Category: Uncategorized

Fuck.

Sorry, didn’t mean to alarm you. But I should note that now that I don’t write reviews for every theatrical movie release, I can now post some of them quicker and with less edits. Yay multiple reviews for the newspaper! So I threw in a fuck, because I don’t have to self censor myself for this review. I just type endlessly about random shit, because it really doesn’t matter when it just on this website. Quality be damned!

See, I haven’t even said the movie title yet, 85 words in. I am such a shithead.

There is no need to be upset.

Insidious: Chapter 2 takes place immediately after Insidious. So, spoilers, yo.

Well, Elise (Lin Shaye) is dead and strangled, but by who? A ghost? Preposterous! I bet it was Josh (Patrick Wilson) back from Astral Projection, so do the cops, minus the astral part. His wife, Renai (Rose Byrne) isn’t sure what to think, but she is happy to have her child (Ty Simpkins) back.

Either way, they decide to go live with Lorraine (Barbara Hershey), Josh’s mom, after the incident. Different house, same shit.

It is almost as if the evil demon spirits are attaching themselves to a person and not the house like we learned in the first film. Hmmm.

Because Elise had to go and die on us, we are introduced to Carl (Steve Coulter), Elise’s assistant from way back when Josh was a kid. Leigh Whannell and Angus Sampson still exist too, as the younger, yet also technically formerly assistants of Elise.

Insidious: Chapter 2 delves deeper into astral projecting. But also, shaky cams, possessions, abandoned creepy hospitals, and more back story than you knew was necessary. PLOT PLOT PLOT. Imagine those plot words came at you with a loud shrieking noise, like the title INSIDIOUS did in the first movie twice…and in this movie…twice as well.

A lot of similarities between part 1 and 2, is all I am sayin’.

James Wan likes to make some weird movies, that is for sure. If you saw Insidious you may have found it scary, but you definitely would have also called it unique. It was doing stuff that had not been touched before, just to ensure it stood out.

Well, Chapter 2 continues with the weird, but potentially fails to deliver any real fears or tears. Seriously. I was in a packed theater opening night, and I don’t really remember the audience reacting in any way outside of laughter. Not the “I’m too cool to be scared, so I will laugh” laugh. But Chapter 2 has lots of jokes in it, and some slapstick humor, thanks to the bumbling assistants.

But no scares, which seems fundamentally flawed as a horror film.

The story itself was interesting though. Stylistically, it felt like Wan didn’t know what kind of horror film he wanted, and kept changing a few things. Like, suddenly, a wild abandoned hospital appeared. Who the fuck has one of those in their cities, just taking up space? Astral Projection of course eventually returns, and almost reminds me of the time in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey when they went to Hell and ran through their past fears. A lot of it was kind of clever, just unexpected for this movie.

Major props to Lindsay Seim who had to play “Young Elise” in this movie. Shit, she looked and seemed like Elise, my mind was freaking out about the excellent make up. Well done no name.

Overall, I’d say it is less scary than the first Insidious, and thus technically an inferior film. Other parts were better overall as the the universe was expanded. The ending was stupid though. Fuck that ending.

2 out of 4.

Magic Magic. I like magic. I hope this movie is about magic.

You know, I sometimes watch movies just because there is magic in the title. That is why I watched Magic Mike, obviously. So this has double the magic, which is why I doubly chose to watch this movie.

But in all honesty, you know I am actually watching it for this creepy mother fucker right here.

Chile is a strange place, and that is what Magic Magic has really taught me.

Alicia (Juno Temple) is a young woman traveling to Chile with her cousin Sara (Emily Browning) who she hasn’t seen in some time. Alicia isn’t from the area, but Sara is going to school there, and even has a boyfriend, Agustin (Agustin Silva).

Well, as soon as they set off on a mini vacation to a cool house on a lake, Sara has to leave. She apparently has a test that she has to take, or she will fail the class. Bad timing. Alicia wants to stay with Sara, because she doesn’t know any of these people, but they all convince her to come along and it will be fun. Sure.

Alicia does not have a fun time. She drops Barbara’s (Catalina Sandino Moreno) bag in the water early on, so Barbara might dislike her. Brink (Michael Cera) keeps hitting on her, but she thinks he is a sadist.

Basically, everyone is out to get Alicia, and she doesn’t feel like they are the best sorts of people. And her friend has abandoned her! For more than a day like she promised. What the hell Sara. THESE PEOPLE MIGHT TRY TO KILL HER. AND YOU ARE GONE. FOR FUCKS SAKE SARA.

NO. FUCK SARA AND AGUSTIN AND BARABARA AND BRINK. ESPECIALLY BRINK. HE IS PROBABLY A RAPIST. NO DEFINITELY A RAPIST.

Look at him, staring into her back like that.

Sorry, I went a little bit off the edge there at the end of that plot outline.

Kind of like how Sara starts freaking out. First small gradual freak outs, but over time, full on freak out mode. See, I modeled it after the movie, you’re welcome.

This movie is pretty weird, and it really doesn’t have magic in it, and definitely not two forms of magic. Allegedly psychology classes watch it to try and determine what is wrong with Sara, but I doubt that. This movie literally came out mid August, 2013, so as of now, they can’t possibly have that info to back it up. Wikipedia is lying.

I think the acting from Juno Temple and Michael Cera here are incredible. Cera is creepy while also maintaining a nice guy attitude towards things, while Temple feels like her life is crumbling away from her. She is only on vacation for like three or four days, to give the movie even more context.

The ending was surprising, but if you pay enough attention to the details, you can see how and why it happened. However, it still felt a bit cut off and left unfinished by the end, bugging me pretty hardcore. There is also a lot of Spanish in this movie, but no subtitles, so maybe it is meant for the viewers to relate better to Sara throughout, in an unfamiliar area.

Overall, it is just okay, and would be best seen for the pretty good acting. The plot and ending could have been a bit better.

2 out of 4.

Heh. The Hole.

Heh heh heh.

Heh.

Oh. This isn’t that funny anymore.

Dane (Chris Massoglia), Lucas (Nathan Gamble) and their mom (Teri Polo) are moving to another new home, in another non descript good old fashioned US City.

The kids find a hole in they’re basement. It is deep. It is dark. So dark. Oh well.

Eventually they start seeing weird things happen. You know, a puppet moves around on its own. They see a tiny (dead?) girl creeping around the house and going into the hole. Just a lot of weird things. They also introduce their neighbor, Julie (Haley Bennett), to the hole, and it goes okay.

After talking to Creepy Carl (Bruce Dern) who lives down the street, he claims the hole as existed since the first fear existed. That’s right, it may be a funnel to hell, but it scares you with your greatest fears, and manifests them into a real entity that can hurt you. Shit. And these fuckers had to go and open it, dooming everyone.

“Yep, that’s a hole.”

The only reason I decided to watch The Hole is because it was directed by Joe Dante, who brought us Gremlins and Small Soldiers, both scaryish films but decent for kids in their own ways. I like them both, and nostalgia aside, I think they are both rewatchable many years later. So I was hoping this movie would be similar to them in nature.

Well, I don’t think The Hole is really similar to them at all. Sad but true.

It goes for a horror-esque element, but nothing felt terrifying, just hokey. Hell, Small Soldiers still kind of frightens me when I watch it. This one is just lacking any of the same humor level and fear. It is just some kids being kids. Not an exciting topic for this adult.

This story reminded me of another horror movie I saw in my youth. The Gate. In The Gate, a group of kids find a hole in their backyard, not their basement, and it leads to hell. Demons come out, scary shit. I remember it vaguely, I remember it terrified me, even though it was PG-13 and I was the appropriate age. I can’t imagine anyone finding this one scary. So yeah, a very similar story. Not too original Joe Dante.

Shit. The Gate had a young Stephen Dorff in it. Very surprising, he grew up to be famous! I wonder if any of these kids will matter in 10 years. (Probably not).

1 out of 4.

Remember Me?

What have YOU done lately for me to remember, huh? Okay, one of you I guess was in Lost awhile ago. Went all crazy, had a baby. Then had some small pointless role in Once Upon A Time. So I can only really remember you from TV shows.

The other one? Well, you were just in Cosmopolis, and who knows what happened in that movie. You also gave Water To Elephants and kind of went passive Vampire for five movies.

Seriously. Not much to remember.

Oh wait. No. I will always remember you, Cedric Diggory.

The movie begins in 1991. A little girl, and her mom, waiting for a train in NYC. Muggers. Mom gets shot. Daughter is sad. Her dad was on the job, and could not save them.

FLASHFORWARD TEN YEARS LATER.

Ally Craig (Emilie de Ravin) is still living with her dad, Neil (Chris Cooper), who has been a NYC cop this whole time. There is some guilt there, I bet.

Meanwhile, at a different part of town, Tyler (Robert Pattinson) has moved out of his parents home. His parents are divorced. His dad, Charles (Pierce Brosnan), works in some really big building/workplace in NYC, is super rich, but has no time for his family. That is why he and the mom (Ruby Jerins, who really isn’t in this movie much), got divorced. Also, because one of their sons ended up killing themselves. Eek. Now Charles is ignoring his youngest child, a daughter, and it really pisses off Tyler.

Two attractive people in broken homes in 2001. Of course they meet each other. Well, only because Tyler gets arrested by Neil, over a silly dispute. Tyler and his friend hate Neil now, so the friend finds out he has a daughter. So Tyler should totally go out with her, sex her up, and break her heart. That will show that lame cop. Yeah. Yeah.

But love, though. Love.

See? Love.

I reviewed this movie on purpose today, and I think I left enough hints. So if you missed them, you probably were skim reading and not paying attention to details. Probably not even a scientist! Either way, by now, you might realize something that happens in this film.

In fact, that something is basically the ending. Like a secret twist, that they were hinting at throughout.

Overall? I thought it was kind of lame, the ending. The event happens, they decide to not show any of it, and then we flash forward a year or so, to watch how all of the characters lives have changed in the meantime. It felt almost like a copout to me. I wanted more, damn it.

The rest of the film before hand I didn’t think was that bad. Sure, I didn’t feel too sorry for either characters situation. Neither actor really fit the role they were given, in my mind, so it was hard to believe.

But I did like the acting. Actually, I thought Robert Pattinson did incredible in this movie. Better acting from him than any other movie I have seen him in, and I have now seen NINE of them. Nine fucking movies with Robert Pattinson, holy shit. This is his top one. I think he had top notch emotions and really felt his anger over his father and family, despite not believing his role on its own.

Yeah, I don’t get it either. So unfortunately, despite his great acting, I probably will not remember him for this movie, because his other roles are just too gosh darn famous. But I’d say overall, it is okay on its own, if not a little bit slow. Sorry for ruining the ending. But not really.

2 out of 4.

Watching random horror films is almost my go to now. Since I am so far behind, I look for one with a shitty or silly cover, and just go for it.

Smiley? That shit creeped me out. Dude has some sort of skin face, with eyes and a smile face stitched in, no real other features.

What is more surprising, regardless, is that the director of this film is Michael J. Gallagher, who you haven’t heard of. Why? Because as of Sept 1, 2013, he is only 24 years old, directing Smiley when he was 22/23. He has been directing shorts and other things since 2005, when he was 16, so the dude knows what he wants. It is just strange to see a movie at all directed by someone younger than 40, more or less. Kevin Smith directed Clerks when he was only 24, and look what happened to him. Can this guy be the next K. Smith?

That smile is like, mocking me. Go away creeper.

Trololololololol.

This movie takes place in a super modern world, where teenagers and college kids actually know about the internet. They have 4chan, Reddit, Anonymous hacker group and all of that shit. They also have a strange version of Chat Roulette. Okay, it is identical yo Chat Roulette minus the name. However, there is an urban legend going around that there is a dark entity that can kill people over video chat if you summon him.

“HOW DO YOU SUMMON HIM?” you ask, quite loudly. Well, you just have to type in the magic phrase three times.

“WHAT IS THE MAGIC PHRASE?” stop yelling.

I did it for the lulz.
I did it for the lulz.
I did it for the lulz.

Yeah. I am serious, this is true for the movie. You also have to want the person to die, it won’t work if you don’t believe. But when some college kids start testing its limits, they begin to freak out when they realize that Smiley knows what they look like, as he can see them through the other webcam. What if, after he kills for you, he eventually comes for you?

Starring Caitlin Gerard as our heroine, Melanie Papalia, Shane Dawson, and Andrew James Allen as other college kids, Keith David and Toby Turner as cops, and Roger Bart as an ethics professor.

Wait. Roger Bart? That dude. He was the singing voice of Young Hercules in Hercules. Weird as fuck.

I did your mom for the lulz.

Smiley is beyond ridiculous. You can tell from my description I hope. A young director does mean we get to see a movie about things that teens and college people know about today, so that was interesting.

The ending featured a twist I can say I didn’t see coming, but I loved, even if it didn’t really make sense. What they were trying to get at was pretty cool, and the implications of it in the real world can be felt. Sorry, trying to not give away the twist, but I am just sounding like a Vague Valerie.

Shit, just watch it maybe. Or let me spoil it for you. Or look it up. Either way, kind of a shitty movie, but it was a bit entertaining.

2 out of 4.

Vin Diesel is living out every stereotypical nerds dream. Most people know by now that he loves roleplaying. No, not just acting in a movie, but pen, paper, and dice. Heck, he wrote the forward to a book celebrating 30 years of Dungeons & Dragons. So the Riddick character is basically living out his childhood fantasies, with him as the star, and kicking major butt the entire time.

The movie Riddick, follows Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick, while switching genres once again. The first film was Sci-Fi Horror, the second film was Sci-Fi Action Adventure, and this new film is Sci-Fi Action Thriller. Basically a cross breed.

This third project was over nine years in the making, and has gone through financial woes and rewrite after rewrite. Diesel had to put up millions of his own money just to keep filming when the cash ran out and also leveraged his own house. Let’s just say, he really loves the Riddick character, and is willing to put all of his eggs in one basket.

“Take these shackles off my feet so I can dance.“

Another day, another fight for survival.

Riddick (Diesel) finds himself trapped again on a desolate and unforgiving planet, stranded and alone. Left for dead, the Necromongers betrayed their new leader after the events of the second film, and Riddick has no idea how he is going to get off the world. He soon learns to adapt on this new planet, figuring out the meanest creatures and their weaknesses, while also taking in a pet of his own.

But a storm is on the horizon. A literal storm, I mean. It is slow moving, but the water appears to awaken a force buried in the ground, one that he cannot survive on his own.

So he decides to lay a trap. He lets the universe know where he is hiding, so he can ambush the crew and take a ship before it is too late. However, two bounty ships appear, both with very different motives behind them. One ship is lead by Santana (Jordi Molla) with six men (including Dave Bautista), looking for the bounty. The other crew is lead by Johns (Matt Nable) and second in command Dahl (Katee Sackoff), and they are looking for answers.

Dude. Who gave him a cape?

The Riddick movie has two main acts associated with it. The first is his survival on a new planet, with little dialogue (but some voice over). It moves at a slow pace to really make us feel for his character. The second act introduces a variety of characters who bring with them guns, dialogue, and opposite motives for capturing Riddick.

Although the film attempts to give a few of them personalities, the only two bounty hunters who end up standing out are the leaders from both sides. I did get some chuckles out of Bautista, but I knew that was his sole purpose in the film.

I’d say I liked the first half a lot more than the second half. They took their time with combat and death felt like it was actually possible. The action became choppier and less scary when they introduce darkness and guns. Strange, I know. They probably had to rush filming the ending, along with the budget concerns, so that must be to blame.

On its own, I found the movie possibly more entertaining than the other two films in the franchise, but there is one drastic problem with it that cannot be overlooked, and something I don’t think I have harped on before.

Riddick has so much rampant sexism in it, that I almost got sick during the actual movie. That’s right, the excessive gore didn’t sicken me, just the Riddick-ulous amount of sexism.

There is only one woman character in the film who is given a name, and her name is Dahl. You might have realized on your own that it is pronounced just like Doll. I’d say over 90% of the lines said by her, or said to her, are sexual in nature. Literally, the character exists merely as a sex object. Sure, she is able to hold her own in combat, but she is also the only character to be given a small (and surprising) shower scene. With only one topic coming out of her mouth, it is hard to take any part of her role in the film seriously.

Her character also is a lesbian, because that is apparently the only reason she would be a mercenary and always talk about sex. However, it turns out her sexual orientation is no match for Riddick’s charm (And hornyness after being on a planet alone for a few years). Who does Vin Diesel think he is, Ben Affleck? (Affleck “turned a lesbian straight” in two films, Chasing Amy and Gigli).

I think if her character was more than some strange sexual fantasy, this movie could have been a lot better. The “brown filter” I thought would annoy me, but I was able to get over it. The not so amazing CGI I thought would annoy me, but I got over it. The rushed second half and treatment of women I really just can’t forgive or ignore.

 

2 out of 4.

Empire State‘s cover looks like your generic action movie with no substance. Maybe that is why it went straight to DVD?

That’s not nice. I know plenty of straight to DVD movies I have enjoyed watching. I have nothing else exciting to say before the plot outline. 🙁

I will note that only one of these two gents made it to the DVD cover. Behold, the two main stars.

Chris Potamitis (Liam Hemsworth) wants to do good in his life. He really does. But life just keeps screwing him over. His dad gets canned after a long career, and the bills are piling up. He wants to be a cop, but he fails that test because he was arrested a few years ago for pot at a concert with his friend, Eddie (Michael Angarano). Shit. A one time mistake, and it has cost him.

So instead he is able to get a job at the Empire State Armored Truck Company. Kind of like being a cop. He gets a gun and a uniform at least. He just drives around collecting and storing money. Turns out, this company is chill as shit. No one cares, it is very slack. They don’t even count the money at the end of the day, they just stack them on crates between transfers. He is pretty sure people are skimming money off the top. The security cameras don’t even face the money!

Maybe he should take some money. The company itself is pretty scummy as well…

Dwayne Johnson plays a cop who is sent as the lead investigator for the post robbery. Emma Roberts isn’t really in this movie at all. She is like, a sister, or something, and in two small scenes maybe. Yet full cover treatment. Gotta love that stuff.

No. Fuck that. That is stupid. The cover shows Hemsworth, The Rock, and Roberts on the cover. They don’t show Angarano, the other male lead. They show Emma Roberts and she isn’t really in the movie. She has top billing on IMDB, and Michael Angarano has sixth. They put two other random people over him too. What the fucking fuck?

Shit, even the Rock barely looks like himself in this movie. Hiding in plain sight?

This sack of shit is based on a true story. Biggest cash heist in American history or something. Wasn’t really successful, because obviously they eventually got caught.

Somehow, they were able to take this story and give us one of the most boring action movies I have seen in recent memory. I know, I say action movies are boring a lot. But this one barely had any action in it at all. Everything after they took the money just had me falling asleep. Oh no, cops and mob people are mad at them. Oh well.

Watching Liam Hemsworth get beat up a lot I guess sort of redeemed it. A little bit.

But this film had scummy advertising, bad plot and action, and just overall felt very insulting to call it a movie. Sure, it was a movie. But barely.

0 out of 4.

I don’t even remember why I first heard about Vamps. I think I heard it coming out to theaters, it never did, I was “sad”, then I moved on with my life as a normal human being.

But after watching Vamp U, I was trying to think of other shitty vampire movies. Holy crap, there is a lot of shitty vampire movie. Not even counting the Twilight Parodies, like Vampires Suck.

Thankfully I remembered it existed, and was able to rent it for like, a quarter or something. No one gave a fuck about this movie. I got the title though. Presumably, it is supposed to make you think of the word Tramps. If not, whoops, I am an asshole.

Well, you know. If the shoe fits.

Goody (Alicia Silverstone) and Stacy (Krysten Ritter) are two vampires living the high life in New York City. They love going tot he clubs, and spending their nights living it up. Why not, they are both roughly 20 year old girls, just looking for fun?

Well, Goody was bit in the 1800s by Cisserus (Sigourney Weaver), who later bite Stacy in the late 1980s. Big difference. But Goody doesn’t want it to be weird, so doesn’t tell Stacy that fact. They consider themselves to be ELFs, or Eternal Life Forms, vampire is tacky. They also don’t feed on human blood, it is not pleasant. Rat blood will do.

Goody gets worried when she finds out that if their creator ever dies, then they will revert back to their real age. Not a big deal for Stacy, but for Goody, that would end her life. Shit. This only matters because a Dr. Van Helsing (Wallace Shawn) is in town specifically to look for Cisserus. Shit.

To make matters worse, Stacy has fallen in love with a guy in her night class, Joey. JOEY VAN HELSING (Dan Stevens). He also may have made her pregnant. I won’t go into that.

Malcolm McDowell and Justin Kirk also play some pretty important vampires. Richard Lewis plays an ex lover of Goody’s from the 1960s who has returned into her life. Extra weird.

“Night, bitch. Let’s get some sausage. Blood sausage. And penis.”

Huh, this was directed and written by Amy Heckerling who brought us Clueless. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. That explains Silverstone and Shawn in the film, I guess.

I will say that the movie got better as time went on, up until the end. The beginning was shit right off the back, but eventually it found its footing. It is a shame the ending was just super tacky and not really exciting in any way.

The film is meant to be comedic, but everything basically falls flat. They go for the easy puns and small references, but nothing is able to stick.

Finally, the acting is just ugh. Ugh and a half. I strive for descriptive descriptions here. Krysten Ritter might be one of the worst actresses out there today. Stop giving her roles. They are bad.

Join me next week, when I somehow find another shitty vampire movie to get disgruntled over.

1 out of 4.

A ha, my first review of a movie that has been guest reviewed! Here I am, following up someone else’s opinion, on my website. Not even mad. I try not to read opinions about film before I write my own, so obviously, my review of The Iceman breaks that creed unfortunately. If you want to read their review of The Iceman, click that link I just linked.

The flipped across the vertical line version of this picture exists on the internet. I…I don’t know which one is real.

The Iceman tells the true story of Richard Kuklinski (Michael Shannon), a famed Polish man who killed over 100 men as a contract killer in NYC. He was arrested in 1986, much to the surprise of his friends and family who did not know he was leading a double life for so many years to provide for his loved ones. Well, not his brother (Stephen Dorff), he was a dick and in prison already. For killing a man. What a criminal.

Of course, he didn’t start as a contract killer. He had a small time job, and came from humble beginnings. He met his future wife (Winona Ryder), and somehow charmed her into marriage, and had two kids. But when he accidentally fails the wrong customer, Roy Demeo (Ray Liotta), he has to repay a debt and does so through a nice assassination or two, which come with nice bonuses.

Eventually, his lives start to collide, as he is forced to work with a rival contract killer, Mr. Freezy (Chris Evans), and work amongst all the mob bosses in the city. The film begins and ends with his confession on the witness stand, and a whole shit ton of remorse. Kind of. Also, James Franco plays a small role who totally dies, and David Schwimmer awkwardly a mob man, and he freaks me out.

The Iceman Cream.

Michael Shannon has been a good actor for sometime. He was arguably the best parts of Man of Steel and Premium Rush, so it is nice to see him again in a leading role like this one. He knocked it out of the park, going completely in character, and nothing like his other recent roles. Dude knows how to act, yo.

In the early 90s, HBO released a documentary on the subject, called The Iceman Tapes: Conversations with a Killer, with actual dialogue with Richard. Presumably this fictionalized version was made to tell the twisted story after his death in 2005. I haven’t seen it, but I think it is on youtube, and I really kind of want to now.

A lot of the assassinations they show are generally really well done, with lots of planing/details gone in to making sure they are perfect.

By basing this movie on a true story, it adds an extra layer of chill as you watch it, knowing that it isn’t just another mob movie starring Ray Liotta. The ending is especially the most chilling aspect of the film, his final courtroom plead and communication with his family. You felt sorry for the guy, even though he killed hundreds of people. Shit, that is rough.

Definitely a movie I’d recommend as well. Even if you have to see David Schwimmer’s goofy face.

3 out of 4.

Arguably, this has been a great summer for Ethan Hawke.

In a few weeks, he was seen in two completely different movies. The first was The Purge, which doubled its budget in earnings and was a surprise early horror hit. The second was Before Midnight, the end of an eighteen year long trilogy, which featured some of the best acting I have seen all year. If that one isn’t nominated for awards, I will burn something.

I’d like to think he got greedy though. Why not add an action movie, Getaway, to his summer releases? Then the only thing he is missing is a comedy! This is what happens when you fly too close to the sun, Ethan. Tisk tisk.

Tisk motherfucking tisk. The movie starts right away with our “hero” walking into a home in complete disarray. The Christmas tree is in shambles! Brent (Hawke) receives a phone call from an unknown number on his wife’s phone (Rebecca Budig), who of course is now missing.

The phoneman tells him to steal a modified Shelby Mustang Super Snake (cool name car, I will admit) and await further instructions. If he gets caught by the police, his wife will die. If he disobeys his instructions, his wife will die. Basically, Brent is The Voice’s (Jon Voight) slave now.

During his tasks, The Girl (Selena Gomez) tries to steal the car from him with a gun! No, she isn’t actually playing a thug from the streets, like the trailer implies. She is just a rich girl, who also is really good at technology, and claims the car belongs to her. Brent has to keep her in the car, to help with the tasks at hand. Or at least, that is what The Voice tells him. Can this former NASCAR driver turned regular Joe Schmo save his wife? CAN HE!?

The exact moment in the trailer when you knew this movie would suck. Never before has it been so easily captured!I will try to be fair and start with the positives of this pile of excrement.

If anything, you can argue that this film offers nonstop action. As an action movie, that is something most can only dream about.

Unfortunately, that level of action is also one of the weakest aspects of Getaway. Car chases and crashes are fine, but to amp up the action, the director, Courtney Soloman, decided to try out a thousand different camera angles.

We have views of faces, of the car, from above, from the clutch, from the breaks, from security cameras, from the cameras in the car. Flash flash flash flash. This movie may induce seizures with how fast the camera angle changes constantly. I can tell you I developed a headache watching this movie, and one of the main reasons is the constant ADHD feeling of the camera.

Honestly, we only need to see him slam down on his break and change gears so many times during a single movie, not every single time he does it.

The other headache inducing parts of the film have to come from the very weak plot and acting. I am not saying Gomez and Hawke are bad at acting normally, just they are in this movie. It can only be blamed on the script and directing. I won’t even talk about the plot, it is just so unimportant and silly.

The ending leaves a lot to be desired as well. It technically gives us some sort of closure, while also kind of feeling like a kick in the metaphorical nuts.

Courtney Soloman has only directed two other movies. I haven’t seen An American Haunting, so I cannot comment on it, but thirteen years ago he directed Dungeons & Dragons which was a slap in the face for an entire culture with its level of badness. It is sad to see that after thirteen years, he has might have actually regressed in his directorial abilities.

0 out of 4.