings at our faces, trying to figure out just how they would die. Usually you’d be wrong.

That gymnastics scene in particular was the biggest tease. I also disliked that during the credits, they showed footage of the other movie deaths all back to back and crazy, probably just to give the 3D viewers and extra whoa! I didn’t need it all at once though, myself.

I think fans of the series would enjoy this one. The acting wasn’t the best, but I cared enough about some of the characters to make me hope they’d survive. Damn death.

The Pool Boys is a low budget attempt to provide, well, nothing. First look makes it seem like it wants to be a National Lampoon movie, selling sex and comedy. Maybe some stoner jokes too! But this fails at the comedy and sex part as well. Relying on the situation they are in to sell everything, I guess.

Shenanigans!

The movie is about Brett Davern, as he is abotu to graduate from High School. He is going to Harvard, and got a pretty neat scholarship. Just requires a summer internship and interview before he fully gets it. Too bad his internship in DC turns out to be a bust, company is going under.

But no worries! His brother, Matthew Lillard, is an aquatic specialist of some sort. Yes, it is a lie, he is just a pool boy in Beverly Hills. The apartment they are staying at is getting fumigated for about a week or more, leaving them homeless. A client is out of the country for six weeks though, so boom, House.

They also bring Rachelle Lefevre, a neighbor, who turns out to be a prostitute. Whoops. Eventually a money scheme is grabbed out, to rent out the mansion to a lot of prostitutes, to get Harvard tuition should the scholarship fail.

Eventually things go wrong, but eventually are fixed. Yay happy endings. Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite plays a neighbor gardener, and Tom Arnold plays himself. Just crazier.

Arnold is the only funny part of the movie really, and that is barely. Jokes don’t work, and it barely has nudity in to, which seems to be a bigger selling point of these kind of movies.

Hah. I can’t think of really anything else to say about this.