Category: Uncategorized

I don’t think I am ready for this Jelly.

When I first heard about Jupiter Ascending, I was a bit worried. It seemed too far out there, with questionable stars, and a questionable plot. But hey, summer blockbuster, whatever.

JUST KIDDING. It got switched from June to July. But in June, it got pushed back to FEBRURARY 2015. Whoa! That is intense. Blockbusters don’t exist in February. Shitty terrible CGI movies exist in February. This one is going to have a lot of CGI! Ahh!

Apparently it was to finish special effects. They were behind schedule. Right. More likely they moved it back for some terrible reason, like, no faith that it would make money and they just wanted to hide it. Not to mention their awkward Sundance story, they have everything working against them.

The real reason they moved it back was to not ruin Redmayne‘s chance at an acting Oscar.

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) always thought she was going to do something with her life. But now she is a grown woman, still living with her mom and extended family in Chicago, technically illegal aliens from Russia. She scrubs toilets and dreams of the big life.

And then, aliens from not Earth are trying to kill her! Oh shit!

Here’s what you need to know. There is some space royalty out there. And the mother, the main ruler just died so her kids have inherited a lot of the universe. The oldest, Balem (Eddie Redmayne), the middle female, Kalique (Tuppence Middleton), and the youngest, Titus (Douglas Booth). They are humans, they have been alive for thousands of years, and they look young as fuck.

But now Balem has “control” over Earth (and Jupiter, I guess). And he wants Jupiter Jones, specifically, dead. And maybe the rest of the earth. Jupiter has no idea what is going on, just that aliens are real, Caine (Channing Tatum) has weird ears and keeps saving her, and shit’s crazy.

Also featuring Sean Bean, lizard men soldiers, crazy visuals, pew pew pews, bees, and more pew pew pews.

And the coolest (technically still slow) form of transportation sense the hover board.

Jupiter Ascending was weird. And I really can’t tell if that is a good weird or a bad weird.

Easy enough of a solution, let’s get my pros and cons on.

Pros: There is a unique story behind everything. Some of the special effects are really polished and amazing. Sean Bean is in it. Channing Tatum isn’t terrible. Mila Kunis isn’t terrible. The lizard dudes out of no where are pretty well made and bamf. Roller skating/gravity boots. Bureaucracy. And it is definitely more polished than a shitty January/February CGI movie release.

Cons: The entire romance plot feels forced. Some of the special effects are piss poor and terrible. The sound quality in some scenes make a few actors hard to understand (Bean, Redmayne, occasional lizardman). Entire movie feels rushed, like it was actually supposed to be thirty minutes longer. Like some executive said “Fuck this rescue scene. We know they will save em. Let’s just get the plot going!”

And then there is Eddie Redmayne. Every time he was on screen, my head was tilted just trying to get it. Everything about him is just so weird. His character has an awkawrd soft/whisper voice for most of the film, outside of the three or four times he yells completely out of nowhere. Also tons of quick cuts.

Ugh. But also the story was interesting and I cared about what happened.

There are a lot of things wrong with Jupiter Ascending. Acting decisions, editing, cuts, kind of lame ending. But also some really great action scenes, cool visuals, and interesting universe.

Fuck.

I am definitely really late getting to see Dear White People. Hell, I didn’t even know what kind of movie it was going in to it. I literally thought this was a documentary.

Well, despite being a real movie and not a documentary, it took me too long to see it because clearly this movie was made for me. As a white person, having this title means that it is like a letter to me and other white people. That’s good. Gives me something to relate to right off the back.

Basically, this is almost the exact opposite of For Colored Girls.

If they think that review is terrible, they should see my review for Jane Eyre!

Dear White People takes place at an IVY league school that is undergoing some change. There are specific houses that individuals can live in and some have developed themes. Some are party houses, some are for business type folks, and then there is the Armstrong/Parker house, predominantly black.

The administration (Peter Syvertsen) wants to make houses a random process and mess up these themes to induce diversity throughout their mostly white campus. Sam White (Tessa Thompson) believes it is just an attempt to quell the social rustlings of the black students, making it harder for them to organize and protest. Sam also runs a radio show called Dear White People, calling out race issues along with appropriate music, and wrote her own book. She is pretty good at race issues.

She surprisingly wins the election for House Head against her ex Troy Fairbanks (Brandon P Bell), son of the dean (Dennis Haysbert). The elitist type.

Our other main characters are Lionel Higgins (Tyler James Williams), a gay black man journalist/writer who doesn’t feel like he belongs to any group, Coco Conners (Teyonah Parris), a student video blogger who is willing to create drama to rise to the starlight, and Kurt Fletcher (Kyle Gallner), son of the President who feels untouchable and organizes the hip-hop/blackface party.

Also featuring Brittany Curran, Marque Richardson, Malcolm Barrett, and Justin Dobies.

I found him. I found the white person!

Dear White People is an increasingly rarer satire comedy drama. Although the film is clearly fictionalized, it is inspired by actual parties around the united states and actual discrimination that people go through. It presents a lot of good arguments, including lots of social science theory at almost every opportunity. It also showcases clear examples of how the world works in the film.

But also, also, it makes it very clear this is a complicated issue with no clear solution. The entire world is not just black and white (heh). Every person is different with different experiences and what they think and say in public might not reflect their actual feelings. Sometimes people do what they are expected to do.

As for the acting, Tessa Thompson does a great job carrying this movie. She was very believable in her role and is clearly knowledgeable on the talking points. The other lead, Tyler James Williams? Well shit, his fro was so distracting I couldn’t even recognize him as the best part of the short lived Go On. His journey in this movie is the most interesting, followed closely behind Tessa’s, but more importantly is that they are both different and very realistic.

The only thing I could really want more out of this movie is even more issues brought up, or even more perspectives thrown into the mix. But hey, they might need material for a sequel.

Besides wanting to watch every movie ever, I have other goals too. Like you know, movies nominated for Oscars. Wild wasn’t given best picture nominations, but it did get honors for Best Actress and Supporting Actress! Yay, woman power!

The reason it took me so long to see it is because the pre-screening was during my honeymoon. Not much you can do about that!

I had to hit this one in theaters before it left though, before we get an even bigger onslaught of shitty January movies.

“I’m not sure which way to go, but let’s just pick the left path?”

This movie is set back in the mid 1990’s, which really just means that there are no real cell phones. A true story based on a book by the person who did the events, so we know we probably can’t trust it. It is about Cheryl Strayed (Reese Witherspoon), who wants to hike the Pacific Crest Trail, or the PCT as the locals call it. If we call it the PCT too, they will know we are cool and in.

I don’t know a lot about West Coast things, but the trail itself is over 2,500 mi long and mountainous. But Cheryl wants to hike it and hike it all. ALONE. As a woman! Bananas!

Why? Well, she needs to clear her mind and she thinks this is the best way to do it. She has had some shit happen in her life, and the whole point of this movie is to find out what!

I can say her ex husband is played by Thomas Sadoski, which gives some hints, and Laura Dern as her mother.

“No, in retrospect, I think the right is the best path.”

This movie could almost be classified as a thriller! That is a joke obviously, but there were some scary and intense moments along her height. Not wild boars, or bears, or poisonous flowers, but people. People are the scariest of entity, and again, I felt scared when she felt scared due to her being a woman alone. Now, I am not saying I completely understand the very real fear people can have about getting raped or taking advantage of, I just thought they did a good job of showcasing that fear.

And now I feel uncomfortable.

Reese did pretty good in this movie. Way better than her role in The Good Lie. Glad to see her in the spotlight again because I honestly couldn’t remember the last movie I saw her in before those last two. Lara Dern did a pretty good job too, and her role is definitely the definition of a supporting actress. I just don’t think it was one too special by the end of the day.

A decent movie telling an okay story. Well acted and it keeps it interesting through its flash backs. I definitely was surprised by a few things.

I have a good feeling a lot of you have not heard of the movie Project Almanac. But maybe, just maybe, some of you have heard of the movie Welcome To Yesterday.

Welcome To Yesterday was going to be released the end of February, 2014. I remember that month, because my local theater continued to be inept with their new releases. Despite three-ish movies coming out each week, we kept only getting like one of them. It made me mad. I was actually interested in watching Welcome To Yesterday.

So I figured I would wait to see it on DVD then forgot about it. I did think about it again finally a few weeks ago, and then I saw Project Almanac. Sure enough, it was the same exact movie, just with a different title and delayed about 11 months. What in tarnation! Just give me my shitty Michael Bay produced teen time travel movie, damn it.

Unless its release date accidentally time traveled to the future. Then it makes sense.

Technically high school kids could be smart. Like David (Jonny Weston Of Chasing Mavericks fame, ugh). He invented some tech, trying to get into MIT.

He gets in! But they don’t give him any in scholarship, just $5000. He needs like, $40000 more at least. But his family isn’t making a lot of money anymore after their dad died when he was 7. They might have to sell the house.

Unless David could find a new project to work on and quick to win a different scholarship. His dad was also smart, so maybe he has some blue prints. With his sister (Virginia Gardner), they find a video camera of his 7th birthday party. But David sees himself in the mirror in that video. But like, his current 17 year older self, not kid version.

What was his dad working on?! (Time machine stuff). Oh shit. Can it be real? (Yes!). Can they do it? (Probably!). Will there be repercussions? (Come on).

Also featuring Sofia Black-D’Elia as out of his league love interest, Allen Evangelista as other smart (younger?) friend, and Sam Lerner as dumber friend.

The sisters role is made to hold the camera and occasionally show cleavage on camera.

I really want to know why this film was delayed for 11 months. End of Feb 2014 wasn’t a strong area for film, so there is no reason to leave for competition. After watching the movie, I went back and watched the original trailer for Welcome To Yesterday, and all of the scenes in the trailer were in the movie. All of the characters the same, even the same major plot points.

I have no fucking clue what is different and it makes me feel like I am taking crazy pills. Apparently Michael Bay wanted to tinker with it? And he took that long? Jeez man. If anything I thought you were a quicker guy. I won’t even believe it had anything to do with your other two produced movies coming out last summer. Psha.

Anyways. This is a time travel movie. The hand camera does not detract from that fact, it is completely fine, get over it haters. The acting is okay, typical of what high school kids in that situation might react. I am happy that two of them are pretty smart too, because yay brains.

However, because it is a time travel movie, it can get really messy, and I think the end gets completely fuddled. The time travel physics that they brought in somehow get broken, and from that it makes not a lot of sense by the end. Booo. It also attempts some of the morally shitty areas that make the movie super uncomfortable and rapey, something which About Time did a good job of avoiding.

Movie could have been shorter too, definitely. The concert scene dragged on and on and on. Although there were some quite amusing moments too in their shenanigans. But hey, decent job.

It is a hard goal, but I figure I should also check out the best documentary nominees. I was really hoping that I would have seen a few of them before they were nominated, but apparently the ones I thought looked interesting weren’t good enough.

I really should have seen Virunga, because it was a Netflix documentary and has been made available for awhile. My bad. Either way, I can totally get these documentaries done ahead of time, I think.

Virunga! It is about the Congo! The only stuff I know about the Congo are from the movie, Congo, and apparently it grossly misrepresents what is going on over there.

Kind of. Because there is a big military presence ever. And there are definitely gorillas, which is really the point of this documentary in the first place.

Well, the love between a man and his gorilla.

Virunga is a national park in Congo. The gorilla there only lives there and is being hunted. They want to protect them and the land from being messed up like the rest of the Congo. But also, we have an oil company there who wants to determine if there is oil under the large lake and in the area. They aren’t allowed to drill there or extract anything, but they just want to “see”.

Apparently they might be doing more than that, too. Secret meetings, bribes, and mercenaries and fighters. Oh boy.

Virunga at points plays out like an action movie, as they had people recording the events happening right before people would get attacked or fights would break out. It was definitely a bit scary and intense. I was also really impressed by all the moving parts. A lot of different sources of information, from park rangers, to journalists, to everyone in between. They really branched out with their work.

I think what is best about this documentary is that it is set in the NOW. This type of stuff is happening, here are recent events, and we should be outraged about it. I would be, but I can’t muster it up. But I know I should be which is even more important. Great source of information coming from many different angles, and not very biased. Nice.

Fineeee. I will fucking write this review.

Sometimes it is hard to just get the passion or desire to write a review, even if it has been sitting blank on your draft board for weeks. Weeks! Sometimes the only decision you have made is the rating and pictures but no idea what to talk about or how short or long it will be.

But here we are. Taken 3. The film Liam Neeson said he wouldn’t do, I think, then they offered him like $20 million dollars, so here we are. Taken 3. The follow up to Taken 2, that was terrible, given the unique feel and interesting film that was Taken.

Okay sure, Taken might be bad now too. But it isn’t bad as Taken 2. And when good movies go bad and then get another bad sequel? It feels like the Men In Black series, but thankfully this one didn’t wait a decade for an even older action star.

If he gets any older he won’t be able to hold a gun straight.

Instead of being located half way around the world, Taken 3 is set in LA, California. You know, where they live. Bryan Mills (Neeson) is still divorced from his wife (Famke Janssen), and still has an awkward relationship with his daughter.

His daughter Kim (Maggie Grace), who is college or high school right now. She definitely lives on her own or with her boyfriend. And she is pregnant. But it is almost her birthday so Bryan wants to surprise her with alcohol. Jokes on you, Bryan!

Anyways, ex-wife is having relationship problems with her husband (Dougray Scott), kind of wants Bryan back, so does Bryan. Next thing he knows, she is dead in his bed and the police are chasing after him for murder!

Something involving Russians (Sam Spruell), deals gone bad, blackmail, and money. No idea. This guy wasn’t in any other Taken movies, so it is even more unrelated than the other two. Also starring Forest Whitaker as a detective to be on the case, and find the “truth”.

The truth, like why is Bryan Mills smuggling a Panda out of China?

As you all know, I have begun a tirade against Luc Besson, and this movie is no different. Fuck everything he touches. I have never been so angry at a single person’s years of work, but there it is.

This might be the only Besson movie that doesn’t have a lot of events taking place in Europe. Instead we have a guy running around LA, getting chased by cops, destroying public property, killing “bad guys”, and doing a whole lot of crimes, just to clear his name. When he can JUST as easily have not run from the cops, and solved the whole thing much quicker.

We got a terrible plot, with terrible plot twists, and a whole lot LESS action than previous movies. At least before he was killing people who were bad guys doing bad things. Most of this movie is him avoiding the cops and fucking with them.

I think maybe three times he survived some sort of car crash. One time the car went off a cliff and exploded, out of nowhere, it was ridiculous. That is like a bad 80’s action movie. I mentioned confusion as to where his daughter went to school, because everything seemed to imply college, but when we got there it was clearly a fucking high school. Lockers and all.

And then it ends with the stupidest plane / runway scene I have ever seen. Completely ridiculous. More ridiculous than the ten minute runway in Fast Six.

I am glad this came out the first week of January, because films must be all uphill from here.

Ah yeah, Oscar Season!

As of this posting, I already have all of the Best Picture nominees, most of the Best Acting nominees, and 3/5 of the Best Animated films. But no Documentaries or Foreign Films!

So why did I pick Ida first? Well, this is one of the few nominees already on netflick. A-ha!

How could it be so simple? This one from Poland.

And it features women who hate fun things.

Not a lot of players in this one. The main character, Anna (Agata Trzebuchowska), has lived in a nunnery most of her life. She is about to say her vows though, which I assume is at 18 or 21 or something. But instead of sending her off to experience life, they send her off to her aunt, Wanda (Agata Kulesza), who could never pick her up for whatever reason.

Well, the main reason is that Wanda doesn’t want to be a mom, and that she is a Jewish person living in Poland as a respectful Judge in the community. Anna’s parents were killed, and that is all Anna knows. So she goes to visit with her Aunt and hopefully see her parent’s graves to say good bye for them before taking her vows and giving up earthly pleasures.

Those earthly pleasures which she of course has never experienced or thought about, living in a nunnery that long amount of time. Wanda thinks she should drink and party first, or else her vows mean nothing. But nope. Anna has one goal. Find out about her parents, and live her life alone. How sad, Anna.

Oooh, but there is a boy. Maybe they will do it!

Sigh. I get it, I do.

Ida is a well crafted/beautiful-ish movie. It is in black and white (if you didn’t notice), and the director clearly put a lot of thought into each and every camera placement. You could watch the movie and pause it and think, “Huh, that is a pretty scene” for most of the film.

That is great!

However the story is dull as fuck. The description makes it sound a lot more ominous than it actually is. The story goes basically everywhere I thought it would go, and it goes there slowly.

I haven’t seen every WW2 movie that exists, but even thought it seems to have maybe a different plot, it still just feels the same.

I kind of hated this movie, regardless of beauty. It just dragged on and on, despite not even being that long. So far, I am pretty disappointed with the crop of these foreign films.

Normally when movies get pushed back, I wonder and worry. Sure, sometimes it is as simple as not being able to compete with a bigger movie coming out that same day. Sometimes it is due to a production company not wanting to compete with its own product.

I have no idea why Kingsman: The Secret Service got moved from November 2014 to February 2015. February/January are generally deader months where a lot of shit goes, so it feels like the studio just didn’t think it would be good enough to make it. So they put it at the beginning of the year to hide it.

That is clearly what is going on with Jupiter Ascending, which got pushed out of Summer to February, which means they don’t think it will succeed as a blockbuster.

But this is Kingsman, and the trailer actually looked interesting. Damn it. WHY DID THEY MOVE IT?

I can only hold on to my butts so long in anticipation!

Back in the day, Great Britain decided it needed to protect the world. That is a bit of paraphrasing. Either way, they made a secret service, based on the Knights of the Round Table. Each soldier is incredibly well trained, combat, spy gadgets, code names, Gentleman as FUCK, and lives a thankless life as they can never let their existence be known.

Galahad (Colin Firth) didn’t notice a bomb one time, and one of the new recruits died saving his life. He wanted to help out his family, so he gave them a medallion with a number on it to call if he ever needed help.

Now, seventeen or so years later, Eggsy (Taron Egerton) is in trouble. Sure, he is a smart lad (British terminology), but he has wasted his life living on the streets. His mom never got over his dad’s death and is now dating an alcoholic. He is involved with gangs. He runs from the cops!

And guess what, he needs help. Quite obviously, Galahad thinks he has what it takes. They need a new member as one of their own was slashed down by rich tech billionaire Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson) and his assassin Gazelle (Sofia Boutella).

So you know, training, spy stuff, gadgets, a shit ton of action, and everyone talking super funny.

Also with Jack Davenport as Lancelot, Mark Strong as Merlin, Michael Caine as Arthur, Sophie Cookson as the female main lead/training rival, and Mark Hamill as a professor. I normally wouldn’t even bring him up, but I mean, come on. Mark Hamill.

“I came here to drink tea and give someone a good going over, and the Americans dumped all of my tea.”

Right before the movie started, I found out it was 129 minutes and thought it was way too long. Now that it finished, I found myself only wanting more.

Kingsman is based on a comic by Mark Millar, the same man who wrote Kick-Ass. Hey. Matthew Vaughn, the director, also did Kick-Ass! How quaint! Matthew Vaughn had to leave Days of Future Past to do this movie, and that is fantastic, because it made it so we got two pretty awesome movies instead of maybe two terrible ones. I can’t believe how entertaining Kingsman ended up being. The action was high octane and firing on all cylinders, and the movie built a bigger body count than you would probably expect.

Samuel L. Jackson was in it, and of course he kicked ass as the villain. He had so much personality, I was almost rooting for him by the end. Colin Firth is usually fantastic when he isn’t in a super serious role as well, and I wonder if he backed out of Paddington to build up his R-Rating persona. Another movie with questionable things going on.

I mean. Honestly, the only thing I found super disappointing, was some really awkward stuff that happened at the end. It just felt so forced and childish. It felt like a 13 year old wrote the last minute, almost. It will be very off-putting to people, even if they enjoy it.

Kingsman may be truly the first very entertaining movie of 2015, and it helped kick start my hope for some unique things to come through the pipeline this year.

Left Behind is a serious of movies books that I remember hearing about when I was a kid. They were about The Rapture from the Christian Bible, where those who were judged holy enough got to go to Heaven, and the rest of the yokels on Earth had 7 years of destruction, sadness, whatever, before…I dunno, the apocalypse or something.

It shouldn’t be a big deal, one would imagine. At that point everyone would realize that Jesus was real, and start being super super religious and good. I couldn’t imagine any amount of chaos after like, a week, because people would generally prefer Heaven to Hell.

But it was a successful franchise, it had at least ten books and a couple movies that people enjoyed enough to enter our American conscious. And this…this is about the same thing? Maybe a reboot of some sort? Maybe a one off? Who knows.

Get on the phone and tell me all the information!

The Steele family is going through hard times. The dad, Rayford (Nick Cage), is a pilot and away from a home a lot because of it. A year ago, his wife found Jesus and got super awkward with the rest of her family. The daughter, Chloe (Nicky Whelan) is away from college and not home much. She is now! But her dad had a last minute flight thing, so she figured she’d see him in the airport before going home.

And look at that. He is fucking a flight attendant (Cassi Thomson). He even lied about the flight being last minute as he got concert tickets weeks ago for a concert in their location! He is avoiding the family. Must be from the weird mom.

Anyways, she also meets Buck Williams (Chad Michael Murray), a TV correspondent of something. They hit it off too, and he will spy on her dad when she goes home. OMG RAPTURE. Hey, all the kids are missing and super religious people. Stuff starts to crash, people loot, people freak out.

But more importantly, people take a very very long time to figure out what is going on.

Long enough for a quick fly and fuck though.

I didn’t find out til after watching the film, but not only is this is a reboot of the franchise, but it was done by the same people who did the other Left Behind movies. So hey, they are trying. I guess. At least someone is famous in it!

And let’s talk about how annoying this movie was. Very. First of all, it took too long for the characters on the screen to figure out what was happening. Even the strongest of Atheists would figure it out in a couple of minutes. Honestly. If things like that start to happen, things that are magical in nature, the human being will go to the explanation that can cause everything the simplest way. All of your Christian friends and kids missing kind of feels like a dead give away. They turned the movie into a lot of scene changes whenever someone would exclaim they figure it out, just for them to come back and be wrong. It was totally annoying.

Follow up, the rapture wouldn’t be that bad. After like, a day or two, people would stop looting and doing terrible shit. You know why? Because then there would be a proven God. At that point they know that if they sin they go to Hell, and they have seven years of pious ness or whatever before the final shit goes down. The bad people would be quickly wiped out and hey, everyone would be too scared to do anything outside of the Bible and it would be peaceful.

That is just general thoughts. The second one not really based on this movie, but maybe based on future ones. Either way. Acting in this one was shit, drama was stupid, and the plot felt like a lot of filler. Pass.

The Identical actually came to theaters first week of September, and, from what I can remember, it was the only thing to come out that whole week. Yet I didn’t see it til its DVD Release.

Why? Well. It didn’t have any pre-screenings at all, around the country. Popular movies have pre-screenings. Movies that end up sucking have pre-screenings. But the only thing coming out that week didn’t even think it warranted them? That is a big warning sign if anything. Not letting anyone see the movie before it releases. That means they are afraid of the critics voice or popular opinion fucking up their sales.

That’s really all I knew going into The Identical, outside of its story involving a musician.

And clones. Clearly this involves clones, right?

Back in the 1930s there was something going on called The Dust Bowl. Big storms, droughts, fucked up a lot of farms. Was after the Great Depression too, so that wasn’t a good thing for our economy. As for two unlucky folks (Amanda Crew, Brian Geraghty), they found themselves poor and struggling to get by. And with twins!

So after a long discussion, they decided to instead give away one of the kids to a traveling preacher (Ray Liotta) and his wife (Ashley Judd) as they were unable to have kids on their own.

Flash foward some years, Ryan Wade (Blake Rayne) wants to sing and play music, while his dad wants him to be a Preacher, obviously. He then basically invents rock ‘n roll somehow, with a friend of his on drums (Seth Green). But he doesn’t get famous from it. His dad sends him to the army, and then preacher school before he finally sets off on his own to do what he wants to do: automobile mechanics. Nope. He can’t be a star, too hard for him.

But not too hard for Drexel Hemsley, his twin, who became super famous and invented rock ‘n roll, or something. Everyone says they look alike. But that can’t be. Oh well, Ryan looks up to him and hopes he can meet him some day. Also with Joe Pantoliano as a mechanic shop owner and Erin Cottrell as the girlfriend/narrator.

This is the first time in his life Liotta did not play a gangster.

I am so happy that I did not shell out money for a movie ticket for this garbage. It had so many ugh moments, on almost every level, that made this movie bad.

Starting with my already made joke, Ray Liotta as a preacher? What? Every scene set in the 1930s was done in black and white. That way you knew it was the past, versus the “present” of the 1940s and 1950s. Tacky and terrible.

It is such an awkward story (/book), because it is clearly just trying to make a strange fan fiction Elvis movie. The main actor isn’t an actor at all, but someone who won an Elvis lookalike contest in the 1990s and has made a career out of it. So yeah, that guy is the guy they have to play these two people who are notElvisbutElvis.

Not only is the plot itself terrible, but every one of the characters is two-dimensional and lame for no good reason. SPOILERS, but he doesn’t find out he is a twin until his “dad” is about to die. Great. His real mom and twin are already dead now too, so all he has left is a father who got rid of him. Yay?

It was so slowly moving, it became infuriating at times at how dense and pointless the whole film felt.