Tag: Steve Austin

I have definitely owned The Condemned for over two years, and still never sat down to watch it. I blame the side of the case. It’s shiny shiny silver makes it blend in.

The world loves violence. Always has, always will. Gladiatorial games, to Hunger based games. And that is why with The Condemned we have a future/modern version of that.

I don’t even know how I could resist for so long, with that amazing plot line and winning personality actors?

OH FUCK. ALSO THERE ARE GUNS! AHH!

Breckel (Robert Mammone) is a man with a plan. To get SuperBowl levels of viewers, on an internet show. And to do it, he is going to take ten criminals around the world, put them on the island, and whoever survives gets their freedom and some cash. Broadcast it on the internet, get tons of revenue, be awesome for life. Anything goes on the Island, live killing, and rape. But to make sure they stay in line (and make it fairer?) they all have C4 explosive devices taped to their ankles. Cords can be removed, and they blow up in 10s, or 30 hours if more than one person is left.

Well shit. Unfortunately for Conrad (Steve Austin) he isn’t actually a bad guy, and was captured by enemy forces for the last year. Doesn’t help that the biggest threat McStarley (Vinnie Jones) teamed up with another person (Masa Yamaguchi) to get themselves to the final three.

Conrad just wants to make it off the island alive (and maybe get the police involved), so that is his biggest goal. But I mean, if he kills people, they are bad anyways so it should be fine. Also if the people working on the island start to hate the idea, like Breckel’s girlfriend (Tory Mussett) then it might be a bit easier.

This is one of those great pause moments.

This movie is definitely not Gamer or Arena, movies with similar ideas (and oh boy the ratings). The former has a bigger sci-fi undertone, while the latter goes intense gritty battles that freak me out.

This one is a much lamer Hollywood version of both of those. Plot, not even important really. Just gotta know that the 10 people are all “bad people” and have to kill each other, or else they all die, and only one can survive. Unfortunately, it didn’t feel too interesting. And it is a topic I have seen many times before. Acting is whatever, plot is whatever, and action isn’t the best.

To me, to make this right, it has to be a lot harsher and violent. They are pretty much only doing fist fights, with some explosions, until the makers cheat some guns (not weapons, just guns) in and people die quicker. Also, I’d say either make it that all the people have personalities and stories, so you have some emotional investment in every battle (and not just assume the winner will be the person higher on the cast order, which is what happens generally) or have it super personal on just one guy.

Just have it on him the whole time, while he is trying to find and kill the others, without knowing what everyone else was doing. How cool would that be? We wouldn’t see ten fights, because realistically other people would kill off others off screen, but it would add the intensity. Sure we still know who wins, but man, we can at least share his (what should exist) fear.

Ooh, a movie called The Stranger. Turns out there is a bunch of those. But what are the chances of this one being based on the Albert Camus novel? Well. Zero.

I mean, come on. That is never going to happen. Right?

Not if this man has anything to do with it.

Erica Cerra is a FBI person who is the “main character” but also not really. Because who cares about her. People are going to see this movie for Steve Austin (The Stone Cold variety). She is trying to find and detain this guy.

Why? Because he is “Dangerous”. Kind of. Or he knows something? BUT NOT REALLY.

Because he has something wrong with him. He keeps forgetting everything that has happened to him. This isn’t some disorder, I can’t remember why they said it happens. But it means he can’t remember the info they want to get out of him, that he has a family, and he keeps getting confused when the lady agent is near him, every little bit when it is convenient for the plot.

Adam Beach plays another FBI agent trying to help detain him, but he isn’t Steve Austin. Also some other people besides the FBI are trying to stop him. So that is where action comes in. Lots of shooting. Confused shooting.

Apparently torture doesn’t break Amnesia. Yet.

Are you confused about the plot? Good. Because so was I. I watched it, and I just thought it was a mess. This straight to video pile didn’t even feel action-y enough to be entertaining in that regard. Didn’t help that the cinematography was poor, and the obviously bad acting / plot (if it existed).

Only watch this if you ar- never mind. Don’t watch this.

It has taken me a long time to watch The Expendables, mostly because it and Eat, Pray, Love came out on the same day as Scott Pilgrim vs The World in theaters. Both of which did better in the box office, despite my fanboyism declaring that SP was clearly the best movie. So, in order to make up for it, I had to do the SP review before at least one of those movies. Hooray!

Well, I know ONE cast member who is excited.

The Expendables are a mercenary group for higher, and has quite a few of the names mentioned in them. Lead by Sylvester Stallone, and Jason Statham, it also features Jet Li, Terry Crews, Dolph Lundgren, and Randy Couture. Each having their own specializations of course, because that’s how elite teams works.

They are sent to (somewhere in South America), to take down a dictator played by David Zayas. Eventually Mickey Rourke joins their team as well. Steve Austin is a hired muscle bad guy too! But where do Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger come in?

Arnold is the leader of a rival group, who already has a mission lined up, so he lets the Expendables take this one. Willis is the man hiring them. So there is one scene with those two and Stallone, and that is all you will get of those two. So, if that is your draw? Well, ignore the movie.

So yeah. Plot is basically that. Lot of action, lot of killing, and the heroes win out at the end of the day. I think what makes a better story is who didn’t make the film!

John-Claude Van Damme was supposed to play a major role, but didn’t want to. But he regrets it now and will be in the sequel. Terry Crews role went through 3 people before him (Wesley Snipes, Forest Whitaker, and 50 Cent). And the role that Willis landed was first given to Arnold, and then offered to Kurt Russell, but I guess he was too cool to do one scene in a movie.

Really, all that does is make me wish original people got their roles. There’d be more bigger famous names, less new guys (who the hell is Randy Couture??).

Some guy who loves puppies?

In terms of plot, its is pretty weak. In terms of tons of action, and throw backs to the “classics” in the 80s and 90s, it does well. This is one of those films where you will know if you will enjoy it before going to see it. Really not much else to say about that.

I think this movie didn’t know what it wanted to be. First part was amusing in a violent sort of way, and then it almost tried to be some sort of a cheesy 80’s cop show (based off the soundtrack). But then when it tried to get serious, it never really got there.

This movie is about a Tactical Force unit that just doesn’t do things by the book! Effective? Sure. But no one seemed to pay attention in SWAT class.
Including a hilarious lesson on how to properly stop someone with hostages. That is internet sarcasm.

Shut your dirty mouth, ORLY Owl

While going to a warehouse to run test missions with fake bullets and what not, they accidentally encounter a real gorup of bad guys. Oh no! With no bullets, versus a ton of people with bullets? However will they stop them? Oh yeah. TACTICAL FORCE!

So more things happen. More kinda violence. Steve Austin, the leader, ends up wrestling with someone else. Weird for a SWAT guy, but I guess they were going for that. I thought Michael Jai White (Black Dynomiteeee) was pretty good at his role. There was a “Twist” ending as well, that really didn’t mean anything or need to exist. I understand it. But it didn’t add anything to the movie or trick you in any way. Just kinda blah.