Author: Admin

Judging movies by their title is a time honored tradition.

Like All Cheerleaders Die. K. This sounds like a slasher horror. Because it is going for girls, probably has a lot of naked girls, probably a B grade film, and probably excessively gore-y for whatever reason.

Well, turns out I was completely wrong about this movie. Almost every single aspect that I could derive from the title. Still a horror, just not a slasher. High quality feeling film with only some meh special effects. Not really super gore-y. Kind of amusing at points, but no where near the end. And only a little bit of eye candy.

So basically I was wrong. Dead cheerleader wrong.

Bet you I can’t go through this whole review without a Heroes reference.

Everyone liked Alexis (Felisha Cooper). She was going into the summer of her senior year, ready to take over the cheerleading squad and lead them to victory. But while performing a hard stunt for Maddy’s (Caitlin Stasey) video project, she smacks hard to the ground on the head. And you know. Dies.

This tears everyone up, but not everyone equally. Aka, Tracy (Brooke Butler) is now dating Terry (Tom Williamson). Terry apparently isn’t missing Alexis too much, because they were hardcore dating too. And Tracy was Alexis’ best friend! So Maddy wants to get back at them, because she used to be friends with Alexis a long time ago, and really hates Terry. Her plan is to join the cheerleading squad, destroy it from within, and also ruin Terry’s life while she can.

But that might not be the main plot of the film. Jealousy can be a serious thing, on all accounts. So when Maddy, Tracy, and two other girls (Amanda Grace Cooper, Reanin Johannink) are killed from a traffic accident caused by Terry, shit starts toget serious. Especially when Maddy’s ex girlfriend, Leena (Sianoa Smit-McPhee) is close by when it happens. Since she practices paganism, she attempts to bring them back, and well. It works. Just, they are different now. They are undead. And things are about to get a lot more hectic.

Also featuring more dudes as football dudes. Leigh Parker, Chris Petrovski, Nicholas S. Morrison, and Jordan Wilson.

Who knew Geology could be used for such diabolical purposes?

As I already mentioned, thus spoiling the end of my review, I definitely found this to be a lot better than I thought based on title alone. It has its issues, most movies do. But here is what it had going for it:

An original plot. Interesting characters. Multiple important plot lines. A villain who seemed like a huge dick, but also someone anyone could imagine. Funny at times. Not low budget and not going the easy way out at any point. And characters I could actually care about.

Go figure. I don’t have a lot to say after the fact either. I do hope they try to do more of these and continue the story line. I think the end left that open, or it could have just been their way of saying shit is still weird.

A pretty decent and newer film, perfect for the Halloween season. Watch the cheerleaders, save the world. (Fuck! So close!)

I have wrote before about the secret feud that must exist between Zach Braff and Josh Radnor. They both were the stars of long running comedy sitcoms that were ingrained in pop culture. They also both directed movies, Braff had Garden State and Radnor had HappyThankYouMorePlease. Both, very indie drama/comedies.

But then Mr. Radnor changed the rules. No longer willing to just copy Mr. Braff, he went and directed a second movie called Liberal Arts. Not only that, but the very indie movie dealt with sex. That is a huge game changer.

So Braff looked at Radnor, knowing he had to direct another movie to get back at Radnor’s arrogance by jumping the line. He decided to direct and write a film called Wish I Was Here, trying to out indie the latest indie movie of Radnor. Braff just had to use the power of Kickstarter to do it. On plot alone, he might have done it too. Braff was attempting the very rare, and usually very good, indie family road trip movie.

With at least one Turkleton by his side.

Now, this is a story all about how Aidan Bloom’s (Zach Braff) life got flipped-turned upside down. Hmm, not entirely true. One could argue it happened after his mom died and left a sizable sum of money to his brother (Josh Gad) who seems to be wasting it all. One could say it has been bad for the last couple years, as he is a struggling actor, unable to find work in LA, living in a shitty home. His wife, Sarah (Kate Hudson), is working at a shitty job with annoying coworkers and is taking out her frustrations on her husband who isn’t providing income.

But at least his kids (Joey King, Pierce Gagnon) are going to a good school. They are in a private Jewish school, thanks to funding from his father (Mandy Patinkin). But even that is about to change. Looks like his cancer is back, and he wants to use the rest of his savings for a risky procedure to maybe get rid of the cancer for good. Maybe.

Well, Aidan didn’t have a good life in public school, so agrees to home school his kids. But does he know how to teach them? They are quite different, and he wasn’t the smartest in school either. But with so much in his life going sour, Aidan really doesn’t even know what to do. According to the Rabbis he is failing, that is for sure.

Also featuring Braff’s friends. You already knew Donald Faison was in here, but what about his Garden State buddies, Jim Parsons and Michael Weston? Natalie Portman was presumably busy.

Braff literally carried around his Kickstarter money until the film was finished. Every last scene.

I know a lot of people were disappointed with this film, calling it “Not Garden State” but this film wasn’t going for Garden State at all. Garden State was about depression, this film just has depressing subject matter. I was completely wrong with the genre though, the trailers made it seem like a road trip movie, and there is some traveling, but most of it takes place around LA.

It is about a man trying to cope with his existence, with what his family expects of him, with what others expect of him, and whether or not he truly is the reason that everything in his life is falling apart.

The film also has a strong indie feel, especially when Braff gets caught up in his imagination (not like JD). But it doesn’t feel so indie that I am pissed off by the end, wondering what the entire movie was about. That’s an indie stereotype. This film sort of celebrates the bizarre of every day ordinary life and of raising a family. And it does a decent job at the story it wants to convey.

Funny and serious, Wish I Was Here was better than I thought it would be, and certainly better than Liberal Arts, which I have to compare it to. Just arguably both of these gents had better first films than their second films.

What if I told you that sometimes movies are called different things in different countries. That wouldn’t surprise you in the slightest. You knew that.

After all, it is Gojira in Japan, and Godzilla in America. “Hey that doesn’t count, that is just another different language!”

Alright fucker. How about Frozen? We got the clever/unique title, while countries in Europe got stuck with the generic The Snow Queen, which the movie is “based upon” (aka, both have a woman with ice powers and…?). “Well, that one changed its name to appeal to different cultures where The Snow Queen story originated, to get more money!” Okay. Well, I don’t blame them for that I guess. I do blame them for saying it has anything to do with The Snow Queen, but I digress.

That leaves us with the movie for the day, What If. No question mark. It’s original title in Ireland/Canada was The F Word, and for whatever reason that title was found to be too risque or something for American audiences, so we get a much more romantic comedy-esque name to maybe get the ladies in? I don’t know. It is fucking stupid. If I hear it was the MPAA’s fault for alluding to maybe the word Fuck, I will be angry though.

See, there isn’t even any fucking in this scene. That would be impossible for them in their positions.

Relationships are hard. Just ask Wallace (Daniel Radcliff), who is finally getting over his ex girlfriend Megan after like, 3 years. So he is going to Allan’s (Adam Driver) party, his best friend. That is where he meets Chantry (Zoe Kazan), Allan’s cousin. They have some intense conversations, both of them a bit awkward, but it is nice.

Also, Chantry has a long term boyfriend of course, Ben (Rafe Spall), which throws Wallace off guard. Normally that information is given earlier in a conversation. But he is fine with being friends. She believes a man and a woman can be friends with no hidden motives. And you know what? Wallace is fine with that too. Fuck it.

Basically, this is a retelling of The Wedding Singer. Chantry even has a sister (Megan Park) interested in Wallace. Wallace is heartbroken after a long relationship ended. Chantry things she is in a relationship forever, but one that might start having issues. And there is at least one wedding occurring, when Allan hits it off hard with Chelsea (Mackenzie Davis).

It just has a lot less music and singing and no Broadway musical adaption yet. I say yet, because we all know Mr. Radcliffe loves Broadway.

He also loves diners, if you look at every poster for this movie.

This isn’t your grandmothers romantic comedy. This is a a romantic comedy for a more realistic newly mature movie watching crowd. Wait. It is only PG-13? Hmm. I figured it was R, but now looking back, I guess no real cursing or other adult stuff happened.

I say realistic, but in the end, this is similar to a lot of other romantic comedies, just with slightly different approaches. After all, the F word in questions ends up either being “Friendship” or “Friendzone” depending on how you look at the movie. Friendzone is a rather ugly word now, because it is pretty sexist in most cases, and used by people who think that being nice to the sex they are attracted to should eventually lead to a relationship and of course sex. Because not every relationship starts with friendship, a lot start romantically first. Unless its the movies.

So should I punish the movie for going the technically same cliche route of friendship with the intention of friendship leading to something more? Or should I ignore it and enjoy the acting, the chemistry, the comedy, and the ridiculousness of it all?

I like the ridiculousness route. Woo romcoms! Woo What If! A bit of it seemed forced, but I loved how uncomfortable everyone acted when they were forced into slightly romantic situations. I literally live off of awkwardness, and this movie may have extended my life at least 4 days.

Fury. Finally. I have said a few times I wanted more TV shows and movies based around basic human emotions. We had Glee, and we had Rage? What about Fear? What about Sorrow? And so now we get Fury.

In all honesty, I feel like it has been a good while since I have seen a really good war movie. Too many things focused on Iraq and Afghanistan that are all over the place in terms of quality. I guess I enjoyed Lone Survivor, but that wasn’t a super long epic war movie, a la Saving Private Ryan.

I mean, the last thing we got was The Monuments Men, and everyone know how great that ended up being. Just saying, a lot of pressure on Fury, and they have to start with an uphill battle, because they put Shia LaBeouf in it.

There he is, hiding in the back, behind that mustache.

War is hard. Just ask the former assistant driver of the Fury tank. Well, you’d be able to if his face wasn’t blown off. That sucks. They liked him. He has been with them for years. Sergeant Don ‘Wardaddy’ Collier (Brad Pitt) promised his team that he would always keep them safe and he has finally broken his word. It was only a matter of time. Sure, it is now April fucking 1945, the war almost over. But the Germans keep fighting back, despite the allied forces on their doorstep in their country.

So now they are a man down, but only temporarily. Their replacement is the young Norman Ellison (Logan Lerman). Eight weeks into the army, hardly a man, he is going to have to learn to grow up and quick. Especially with a bunch of Germans surrounding them, and four pissed off Americans sharing a cramped space with him. Like other assistant driver/gunner Gordo (Michael Pena), main gun shooter guy Bible (LaBeouf), and big missile loader crazy man Coon-Ass (Jon Bernthal).

Oh and hey. The Germans have better tanks. Better defended, better missiles. And they aren’t as spread out. And their equipment isn’t outdated. So yeah. The tank, Fury, has a lot going against it. And now they got a kid who hasn’t even killed a man. Basically a death wish keeping him around.

But war is hard and surviving it is even harder.

And don’t worry, there are other tanks. And other soldiers. Some of which are acted by Jim Parrack, Kevin Vance, and Brad William Henke. For diversity sake.

But Americans have some lasers on their tanks, so it should all even out in the long run.

Not many war films glorify war, and this one is not an exception. In fact, so few war films glorify war that it seems silly that I even have to mention that. Should only mention it when a film actually does glorify war at this point.

But this one has exceptional acting talent behind it as well. From the bottom up. LaBeouf? Eh. He is better at pieces set in the past. I didn’t hate him by the end. Bernthal? Probably his best work. Pena? It is surprising how well of an actor he has been over the last few years, given his start. No difference here. Lerman? Not just a Percy Jackson looking kid anymore. He conveyed a huge range of emotions. Pitt? I’d watch Pitt watch paint dry for 2 hours and probably give that film 2 thumbs up. I’d watch him make tea and then refuse to drink it for five hours. Does he make bad movies? I mean, even Mr. and Mrs. Smith has some redeeming qualities.

This is an extremely violent film, as you would imagine based on title and plot. I personally only thought “Boom! Headshot!” once or twice throughout the whole film, despite the large number of them. They were just so shocking and gross.

The film isn’t just war torn countryside and fighting. There are periods of downtime, including one extremely long scene in a conquered German city. The type of scene that reminded me of something Quentin Tarantino would do. That could just be because of Pitt/Inglourious Basterds though.

I honestly went in expecting a movie that might have gotten a bit too anti-war preachy. One that didn’t give me the best acting. I don’t know what I was smoking. Fury is now one of my new homeboys.

Political documentary! It has been two whole weeks since my last one, so clearly I was already due for another. In reality, while waiting in line to watch a pre-screening, I looked for an unplanned documentary on Netflix on my phone and watched it in the comforts of a lawn chair.

I picked Electoral Dysfunction for two main reasons. One, of course, was its length. Only 90 minutes. Sexy. Good. I only had about 100 minutes before being let in the movie. The movie was also The Judge if you are curious, which I released over a week ago.

The second reason is because I figured by the title that it would be about the USAs Electoral College, the system that I am totally not going to explain here today. Look it up if you want. Here is a wiki page. It is an outdated, confusing, and unnecessary system that never really made sense, but it exists. For whatever reason. So I knew this would be a documentary I could easily agree with and I would rather not get visibly upset while waiting in line to watch a movie, surrounded by slightly familiar strangers.

If the government was really dysfunctional, the national parks would be closed. Oh wait. That did happen.

This one is narrated/hosted by Mo Rocca, known for his work on The Daily Show, so it was a natural fit for him. Most of the film focused on Indiana, home to some of the strictest election laws in the country. Which this film also dealt a lot with. Democrats, Republicans. People who wanted Voter ID laws, people who want every vote to count, and hey, he also talked to some actual Electors.

It was all very comical, as one would hope given the star.

But at the same time, it focused a whole lot on not electoral college stuff, and more election in general. Which is okay, but I would have enjoyed a lot more if I ended up learning something useful about it. An okay documentary if you had to waste an hour and a half in a line with strangers. But not too great.

And So It Goes is one of the many films I decided to skip the pre-screening and wait a lot longer to see it. I had nothing better to do that night, so I went home instead of watching the movie.

I just couldn’t justify waiting hours in line. Look at the main poster. The title is just vague enough to make it about anything. Brought to us by Rob Reiner, this film wasn’t even really advertised in any way.

Sure his last film he made I really liked, Flipped. I found it adorably cute. But he also did The Bucket List, which just seems to pander to the viewer in the worst ways.

I make sure to show my biases before a review, and most of the time I feel pretty neutral. But man, this movie has an uphill battle as it just looks like a pointless, slightly emotional, predictable, waste of time.

Alcohol? That would totally give this film an edge if they didn’t look so happ (y.

Oren Little (Michael Douglas) is a mean old grouchy old man, and a real estate agent. He is incredibly wealthy, had a son who is a disappointment to him, and he doesn’t like to talk about it. He is ready to retire, sell his old house for several millions, and get away from everything and live out of his life in bliss elsewhere. But for now, he is living in a building he owns, an apartment complex. You know, it’d be weird to sell your house if you still lived there and didn’t want it to seem that way.

But then Mr. Disappointment (Austin Lysy) shows up at the home’s door step, ruining a potential buyer. Apparently the kid has some more bad news. He will be serving time for 6-8 months and needs someone to watch over his daughter. Whoa whoa. Oren has a grand daughter?! Soon to be 10 Sarah (Sterling Jerins) needs someone to look up to, and she might as well assume her grandpa will help out in that department. But of course, he doesn’t want this shit.

Thankfully one of his neighbors isn’t so entirely sick of Oren’s shit to ignore the daughter. Which is where Leah (Diane Keaton) really comes into the picture. A widowed lounge singer now, she tries to assume the best about people and usually she is wrong.

Can she with the help of the girl maybe turn this grouchy old groucho around?

I dunno. You be the judge!

Well shit. The movie ended up being a pointless, slightly emotional, predictable, waste of my time. Incredible. I looked up to see a few stats and saw that this movie had a budget of 30 million.

30 million to make? What? There were like five sets in the entire picture. How much money did Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton demand? It must be at least 15 million of that price, because everyone else involved was no names anyways.

The neighbors I didn’t tag or talk about because they all don’t matter. Their plot lines in the predictable movie are also predictable. They keep getting themselves involved in Oren’s life until he realizes he must not hate them either after all. Yay family. Yay friendship.

Apparently money doesn’t buy happiness, which is the theme of the movie. But that isn’t even true by itself. Because everyone knows that money definitely helps happiness. If he was poor, Oren couldn’t have handled that kid or gotten it on with Diane Keaton. There was also a very awkward scene with the girls mother, but it was less than a minute of screen time and ended very awkwardly. Awkwardly in terms of story telling, as they glossed over a lot of what must have happened and she was seemingly never talked about again. Kind of fucked up.

Shame on you movie. Shame.

Another day of planned movie watching was foiled by my inability to remember to bring my movies to my movie watching location. So I had to improvise, yet again, and yet again, I went for one that I could find that was super weird.

So hey. Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader. Ah, clearly that is a throwback to one of the more famous original Sci-Fi B-Movie Drive-In Theater of all time: Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. This is just a more specific version of a woman, with a completely different plot, and probably a few elements that would have never made it on film in the 1950s.

Like boobies.

However, both may have had obvious references to Gulliver’s Travels. Who knows.

Cassie Stratford (Jena Sims) is “ugly” and a boring nerd in college. Sure, she somehow has a job as a researcher that has helped develop a new chemical that can increase the strength and attributes of an object. Kind of also restoring its use. Pretty vague. Going to be used to make plastic surgery stay good longer.

But Cassie is “ugly” and going for a sorority that her mother was in and is trying to be a cheerleader. That is the only way her mom will pay for college (because he job doesn’t and presumed smarts don’t help with that). Things are obviously going badly, so of course Cassie puts some of that formula into her blood stream. Next day, she is sexy, confident, and athletic. Now she is able to impress most of the sorority and cheer squad! Well, not the head person of course. Brittany Andrews (Olivia Alexander) is totes jelly and angry about it all. She loses her popularity, especially when Cassie grows taller making her seem a hulking amazon woman.

Yep, looks like the drugs have some adverse side effects. In fact, Cassie might grow so big the government has to get involved. Oh no, not the government!

Thankfully she has her nerdy yet hunky coworker Kyle (Ryan Merriman) looking out for her to fix things. And her super down to earth roommate Jett (Sasha Jackson) for some form of support!

Spoilers: This movie does end with a giant woman cat fight.

I’ve done these strange college sex comedies films before. Most recently it was The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, which was a surprisingly entertaining film for the genre, with an original plot line, some acting, some funny jokes, and more. This is a completely different type of movie. It is one of those movies trying too hard to be a B movie and instead just making a boring piece of movie.

Unlike others in the genre, it isn’t really ever funny. They go for some shocking scenes and sudden naked moments to get their laughs, but all of it just feels forced and yawn inducing.

And it also features some terrible CGI just to remind you that they are going for B Film status. It was even made by Roger Corman, the asshole who makes all of these terrible movies for Sy Fy. It is his first 3D movie too. I didn’t watch it in 3D, but it was made obvious by some incredibly awkward scenes and camera placements that they wanted the items to jump out of you.

The entire thing ends up being an unfunny, unoriginal waste of time that fails to live up to its genre.

Seduction is all about the hair wiggling.

What? You can’t wiggle your hair? Then you have to wiggle your hips. Can’t wiggle your hips? Then wiggle your fat stacks of cash, because that is the only other way you might be able to seduce someone.

Thankfully, I have the first two going for me, so I don’t need a guide to seduction, which hopefully The Grand Seduction isn’t about. I’d imagine it could be about seduction on a big level, like maybe a thousand people at once.

Yeah, that would be a grand seduction, wouldn’t it?

Or maybe it is on how to form the sexiest three way known to man?

Tickle Head, a quaint small island village in Newfoundland, Canada. Shit, even the setting for this film is arousingly seductive. It used to be a nice place to live, where the locals mostly fished their way into happiness, earning a living and a decent wage while doing what they loved. They are the type of people who live there their whole life and don’t ever want to leave.

Like Murray French (Brendan Gleeson)! His dad had a lot of kids, a loud loving wife, and earned his life of small town luxury. That is all Murray wants to do, too. But the fish cant be fished anymore for a wage, so all the men and town and Murray line up to collect their welfare checks and feel down right miserable.

But there is hope. Indeed. There is talks of a petrochemical company setting up a factory there. The mayor is offering a lot of incentives. They don’t want to work at a petrochemical company necessarily, they just want to work, no matter the job. The only (major) issue is that the town doesn’t have a doctor. They have been trying to get one for eight years but no one wants to live in their small community.

Well, through some underhanded means, they are able to line one up! Dr. Lewis (Taylor Kitsch), a cricket lover and doctor has to spend a month in their small town. If they can convince him that they are a special and unique place and like all the same things he does, then they can have him live there. Then they convince the company to come. Then they can earn a living. Yes. How excellent.

Also with random townspeople, like Mark Critch, Liane Balaban, Gordon Pinsent, and Matt Watts more.

“And this is where we stare out into the sea, noting the loneliness of existence.”

Without a doubt, I can say I probably learned a lot about seduction from this film. Getting that small village of only a hundred or so individuals to work together for a month on a common goal. Sure, some may see the entire thing as deceit or a lie. Some may say that it the spying on his phone line is down right despicable. Some may say a lot of things, but by golly, it was entertaining.

I was quite surprised at how funny I found this whole movie. I put off watching the film for at least 2 days thinking it would be boring or elitist, but it was really none of those things. This is actually a remake of another movie, translated to Seducing Doctor Lewis, which came from the wildly distance area of Quebec. Sure, some would say it is weird for a country to remake a movie from the same country, but 1) Quebec is nothing like the rest of Canada (basically, it is their Texas), and 2) America remakes its own shit all the time.

The Grand Seduction has a lot of charm, wittiness, and charisma, while also maintaining that uncultured small town vibe. Which, I guess is even more so the point of a film titled like this one.

Brendan Gleeson is turning into an entertaining actor, and to think he is only turning 60 next year. Kitsch is playing a role unlike a lot of his other things as well.

If I was this movie, I’d be able to end this review less awkwardly too. Let’s just say that.

Milestone Milestone Milestone Review!

Welcome to my 1200th review for my website. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you. I have had a hard time finding general themes to go with for some of these bad boys. My attempt to do a good milestone review for Trapped In The Closet was met with large yawns. My best ones have been taking arguably well known shitty movies and going indepth over them. Like the Twilight movies.

But more recently I have noticed that a few of my last milestone reviews have been live action remakes of child hood classics that have left the fans angry or confused. Namely, Dragonball: Evolution and Speed Racer. So why not the reverse?

A CGI “remake” of live action child hood classics? Namely, the 2007 TMNT. Sure, there was cartoons too, but the movies were hugely successful and everyone I knew watched them.

How many people did I know that watched TMNT?

The same number you see here in this picture!

New York City…

Just kidding. This movie doesn’t start in the Big Turtle. We are going to Central America, where April O’Neal (Sarah Michelle Gellar) is looking for some artifacts. That is what she does now. Looks for relics for rich people, because fuck journalism. She hears some rumors and lo and behold, that sneaky sanchez Leonardo (James Arnold Taylor) is out and about. Apparently he was sent down to work on his leadership, by Spliter (Mako) for some reason or another.

I heard it was cause some guy was running around NYC with a mask and fighting crime, not the turtles!

Oh shit, there are two people running around with masks!

What are the rest of the Turtles doing? Well, not a lot. They beat Shredder some point before the movie, so they have free time. Donatello (Mitchell Whitfield) is working from home as an IT specialist. Michelangelo (Mikey Kelley) works for kids birthday parties where he gets beaten with bats! And Raphael (Nolan North)? Well, he sleeps all day and does nothing.

Because he is roaming the streets at night as Nightwatcher battling crime.

Well shit, that mystery didn’t last long.

April is working for this man, Winters (Patrick Stewart), who really loves statues. Just kidding, Winters is secretly this ass hat Yaotl, an immortal being from 3,000 years ago in the Aztecs. He opened up a portal to another universe to get his power on, making him immortal, but his generals were turned to stone. Then, after that, 13 immortal beasts come out of the portal and fuck up his enemies and his own armies. Everything is lost. He is not an immortal being, his staff are stone, and he kind of wants to open the portal again to get some more shit done.

So the ancient relic was actually a stone statue and one of his generals. Aw yeah. Time for shenanigans.

Don’t look so fucking shocked. Bad guys do bad things.

He actually is able to use his future tech rich company to make them alive again! But they are still stone. Awkward. Doesn’t matter.

In order to bring some relevant Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action into this movie, they have the foot clan! No longer led by Shredder, cause Shredder is gone, but now ninja Karai (Ziyi Zhang) is running things. They were hired to find and contain the 13 mythical beasts.

Apparently they have been running amuck on Earth for the last 3000 years and no one noticed? Really hard to say.

Well, Leo returns and they are told to stay hidden until they can be a team again, so they don’t. They find one of the beasts and a foot clan, help and then get knocked the fuck out by some stone generals who appear. Awkward. So they are forced to stay put this time for serious. Except one team member refuses.

And he is an angry one, that Ralph.

Nightwatcher goes out and Leo finds him. He doesn’t want Nightwatcher to be a vigilante. So they fight, shirtless, in the rain, and HOLY SHIT IT IS RAPHAEL.

Through the fight, Leo gets captured by the bad guys and Raphael feels totally bad you guys. Especially since the bad guys might offer up Leo as a sacrifice to the portal in lieu of one of the monsters. All sorts of fucked up there.

We already went over this. Bad guys gonna be bad.

Except not. This Winters/Yaotl fellow doesn’t want to wreck havoc. He wants to stop being immortal and free himself and his generals. But the generals? They like being immortal, and they like even more their powers and movement. So, despite Winters actually secret good intentions, they aren’t down with it and want to get their fight on.

So the Turtles, April, and Casey (Chris Evans) (Who I don’t feel bad not mentioning until now), along with the Foot Clan show up to help save the day. They have to find the last monster, defeat new monsters, defeat generals and hope the shenanigans are stopped in time!

And of course they do. They are able to find the last monster and have it push itself and the generals into the portal, which is sealed forever. Yay, fuck those generals.

Not literally nor all at once.

Welp, day is saved, everyone wins, and time to go home.

The End.

So I guess I can start talking about the film now?

Like the recent live action version,this film does stay true to the general characters, their attitudes, and made them feel individually cool. Because it is animated and not the 1990s, they were able to actually use their weapons. And the fact that it didn’t get bogged down with an origin story is awesome.

However, outside of those things, most of which are expected, there was only one entertaining scene in the whole film. Just one. The rooftop battle between Leo and Ralph in the rain. It was super sexy and a bit gorgeous.

This picture does it justice, just doesn’t save the film.

One sweet scene doesn’t a good movie make.

The humor was shitty, the CGI outside of that scene felt old, even by 2007 standards, like a very cheap CGI TV show.

I am fine having a plot without Shredder, really, but they picked such whogivesashit villains with a lot of pointless attributes that at no time is it exciting, nor is it ever really sensical. I remember the cartoon. Give me that giant dude with the brain storage in his stomach. That guy is cool. These guys are not, especially when the main villain isn’t even a villain either.

Even kids would be bored with this movie, and it is flashy animation.

The recent remake was not a great thing for this series, but this CGI version was an even worse slight to the franchise. I bought a bootleg version of this film in Greece from a Nigerian in 2007 and forgot to ever watch it. I only picked it because I knwe it was still in theaters. My 2007 self knew it would be a disappointment. And now all of you do too.

I would consider myself a journeyman on the internet. I like being on the internet. It is like a home IN my home.

But in some people’s homes, they use the internet to make the internet bigger. Big internet users make money by putting themselves inside the internet. Personally, I put some stuff on the internet, like these websites, but not a video of me moving and talking. That is too intense. I want to just keep making my like, $30 a year on this website. That is my level of commitment.

For some of these people, they pull in six figures a year, but also work every day to do it. Inspiring actors, comedians, and even chefs, have taken to making their own web TV shows and mac software to entertain literally dozens upon dozens of individuals every day.

And this documentary, Please Subscribe: A Documentary About YouTubers talks to a lot of them, including these shows people: My Drunk Kitchen, Livelavalive, Seannaners, Wheezy Waiter, Daily Grace, Mystery Guitarman, Will to DC and Dan Brown.

Basically I have heard of one of these things/people ahead of time (My Drunk Kitchen), maybe two (Mystery Guitarman). None of these other people, so I guess I learned a lot?

Like Chicago is a scary place to go to find actors.

A few of these people got more spotlight than others. Like this Livelavalive fellow, who apparently used his YouTube show to help break free from his extreme OCD shut in self. Some of these individuals do weekly shows, some 7 days a week. Most of them edit their own videos, do all of their own production and are a complete one person show. Not all of them, but whatever.

I found Dan Brown to be the most interesting story. He was an early YouTube success, but he kept trying new things and apparently he pissed people off by under performing, and then people didn’t give a shit anymore. YouTube is fickle, so it requires a lot of work.

A lot of these people were pretty similar though and I was kind of disappointed by how many of them were just weird daily talk about their lives people. I want people who do cool things. Where the fuck is my Epic Meal Time?

I didn’t even feel like linking to their pages. If you want to find out about them, go crazy. This is just an okay documentary about random people on YouTube. I wanted to see actual dollar amounts as to what they made, so we can see if their effort is actually worth it. A nice cute story, but an indifferent one at the end of the day.