Walking With Dinosaurs

Walking With Dinosaurs gets the benefit of being the last big animated movie of 2013. It also is one of the worst.

It was made in part by the good folks of BBC Earth, because of the TV show from 1999, Walking With Dinosaurs. It was a state of the art TV show, CGI mixed with real world scenery, and made people like Dinosaurs again.

This. This was a piece of shit.

“She likes my hole!” Actual line of dialogue.

First surprise of the movie, is that there is a live action sequence involved at the beginning and end. Uncle Zack (Karl Urban) is taking his niece (Angourie Rice) and nephew (Charlie Rowe) to an archaeological dig area (as he is an archaeologist) to show them cool stuff! But thew nephew is too COOL for fossils now. What’s the point? Who cares about this dinosaur stuff?

Well, a raven does. Which totally morphs into a bird from 70 million years ago, Alex (John Leguizamo). Apparently that gorgosaurus tooth has a story, and we are going to hear it, damn it.

This is a story about Patchi (Justin Long), the runt of the litter of a group of Pachyrhinosaurus. Yes, his parents named him after the species, they apparently aren’t creative. Even if the dad is the head of the heard, and they name other children better, like the brother, Scowler (Skyler Stone). Huh, they gave him a very villainous name. Interesting.

Well, Patchi gets a hole in his…head flap thing, so he stands out even more for the viewer. Good friends with the bird Alex. They go on migrations, back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth. That seems to be all that is going on for a dinosaur like him. Just moving. And eating. Eventually his brother is in fact a dick, and bad things happen. Parents die. They don’t give too many fucks. But Patchi! Patchi is smart! And he wants to win the affections of a girl, Juniper (Tiya Sircar).

Oh boy, I hope everything works well?

Ah, vomited up food. Better than this movie.

Hey, you might be wondering. What the fuck does any of that have to do with a gorgosaurus tooth? Well yeah. Patchi grows a pair at some point, and head puts the t-rex looking mother fucker, who loses some teeth. We get a long complicated story full of poop jokes and un witty banter, when arguably, if they were actually going to tell a story about the gorgosaurus tooth, they would tell it from his point of view. Not 75 minutes of some other coming of age Patchi story that had nothing to do with gorgorsaurus teeth.

But that isn’t the only issue, no way. Only four of the dinosaur/birds get voices, the four listed. Apparently no one else can talk, as everyone else grunts and nothing else, no conversation at all.

The talking itself did not come from the characters mouths. It was just an awkward voice over, where the characters talked, but their mouths didn’t match or even attempt to math. So it was some sort of telepathic communication I guess.

One of the cool aspects was when the movie literally paused, to give us the name of a new dinosaur, what the name meant, and what it ate. It was interesting. Early on, it did it a lot real quick, like five times. Then it basically stopped and didn’t do it anymore. I have no idea why.

The dialogue was horrid. Everything felt cringeworthy. The story was not at all special. It cared a little bit about scientific accuracy, but not enough to give us feathers on the gorgosaurus.

I need to say gorgosaurus again.

Either way. By far, one of the worst movies of the year, and a complete waste of time.

0 out of 4.

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