Tag: Uma Thurman

Burnt

Thank goodness this film is called Burnt. Based on the title and poster, of Bradley Cooper in a chef’s outfit, I can make inferences though. It is about a angry chef, that was wronged and he wants revenge. Maybe. He could be a Gordon Ramsay like character and his life could come crashing down.

I am happy it is called Burnt, because it used to be called Adam Jones. Movie titles where it is just a fictional characters name are already bad ideas, because they don’t mean anything. And if you character is Adam Jones? One of the plainest damn names of all time. It didn’t feature a cool name like Enrique, Pierre, or Sadrik. Just Adam. Jones.

Naming aside, it turns out Adam Jones wasn’t the original name either. The original name was Chef, and we all know why that title was eventually changed. Hell, the plot of Chef was the first thing I thought of when I heard the word Burnt. As long as it is as good as Chef, we should have nothing to worry about.

Cooking
Hey, it has food in it! Another similarity!

If you didn’t already guess it, this film is about Adam Jones (Cooper)! Turns out Jones used to be a big deal. He lived in Paris and worked for one of the finest restaurants and eventually its head chef. While he was in Paris hear earned himself TWO Michelin Stars. Which is a pretty big fucking deal. But he did some bad things. He was on almost every narcotic, and it messed with his brain. He burned bridges and disappeared from his friends, his coworkers and lovers.

He actually put himself into exile. He shucked oysters for two or three years in New Orleans, getting clean, sober, and his focus back. And now he is ready to take the cooking world by storm again. This time: London. He wants the third Michelin Star. He wants to be one of the all time greatest chefs. He just has to try and reconcile a lot of relationships and find good talent to help him get there.

Obviously it won’t be easy to fix all the issues. He left Tony (Daniel Brühl), a Maître D’ and close friend, in a shambled restaurant. He ruined his good friend and former sous chef, Michel’s (Omar Sy) new restaurant. There is the daughter of his former mentor, Anne Marie (Alicia Vikander), who he was dating at the time. He has a now rival chef, Reece (Matthew Rhys), who used to be a coworker and is now a Three Star chef. And there is Helene (Sienna Miller), a great young chef who he wants to take under his wing, but refuses to work with the guy based on his reputation. She also has a daughter, Lily (Lexi Benbow-Hart).

Here are some more important-ish people. Some of his new chefs are played by Riccardo Scamarcio and Sam Keeley. Emma Thompson is a psychiatrist who has to monitor his blood for any narcotics. Uma Thurman plays a big deal food critic in London. And Sarah Greene is the Hostess for their new restaurant, basically a little Tony.

Plating
If I get a plate that has fingerprints on it, I send the whole thing back, personally.

It turns out that my guess on him just being Gordon Ramsey was pretty accurate. Not British Gordon Ramsay, but American shitty TV Gordon Ramsay. He owns like 3/4 of Fox reality shows at this point, and Fox has the worst reality shows. They commercial break at tense moments or cliff hangers, they encourage language just so it can be bleeped out, and half of the episode is a recap, or the intro/outros that transition with the commercial breaks, which tell you what you will see and what you just saw. Except this is a movie where adults can see adults do adult things, so we get to hear the glorious Fucks and so on. One long scene early on during a particularly upsetting service, it is like just a big Hell’s Kitchen break down.

But thankfully after that moment, it gets better. He becomes less Ramsay and more actual character. He has growth in this film, he does’t yell 100% of the time, but he maintains the same passion and drive throughout. It was nice to see his highs and his lows. It was not as nice to see his stunt double clearly in one scene, and in another scene, have his face bloody with a piece of skin falling off and in the next scene a minute or two later, magically only a small cut. Those were dumb moments.

I think Cooper did a good job leading a film that wasn’t a straight up comedy. His French was also surprisingly good, that is, to a lame American’s ears at least. Thankfully, the rest of the cast was really great as well. Let’s give them their own sentence, shall we?

Miller was good as the main female lead, and she wasn’t a typical romance pretty face – she rocked it. I usually see Brühl in more interesting roles, but he helped carry the film and the restaurant with his simplestic and seemingly perfect performance as the best Maitre D’. Sy I don’t see in a lot of films, but this is the second French-ish role. His character had nice surprise and intense moments. And Rhys was a limited role, but brought his own unique intensity to it all.

Yay acting! Are there cliches? Sure. But it is a well done cooking movie that doesn’t make one feel stupid for not knowing how the fancy foods work. It tells a fun story and doesn’t turn into a sappy romcom ever. Yay food!

3 out of 4.

Nymphomaniac, Vol I

Hoo, boy. Here I go. I am about to watch a movie called Nymphomaniac, VOL 1. That tells us that there are two volumes. Oh jeez, this is going to be something weird alright.

Directed by Lars von Trier, who gave us Melancholia, which I hated, and AntiChrist, which I don’t really want to see. This is supposed to be the end of some sort of some Depression Trilogy with the other two movies, so that doesn’t seem cheery.

I also know the original version of this movie was not split into two parts, but five and a half hours long in one go. That is a shit ton of movie. A movie about sex. For the two parts, about 90 extra minutes was cut overall, giving us the 2 two hour films.

I will try my best to be a grown up about all of this.

Old
It was also pretty hard to find some PG pictures. Gotta have some standards.

Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg) has done a lot in her life. Sometimes, multiple people at the same time. That’s right, Joe, a woman, liked sex. Get over it prudes.

But now she has found herself lying homeless in the streets. Thankfully, Seligman (Stellan Skarsgard), a local, has taken her off the streets to get her some food and help, in exchange for her life story.

So that is exactly what we get, or at least half of it in this first volume. We learn about her family, in particular her father (Christian Slater). He was a nice guy, and stop it, stop where your mind is going. A movie about sex doesn’t mean everything is about sex, he could just be nice.

We found about her experiencing sexuality as a kid, losing her virginity to Jerome (Shia LaBeouf), as a teen (Stacy Martin) entering public sex competitions with her friend (Sophie Kennedy Clark), breaking up marriages making irate wives (Uma Thurman) and even being a prostitute for awhile.

All of it being told, while Seligman relates his own stories and tales he has heard to her experiences.

Young
Although his experiences don’t involve too many train gang bangs.

Hey, this movie has a lot of intense subject matter, so I will try to break it down.

At least in volume 1, they are not making an argument that her life is horrible due to her addiction to sex. Or at least, not from what I can tell. She doesn’t get shunned for being promiscuous, she is just able to more or less live out her life. Sure, she gets upset and sad over events and some are related to sex, but it isn’t the cause of all of her problems.

It also isn’t a porno. Sure, there is sex in the movie. And some of it graphic in nature. You might watch it and go “Holy shit, that is real sex. In a movie! I saw penetration!” Well, apparently all of the sex scenes were done through CGI stuff. So all of the sex scenes were set up very specifically, needing certain angles and shots for what was planned. And then it looked really real, making it a bit uncomfortable, but it wasn’t.

So how about the movie? Well, as a stand alone volume, I think it had some strong moments and some weak ones. There are five to six stories that are told, so of course not all of them will be hit or miss. But yeah, about 50-50 for me.

Kind of interesting film, didn’t go super hard in the first volume, so wondering where the rest of her story is going. By itself? It’s okay.

2 out of 4.

Movie 43

The thing I love most about Movie 43 is how easy it will be to review.

I mean, part of the point is not knowing much about the movie ahead of time before you see it. So I don’t have describe all the skits, just the main plot that tries to hold it all together.

Shit yeah! Oh, and so many tags. I am gonna tag the shit out of this movie.

Nozzle
I don’t have any obligation to tell you what Halle Berry is going to do with that Turkey Baster!

So here is the basic story, which is a piece of shit excuse to give you this movie. Sorry, that sounds negative. The point of this movie is a series of short skits all put together, that is all. Trying to put a plot behind them all? Probably won’t work well, but it technically gets to be the movie plot.

A crazy asshole (Dennis Quaid) is having a meeting with some big movie executive (Greg Kinnear). Why? You know fucking why, to sell a movie of course. Greg doesn’t like it, the movie is vulgar and bad, but when a gun is brought into the equation, maybe he will listen. Also featuring Will Sasso and Common.

What vulgar skits? We got Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet on a blind date, where Hugh is basically perfect. Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts are homeschooling their kid, Jeremy Allen White, and trying to give him the realest depressing experience ever.

Anna Faris wants Chris Pratt to poop on her. Kieran Culkin and Emma Stone are awkward.

Richard Gere doesn’t understand why people are sticking their dicks in the iBabe, nor does Jack McBrayer the scientist. Only person who gets it is Kate Bosworth.

There is a speed dating convention in the DC universe, with Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Bobby Cannavale, Kristen Bell, and Leslie Bibb all playing parts.

Jimmy Bennett is on a “Date” with Chloe Grace Moretz, who gets her period, and the older brother Christopher Mintz-Plasse freaks out. Seann Williams Scott is mad at his best friend Johnny Knoxville, but to make it up for him, he found a leprechaun (Gerard Butler).

Am I almost done? Fuck no!

Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant are on a blind date playing truth or dare! Terrence Howard says the same joke about black people and basketball over and over!

BUT JUST YOU WAIT. THERE IS ONE MORE SCENE. AFTER THE CREDITS.

I was surprised too. Because this scene didn’t have any previews in the trailers. So I will just say Elizabeth Banks and Josh Duhamel.

Batman!
Just seeing all those links man. It makes me dizzy.

Maybe I talked about the skits too much, maybe I didn’t. But basically all I mentioned was information you can learn in the trailer, which is unfortunately a lot of it. Problem is, some of the better jokes I already knew were coming and it ruined it a bit for me. I knew about most of the Home School scene, but I still thought it was one of the better ones. Poop quest ended up being better than advertised as well. My favorite scene, however, was the Batman based speed dating, but that could just be because I am a comic nerd. Either way, Jason Sudeikis made that scene his bitch, and I want more of that.

The movie started pretty uncomfortably too, with the blind date scene. No one really laughed right away at the sight gag, but eventually they just threw it in our face enough that it became funny.

I understand the movies only purpose is to do outrageous things, without a plot, but I am upset about the main story line. I hated how it ended. Pretty much a cop out. Even more strange is that only the American version features Quaid and company. Apparently international versions star three unknown kids searching the internet for a fabled movie and finding these clips. Pretty dang weird.

Yeah, most of it is dumb ass jokes, but eventually you just have to give in or else you will have a bad time. Easier to accept the laughs than to ignore them.

Unfortunately, it is still a pretty shit film, in the grand scheme of things. So there you go! Maybe watch with the buds eventually, while drinking, when it is rentable. That would be a better idea.

1 out of 4.

Playing For Keeps

Playing For Keeps is a popular phrase, and it happens to be one of my favorites thanks to “Talladega Nights“. Just yelling “I play for keeps!” at someone in an argument makes it all the more exciting somehow. It might also diffuse the argument completely into laughter. Win win right there.

Gerard Butler, fresh off of his last box office bomb Chasing Mavericks is hoping that he can, you know, make a movie that turns a profit for once in the last five years.

kIDS
Spoilers: This is an even bigger let down.

George Dwyer (Butler) used to be somebody, he used to be a contender. He was a great soccer star in Europe, but got injured and had to leave the game. Some how during that, he also lost his wife (Jessica Biel) and son Lewis (Noah Lomax), moved to Canada to open up a bar and do real estate. Yeah, that makes sense.

But after some time, he lost it all again, and moved to Virginia to reunite with his son! Too bad “the man” has got him down, he owes a lot of money, and can’t get a job. He wants to be a sports caster, and wants his son to love him. So why not become the local AYSO soccer coach? Why not use your accent to bang half the town while trying to chase after your ex-wife before she gets married to some guy named Matt (James Tupper)?

Speaking of housewives, we have one housewife who is lonely (Judy Greer), a housewife who used to be a sports caster (Catherine Zeta-Jones), a housewife who is being cheated on and rich (Uma Thurman), said rich husband who tries to buy his friendship (Dennis Quaid), and the principal from Glee as the owner of his property (Iqbal Theba)!

Basically everyone in this suburban neighborhood is rich and powerful, yet somehow couldn’t get a decent soccer coach til George. Very strange.

WOMENS
He may have banged everyone in this photo. Maybe. Just saying.

Ugh. Ughhh. I feel like every stereotypical thing that may have happened in a RomCom, happened in this movie, and then some more. Ready for some SPOILERS? Well, surprisingly enough, the two do get back together by the end.

By the end, he also will realize his family is more important than his career, although the job he gets in Virginia can’t ever be as well off as his job at ESPN. Changing his life for the better monetarily will have to wait a bit.

He also is still able to let down his kid, mess up his coaching duties, and let everything blow up before he almost convinces his wife to leave her new fiance. Matt. Matt is a useless character. He is in a lot of scenes, but he barely has any lines, has no personality, and is just a waste of space. They really didn’t want you to pay attention to him at all.

Dennis Quaid’s character looked like he would have a heart attack, the entire movie. An interesting direction to take a character, but it was only annoying.

I am also not sure of the audience for this movie. It is rated PG-13, despite looking a lot like a family movie. Why the high rating? Because of Uma Thurman clad in lingerie in his bed, and the other sex scenes involving Judy Greer and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Nothing too graphic, but they do exist.

Playing For Keeps is a formulaic movie that also tries to include things that would appeal to many different groups, which in turn just makes it work for no one.

1 out of 4.

Ceremony

Ceremony packs a coming of age movie, with a dysfunctional wedding, and a mustache all in one. But even more importantly is the directer/writer is Max Winkler. Name sound familiar? That is because it is Henry Winkler‘s son, in his first directing role.

I wonder how he’d rate this movie?

Winkler AYYY
Two thumbs up? You rate everything that way.

The movie actually stars Michael Angarano (or that guy from Sky High who I can’t stop seeing everywhere), as a children’s book writer. He is friends with Reece Thompson (Rocket Science/Daydream Nation). They are good friends, but for some reason they haven’t been close for awhile. Mike gets the idea to go on a small retreat to talk about his book, and have Reece join him (because he can drive), but turns out he has other motives.

They end up crashing a wedding, but it turns out Mike knows who is involved. They meet the bride’s brother, Jake M. Johnson (New Girl), and some red head who keeps laughing at them, Rebecca Mader (Lost). But the bride? That is Uma Thurman (you should know who that is without a movie reminder).

So his plan is to ruin the wedding, more or less, and make Uma Thurman love him again. Surely this could not go wrong. Especially since he tries to also to make it seem like a coincidence to his friend, who is also fucked up. And how could he compete with Lee Pace, who is like way better than him at everything?

Moustache
Well, everything except for mustaches.

The movie does a great job of going from comedy to drama about halfway through it. I thought the chemistry between the two men were great, and they made me laugh a whole bunch. But eventually serious time takes over, and they have to discuss real problems, and real issues. I felt like the shit hit the fan on multiple occasions in the second half. The ending might not be the one you’d expect, but it definitely feels like the right ending.

Reece’s character reminded me a bit of Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, both in looks and general attitude. Seemed to be in a funk the whole time, until you know, he got out of it.

The two male leads were by far the best performances of this movie, and you can see how they change throughout and it is awesome. Uma Thurman does fine, as the highest billed, but its really not about her at all. So overall, I was pleasantly surprised at how real and awesome this movie felt.

3 out of 4