Gorgon Reviews

Ah yeah, Oscar Season!

As of this posting, I already have all of the Best Picture nominees, most of the Best Acting nominees, and 3/5 of the Best Animated films. But no Documentaries or Foreign Films!

So why did I pick Ida first? Well, this is one of the few nominees already on netflick. A-ha!

How could it be so simple? This one from Poland.

And it features women who hate fun things.

Not a lot of players in this one. The main character, Anna (Agata Trzebuchowska), has lived in a nunnery most of her life. She is about to say her vows though, which I assume is at 18 or 21 or something. But instead of sending her off to experience life, they send her off to her aunt, Wanda (Agata Kulesza), who could never pick her up for whatever reason.

Well, the main reason is that Wanda doesn’t want to be a mom, and that she is a Jewish person living in Poland as a respectful Judge in the community. Anna’s parents were killed, and that is all Anna knows. So she goes to visit with her Aunt and hopefully see her parent’s graves to say good bye for them before taking her vows and giving up earthly pleasures.

Those earthly pleasures which she of course has never experienced or thought about, living in a nunnery that long amount of time. Wanda thinks she should drink and party first, or else her vows mean nothing. But nope. Anna has one goal. Find out about her parents, and live her life alone. How sad, Anna.

Oooh, but there is a boy. Maybe they will do it!

Sigh. I get it, I do.

Ida is a well crafted/beautiful-ish movie. It is in black and white (if you didn’t notice), and the director clearly put a lot of thought into each and every camera placement. You could watch the movie and pause it and think, “Huh, that is a pretty scene” for most of the film.

That is great!

However the story is dull as fuck. The description makes it sound a lot more ominous than it actually is. The story goes basically everywhere I thought it would go, and it goes there slowly.

I haven’t seen every WW2 movie that exists, but even thought it seems to have maybe a different plot, it still just feels the same.

I kind of hated this movie, regardless of beauty. It just dragged on and on, despite not even being that long. So far, I am pretty disappointed with the crop of these foreign films.

1 out of 4.

Normally when movies get pushed back, I wonder and worry. Sure, sometimes it is as simple as not being able to compete with a bigger movie coming out that same day. Sometimes it is due to a production company not wanting to compete with its own product.

I have no idea why Kingsman: The Secret Service got moved from November 2014 to February 2015. February/January are generally deader months where a lot of shit goes, so it feels like the studio just didn’t think it would be good enough to make it. So they put it at the beginning of the year to hide it.

That is clearly what is going on with Jupiter Ascending, which got pushed out of Summer to February, which means they don’t think it will succeed as a blockbuster.

But this is Kingsman, and the trailer actually looked interesting. Damn it. WHY DID THEY MOVE IT?

I can only hold on to my butts so long in anticipation!

Back in the day, Great Britain decided it needed to protect the world. That is a bit of paraphrasing. Either way, they made a secret service, based on the Knights of the Round Table. Each soldier is incredibly well trained, combat, spy gadgets, code names, Gentleman as FUCK, and lives a thankless life as they can never let their existence be known.

Galahad (Colin Firth) didn’t notice a bomb one time, and one of the new recruits died saving his life. He wanted to help out his family, so he gave them a medallion with a number on it to call if he ever needed help.

Now, seventeen or so years later, Eggsy (Taron Egerton) is in trouble. Sure, he is a smart lad (British terminology), but he has wasted his life living on the streets. His mom never got over his dad’s death and is now dating an alcoholic. He is involved with gangs. He runs from the cops!

And guess what, he needs help. Quite obviously, Galahad thinks he has what it takes. They need a new member as one of their own was slashed down by rich tech billionaire Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson) and his assassin Gazelle (Sofia Boutella).

So you know, training, spy stuff, gadgets, a shit ton of action, and everyone talking super funny.

Also with Jack Davenport as Lancelot, Mark Strong as Merlin, Michael Caine as Arthur, Sophie Cookson as the female main lead/training rival, and Mark Hamill as a professor. I normally wouldn’t even bring him up, but I mean, come on. Mark Hamill.

“I came here to drink tea and give someone a good going over, and the Americans dumped all of my tea.”

Right before the movie started, I found out it was 129 minutes and thought it was way too long. Now that it finished, I found myself only wanting more.

Kingsman is based on a comic by Mark Millar, the same man who wrote Kick-Ass. Hey. Matthew Vaughn, the director, also did Kick-Ass! How quaint! Matthew Vaughn had to leave Days of Future Past to do this movie, and that is fantastic, because it made it so we got two pretty awesome movies instead of maybe two terrible ones. I can’t believe how entertaining Kingsman ended up being. The action was high octane and firing on all cylinders, and the movie built a bigger body count than you would probably expect.

Samuel L. Jackson was in it, and of course he kicked ass as the villain. He had so much personality, I was almost rooting for him by the end. Colin Firth is usually fantastic when he isn’t in a super serious role as well, and I wonder if he backed out of Paddington to build up his R-Rating persona. Another movie with questionable things going on.

I mean. Honestly, the only thing I found super disappointing, was some really awkward stuff that happened at the end. It just felt so forced and childish. It felt like a 13 year old wrote the last minute, almost. It will be very off-putting to people, even if they enjoy it.

Kingsman may be truly the first very entertaining movie of 2015, and it helped kick start my hope for some unique things to come through the pipeline this year.

3 out of 4.

Left Behind is a serious of movies books that I remember hearing about when I was a kid. They were about The Rapture from the Christian Bible, where those who were judged holy enough got to go to Heaven, and the rest of the yokels on Earth had 7 years of destruction, sadness, whatever, before…I dunno, the apocalypse or something.

It shouldn’t be a big deal, one would imagine. At that point everyone would realize that Jesus was real, and start being super super religious and good. I couldn’t imagine any amount of chaos after like, a week, because people would generally prefer Heaven to Hell.

But it was a successful franchise, it had at least ten books and a couple movies that people enjoyed enough to enter our American conscious. And this…this is about the same thing? Maybe a reboot of some sort? Maybe a one off? Who knows.

Get on the phone and tell me all the information!

The Steele family is going through hard times. The dad, Rayford (Nick Cage), is a pilot and away from a home a lot because of it. A year ago, his wife found Jesus and got super awkward with the rest of her family. The daughter, Chloe (Nicky Whelan) is away from college and not home much. She is now! But her dad had a last minute flight thing, so she figured she’d see him in the airport before going home.

And look at that. He is fucking a flight attendant (Cassi Thomson). He even lied about the flight being last minute as he got concert tickets weeks ago for a concert in their location! He is avoiding the family. Must be from the weird mom.

Anyways, she also meets Buck Williams (Chad Michael Murray), a TV correspondent of something. They hit it off too, and he will spy on her dad when she goes home. OMG RAPTURE. Hey, all the kids are missing and super religious people. Stuff starts to crash, people loot, people freak out.

But more importantly, people take a very very long time to figure out what is going on.

Long enough for a quick fly and fuck though.

I didn’t find out til after watching the film, but not only is this is a reboot of the franchise, but it was done by the same people who did the other Left Behind movies. So hey, they are trying. I guess. At least someone is famous in it!

And let’s talk about how annoying this movie was. Very. First of all, it took too long for the characters on the screen to figure out what was happening. Even the strongest of Atheists would figure it out in a couple of minutes. Honestly. If things like that start to happen, things that are magical in nature, the human being will go to the explanation that can cause everything the simplest way. All of your Christian friends and kids missing kind of feels like a dead give away. They turned the movie into a lot of scene changes whenever someone would exclaim they figure it out, just for them to come back and be wrong. It was totally annoying.

Follow up, the rapture wouldn’t be that bad. After like, a day or two, people would stop looting and doing terrible shit. You know why? Because then there would be a proven God. At that point they know that if they sin they go to Hell, and they have seven years of pious ness or whatever before the final shit goes down. The bad people would be quickly wiped out and hey, everyone would be too scared to do anything outside of the Bible and it would be peaceful.

That is just general thoughts. The second one not really based on this movie, but maybe based on future ones. Either way. Acting in this one was shit, drama was stupid, and the plot felt like a lot of filler. Pass.

1 out of 4.

You’ve seen the worst, now prepare for the best.

I had a lot of movies that I really liked this year too. And unlike the worst list, everything on this list I gave a 4 out of 4 too. This is the cream of the crop.

Some films I didn’t get to see yet from 2014 that may have made this list. I have heard good things about A Most Violent Year, The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby, many documentaries, and Two Days, One Night. I won’t update this list either, just know it in case you think one of these should be at the top.

Honorable Mentions: Fury, Joe, Whiplash. There were probably more 4 out of 4s, but these would have been the next in line I think.

15) The One I Love

The One I Love is one of those surprises to make my list. This film flew by me completely under the radar, only found it because I was looking up Mark Duplass movies in boredom. And hey, it was an incredible indie flick that was also very simple in nature.

The entire performance is resting on the shoulders of our two main leads, and their performances are incredibly realistic for this situation. It is a Science-Fiction movie without outer space or rockets or gadgets. Just love, romance, philosophical debate, and many questionable situations after another in a very morally gray way.

14) Muppets Most Wanted

For those of you who read my The Muppets review, I thought the movie was okay. I didn’t grow up on the TV show, never watched it, but understood most of the pop culture references to it. I think I ended up watching more Muppet Babies, which I don’t think is canon. But the sequel? Muppets Most Wanted? I smiled from start to finish.

The music was basically done by Flight of the Conchords and it showed. Everything felt witty and original. I don’t think there was a single disappointing song in the whole picture. Which is why, awkwardly enough, this was my highest rated musical for the entire year. There were a lot of movies that should have been contenders, but some failed miserably, some were pretty good, but none made me this happy and excited.

13) The Imitation Game

Now my list might start looking like other “real reviewers”, but I warn you not to get used to it. The Imitation Game was actually nominated for Best Picture and there are many reasons why. Benedict Cumberbatch is awesome, generally taken as fact. It is about one of the most exciting non combat parts of World War II, the solving of the German Enigma Code.

Now, I don’t care too much if a movie takes historical liberties with the past, as long as we get a good story, and I am pretty sure that is what occurred here. I think a lot of the drama may have been exaggerated or created, but the important truths are still in tact, and it sucks what happened to Alan Turing. I didn’t think it would make me cry, but sure enough, the drama always wins in the end.

12) X-Men: Days of Future Past

Comic movies?! It is hard to imagine that the same studio who makes The Wolverine and other shitty X-Men movies can put out a masterpiece like Days of Future Past. On its own, it is an ambitious title, because time travel is always a tricky subject. First Class was a good movie and a step in the right direction, but I couldn’t have imagined the sequel jumping this many leaps and bounds to give an incredible comic book movie experience.

Although not my favorite comic book year, it did help give some faith to Fox Studios and pump me up for the next X-Men flick, Apocalypse. I hope this leads to even more ambitions films in the future and willing to break the mold of a typical super hero plot line.

11) 22 Jump Street

Yes, back to the “what? really?” aspects of my list. 21 Jump Street surprised me, mostly because it seemed like such a bad idea, the cast didn’t make sense, and the reboot felt unnecessary. I was wrong. The idea for the sequel, 22 Jump Street, I also thought was terrible. And I was wrong again, but more.

Phil Lord and Christopher Miller must have been completely bonkers to write this movie, as they took the idea of a comedy sequel, and went meta as fuck with it. Channing Tatum is secretly a comedic mastermind. That has to be it. I was cackling in the theater, almost to the point of pain. I am excited for the next 20 sequels they produce.

10) Big Hero 6

2014 was also an incredible year for animated films. A lot of heavy hitters this year, definitely more than the last few years when there tended to be one film above the rest. Big Hero 6 was this years submission by Walt Disney Animation studios, who gave us Frozen, Wreck-It Ralph and Tangled. But it was also partnered with Marvel Studios, given the ownership and all, to give us an incredible animated movie.

What I remember the most about this movie is the color and imagery went into creating this futuristic cross-cultured city. Oh, an the fun action scenes. And the humor. And yeah, it is just a wildly fun movie. The studio keeps putting out incredible work, and honestly, I can imagine this taking best animated film just as easily as any other movie nominated.

9) How To Train Your Dragon 2

Which brings me to How To Train Your Dragon 2. Me and Dreamworks have not been getting along, giving me mostly crap or only okay stuff for the last few years. For the first How To Train Your Dragon, I mostly just hate how lazy the ending riding conflict felt, and thought it could have done a lot better.

I actually don’t know what I like more, between this and the last movie. They are by far my favorite animated films of the year. The only reason I am giving HTTYD2 an edge is due to its vast improvement over the original. They both went to some dark places, both made me cry, and both were beautiful in every way. But a great story that wasn’t afraid to get dirty and wasn’t afraid to set the franchise up for bigger and more intense things.

8) Locke

Look, if you had told me I had to watch a movie about a guy on the phone for an hour and a half, I would have been probably upset with you. I get enough of that by riding public transportation every once in awhile. Unless that film was Phone Booth, I probably wouldn’t care.

But despite the plot, Locke is about Tom Hardy on a phone, driving along the interstate, making the hardest decision of his life. And that is it. And I was floored by how invested I became in his story and the choices he made. This plus The Drop cemented Tom Hardy as a wonderful actor, but we already knew that from Warrior, right?

7) Captain America: The Winter Soldier

The third and final comic book movie on my list, Captain America: The Winter Soldier started off the summer blockbusters right. And in April at that! Marvel is doing great things by making their different movies into different genres under the Superhero subtext. This one is spy/espionage/political action movie, with a few comedic elements as well to keep us guessing.

Before this movie, like most people, I would have said Avengers was the best Marvel film, but this felt like Avengers 1.5. Guardians of the Galaxy was a great movie, but not one that I thought was super great. Chris Evans is making himself the most important actor to the studios and I hope he gets a sweet ass pay check to represent what this film did to the MCU.

6) Nightcrawler

At first I was upset that Nightcrawler wasn’t about the X-Man. And then I was upset that Jake Gyllenhaal turned down his role in Into The Woods to do this movie. Then I watched it and I smacked my past self right in the mouth.

Gyllenhaal is also doing the best work of his career and it is amazing what he did with this role. Probably the best portrayal of sociopath in a long time, this Thriller/Drama explored the dark side of human nature and how just an individual with no schooling and a lot of can do attitude can become a success. No matter what.

5) The Raid 2

I wouldn’t want to make a best list without featuring at least one foreign movie! And that same foreign movie is probably the best action movie in the last 10 years. That number is picked at random, I can’t think of a better action movie 11 years ago. I can only think of The Raid 2. You don’t even really need to see The Raid: Redemption to understand this one.

Admittedly, the plots of these films are a bit weaker. But if you want well choreographed and insane fight scenes, there is literally no better action movie to pick. Over two hours long, and slightly more plot, this movie has more action into its pinky than the entirety of Sylvester Stallone‘s last ten flicks.

4) Gone Girl

David Fincher is probably one of the more celebrated actors of our generation, so whenever he has a new movie, you know peopl are going to rush and see it. I personally was more excited to see Gone Girl because of Ben Affleck. He was the bomb in Phantoms, he was the bomb in this movie. Hell, everyone was the bomb in this movie.

Rosamund Pike gave one of those terrifyingly creepy performances that don’t come along very often. Hell, the last time I saw anything remotely similar would probably be…Nightcrawler. Ah yes, the year of the crazy. But if a movie can feature even Tyler Perry and think he did a great job, you know something magical has happened on your screen. Ever twisting and turning, the wild book turned into a wild movie.

3) The Grand Budapest Hotel

After I saw my first Wes Anderson movie, I was weirded out, didn’t get it, and thought I wouldn’t watch any more of his movies. Just like earlier, I was glad to be wrong, and I have definitely loved his last three movies. The Fantastic Mr. Fox and Moonrise Kingdoms were both top films the year they came out, but The Grand Budapest Hotel has to be the best movie he has ever made. He has always been great with his cinemetography and quirky characters, but he elevates his directing game to new heights with this picture.

At this point in the article, I am running out of things to say without sound repetitive. GBH is funny and dark, and a great performance from Ralph Fiennes. I think this movie will inspire a whole generation of youths to become Lobby Boys and Hotel owning enthusiasts.

2) Boyhood

Admit it, you probably figured out what the top two films were a couple movies ago. And that is because they have probably been the most talked about out of all the movies from 2014. I think Richard Linklater is one of my favorite directors. The Before trilogy is probably one of the best and most realistic trilogies ever produced. When I heard he was making a movie that took TWELVE YEARS capturing a boy growing up from 6 years old to 18, I could barely believe it. When I finally got to see Boyhood, the 2.5 hours seemed to flow by.

His journey was the audiences journey. I don’t know if I found it more relatable because I too am a white male or what, but it was like a nostalgia filled journey that I wish would never end. I demand a sequel, but from 18-35. Make this the closest thing I get to having a real life The Truman Show. A crowning achievement of film and directing and one that makes me feel like I gained a friend who I have known my whole life.

1) Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue Of Ignorance)

Ah Birdman. What a movie. 2014 has some of the most unique films of the decade, and it is a shame that they all had to come out months of each other. When I first saw Boyhood, I thought there was no way a movie would top it for me. It was such a great concept and just felt like the epitome of the movie experience. And then Birdman came along.

Birdman had everything. Deeply dramatic monologues. Comedy. Beautiful visuals. Many ways to interpret the movie after seeing it. Fantastic fucking acting. A great story line. Very meta at the right time. I was blown away with the “single shot” feel of it. Single long shots are some of my favorite things in movies, so making the entire movie with that experience blew every ounce of my mind. ALL OF THE OUNCES. Not to mention making the actors really know their stuff. Having to actually act, like people in a play! Which is what the movie is about! Agghhh! Even the soundtrack rocked.

Even. The soundtrack. Rocked.

And there you have it! The best of the best. Did I leave off anything you think should have been up here? Do you disagree with anything at all? Am I the stupidest person ever? Be sure to let me know and yell obscenities while doing it!

The Identical actually came to theaters first week of September, and, from what I can remember, it was the only thing to come out that whole week. Yet I didn’t see it til its DVD Release.

Why? Well. It didn’t have any pre-screenings at all, around the country. Popular movies have pre-screenings. Movies that end up sucking have pre-screenings. But the only thing coming out that week didn’t even think it warranted them? That is a big warning sign if anything. Not letting anyone see the movie before it releases. That means they are afraid of the critics voice or popular opinion fucking up their sales.

That’s really all I knew going into The Identical, outside of its story involving a musician.

And clones. Clearly this involves clones, right?

Back in the 1930s there was something going on called The Dust Bowl. Big storms, droughts, fucked up a lot of farms. Was after the Great Depression too, so that wasn’t a good thing for our economy. As for two unlucky folks (Amanda Crew, Brian Geraghty), they found themselves poor and struggling to get by. And with twins!

So after a long discussion, they decided to instead give away one of the kids to a traveling preacher (Ray Liotta) and his wife (Ashley Judd) as they were unable to have kids on their own.

Flash foward some years, Ryan Wade (Blake Rayne) wants to sing and play music, while his dad wants him to be a Preacher, obviously. He then basically invents rock ‘n roll somehow, with a friend of his on drums (Seth Green). But he doesn’t get famous from it. His dad sends him to the army, and then preacher school before he finally sets off on his own to do what he wants to do: automobile mechanics. Nope. He can’t be a star, too hard for him.

But not too hard for Drexel Hemsley, his twin, who became super famous and invented rock ‘n roll, or something. Everyone says they look alike. But that can’t be. Oh well, Ryan looks up to him and hopes he can meet him some day. Also with Joe Pantoliano as a mechanic shop owner and Erin Cottrell as the girlfriend/narrator.

This is the first time in his life Liotta did not play a gangster.

I am so happy that I did not shell out money for a movie ticket for this garbage. It had so many ugh moments, on almost every level, that made this movie bad.

Starting with my already made joke, Ray Liotta as a preacher? What? Every scene set in the 1930s was done in black and white. That way you knew it was the past, versus the “present” of the 1940s and 1950s. Tacky and terrible.

It is such an awkward story (/book), because it is clearly just trying to make a strange fan fiction Elvis movie. The main actor isn’t an actor at all, but someone who won an Elvis lookalike contest in the 1990s and has made a career out of it. So yeah, that guy is the guy they have to play these two people who are notElvisbutElvis.

Not only is the plot itself terrible, but every one of the characters is two-dimensional and lame for no good reason. SPOILERS, but he doesn’t find out he is a twin until his “dad” is about to die. Great. His real mom and twin are already dead now too, so all he has left is a father who got rid of him. Yay?

It was so slowly moving, it became infuriating at times at how dense and pointless the whole film felt.

0 out of 4.

The Wedding Ringer seems to fail at the most basic level, having an interesting title. A lot of movies begin with “The Wedding” and end with some noun. Ringer is really only associated with The Ringer and that is a weird movie to be kind of associated with. Or it might make it sound like a shitty horror, if you think about it hard enough.

Oh well. I will note that Sony Pictures really wanted people to see this film a head of time. I think I could have first gone to a screening in October or so. And then roughly 2 a week until it finally came out (exaggeration, but barely). I am normally a bit more weary about films that show too many screenings, because I think they don’t think they will be successful without a lot of positive word of mouth. Like, a lot a lot. And that means it is probably shit.

Not that I am judging it or anything. But Kevin Hart has been on a downward spiral in terms of film quality, with me hating the last few of his movies outside of About Last Night. But hey, despite all these negatives maybe I will be surprised.

This movie probably will taste better with copious amounts of alcohol.

Doug Harris (Josh Gad) is super rich. Like, parents died, took over their business, gained a lot of wealth, and makes a lot of income. He is also kind of fat and awkward and has no friends. But when the daughter of one of his clients suddenly gets interested in him and finds him interesting, he runs with it. Now he is marrying Gretchen (Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting) and it is expensive. She wants everything and he agrees, this includes a big bridal party. Now ten days away, all she knows about the bridal party is their names, weird things about them, but no pictures and none of them around. Shit.

So Doug finds out about Jimmy (Kevin Hart), who runs a Best Man for hire business. With the time line and the number of people needed, Doug needs The Golden Tux package, costing him another $50k, but he is doing it because he totally knows lying is the best option to make his soon to be wife happy. Inventing fake friends ftw. He just stills has to impress her much smarter sister (Olivia Thirlby) and angry dad (Ken Howard).

And we also have the 7 hired groomsmen. Jorge Garcia, Affion Crockett, Dan Gill, Corey Holcomb, Colin Kane, Alan Ritchson, and Aaron Takahashi. Also Ignacio Serricchio as a gay Hispanic wedding planer. And Jenifer Lewis as Hart’s assistant and advice giver. I think I got every one in there.

The most eclectic group of friends since All In The Family. Errr.

One of the most annoying parts of this movie is it just is an impossible service to imagine. Doug has to pay $50,000 for the service he offers, and the only other price we see is about $20,000. Some people apparently have a lot of money on the side that their soon to be spouse know absolutely nothing about. So it is not only a huge breach of trust, spending that much extra before you share things, but the other breach of trust about lying about someone in your life. It is crazy.

So after I get over that fact, there are quite a few amusing moments in the movie. I could tell how the whole thing would end after about 20 minutes, so they never really stray off of the beaten path. That is a bit disappointing.

The cast of extra characters was entertaining. Kevin Hart was his usual self. Gad was never really anything funnier than “That fat guy”, so his character needed a lot of work. They gave me a Lost joke, which is all I really cared for.

The Wedding Ringer is okay, and not the giant shit show I thought it would be. After all, Kevin Hart’s last January movie was Ride Along which failed to live up to its potential.

2 out of 4.

Time to start a movie with some controversy. Maybe two levels!

First of all, I remember when the book American Sniper came out. I remember a lot of people getting it and loving it too. Biography of Chris Kyle, the deadliest sniper in military or something like that. I also remember all the controversy after that about all the lies in the book. He lied about several things, Jesse Ventura even won a lawsuit about the lies in the book, and the fact that he lied about seemingly random things, brings the whole truthfulness of the book into question.

How much of it is exaggerated? Apparently there isn’t even a stat of confirmed kills, so that part might have no merit either. Basically, a curve ball into the biography thing if it is based on a fictional book.

Second controversy? Oscars. American Sniper got nominated for a lot of awards and people are angry for some reason. Mostly people clamoring for diversity. Or that the Academy is old pro-war people. I dunno. I think it was mostly people who hadn’t seen the movie. Like me, until now.

Guns, America, Yee-haw, and patriotism!

Chris Kyle (Bradley Cooper) came from humble beginnings. Texas. His dad told him he needed to help and protect others. He was a cowboy in the rodeo, but thought about going into a more noble career after seeing war news on TV. No, not 9/11. Some 1998 U.S. Embassy attacks in Africa.

He became a Navy SEAL, which lead to him becoming a sniper, and he went off to fight some wars. Namely, four separate tours of duty, which I have been told is quite a lot. He had a few important missions there and had to kill a lot of people, but he also saved lives. And some he did not.

Hey, and between these, he also met his future wife, Taya (Sienna Miller), who he had kids with. Being away a lot really caused a strain on the family, but at least he was doing something America.

Also with some other bros, like Kyle Gallner, Sam Jaeger, Luke Grimes, and Jake McDorman.

And here is the now infamous fake baby scene!

Since them movie is based on a book based on lies, it is probably okay not calling this a biography. Right? Yeah, if we just examine this as a work of fiction, it becomes easier to judge and biases can be ignored.

Nice and simple. On its own, it is actually a pretty good war movie. It has the training, the motive, the childhood story. We have several different war plot lines with some moral ambiguity. It isn’t just about “getting the brown people!” and never even gets close to implying that. It examines PTSD and ways to work through it. It covers the whole spectrum.

I didn’t get super emotional near the end, especially since I knew kind of how it was going to end, but I can see how it tear jerks.

Cooper still looks like himself, but like, a fatter, slightly more buff version. He also has a killer Texan accent. I can say he definitely acts really well in this movie. I can understand why he is considered for Best Actor, but he has no chance of winning. At least three or four people I can think of who acted better, unfortunately only a couple of them also got nominated for that category.

Despite the controversy, despite the lies, Clint Eastwood makes a pretty good modern war movie with a character people might find relatable, that examines a lot of issues with war. It also isn’t inherently pro or anti war. Just pro soldier. That is a fine enough message.

3 out of 4.

Honestly, there is a good chance of me never seeing The Guest until probably…well, never, if it wasn’t recommended to me by at least two other people.

It is just such a busy schedule, so many movies, only so many days a week, I would have ignored it like some straight to DVD trash on the bottom row at Wal-Mart.

Even the plot line is out of a cliched, over done pile of crap. But these people told me not to worry, just go into it and let the plot happen.

So I made sure I was loose and relaxed and watched The Guest on a Saturday night alone. You don’t have to watch it the same way if you don’t want to, but I am just setting the mood up for you all. Can you dig?

Unrelated: How do they shoot scenes with mirrors? And even harder with tons of mirrors? TELL ME!

The Peterson family is pretty sad because the oldest son died, fighting for the best country in a war overseas. David (Dan Stevens) was a member of his unit who just shows up one day. All he has on him is a duffle bag, but he came by to pay his respects to the family because Caleb was one of his best buddies and he promised him he would help look out for his family. He doesn’t want to impede, but Caleb’s parents (Leland Orser, Sheila Kelley) insist that he stay for awhile, free of charge, before he heads out again.

Cool, it is like he is Caleb. But not really.

Also, how much do they know about David? Basically nothing. What if he has those PTSDs and decides to kill everyone one night? That’d be crazy right? Right?

Heh. Heheheh. Hehhhh.

The other members of the family are daughter Anna (Maika Monroe) and son Luke (Brendan Meyer). Also featuring a daughter’s best friend (Tabatha Shaun), government agent (Lance Reddick) and two other dudes (Chase Williamson, Joel David Moore).

At least the guest can help with the interior decoration.

The Guest is clearly a spiritual successor of Houseguest. They took their time on it in order to not tarnish the memory of Phil Hartman.

Also, everything about the plot and idea behind The Guest seems cliched. Did I already mention that? It is amazing though that somehow the movie doesn’t feel cliched. It feels fresh and actually remains interesting throughout. David is an interesting individual and his layers of madness creep out pretty slowly though out the film, so it is exciting to see just how dark it can go by the end.

The action is also very smooth. Like butter. Yes.

What more can I say? The Guest entertained, and hey, good job Dan Stevens.

3 out of 4.

Welcome everyone to my first ever “Worst Films of 2014” list!

I have said before that for the most part, Worst Film lists are terrible. They usually end up having something completely average or regular bad on the top, just because people like to drink the internet hatorade. For instance, some people claimed The Lone Ranger was the worst movie of 2013. I thought it was exciting, or at least average/okay.

And as a reminder, 2013 also gave us such classics like Movie 43 and Scary Movie 5. Yeah. The Lone Ranger is clearly worse than those movies. Technically these things are opinions, but clearly opinions such as that can be wrong.

Either way. I didn’t see every movie that came out in 2014. I saw most of the ones that had a theatrical release. But there are a lot of movies that go straight to DVD or straight to VOD. Dozens every week. I didn’t get to see most of them, so this is the

WORST 15 MOVIES THAT I HAVE SEEN THAT CAME OUT IN 2014‘
Catchy title. Why 15? Because I had that many I wanted to hate on again. Also another note: All of the movies on this list were either rated 1 or 0 out of 4. Some 1s may be rated lower. Why? Well, when I rate normally, it is more first impressions/gut reaction. This list however had lots of reflection. The difference between dislike and hate is a fickle one, after all.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Winter’s Tale, Heaven Is For Real, Vampire Academy, Mr. Turner. They all just barely missed the list.

15) Leprechaun: Origins

First up is not only a horror, but a remake! Leprechaun: Origins is one of the few movies on this list that didn’t even make it to theaters. It got a straight VOD release in October, made by WWE Studios. Like all recent reboots, it decided it wanted to be dark and gritty.

And you know, get rid of any personality the strange as hell franchise had going for it. Instead of a leprechaun, we get some strange C.H.U.D. looking creature that took its scary cues from the raptors in Jurassic Park. It is boring, it is unoriginal, and it was a waste of internet space.

14) Moms’ Night Out

“Hey, this movie you are about to complain about probably wasn’t even meant for people like you. You’re not a mom!” Well, I have to admit I am not a mom. But Moms’ Night Out doesn’t seem to be made for moms either. It stereotypes and and gives us unoriginal and terrible caricatures of them.

The fact that it came out around Mother’s Day is just advertising. The idea of making my own mom watch this movie seems like a surefire way of making my mom hate me. I wouldn’t want my mom to think I think she needs to be doing housework all day. This film must have been made in the 1960’s, that is the only explanation.

13) Tammy

Being typecasted can be a good or a bad thing. I mean, it is good if it gets you roles and a steady paycheck, and it is great if it doesn’t make you seem like a terrible human being. But to be typecasted as an annoying friend? That can’t make people like you.

Tammy is a road trip movie with no real goals or focus. What is worse about the Tammy character is that Melissa McCarthy got to make this character herself and still put herself in that situation. We have seen her in other roles that have showed she has range, but this one is more of the same. An annoying amount of same.

12) Left Behind

While leading up to the creation of this list, I watched a lot of “supposed to be bad” movies to make sure I had a more complete feeling list. That is to say, I watched Sharknado 2 and it wasn’t bad enough for this list. But Left Behind and one other were bad enough to make the list, yet not have official reviews written for them yet! Expect them in the next week. 🙂

Either way, Left Behind is a sort of franchise reboot, but with more Cage and probably just as bad acting. The main plot point seems to be characters who realize what is going on, just to be badly cut to a different plot area, and then cut back and their idea be the wrong one. Over. And over. And over. In this movie universe, everyone is an idiot.

11) When The Game Stands Tall

There are sports movies, there are inspirational true story sport movies, and then there is this shit. Stretching the truth to tell a good message is one thing, but When The Game Stands Tall takes a relatively recent (ten ish years ago) story and decide to shit all over the facts and give us inspirational hogwash. Or at least it tries to be inspirational.

But who can really connect with the team that has won over a hundred games in a row and then they finally lose one? They manage to take a great story, keep about 10% of the truth, and give me 90% made up filler. Shit, they can’t even get the opponents and scores versus those opponents correctly. Please, get the fuck out of here.

10) Planes: Fire and Rescue

If I made a list like this last year, Planes would probably be number 1 out of principle alone. Now, less than a year after the first one, we have a sequel of a planned trilogy, where at least the third one isn’t coming out for awhile. Maybe they will work on making it decent.

Just like the first film, Planes: Fire and Rescue is completely lazy in its script department, features a main character who can be a dick, features racist stereotypes to make its characters, and has shitty animation. The type of film that doesn’t try to be good because it makes all its money back instantly in merchandise. The only thing better it has going for it is that at least it has a stronger female character. Just a bit.

9) Lucy

Luc Fucking Besson. This man has been ruining scripts for the last few years, either by writing them completely and directing them, or just adding his input. They are all the same, if I can describe them as terrible and featuring Europe in some way. 3 Days To Kill was terrible, but Lucy was even worse.

Lucy took an okay concept, made it extremely stupid (or dumbed down if you will) and turned the character into an unmoral boring “hero”. A hero who can really early on in the film alter reality in ways so that people don’t have to get hurt, but hurts them anyways. It ends with a slow motion gun fight where her “Friends” and other nice people die. For what? For no fucking reason other than the poorly put together plot.

8) Ouija

Ouija is my second horror film and last one on the list. That’s right! Ouija is the worst horror of the year! That probably isn’t fair, because out of all genres, I bet horror has the most straight to DVD/internet/indie release type of films, so there are probably a lot worse. But damn it, I didn’t see them.

Ouija is a board game company trying to get more people to by their board game. To do so, we get a PG-13 plot line that features some of the least innovative plot twists and scary situations known to man. You know, all about a board game. It is incredible how boring they made this movie. I’ve seen better Ouija board based plots in made for kids tv shows.

7) The Identical

The Identical is the second of the movies on this list that doesn’t have an official review yet. Why? Well, the movie came out the first week of September in theaters and was notable for basically being the only release that week. But I live in an area that frequently has pre-screenings, and they wouldn’t even bother with The Identical.

So I didn’t even bother with it til now, and I am glad to say I didn’t spend $10 on this trash. It is basically like a make believe Elvis story. But instead of Elvis, we have two Elvis looking mother fuckers separated at birth. One becoming a big star, the other being raised by a religious Ray Liotta with dreams of being a rock and roll star some day. The plot description alone should make you want to run away and read a book.

6) Sex Tape

We are getting closer to the bottom, so my hate for these movies will be stronger and stronger. Sex Tape this low makes it officially the worst comedy of the year for me. How bad was it? Well, I watched in theaters with a group of people. Not only did I not laugh, but I remember the theater being silent as well.

But to top it off, it was so boring that in my middle of the day Saturday show time, I fell asleep missing the last twenty or so minutes. Like, hardcore passed out. I never nap and I don’t sleep during movies. I didn’t just sleep during the ending. I slept through 100% of the credits. I was woken up when the lights in the theater were turned on and someone was cleaning up the mess. That’s how boring and un funny this comedy was.

5) God’s Not Dead

When I first saw a trailer for God’s Not Dead, I thought it was a joke trailer made for the lols. What? It was really coming out? Well, it was meant to be a very limited run type of thing, but because religious people went in droves to see it, it became wide release and I actually had to watch it.

Look, movies where some of the characters are dumb and bad at arguments. Sure. But not when the filmmakes are lazy, making terrible characters, in order to help convince millions of people how to argue badly. The main character is an awkward strawman who is just angry and terrible at arguing despite his PhDs. It’s side stories decide to also attack Islam (and make it seem violent), feature Duck Dynasty because they were popular for being anti-gay last year, and even make regular women seem to be the devil. It is the laziest Christian movie I have seen and doesn’t even attempt to raise any amount of intellectual discourse.

4) America: Imagine The World Without Her

That’s right, a documentary! I felt patriotic with this review, watching it in theaters so that I could release it for July 4th! I liked the title, America: Imagine The World Without Her and thought it could go into some interesting subject matter. But no, it was all a ruse. I talk specifics in my actual review, but it is just such an awful piece of propaganda. I cannot believe it got put in theaters.

It features lies, un truths, and a whole lot of unnecessary (and way too early) campaigning for the 2016 election. Seriously. That is what this misleading title documentary turned into. Not only that, but it has some truths also early on to trick you and keep you on your toes. A documentary that should have its biased ass thrown in the trash.

3) I, Frankenstein

Here we go. The final three. And this one is a January release! January releases are known for being generally shitty. It is after the last two months of Oscar bait films. Films they don’t expect to do good and just hope to get back some of their investments. I, Frankenstein takes a beloved fictional character and makes him a whole new level of stupid.

I am a fan of Aaron Eckhart, I am, but first off, he made a terrible Frankenstein’s monster. Second off, this film is a CGI orgy of explosions and fight scenes, all of which are painful to watch. Third, we got a forced awkward romance. And finally, the plot. Oh the plot is full of holes, terrible fantasy lore and it looks like they just threw together a lot of different ideas to make it stick. The only good thing they had going for it was at least a unique choice of weapons and not the same old sword action movie.

2) Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return

For whatever reason, people are super into the Oz based movies right now. That shit is old and every once in awhile, someone tries to remake the lore or re-tell the story and outside of Wicked, the story is always terrible. This time we have Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return, an animated sequel to the classic tale, throwing more characters no one gives a shit at at us, with new songs and new tales.

Just kidding. Shit is shit is shit. What is funnier about this thing is that the makers believe there is some Hollywood conspiracy to make sure independent animated films cannot succeed. When in reality, they had shitty animation and a terrible terrible movie. That is why it didn’t make money. Shit, this movie took years to make and seemed like some sort of Ponzi Scheme in the end. Popular people to voice is does not a good movie make.

1) The Legend Of Hercules

Yay, number 1! The worst movie of the year in my eyes. Here is a check list of things going bad for The Legend of Hercules.

It came out in January.
It is a doppelganger film, but also the “rushed out to beat the other one and definitely far far worse” of the two. (Compared to just Hercules).
It is based on stories, and by that, I mean, Hercules is a character name and everyone else…? I don’t know if anyone is in his mythos. Every other plot point and character just seems generic and made up.
Terrible CGI.
Mostly just a love story and it seems like it wants to capture the Twilight crowd.
Kellan Lutz.

If you like Hercules, don’t see this movie. If you hate Hercules, don’t see this movie.

Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know (but I probably saw it and reviewed it on this very site! Check out my thoughts). Next week? I will have a list of movies you should actually watch.

Ah, I do love a good controversy to start a review off.

This movie is called Pride. For most of you, you can take a good guess at part of the subject matter of the movie. For others, it might come to a shock to you that this film deals with gays and lesbians.

In fact, it is about a true story in the 1980’s in Britain! But the US distributors of this film don’t want you to know that. Which is why they have seemingly gone out of your way to mention the gay/lesbian presence in the pictures and description of the film, despite being the main point.

Welcome to 2015, bitches.

And shout it from a megaphone!

1984, and Great Britain was under attack against the scary Iron Lady. Or at least that’s how I picture it.

Movies tell me nothing but bad things about Thatcher, and this one is another one of them. 1984 had a Great Britain Great Miners’ Strike. Thatcher was super anti-Union and so the miners went on strike to make more money. Well, this thing lasted a long time, with whole communities having no income. Kind of harsh, but they had to fight for what they believed in.

Which is what the gays and the lesbians were doing too. Mark Ashton (Ben Schnetzer) decides that they should support the miners openly. They even want to start an organization LGSM, Lesbians and Gays Support The Miners. Sure, the Miners stereotypically would be people who used to beat them up for being “perverts” but Mark knows that a group who people hate should partner with other groups that people hate in order to make bigger noises towards bigger and better changes.

So it is that simple. They will start collecting money for them so that they can afford food and pay the bills, as long as they will accept their money first.

Starring as the perverts, George MacKay, Faye Marsay, Freddie Fox, Andrew Scott and Dominic West. Starring as the pits, Bill Nighy, Imelda Staunton, Paddy Considine, and Jessica Gunning.

The stereotypes are entirely true. The gays dance better than the miners, every day.

A feel good story about overcoming differences between two groups of people to kick ass together! That is what Pride is about. Not just one side or the other, but both.

I’m sure you could tell all of that from reading the description, no matter what country release you had. And hey, sure, it felt a bit standard at times. There were moments that felt like a made for TV film, and then other moments that made sure you knew it was rated R. I wasn’t sure what I would give it rating wise until the very end, when sure enough, they messed with my emotions enough to give me a little bit of a tear or two. Dicks.

And we had a few stand out performances, namely Dominic West/Andrew Scott, and Bill Nighy/Imelda Staunton. Both play couples and both amazing in different ways. Namely also that Dominic West looks like some strange version of Richard Branson in this movie. (I say that about anyone with an accent and long man hair).

Of course, more importantly, I learned a lot about one year in Britain. I have more reasons for movies to tell me why I should dislike Thatcher. And I got to talk about a controversial movie but not in the way it should have been controversial. Diary, today was a good day.

3 out of 4.