Gorgon Reviews

I can’t remember the first time I heard about the movie The Loft. I do know that it was supposed to come out in the fall of last year, but the date was pushed back til 2015, thanks to As Above, So Below.

Apparently, they were deemed to close and needed a breathing room of about 5-6 months between films. Huh.

Oh, because this is a thriller. A sexy thriller. With multiple people who have been in movies based on comics! Whoa. What could go wrong!

Well, it could be a total sausage fest I guess.

Five men. One room. Lots and lots of extramarital affairs. For whatever reason, let’s just say the extreme influence of a couple of individuals, they all wanted to cheat on their wives. So if they all put in together for a nice Loft in the city, they could go there at any point, sleep with their lady friend, and their wives wouldn’t know. Wouldn’t have to buy hotel rooms, they would be the only ones with a key. Nothing could go wrong.

UNTIL THEY SHOW UP ONE MORNING AND FIND A DEAD HOOKER ON THE BED.

Not just any dead hooker. Sarah Deakins (Isabel Lucas), who most of them had a relationship with in one way or another at some point. Not talking sex. But just general interactions with.

So five guys, five keys. Who did it? Who killed the woman? They can’t just call the police, or else all of their relationships will be rightfully ruined. So through a series of mostly flashbacks, the occasional police interrogation, and just general shouting match, we can maybe piece together who did what. Why people did things. And just who the hell is a killer?

It could be any of these men! James Marsden, Karl Urban, Wentworth Miller, Matthias Schoenaerts, or even Eric Stonestreet. Just, big gay man on Modern Family, Eric Stonestreet.

“I’ve never seen so many dead hookers in all my life!”

There isn’t a lot to say about this movie.

It was boring, it was dull, it was convoluted. Everyone is a scum bag, which is a hard film to watch. No one is the guy to root for, you just want them all to lose. Everyone sucks, some people just suck a little bit more.

And really, it was hard to follow at points. With flashbacks, interrogation scenes, and real time, it tried to build up suspense, but made me check the time left instead.

If I had to say one good thing about this movie is that sometimes…every once in awhile, the camera work was pretty nice. I guess? The only other thing I could say is…uhhh.

Well shit. That’s about it. Some nice camera work. Fuck this boring movie.

Here at Gorgon Reviews, we like to break the mold. We like to consider ourselves on the cutting edge of reviews. The only thing we are really lacking is those press credentials. But that is not what we are talking about.

No! Instead, we are just going to look into genre-defying films. Yes, on Documentary Thursday of all days.

Charlie Victor Romeo is about plane crashes. Straight up. Not a fun topic for anyone. Everyone should know what a black box is. It records whatever goes on in the cockpit, creating an audio record in case shit hits the fan.

Charlie Victor Romeo, in a nutshell, is six different blackbox recordings before six different airplane accidents/incidents.

Black boxes. White pilots. Who’d have thought there’d be no grey area in a cockpit.

Obviously, you have to be in the right mood to want to watch a movie like this. Now, it isn’t just the actual blackbox recordings. This is a documentary, not some audiobook. But when it comes to the genre defying characteristics, this is a theatrical documentary.

This is why we have some actors. A few people at a time recreate what the cockpit might have felt like during these moments, with the exact same conversation as it went down/almost went down and that is the entirety of it. It makes sense that this started out as a play, a pretty intense one at that. And then it became used for pilots in training! And then this movie.

It might help them discuss decision making, or whatever.

But assuming you are in the right mood for a movie like this, I would say overall it is still just okay. Some of the situations were good and tense. Some felt too long, maybe too boring, or just too confusing terminology wise. Some were a good length, intense, and great. It varies. But some might love its overall simplicity.

But hey, because it is acted, here are our actors! Sam Zuckerman, Debbie Troche, Nora Woolley, Patrick Daniels, Robert Berger, Noel Dinneen, and Irving Gregory!

Either way, this guy is on Netflix, and probably not leaving any time soon.

I can say I was definitely not looking forward to seeing Paddington. When I first heard about it, sure, maybe. I vaguely remember child stories about the bear.

But then the film had drama. Colin Firth was supposed to be the voice of the bear, but then he left the project. They literally had movie posters with his name attached for a Christmas release at this point. But Firth left the project, mid production. Oh no. That can’t be good!

So I had a negative perception of the film. Turns out Firth left on his own because he just didn’t think his voice fit the bear at all. He was just too old. The bear had a youthful look and he didn’t feel right for the job. That’s fair I guess. Well, I saw it now damn it. And it is a 2015 movie instead of a 2014. And it is still very, very British.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear…

The titular bear, Paddington (Ben Whishaw) didn’t always go by that name. No, he used to have (bearsound) as an identifier. Also he can talk. He was found by a geographer with the rest of his family. The bear family was unusually smart, so he taught them English. They also really seemed to like marmalade.

Eventually, disaster strikes their home, and Paddington is forced to flee the jungles. He decides to head to London, as long ago, the geographer told him he would always be welcome in the Greatest Britain. So he makes it to London, but no one immediately takes him in, like he thought would happen. But then eventually the Browns walk by. Henry (Hugh Bonneville) is against taking in a bear, but his wife, Mary (Sally Hawkins) insists upon helping him out. So they take him in for just one night. Well, he is a clumsy bear who knows nothing about human stuff, so a lot of shenanigans occur.

Eventually they find out he is slightly truthful in his tale of the geographer, so they let him stay. Yay a pseudo-home! Too bad he is also being… hunted! That’s right. A crazy taxidermist (Nicole Kidman) has found out about his existence and really wants to stuff him. Not a euphemism. She gets the help of one of the Brown’s neighbors, a crockety old man Mr. Curry (Peter Capaldi) to help her get that bear!

Also featuring the kids of Madeleine Harris and Samuel Joslin, and Jim Broadbent. Because Jim Broadbent is the most British man I can imagine.

Who has two toothbrushes and is DTF? This bear!

Now, I’m not racist, but that bear had way more pizzazz than I thought a bear could have. Hooray for pizzazz!

I actually found the movie quite enjoyable. It was jolly good fun. Did you see the bear in the bathtub? Hilarity, my good sirs! Hilarity!

This movie was obviously British, but it was also super British. The only thing missing was the Queen herself. There might have even been a Constable.

Kidman’s character felt maybe too ridiculous for my tastes, but the filmmakers were going for a cartoon feel so it all made sense. The family versus the bear dynamic worked really good as well, and I am happy to say the bear never raged out and killed a baby or anything. Overall, it is a decently enjoyable way to waste an hour and a half with the family. I bear no regrets.

I know. I missed out on a lot of January movies this year. They are slowly trickling down to me though. And I need to watch them all too. How else can I make a worst of the year list if I don’t see some of the best potential films that January want to offer me?!

I already saw Taken 3. But now I get to see The Boy Next Door.

Title wise, I only have to compare it to The Girl Next Door. And despite how much my younger self was really really excited to watch it for…reasons. I was left disappointed and never looked back. Little did I know how January this movie would be.

They had an exact replica of the room I write reviews in this movie!

Claire Peterson (Jennifer Lopez) is an English teacher at a high school. If her job profession didn’t bore you, the actress probably did. She is getting divorced from her husband (John Corbett), obviously, because that is really the only person she could get divorced from. He cheated. They have a teenage kid, Kevin (Ian Nelson). Ho hum.

Well, gossip time. A boy moved next door. Noah Sandborn (Ryan Guzman), just moved in with his grandpa in a wheelchair. He is going to help out. Such a nice guy. He also likes English Literature, like The Iliad. And he is friends with Kevin! And he helps out at the house too. And he apparently looks good naked.

Anyways. Claire and Noah have some of that sex thing. She was feeling bad. He was around. Kind of a mistake, since he is also in high school. Now in HER high school. Sex with a student is uncomfortable.

Especially when he transfers to her class. Starts hanging around a lot more. Starts getting threatening/agressive. Prints pictures of them naked together. You know, classic courting techniques. Turns out Noah has a not so spotless past. Mistakes have been made, and Noah might be a little bit too threatening. Dun dun dunn.

Also with Kristin Chenoweth as another teacher. She serves a role in this movie.

“Looks your in the kitchen. Allow me to grope your butt?”

The best way to indicate sleep through text is to just type the letter “Z” a lot. But I don’t think I could hold down that keyboard button long enough to indicate how much I would have rather slept than watch this movie. It didn’t even have the common courtesy to put me to sleep. My eyes were wide awake the entire time as I watched a terribly acted, terrible plotted, movie.

I can’t think of a single nice thing to say about it. Jennifer Lopez? Why the fuck is she in movies at all? Why were both the female leads singers in the first place? I mean, sure, Chenoweth has been decent in some things before, because at least she is in Musicals. But J-Lo ain’t in anything good. She doesn’t fit this movie at all, or her character.

It is uncomfortable, but not in a good way. It is uncomfortable because of just how pointless and shitty the whole film feels. It wasn’t ever scary, outside of knowledge that someone let this movie get made. Not only was it devoid of thrills, it was also devoid of any real risks. Anything to make it separate itself from straight to DVD horror films. I’d rather watch a straight to DVD horror film. At least someone of significance might at least die or something. Jeez.

No Good Deed is my first negative experience with a company screwing over a critic. Well, first and only.

Days before No Good Deed was set to come out, all screenings around the US were canceled. Press, public, and otherwise. Why? Well, this is the message that came with it:

Screen Gems has decided to cancel the advance screenings of NO GOOD DEED. There is a plot twist in the film that they do not want to reveal as it will affect the audiences’ experience when they see the film in theaters. Screen Gems apologizes for any inconvenience.

Yep, that says a lot there. Namely that hey, there is a big plot twist. Thanks for that, assholes. And since when have movies with plot twists been spoiled ahead of time by reviewers? I am sure it happens, but is it a big deal? Not at all. Most people don’t actively look for the twists, most people ignore it.

This was when I was still seeing everything I could in theaters, but I figured because of their shenanigans, I knew I’d wait til I could rent it for next to nothing and not reward them for this crap.

And I was excited to see it too. It hurt me, when the film left me. It hurt deep down.

It felt like a rain cloud was following me around for weeks.

Colin (Idris Elba) is a bad guy, maybe a sociopath. He was in prison for five years and up for parole. They got him for a manslaughter charge, but his crimes have also been linked to more than one missing woman. They just couldn’t prove anything. So just a manslaughter charge. Families are mad that he is up for parole. Well, obviously, he doesn’t get it, no matter how reformed he looks.

Well, he says screw that, and escapes from the transport anyways. What a bunch of dicks, not letting his reformed ass out of jail. So he goes to his old lover’s house (Kate del Castillo), finds out she has been cheating, and you know, kills her. She wasn’t faithful to him!

While driving away, he gets into an accident, and walks to a nearby house. Pouring rain, late at night, pretty bad times. Terry (Taraji P. Henson) is home alone with her baby and little girl. Her husband (Henry Simmons) is away on a golf trip with his dad for his dad’s birthday. So after a bit of help, she trusts him enough to let him in, dry off and wait for the tow truck. Things get even more interesting when her BFF (Leslie Bibb) shows up for their girl’s night.

But clearly Colin is messed up in the head. And Terry is for the most part alone with someone she doesn’t realize is dangerous. Is she going to get punished for helping a stranger? For doing a GOOD DEED?

Hot dogs and mac and cheese? What is she, six?
Oh. Yeah, she does look six. Carry on.

Something something plot twist. That was IT? That was the big moment? I am going to talk about the plot twist so hard, without spoiling it, because that is what they didn’t want me to do. Sure, I am pretending I am a big shot movie critic who has some clout, not just a dude with a website, but shush. It happened, it didn’t make the movie better, it just attempted to add some sense to everything.

It was more or less a plot point, not a plot twist. Twist implies some sort of change, whether it be in direction or maybe just a loop di loop. So the twist is terrible, which doesn’t help the movie.

The movie itself has very little character development. I thought I would get a shit ton out of something that Elba agreed to be in, but he is as cardboard-y as the rest of the cast. I think the movie moved too slow, too slow for a suspenseful movie.

I don’t know what else to say about it either. Not to entertaining, and the big twist couldn’t save it.

Ah-ha! The elusive Song of the Sea! I have found it at last.

I tried to get all five of the animated picture movies ahead of the Aademy Awards, but I only reached four. Damn foreign flicks. And the only reason I got to see it finally was because of its DVD release. I can’t feel the least bit special about this, outside of completing them all.c

I don’t think I have ever seen a movie from Ireland/Wales. So this is a big first one for me! Outside of the ones with the fancy footwork. This means I am a bit excited to see what I assume will be fancy footwork in animated form.

Unless the Leprechaun movies count. Then I have seen too many from Ireland/Wales. They should stop having movies at this point.

“You guys have Rapunzel? Fuck your Rapunzel. We got /this/ guy!”

This film, like any good animated film, starts with the death of a parent. Parents! Who needs ’em!

Ben (David Rawle) lives in a lighthouse, with his dog, Co, his father (Brendan Gleeson), and his mother (Lisa Hannigan). The mom is pregnant, and they want to finish the painting of the selkie, a Celtic myth.

PLOT TWIST. Pregnancy is a bit bad. Comes early. Mom dies. Saoirse (Lucy O’Connell) is born. And it is not pronounced the way it looks. Six years later, Saoirse still can’t talk. She just doesn’t like it. And after a few close calls with the ocean, their granny (Fionnula Flanagan) takes them back to the city to live away from the sea and their life and their dog.

Well, Ben says fuck that. He is going to run away and escape back to his dog and his life. Screw the city. And I guess his sister can come too, as long as she listens to him. Oh yeah, she also found a magical cloak that can turn her into a seal. Totes cool. And a magical conch shell. And like, fairies and owls and other crazy shit.

…

I am trying to say Saoirse is a selke.

Also featuring Colm O’Snodaigh, Liam Hourican, and Kevin Swierszcz, which is the hardest last name I’ve ever had to type. I am in no way confident it is spelled right.
in

Lord of the Dance prepared me zero for this shapechanging shenanigans.

Well, first of all, I am happy to announce that the pictures above do not do this film justice. This film is pretty. Prettier than a cat in a shark costume. Was it prettier than Big Hero 6, The Tale of Princess Kaguya, How To Train Your Dragon 2, or The Boxtrolls? Well, maybe one of them. I won’t say too. Because basically everything was pretty in their own unique way. And it has its charm and simplicity that goes along with it.

Also, the main characters were cute as well. Going on their adventure, solving problems. Sure, the girl is a selke, so she has a huge important role. But Ben does his fair share of problem solving along with Saoirse. They are pretty equal. And of course the Dog.

There is only like one song, but it is decently catchy. Wish there was more.

But if I had any problem with it, it seemed to move too slowly at times. If you could imagine a person telling a story, and that person keeps getting distracted and rambling every once in awhile? That is what it felt like watching this movie. Just every once in awhile. Kind of just hoped it would hurry up and move on. Not losing complete interest, just a little bit.

I can see why this one was nominated, but also, I definitely don’t think it was the best overall.

Drugs! Have I tackled any documentaries about drugs in any way on my website yet? Looks like I haven’t.

Me and drugs have an interesting relationship. Or at least a lack of one. I don’t understand them, have no desire to do them, yet also, don’t care if other people do them. I know the basic things. Like pot. Pot is definitely less dangerous than smoking and alcohol, and I support people’s right to do those things. I am the kind of guy who thinks people should be able to do whatever they want, for the most part, as long as it doesn’t endanger others.

The Culture High is about that, but at the same time, way way way more.

Like. Literally everything. The documentary is at 2 hours length, and it has so much dang information in it. It isn’t just about marijuana, and its health benefits or lack thereof. No, it is about the entire drug industry, pharmaceutical to the war on drugs. It is about for profit prisons and incarceration rates. It even touched on the Kids for Cash thing. It is about lobbying groups and bribing politicians to follow corporate interests. It is about how sweet the Internet is and how the government would rather it be controlled.

I mean. Shit. It is probably secretly about your mother as well.

It is apparently also about my fifth grade science project.

Did I mention this was about everything? Because holy shit, it got around and I really want to emphasize this point. I can’t even begin to talk about all the people they had talking. From news correspondents, to people who have earned PhDs, to Joe Rogan, to everyone in between.

Despite all the great info, most of which I have seen before in documentaries focused solely to one topic, it felt like the documentary overall seemed to lack focus because of it. The flow was off. I kind of forgot every once in awhile that this was about marijuana legality in America!

This is the type of documentary that would be good for someone’s first ever documentary if they had no idea some of the shady shit that went down in America. But for me, it could have had a stronger focus. I technically don’t care if pot gets legalized or not. Like I already said, I am all for rights.

But my main con is that it just smells super damn terrible. Makes me almost vomit.

Febreeze yourself, please.

When I grow up, I want to be a cobbler. I don’t think anyone has said that in at least 150 years.

But at least it is a funny word.

Times are strange when you find Adam Sandler in a VOD movie with very limited theater release. His movies have practically printed money the last few years with the minimum amount of effort. Sure he sold out, but he can’t hear the complaints due to the hundred dollar bills falling out of his ears. And plus all of his friends get parts in his movies, and he uses the same crew. He is at least a good guy in that regard.

The Cobbler is about magic though. Or something. I dunno. Bring it on.

“‘Bring it on’ Adam said, as he slowly slid the red heels on for the first time.”

Max Simkin (Sandler) lives in modern day New York. He lives a boring life in down town, running the shop that his father (Dustin Hoffman) abandoned. He doesn’t really enjoy it, but he needs money. He also has to take care of his mother (Lynn Cohen), whom he lives with. There are protests lead by Carmen Herrara (Melonie Diaz), trying to protect the residents and store owners from higher rents, driving them from the area and forcing to sell their livelihoods for cash.

You know what. That sounds nice to Max.

But first he has to deal with some rude customers. Like this guy Leon (Method Man) who needs some shoes repaired that day to pick up that night. Well, Max’s main machine breaks. Shit. He finds a manual one hiding in a back and makes it from that. And wouldn’t you know it, eventually he finds out that machine is magical. SPARKLES AND EVERYTHING. Well, no sparkles. But in boredom, Max puts on the guy’s shoes waiting for him, and he transforms into that guy. Aw shit, shape changing powers. After all, Max is the owner of their soles.

How will he use this power? For good? For evil? For sex? To be a super HERO? No. Not the last one. Kind of all in between.

Also featuring Steve Buscemi as the neighbor barber, and a whole lot of other people, like Dan Stevens, Ellen Barkin, and Elena Kampouris.

For a guy who fixes shoes for a living, there are quite a lot of shots of him being shocked at having shoes.

Despite the movies flaws, I don’t think that they are the fault of Mr. Sandler. I know, that may sound crazy, but it is true. The problems must all lie instead with the directing, script, and whoever made decisions behind the scenes. Because honestly, Sandler was fine in this role. Disgruntled Jewish middle aged worker, poor and bored with life. He fit the bill really well. His character also made sense for his new powers. He isn’t a great guy. He uses his power for as many shenanigans as he can figure out, until his shenanigans run away with him.

But despite the decent enough pun/premise, the movie just fell completely flat.

The movie didn’t know what it wanted to be. A comedy, a drama, a dark comedy. Its indecisiveness rested on the main characters indecisiveness. Shit, it feels like a family movie for the most part, outside of some partial nudity, attempted sex, and murder scenes. Basically everything outside of that is extremely family friendly outside of a few moments. Kind of super awkward.

The movie also dragged. It only took 20 or so minutes before we got to both the power and realization of how to get said power, but everything else was extremely slow. Not to mention not really funny. At all.

Damn it! This movie could have gone to so many good places. And everything is just so damn drab and boring about it.

I could start this review talking about sequels that never had to be made. I could talk about the long time between movies (twenty years, or I guess, eleven if you count Dumb and Dumberer).

But no, I will just be the bigger man and realize why this movie was made. Jim Carrey wants to revitalize his career after a series of not great films, and Jeff Daniels is currently really hot, from The Newsroom, Looper and other dramas. Basically, it is identical to how it was twenty years ago, I guess.

So here we are! Dumb and Dumber To. It could always be worse. It could instead have been a sequel to something unrelated, like Cast Away.

Wait? What is this? Is there a Wilson as well? Fuck.

Again, this movie is set about twenty years after our friends began their trip back from Colorado. Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carrey) has been in a paralyzed state since he didn’t get the woman, apparently, and Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels) has been kind of taking care of him. But now Harry needs a kidney, so he has to go find one.

Well, it turns out Harry has a kid. Yeah. Right? He apparently got Fraida (Kathleen Turner) pregnant decades ago but just found out about it now. Well, she gave the daughter up for adoption. Now they have to travel and find her!

Well, again, Penny (Rachel Melvin) lives in a big rich house. Her “dad” is Dr. Pinchelow (Steve Tom), a super famous smart dude, rich as fuck. She has to go to a tech conference to accept an award in his honor, because he doesn’t like going to them. Also, Pinchelow’s new wife (Laurie Holden) is trying to slowly poison him in order to get those fat stacks of cash for herself. You know, with Travis (Rob Riggle), who I honestly forget how he is related to anyone.

Yeah. So, road trip, murder plot, and trying to get with a lady or two. Basically the same movie, right?

This time it has cell phones! The thing that can solve most problems for everything made before the year 2000.

Dumb and Dumber To is kind of a hard movie to describe without hating yourself and feeling like you are giving too much away. But then again, so is the first one. But in some cases, if the description sounds terrible despite my best efforts, then again, it just might be terrible.

Maybe it is nostalgia. Maybe it is generally better. I have no idea, but some how Dumb and Dumber is good (is it?) and this sequel, arguably being of comparable humor, quality, writing/directing/acting, is not. Guys. Is Dumb and Dumber bad?

I mean it is of poor taste of course, but would people who didn’t grow up with it hate it if they saw it for the first time as an adult? Man, nostalgia can be a fickle bitch.

No matter what way I look at it, Dumb and Dumber To is just a boring movie, with old film call backs, and the occasional smile or chuckle. Rob Riggle felt terrible in this movie, but to be fair, he is terrible in most movies. It’s that douche face he has, forcing him to play douche characters. Any plot twists were boring as well.

And just…fuck. Fuck The Farrelly Brothers. Make them stop now. We are done with their work.