Author: Admin

Fuck. Yes. Entourage.

When the TV Show ended four years ago with its shorter season there were rumors aplenty that the gang would all come back for a movie. We thought it would happen sooner than four years, but hey, whatever.

Did the TV Show need more? Honestly, I don’t remember. The show is extremely easy to binge watch due to both season length and show length. I remember doing the first four seasons in only 2-3 days when I decided to start the show. I remember actually very little about the show in terms of where any of the characters are at the end. I remember Matt Damon was there, and Toto too!

Well, let’s just say that if this movie ends up being any amount of good, I will have to rewatch the show.

This is their last hurrah to make me think Piven can actually act again.

The boys are back, as this movie takes place literally 9 or so days after the end of the TV show. So hope you remember what is going on.

Vince (Adrian Grenier) is already divorced, Johnny Drama’s (Kevin Dillon) show is cancelled, Turtle (Jerry Ferrara) made some ungodly amounts of money from his tequila business, and E (Kevin Connolly) is still…an agent or whatever.

But not everything is the same. Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven) did what everyone expected of him. He came out of retirement and took the job. And he has a new movie for Vince. The only issue is, Vince wants his next project to be something special. He wants a part in it for his brother of course. But he also wants to direct it.

So now, months later, Vince is directing and starring in a very expensive futuristic movie. It is Ari’s first potential groundbreaking moment as a head of a company. It is Drama’s chance at an…Oscar? Only way anything good happens is if they can actually finish the dang thing with budget and time constraints. But you know the gang. They got this, just like they got Medellin.

But it isn’t just about them. We have new comers! Like Billy Bob Thornton playing a Texan financier of movies and his young asshole son played by Haley Joel Osment. And and we have Ronda Rousey and Emily Ratajkowski, both playing themselves. So this is probably an improvement for Ronda’s past roles.

Of course we have a slew of returning cast members. Rhys Coiro, Alan Dale, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Perrey Reeves, Debi Mazar, and of course, Rex Lee. And more! But half the fun is finding out, isn’t it?

First Tusk, now this? Call the Facial Hair Police, we got a repeat offender!

The Entourage movie feels like it is an extension of the TV show. Same level of quality, same style of jokes, same characters. If I had to describe it differently, because you asked, I would say it is like a 4 episode mini season, smashed together so you don’t have to wait 3 weeks to watch it all. And frankly, that can be considered a good and a bad. Because if it doesn’t feel like a movie, why make it a movie? Why not actually just give us a new season? Because it is already a pretty raunchy HBO show, it isn’t like there is more they can do in a movie that they couldn’t do in the TV show. I doubt the budget was that different for this movie either.

So, why the movie? I don’t know. Probably because why not.

All of the characters are the same, including the mostly useless Turtle, whose arc in this film is pretty significant. No, this is about the other 3 members of the Entourage and Ari Gold. And also about how amusing Haley Joel Osment is playing a Texan with an accent and an attitude. He made me giggle like a school girl.

Basically, I would say this movie is worth it just so you can get even more Ari Gold time, clearly one of the greatest television characters ever made. And maybe a little bit of Johnny Drama redemption.

Overall, this has been a lot of words about something you already figured out. If you liked the TV show, you are going to like the movie and probably like that too. If you watched the TV show and didn’t like it, you probably won’t like the movie. And if you never watched the TV show, you have no reason to watch the movie.

Anyways. Fuck. I think I have to go rewatch the show now.

Get out of the way, motherfuckers. We got a GEOLOGY MOVIE to talk about. YEAHHH.

Sure, as a professional (in the case that I make fat stacks of cash), geo-scientists, I could use these movies to bemoan the lack of good science in film and to talk about everything that they got wrong. But in reality, Geologists don’t give a fuck and love the shitty geoscience movies. (Honestly, this could be true for most scientists, but I am not them so I don’t know). We haven’t had a decent CGI science fest in awhile though, mostly stuck with crappy intentionally bad movies which aren’t as fun.

BUT EARTHQUAKES ARE CLEARLY MUCH COOLER. So in San Andreas we should get shit breaking apart, people freaking out, presumably parts of California drifting off to sea. I can only hope. This is a geo-nightmare! One I am fully ready to embrace.

And if you came in here expecting a GTA movie, then get the fuck out of here right now.

We don’t have time for any more wise cracks.

In California, if your life is in danger, there is only one man you want to save your life. Ray (Dwayne Johnson) and his helicopter crew met and flew together in Afghanistan and now work for the LA Fire Department and rescue people everywhere all the time like the polished rocks they are.

But not everything is smooth in his life. No, cracks are forming in his personal life. His wife, Emma (Carla Gugino) wants a divorce. Their lives haven’t been the same since they lost a daughter in a drowning accident. At least they still have one more, their family bubble not completely eroded, in Blake (Alexandra Daddario). Emma is about to move in with Daniel (Ioan Gruffudd) who has a much more solid foundation. A famous architecht, rich.

But fuck all that. Earthquakes. The team at CalTech, lead by of course seismologist Dr. Lawrence (Paul Giamatti) and Dr. Kim Park (Will Yun Lee) have been testing out a hypothesis that will allow them to predict earthquakes. Thankfully in Nevada there has been a series of miniquakes to hopefully test their theory out and hey, it works! Just in time, or not just in time, because it looks like all of their recent work stress is about to be tested when the earth’s stress gets released. All along the San Anreas fault. Through small towns, close to LA and right smack dab through San Francisco .

Also featuring a few British folks from up the river. Namely, Hugo Johnstone-Burt as an engineer looking for a job, Art Parkinson his younger brother, and KYLIE MINOGUE as a small role that totally wouldn’t normally be noted but it is Kylie Minogue people.

Hide! Kylie doesn’t like it when you call her roles small!

It has been awhile since there has been an earthquake movie released. The last two I can remember are Aftershock and Aftershock. And when I compare all three, I would put this a step below Aftershock, but one step above Aftershock.

That’s right. I liked a disaster movie. And I will only briefly talk about the science.

From my knowledge, the whole magnetic pulse to predict earthquakes thing is a solid hypothesis running around the community and relatively new. So that is fine. I think they made up a big fault that doesn’t exist as part of the main San Andreas fault having it go through Nevada, but honestly, I don’t know. But my biggest complaint science wise is the Tsunami. Part of the climax involves a tsunami post all the big earthquakes hitting the city. Buuuuuut, that seems silly. Do giant ass earthquakes cause giant ass Tsunamis? Sure! But not at the same place the earthquake hit. See, the giant displacement event would cause the water to shift away from the epicenter, not towards. A giant ass tsunami would totally head towards Asia/Australia, but it didn’t make sense for it to hit San Francisco.

Back to the earthquakes! I cried. I legit cried near the end of this movie. Because overall, this is a story about a man trying to save his family. A man who tries to save everyone but couldn’t save his daughter those years ago. A man who is a rock in real life, facing a force that literally breaks rocks.

I was surprised at the amount of action this movie provided. They went high with their Earhtquake and aftershock count and had the damage affect at least 3 cities separately, plus tsunami, so there was tons of near death (and death?!) scenarios. Shit, the body count on this movie is so incredibly high. Millions and millions of people die thanks to tall buildings falling over and streets ripping apart. It’d be a bloodbath if it was just rated R and we could show all the bodies in the flood.

There was also disappointment when douche looking Ioan Gruffudd ended up being exactly that, a douche. I was really hoping he would be a good guy, despite being the “new rich man” in their lives, and make it a bit more complicated of a love dynamic. But alas, if it looks like a douche…

San Andreas has everything I’d want in a disaster movie. Some extremely ridiculous scenes of survival. Some crazy deaths. Trillions of dollars of damage done to infrastructure. Ample cleavage because you have to have that in movies about geology for pun reasons. Not completely terrible CGI. Some actual factual science. Some extreme cringe worthy dialogue (including the most obvious ending dialogue to end the movie. Much cliche). And of course, last but not least, Paul Giamatti’s face representing my literal profession.

Buy it now from Amazon now on Blu-Ray or DVD.

I wouldn’t consider myself a gambler. The one time I got to go on a river cruise, I left broke and learned a valuable lesson. Never lose out in the first hour of a three hour cruise. The last two will feel like forever. Might as well just slots the whole time instead.

The Gambler came out on a Christmas, and once I found out it was doing that, I would have bet money on it making close to nothing. I think I would have won that bet. Despite its technically A-List celebrity lead, it was barely advertised, and was a very awkward movie to come out on Christmas. There isn’t a super ideal demographic that it is appealing to, at least not one that might be wanting to go see movies on Christmas.

But again, I don’t gamble. Not with my own money. I now prefer gambling with higher stakes, like when lives are on the live. Then it is more than gambling. Then it is charity work, kind of.

Like teaching (for pay) entitled college kids at a big university is charity work.

Jim Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) is not your typical heir to a huge fortune. Well, he is in that he became a writer, because only rich people can be writers. He made a good book and rode that success into getting an English teaching gig at a University. But he hasn’t written well sense then.

Oh, and he owes hundreds of thousands of dollars. Not to something decent, like, tax people, or people his corporation stole money from. Nope, he owes it due to gambling a whole bunch, borrowing money to gamble, and never paying it back. Every time Jim gets some money, he gambles it for more and never knows when to quit.

Sucks! Especially when he starts dealing with more and more violent people. He owes money to quite a few by the movie end (Alvin Ing, Michael Kenneth Williams, John Goodman). And these people have a code. They have RULES. This isn’t ‘Nam!

We also get to see his very rich mother (Jessica Lange), the only person in his class with writing talent (Brie Larson), and a huge star college baketball player (Anthony Kelley) who might get picked #1 overall. Seems relevant.

“Shut the fuck up little Donnie!”

Movies about gambling usually involve smooth talking con men, or men who are smart and can out bluff opponents with their sweet or non sweet poker hands. This movie is just about a guy with a problem.

Gambling addiction is a real thing. So are nervous breakdowns. All of this can make compelling film, usually things that will be overly dramatic and make me cry. But those types of stories require either a better script or better acting, both of which this film is probably lacking.

I am not saying anything is wrong with any of the actors in this movie. They all did fine. No one really stood out as great though. Maybe this new guy, Anthony Kelley, he was pretty good at his smallish role. Everyone else was just very “mehhh”.

And of course it is disappointing that the movie didn’t have anyone being a smooth talking con man or smart battle of wits person. It was just all a regular dude who ranted to his university class and could take a beating. It tried to avoid cliches throughout, but the ending was a bit terrible, ending with some cliches and just ending…well flatly. It was extremely disappointing, and again, I wonder why the fuck this came out on Christmas.

Back in the day, the early 2000s, The Amazing Race was a great reality show. Us couch potato heads got to live vicariously through teams as they traveled across the globe, from the USA to the USA, competing in local culture based challenges. Then, like most reality shows, it started to get really shitty. They added to many new things to it and the focus was no longer on awesome culture challenges, but really just fucking with your competitors.

But hey, there were other nature/foreign race things out there. I mean, there was a whole season of Cannonball Run on USA! And there was one season of something called Eco-Challenge!

Alright, maybe no real shows other than The Amazing Race exist. Whatever. There are still tons of races around the world that exist for the same purpose, they just don’t normally get put on TV. Take for instance, the Rickshaw Challenge Mumbai Xpress! It is a 12 day challenge of nearly 2,000 km (1250 miles) across a lot of India. Sure, that doesn’t sound like a lot, but when you are traveling in a tiny rickshaw, which can’t go very fast. Well, it is something else.

Hit The Road: India is a documentary of two friends who decide to record their journey. For the lols, I guess.

Also for all the Shaws and all the Ricks of the world.

The two friends, Ric Gazarian and Keith King know close to nothing about rickshaws, but just want an adventure. Needless to say, things don’t go terribly well for the couple. They don’t use maps, they don’t speak the language, and they care more about sweet tunes than winning. On the plus side, the music selection for the documentary is one of the best parts. Great and diverse amount of songs.

On the other upside, the camera work was also quite excellent. Often times, I am disappointed with how shitty the guy holding the camera is when a documentary is going. Yes, good information is important. So is a compelling argument. But there is still room for amazing scenes, which the documentary produces both while driving down windy Indian roads and of the landscape in general.

Unfortunately, that is where the praise ends. The two leads are regular average folk, which means they are like me, which means they also aren’t that entertaining. The documentary rushes through a few days, making sure we get scenes, but a lot of it isn’t interesting. What is interesting is their numerous rickshaw/car problems, their late night or rain driving, and their few and far between moments of success. But the editing job doesn’t seem to mind what is boring and what is exciting. What we may get is a more truthful account, but overall it isn’t at all exciting.

But hey, if you like some cool scenes, the documentary is only 80 minutes long, so it can bet quickly watched and then later forgotten.

You see, Spare Parts is a metaphor. It both describes what they used in the movie to accomplish their goals, and what they felt society thought about them. They were leftovers, trash, extra coleslaw on the side.

Maybe I am getting ahead of myself, but you know I could have described the movie that way without seeing anything about it. That title has to work that way. As soon as I read it, my cheese factor went off, and I knew it had a double meaning.

When I read a brief description, it had every thing going for it to make a classic, and lame, “How do I reach these keeeds?” movie.

And it came out in January. I should stop before I talk myself out of even writing this review.

Ah, you teach the kids by taking them AWAY from school.

Let’s head on over to Phoenix, Arizona, where it is hotter than hot, in a lot of good ways. There is a lot of immigration going on to, one could describe it as illegal. Like all of the main high school kids in our story. All of them are not legal United States citizens, so they don’t have a lot of prospects going for them. Their futures are kind of screwed.

Oscar (Carlos PenaVega) wants to join the military, but you know, can’t. So he is disappointed. For whatever reason, he wants to enter an underwater robotics competition in California. He has no team or adviser or anything. Thankfully, there is Fredi Cameron (George Lopez), a real engineer, and he is stuck substitute teaching at the school for a few months. The economy and all. He is the head of the Robotics club as per his job, but he was told no one would sign up.

So Oscar gets the idea to do the competition. They don’t have to compete against colleges, there is a high school division. Talent scouts and internships can be won there, along with a whole pile of prestige. Well, only if they can get a few other guys together. So Oscar is able to find a big nerd, Cristian (David Del Rio), a tech guy who is good at cars, Lorenzo (José Julián), and the muscle, for heavy lifting and stuff, Hector (J.R. Villarreal).

But things can’t just be that simple though, right? No, they really can. Here are some more cast members.

Jamie Lee Curtis plays our slightly eccentric, maybe on Xanax principal. Marisa Tomei is another teacher and new love interest of George Lopez and a huge team supporter. Alexa PenaVega gets to be random girl interested in Oscar, her real life husband. And Esai Morales gets to be the father who wasn’t there for his boy and never cared about his success. The makings of a truly stereotypical true story inspirational film.

I mean, just thinking about it all makes me wet too.

If it wasn’t obvious, I certainly wasn’t looking forward to watching this movie. But I did it finally just to get it out of the way.

And you know what? It wasn’t that bad. Wasn’t bad at all. Was it full of cliches and some stereotypes? Sure, damn straight. Was the true story a bit better than the movie? Yeah, also true. Knowing some of the changes can be quite annoying. But eh, movies, yada yada, we have to get over it.

Here’s the thing. The characters were pretty charismatic. At least 2 of the boys one would probably enjoy their story. The other two I didn’t really latch on to, as I don’t think they told as much of an interesting store. Huh, a very average amount of things that I like.

There isn’t a whole lot to say about Spare Parts. You will go in knowing what to expect, and by golly, it will happen. It is a decent feel good story, where the only real difference between this and other ones is its heavy Hispanic influence.

Another movie that attached it itself to the Hype Train Caboose, It Follows was able to to launch itself from limited release to a full scale wide release in a matter of weeks. Weeks! With a wide release, unfortunately, came a lack of VOD release which was also supposed to happen.

Which is why I took so long to see it! Family life, very busy.

I made sure when I finally got to see it though that I maximized the potential scariness factor. I watched in on the scariest of days at the scariest of times. You know, Wednesday afternoon.

Although watching a horror movie in the middle of a pool might have Wednesday beat.

Girl Jay (Maika Monroe) meets boy Hugh (Jake Weary). Girl dates boy a few times. Boy is a bit weird. Boy lied about his name and home. Boy and girl have sweet sensual car sex. Boy chloroforms girl and ties her up.

Things are not going good for Jay! So when she finally wakes up, Hugh is acting even weirder than normal. Apparently having sex with her has passed “It” on to her. What is It? Well, he doesn’t really know. But apparently It is an entity that will walk towards her always and eventually try to kill her. Yep. And if she dies, it will then go back after Hugh. He got it from a random one night stand. See. Jay just needs to pass it on to someone else, tell them the same thing, and hope it travels far enough from her to never bother her again.

If she believes him. Until then, it is just a terrible rape from a crazy man who lied to her.

Until you know, she actually sees this thing coming toward her at several different times, and no one else can. She enlists her friends help, but they can only do so good, not being able to see it and all. She has her sister (Lili Sepe), a boy who crushes on her (Keir Gilchrist), a neighborhood boy with a car (Daniel Zovatto), and another friend (Olivia Luccardi).

Do you see It? DO YOU SEE?

Alright, imagine if you will a regular-ish person walking towards you, potentially naked, maybe slightly hurt. Just walking. That isn’t too bad. It is like a single zombie that only you can see. Mike Myers was scary because he was a fast walker, had a weapon and a mask.

Well, I was surprised at how frighting it could be. It Follows implores basically zero cheap jump scares. Everything is open and obvious. Sure, a lot of fear comes from the fact that the entity is now suddenly in the general area, but it is never “suddenly there in front of the camera omg scary!”. But this movie isn’t just about fears, or just an interesting STI allegory. It is about the fear of death. It is a bit about the fear of the future in general.

But also this movie is about EXCELLENT camera work and a killer (heh) soundtrack. Most scenes are nicely set up to feel both how big and small the world around you can feel. If you like synthesizers, you will feel at home in this movie.

Again, let me reiterate. I was terrified at many different times throughout the film, fearing for the protagonist and wondering how she could get out of the mess. You know, without sleeping around and passing on the curse to other people. That would be rude, to trick people into sex knowing you would put something like that on them.

Fuck. It Follows was so good, it blew away everything horror wise in 2014. I didn’t give a single scary movie last year a 4 out of 4. Half the year done and I already have one! Maybe Sinister 2 can recreate its predecessor. Highly unlikely, but you never know!

With the Penguins of Madagascar, every major animated release in the US in 2014 should now be reviewed on Gorgon Reviews. Hooray! Exciting!

Unfortunately it is the sequel/spinoff series to Madagascar, which I found to be very mediocre or bad. However, this one at least also had a TV show before it came out, so there is a lot of back stories with these characters and their adventures that I am wildly unaware of.

Bring on the penguins! They are cute I guess.

Holy, shit, we also get an Octopus? I am now ecstatic.

Skipper (Tom McGrath), Kowalski (Chris Miller), Rico (Conrad Vernon), and Private (Christopher Knights) are all penguins who make up a pretty unique fighting team. Or at least they think they are. Going on adventures, using code words, what have you. Recognize the voice actors? Exactly, because this movie isn’t sold on celebrities, it is sold on characters and people who are real voice actors, damn it.

Either way, while celebrating the 10th birthday of Private, directly after the events of Madagascar 3. While getting some sweet ass Cheezy Dibbles, they get kidnapped by Dave (John Malkovich, bring on the celebrities now!), an Octopus! Apparently Dave has had a shitty life of living in zoos all around the world, where he is always second fiddle and ignored thanks to cute animals like the penguins. PENGUINS.

So he wants to get rid of them all. Or make them ugly. Something like that. ALL THE PENGUINS MUST BE PUNISHED.

That should be enough plot for you. Spy movie guys. Lot of things happen. There is also another agent group, the North Force (Benedict Cumberbatch, Ken Jeong, Annet Mahendru, and Peter Stormare).

I will let you decide which voice should go with which character.

Shit, if you like Octopuses in movies, you are going to love this movie. Yes, Octopuses, mother fucker. It is the right way. They all reminded me of Octodad a little bit, especially since the main octopus is wearing a human costume sometimes.

In all reality, it was just an okay movie. I am glad that the penguins all had personality, but they didn’t really make me laugh all that much. I thought North Force was underutilized and the big bad guy plot was pretty lame as well.

There was one ongoing joke throughout the film, involving celebrity names and puns. They were fantastic and clever. Well done on that department.

But comparing it to other animated movies, the quality is definitely lower (although in line with the Madagascar animation, so at least they are consistent). It probably feels like an extended episode of the penguin TV show, so if you like the show, you will probably like the movie.

It could have been worse. It could have featured Firework over and over.

Fun fact about my brother: Maggie was his most anticipated movie of the summer of 2015. Not Avengers: Age of Ultron. Not Jurassic World. Not Mad Max: Fury Road. No, he wanted to see Maggie. I found that extremely interesting, but none of you should, because most of you won’t know my brother.

Maggie didn’t have a huge release and didn’t have any screenings for critics. However, it did come out on Video on Demand at the same time as its theatrical release, so hey, look at me now, getting to watch it in the restfulness of my own home, where I can cry if I want to. Where I can leave my friends behind. Because if they don’t cry, and if you cry, well, they might leave you behind.

Or maybe they just don’t have fully functional eyes.

That’s right. Zombies. But this is a slower zombie movie. So get your drink ahead of time, because you have to pay attention. I think overall, maybe only five or so zombies get killed the whole movie. There is a Necroambulist virus that has spread throughout the world. It might spread throughout food and regular contamination things. Also if you get bit by one, of course. Well, the movie starts with Maggie (Abigail Breslin) calling home as she is in the city after curfew and she wants to be alone. Well, her dad, Wade (Arnold Schwarzenegger) didn’t care about that. No, he is getting his daughter.

You see, Maggie has been bitten and she will slowly (very slowly) turn into a zombie. She doesn’t have to be placed into quarantine yet. She can go home to the farm and live a peaceful few days before her disease makes her too deadheaded. She can say goodbye to her friends, family, maybe get some good last meal in, who knows.

And that is about it! Life sucks when you know you are going to die. It also sucks when you know you will turn into a creature that looks kind of like you that will eat the flesh of your friends and family, potentially.

There you have it. A zombie tale about the slow decay of a person into madness. But with Arnold! And, sure, Raeden Greer, Bryce Romero, and Joely Richardson too.

“That skin condition is not a tumahh.”

So, I am not going to say I cried because I actually didn’t. But man, did I feel some emotion throughout it.

The movie felt a bit weird at first, kind of quick, lot going on with very little explanation. The movie makes you pay attention or else you might just get lost and ignore the rest of the plot.

Schwarzenegger and Breslin are actually really great in this film. The former is not known for his drama, but he played the part of a concerned father really well. And of course it wasn’t balls to the wall with action like his normal films. Breslin played the part of a frantic teenager, again, really well. But she just had to do with her arm decaying and losing vision and her mind.

The reason I am giving it this rating is that despite all of that, it still feels a bit too slow for me. I enjoyed the acting, just I know I don’t think I’d want to watch it again. Maybe a shorter cut would fix the issues. I don’t think the slow movement helps build up the tense situations later on, I think they just delay the best parts.

Do you love me? You don’t have to say you love me. Love me tender, love me do, will you love me tomorrow?

Love me for a reason, love me again, love me like you do.

That is the best my google-fu can do for now about hit songs in the past with Love Me in the title. But it is enough to prove the point, people really want to love and be loved in return.

But what happens if you’ve got so much love to give and can’t find anyone to take your love? Well, you either become a criminal and a despised human being, or you can look outside of America, and potentially become a despised human being. That’s right. I’m talking mail order brides.

The men come in flavors other than stereotype, thankfully.

The documentary is about several gentlemen who are looking for love in Eastern Europe. I have been told that Ukraine has a large female population, more so than the male population. According to one girl, they also are all heavy drinkers, and a lot of ladies would like to get out of there to meet a nice man and raise a family. You know. Without being with an alcoholic. So these international dating sites are big business, both for the lonely men in the USA and the lonely women over there.

And just to be clear, this isn’t actually spending like, $15,000 for a woman to fly over and marry you. It is a dating site, that you have to pay to message (because they will translate for you). The ensure that that women are real, and even do international trips where they bring guys over to set parties, that end up with 70-80 women and only 10-20 guys at. Pretty crazy.

Love Me was entertaining in many ways. For instance, I learned a lot about the industry and how these types of sites are set up / how they make money. I learned that the women aren’t forced into anything crazy. I learned that it can also be incredibly sad. They told a few stories over time, 3 months, 6 months, and more later. Some ended in happy marriages where they moved to America and got pregnant. Some had marriages that didn’t end well, and some only got to the engagement step or worse. Some people get led on, and others find true love.

And shit. Seriously, it got really sad and awkward at times, but I guess that is just how normal relationships go.

Love Me is on Netflix, and totally worth the discomfort.

Welcome to the world of Tomorrow!…land!

Today!

Or whenever this movie comes out in relation to when you read this review. If you are reading this right away, you have to wait two days until Tomorrowland, which sounds silly. The best thing about any of this is that I have absolutely no friggan idea what this is about.

I know Disney. I know the main star. I know that the director has done a lot of good movies. And that is all I have going into it.

By the looks of things, this movie takes place in Nebraska.

The future is scary. Global Warming, terrorism, protests, oil spills, all of that. But what if the future could be better?

Your dreamers and inventors and all of those wonderful people? What if they formed their own society free from the masses and government influence? Why, then we’d probably get a repeat of Bioshock. But this is Disney, so it instead was a wonderful place where young Frank Walker (Thomas Richardson) got to live in awe and wonder. Until he was kicked out, for reasons.

Now, many years later, our star obsessed Casey (Britt Robertson) has seen glimpses of this wonderful place, Tomorrowland. And it was exciting. And she wants to go to there! Everyone else just thinks she is crazy. But with the help of a mysterious young girl Athena (Raffey Cassidy) and older Frank Walker (George Clooney), she might finally get her wish.

The rest of the people, in order of importance with no details at all include: Hugh Lauire, Tim McGraw, Keegan-Michael Key, Kathryn Hahn, and Matthew MacCaull.

When did Hugh Laurie get such a young boy face?

The premise behind Tomorrowland I was purposefully vague about, I hope, because it just happens to be one of those movies that is hard to describe without describing EVERYTHING. So I won’t.

However, I can say that the beginning of this movie was wonderful. We had playful banter, wonderful imagery, and a decent story going. Heck, we even had robots. Clooney and Robertson were a delight! But as the plot took a more doomsday turn, something else started to turn as well. My ability to understand the movie.

Once they got to the part of the story where the Eureka! moment occurs, it all goes down hill from there. Mostly because they rush so quickly through the explanation, it is hard to make sure you understand before they start doing something about it. But that was the most common tactic in the movie. Explain quickly and move on, so you won’t think about it and won’t realize it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But it happened and the ending was kind of terrible and very anything goes by the end.

Which is a real shame, because I was enjoying it a lot before it got to that point. I am kind of SUPER disappointed that it didn’t end spectacularly. I don’t want to be hand held, I just want things to make sense. The movie was long and allowed for a lot to happen before they even made it to Tomorrowland. So it is a shame the end had to feel so rushed. Personally, I was left trying to discuss why certain things occurred with other movie viewers, and frankly, we kind of just gave up.

So, Tomorrowland. You were so close. If I had to compare, you were almost a Friday, but you fell flat and turned into Tuesday.