Gorgon Reviews

If you saw the trailer for Side Effects, you probably found yourself confused. It tells you practically nothing; something about pills, a doctor/therapist/pharmacist getting in trouble, and maybe someone dying. There really isn’t enough here to convince the average person to check out the film. But what if “mysterious” is what the movie was going for? A trailer for a few weeks many months away, then nothing, and let the lack of any ads drive people in droves to figure it all out.

Yeah. That’s a terrible strategy.

No amount of thinking will make this a good strategy, Jude.

Emily Taylor (Rooney Mara) is a lonely woman. She used to suffer pretty hard from depression. Why? Because her husband (Channing Tatum) was sent off to jail for four years for insider trading.

Well he is finally back and they can get their life back on track and everything will be great again! Right?! Wrong! Bam, Emily crashes her car on purpose and sent to the hospital. There she meets Dr. Jonathan Banks (Jude Law), who reluctantly lets her back home despite the attempt on her own life, but only if she will come to therapy sessions a few days a week and take some anti-depression pills.

But every pill has its own side effects associated with it, which could lead to irrational behavior and other strange issues. Also featuring Vinessa Shaw as girlfriend of Dr. Banks, and Catherine Zeta-Jones as her former psychiatrist.

“I just don’t understand doc, what’s wrong with sticking your dick in crazy?”

Hopefully you noticed I still tried to keep the plot description vague, because frankly, it helps. Going in to see this movie, I knew nothing, which is how I prefer to watch films anyways. I am glad the trailer was vague and didn’t give the entire movie away. So I tried to keep the favor for you readers, but give you a bit more detail to hopefully spark some interest. Because, as it turns out, Side Effects is pretty darn good!

Not only is it directed by Steven Soderbergh (Who has given us the Ocean’s Trilogy, The Informant!“, and “Magic Mike“. Okay, one of those doesn’t belong), but it is apparently going to be his last film for awhile. Officially, he is retiring, but I am sure that within a decade he will be back.  The only person to successfully quit the film industry has been Rick Moranis.

Side Effects is more than a simple “Who Dunnit” story by focusing more on the why and the how. Throw in some ethical debates about the role of doctors and medicine, and you might also earn a minor in philosophy by the time the movie is through. While watching the movie, I found myself getting angry in the best way possible. I was mad at the events happening on screen, at the loopholes and the needs for a scapegoat, but most importantly I was mad that it was incredibly realistic. The actual events in the movie I don’t think would ever happen in real life, but the reactions to those events were so spot on, I almost did a little “This is what’s wrong with the country!” rant in my head.

If you want to have some emotion evoked in your movie watching experience, I suggest checking out Side Effects. Give Steven Sonderbergh a reason to come back to film in a few years.

My quest to see The Master has been a long and lonesome journey. I guess with a name like The Master, it is kind of hard to NOT have a quest.

But this came out to the theaters before I had a chance to go to all the new ones, it never went to the cheap theater, and it doesn’t come out until the week AFTER the Academy Awards. No, this picture wasn’t nominated for Best Picture, but it was nominated for 3 of the 4 Best Actor/Actress/Supporting categories, making it just as important. Gosh, why did it have to make me go to such unsavory methods to see the film?

At least Amour has a BP nomination, so I can see it through one of those movie theater marathons.

Oh shit, you are a charismatic looking man. I guess if you tell me to like the movie, I will.

Sex. Sex. Sex. Some people can’t get enough of it. Take young Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) for instance. He just got out of the navy, maybe a discharge. Loves the sex. Loves the drinking. Kind of a lost soul after the navy, no one loves him. Might have accidentally poisoned a guy too, whoops.

But then he finds a boat, wakes up on it not sure why he is there. Bunch of weirdos though, talkin’ ’bout The Cause. Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is the captain of this here boat, and he is willing to take Freddie on. Just might do some testing on him, some personal questions to get into his core. He probed really deep.

Freddie finds himself attracted to Lancaster’s charismatic ways and agrees to stay on board and help him spread his message. A cult? Maybe, yes, but what else does he have going on?

Lancaster thinks he can help Freddie, cure him of his addictions to sex and alcohol, while Freddie is just looking for a place to fit in. But can he change? Just who is The Master anyways?

Also feautring Amy Adams as Lancaster’s wife, Ambyr Childers as his daughter, and Jesse Plemons as his son.

“You know what would make this morning go better? Some sex and alcohol.”

Before I saw The Master, I was pretty dang certain that Christoph Waltz would win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. He was amazing in Django Unchained, he was a main actor in that movie, and there is no way that Philip Seymour Hoffman would have done better.

Well… I am not as sure anymore. PSH was excellent in this movie (and again, arguably just as important as Joaquin Phoenix). The scenes for everyone were really well acted, I just think PSH stood above the rest. There are so many examples of fine acting in this movie, the most famous of which will be the first “questioning session” between the two. Not a Doctor Who reference, but the not blinking scene? Great. I mean, yes, I am annoyed that there was blinking anyways, took a bit of it away, but still a pretty great scene. I also loved his reaction to the individual who was calling him a cult leader. Fantastic.

The Master has layers upon layers of potential themes you can take away from them, so I will not spend the time to go over any of them. Really, the movie is what you make of it. I know I am going to see it again, at least once, to try and get an overall better grasp.

Just some minor nitpicky things would prevent me from giving it the big score.

You gotta shoot ’em in the head. It is the only way to be sure. It is definitely a great statement for anyone who finds that they are stuck in an action movie or video game! Bullet To The Head takes that message and runs with it, basically making a whole movie around that simple(?) life rule.

Another is to always bring your own booze to the bar.

Our “hero” is named Jimmy Bobo (Sylvester Stallone) and — hey, wait, no, come back here. Yes his name is stupid, but let’s give him a chance. He isn’t really a hero, he is a hitman who has had problems with the law his whole life, all over the country. But now he lives in New Orleans, and just completed a job with his partner Louie (Jon Seda). But when they go to get paid, it is a set up! Louie is left dead, and Jimmy is left mad.

Turns out the guy they killed was an ex cop too. A scum bag, but still former cops have former partners, and his is Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang) who has flown in to investigate. But all he can find on his own is Mr. Scumbag up there, who shoots more people in the head than there are provinces in Canada. These two drastically different individuals have to team up to get retribution, but it will be pretty hard when they can’t stop shooting each other as well.

Also starring Christian Slater and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as the bad guys, Jason Momoa as hitman, and Sarah Shahi as the daughter.

Oh fuck yes, axe fight.

Surprisingly enough, Bullet To The Head is based on a french graphic novel and not a dream by Stallone. I had a lot that I disliked about the movie, and found them exemplified by what the men in charge had to say about it.

“[This] is exactly the type of fast-paced, universally themed project that suits our business model” – Production team. Unfortunately, the movie felt pretty slow. An awful lot of time was given to a plot that wasn’t good, meaning tons of downtime in between fight scenes. Half of these “plot scenes” consisted of Stallone being racist towards Kang. Fun fact, the graphic novel had a white guy, but they brought in Kang to appeal to a wider audience, so all of that specific acist dialogue was just for the movie.

Stallone had enough control over the movie to fire the original director because the director’s version of the film was darker than Stallone had wanted. This left us instead with a strange action movie (that had no problem killing/exploding dozens of men) with Stallone trying to be funny while transitioning between fights. Too bad the humor didn’t work for the most part.

Aside from that, there are other problems I had with the characters themselves. Adewale was a land tycoon, who claimed to never trust people who didn’t do things for money. Those are his last words, as he yells them to a man who is actually killing him (gasp) for the money. Completely nonsensical.

I actually liked John Momoa as the other hit man. His actions didn’t seem to fit his character description, but at least he had interesting fight scenes.

I found myself laughing more at the ridiculousness of scenes that were supposed to be serious, and fighting off sleep during the rest of the film.

Who doesn’t have fond memories playing Paperboy as a kid?

Oh wait, shit, I don’t. Huh. I never had that game. Ever. Or tried to play it. I think it involved throwing newspapers in mailboxes or porches, getting chased by assholes and dogs. Sounds about right. Either way, my intro has failed me.

Oh right, The Paperboy. some movie, based on a fictional book, and maybe creepy.

Zac Efron doing his best to not get type-casted is pretty dang creepy.

In this movie, there was a racist and bad sheriff, who got murdered. No one really liked him, but Hillary Van Wetter (John Cusack) was sent to prison regardless.

Years later, a local paper is trying to prove his innocence. We have the brothers, Ward (Matthew McConaughey) and Jack Jansen (Zac Efron) and a black British man, Yardley Acheman (David Oyelowo), all working on the case! I should probably mention this is also during the civil rights movement during the 1960s, which is why his Britishness matters.

But they have an additional ally. Charlotte Bless (Nicole Kidman), Hillary’s wife. Yes, Hillary is a man. Kidman is white trash, yes, but she can let them get to Hillary, who for some reason doesn’t give a shit that he is in prison. Minus the fact that he misses dat body.

Either way, lots of dramatic shit happens, they might succeed, and other bad things might happen as well. Of course Jack also falls in love with Charlotte. Because that leads to drama. Oh, Macy Gray is also the narrator and a maid.

‘Fierce’ – A new perfume by Kidman

Well, this movie probably gets my “Weird movie of the week” award. It was eerie and strange to watch it, but it was hard to actually point out why.

Definitely a slow going movie, where everything is done for a reason. I found it a bit hard to follow the story, was a bit disjointed in the beginning. John Cusack definitely played a role like I have never seen before. Like a deranged Earl.

The real star of this movie is Nicole Kidman. She acted the fuck out of this movie, and she is the best part. But the eeriness and strange story kind of put me off, not to mention the slow moving plot points. Eventually on youtube will be a compilation of Kidman’s best scenes from the movie, and you should watch that. The actual movie itself? Up for debate, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

Ah, another movie that I watch knowing nothing about. Who doesn’t love these?

But I will figure it out from the title. Cosmopolis. Uhh. City life. And Fashion. Yeah, lets’s say that.

Or a space odyssey. Yeah, I got nothing.

Featuring a kick ass limo. For 75% of the movie!

Eric Packer (Robert Pattinson) is a big CEO billionaire in NYC. Yes, he is young too. Get at him girls.

But today, he wants a haircut. Only one place will do. Problem is there is bad traffic, and he is stuck inside his limo most of the way. Weird shit going on, protests, riots, whatever. So a lot of the movie takes place inside his limo, as he has meetings, sex, and appears elsewhere without notice.

I could describe it all and tag all the people, but frankly, it is confusing and hard to remember. I was lost, and I hated myself for watching it. Sounds intense, but it is true.

The last 20 minutes, however, features Paul Giamatti. Did you know someone was trying to assassinate Eric as well? Shit. That sucks. But who does Paul play and why would he want to kill a harmless billionaire?

Look at Robert. LOOK AT HIM. So fancy.

Cosmopolis is about 100 minutes, and that leaves about 70-80 minutes of confusing material.

I had to rewatch the ending before giving this review, because the conversation between the two is quite long and deep, and I wanted to make sure I got it all in. The conversation itself was a great one, but I wouldn’t say it excuses the first 4/5 of the movie for being confusing and strange.

If you watch it, and can understand it all, let me know. Again, the ending I thought was very deep and almost even well acted (thanks to Paul G). Robert Pattinson wan’t actually bad, just his character was emotionally distant so it was hard to like or care about.

Maybe the book makes more sense?

Warm Bodies, Warm Bodies.

Unfortunately, due to hearing that title said twice in a row, I really can’t stop doing it. It adds effect. It makes it creepy. I like creepy.

I kind of hate zombie based fan ficiton. More specifically, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is a terrible book, seriously read it. It is P&P with another guy throwing in some zombie fight scenes and changing some words. But his writing style is so different than Jane Austin’s style that it is painfully obvious. But that was Zombies and Romance. How about Zombies WITH Romance?

You see the whole thing is a metaphor. A metaphor, for uhh, to be emo is to be dead.

R (Nicholas Hoult) is a zombie. Not much to talk else to mention about his life, he is a damn zombie. He doesn’t remember his old life, or his old name or anything. He has a “Friend” in M (Rob Corddry), but that means they sometimes go out on hunts together for food and grunt some.

On one of those faithful hunting missions, they run into a group of survivors looking for meds. That is where he meets Julie (Teresa Palmer). But something is different, something has changed. He doesn’t want to eat her body. Well, not in the traditional sense.

Could this be love? Necrophiliac love? Analeigh Tipton plays her best friend, Dave Franco her boyfriend, and John Malkovich her dad.

This is also a metaphor. A metaphor, for uhh, war. War is bad.

From what I can tell, the movie has differences from the book, but the author of the book is fine with it. He saw the movie and likes it, so I definitely won’t judge the two apart (not that I ever do that anyways). But I can say that after watching the movie, I want to read the book. Already ordered it online, can’t wait. The only other movie that I did that with was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Which, I might add, I liked the book as well and there were differences.

I thought the intro the movie was pretty dang hilarious. It begins with a nice monologue from R, as he shuffles about his normal zombie life, and we learn the ins and outs of his mind and actions. It just felt brilliant.

Rob Corddry stole the show with his zombie, but he was given the funnier lines, because he wasn’t currently in love with a living woman.

The movie has obvious references to a famous love story, which I figured out halfway through. I am glad they kept it somewhat subtle, I was afraid they would smash it over your head at the end, but thankfully they didn’t.

Shit, the only thing I really disliked would be that the change happening the zombies could have been more gradual and obvious. For R, it was slow and the signs of him getting better were clear, but for the rest of the zombies it felt rushed.

Fuck it. I loved this movie. Here is a high ass rating.

I miss sexy movie titles. Just a last name (or even a full name) are boring titles. They don’t even say anything about the movie unless you already know the character they are based on. Parker is actually not the first time this character has been in film. At least five other movies have featured Parker as the main character, based around the crime novels by Donald Westlake/Richard Stark, but most of them at least have interesting titles.

On an unrelated note, I am a little bit interested in the movie Bullet To The Head.” I bet you can figure out why.

Because Stallone wont be attempting to be a British man faking a Texas accent.

Parker (Jason Statham) is just your ordinary crook with a few simple rules. Don’t hurt anyone innocent, don’t steal from those who can’t afford it. That usually means organizations with insurance, and the money goes to himself, so don’t consider him a Robin Hood character. His girlfriend (Emma Booth) knows all about it, because her father (Nick Nolte) is an ex partner of his, who now just sets up criminals for bigger scores.

Which of course he does with Parker and another group of guys. Robbing the Ohio State Fair, a score of about a million dollars, $200k each. Pretty solid. But it turns out the other four members of the crew (Michael Chiklis, Wendell Pierce, Clifton Collins Jr., Micah A. Hauptman) have their eyes set on a bigger prize. Another job for five people, worth millions, but they need some start up cash first, all of what they just got.

Well, they are vague, Parker says no, they try to kill him and run away. But of course he doesn’t die. That would be a sad and short movie. So he creates a new identity, and heads off to West Palm Beach to stop the guys who tried to kill them by killing them first, and of course getting his money back. Shouldn’t be too hard. After all, Jennifer Lopez plays a real estate workers strapped for cash, being chased romantically by a local cop (Bobby Cannavale). Parker basically has his own small army with J-Lo!

Too bad it will take at least 3 small armies to remove his grimace.

The previews for Parker make it seem like a giant revenge action flick. A crime occurs, guy gets wronged, he goes back for vengeance. If anything, it was the exact opposite. Yes, the heist goes off and he gets wronged, but he doesn’t start killing all the people involved on a warpath. No, he has to plan it all first. Here is where my brain starts to get all weird.

I like that it is planned, that the movie looks before leaping and sets everything up first. That way we get to see how smart our main character is! Smart and his great ability to survive despite all these injuries. But then it became too detailed, and a little bit boring. Honestly, after the two hour movie, I had felt like I was in the theater for four hours. It is hard to describe, but things definitely go way too slow.

It didn’t help that watching every little step of his recovery/run/planning made me  hate the Parker character. Apparently Parker hates people who break his rules and his creed! Well, so much for the stealing only from those who can afford it. It was almost comical, watching him steal car after car, location to location, without actually knowing anything about the owners of any of them. His creed didn’t mean a dang thing when it actually mattered.

His actions ruin the image of the charismatic thief for me, just a bit. Compiled with the snail crawl of the film makes it hard to recommend to anyone.

The Arnold is back!

Alright, maybe he hasn’t really gone anywhere. The Govenator was still taking part in The Expendables franchise at least, but with The Last Stand he is officially back in the lead role. Just don’t confuse it with the X-Men movie of the same name.

Although Phoenix could solve this problem in an instant.

Sommerton Junction is a small town in Arizona by the border of Mexico. That border is a giant canyon, so there aren’t too many problems associated with it. The high school has a big road football game, so most of the town has left for the weekend to cheer them on, but not Sheriff Ray Owens (Arnold). He is happy to have a weekend off, but he gets a strange feeling about a trucker (Peter Stormare),who comes up clean when his plates are run.

Oh well, it is not like he is secretly a member of the Mexican Cartel, working on busting out Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) from FBI Custody (Forest Whitaker), and then racing him to Mexico across the canyon. That would be ludicrous!

Ray decides that no Mexican Drug lord is going to come into his town and kill its citizens, not on his watch. Nope. He wants to make a stand. With his crew by his side (Luis Guzman, Jaimie Alexander, Zach Gilford) and the deputized citizens of an alcoholic who wants to redeem himself (Rodrigo Santoro) and a weapons museum owner (Johnny Knoxville), they decide to go all out to show that they are not just stupid farmers and rednecks.

“GET TO THE DINNAH”

Sometimes it can be hard to figure out if you are supposed to take a movie seriously or not. I like to apply the LG test. That is, if the movie includes Luis Guzman, do not take it seriously, and I don’t think it has failed me yet.

I do love that The Last Stand provides an action movie without an overabundance of special effects, and being set in rural Arizona helps add to the grittiness. I liked the resolution to the plot, even if the plot was one of the more ridiculous things I’ve heard of. It also wasn’t just a silly shoot em up movie where the good guys use Home Alone-esque traps to take out the bad guys. I actually feared that any character could die.

But, the acting still is pretty bad, and the dialogue probably over did its “one liner” quota. I think the beginning was also a bit too slow, but it picked up when they discovered the bridge being built. An interesting movie, but not sure if it is one I will ever try to watch again.

The thing I love most about Movie 43 is how easy it will be to review.

I mean, part of the point is not knowing much about the movie ahead of time before you see it. So I don’t have describe all the skits, just the main plot that tries to hold it all together.

Shit yeah! Oh, and so many tags. I am gonna tag the shit out of this movie.

I don’t have any obligation to tell you what Halle Berry is going to do with that Turkey Baster!

So here is the basic story, which is a piece of shit excuse to give you this movie. Sorry, that sounds negative. The point of this movie is a series of short skits all put together, that is all. Trying to put a plot behind them all? Probably won’t work well, but it technically gets to be the movie plot.

A crazy asshole (Dennis Quaid) is having a meeting with some big movie executive (Greg Kinnear). Why? You know fucking why, to sell a movie of course. Greg doesn’t like it, the movie is vulgar and bad, but when a gun is brought into the equation, maybe he will listen. Also featuring Will Sasso and Common.

What vulgar skits? We got Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet on a blind date, where Hugh is basically perfect. Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts are homeschooling their kid, Jeremy Allen White, and trying to give him the realest depressing experience ever.

Anna Faris wants Chris Pratt to poop on her. Kieran Culkin and Emma Stone are awkward.

Richard Gere doesn’t understand why people are sticking their dicks in the iBabe, nor does Jack McBrayer the scientist. Only person who gets it is Kate Bosworth.

There is a speed dating convention in the DC universe, with Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Bobby Cannavale, Kristen Bell, and Leslie Bibb all playing parts.

Jimmy Bennett is on a “Date” with Chloe Grace Moretz, who gets her period, and the older brother Christopher Mintz-Plasse freaks out. Seann Williams Scott is mad at his best friend Johnny Knoxville, but to make it up for him, he found a leprechaun (Gerard Butler).

Am I almost done? Fuck no!

Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant are on a blind date playing truth or dare! Terrence Howard says the same joke about black people and basketball over and over!

BUT JUST YOU WAIT. THERE IS ONE MORE SCENE. AFTER THE CREDITS.

I was surprised too. Because this scene didn’t have any previews in the trailers. So I will just say Elizabeth Banks and Josh Duhamel.

Just seeing all those links man. It makes me dizzy.

Maybe I talked about the skits too much, maybe I didn’t. But basically all I mentioned was information you can learn in the trailer, which is unfortunately a lot of it. Problem is, some of the better jokes I already knew were coming and it ruined it a bit for me. I knew about most of the Home School scene, but I still thought it was one of the better ones. Poop quest ended up being better than advertised as well. My favorite scene, however, was the Batman based speed dating, but that could just be because I am a comic nerd. Either way, Jason Sudeikis made that scene his bitch, and I want more of that.

The movie started pretty uncomfortably too, with the blind date scene. No one really laughed right away at the sight gag, but eventually they just threw it in our face enough that it became funny.

I understand the movies only purpose is to do outrageous things, without a plot, but I am upset about the main story line. I hated how it ended. Pretty much a cop out. Even more strange is that only the American version features Quaid and company. Apparently international versions star three unknown kids searching the internet for a fabled movie and finding these clips. Pretty dang weird.

Yeah, most of it is dumb ass jokes, but eventually you just have to give in or else you will have a bad time. Easier to accept the laughs than to ignore them.

Unfortunately, it is still a pretty shit film, in the grand scheme of things. So there you go! Maybe watch with the buds eventually, while drinking, when it is rentable. That would be a better idea.

Let me tell you a little story. Redbox free rental codes mean one thing normally. It means I can get some fucked up random movie and see how it is without feeling bad. The last time was Zombies Vs. Strippers. But this time I wanted a real movie! But the red box I looked up and planned for was closed, had to go to a close one nearby, none of the ones I wanted were there.

So I got 1313: Cougar Cult instead. Clearly that name alone, it must be some sex based horror movie with middle aged women.

But I was wrong. I was oh so very wrong.

THIS IS WHERE I START TYPING IN ALL CAPS.

ALRIGHT, SO THESE THREE WOMEN ARE ALL LOUNGING IN THEIR GIANT MANSION (Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, Brinke Stevens).

AND THERE IS A POOL CLEANER. BUT BEFORE HE LEAVES HE NEEDS TO SHOWER, FOR HIS GIRLFRIEND.

HIS SHOWER LASTS A LONG TIME. I MEAN, MOST SHOWERS DO, BUT IN MOVIES THEY NORMALLY DON’T SHOW SO MUCH SHOWERING. I THINK IT WAS OVER 4 MINUTES OF SHOWERING SPLICED WITH THE WOMEN WALKING AROUND WITH COUGAR NOISES THROWN IN.

THEN HE GETS CHASED BY COUGAR SOUNDS. THE GIRLS EAT HIM. PRESUMABLY OFF CAMERA, AND SOMEHOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE THEM YOUNGER, BUT IT DOESN’T WORK.

SO THEY HIRE THREE NEW COLLEGE GUYS FOR THE SUMMER TO COOK, MASSAGE, AND CLEAN THEIR POOL. THEIR SEDUCTIONS COMES AT NIGHT, OR WHENEVER THESE GUYS SLEEP. THESE GUYS SLEEPING OF COURSE IN BOXER BRIEFS OR WHITEY TIGHTS ABOVE THE BLANKET. THESE SEDUCTION DREAMS MAKE THE GUYS FEEL ALL SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE, AND JUST LAY IN BED, GROANING, AND ROLLING AROUND. THIS ALSO LASTS FOR A LONG TIME.

OVER AND OVER. OH HEY ANOTHER SHOWER SCENE. OH HEY, SLEEP TIME SEDUCTION AGAIN. OH HEY, PLOT? WHAT PLOT?

EVENTUALLY THERE IS A REAL RITUAL, BUT THE “NERD” GUY STOPS THEM. HE PUTS THEIR LOCKET ON A FOREHEAD, AND THEY ALL DIE IN SMOKE OR SOMETHING. ALSO THEY CAN TURN IN TO COUGARS KIND OF.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL SCENE FROM THE MOVIE. THIS IS THE FULL EXTENT OF TURNING INTO A COUGAR.

Okay, I am done yelling.

Yes, it looks like I have been tricked into buying some sort of gay soft core porn. Soft core porn is of course the act of sex, but nothing shown below the belt. This has no sex in it, and nothing shown. Just a lot of guys showering, and having nightmares in their sleep. Then eventually running around in said underpants.

What!

I know what you are thinking. Is this movie so bad it is good? No it goes beyond that into the dark realms of badness. I think this was filmed in a day. The night scenes where they sleep are bright as shit from the sun.

But also roughly nothing happened in the 75 minutes. They filmed the women walking around, posing, with cougar noises, and maybe doing a small ritual. But that filmed scene was used four other times in the movie, identically, in the same order, spliced with guys showering or laying in bed. The women even changed clothes eventually, but they used the same scene, with strange music and cougar noises.

Fuck! These women are supposedly famous for being scream queens in the 70s/80s or something like that, but they do about nothing in the movie. They turn into cougars twice, it is unsure as to why they have these powers. It is vague how their immortality thing works.

I also learned after the fact that the 1313 part of the name comes from a series of films from the same director. All featuring men in underpants for long periods of time. Yet each one of them probably also has a suggestive title making you think it is not at all what the viewer would expect.

It was so bad, I won’t even recommend that you see it for yourself. Just take my word on it. Avoid the film! Avoid it!