Gorgon Reviews

Hooray, my 700th review, and a new chapter to my Milestone reviews! I promised about fifty review ago that my 700th review would be an indepth analysis of R. Kelly‘s Trapped In The Closet. This wouldn’t be the first time I promised something and didn’t fully deliver, so I am not too upset.

Basically, I had no idea how I wanted to write this review. As of right now, there are 33 chapters to this thing. If I actually wanted to do the real analysis, for all of it, it would be the longest thing I’ve wrote on here. TOO long. It would take a lot of time too, and well, I’d rather have all of these finished within 2 hours personally.

So I figure this will just be the first part of many for the Trapped In The Closet series. Videos have been (so far) released in four parts, but I figure dividing it into 3 is better.

Not to leave you poor saps hanging, here are links to the first 12 Chapters, in four parts. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4). You have 40 minutes? Watch this shit right now. Seen it before? Watch it again. I think it goes without saying that this will be FULL of Spoilers.

Chapters 1-3…

The first five chapters set the entire series in motion as they were the original bundle. Not as many actors involved, but it keeps the rhythmic beat throughout it setting the tone for the rest of the Hip Hopera.

We get to meet Sylvester (Kelly) finding himself in a strange place, apparently having cheated on his wife with another woman Cathy (LeShay Tomlinson). Cathy, well, she cheated on her husband Rufus (Rolando Boyce) as well. Just a lot of people making bad decisions.

Like oversleeping. Kelly finds himself in the damn closet because the husband is home early, and knows what up. Too bad he finds Sylvester and Sylverster pulls out his gun! Guns solve problems of disputes, especially ones like this. But when Rufus reveals his secret that he has been cheating too, it just makes sense. The fact that it is with a dude, Chuck (Malik Middleton)? That is where the fan gets covered with shit. Sylverster is just stuck there, watching it all crumble. For whatever reason, even though he can easily leave, he chooses to watch it fall down. But eventually he gets sick of this shit, calls his home, and oh snap. A man picked up his phone!

Even Priests can get mad. Rufus so mad.

Chapters 4-7…

Shit Sylvester. You better get home, now that you are super damn mad. But not speeding. That is ridiculous. Look at you, getting a speeding ticket in the middle of your song. Come on guy, fix your shit.

He gets home, and well, there is just his wife Gwendolyn (Cat Wilson). Who was that man? Apparently her brother Twan, whatever. So they have sex, Sylvester bitches out, cramped leg, but finds a condom. Oh snap, bitches be lyin’!

So after another argument, and realization that everyone in the world cheats on everyone, he gets to hear the bombshell. That cop that pulled him over was her lover! Whaaaaaaat!

Originally after that, the series was over, and after Chapter 5, the series takes a few new twists and lyrical turns.

For whatever reason, the cop (Michael Kenneth Williams) comes back and pulls out his gun. Recurring themes and all. They fight for awhile, and shoot a gun. Then there is some missleading awkwardness for half a song, not saying anything about it. Somehow, there is a wild Twan (Eric Lane) on the ground! But don’t worry, he was in prison. He is fine, they kick the cop out of the house, and oh shit, Rosy the Nosy Neighbor (LaDonna Tittle).

With. A. Fucking. Spatula! In Her hand! How does that do anything about them guns!?

Chapters 8-11…

Well, now that THAT is all taken care of, everyone can be happy because everyone was cheated on. Let’s go see what the police officer is doing. Because Rosy isn’t exciting right now.

He gets home. OH SHIT HE HAS A WIFE TOO. SHE IS WHITE. A WHITE WIFE. A WHITE LITTLE BIT BIGGER WIFE. First white person of the series actually, and she is southern, despite it all being R. Kelly’s voice. Bridget (Rebecca Field) is all nervous too. Oh no, here we go again. SHE HAS BEEN CHEATING TOO.

EVERYONE IS CHEATING ON EVERYONE. SO MUCH SEX. But the man she cheated on him with is still in the house too, just not in the closet.

Good old copper finds the man under the sink. A midget. Bridget, with midget. A MIDGET. NAMED BIG MAN (Drevon Cooks). WHY? BECAUSE HE IS BLESSED.

So instead of working it out, people pull out guns. Bridget calls the random number she found in her husbands wallet, and hey look, its Gwen. So we get a big old Mexican stand off going on here. Not only that, but Bridget is pregnant. From the midget, not the cop.

This gets so crazy, they just leave right then and there. Fuck a resolution, let them handle their own shit. Twan and Sylverster can’t handle any of it.

Good old stripping midgets, knocking up the white women.

Chapter 12…

Fuck this chapter. No, seriously. By far the most pointless chapter in the series. Pointless and annoying to listen to. Did I mention pointless?

This whole chapter is a phone call between Cathy and Gwen. We found out they were friends, making Cathy even more of a bitch. The whole conversation is of the two talking about the shit that went down. Eventually Cathy realizes she was with Gwens husband, admits it, and that is it.

That. Is. IT! Then it was done, for two years. This lack of any sort of cliffhanger bullshit was how it ended for 2 whole years. It is just infuriating, given that we already knew everything in that chapter.

“Bitch, you were my friend!”

How can you describe a a movie as perfect as these 11 chapters with a shitty chapter tacked onto the end? Honestly, it is hard to describe it.

But if it does its duty, the tune will be stuck in your head for days. Maybe making your own rhymes to boot. Afterall, it was a pretty big deal. It got a South Park parody, and a Weird Al parody too. But even better, R. Kelly makes a fool of himself to make you laugh, and it works.

Just wait for part 2. Or watch them on your own on youtube. But in part 2, we get less cheating, and more fleshing out of characters. More new characters too, half of which are played by R. Kelly, channeling his inner Eddie Murphy.

Also, if you overall hate the first 12 chapters, you are literally Hitler.

One of the advertisements for Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters basically said “a classic tale with a darker twist!”.

Fuck that. Hansel & Gretel is one of the darkest fairy tales out there. Parents abandon their kids in the wood because they are too poor to eat. Only have some bread. They go to a house, made of candy. They get all excited. Oh no, locks and chains, girl forced to be a slave, boy force to eat. Witch is going to cook and eat the child, but they fuck up her shit and lock her in the oven in an escape. That is dark. I don’t think you can go too darker than that.

But I will say this tale probably has more foul language, nakedness, and blood.

Not to mention 325% more explosions!

For whatever reason, Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) are immune to witch magic. With great immunities come great responsibilities, I think the saying goes. So they were orphaned in by a local town, as they were now heroes, and kind of just started killing all the witches. Unfortunately Hansel also developed super diabetes from all that candy. If he doesn’t get a shot of (somethingvague) every (someamountoftime) he will fall to the ground and die quickly! All that candy, damn.

They get brought into a new town by the mayor, because 11 or so children have been kidnapped recently and they don’t know by who! The Sheriff (Peter Stormare) doesn’t like the idea of other people doing this in his town, but since he was about to kill Mina (Pihla Viitala), wrongfully accusing her of witchcraft, they really really needed to step in. Also, money.

Eventually they find out that a blood moon is happening soon, and a lot of witches are going to convene for some sort of special ceremony, lead by grand witch Muriel (Famke Janssen). Shit. That is a lot of witches. And you know what they say, witches dig ditches. Okay, no one says that.

Also featuring Thomas Mann as their crazy obsessed super fan and Derek Mears as Edward the Troll.

I am not sure if attached to the back is as effective as they would have hoped it to be.

Whoa H&G, where did this come from? Not only are you rated R, it is a hard R. I was joking on the nakedness, but it is there. Fbombs a plenty, and the death scenes are pretty dang gruesome, for witch and human alike. The blood looks fake as crap, but there is a lot of it, and there is a lot of murder. I was a bit surprised.

In case you are curious, I doubt there is any real difference between 3D and 2D, so save the money in difference.

The movie was less than 90 minutes in length, and it did feel pretty rushed to me. I think they could have explained certain things better. Just because something is called a White Witch, doesn’t mean I should have to think of it as a good witch. Specific lineage plot points were also a bit strange to me, but I don’t know a thing about this world’s genetics, since they didn’t tell me.

In terms of entertainment, the fight scenes are pretty good. The acting from secondary people not as much. Also, H&G seem to make pretty crappy witch hunters. You don’t see a single hunt of theirs that actually works as planned or goes well. Yes, they always survive, but come on, prep better. I don’t want my heroes to barely survive every bout, you gotta be able to take these witches down.

For my initial impressions of Broken City, I obviously can only look at the trailer. Lot of high energy music, camera flash noises, very exciting. Sexy scandals! Government cover ups! Black mail! Potential boredom!

To be honest, the strange flashing parts near the end of the trailer gave me a bit of a headache. Thankfully, as we all know, trailer music never makes the actual movie. Presumably there wont be awkward shutter noises either.

Here is the most actiony shot of the movie I could find on the internet. Consider it an action epilogue.

Billy Taggart (Mark Wahlberg) has done a bad bad thing. He killed a man, multiple shots. He claims he was defending himself, the other man had a gun. He was just a cop at the wrong place at the right time. The town claims it was cold blooded murder, but they had no real evidence. He was found innocent, but the public outcry was so strong, and new evidence was covered up, so the police chief (Jeffrey Wright) and mayor (Russell Crowe) had to let him go anyways.

Well, seven years later, he is a PI with an office and an assistant (Alona Tal) and a huge debt! Well, the mayor said he would remember his name, and he gives him an offer. $50,000.00 to tail his wife (Catherine Zeta-Jones), take pictures of who she is sleeping with, and find out the name of the man. Half now, half later. He also needs it quickly, because the election is a few days away, and the new guy (Barry Pepper) is giving him a lot of crap.

But why would the mayor care so much about the affair this close to an election? There has to be more important things afoot, damn it. Also featuring Kyle Chandler as the campaign manager for the new guy, and Natalie Martinez as the long term girlfriend of Billy.

“Women be cheatinnnnnnnnnnn” – Crowe

Don’t watch the trailer, don’t watch the trailer, don’t watch the trailer? You saw the trailer? Don’t watch the movie. No point.

Turns out the trailer gives a lot of it away, in terms of how the movie is going to end. It is sparse on the actual plot details and many of the characters, but outside of that, the jig is up. When the movie ended, I was mad. Why would they do that, given the trailer?

I am supposed to judge a movie on its own, but I feel like if the trailer gives you too much information, and is plastered everywhere, it should be included if it does something so egregious. I was disgusted and appalled. Heck, after the movie I found myself more confused because the trailer had scenes that were not in the movie. I had to go back and watch it to make sure. They were there, but the context was so out of place, it was pointless.

Yes, I am saying the trailer both gave too much away, and created scenes that just were not true. It can do both.

I didn’t hate the acting from Marky Mark either. Zeta-Jones felt wasted in the movie, Crowe looked weird with that skin tone/hair.

However, a lot of the plot bugged me. The actions of the characters confused me. I don’t think they explained why he was just invited into a murder scene by someone completely random. Why people let him stick around. I had no idea what was happening in the plot, and yet the whole time I felt like I knew the ending. That is a strange way to see a movie.

Confusion is not a substitute for suspense, movie makers.

Good news everyone! I am now officially willing to watch horror movies. Do I still cringe like a little girl when I see them? Yes. But I can usually control my outer composer enough to make it through without tears.

With that said, most horrors I will probably find scary, so it might not be too strong of a statement when I say that Mama was the scariest movie I have seen this year. Especially since in these few weeks I have only seen one horror movie.

Right off the bat, this movie is a world of NOPE.

Mama begins during the financial crisis of a few years ago. It really put the hurt on certain families, driving their bread winners to suicidal behavior. In this case, the father has just killed his wife and kidnapped his two daughters, speeding away on icy roads. Well, he crashes, because that is what icy roads do. Luckily, they all survive and they are able to find an abandoned cabin in the woods. The oldest daughter Victoria (Megan Charpentier) can talk, but has broken her glasses, and the youngest daughter, Lilly (Isabelle Nelisse) is still a toddler.

But a mysterious super natural force decides that the father is a deadbeat, kills him, and looks after the kids. Five years later, their uncle Lucas (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) finally finds them and they are all sorts of messed up. After some time with a therapist (Daniel Kash), they are released into his care with his girlfriend, Annabel (Jessica Chastain), in a sweet new house so they can study their behavior.

Surely the evil spirit will be happy to see the kids in loving real hands, right?

Bonus points to this movie for not parading Jessica in only revealing clothing.

As expected, yes, I found this movie scary. Guillermo del Toro was the executive producer, and you can really see his influence on the movie. For the most part, the camera work was top notch for setting up the scenes and making the whole movie seem eerily beautiful.

I loved the “cold open” of the movie, jumping straight into the action, but also letting full opening credits come in a bit later.

Most horrors have a problem where they lose a bit of the fear when they actually show a clear view of the monster, and unfortunately for Mama this is still true. In fact, if I wasn’t so afraid, I would probably find her a bit comical in nature.

It is also interesting to see Jessica Chastain in a movie like this, where she plays a dark haired slacker who doesn’t know how to raise kids, when her normal roles involve over achievers and perfectionists.

Finally, I loved the ending of the movie. The final scenes were set up so nicely and it had me guessing until the end. The plot didn’t entirely make sense to me, but I don’t think they cared at that point of the movie. I also doubt there will be any sequels to this franchise, which is a bonus is my mind.

When they announced the nominees for the Academy Awards this year, nothing really surprised me. Yes yes, snubs and what nots, but I had at least heard of every (American) movie on the list. Every one, but The Sessions. To be fair it was only nominated for one award, but that award is Best Actress. I mean, something crazy must be going on in that movie then, damn it.

Then I found out it was about a guy in an iron lung.

This is the best picture I could find of him in the lung. What the hell?

Originally I was mad about the concept of an iron lung, but now I am mad that there is no picture of him in the lung online. Why was I mad originally? Because, what the hell, an iron lung? Stop it. Just stop it. Iron Lungs, popular over 50 years ago, became non-existant after they fucked up Polio and got their technology on. Just popping out a movie about a guy in an iron lung wanting to lose his virginity just seems silly.

What? It’s a true story, based on the book of the guy who wrote about his life in an iron lung? Damn it. Fine. Carry on.

Mark O’Brien (John Hawkes) is in an iron lung, got the Polio when he was six, it has been a long life of laying down. He decided to become a writer, because he sure a hell couldn’t do anything else. He did poems, short stories, eventually a book on his life. Either way, he was lonely. Lonely in the pants. He was a middle aged man who hasn’t even groped a boob, let alone done the business. Hard to when you can barely move your head.

Eventually he learns about a sex surrogate. Definitely not a prostitute. Their is payment for sessions, and her job is to help him experience his sexuality, but there is a limit. The max number of sessions he can do is six, no more, certainly can do less. He gets his priest’s permission (William H. Fucking Macy), and sets up to do the business.

Who is the sex surrogate? Someone named Cheryl (Helen Hunt). She is even married, and the husband is fine with it. She leads Mark on a journey of experiencing an orgasm, full penetration, and boobs! Also, Moon Bloodgood and Annika Marks play some of his care assistants.

Spoilers – Sex Happens.

Now I know what you guys are wondering. How the hell can Helen Hunt play in a movie where he is a sex master and having sex with someone with polio. She wouldn’t get naked on camera. Would she?

Yes. Yes she would. Helen Hunt is super naked in this movie, full friggan body. And unless you are Anne Hathaway, that usually earns you a nomination.

As for the rest of the movie, it was a sweet story, if not incredible awkward. John Hawkes is probably more deserving of a nomination than Hunt, but that could just because he had a disability. We all know what happens when actors play with disabilities.

Sometimes the UK scares me. But usually that is just when it comes to TV shows. It isn’t a normal like or hate relationship, it is more a like or “I don’t understand what the hell is going on, so I am just going to doodle while it happens until it is done, then never watch it again, because I am confused and I don’t understand what the hell is going on, so I am just going to doodle while it happens until it is done.”

It is really a 50/50 type of situation. Thus my initial fear of watching The Pirates! Band Of Misfits.

“Bitches don’t know about my swaaaaaaaaaaaaaag. And I mean swag in its real definition. I have a pile of gold in the hull.”

Set somewhere in the 1800s, Great Britain has taken over much of the world. But Queen Victoria (Imelda Staunton) doesn’t control the West Indies! Fucking Pirates are there!

This includes The Pirate Captain (Hugh Grant) the piratiest pirate that ever pirated. So much that he is going to inter Pirate of the Year, and win it for once! The only problem is, I lied. There are much better pirates out there. Including Black Bellamy (Jeremy Piven). Heck, The Pirate Captain hasn’t even gained any loot this last year. Just some ham. What is a pirate without loot?

So he starts a raidin’ and a plunderin’ but nothing seems to work. None of the rich boats are coming out to his area. When he goes for just one last boat, he is disappointed to find out that it is just Charles Darwin (David Tennant). According to him and his man-ape servant, the Pirate Captain’s parrot is actually a Do-do bird, long thought to have been extinct!

But apparently with these science shenanigans, there is a potential for real money. But they have to go to London first, a scary anti-pirate place. Hmm, I am sure it wont be a big issue, and no one will have to put their morals in check. Lets not forget his trusty crew, including The Pirate with a Scarf (Martin Freeman), The Pirate with Gout (Brendan Gleeson), The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets and Kittens (Ben Whitehead), The Albino Pirate (Russell Tovey) and The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate (Ashley Jensen).

Going back to my earlier fears, I have never seen a Wallace and Gromit movie. Wallace just looks way too British. So the only reason I went this way was because of scurvy jokes, boy did it deliver.

The writing for Pirates was beyond clever, full of jokes and other smaller pop culture references. Heck, it even had a soundtrack full of real modern songs, including most of Flight of the Conchords “I’m Not Crying“. Damn, son.

I also didn’t completely hate the form of stop motion like I thought I would, another definite plus. Not sure if this is going to win best Animated Picture, but it certainly was a damn good one for 2012. I mean, Ham Night. Ham Night guys.

Oh Candaa. The home and native land to many a hockey player. Shit, they invented the sport.

So it comes as no surprise to see that Score: A Hockey Musical eventually came to be. I mean fuck. It has two things I love. Musicals. And Hockey.

How can this love song to Canada be bad?

“I don’t know what to do with my hands.”

Well, his name is Farley Gordan (Noah Reid) and he is going to be the next Crosby. Just no one knows of him, because he has never played any sort of organized team play, just pond hockey with his friends. That is because his parents (Marc Jordan, Olivia Newton-John) are pretty strict liberalists. They have home schooled him his whole life, controlling all aspects, trying to raise him to be Gandhi.

But after a local minor league hockey team owner (Stephen McHattie) sees him play, he gets an offer to join the slightly big leagues! But anyone that knows the minor leagues knows that they are rough and dangerous. Farley is a frail kid, can he take a hit? Can he handle a fight? Can he score with professionals?

No. No he cant. He is a pacifist. The Moose (Dru Viergever), the teams goon cannot protect him. The coach (John Pyper-Ferguson) doesn’t want a sissy on his team, no matter how well he can score. Hell, even the ginger goalie (Chris Ratz) doesn’t approve.

Can Farley figure out how to survive in a fighting league? Can he earn respect? When will he realize his best friend Eve (Allie MacDonald) is more than a friend?!

JUST HOW MUCH TEAM DANCING AND SINGING CAN I EXPECT?

Score may be one of the worst movies made in 2010. However, it easily transcends into “so bad it is good” territory, in my mind. The actual movie is very tongue-in-cheek. It is a movie that is a cheesy musical, while being aware that it is a cheesy musical. Hell, multiple lines sound a bit Whedon-like from his previous works.

The singing isn’t the best either. Newton-John didn’t even sound good, and some of the lyrics will make you cringe, mostly by throwing in too many words to make the rhyme work. But there /is/ some good singing. Allie MacDonald is actually a great singer. They had her sing a bit of Sometimes When We Touch, almost to tease her actual great singing voice, making it an even bigger joke. Noah Reid isn’t a bad singer either. The problem lies with the actual lyrics. Most of the lyrics are just song/spoke, that in between, and it just doesn’t sound the best.

But this movie has some real gems in terms of songs.

The song Pacifism’s Defense, where Farley tries to argue he shouldn’t have to fight, versus his whole team who disagrees. We get awkward manly time, dancing in the locker room, and some interesting rhymes.

The radio version of the finale, Hockey, The Greatest Game In The Land is hilarious in its catchy-ness and how it switches from hockey to just Canada in general.

Every good musical needs a ballet, and this one has one in the form of an bench clearing brawl. “Jab Jab, Hook Hook, Kidney Punch”. Hell, it also has cameos from Walter Gretzky and Theo Fleury.

I say if you are going to watch this movie, don’t take it too seriously, watch it to make fun of, and it will be good. On its own, yes, it is poorly acted and sung. But if you Give It A Shot, it might just make you proud to be a hockey fan. Or the opposite of that.

And yes, that is Nelly Furtado as rambuncious homer fan of a minor league hockey team.

On December 26, 2004, a tsunami rocked the Indian Ocean and destroyed many islands and coastal communities. Over 230,000 lives were lost in a matter of minutes and it is one of the biggest natural disasters ever recorded in human history.

Honestly, I am surprised it took 8 years for a major movie to be made on the subject. After all, it only took 1.5 years to make a movie about the death of Osama Bin Laden, and a few months for a documentary on Michael Jackson.

Don’t tell those people in the Chasing Mavericks movie. They would surf the fuck out of this surge.

The Impossible is specifically about a family from Spain vacationing in Thailand for Christmas. Henry (Ewan McGregor) is a businessman who works in Japan, and his wife Maria (Naomi Watts) is a doctor, but no longer practices to take care of their three boys. Their boys are Lucas (Tom Holland), then Thomas (Samuel Joslin), and Simon (Oaklee Pendergast).

Then you know, huge ass wave. Maria and Lucas get swept down the current, while Henry and the younger boys get stuck in the resort area.

Turns out the acting in this movie is pretty darn great. Naomi Watts? Definitely deserves her best actress nomination. From a loving stay at home mom, to a weak and powerless person, the transition was quick and amazing to watch. Her survival rested solely on the shoulders of her oldest son,as the two were now equals while they were alone in the desecrated landscape. Tom Holland has been in theater for awhile, but this was his first movie role, and it was similarly knocked out of the park. Large portions of the film were left to him to carry, and he made it his bitch.

Finally, Ewan McGregor acted pretty strongly in the film as well. Despite the disaster in front of him, he continued to try and fit into his role as protector and provider for the family. He had to make multiple hard decisions before they were reunited, separating himself from his children, looking for his wife and other son, and helping others along the way. Plus, as a bonus, his sob sounds identical to how it did in Moulin Rouge, even after eleven years.

First, this log. Tomorrow, the world!

Despite the strong acting from the main three, the film suffered elsewhere. I loved the realism in term of the flooding and its lack of heavy CGI to get the effect they needed. But I think the film took too many liberties when it came to the actual story. Most notably, before the reunion, there was a pretty long scene of the multiple groups wandering around the same hospital, but continuously missing another party by a few seconds. It really cheapened it for me, for a film that was priding itself in its realism.

I also didn’t like that it seemed to create false suspense by only showing a couple character for long periods of time…even though the trailer and true story aspect give away certain “secrets”. We can’t not know that members of the family survived the initial onslaught thanks to the trailer, so stop trying to make it seem that way.

The rating for this movie I also felt should have been an R. Based on similar scenes in movies, I think it all of it is a bit too much with all of the injuries that occur. I almost threw up on a quick flash of a leg injury, given the detail in the makeup.

As expected, The Impossible is an incredibly sad film, but at the same time, a bit of an inspiring one.

It took me awhile to get excited about Zero Dark Thirty. I mean, what, Osama Bin Laden died a year and a half ago? It didn’t help that its original trailer was boring as crap (The second one was a lot better!). I was also a pretty big skeptic when I heard it was directed by Kathryn Bigelow. How can I trust a movie about this subject so close to the actual event? There is no way that a lot of the actual information was declassified that quickly, given the subject. Unless of course, because she made The Hurt Locker, she clearly deserves the information and resources to make another war movie?

Just seems a bit unfair is all I am saying.

You know what else is unfair? Jobs that let you wear shorts. I want in on that racket! Fucking social norms.

The story begins a bit classier than I expected with the September 11th attacks. I was a bit worried they’d use that to help rile up the emotions, but it didn’t recreate the crash, show the fall, any of that. Just kept a blank screen and used real media outtakes to explain what happened. Okay, maybe that is still a cheap trick, but it could have been worse.

A few years after that, Maya (Jessica Chastain) has just arrived in Pakistan, after spending most of her career in the CIA so far working on Al-Qaeda intelligence. Her new partner is Dan (Jason Clarke), who she gets to meet during a nice torture session. Weee torture!

Long story short, Maya begins grasping at straws, trying to get a lead anywhere. She thinks she has found the name of Osama’s secret courier, but her boss (Kyle Chandler) isn’t having any of it. Well, it turns out she is right! Eventually she is able to figure out who he is, find him, find a nice Mansion/Fortress in Pakistan, and heat signatures show an extra man inside who NEVER leaves. I wonder who it could be!

Zero Dark Thirty of course also goes through the extraction of Osama, featuring such fine gentlemen in the Seal Team, like Joel Edgerton, Chris Pratt, and Taylor Kinney.

“Hey, let’s show mostly scenes of the actual take down of Osama! You know, a small minority of the movie!”

Let me break the movie down for you, with fractions! I would say that the first quarter of the movie deals with torture as a way of gaining information. Three eights after that involves slow, non torture means of getting what they want. Another quarter of the movie takes place after they find the fortress and deciding what to do and who is in there, with the last eighth involving the Seal Team and their assult.

That second part? I didn’t really like that part. It felt very slow and I almost fell asleep in my seat. But that leaves a pretty solid five eighths of the film, which is a lot better than most movies out there.

Unfortunately I am still left wondering how much of what I watched is accurate, and how much is just dramatic license in the greatest manhunt in modern history. The acting was decent, but didn’t feel like anything worth writing home about. Word on the street is that they are hoping to do a prequel to this movie, yet I have no idea what it would be about. Al-Qaeda before 2001? I don’t think that counts as a prequel, I think that is just a different movie.

But hey, at least it ends with the US coming out on top. That is the take home message, right? Right?!

“What the fuck is this shit?”

That might be you, if you had a vulgar filthy mouth. But I heard someone say that when I first saw a trailer for A Haunted House. “Did they forget to name it Scary Movie 5?!”

Of course not, it isn’t the same franchise. Especially since Scary Movie 5 is coming out in April. I am sure you know that after Scary Movie 2, the Wayans brothers left the franchise (As the major writers/producers) and went on to do their own thing. That explains how bad the rest of them were, and five will probably be.

But that doesn’t mean they can’t do horror spoofs, even though this one is jut Marlon Wayans, damn it. Sucks to be Scary Movie though, since both of these are parodying Paranormal Activity.

“All of these parodies make me so angry!”

Malcolm (Wayans) is pumped. The woman of his dreams, Kisha (Essence Atkins) is about to move into his house. Life couldn’t be better. Until it immediately suck. Living with a woman isn’t as sexy as he hoped. Plus, she hates his maid, poor old Rosa (Marlene Forte).

But then weird things start to happen. Meaning her keys weren’t where she left them. OH NOESSSSSS. So they install nice cameras, from Dan the Security Man (David Koechner) and his assistant Bob (Dave Sheridan). They also happen to be ghost hunters.

Why the fuck am I still describing this? We know the plot, its a parody. Who is what though may matter. Nick Swardson plays a psychic, Cedric the Entertainer a priest, and Andrew Daly / Alanna Ubach play a couple who might be into some extra curriculars.

I labeled both pictures as Ahh Ahhhh. AHH is the movie acronym, and ahhhh describes each one. Hooray!

A Haunted House was exactly what I expected. As a bonus, it was also rated R. The first two Scary Movies were also rated R, and I didn’t hate them. But when the Wayans left and it went PG-13, I thought it was pointless drivel.

Does AHH have a lot of that too? Yeah maybe. But also a few amusing scenes. Sure, there are some art jokes, ome thug jokes, some joke about a gay man hitting on a straight man. But hey, these can be guilt pleasures. I generally did laugh out loud at certain scenes, and thought there was at least a couple of unexpected scenes. If you are going to watch this movie, you know exactly what you are going to get.

So yeah, fuck it, have an average rating. Welcome back Marlon!