Tag: Tara Reid

Damn it. I knew there was probably going to be a Sharknado 4, I just pretended to live in a world where it wouldn’t happen. Once I knew I was watching this movie, I figured I had to review it too. Which means I am even more disappointed that my Sharknado 3 was written as if I wasn’t actually writing a review. Like the movie was beneath me.

I am disappointed, because that was my first idea when I set off to write this review. Damn it. I am an idea thief, from myself!

Oh well, there are worse things you could be. Like someone who wants to be part of Sharknado 4.

I feel like those nuts are a metaphor for myself.

Despite the third film ending with April Shepard (Tara Reid) potentially dying, we don’t get to find out right away. Apparently there was a fan vote to see if she lived or died. And now, this movie takes place five years later, with Fin (Ian Ziering) dealing with his family and no April in his life.

Oh, and since the last movie, no Sharknadoes either. A company, Astro X, has developed technology that lets them use weather science to stop any tornado that begins to form. Their leader Aston Reynolds (Tommy Davidson) is now super rich and famous, and he even made a shark themed Vegas hotel and casino to show how baller he was. Well, now that Fin, his son (Cody Linley), and his son’s fiance (Imani Hakim) are in Vegas to have a wedding, things of course go bad.

Because a sandstorm happens. A big one. Astro X cannot stop a sandstorm. It hits the hotel, sharks happen, they call it a sandnado and everyone loses their minds.

Because in this movie, it isn’t tornadoes getting formed. It is a sandstorm and blizzard and water spout stuff. All of which gain sharks somehow, they don’t even try to explain it well this time. Except these things also gain boulders, lightning, fire, oil, and yes, nuclear bombs, just so people can name them worse and worse names.

Other people in this movie include Masiela Lusha, David Hasselhoff, Gary Busey, and Gilbert Gottfried.

Also pirates! Kids are still into pirates, right?

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, Heather. As expected, this film was a painful 90 minutes of my life. The plot moves so quickly, nothing important is really ever to develop. The action scenes are shit, the CGI is bad, and the acting is worse.

“But Gorgon Reviews!” someone might wail. “That is the point of this film, to be bad and funny because of it! Entertainment, popcorn fun!” Hey, straw man, go fuck yourself. There is a god damn difference between so bad it is enjoyable, and so bad it is bad. The difference lies in intent.

In the so bad it is good field, the movies that were being made were made by people who truly thought they were making something wonderful. Tommy Wiseau thought he was making a serious, amazing drama with The Room. I do not mean that they are only good if someone is incredibly wrong in their vision. But in these films you have some heart and attempt to make a good product and well, shit goes wrong.

It is the reason why Birdemic is amusing and Birdemic 2 is not. In the sequel, they set off to make a shit film, and you know what, it was a shit film and not worth anyone’s time. If they are so bad, you cannot even appropriately rip on them with your drunk friends, because the films do everything for you already. You cannot be clever about it and you would say the same thing that anyone else watching it would say.

The Sharknado and other recent SyFy terrible movies are basically the physical moving representation of this comic. Fake praise from internet fanboys needs to stop at this point, because damn it, the joke wasn’t good the first time, and now this is the fourth time we have heard it.

Not surprisingly, this will make my worst of the year list. Surprisingly, there are still films that were worse.

I don’t think we need a fucking introduction for Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

But if I did, I would probably just point you towards Sharknado, Sharknado 2: The Second One, and remake the same joke about Cory Monteith’s last two tweets.

That is, if I was doing an intro, of course.

If this review had pictures, I’d maybe make a joke about patriotic violence here.

Now that LA and NYC have been filled with disaster, Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) finds himself in the nation’s capital to receive a biggest honor a civilian can have from the POTUS (Mark Cuban) himself! Big deal! Then a sharknado happens of course. Don’t worry, we don’t have anything super drastic happen, like the president dying. Because Fin is there and he can protect the president!

But DC was just the start. Sharknados are starting to pop up all down the east coast, as a big…storm…thing begins to develop. Out of nowhere! So Fin has to get down to Orlando, where his wife, April, (Tara Reid), daughter (Ryan Newman), and mother-in-law (Bo Derek) are at for vacation. April is of course now pregnant, because that makes action movies more fun. Because if Fin doesn’t get down to Florida, clearly they won’t be able to survive on their own.

Thankfully, Fin runs into Nova (Cassie Scerbo) from the first film! She is with some dude, Lucas (Frankie Muniz), in a super armored RV, tracking where the storms will appear so they can fuck them up. Now he has a way to get down south.

Flashforward a bit, the only way they are going to stop the giant storm wall about to take out all of the East coast, involves going into space. That is how serious this film gets. And David Hasselhoff plays Fin’s father, an astronaut, which for some reason April also goes, regardless of her pregnancy.

There is also Blair Fowler, Jack Griffo, and Chris Jericho with notable smaller roles. And like, one fucking scene with Mark McGrath, the best part of the second movie.

Frankie Muniz should have been my McGrath in this movie. But he also was barely in it. 🙁

I feel annoyed at SyFy channel. They are intentionally making half-assed bad movies to achieve some sort of cult status. They have made tons of these, and unfortunately, for whatever reason, the Sharknado franchise has reached cult status. Probably due to good PR, I am guessing. But the franchise is not in the so bad it is good category, it is literally just in the so bad it is bad area. I feel like they don’t put effort into their film, so why should I put effort into the review?

This movie is not good. It doesn’t have amusing parts. It just has a lot of cheap parts. Clearly low budget for the sake of laughs, but it is just more of the same. “But wait, this one goes into outer space and terrorizes multiple locations!” Yeah. It does. New doesn’t make it a positive.

The only remotely interesting aspect is the death of Munez. And it was too ridiculous and nonsensical. So at the same time, even that is a disappointment.

And fuck. They of course confirmed the fourth one. Which includes whether or not a character will die at the start of it from the “cliffhanger” ending. So the internet will of course kill them off. And when it comes out, a month or two later I will end up writing what I hope is an even more half-assed review to match their franchise effort.

Sharknado 2: The Second One — Because people think that the first Sharknado was a bad B Movie.

That isn’t true of course. It was just a bad movie, worse than a B movie, and it tried too hard to make itself be funny bad, and instead was just terrible.

But forwhatever reason, the internet decided to run with this as a joke it definitely needed, and it got way too popular for no reason.

So now we have Sharknado 2.

Reviews of this are pointless, because I am under the impression that anyone who was going to watch this movie, already did. I do in fact believe I am the last person to watch this movie.

And if not, uhhh, spoilers.

The last movie was set in LA and starred some people. This time, it is set in NYC and the idea of a Sharknado is an actual thing. Hell, even the book How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters: Fight Back When Monsters and Mother Nature Attack is in this movie, though written by one of the main characters from the last movie, April Wexler (Tara Reid).

April and Fin (Ian Ziering) are no longer together, but they are flying to NYC to visit family and friends, when, of course, a bunch of crazy weather shit happens. Huge storm, winter icy blast, and for whatever reason, a shit ton of Sharks, means NYC is about to get fucked up and a whole lotta people gonna die.

And that is all you really have to know. A lot of cameos of random people, but if I told you who, you’d know they would probably just end up dying.

The non cameo real roles include Vivica A. Fox, Mark McGrath, Kari Wuhrer, Courtney Baxter, Dante Palminteri, Judah Friedlander and Judd Hirsch.

Another maybe spoiler, but this one is cooler.

And there it is, a bad sequel to a bad movie. HOWEVER.

And it hurts me to say this. It hurts me so much.

Sharknado 2 > Sharknado. Sharknado felt like I was getting hit in the head with a shovel for an hour and a half. Shaknado 2 merely felt boring and you know what? I laughed occasionally.

The beginning of Sharknado 2 was just as bad as Sharknado, but it got a little bit better. Their jokes are bit funnier. Especially one Shark hopping scene, I down right smiled.

It is still just as cheesy, just as poorly conceived, but you know what. Just a tad bit better.

And thus, I do declare, that Sharknado 2 is not the worst movie of 2014.

Honestly, I was willing to let Sharknado go by the wayside and ignore it forever. Sure, it is one of the most hyped SyFy original B-Movies in a long time, but it was even met with less than average number of watchers. Go figure. Most people just talked about it, very few watched it.

So why am I reviewing Sharknado? In honor of the life of Cory Monteith of course. Made famous by his character Finn on Glee, (and only that), he was an actor who recently died due to alcohol and heroine.

But no, Cory is not in Sharknado. He is now forever associated with the film for a different and worse reason. Case in point, here are his last two tweets before death. (For those who don’t know how to twitter, the bottom tweet is the oldest).

You’re damn right I retweeted them.

Maybe he actually died as a Canadian Government cover-up, as he was able to figure out the Sharknado conspiracy, but I doubt we will ever know for sure.

The vague plot of Sharknado is that a hurricane decides to hit the California coast. Los Angeles is right in its line of fire. The storm is causing sharks to run from it towards to coast, so there are dozens (hundreds) of sharks on the beaches, attacking people in about a foot of water. But when the rain comes, so does flooding, so the sharks are able to get further in land, still running from the storm or whatever. Even going into the sewer system! The sharks are also pissed off, so they will bite and eat anything they get near, except other sharks.

Eventually tornadoes hit LA as well, which pick up the sharks, and then in addition to destroying stuff, they also hurl sharks conveniently at anyone nearby. Well, it takes fifty minutes before there are sharks in a tornado, everything else before that is just flooding or minor wind based.

To add some plot to it, our main character’s name is Fin (Ian Ziering) which is funny now for two reasons. His two friends (Jaason Simmons, Cassie Scerbo) agree to help get to his ex-wives (Tara Reid) house, to protect her and his daughter…while also battling flooding, random sharks, and I guess the weather.

Because once the tornadoes start, clearly they have to find a way to stop the tornado itself. Not just wait it out like people have done for every other tornado in history.

Most of the movie is void of sharknadoes. I guess that is why the images were so hard to find online.

See, there are two types of B-Movies. Because B-Movie generally just means really low budget and they usually are overly campy as well. Still, there are two types. There are the types that are either entertaining through good dialogue or action, and those that are made on purpose to be bad. Those ones that are only enjoyable if you are drinking and making fun of it with friends. The first one is doable, just hasn’t been true recently. Just ask Bruce Campbell.

Sharknado fits into the second category. Seriously. Watching it for actual entertainment on your own is impossible. You will just get mad. It does this on purpose, but most of the best action happens off screen, which just means I am left bored. The danger they have to get through is boring, the dialogue is boring, and there isn’t even that much shark tornado action! The fuck. What if Anaconda had the snake only in the final quarter? You’d be pissed.

So I am pissed at Sharknado. They could have made it ridiculously awesome, but chose not to, because fuck it, low budget movies don’t need to make too much. Just enough. Dumb ass teenagers on the internet are hyping it up, and now there is a sequel. Shit. How can they do a sequel when they didn’t even have enough material for one movie?